The Smeg Ups on the DVDs were rather disappointing for us long-term fans. Not only had we seen them before, on the 1995 Smeg Outs video, the Series I compilation even included out-takes from Series II. This was a darned shame, as the DVDs are near perfect in most other respects.
We’ve (or rather, Ian has) spoken to top workaholic Andrew Ellard about this, and the conclusion was that there wasn’t many out-takes from the early series that we hadn’t seen before, and the misplaced clips were there as the sequence in question, a string of Norman Lovett profanity, didn’t work when split into two parts.
In this guide, to avoid confusion all speakers are given their character’s names, even when they are improvising or speaking to a crewmember. Similarly, rather than trying to find out all of their individual names, all off-camera speakers are referred to as ‘crew’. Off we go then…
1. Taken from: Future Echoes *1
HOLLY: This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister’s only companions are a life form… oh, [beep]. Ooh! Sorry, I… I’m not usually rude.
2. Taken from: Stasis Leak *2
HOLLY: I was in love once. A Sinclair U… oh, [beep].
3. Taken from: Unknown *3
HOLLY: I’ve [beep]ed up.
4. Taken from: Unknown *3
5. Taken from: Queeg *4
HOLLY: Perhaps the most… [beep]
6. Taken from: The End
RIMMER: Lister, is that a cigarette you’re smoking? It’s going to wrench my heart from its sockets to do so, Lister… but I’ve forgotten my notebook, so I can’t actually, um…
7. Taken from: The End
LISTER: Aww, come on Frankie. [LISTER opens the cupboard door, and Frankenstein runs away.]
8. Taken from: The End
LISTER: Aww, come on Frankenstein. [He tries to grab her this time, but she still evades him. LISTER lies down and beats the floor with frustration.]
9. Taken from: The End *5
[LISTER ejects a canister, but breaks the contraption in the process.]
10. Taken from: Future Echoes
CAT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m back, feeling… Hmm? How’m I looking? [CAT reaches in his pocket for a mirror. It’s not there.] Oh, right. [Walks out]
11. Taken from: The End
LISTER: I think I’m on fire. [beep] I am!
12. Taken from: Balance of Power
RIMMER: How did you do? How did you do, Lister?
LISTER: How did I do, Mr. Lister, sir! [He jumps in the air in celebration, which does his back in.] Ooh!
13. Taken from: Balance of Power
RIMMER: I mean, look at you, Lister. Where’s your hole reinforcers? Where’s your colouring pencils? Ohhh [beep].
14. Taken from: Waiting for God
RIMMER: I believe in aliens, Lister.
LISTER: Oh, right, fine. Something sensible at last.
RIMMER: Aliens, Lister, with technology so far in advance of our own, we can’t even begin to imagine.
LISTER: Well, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s, [beep]ed that up!
15. Taken from: Confidence and Paranoia
LISTER: Rimmer, you don’t know what love is.
RIMMER: Oh yes I do, Lister. Love… [He turns to camera, dejectedly.]
16. Taken from: Waiting for God
CAT PRIEST: Stubbleness, suppleness.
CREW: (off-screen) Slobbiness.
CAT PRIEST: Slobby, slobby, slobby, slobby. [CUT]
CAT PRIEST: Slobbiness, slobbiness, for God’s sake. Whatever that may mean. Slobbiness. [CUT]
CAT PRIEST: All these years I kept my faith. I wore the Holy Custard Stain and the Sacred Gravy Marks. I renounced coolness, and chose the righteous path of stubbleness.
17. Taken from: Future Echoes
RIMMER: Look, I’ve been thinking. No, I haven’t.
18. Taken from: Confidence and Paranoia
[LISTER is having his face sprayed by a crewmember.]
CREW: (off-screen) Ready? Standby.
LISTER: She loves me.
19. Taken from: The End
RIMMER: It’s going to rip my heart from its socket to do this, but I’m going to have to report you. Twice in as many minutes. [He reaches into his breast pocket for his notebook, then his trouser pocket. It’s not there.]
CREW: (off-screen) Just running on to shot 25, please.
LISTER: You left it, you left it underneath the chicken soup dispenser.
CREW: (off-screen) If you could just come in to position, please, Rob.
*3 It’s a very short clip. We’ve haven’t got much to go on, but we do know that it comes from Series II, as the pixelling on Norm is the same as the previous Stasis Leak clip, and different from the distress call one.
*4 Again, it’s a short clip, so it’s hard to tell. But judging from the pixelling, it’s from Series II, and is possibly a fluff of the line “perhaps not the most efficient computer ever invented…”, which is part of Holly’s goodbye speech at the end of Queeg.