Over the years there has been a great many pieces of official Red Dwarf merchandise, including some high quality titles such as The Making of Red Dwarf, Red Dwarf VIII: The Official Book and The Official Red Dwarf Companion. However, The Log: A Dwarfer’s Guide to Everything – written by Craig Charles Russell Bell and published in 1997 – is neither official or even in the vague realm of high quality. It is completely and utterly shit.
QUESTION: What is this universal infatuation with the Internet?
If someone had told me, a few years ago, that we’d be looking upon a phone conversation you had to type as a major innovation I’d have them certified. And don’t say ‘But you can send pictures as well.’ It takes about an hour to download a bloody picture, and half the time the tits are out of focus … oops.
I think it’s probably its sheer laziness that gets me most. As it turns out the “Dwarfer’s Guide Everything” is, in fact, just a collection of appalling jokes sourced from the beginning of time itself and the wellest of well worn urban legends all wrapped up in a big ball of trite and lazy observational humour. It does have a loose-ish frame of an alternative history of Earth (the book actually goes as far as to nick jokes and the odd scenario from Dwarf for its own needs) which is a pretty decent idea but, you know… done shitly.
Two things could elevate this book above what it is: being funny and having a genuine relevance to Dwarf. Obviously it’s neither of those things, and it’s frankly offensive that it’s so plainly aimed at Dwarfers when really it has no real relevance at all, save for a few mentions of the show and pictures of Craig Charles in his Lister getup. In fact, Craig getting the sole writing credit on the cover when in fact it was co-authored by Russell Bell (as mentioned later in the book) does raise some interesting questions regarding how much Craig actually wrote and whether his presence is purely for his face and Dwarf connection. Although, I could be being hugely unfair and unkind there.
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- Why didn’t Noah swot the flies?
- Where do female to male sex-change patients get their penises from?
- Why do they make toasters with a setting that burns the toast?
If I was being a tad more fair, I’d probably say it isn’t entirely worthless, as a book of this nature is always going to give the odd surprise laugh even if it is just a book filled with the sort of stuff some twat in a pub would reel off all night believing himself to be hilarious. In fact, the whole point of this brief review of the book version is to point out a new acquisition in our Downloads section, which does raise the value of the title a tad.
It is a copy of the audiobook version of The Log read by Craig Charles. Frankly, it came as a surprise to me that this even existed, but here it is nonetheless. In fact, you can download it…
Advice About Sex
Women, you should never:
- Answer the phone and chat
- File your nails
- Talk about marriage (especially on the a first date)
Men, you should never:
- Think that, to be a winner in the sex stakes, you have to finish first all the time
- Call someone else to see if they want to join in
- Shout a running commentary about what you’re doing to your friends across the street
Available are all four parts (or a collected ZIP) for you to download at your leisure. It’s definitely worth a go (despite what I’ve just said) if only to form your own opinion. Even if you’ve only previously read the book, I would go as far to say that it’s also worth listening to these through because the fact that it’s the abridged version and it has Craig reading adds a certain value. Old Cracky is always entertaining to listen to and his trademark chirpy and lively style really breathes some life into this limp material. It’ll give you a chuckle, I guarantee that, and it’s certainly a more worthwhile venture than tracking down and devoting valuable eye time to the book.
Coming soon: Paul Alexander’s Log No.1996 read by Killcrazy from off of Series VIII.