Red Dwarf: The Complete Guide To Almost Everything

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Do you remember a time, a few years either side of the turn of the century, when the internet was mostly comprised of auto-playing midi files and non-HD porn? Back then, if you searched Yahoo, or Alta Vista, or Lycos, you could find tonnes of Geocities-hosted web pages for each and every one of your favourite TV shows, which invariably featured the same handful of low-res jpegs, lists of quotes, episode guides and those ubiquitous auto-playing midi files. Then blogging came along, and we all realised that we could just write about our opinions on our favourite shows, rather than trying to provide a comprehensive mine of information, given that new-fangled things like Google and Wikipedia could do that much better.

So things like episode guides disappeared from fansites. Not entirely, but they were no longer an essential component. It was only recently that we realised that G&T had nothing even resembling such a guide – not even a list of episodes anywhere. When we started, in 2002, we launched an ambitious project of producing detailed “capsules” for every episode, but, well, you can see how that went. We got to thinking that it might be fun to try and write an episode guide now, and see where it ended up. As it turns out, it kind of got out of hand…

What you are about to read – or, more likely, skim through – is a complete walkthrough of everything that’s ever been made under the banner of “Red Dwarf“, covering episodes, other TV appearances, home video releases, radio, and ever so slightly more. By no means an official guide, we’ll be providing both brief and detailed synopses in our own inimitable and slightly irritating style, as well as providing links to related G&T content, and all manner of interesting/pedantic titbits. We won’t be touching too much on the behind-the-scenes aspect, and we’re not too bothered about what’s considered canon – if it’s Red Dwarf, and if you can watch it or listen to it, it’s here.

Strap in, then, as we start with the sixty-one televised episodes of Red Dwarf. Believe us, that’s just the beginning.

Series 1

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Norman Lovett (Holly)

WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
PRODUCER/DIRECTOR: Ed Bye
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Paul Jackson
CHANNEL: BBC 2
PRODUCTION COMPANY: BBC North West

1. The End

First Broadcast: Monday 15th February 1988

IN BRIEF: Lister is imprisoned, then Rimmer kills everyone.

SYNOPSIS: We meet Dave Lister and Arnold Rimmer, bunkmates and work colleagues on board the mining ship Red Dwarf – a place where dead crew members are resurrected as holograms, a super-intelligent computer called Holly runs the ship, and the chicken soup nozzles are often clogged. While Rimmer flunks his engineering exam, Lister is discovered to have smuggled an unquarantined cat on board. Lister refuses to hand the cat over, and is sentenced to eighteen months in suspended animation. He wakes up three million years later, to discover that the entire crew has been wiped out by a radiation leak. But he is not alone – an increasingly peculiar Holly has brought back Rimmer as a hologram, and the pair discover a humanoid life form that has evolved from Lister’s pet cat. Remaining unrealistically blase about the situation, Lister vows to return to Earth.

GUEST CAST: Robert Bathurst (Todhunter), Paul Bradley (Chen), David Gillespie (Selby), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Robert McCulley (McIntyre), Mark Williams (Peterson), C P Grogan (Kochanski)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 22nd of 61 overall. 3rd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary (The Original Assembly edition), Re-Mastered analysis

2. Future Echoes

First Broadcast: Monday 22nd February 1988

IN BRIEF: Lister is delighted when he hears his son will die.

SYNOPSIS: Having constantly accelerated for three million years, Red Dwarf breaks the light barrier. Consequently, Holly shits himself, and Lister begins to see things before they happen. First, a mirror foresees that Lister is about to cut himself shaving, then has the same conversation with Rimmer twice, before seeing the Cat wailing about having lost a tooth. These are “future echoes”, a by-product of faster-than-light travel. Then Rimmer sees Lister die in a drive room explosion. Lister deduces that if he can prevent the Cat from breaking his tooth, then he can prevent himself from dying. He attempts to stop the Cat from eating a robot goldfish, but breaks the Cat’s tooth in the process. When the time comes for Lister to face his doom, he is surprised to find that he doesn’t die. Instead, a vision of himself aged 178 appears, to inform the crew that it was in fact Lister’s son Bexley who died, and direct them to the site of the final future echo – a near-future version of Lister holding baby twins.

GUEST CAST: John Lenahan (Toaster), Tony Hawks (Dispensing Machine)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 7th of 61 overall. 1st of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis

3. Balance of Power

First Broadcast: Monday 29th February 1988

IN BRIEF: Lister takes some drugs and bakes a cake.

SYNOPSIS: Fed up with Rimmer’s work regime and cigarette rationing, Lister gets a bit depressed and reminisces about the time his friends made up a song about shagging Kochanski. He resolves to somehow win her back, but can’t unless he outranks Rimmer, who meanwhile is struggling to regain control of the cigarettes from the Cat, and having to contend with being punched in the bollocks by Petersen’s arm.  Lister enrols to take the chef’s exam, aided by Rimmer’s old stash of learning drugs. In a last ditch attempt to prevent Lister’s promotion, Rimmer puts himself inside Kochanski’s body, and baffles Lister with some hilariously bad acting. His plan foiled, Rimmer consoles himself by groping Kochanski’s left tit without her consent, and Lister pretends to have passed the exam, whereas really (spoilers) he failed it.

GUEST CAST: Rupert Bates (Trout a la Creme and Chef), Paul Bradley (Chen), David Gillespie (Selby), Mark Williams (Peterson), C P Grogan (Kochanski)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 35th of 61 overall. 4th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T:  DwarfCast Commentary

4. Waiting For God

First Broadcast: Monday 7th March 1988

IN BRIEF: Lister kills an old man.

SYNOPSIS: Holly picks up an unidentified object, and when Rimmer learns that it’s a pod, he assumes that it’s of alien origin. Meanwhile, Lister learns that the Cat people worship him as a god, believing that Cloister the Stupid shall lead them to the promised land of Fuchal, where they will open up a hot dog and doughnut diner. Holy wars were fought over whether the hats worn in the diner should be red or blue. The Cat People left the ship in two arks – the blue ark crashed into an asteroid, but the red ark could still be out there somewhere. Lister stumbles upon an old Cat temple, home to a blind old priest who’s lost his faith. When Lister/Cloister assures him that there’s a place for him in Fuchal, he promptly dies of joy. Unperturbed, Lister revels in Rimmer’s misery as the alien pod turns out to be a Red Dwarf Garbage Pod after all.

GUEST CAST: Noel Coleman (Cat Priest), John Lenahan (Toaster)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 41st of 61 overall. 6th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

5. Confidence and Paranoia

First Broadcast: Monday 14th March 1988

IN BRIEF: A delusional Lister is tortured by figments of his imagination.

SYNOPSIS: After snooping around a dead woman’s sleeping quarters, Lister contracts a mutated form of pneumonia. His fevered dreams of fish rain and exploding mayors come to life, in the form of solid hallucinations. Two of them stick around: a personification of Lister’s confidence, and one of his paranoia. Rimmer promptly tries to kill one of them, but Lister is so buoyed by Confidence’s company that he refuses to seek treatment for his illness. Furthermore, he hatches a plan to retrieve Kochanski’s hidden personality disc and bring her back as a second hologram. During their expedition to the solar panels outside the sleeping quarters, Confidence confesses that he fed Paranoia in to the waste compactor, then tries to persuade Lister to take his helmet off. In order to demonstrate the safety of such a move, Confidence removes his helmet and promptly explodes. This makes Lister all better, but when he activates Kochanski’s disc, it turns out that it was in fact a duplicate of Rimmer’s.

GUEST CAST: Lee Cornes (Paranoia), Craig Ferguson (Confidence)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 37th of 61 overall. 5th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

6. Me²

First Broadcast: Monday 21st March 1988

IN BRIEF: Rimmer realises that he’s a prick.

SYNOPSIS: Rimmer moves in with his new bunkmate, Rimmer 2. They have a lovely time exercising, revising and setting unfeasibly early alarms. Lister’s also enjoying his new found freedom. He finds a tape recording of Rimmer’s death, and is baffled by his last words: “Gazpacho Soup”. His curiosity is further piqued when he steals Rimmer’s diary and notes that November 25th is marked as “Gazpacho Soup Day”. Later, he overhears the two Rimmers having a blazing row, during which the duplicate calls the original “Mr Gazpacho”. Rimmer skulks back to Lister’s room, and it soon becomes clear that the two Rimmers can’t live together. After a childish incident in a cinema, Lister decrees that one of them must die. The original is randomly selected. Lister gets him pissed and forces him to reveal all about the gazpacho soup – it turns out Rimmer is haunted by an incident whereby he attempted to return the notoriously cold soup for not being hot enough. Having successfully broken Rimmer’s spirit, Lister reveals that actually he’d already murdered the duplicate. Lolz.

GUEST CAST: Mac McDonald (Captain)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 13th of 61 overall. 2nd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

Series 2

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Norman Lovett (Holly)

WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
PRODUCER/DIRECTOR: Ed Bye
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Paul Jackson
CHANNEL: BBC 2
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Paul Jackson Productions

1. Kryten

First Broadcast: Tuesday 6th September 1988

IN BRIEF: The crew attempt to seduce three corpses, and Rimmer exploits a mentally ill slave.

SYNOPSIS: Holly picks up a distress call from a crashed ship, the Nova 5. An eponymous mechanoid informs the crew that three female officers have survived, so our boys prepare to go over and rescue/shag them. It turns out that the three women have been dead for centuries, it’s just that Kryten hadn’t noticed. Devastated by the loss, and in the midst of a philosophical crisis, Kryten is rescued and rehomed on Red Dwarf. Lister tries to convince him that he needn’t live like a servant, but Rimmer happily gives him an extraordinarily long list of chores to perform. Having redecorated the sleeping quarters and washed Lister’s boxers, Kryten sets about painting a portrait of Rimmer. It’s at this point that he finally rebels, painting Rimmer on the bog, pouring tomato soup over his bunk and taking Lister’s space bike on a joyride through the cosmos.

GUEST CAST: David Ross (Kryten), Johanna Hargreaves (The Esperanto Woman), Tony Slattery (Android Actor)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 20th of 61 overall. 5th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

2. Better Than Life

First Broadcast: Tuesday 13th September 1988

IN BRIEF: Rimmer’s dad dies, so he goes and ruins everyone’s fun.

SYNOPSIS: The post pod arrives, bringing with it triangular videos, total immersion video games, and the news that Rimmer’s dad has died. Rimmer reflects on his relationship with his father, revealing to Lister that he hated his parents, and divorced them when he was fourteen. Deep in depression, Rimmer watches a news report on the game Better Than Life, which identifies all of the player’s fantasies and makes them come true. The crew all enter the game, finding themselves on a beach in paradise. Before long, Lister is riding motorbikes and drinking champagne from a pint glass, Rimmer becomes an Admiral and shags Yvonne McGruder, and Cat is two-timing Marilyn Monroe and a mermaid. However, Rimmer’s diseased brain rebels against the game, and starts destroying the fantasies. Rimmer is pursued by the taxman, buried in sand and smeared with jam. Luckily, before they’re eaten alive by killer ants, the gang escape from the game. Or do they? No. Rimmer has his thumbs broken. Game Over. Or is it? Yes.

