Stupid magazine publishes stupid list

Once-respectable publication the Radio Times has published a list of the Top 25 Put-Downs in TV History. For some inexplicable reason, this story is currently the third most-read item on BBC News. The list doesn’t appear to be in any particular order, which makes it even more pointless than it first appears, which is astonishing in the circumstances. It’s literally just a list of some put-downs.

So, yes, there’s a Dwarf one in there. Rimmer’s excellent “the thing you should bring is silence” quote from Gunmen. A perennial argument winner, and an oft-quoted line for me, especially if I’m talking to non-Dwarf fans who think I’ve just made it up off the top of my head.

Elsewhere on the list… well, nothing of interest really. It’s very much run-of-the-mill, obvious, mainstream, uninspired, will-this-do tosh. Oh look, Dr. Cox, House, Gene Hunt, Fawlty, Blackadder, Mrs Merton, WHAT A SURPRISE. The only remotely interesting choice is Father Jack’s “Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!”, and that’s only because it’s CLEARLY NOT A PUT-DOWN.

I’ve just wasted ten minutes writing this news story. And that’s twice as long as the RT hack spent on the list.

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54 Responses to Stupid magazine publishes stupid list

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  1. G&T Admin

    Since I wrote that, it’s now THE MOST READ ARTICLE on BBC News. I’d like to think G&T is responsible.

  2. I felt sure that ‘Smeg’ would feature somewhere, so had a neb while in the newsagent’s this morning. It’s a fave Dwarf quote for me, too.

  3. always thought being called a ‘huge puss filled bibo’ was quite a harsh one!, that is if i knew what a bibo was??….

  4. Bubo. It’s bubo.

    bubo /bu?bo/ (bu?bo) an enlarged and inflamed lymph node, particularly in the axilla or groin, due to such infections as plague, syphilis, gonorrhea, lymphogranuloma venereum, and tuberculosis.

  5. Niiice.

  6. So worse than space mumps then.

  7. “You rectum faced pygmy” is also worthy of a nod.

    There are a lot of my favourite shows in that list, but I didn’t smile at any of those lines. I think there are better examples from a lot of them.

  8. Actually, I always liked the bluntness of “Shut up, you dead GIT!!!”

  9. “You’re a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain.”

  10. still…i do like the whole ‘alsation dog after head swap operation’…..

  11. > There are a lot of my favourite shows in that list, but I didn?t smile at any of those lines. I think there are better examples from a lot of them.

    Absolutely. They seem to have picked some shows (Rising Damp, Till Death etc.) because they are known for conflict but didn’t have the balls to actually pick interesting pieces of dialogue.

  12. swapped with what tho?….another alsation perhaps??…

  13. “Stop your putrid whining you dank tuft of rectal pubic hair”.

  14. G&T Admin

    “stop your foul whining you filthy piece of distended rectum!”

    As i wrote this, i’ve just realised how similar those lines are.

  15. The Ted thing is baffling. Also, there are clearly far better Blackadder putdowns.

  16. “It’s not the only thing around here that’s very small indeed. Your brain for instance, Baldrick…is so minute, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your skull open he wouldn’t find enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.”

  17. > ?stop your foul whining you filthy piece of distended rectum!?

    > As i wrote this, i?ve just realised how similar those lines are.

    Makes sense that a creature born of Rimmer’s subconscious would insult him in the style in which he himself insults others.

  18. I liked that line in when Kryten suggests that in the space corp directives electronic life-forms should sacrifice their lives for living crew members should the need arise and Rimmer replies something along the line:

    “What about the Rimmer directive that states ‘No chance you metal bastard.'”

  19. “So I said to Hollister … well, I can’t actually remember exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the most enormously cruel and frighteningly witty put downs EVER!”

  20. It’s not from Red Dwarf – in fact I’m not sure where it’s from at all, actually – but one of my favourite put-downs is , “You appear intelligent, but when you open your mouth the effect is spoiled.”

  21. I don’t understand why ‘Valerie’ by Mark Ronson ft. Amy Winehouse isn’t on this list. I can’t turn on the TV, the radio, walk down the fucking STREET without hearing it! So it should DEFINITELY be on THIS list as ‘Valerie’ is the only thing that exists in this world.

    lol. Sorry, I was just…thinking about…that song…I can’t get it out of my head. Can’t get…the voices..the voices in my head…voices that scream over and over again ‘Why do they come to me to die…? WHY DO THEY COME TO ME TO DIE???’

    A sphincter says what?

  22. G&T Admin

    Did you know that if you kill a man in the dead of winter, you can see steam rise from his body?

  23. >lol.

    Are we even allowed to say this here?

  24. G&T Admin

    Stuck down a hole, in the middle of the night, in the fog, … WITH AN OWL!!!?!?!?

  25. >Are we even allowed to say this here?

    No.

    In Dutch, lol means fun. In Welsh, lol means nonsense. Only the latter is accurate.

  26. >Stuck down a hole, in the middle of the night, in the fog, ? WITH AN OWL!!!?!?!?

    My favourite Fast Show sketch, there. Just bizarre.

  27. Only me and Garth are allowed to talk to the camera.

  28. G&T Admin

    > My favourite Fast Show sketch, there. Just bizarre.

    Yep. Mine too!

  29. THIS WEEK I HAVE BEEN MOSTLY EATING PROZAC!

  30. The last one definitely should have been ‘This week I have been mostly eating…CUNT!’

    That would have been the best way to end the mediocrity that was The Fast Show.

  31. G&T Admin

    You’ve not seen The Fast Show Live, then?

