Ian, you cunt.

Now, some of you may remember that last month we ran a competition where we did the 10 least asked questions about Red Dwarf. Well, since then, thousands of you… well, maybe not thousands; hundreds of you… alright, four of you have written in pleading with us… well, maybe not pleading; asking us matter-of-factly whether we are going to GIVE THE TWATTING ANSWERS AND ANNOUNCE THE WINNER. So, for those people, here are the answers; the results follow:

Who was originally going to play the DNA Computer?
Peter Spraggon. You all got this right.

What were the original episode titles of Krytie TV?
Phwoaar and Greedy. Again, all correct. And to the person who queried if we just made these up to see if anyone rips off our research: no. We just ripped off Andrew Ellard’s research in Time Hole.

What was unusual about the re-cap at the start of Nanarchy?
It is (to quote some excellent website or another) “the first and only time to date that a character has addressed the audience directly”. Again, all correct. Two of you also correctly pointed out that Smeg Ups/Outs also does this, and one of you also pointed out that the message to Amnesty and the Best Episode intro for a Back To Reality repeat that Craig Charles did also fits into this category. We’ll have to go with the standard excuse for this kind of thing: THEY ARE NOT CANON.

How many pages are there in Random Abstract Memory?
237 OR 244. We’ll let Big Blake explain this one:

“The last numbered page in my book is 236, but there are two unnumbered pages after that, which would be pages 237 & 238. There are, however, six unnumbered pages at the very beginning of the book. So my sort of final answers are either 237 or 244. (237 because the Prologue is on page 1 and the epilogue is on page 237……. and 244 because that’s how many pages there are altogether. In my book anyway…)”

We had both answers; we let both pass, as technically both are correct.

How does Norman Lovett claim to have got two daughters?
“Found them. Y’know, Clapham Common…” One of you didn’t know! You deserve a spanking. We accepted “He found them” as correct, but the Clapham bit might have been relevant in a tiebreak situation; not that it came to that.

How many people watched the first broadcast of The End?
4.8 million. All correct, again. One of you added “allegedly”, which is a good point.

On what date was Craig Charles arrested on suspicion of rape?
July 8th 1994. Oh dear. July is the correct answer; however, our Edit News: Broadcast article erroneously gives the month as June. There’s a funny story about that, which I’ll tell you later.

On what date was the second draft of the script to The Inquisitor completed?
5th November 1991. Both right-handed, correct. Erm, sorry. I mean you got it all right.

Name five actors who have appeared in both Red Dwarf and The Brittas Empire.
Chris Barrie, Jake Abraham, Lucy Briers, Gordon Salkilld, David Ross. Oooh, this was an excellent question. Hats off to Ian for thinking of it. Go on, hats off. Only two of you got this; although I was sorely tempted to fail the person who gave “Craig Barry” as an answer. Tsk.

Who was the first person to sing Tongue Tied, and who was the first to compose music for it?
Singer: Nick Wilton. Composer: Peter Brewis. I think I find the Son of Cliché version funnier than the Dwarf one; to be honest, I’ve always thought the Dwarf version was a bit overrated. What? Get on with the compo? Oh, all right.

Now, we’d like to have given prizes to all who entered. But tough. Do you think we’re made of money? Seriously though; thanks to everyone who entered. And the winner? Right. Erm. Pay attention.

First off, if we count the answers of all ten questions up, and only give marks to those who said the absolutely correct answer of July for THE RAPE QUESTION, then the joint three winners are: Blake, Darrell, and Squidy. However, Darrell and Squidy could quite rightly complain that it wasn’t their cunting fault they gave the answer as June seeing as it was the date given on G&T, and that they really got 10/10 right, and we are both fucking cunts. On the other hand, if we only entered them for the prize, then Blake could quite rightly complain that he got just as many absolutely correct as they did, and that we are both fucking cunts. Obviously if there had been no such confusion, we would have stuck to our original plan to pick a winner at random – but all this created unwanted complications.

This of course created the most enormous moral dilemma. Technically, all three people won the prize, and therefore we needed three signed copies of Incompetence. After much soul-searching, we reluctantly decided: what the hell, we just wouldn’t tell them. Oh. Damn. In that case, the joint winners are: Blake, Darrell, and Squidy. However, Squidy told us in his answers that we can “stuff the prize”, so signed copies of Incompetence will be winging their way to Blake and Darrell over the next few days. You’ll be glad to know that Ian got them signed this afternoon; right in the middle of talking to Rob Grant about Son of Clich&eacute. Well, we are the smart party.

And after all that stress, do you think we’ve learnt our lesson? No. Watch out soon for the next compo; considering which much-anticipated release is coming up, you might be able to guess at the prize…

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