GUEST CAST: John Abineri (Rimmer’s Dad), Debbie Ash (Marilyn Monroe), Jeremy Austin (Rathbone), Nigel Carrivick (The Captain), Tony Hawks (The Guide), Judy Hawkins (McGruder), Tina Jenkins (The Newsreader), Ron Pember (The Taxman), Gordon Salkilld (Gordon).

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 14th of 61 overall. 3rd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

3. Thanks for the Memory

First Broadcast: Tuesday 20th September 1988

IN BRIEF: Lister destroys Rimmer’s life and then wipes everyone’s memory.

SYNOPSIS: It’s Rimmer’s first deathday, and the crew celebrate by getting royally pissed. Rimmer eats a triple fried egg chilli chutney sandwich, then drunkenly confesses that he’s only ever had sex once. The next morning, Lister and Cat both wake up with broken legs. Furthermore, someone’s finished Lister’s jigsaw, and four pages are missing from his diary. The black box is also missing, so they trace it to a nearby moon, where it’s buried in a shallow grave marked “To the memory of the memory of Lise Yates”. It transpires that Lister gifted Rimmer the memory of his love affair with the aforementioned Lise, and with the belief that he was once truly loved, Rimmer is transformed. However, when Rimmer discovers that Lister also dated Lise, the truth comes out. Rimmer is heartbroken, so they elect to erase everyone’s memories and bury the black box on a moon. Lister and the Cat break their legs in process.

GUEST CAST: Sabra Williams (Lise Yates)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 5th of 61 overall. 1st of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis

4. Stasis Leak

First Broadcast: Tuesday 27th September 1988

IN BRIEF: Three million years ago, Rimmer suffers a drug-induced nervous breakdown.

SYNOPSIS: Before the accident, when everything was black and white, Lister drugs Rimmer’s breakfast, and the latter sees his own floating head appear through the table. In the present day, Lister finds a photograph of himself marrying Kochanski, and discovers via Rimmer’s diary that there’s a stasis leak on floor 16 – a magic door to the past. Lister hatches a plan to persuade Kochanski to enter stasis, whilst Rimmer hatches a plan to persuade himself to enter stasis. Past Rimmer dismisses Present Rimmer as a hallucination, and Lister tracks Kochanski down to the honeymoon suite at the Ganymede Holiday Inn, where he discovers that she’s already married, to a future version of Lister. Three Listers, two additional Rimmers, the Cat and Kochanski descend on an ailing Past Rimmer, and he loses his shit.

GUEST CAST: Morwenna Banks (The Lift Hostess), Sophie Doherty (Kochanski’s Room Mate), C P Grogan (Kochanski), Richard Hainsworth (The Medical Orderly), Tony Hawks (The Suitcase), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Mark Williams (Petersen)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 19th of 61 overall. 4th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

5. Queeg

First Broadcast: Tuesday 4th October 1988

IN BRIEF: Holly endangers Lister’s life, so he fakes his own death to prove a point.

SYNOPSIS: Red Dwarf is hit by a meteorite, and Lister is electrocuted while repairing damage to the hologram projection suite. Holly is blamed for the accident, and due to his gross negligence is replaced by Red Dwarf’s backup computer, Queeg 500. All is well under Queeg’s regime, until he forces Rimmer to exercise against his will, and refuses to feed Lister and the Cat unless they are put to work. Holly meanwhile has been demoted to nightwatchman, but plans to win his job back by challenging Queeg to a game of his choice. The winner will gain control of the ship, and the loser will be erased. Queeg chooses chess, and promptly trounces Holly. He says his goodbyes and is promptly erased. Or is he? No. It was all a practical joke.

GUEST CAST: Charles Augins (Queeg)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 6th of 61 overall. 2nd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all.

6. Parallel Universe

First Broadcast: Tuesday 11th October 1988

IN BRIEF: Lister has a really elaborate wank.

SYNOPSIS: First of all, the Cat has a dream where he sings a quite rubbish song. Then, Holly announces that he has invented the Holly Hop Drive, a device which can transport the ship to any point in space. They try it. It doesn’t work. But it does nudge them into a parallel universe in which genders are reversed, where they meet their alternate selves. Dave and Deb get pissed together. Arlene attempts to rape Arnie. Holly and Hilly snog instead of fixing the Hop Drive. And The Cat’s female equivalent turns out to be a dog. After a drunken night, Dave and Debs wake up together, having had rampant unprotected sex. Dave is horrified to discover that in this universe, it’s men who get pregnant. The crew hop back home, and Lister takes the test. Rimmer’s going to be an uncle.

GUEST CAST: Suzanne Bertish (Ms Rimmer), Angela Bruce (Ms Lister), Matthew Devitt (The Dog), Hattie Hayridge (Hilly)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 34th of 61 overall. 6th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all.

Series III

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Hattie Hayridge (Holly), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
DIRECTOR: Ed Bye
PRODUCERS: Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Paul Jackson
CHANNEL: BBC 2
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Paul Jackson Productions

1. Backwards

First Broadcast: Tuesday 14th November 1989

IN BRIEF: Kryten and Rimmer are sacked because of a fight that Lister starts.

SYNOPSIS: The newly-rescued Kryten’s piloting test takes a turn for the worse when the newly-discovered Starbug is pulled through a Time Hole. Rimmer, Kryten and the newly-female Holly are trapped on a version of Earth were time runs backwards. A newly-not-pregnant Lister and the Cat follow behind. Then, from the point of view of the backwards universe: the four of them all arrive at once, the Cat does a shit, they pay for a taxi, ride the taxi to a pub and have a huge fight. Lister then starts the fight, while Rimmer and Kryten argue about having being sacked. They are then sacked. They then perform the show that they’ve just been sacked from, and later apply for the job in the first place.

GUEST CAST: Maria Friedman (Waitress), Tony Hawks (Compere), Anna Palmer (Customer in Cafe), Arthur Smith (Pub Manager)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 18th of 61 overall. 3rd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, DwarfCast Commentary (Forwards edition)

2. Marooned

First Broadcast: Tuesday 21st November 1989

IN BRIEF: Lister burns all of Rimmer’s shit.

SYNOPSIS: Red Dwarf is dangerously close to a whopping five black holes, and the ship must be evacuated while Holly navigates her way around. Kryten and the Cat go off in Blue Midget, while Lister and Rimmer take Starbug, which promptly crashes. The pair are stuck in a frozen wasteland, with limited food and fuel supplies. To take Lister’s mind off the situation, they discuss such topics as the contents of Rimmer’s special trunk, his past incarnation as Alexander The Great’s chief eunuch, and how Lister became sexually active as a child. Meanwhile, the fire that’s keeping Lister alive needs fuel, and having already burned £$24,000 dollar pounds and the complete works of Shakespeare, it’s either the trunk or Lister’s guitar to burn next. Lister makes the sacrifice, but while Rimmer’s back is turned, he cuts a guitar-shaped hole out of the trunk, and burns that instead. Rimmer doesn’t discover the truth until Cat and Kryten rescue them, at which point he elects to cut Lister’s balls off with a hacksaw.

GUEST CAST: None.

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 2nd of 61 overall. 1st of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all.

3. Polymorph

First Broadcast: Tuesday 28th November 1989

IN BRIEF: Lister shags Rimmer’s mum.

SYNOPSIS: A shape-shifting creature that feeds on emotions is loose on board the ship. After Kryten forcibly removes Lister’s pants, the Polymorph takes Lister’s fear. The others sedate him and hunt the creature down, but in the process Cat loses his vanity and Kryten his guilt. They return to the medical bay, where they discover that Lister has just fucked Rimmer’s mum. Rimmer is understandably annoyed, and the Polymorph takes his anger. So Lister is a homicidal maniac, the Cat becomes a wretched bum, Kryten attempts to sacrifice the others and Rimmer turns into a hippy peacenik. Fortunately, some bullets that they’d forgotten they fired earlier destroy the Polymorph, and everyone instantly returns to normal. There is a second Polymorph, but nobody mentions that again.

GUEST CAST: Frances Barber (Genny), Simon Gaffney (Young Rimmer), Kalli Greenwood (Mrs Rimmer),

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 8th of 61 overall. 2nd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

4. Bodyswap

First Broadcast: Tuesday 5th December 1989

IN BRIEF: Rimmer is shocked at the size of Lister’s penis.

SYNOPSIS: A skutter has gone mental and completely rewired the ship. Lister accidentally triggers the auto-destruct sequence by ordering a milkshake and a crispy bar. Only the captain or a senior officer can over-ride the sequence, so Kryten attempts to transplant an officer’s brain into Lister’s body. It works, but they fail to stop the bomb going off. Luckily, Holly got rid of the bomb ages ago. Anyway, this gives Rimmer an idea for him and Lister to swap bodies, and he cons Lister into agreeing by promising to make the body healthier. Instead, he constantly smokes, eats and drinks, and Lister demands they swap back. However, Rimmer makes Kryten chloroform Lister in the middle of the night, and steals Lister’s body. Lister-in-Rimmer’s-body gives chase, but Rimmer-in-Lister’s-body crashes Starbug. He pretends to lose an arm, but he’s actually alright, so he celebrates by stealing the Cat’s body instead.

GUEST CAST: None

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 24st of 61 overall. 5th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

5. Timeslides

First Broadcast: Tuesday 12th December 1989.

IN BRIEF: Rimmer creeps around a boys’ boarding school dorm in the middle of the night.

SYNOPSIS: Kryten is developing some photographs, when he discovers that the developing fluid has mutated, making the pictures come to life. Somehow. He experiments with projecting the photos as slides, and the crew are able to walk in to and interact with the scene, although they’re unable to move outside the frame of the photograph. Lister hatches a plan to give his seventeen-year-old self the means to invent the popular Tension Sheet, thus making himself a multi-multi-millionaire with a fit wife, and avoiding signing up for Red Dwarf in the first place. It works, but consequently Rimmer is left alone with Holly, as the Cat race never existed and they never rescued Kryten. Rimmer attempts to bring Lister back, but fails, so instead goes back to his own childhood so that he himself could invent the Tension Sheet. He only succeeds in giving his schoolmate Thicky Holden the invention, thus re-establishing the status quo. For some reason, these shenanigans have resulted in Rimmer being alive, but he soon rectifies this.

GUEST CAST: Robert Addie (Gilbert), Rupert Bates and Richard Hainsworth (Bodyguards), Emile Charles (Young Lister), Simon Gaffney (Young Rimmer), Stephen McKintosh (Thicky Holden), Louisa Ruthven (Ski Woman), Koo Stark (Lady Sabrina Mulholland-Jjones), Mark Steel (Ski Man), Ruby Wax (American Presenter), Adolf Hitler (Himself)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 23rd of 61 overall. 4th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis

6. The Last Day

First Broadcast: Tuesday 19th December 1989

IN BRIEF: Rimmer relives the time he was sexually abused by his uncle.