  32. I remember winning a pair of tickets to The Fast Show Live at Sheffield City Hall. Good tickets too, about five rows from the front. I remember Rhys Thomas running past us naked…

  33. G&T Admin

    the mediocrity that was The Fast Show.

    *splutter*

    Mind you, I remember Series 3 and The Last Fast Show Ever‘s being slightly lacklustre compared to the brilliant first two series. Am I wrong? I need that bloody boxset…

  34. Remember the last series had the “Your wife’s dead” sketch, though. Which is still one of the greatest moments in television history.

  35. You sick puppy.

  36. On the magazine subject, I’ve just read Sci-Fi Now’s piece – mentioned elsewhere – and it’s four pages on I-IV reviews. Worth comparing to the G&T episode list, actually, as it holds some quirks. (DNA is given just two stars, and the gallows/Winnie the pooh scene from Meltdown – the best scene of the ep, and a series highlight IMHO, is named ‘worst scene’ of the four series. While “What is it?” from Stasis leak is named best.)

  37. >DNA is given just two stars,

    DNA is great. Fuck them.

    >the gallows/Winnie the pooh scene from Meltdown – the best scene of the ep,

    Correct…

    >and a series highlight IMHO

    Also correct…

    >is named ?worst scene? of the four series.

    Unbelievable! Other than the cat priest scene I’d have no clear front-runner for “worst scene,” but one thing I can say definitely is that it WOULDN’T be that!

  38. >the mediocrity that was The Fast Show.

    Rowley Birkin QC, the one where he talks sadly about losing the woman he loved. One of the finest pieces of television drama I have ever seen. Of course I was very very drunk…

  39. >One of the finest pieces of television drama I have ever seen

    Yeah, that was great.

    Or Chris the Crafty Cockney wishing you a Merry Christmas in the creepiest way imaginable.

  40. While ?What is it?? from Stasis leak is named best.

    White Hole, surely? Surely “It’s a leak, right, in stasis, hence the name A Stasis Leak” isn’t the best Dwarf scene ever?

  41. G&T Admin

    and the gallows/Winnie the pooh scene from Meltdown – the best scene of the ep, and a series highlight IMHO, is named ?worst scene? of the four series.

    I cuss them bad.

    It smacks of someone having a very limited idea of the kind of show Red Dwarf can be.

  42. > White Hole, surely? Surely ?It?s a leak, right, in stasis, hence the name A Stasis Leak? isn?t the best Dwarf scene ever?

    There are two “What is it?” scenes in I-IV – in Stasis Leak it’s set in the pre-accident Dwarf shower. “Oh, a magic door, well why didn’t you say?”

  43. > One of the finest pieces of television drama I have ever seen

    OK, but as a comedy show it very rarely made me laugh. Ted and Ralph I liked, and the ‘black! black!’ sketch but not much else. I think it’s just a boring show, despite being ‘Fast’. I find Mitchell & Webb way more enjoyable, and definitely series 1 of Little Britain. Even Marc Wootten’s sketch show made me laugh more than The Fast Show ever did, despite most of it being fairly weak (I mean COOOME OOON!!!!).

    > You?ve not seen The Fast Show Live, then?

    No but I remember seeing them doing the coughing and ‘ARSE!’ sketch from the live show on Comic Relief or something and thinking I was glad I hadn’t. There’s nothing good about it!

  44. There are two ?What is it?? scenes in I-IV – in Stasis Leak it?s set in the pre-accident Dwarf shower. ?Oh, a magic door, well why didn?t you say??

    Oh yes, forgot about that one. Probably because it’s only mildly amusing, and not worth “best scene ever” awards.

    Bugger, OSX has just told me the keyboard battery is nearly flat.

  45. I would have the Fast Show in my top twenty comedy shows without doubt…
    The very nature of the show I/E ‘fast’ meant that the mediocre stuff was soon passed by…
    Unlike Python for instance, where even the dire was laboured beyond a joke…
    Yes, even the classic sketch shows like Python, NTNN, The Goons etc ect had many flat points, but you have to measure this by overall entertaintment value.

    The Fast Show ranged from the brilliant to the pretty poor but so did many shows that passed before them, Spitting Image being a prime example..

    The fact is, I love all these shows along with Fry and Laurie, The Two Ronnies and even 3 Of A Kind in its day…

    In my humble opinion, all these shows are worthy of merit and The Fast Show stands along side them as maybe not the best, but still up there..

    Of course, this is just personal taste but worth standing up for…

  46. It’s a shame to not see “Only When I Laugh” get a mention.

  47. I watched it again the other week. It wasn’t that good really.

  48. Re-reading the Sci-Fi Now piece, there are five separate mentions of ‘black’ or ‘dark’ humour. Which gives me a bit of a handle on what the author, Alasdair Stuart, thinks the show ‘is’.

    This is not to say that he’s wrong. Part of Dwarf’s appeal is the way it kinda is whatever you want it to be – old-school BBC sitcom, catroonish slapstick, astute character piece, smart science-fiction, slick science-fantasy, laddish gross-out-com, girl-friendly ‘men are rubbish’-com, actor showpiece, cheap, glossy… Take what you want to from it. This guy’s prioritising gallows humour and satire. Which isn’t my POV, but it’s a valid and interesting one.

  49. G&T Admin

    > what the author, Alasdair Stuart, thinks the show ?is?.

    Well, personally, I thought he was rubbish in “Police, Camera, Action”

  50. G&T Admin

    I bought Sci-Fi Now today. Will scan it in if I get the chance.

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