What follows is a complete list of all Space Corps Directives, Rimmer Directives, All Nations Agreements, and Articles mentioned in Red Dwarf. The widely distributed document by Charles Daniels was used as a useful reference, but this document was written from scratch. Incidentally, this document is also guaranteed to suck out any humour in the directives whatsoever. Watch the eps if you want them to be funny; read this if you want to be anal. Incidentally, is this the correct place to put forward the argument that all the Space Corps Directives jokes in Red Dwarf VI are genuinely funny, and a great example of a brilliant running joke, and not laziness or symptomatic of the decline of the series? No? Damn.
Space Corps Directives
The first Space Corps Directive ever mentioned comes from Polymorph.
KRYTEN: What about the Space Corps Directive which states, “It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home?”
It seems likely that at the time, this was intended to be the Space Corps Directive; but it can be retconned into simply being a Space Corps Directive (with obviously, no number known).
By joining Star Corps [sic] each individual tacitly consents to give up his inalienable rights to life, liberty and adequate toilet facilities. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on production of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
One berth per registered crew member. (Quarantine)
Not stated as Kryten is interrupted by Rimmer. He’s about to quote it when Rimmer is complaining about the timeshare deal with Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom; perhaps something to do with the highest ranked or most useful personnel being given hologrammatical status? (Quarantine)
Not quoted directly, but paraphrased by Kryten as follows: “In an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.” (White Hole)
Not quoted directly, but paraphrased by Kryten as follows: “You are obliged to provide us with minimum leisure facilities. Games, literature, hobby activities, motion pictures.” (Quarantine)
Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be granted to whichever officer can program a VCR. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
Not quoted directly, but Rimmer invokes this directive in order to keep the rest of the crew in quarantine for three months. (Quarantine)
Not quoted directly, but Kryten’s dialogue indicates that this means that after five days in quarantine, you can demand a rescreening. Incidentally, this would make a complete mockery of quarantine conditions anyway, as a lot of diseases have a longer gestation period that five days. (Quarantine)
Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
Work done by an officer’s doppelganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about any crew member whose timesheet shows him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee. (Psirens)
No registered vessel should attempt to transverse an asteroid belt without deflectors. (Psirens)
No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples. Interestingly, this comes from a cut section in Psirens – it’s only revealed in the Primordial Soup scriptbook. (Psirens, unbroadcast)
Not stated, but Rimmer tries to invoke it when Kryten decides to let aboard the 2nd Lister – perhaps something to do with crew safety? Again, this only occurs in the cut section of Psirens, as above. (Psirens, unbroadcast)
To preserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
The log must be kept up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission data and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid bitter and embarassing silences when meeting in the corridor with subordinates who have not recieved a card. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity. (Legion, Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only. (Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
Not quoted directly but it is “impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi”, and “sacrificing poultry”. (Polymorph – Emohawk II)
Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women’s gym will be discharged without trial. (Rimmerworld, Red Dwarf Log No. 1996)
A very similar situation exists with Rimmer Directives that does for Space Corps Directives; one was first heard in Polymorph, and appears to be the only one:
RIMMER: What about the Rimmer Directive which states, “Never tangle with anything that’s got more teeth than the entire Osmond family?”
Again, this was later changed into being one of a number of Rimmer Directives. Although this makes more sense than the retconning of the Space Corps Directives, seeing as Rimmer makes them all up anyway. (Although, knowing Rimmer, there’s the frightening thought that he might have written them all down in a book for future use.)
Only one other is mentioned:
No chance you metal bastard. (White Hole)
All Nations Agreements
Only two of these, both from Gunmen of the Apocalypse:
All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space.
Not exactly quoted, but it is to do with “the right of POW’s to non-violent constraint”.
Both of these are from Queeg. They are quoted as stated by Queeg, but it’s likely that they were paraphrased by him. If they existed at all, of course, and weren’t all part of the joke.
Gross negligence, leading to the endangerment of personnel.
When crewmembers do not have credit, food and drink may not be supplied until the balance has been restored.