SYNOPSIS: Kryten receives the news that he is to be automatically shutdown due to his impeding obsolescence. He accepts his fate, believing that he’ll be rewarded in Silicon Heaven, the electronic after-life. Lister throws Kryten a leaving do in the Officers’ Club, where the gang all get pissed and reminisce about their collective lack of mothers. The next morning, Kryten’s replacement arrives – Hudzen 10, the ultimate machine. If Kryten refuses to turn himself off, Hudzen will do it for him, and after spending three million years hunting Kryten down, he’s gone a bit potty. Before he can kill the entire crew, Kryten makes Hudzen shut down from a metaphysical dichotomy by telling him that Silicon Heaven doesn’t exist. The question of where all the calculators go is left unresolved.

GUEST CAST: Julie Higginson (Girl Android), Gordon Kennedy (Hudzen)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 25th of 61 overall. 6th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

Series IV

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Hattie Hayridge (Holly), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
DIRECTOR: Ed Bye (all), Paul Jackson (ep. 4, uncredited)
PRODUCERS: Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor
CHANNEL: BBC 2
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions

1. Camille

First Broadcast: Thursday 14th February 1991

IN BRIEF: Kryten embarks on an inter-species relationship.

SYNOPSIS: Lister is teaching Kryten to break his programming by lying, insulting Rimmer and defying orders. On an asteroid-spotting mission, Kryten disobeys Rimmer by answering a distress call from a doomed ship. Kryten gets into trouble, and his life is saved by a female mechanoid, Camille. When he takes her back to Starbug, Rimmer sees her as a female hologram. When Lister sees her as a female Kochanski look-a-like, he figures out that all is not what it seems. Camille is a pleasure GELF, who appears to everyone who observes her as the object of their desire. Kryten is not perturbed, and embarks on a fling with Camille after she reverts to her natural form of a huge green blob. Unfortunately, her husband Hector turns up, and Kryten sacrifices his own happiness in order to ensure a better life for Camille. It’s a bit like Casablanca.

GUEST CAST: Judy Pascoe (Mechanoid Camille), Francesca Folan (Hologram Camille), Suzanne Rhatigan (Kochanski Camille), Rupert Bates (Hector Blob)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 32nd of 61 overall. 6th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

2. DNA

First Broadcast: Thursday 21st February 1991

IN BRIEF: Kryten gets an erection so big that it won’t fit in a standard photograph.

SYNOPSIS: The crew explore a derelict spacecraft, where Lister and Cat stumble across a mysterious machine and Lister is accidentally turned into a chicken. The machine is a DNA transmogrifier, able to transform any organic matter into any other organic matter. Lister’s turned into a hamster before returning to human, but in all the confusion, Kryten is made human too. Despite a few teething troubles with plugging a charger into his arse and getting an erection over a hoover, Kryten loves his new status. But when he visits his spare heads, they’re not so keen, and they see him as traitor to mechanoidkind. Kryten decides to change back, but the crew first test the machine on Lister’s curry, inadvertently creating a giant curry monster. Lister tries to fight the beast by turning himself into a Robocop parody, albeit one that’s only a few inches tall. Eventually, he manages to defeat the monster by soaking it in lager, which works for some reason.

GUEST CAST: Richard Ridings (DNA Computer Voice)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 29 of 61 overall. 4th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

3. Justice

First Broadcast: Thursday 28th February 1991

IN BRIEF: Rimmer is imprisoned for murder, while Lister encourages a simulant to kill himself.

SYNOPSIS: Red Dwarf has pulled in an escape pod, bearing the name “Barbara Bellini”, a prison guard at a penal station called Justice World. In order to find out whether the pod contains a human woman or a deranged killing machine, the crew have to travel to Justice World itself, where they are subjected to a mind probe to determine whether they are guilty of any crimes. Cat and Kryten pass the test, Lister is let off despite a string of minor offences, but Rimmer is found guilty of 1,167 counts of second-degree murder, and sentenced to 9,328 years in prison. This is to be served in the Justice Zone, in which anyone who tries to commit a crime instead suffers the consequences themselves. Somehow. Anyway, Kryten persuades the Justice Computer that Rimmer is not actually guilty of a crime, just of being Arnold Rimmer. He’s subsequently released and all is well. Except that the escape pod has opened and it contains a psychopathic simulant. He chases the crew into the Justice Zone, where Lister encourages the Simulant to attack him, knowing that it would actually be harming itself. It dies, and then Lister falls down a hole.

GUEST CAST: Nicholas Ball (The Simulant), James Smillie (Justice Computer Voice)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 16th of 61 overall. 3rd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis

4. White Hole

First Broadcast: Thursday 7th March 1991

IN BRIEF: Lister smashes Kryten’s head into a door 53 times.

SYNOPSIS: Kryten has repaired the Toaster, which Lister had previously murdered with a lump hammer. He pioneers a technique to restore an AI’s IQ at the cost of reducing their operational lifespan. They try it out on an increasingly erratic Holly, but there’s a miscalculation – her IQ is increased to 12,368, but her lifespan is reduced to 3.41 minutes. She immediately turns herself off, plunging the ship into emergency power. While the crew figure out what to do, they start experiencing relative time phenomena in an amazing compressed space. A white hole is spewing time back in to the universe. They explain the situation to Holly, who calculates a method of blocking the white hole by altering the orbit of a planet. Lister sees this as a pool shot, and thinks he can do a better job. He pulls of a trick shot, and time is returned to a point before any of this took place.

GUEST CAST: David Ross (Talkie Toaster)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 11th of 61 overall. 2nd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Re-Mastered analysis

5. Dimension Jump

First Broadcast: Thursday 14th March 1991

IN BRIEF: Rimmer ships Lister with a version of himself.

SYNOPSIS: In the past, a juvenile Rimmer is told he might be kept back a year in school. In a parallel dimension, Ace Rimmer sets off on an experimental dimension-jumping craft. Meanwhile, our crew set off on a fishing trip, but Starbug is struck by an experimental dimension-jumping craft, and crashes. Ace Rimmer enters the fray and saves the day, despite having broken an arm. The two Rimmers couldn’t be more different, and it all stems back to that decision about being kept back a year. Arnold can’t stand Ace, and he has infinite other dimensions to explore, so he says his goodbyes, revealing that  it was Ace who was kept back a year. He sets off, after Rimmer tries to drop some kippers on him, or something.

GUEST CAST: Kalli Greenwood (Mrs Rimmer), Simon Gaffney (Young Rimmer), Hetty Baynes (Cockpit Computer)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 9th of 61 overall. 1st of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

6. Meltdown

First Broadcast: Thursday 21st March 1991

IN BRIEF: Rimmer commits genocide.

SYNOPSIS: Kryten finds a prototype “matter paddle”, capable of transporting the crew to the nearest habitable planet. He and Rimmer go ahead, are chased by dinosaurs and captured by Elvis Presley. Lister and the Cat follow behind, beaming into Adolf Hitler’s fireplace. All parties soon learn that they’re on an abandoned waxdroid amusement park, where the droids have broken their programming and a war between good and evil has been raging for centuries. Rimmer takes command of the good troops, planning the ultimate attack on the evil forces. Meanwhile, Lister and Cat escape from captivity with Abraham Lincoln and reunite with Rimmer, who immediately places them under arrest to prevent them from scuppering the battle plans. The conflict goes ahead under cover of daylight. The majority of the goodies are instantly killed. But Queen Victoria sneaks into the baddies’ HQ and guns down Hitler. Kryten then turns up the building’s thermostat to melt any survivors. The entire population of planet is wiped out. Rimmer is satisfied with a job well done, so Lister swallows his light bee, fondly anticipating the prospect of shitting him out.

GUEST CAST: Clayton Mark (Elvis), Kenneth Hadley (Hitler), Martin Friend (Einstein), Stephen Tiller (Pythagoras), Jack Klaff (Abraham Lincoln), Tony Hawks (Caligula), Michael Burrell (Pope Gregory), Forbes Mason (Stan Laurel), Roger Blake (Noel Coward), Pauline Bailey (Marilyn Monroe)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 31st of 61 overall. 5th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

Series V

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Hattie Hayridge (Holly), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
DIRECTOR: Juliet May (eps. 1-3, 5-6), Grant Naylor (eps. 2, 4-6)
PRODUCER: Hilary Bevan Jones
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
CHANNEL: BBC 2
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions

1. Holoship

First Broadcast: Thursday 20th February 1992

IN BRIEF: A woman has sex with Rimmer, and soon relinquishes her life.

SYNOPSIS: Rimmer is abducted by some wibbly blue lights, and is transported to the holoship Enlightenment. The crew and everything on board is hologrammatic, and twice daily sexual intercourse is compulsory, as revealed to Rimmer by the beautiful Nirvanah Crane. He’s so impressed that he asks the over-acting captain if he can join the crew. Unfortunately, the ship is already fully crewed, and the only way in is dead man’s boots. He sets up the challenge anyway, then has an extremely brief interlude to have sex with Nirvanah. Returning to the Dwarf, he sets up a mind patch, whereby his brain is augmented with the intelligence of other dead crew members. When the test starts, all goes well, until the natural drag factor of Rimmer’s own brain takes over and undoes the mind patch. Rimmer is pretty glum, but Nirvanah is sure he’ll get his dream. Sure enough, his opponent unexpectedly withdraws, and Rimmer transfers to his new ship. However, when he’s shown his new quarters, he recognises them as Nirvanah’s. She was his opponent, and she gave up her very existence so that he could join. He can’t let her do that, so he resigns so that she can be reinstated, even though they’ll forever be apart/not together.

GUEST CAST: Jane Horrocks (Nirvanah Crane), Matthew Marsh (Captain Platini), Don Warrington (Commander Binks), Lucy Briers (Harrison), Simon Day (Number Two), Jane Montgomery (Number One),

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 15th of 61 overall. 3 of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis

2. The Inquisitor

First Broadcast: Thursday 27th February 1992

IN BRIEF: Lister and Kryten are erased from history.

SYNOPSIS: The Inquisitor, a time-travelling android with a magic time gauntlet that can erase people from existence, is making his way through the whole of human history, putting each individual on trial to justify their existence. The crew are next in line, and like all who stand before The Inquistor, their judge shall be themselves. Rimmer’s defence is based on what a terrible start in life he had, Cat rests his case on his beautiful ass, Kryten points out (via poetry) that it’s not an android’s place to judge humans, and Lister just tells himself to spin on it. The verdict? Rimmer and Cat survive, Kryten and Lister are erased. But before The Inquisitor can delete their physical forms, a future version of Kryten appears, chops off The Inquisitor’s hand and throws the gauntlet to our Lister & Kryten before being killed. They try to escape, but neither the ship nor Rimmer and Cat recognise them. They’ve been replaced by alternative versions, who both get killed. Lister uses his dead sperm in law’s hand to aid their escape. Rimmer and Cat eventually come round to their side, but then they get killed too. Kryten goes back in time in order to get killed. Lister sets up a scenario whereby he saves The Inquisitor’s life, so that he can’t be erased. The Inquisitor’s not buying it, but he falls for the old backfiring time gauntlet trick, accidentally erases himself from history, and restores everything to normal.

GUEST CAST: ‘John’ Docherty (The Inquisitor), Jake Abraham (Second Lister), James Cormack (Thomas Allman)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 17th of 61 overall. 4th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

3. Terrorform

First Broadcast: Thursday 5th March 1992

IN BRIEF: Rimmer gets stripped, oiled and massaged.

SYNOPSIS: Kryten and Rimmer crash land on a mysterious moon. Kryten’s disembodied hand gets Lister and Cat’s attention – they rescue and repair Kryten but Rimmer has been kidnapped. The crew soon discover that this is a psi-moon, a place where the environments and inhabitants are all determined by elements of one individual’s psyche – in this case, Rimmer. After traversing the Swamp of Despair, they find Rimmer held captive by his own self-loathing. They try and bring him down with bazookoid fire, even though they were risking their lives to do so. Only after Rimmer realises this is the beast defeated. The foursome make their way back to Starbug, but are bogged down in quicksand. Kryten realises that they can only escape by improving Rimmer’s mood, so they all pretend they love him. After a four-way-hug-scenario, the ghosts of Rimmer’s positive personality traits come back to life, and the crew successfully take off.

GUEST CAST: Sara Stockbridge and Francine Walker-Lee (Handmaidens)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 28th of 61 overall. 6th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, A lovely bit of James Last

4. Quarantine

First Broadcast: Thursday 12th March 1992

IN BRIEF: Rimmer tries to kill the rest of the crew.

SYNOPSIS: The crew come across an abandoned research facility, home to a hologram named Dr Lanstrom. Lister, Cat and Kryten go to investigate, but Rimmer, perturbed by his lack of authority and the notion of being replaced as ship’s hologram, stays behind to bone up on his Space Corps Directives. Unfortunately, Lanstrom is afflicted by a holo-virus, which gives her powers of telepathy, telekinesis and hex-vision. She succumbs to the virus, but not before transmitting it electronically to Rimmer. When the crew return, Rimmer has them confined to quarantine. They slowly drive each other potty, but not as potty as Rimmer, who’s wearing a gingham dress and army boots, and answers to the King of the Potato People. They use one of Lanstrom’s positive viruses – a luck virus – to escape from Quarantine, but Rimmer apprehends them, aided by his new powers and a glove puppet called Mr Flibble. They use the luck virus again to overcome him, and get their revenge by sticking the fucker in quarantine himself.

GUEST CAST: Maggie Steed (Dr Hildegarde Lanstrom)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 4th of 61 overall. 2nd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

5. Demons & Angels

First Broadcast: Thursday 19th March 1992

IN BRIEF: Red Dwarf blows up.

SYNOPSIS: Kryten and Lister have adapted the matter paddle from Meltdown to function as a triplicator. However, one of the copies contains only the best elements of the original, and the other only the worst. When they attempt to reverse the process, Red Dwarf is blown up. Two new copies of the ship materialise. The crew head to the “high” ship to retrieve a copy of the triplicator, but it only has half of the necessary components. They therefore have to brave the “low” ship, where half the high crew are instantly killed. Lister is captured by the lows, and forcefed a tarantula. They then fit him with a spinal implant, which allows them to control him remotely. Meanwhile, Kryten has assembled the triplicator, but the crew are attacked by Lister, who’s fresh from murdering the remaining Highs. Kryten takes him by surprise with chloroform and they escape. Kryten activates the triplicator, and Red Dwarf returns but Lister is still under control, until Cat shoots the Low Lister, before making our Lister slap himself in the face repeatedly for a week.

GUEST CAST: None

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 27th of 61 overall. 5th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

6. Back To Reality

First Broadcast: Thursday 26th March 1992

IN BRIEF: The crew are all killed by a giant squid.

SYNOPSIS: While the crew explore yet another derelict, it transpires that everyone (and every fish) on board had committed suicide, due to the despair brought upon by an hallucinogenic venom. They head back to Starbug after suffering a brief bout of anguish, but the craft is attacked by a giant squid. Starbug explodes, killing the crew. Then, Duane Dibbley, Jake Bullet, William Doyle and Sebastian Doyle emerge from their artificial reality suite and begin to recuperate. They’ve spent four years playing the popular video game Red Dwarf, and their memories are yet to return. Sebastian learns that he’s a fascist enforcer in a totalitarian state, and Jake kills a human. As they try to escape, it turns out that this is all an elaborate group hallucination, and Holly is trying to revive the still very much alive and real crew. Duane et al attempt a group suicide with Jake/Kryten’s harpoon gun, but Holly gets through to them just in time and the hallucination ends.

GUEST CAST: Timothy Spall (Andy), Lenny Von Dohlen (Cop), Anastasia Hille (New Kochanski), Marie McCarthy (Nurse), John Sharian (New Lister)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 1st of 61 overall. 1st of 6 in series (obvs).

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Programme Analysis

Series VI

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
DIRECTOR: Andy De Emmony
PRODUCER: Justin Judd
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
CHANNEL: BBC 2
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions

1. Psirens

First Broadcast: Thursday 7th October 1993

IN BRIEF: Lister kisses a big insect.

SYNOPSIS: 200 years have passed, and Red Dwarf is lost. The crew, now confined to Starbug, attempt to chase its vapour trail through an asteroid belt, and discover a spaceship graveyard. Insectoid GELF scavengers, Psirens, have been luring space travellers to their doom through telepathy, in order to eat their brains. They attempt to lure Cat and Lister by pretending to be nymphomaniacs and Kochanski respectively, and Starbug is brought down by a giant flaming meteorite. When Lister goes out to repair the damage, two Psirens fight for his brain. He evades them, but then two Listers return to Starbug. The crew weed out the interloper, but it escapes to the engine room. Kryten goes after it, but it forces him to enter the waste compactor. It’s about to kill Lister and the Cat, but a newly cubed Kryten saves the day.

GUEST CAST: Jenny Agutter (Professor Mamet), Samantha Robson (Pete Tranter’s Sister), Anita Dobson (Captain Tau), Richard Ridings (Crazed Astro), C.P. Grogan (Kochanski), Zoe Hilson & Elizabeth Anson (Temptresses), Phil Manzanera (Featuring the hands of)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 21st of 61 overall. 4th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

2. Legion

First Broadcast: Thursday 14th October 1993

IN BRIEF: Kryten knocks everyone the fuck out.

SYNOPSIS: A tractor beam pulls Starbug into an abandoned space station, previously home to an extremely advanced technological research centre. As the crew investigate, a life form registers on the psi-scan. They meet Legion, a green-lycra-clad mysterious masked figure. He performs an emergency appendectomy on Lister, and upgrades Rimmer’s light bee to support hard light projection. Furthermore, he insists on treating the crew to a slap-up Mimosian meal, and invites them to stay indefinitely. The crew love their luxurious surroundings, but they’re losing ground on Red Dwarf, and aren’t sure how voluntary their stay is. Legion gets violent when they try to escape. Kryten figures out that he’s a gestalt entity, comprised of elements from each of his visitors, and that he will cease to exist if the crew escape. He remedies the situation by knocking everyone else out, so that Legion becomes a carbon copy of Kryten, and as such must comply with the crew’s wishes.

GUEST CAST: Nigel Williams (Legion)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 10th of 61 overall. 2nd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

3. Gunmen of the Apocalypse

First Broadcast: Thursday 21st October 1993

IN BRIEF: Lister’s sex life is ruined by a virus.

SYNOPSIS: Starbug is being stalked by rogue simulants, thus interrupting Lister’s artificial reality session. Their attempt at subterfuge fails when a simulant materialises on board. He knocks the crew out, and gives Starbug a full offensive upgrade, in order to make for a fair fight. This is perhaps misjudged, as Starbug takes the simulant ship down. The simulants’ parting shot is to infect Starbug’s navicomp with a virus, putting them on collision course with a lava planet. Kryten has to contract the virus itself, and fight against it to create an antidote within his own dreamscape. He imagines himself as a drunken sheriff in a Western town, harassed and threatened by the Apocalypse Brothers. The rest of the crew use the AR suite to enter Kryten’s dream, get him sobered up and help him to fight the Apocalypse boys. They’re all forced to quit the game, but Kryten does enough, and wipes the Apocalypse boys – and the virus – out. Starbug escapes from the lava planet just in time.

GUEST CAST: Jennifer Calvert (Loretta), Denis Lill (Simulant Captain/Death), Liz Hickling (Simulant Lieutenant), Imogen Bain (Lola), Steve Devereaux (Jimmy), Robert Inch (War), Jeremy Peters (Pestilence), Dinny Powell (Famine), Stephen Marcus (Bear Strangler McGee)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 3rd of 61 overall. 1st of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

4. Emohawk: Polymorph II

First Broadcast: Thursday 28th October 1993

IN BRIEF: Rimmer attempts to break the Cat’s neck.

SYNOPSIS: Starbug is apprehended by a spinning 2-D circle. They escape by entering GELF Space, where they promptly crash land on a Kinitawowi moon. They need an oxygen generation unit before they can take off, so they set about bartering with the GELFs. The GELF Chief names his price – Lister must marry his daughter. He goes through with the ceremony, then fucks right off, so the GELF Chief unleashes his pet Emohawk – a domesticated Polymorph – on Starbug. It attacks the Cat, turning him in Duane Dibbley, before turning Rimmer into Ace. Ace concocts a plan to flush the Emohawk into space, killing himself and Duane/Cat in the process. Lister stops him from doing this, and the four of them hunt the Emohawk down. It turns into a grenade, but Ace suppresses the explosion, and Lister freezes the creature with liquid nitrogen.

GUEST CAST: Hugh Quarshie (Computer), Martin Sims (GELF), Ainsley Harriott (GELF Chief), Steven Wickham (GELF Bride).

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 39th of 61 overall. 6th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all.

5. Rimmerworld

First Broadcast: Thursday 4th November 1993

IN BRIEF: Six centuries of inter-Rimmer breeding.

SYNOPSIS: The crew happen upon the simulant ship they destroyed in Gunmen, and decide to attempt a salvage mission. They find a teleporter, but also find a barely-surviving simulant. Rimmer uses an escape pod to get away, thus triggering a shipquake. The others use the teleporter to get away, via three weeks ago. Rimmer’s escape pod passes through a wormhole. Starbug will follow behind it, but due to time dilation, Rimmer will be waiting for centuries. He examines the contents of his escape pod, and finds eco-accelerator rockets to terraform the desert landscape. He then manages to clone himself. When the rest of the crew arrive, the entire planet is populated by countless Rimmers. They’re thrown in jail, where they find the real Rimmer, imprisoned for centuries by his own descendants. They escape using the teleporter, but accidentally visit the near future, where they discover something quite hideous has happened to Lister…

GUEST CAST: Liz Hickling (Rogue Simulant)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 33rd of 61 overall. 5th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

6. Out of Time

First Broadcast: Thursday 11th November 1993

IN BRIEF: The crew get really fat and start hanging round with Nazis.

SYNOPSIS: Starbug passes through a dense patch of stellar fog. There’s an impact, and Lister is hurt. However, when Kryten examines him, it’s discovered that Lister is in fact a re-programmed mechanoid in disguise. It turns out that the stellar fog contains unreality bubbles, which create false realities in order to ward off looters. They decide to fight their way through, and discover a time drive at the epicenter, which they promptly install on Starbug. After a trip to pre-Renaissance Deep Space, the crew are contacted by their future selves. Kryten locks the others away while he meets them – Rimmer and Cat are both fat bastards, Kryten wears a ridiculous toupee and Lister is just a brain in a jar. They need the present crew’s help to repair their time drive. Lister breaks in to the meeting and gives the future selves the boot. Future Rimmer gives the crew an ultimatum. Either give them access to the data they require, or be prepared to be blasted out of the sky. They fight. They lose. To be continued.

GUEST CAST: None.

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 12th of 61 overall. 3rd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis, article on the cliffhanger.

Series VII

STARRING: Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chris Barrie (Rimmer, eps. 1-3, 5), Chloe Annett (Kochanski, eps. 3-8)

WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor (all), Paul Alexander (eps. 2, 7, 8), Kim Fuller (ep. 5), Robert Llewellyn (ep. 6), James Hendrie (ep. 8)
PRODUCER/DIRECTOR: Ed Bye
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Doug Naylor
CHANNEL: BBC 2
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions

1. Tikka To Ride

First Broadcast: Friday 17th January 1997

IN BRIEF: Kryten, Cat and Rimmer brutally beat Lister.

SYNOPSIS: Turns out that the crew didn’t die after all, but all the curry supplies were wiped out. Lister wants to use the time drive to (somehow) go back to 21st century Earth, but Kryten won’t allow it. So Lister steals Kryten’s body, attaches Spare Head 2 and removes his behaviour protocols. They retrieve and use the time drive, but it takes them back to the Texas Book Depository, Dallas, on the 22nd November 1963. They accidentally prevent President Kennedy’s assassination, and jump forward in time by three years to escape. The world is unrecognisable. Kennedy was impeached, J. Edgar Hoover became president, and the USA is on the brink of nuclear apocalypse. After eating a dead man, the crew enlist President Kennedy himself to be the second gunman. He shoots himself, and this somehow doesn’t cause the same paradox that was used at the start of the episode to get out of the Out of Time cliffhanger.

GUEST CAST: Michael J. Shannon (John F. Kennedy), Toby Aspin (Lee Harvey Oswald), Peter Gaitens (FBI Agent), Robert Ashe (Cop)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 36th of 61 overall. 1st of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Xtended Revisited

2. Stoke Me A Clipper

First Broadcast: Friday 24th January 1997

IN BRIEF: Lister tells everyone Rimmer has been killed by a fictional character, and they accept this.

SYNOPSIS: In a parallel dimension, Ace Rimmer vanquishes a disgusting racist, who plays a Nazi here. Meanwhile, Lister’s attempts to have sex with a medieval queen are ruined when he is pulled out of his AR game. Ace has materialised too close to Starbug again. He comes on board, and reveals to Rimmer that he’s dying. He isn’t the first Ace, not even the second – when each Ace dies, he recruits another Rimmer. Our Rimmer is not keen, and is struggling with his training. Lister dresses as a knight from his AR game, and convinces Rimmer that he’s defeated him. Rimmer gives Ace the good news, just as he succumbs to his light bee damage. Lister tells the rest of the crew that it’s Rimmer who has died. Having seen the sheer number of cheap CGI Ace Rimmer pods, Rimmer takes on the mantle and sets off for adventure.

GUEST CAST: Brian Cox (The King), Ken Morley (Captain Voorhese), Sarah Alexander (Queen), John Thompson (Good Knight), Alison Senior (Princess Bonjella), Mark Carlisle (Lieutenant), Mark Lingwood (Gestapo Officer), Kai Maurer, Stephan Grothgar and Andy Gell (Soldiers)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 42nd of 61 overall. 2nd of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all.

3. Ouroboros

First Broadcast: Friday 31st January 1997

IN BRIEF: Lister takes advantage of a confused, barely-conscious woman.

SYNOPSIS: Liverpool, 2155. A baby is left in a box under a pool table. In the present day, Starbug comes across a rip in the fabric of space/time, and the crew enter a dimensional linkway. They meet up with the residents of a parallel universe which diverged from our own when Kochanski discovered Lister’s pet cat, and consequently she got caught and sent to stasis instead of him. The linkway is attacked by the GELFs from Emohawk, and alternate Kochanski is stranded with our crew. She asks Lister for a sperm donation, then uses her superior navigation skills to escape the GELFs. A whingy bastard who has taken the place of Kryten helps her to re-establish the linkway, but as she’s about to leave, Lister realises that the baby he is about to father is in fact himself. The GELFs attack again, and Kochanski attempts to leap the gap that they fire into the linkway. She falls short, Lister saves her life by shooting her with a harpoon gun, and carries her back to our Starbug. Eighteen months later, Lister abandons an infant version of himself in Liverpool, 2155.

GUEST CAST: Gary Bleasdale (Frank), Juliet Griffiths (Barmaid), Adrienne Posta (Flight Announcer), Alexander John-Jules (Baby Lister)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 47th of 61 overall. 4th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Xtended Revisited

4. Duct Soup

First Broadcast: Friday 7th February 1997

IN BRIEF: Kryten endangers the lives of the entire crew out of petty jealousy.

SYNOPSIS: Lister and Kochanski are both suffering from insomnia, so her runs her a lovely bath. This makes Kryten insanely jealous. Suddenly, the power goes off, all the doors lock, and the crew have to climb through the ventilation ducts to get to the back-up generator. It turns out that Lister is claustrophobic, and also that Kochanski makes a noise like a rusty gate when she has sex. It’s also getting warmer – Starbug is on a collision course with a sun. It emerges that Kryten deliberately overloaded the power generator to prevent Kochanski having a bath. The big twat. The crew speed to their destination by surfing the waves of water that clean the ducts. But they emerge back in Lister’s bunk room. The map was upside down. But it’s okay, because the door wasn’t locked after all, which Kryten was fully aware of. The big twat.

GUEST CAST: None.

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 50th of 61 overall. 6th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Xtended Revisited

5. Blue

First Broadcast: 14th February 1997

IN BRIEF: Lister dreams of kissing Rimmer.

SYNOPSIS: The crew try to navigate their way through the tail of a comet, nearly destroying Starbug in the process. Lister sets about jettisoning any unnecessary cargo to reduce Starbug’s weight, and starts reminiscing about the good times he had with Rimmer, such as cheating at golf and stealing from dead people’s lockers. Unexpectedly, Rimmer returns, the pair catch up and then have a good old snog. But it was all a dream. Lister seeks help from Kryten, but it’s Kochanski who helps him through his grief. Not to be outdone, Kryten creates The Rimmer Experience, an AR museum about Rimmer’s life, based on events recounted in his diary, and complete with a munchkin-based song and dance routine. Lister hates Rimmer again now.

GUEST CAST: None.

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 45th of 61 overall. 3rd of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all.

6. Beyond a Joke

First Broadcast: Friday 21st February 1997

IN BRIEF: Kryten disowns his drug-addled brother, leading to his death.

SYNOPSIS: It’s the anniversary of Kryten being rescued from the Nova 5, so he cooks a slap-up lobster dinner to celebrate. However, the rest of the crew have made plans to play a Jane Austen themed computer game, and so they selfishly leave Kryten on his own rather than just rescheduling. Kryten takes his revenge by hacking into the game and blowing everything up with a big tank. When they finally settle down to dinner, Lister asks for ketchup, and Kryten’s head explodes. The crew board a nearby derelict to look for spare heads, only to discover it’s been taken over by simulants. They decide to wear some incredibly realistic GELF costumesin order to barter with the simulant. Despite the Cat blowing their cover, they pick up some spare heads, but when they return to Starbug, they discover it’s been ransacked and Kryten is missing. The simulant has Kryten fixed by Able, a fellow Series 4000 mechanoid – effectively Kryten’s ‘brother’ – who’s addicted to debilitating mechanoid drug Otrazone. The crew get Kryten and Able back and knock the simulant party out, but not before Kryten is informed that the 4000 Series was designed as a joke to get back at Professor Mamet’s former partner. All Kryten’s negative emotions are stored on a nega-drive, which contains a concentrated ball of resentment and anger. The crew are laying low, hiding from the simulants, when Able sneaks off to the cockpit for an Otrazone fix. He gives their position away, then buggers off in an escape pod. But Able fires Kryten’s nega-drive at the simulants, drowning them in resentment until the ship explodes, taking the escape pod with it.

GUEST CAST: Don Henderson (The Simulant), Vicky Ogden (Mrs. Bennet), Alina Proctor (Jane Bennet), Catherine Harvey (Kitty Bennet), Sophia Thierens (Lydia Bennet), Rebecca Katz (Mary Bennet), Julia Lloyd (Elizabeth Bennet)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 55th of 61 overall. 7th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

7. Epideme

First Broadcast: Friday 28th February 1997

IN BRIEF: Lister cops off with a corpse and ends up losing an arm.

SYNOPSIS: The crew detect a life-sign on a frozen derelict. A woman, Caroline Carmen, is frozen inside a slab of ice. They bring the slab on board, where it melts in the middle of the night. Caroline, who it turns out is a big zombie, attacks Lister and kisses him. Lister has been infected with the intelligent Epideme virus, and Kryten finds a way to communicate with the disease. They can’t persuade him to leave Lister be, so they use anti-bodies to contain the virus to Lister’s arm, and then chop it off. But it doesn’t work, and Lister is still diseased. He’s prevented from blowing himself up when Epideme sends him on a wild goose chase for a cure that doesn’t exist. Kochanski saves him with a drastic plan – she stops his heart, allows his body to bite her arm, and then cuts it off. Luckily, it turns out it was Caroline Carmen’s arm after all, and everything’s fine. Except that Lister still doesn’t have a right arm.

GUEST CAST: Nicky Leatherbarrow (Caroline Carmen), Gary Martin (Epideme)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 48th of 61 overall. 5th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

8. Nanarchy

First Broadcast: Friday 7th March 1997

IN BRIEF: Red Dwarf is all tiny, then massive.

SYNOPSIS: Lister only has one arm, and they all talk about that for a bit. When Kryten’s attempts to provide a robot arm fail, Kochanski remembers the existence of nanobots, which act as a mechanoid’s self-repair system. Kryten’s nanobots are missing, last seen before they lost Red Dwarf. So the crew go into deep sleep and travel back to the scene of Back To Reality, where they find a planet that the navicomp identifies as Red Dwarf. They find several items from the ship, including Lister’s old Holly watch. Holly – now male again – explains that the nanobots remolecularised the entire ship, restored Holly’s personality, then fucked him off and went to explore Lister’s sock basket in a tiny Red Dwarf. Kryten recaptures the nanobots and instructs them to rebuild Red Dwarf and build Lister a new arm. They over-compensate, giving Lister a huge muscular body, and creating a giant-sized Red Dwarf.

GUEST CAST: Norman Lovett (Holly)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 56th of 61 overall. 8th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

Series VIII

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain, except ep. 5)

WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor (all), Paul Alexander (eps. 5 & 7)
PRODUCER/DIRECTOR: Ed Bye
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Doug Naylor
CHANNEL: BBC 2
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions

1. Back In The Red (Part One)

First Broadcast: Thursday 18th February 1999

IN BRIEF: Starbug anally penetrates a rat.

SYNOPSIS: Lister and Rimmer are in prison, being really annoying. Three days earlier, Starbug hurtles through the corridors of a giant-sized Red Dwarf while it shrinks around them. After buggering a rat, in squeezes through to the cargo bay, losing its engines and mid-section in the process, before exploding into a big ball of flames. The crew come to and are greeted by Chen and Selby. Hollister turns up and has Lister arrested for stealing and crashing a Starbug. As well as rebuilding the ship, the nanobots have resurrected the entire crew, then done a runner. Lister will be imprisoned in the ship’s hitherto unmentioned prison deck if he can’t prove his story. He enlists pre-accident Rimmer to help him, in exchange for access to the crew’s confidential files. He finds them in Starbug’s wreckage, along with the luck and sexual magnetism viruses from Quarantine.

GUEST CAST: Paul Bradley (Chen), David Gillespie (Selby), Karl Glenn Stimpson (MP Thornton), Kika Mirylees (Doc Newton), Andy Taylor (Dr. McClaren)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 51st of 61 overall. 2nd of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Xtended Revisited

2. Back In The Red (Part Two)

First Broadcast: Thursday 25th February 1999

IN BRIEF: Rimmer uses a drug to sleep with half the crew, then attacks his own penis with a hammer.

SYNOPSIS: Captain Hollister does a video diary for ages. Then, Rimmer delivers a report on drive plate safety to Hollister, prompting the captain to invite him to a top-level dinner.  The crew are preparing to stand trial, and consent to undergo psychotropic testing to determine their guilt. Later, Lister uses the luck virus to escape from his holding cell and rescue Kochanski. He then uses the sexual magnetism virus to assault her. Meanwhile, Kryten attempts to defy his superiors by making them sit on a toilet, and promptly has his personality restored to factory settings. Meanwhile, the Cat has joined the escape party, and the trio don wigs and teeth to pass themselves off as the Dibbley family. They happen upon Kryten, who recognises them and returns to normal. Meanwhile, Rimmer is trying to impress Hollister at dinner, but is interrupted by constant bouts of virus-induced sex. Hollister reveals that the crew are currently undergoing psychotropic testing – they think they’re escaping, but it’s all a simulation. Rimmer realises that they could incriminate him by mentioning the confidential files, so he sets off to interfere.

GUEST CAST: Kika Mirylees (Doc Newton), Jemma Churchill (Panel Woman Officer), Andy Taylor (Dr. McClaren), Sue Kelvin (Second Woman Officer), Karl Gleen Stimpson (MP Thornton), Genevieve Swallow (Last Woman Officer), Geoffrey Beevers (Doctor)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 57th of 61 overall. 4th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Xtended Revisited

3. Back In The Red (Part Three)

First Broadcast: Thursday 4th March 1999

IN BRIEF: Everyone is sent to prison for crimes that only Rimmer and Lister commit.

SYNOPSIS: Lister and Rimmer are being annoying in prison again, then Captain Hollister does a video diary for fucking ages. Back in the present, the escaped crew are commandeering a Blue Midget. In order to prove to the ground controller that he’s a competent pilot, the Cat does an elaborate dance. Meanwhile, Rimmer breaks in to the AR suite where the crew are really being held, and deletes all references to the confidential file scam from the record. This manipulation causes the crew to realise they’re in a computer programme, and they try to find their way out via some shit claymation. They exit and head for an elevator with Rimmer. They persuade him to join them in a real escape, and go and commandeer a Blue Midget. But, oh no! The ground controller is actually a bit ugly! They take off without a dance, but then Holly points out that they’re still in AR, and that he was responsible for all of this, for some reason. Back in the real world, Hollister and a ridiculous egg-headed version of Holly are watching events unfold, and conclude that the crew are innocent of all the original charges, but are “all” guilty of abusing confidential files. They are sentenced to two years in the brig, where Lister uses the remaining sexual magnetism virus to ensure Rimmer is raped.

GUEST CAST: Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Yasmin Bannerman (First Ground Controller), Jeillo Edwards (Second Ground Controller), Karl Glenn Stimpson (MP Thornton)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 59th of 61 overall. 6th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Xtended Revisited

4. Cassandra

First Broadcast: Thursday 11th March 1999

IN BRIEF: Rimmer gleefully leads Warden Knot to his death.

SYNOPSIS: Lister signs everyone up for the Canaries, which he mistakenly believes to be a singing group, rather than a lunatic scout party, sent into places too dangerous for the main crew. Their first assignment is aboard the SSS Silverberg, which is home to a computer called Cassandra that can unerringly predict the future. She boldly states that all the Canaries (bar Lister, Cat, Kryten and Kochanski) will be dead within an hour, except for Rimmer who will be dead within 20 minutes. Realising that Cassandra doesn’t necessarily know who ‘Rimmer’ is, he gives Warden Knot his jacket with an over-sized name badge, and Knot promptly has a heart attack. But Rimmer will still die with the rest of the Canaries. Cassandra reveals that Lister shoots him after finding him in bed with Kochanski. She’s skeptical, but soon finds herself naked in Rimmer’s presence. Lister arrives, but he’s figure out what’s going on – Cassandra’s basically just taking the piss, because she predicts that Lister will kill her. He confronts her, but decides to avoid predeterminism by not killing her. As he leaves, he sticks his chewing gum to the wall. It drops, and sets off a chain reaction that results in Cassandra’s death.

GUEST CAST: Geraldine McEwan (Cassandra), Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Jake Wood (Kill Crazy), Shend (Warden Knot), Ian Soundy (Guard), Joseph Crilly (Blood Drinker)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 43rd of 61 overall. 1st of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Garbage World analysis

5. Krytie TV

First Broadcast: Thursday 18th March 1999

IN BRIEF: Kryten profits from the sexual exploitation of women without their consent.

SYNOPSIS: Lister receives news that he may be able to appeal his sentence if he can maintain his good behaviour. Meanwhile, Kryten is sad because he’s been classified as a woman, due to the ship’s out-dated notion of gender identity. When Kill Crazy and his cronies hear Kryten shares communal showers with the female prisoners, they kidnap him and reprogram him to be a ruthless entrepreneur. He establishes Krytie TV and broadcasts Women’s Shower Night Live to the male prisoners. Lister tells Kochanski, but she’s annoyed that he didn’t tell her sooner. Kryten is then booted out of the women’s wing, and brings Lister news that Kochanski is getting back together with her ex-boyfriend Tim. He encourages Lister to sabotage their date by wrecking Tim’s quarters. However, this is all a ruse for Krytie TV – after he trashes the room, it’s revealed that it’s actually Ackerman’s quarters. Rimmer helps him to put things right, mindful of the upcoming appeal. But it turns out that the appeal was only over Lister’s guitar strings anyway. Boh!

GUEST CAST: Jake Wood (Kill Crazy), Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Mark Caven (Man in Film), Sarah Wateridge (Woman in Film), Clifford Barry (Guard)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 54th of 61 overall. 3rd of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

6. Pete (Part One)

First Broadcast: Thursday 25th March 1999

IN BRIEF: Rimmer and Lister give Hollister an erection.

SYNOPSIS: For some reason, Rimmer and Lister have become partners in crime. They’re in trouble with Hollister for playing a prank on Ackerman. Their punishment is to play a game of basketball against the guards, for some reason. In order to rig the game, they spike the guards’ half-time drinks with Viagra. This gets them into trouble with Hollister. Their punishment is to peel potatoes. Meanwhile, Kryten, Cat and Kochanski are on Canary duty when they find a Time Wand, a device capable of pausing and manipulating time. They smuggle it back to Red Dwarf. Meanwhile, Bob the Skutter provides Lister and Rimmer with a virus programmed to eat potato skins, to aid their peeling duty. For some reason, it also eats all their clothes and hair. This gets them into trouble with Hollister. Their punishment is two months in The Hole. There, they meet Birdman and his pet sparrow Pete. Bob breaks them out, and they discover that the crew have been frozen in time. They meet up with the others in the cargo bay. Pete the sparrow dies, but when Kryten uses the time wand on him, he turns into a big fucking T-Rex.

GUEST CAST: Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Andrew Alston (Mex), Holly Earl (Young Kochanski), Perri Michael (Young Cat), Ricky Grover (Baxter), Ian Masters (Birdman), Shend (Warden Knot)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 60th of 61 overall. 7th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis

7. Pete (Part Two)

First Broadcast: Thursday 1st April 1999

IN BRIEF: A dinosaur eats some food and shits everywhere.

SYNOPSIS: The crew run away from the dinosaur, but in the process it eats both Bob and the time wand. They attempt to speed up Pete’s excretion process by giving him a big curry. This gets them in trouble with Hollister. He has retrieved the time wand, and for some reason entrusts Lister and Rimmer with the duty of using it to turn Pete back into a sparrow. They gather a team together, but Baxter and Kill Crazy want to fight the dinosaur rather than use the time wand. They zap Lister and Rimmer to no avail, so start beating the shit out of them instead, but this has no effect. They run off with the time wand. This gets Rimmer and Lister into trouble with Hollister. The delayed effects of the fight take hold in Hollister’s office. This inexplicably gets them into trouble with Hollister. They retrieve the time wand once more, use it to turn Pete back to normal, then destroy it for no particular reason. They then discover that Pete has somehow laid an egg. The baby dinosaur breaks loose and licks Hollister’s back. This gets Rimmer and Lister into trouble with Hollister. Oh, and also something about Kryten having a fake penis.

GUEST CAST: Ian Masters (Birdman), Jake Wood (Kill Crazy), Ricky Grover (Baxter)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: What do you think?

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis

8. Only The Good…

First Broadcast: Monday 5th April 1999

IN BRIEF: The Cat bags himself a prison bitch.

SYNOPSIS: Rimmer is on probation, working for Captain Hollister, who’s recovering from yellow fever. He cheers himself up by stealing a choccy nut bar, making an enemy of the vending machine he nicked it from. Meanwhile, Lister pranks Kryten by giving him inaccurate information about the female menstrual cycle. He takes his revenge by hiding Baxter’s illegal hooch in Lister and Rimmer’s cell, minutes before an inspection. They drink all the booze and wind up in hospital. Baxter is out to get our heroes, so for their own protection they each make sure they wind up in hospital too. They plan to escape from the ship, but discover that a corrosive chameleonic microbe is on board. The inform the authorities, who promptly abandon ship and leave them to die. Kryten creates a mirror universe in order to discover an antidote. Rimmer goes through and gets the formula from a clever version of the Cat. But he returns to find the ship deserted and rapidly decaying. Furthermore, as the vending machine from earlier points out, the formula won’t even work. Rimmer falls to his death and is visited by the Grim Reaper, who he then whacks in the non-existent balls. None of this is ever spoken of again.

GUEST CAST: Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Heidi Monsen (Talia), Tony Slattery (Vending Machine), Ricky Grover (Baxter), David Verrey (Big Meat)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 58th of 61 overall. 5th of 8 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all.

Back to Earth

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor
DIRECTOR: Doug Naylor
PRODUCERS: Jo Howard, Helen Norman
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Charles Armitage, Doug Naylor
CHANNEL: Dave
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions

1. Back To Earth (Part One)

First Broadcast: Friday 10th April 2009

IN BRIEF: Lister eats a tomato and sneezes.

SYNOPSIS: Nine years later, Lister is at a low ebb following the death of Kochanski. Cat discovers that there’s a giant squid in one of the water tanks, so they go to investigate, tangle with the squid and all get covered in ink. After the confrontation, the squid disappears to another dimension, leaving behind only a tentacle.  Shortly afterwards a hologram called Katerina Bartikovsky appears. She was a science officer on Red Dwarf, and assumes command from Rimmer. She’s determined to help Lister to restart the human race, and deems Rimmer surplus to requirements, giving him 24 hours’ notice of his termination. She uses the squid’s tentacle to build a dimension-cutting device, allowing Lister to travel to another dimension and bring back a mate. The device is activated and a wormhole opens up.

GUEST CAST: Sophie Winkleman (Katerina)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 53rd of 61 overall. 3rd of 3 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Discussion thread, Instant Reaction DwarfCast, DwarfCast Commentary (Director’s Cut)

2. Back To Earth (Part Two)

First Broadcast: Saturday 11th April 2009

IN BRIEF: Rimmer murders a fellow hologram.

SYNOPSIS: The crew are sucked through the wormhole into a department store in a parallel dimension. All the screens in the TV department show a trailer for the forthcoming return of Red Dwarf, a fondly-remembered sci-fi comedy show from the 1990s. The crew figure out that they are merely fictional characters from a TV show, which is confirmed when they find a DVD of Red Dwarf: Back To Earth, the synopsis of which tells them they must track down their creator to plead for more life. They head to a comic book shop to look for clues. By enhancing a photo from a Red Dwarf convention, they find the address of a prop maker called Swallow that worked on the show. They take a bus, where Lister meets two young fans, who share their theory that Kochanski is still alive. They get off the bus, Rimmer murders Katerina, then they head to meet Swallow. He doesn’t have contact with the Creator, but he knows a man who does. He gives them instructions, along with the keys to the Red Dwarf Fan Club president’s car – a Smart car customised to look like Starbug. The crew set off in Carbug and pull up on the cobbles of Coronation Street.

GUEST CAST: Sophie Winkleman (Katerina), Tom Andrews (Salesman), Karen Admiral (Woman), Jon Glover (Man), Jeremy Swift (Noddy), Julian Ryder (Bus Driver), Charlie Kenyon (Boy On The Bus), Nina Southworth (Girl On The Bus), Richard Woo (Swallow)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 52nd of 61 overall. 2nd of 3 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Discussion thread, Instant Reaction DwarfCast, DwarfCast Commentary (Director’s Cut)

3. Back To Earth (Part Three)

First Broadcast: Sunday 12th April 2009

IN BRIEF: Craig Charles goes back to the Priory.

SYNOPSIS: The crew search Coronation Street for Craig Charles. Michelle Keegan directs them to the Rovers, while Simon Gregson warns Craig of their arrival. Craig is happy to see what he presumes to be his fellow actors playing dress-up, until Lister walks in. He gives them the Creator’s address, then goes back to rehab. They find him in the Tyrell Building from Blade Runner and Lister ends up killing him. The crew realise that they’ve regained control of their own destiny, and feel joyful. Then they realise that this isn’t real – it’s an hallucination brought on by the squid. Lister wants to stay in his ink-induced coma, even though it will kill him, so that he can be with Kochanski. Kryten confesses that Kochanski isn’t really dead, but when she walks through the door, Lister is determined to stay. But as they drive off into the sunset, he’s buoyed by the words of his young fans from Part Two, and heads back to reality to win the real Kochanski back.

GUEST CAST: Simon Gregson (Himself), Michelle Keegan (Herself), Richard O’Callaghan (Creator), Chloe Annett (Kochanski)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 49th of 61 overall. 1st of 3 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Discussion thread, Instant Reaction DwarfCast, DwarfCast Commentary (Director’s Cut)

Series X

STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor
DIRECTOR: Doug Naylor
CO-PRODUCER: Richard Naylor
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Charles Armitage, Doug Naylor
CHANNEL: Dave
PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions

1. Trojan

First Broadcast: Thursday 4th October 2012

IN BRIEF: Rimmer is delighted by the death of his brother.

SYNOPSIS: Lister tries to order a tea-stirring machine from a shopping channel, but is put on hold. Meanwhile, the scouters have located a derelict, the Trojan. The crew board it, and receive a distress call from Rimmer’s brother, Howard. Rimmer is dreading seeing his more successful brother, so delays their reunion until he can pass his exams and become an officer. Frustrated by his lack of progress, he has a fit of pique and starts beachballing. His system was clogged with resentment, and needed to be drained. Having run out of time to become an officer, Rimmer elects to simply pretend that he’s the captain of the Trojan, and invites Howard on board to meet his crew, Flight Co-Ordinator Kryten Krytinkski, Navigation Officer Gerald Hampton and Flight Commander David Listerton-Smythe. Howard is so impressed that he has a resentment attack of his own. Once revived, he confesses that he’s not really an officer after all, and is in fact in a vending machine repairman. His crew were all wiped out in a surprise attack, and it turns out that his companion Sim Crawford did it. She holds everybody hostage, and tells them not to move. But Lister’s shopping channel call finally connects, and he reaches for the phone. She shoots, and Howard jumps in the way of Arnold to take the laser fire. Cat jabs Howard’s resentment file into Crawford’s USB port, which causes her to beachball. Howard dies, Rimmer gloats and the shopping channel hang up.

GUEST CAST: Mark Dexter (Howard Rimmer), Susan Earl (Sim Crawford), Lucy Newman-Williams (All Droid Jayne), Bryan Bounds (All Droid Bob), Laurence Bouvard, Rupert Degas, Bryan Bounds, Lucy Newman-Williams (All Droid Voices)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 30th of 61 overall. 2nd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary

2. Fathers & Suns

First Broadcast: Thursday 11th October 2012

IN BRIEF: A racial stereotype discusses racism.

SYNOPSIS: Lister receives a Father’s Day card from himself. Meanwhile, Kryten and Rimmer boot up a new mainframe computer, Pree, who uses advanced logic to predict what the crew members want her to do, and how they’ll respond. She helps a drunken Lister to create a video message for his “son”, urging him to buck his ideas up and sort his life out. He also resigned from the ship. As he’s no longer a crew member, Pree forces him into an airlock and flushes him into space. And as there are no longer any living crew members, Pree elects to destroy Red Dwarf by steering it into the nearest sun. The crew try to uninstall her, but she’s booby trapped the ship. Lister returns via the ram scoop, and remembers that he is a registered crew member after all, having previously registered his “son” as Dave Lister Jr. He convinces Pree that because he will eventually shut her down, she should save time by terminating herself straight away, and she promptly disappears in a puff of logic. Oh, and there’s all this other shit about Chinese Whispers, but let’s not get in to that.

GUEST CAST: Rebecca Blackstone (Pree), Kerry Shale (Medi-Bot & Taiwan Tony).

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 40th of 61 overall. 4th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary

3. Lemons

First Broadcast: Thursday 18th October 2012

IN BRIEF: Rimmer touches Jesus’s cock.

SYNOPSIS: The crew put together a self-assembly rejuvenation shower, designed to make the user younger. Instead, the crew are instead transported back in time, to England in 23AD. They have a remote control to reverse the process, but no battery. Rimmer remembers that batteries can be built with lemons and coppper, so they walk to India in search of lemons. They find the lemons, and also find Jesus. He’s on the run from some Romans, so the Dwarfers help him escape by bringing him back to the future. Back on the ship, Kryten diagnoses that Jesus is suffering from kidney stones. While recovering from the removal, Jesus learns of all the horrible things that will happen in his name, so returns to the past to prevent himself from founding Christianity. The crew head back to change his mind, and Lister ends up calling him a knob and getting into a scrap. But it turns out that this Geordie fellow is in fact Jesus of Caesarea, not Jesus of Nazareth. He lives happily ever after as the inventor of the bag.

GUEST CAST: Indira Joshi (Erin), James Baxter (Jesus), Nicholas Richards (Uncle Aaron), Tom Pepper (Man Who May Be Jesus & Judas), Hormuzd Todiwala (Waiter)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 38th of 61 overall. 3rd of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary

4. Entangled

First Broadcast: Thursday 25th October 2012

IN BRIEF: A woman dies, and Rimmer is disappointed because he doesn’t get to have sex with her.

SYNOPSIS: Kryten has been experimenting with the quantum rods from the Trojan, and it causes him and the Cat to become quantum entangled – speaking in unison and becoming influenced by situational coincidence. Meanwhile, Lister comes home after a night on the piss with some BEGGs, and reveals that he has lost Starbug and Rimmer in a poker game. They’ve fitted him with a groinal exploder, so that he can’t flee without paying his debt. The crew head down to the BEGG moon, and the BEGGs all choke to death, coincidentally at the same time as the crew keep saying the word “choke”. The crew use the power of coincidence to track down the makers of the groinal exploder – the Erroneous Reasoning Research Academy, manned by staff who are always wrong about things. They find a female life form in stasis and revive her, but it turns out to be a chimp. The chimp used to be a human, who accidentally got devolved, so they turn her back into a human. She can’t, however, remember how to disarm the bomb. Eventually, the crew figure out that because she’s always wrong, they should do the opposite of what she says, and Lister is saved. She later trips over some health and safety forms from a previously abandoned subplot, and falls out of an airlock.

GUEST CAST: Steven Wickham (Begg Chief), Peter Elliot (Chimp), Nik Williams, Jun Matsuura (Chimp Puppeteers), Sydney Stevenson (Professor Edgington), Emma Campbell-Jones (TV Character 1), Nick Barber (TV Character 2)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 44th of 61 overall. 5th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary

5. Dear Dave

First Broadcast: Thursday 1st November 2012

IN BRIEF: Lister solemnly fucks a vending machine.

SYNOPSIS: Lister is depressed about the extinction of the human race, and chats through his problems with Dispenser 23. Meanwhile, the JMC on-board computer wants to know why Rimmer hasn’t turned up for work in three million years. He intends to claim PTSD, so sets about compiling a report on all the ways Lister drives him nuts. Meanwhile, he then challenges Lister to seduce a vending machine. He tries it on with Dispenser 34, who is outraged and accuses him of groping her. Meanwhile, Kryten comes up with a plan to bribe the medical computer to sign Rimmer off sick. He’ll need to siphon off funds from elsewhere in the budget, so sets about removing all the toilet roll. Meanwhile, a post pod arrives. Lister finds a letter from an old girlfriend, Hayley Summers, informing him that she’d been having an affair, is pregnant, and will write to him again when she knows who the father is. Meanwhile, Lister has a row with Dispenser 23 about the earlier flirting/groping incident. They later make up, but while transporting her to another part of the corridor, Lister drops her, and inexplicably gets on top of her to lift her up. Meanwhile, the Cat has just done a big shit, and has a shitty arse. He wipes his shitty arse on Rimmer’s special report. Meanwhile, Lister finds Hayley’s second letter. It turns him into a misogynist.

GUEST CAST: Isla Ure (Dispensers 23 & 34)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 46th of 61 overall. 6th of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary

6. The Beginning

First Broadcast: Thursday 8th November 2012

IN BRIEF: Rimmer learns he’s an actual bastard.

SYNOPSIS: Three million years ago, a young Arnold Rimmer is humiliated by his college lecturer, Lecturer Rimmer. In the present day, the ship is attacked by Hogey the Roguey, who challenges the crew to a duel across time and space, but they’re having none of it. The ship is further attacked by annihilators from a simulant death ship. While a hull breach is plugged by Hogey’s arse, the crew use his molecular destabilising gun to reach Blue Midget, and flee to an asteroid belt. Rimmer is tasked with coming up with a battle plan, but fails to get beyond the timetabling stage. The Cat points out that his lack of aptitude all boils down to his relationship with this father, so Rimmer decides to play a video message that his father left him, with the instruction to play it when he became an officer. He learns that his former lecturer is not his real father – instead, his mother had been sleeping with the gardener. This gives Rimmer a new determination, and he comes up with a plan. Surrounded on all sides by simulants, he stalls for time before inciting them to all fire at once. Lister uses Hogey’s gun to punch holes in Blue Midget, causing the missiles to pass through and blow up the simulant ships instead. The slime goes home to Red Dwarf.

GUEST CAST: Richard O’Callaghan (Hogey the Roguey), Gary Cady (Dominator Zlurth), Alex Hardy (Chancellor Wednesday), Colin Hoult (Chancellor Thursday), Simon Treves (Lecturer Rimmer), Taylor James (Big Simulant Advisor), Philip Labey (Young Rimmer), Joanne Gale (Wendy)

SILVER SURVEY RANKING: 26th of 61 overall. 1st of 6 in series.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary

Missing Episodes

There have been several instances of Rob and/or Doug dropping episodes between the planning and production stages, for either budgetary or editorial reasons. There’s an out-dated summary here. Since that article was published, several unused scripts have come to life on DVD, performed by Chris Barrie, storyboarded by Neil Maguire and directed by Andrew Ellard. All of the below are written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor, except Identity Within which is by John McKay.

Identity Within

Series VII DVD (2005)

IN BRIEF: Cat kills a member of his own species on a whim.

SYNOPSIS: The Cat is ill. An evolutionary trait of his species is that the male is infected with a toxin, and the antidote can only be found in the female’s vagina. The crew search for a female cat, and trace one to a GELF planet populated by the Brfrweeno tribe, who eat cat people. Cat finds Ora, a female cat who was captured when her platoon was betrayed, and is to be sold at auction. She mocks his inability to rescue her, pouring scorn on his catty credentials. He blames Lister for domesticating him. When another attempted rescue fails, Lister hatches a plan to win enough money to buy Ora by cheating at pontoon. But he gets pissed, and loses Starbug to a GELF called Zural, who also has his eyes on Ora. Zural outbids the Cat at the auction and takes Ora, before Cat challenges him to a duel and wins. Zural reveals that he’s actually a cat person in disguise, and was the commander of Ora’s platoon. Cat kills Zural on a whim, deducing that he was the platoon’s traitor, despite the lack of any evidence. Ora falls in love with him, they fuck, then he dumps her.

Bodysnatcher

The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007)

IN BRIEF: Lister tries to shoot himself with a flare gun.

SYNOPSIS: Rimmer is failing to cope with his own death. One day, Lister wakes up to discover he’s gone completely bald. He thinks it’s fallen out, but it’s actually been shaved off in his sleep. The next night, he catches a skutter trying to remove his eyebrows. Rimmer is behind this, in an attempt to create an artificial body for himself. Lister’s not having any of it, and turns Rimmer off. He requests Kochanski’s hologram, but discovers that Rimmer has hidden all but two personality discs – his own, and Lister’s. Lister and Holo-Lister live together for a few days, but living with himself has driven Lister potty. He fires a flare gun as his hologrammatic self, setting fire to the bunk room. He searches for the fire extinguisher, but can’t find it – he needs Rimmer to tell him where it is, so gets Holly to bring him back. Rimmer tells him the fire extinguisher is in the fridge, as he’d previously alphabetised the room. With the fire out and Lister safe, the pair agree to put their differences aside.

Dad

The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007)

Originally intended to open Series III, the idea was abandoned before the script was completed.

SYNOPSIS: A heavily pregnant Lister is contending with engorged nipples and craving raw liver and banana pizza. When he goes into labour, Cat and Rimmer pace frantically while Kryten performs the operation. It’s a boy. Six weeks on, Rimmer is delighted to have a baby on board, but Lister is struggling to cope with the demands of parenthood. The baby doesn’t yet have a name, and when Rimmer suggests Lister names him after his father, he tells the story of how he was abandoned under a pool table. Then Rimmer tells his story about the Samaritans, and that’s as far as Rob and Doug got.

Infinity Patrol

The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007)

Adapted from an old Dave Hollins sketch.

SYNOPSIS: Two members of the mysterious Infinity Patrol arrive on board, and interrogate the crew about their origins. When Rimmer tells them they’re from the 22nd century, they ask if he knows a guy called Bill. He was from the 22nd century. Eventually, they explain that Infinity Patrol is an organisation that protects the human race by fixing paradoxes and providing technology advancement, such as the invention of deely-boppers.

Lister’s Father

The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007)

A scene cut from Timeslides at script stage.

SYNOPSIS: Lister goes back to the Aigburth Arms, and meets a man who looks similar to himself, but older. When Lister says he wants a word, the man is cagey, believing Lister to be an enforcer for some local gangster or other. Instead, he asks why he left him under a pool table. He explains that he couldn’t afford to have him aborted.

Rimmer’s Dummy

The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007)

A short, miscellaneous lost scene.

SYNOPSIS: Lister finds a six-breasted dummy in Rimmer’s locker, wearing three bras. It’s for practicing taking them off with one hand.

TV Specials

Things that feature the Red Dwarf characters, or that are about Red Dwarf, that have been on telly, but that aren’t episodes.

Comic Relief – Red Nose Day ’91

First Broadcast: Friday 15th March 1991 (BBC 1)

IN BRIEF: Yes, it is.

SYNOPSIS: For their first contribution to the BBC’s bi-annual comedy-themed telethon, our heroes convene on the set of DNA to appeal for donations. In unison, they say “give us your smegging money, you smegging smegheads”, then clap and stick out their left hands. This was later included as an Easter Egg on the Series IV DVD, as an unedited clip from the rushes, including a bit of a rehearsal and a floor manager getting slightly irate.

Comic Relief – Bohemian Rhapsody

First Broadcast: Friday 12th March 1993 (BBC 1)

IN BRIEF: The cast mime while everyone else sings.

SYNOPSIS: Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten (or Chris, Craig, Danny and Robert) sit in Starbug’s cockpit and mime along to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. This is intercut with people from other 1993 TV shows singing along, and there’d probably have been more Dwarf in the mix if they’d have got the memo. This was the first televised glimpse of the Series VI set and costumes. Also, Kryten’s nose is missing, having been pulled off by Craig, so Robert’s actual nose is painted red.

Over TV shows/personalities featured include: Birds of a Feather, Noel’s House Party, Going Live, Ian McGaskill, Fry and Laurie’s Jeeves & Wooster, Nicholas Witchell, Family Affairs, The Word, That’s Life, Drop The Dead Donkey, Patrick Moore, Trev & Simon, London’s Burning, Edd The Duck, Anne & Nick, Smashie & Nicey, BrooksideBlue Peter, Emmerdale, Robbie Coltrane, The Big Breakfast, Ruby Wax, Jill Dando, Jonathan Ross and Anne Robinson.

The Best Ever Red Dwarf

First Broadcast: 22nd December 1995 (BBC 2)

IN BRIEF: Lister likes curry.

SYNOPSIS: A survey was carried out to discover the nation’s favourite episode of Red Dwarf, of the 36 than had been broadcast thus far. The winner was repeated on BBC 2, with a special introduction from Craig as Lister. He’s pissed and in a Santa hat, reading the results of the poll off the back of a naan bread. 5th: Backwards. 4th: Polymorph, 3rd: Gunmen of the Apocalypse, 2nd: Quarantine… but Lister accidentally eats the relevant bit of naan bread before he gets to first place. Spoilers: it’s Back To Reality.

Red Dwarf Night

TV-NightFirst Broadcast: Saturday 14th February 1998 (BBC 2)

IN BRIEF: Patrick Stewart reads from an autocue.

SYNOPSIS: To celebrate the day before the tenth anniversary of Red Dwarf, BBC 2 dedicated a whole evening of programming to the show, at a time when the audience was still one that the BBC wanted to attract. The schedule consisted of Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg, Smeg Ups, Universe Challenge, Red Dwarf A-Z (more on all those below) and a repeat of Gunmen of the Apocalypse. There were also special links to introduce each programme, hosted by Patrick Stewart, cheerfully reading the script for the first time as it whizzed past his eyes in front of the camera lens. The whole thing was rounded off by a special set of BBC 2 symbols, telling the serialised story of a love affair between the ‘2’ logo and a skutter.

Can’t Smeg, Won’t Smeg

First Broadcast: Saturday 14th Februrary 1998 (BBC 2)

IN BRIEF: Lister eats the raw ingredients of a curry until he is sick.

SYNOPSIS: Ainsley Harriot beams on board Starbug to present a special edition of Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook. He explains that he was once a GELF, which raises some interesting questions about the nature of canonicity, then introduces the teams – Kryten and Lister vs Rimmer and Cat. However, Cat isn’t happy about being on a team with Rimmer, so he buggers off. Duane Dibbley is then inexplicably disovered in the waste disposal unit, and takes Cat’s place. Kochanski will be the taste tester, so she has to stand in the background looking nervous for twenty minutes. Ainsley guides the two teams through the production of a chicken curry with rice. During the process, Duane demonstrates remarkable prowess for chopping cucumbers, Kryten uses his groinal attachment to hoover up the mess, and Rimmer distracts Ainsley while Duane steals his rice. In the blind taste test, Kryten and Lister’s curry makes Kochanski throw up, so Rimmer and Duane are declared the winners.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary

The Smeg Ups

First Broadcast: Saturday 14th February 1998 (BBC 2)

IN BRIEF: Noel Edmonds is airbrushed from history.

SYNOPSIS: A collection of bloopers covering the first seven series of the show. All the fluffs had previously been seen on VHS (see below), but the programme featured a specially shot title sequence, with Lister falling off his harness whilst painting the ship, and a new set of links featuring Kryten, Lister and Rimmer. Having compiled half an hour’s worth of out-takes, the trio send the tape back in time to a place where nobody will watch it – Channel 5. The full-length-but-sans-claymation version of Tongue Tied plays us out.

Universe Challenge

First Broadcast: Saturday 14th February (BBC 2)

IN BRIEF: Danny John-Jules says his name and nothing else.

SYNOPSIS: Jeremy Paxman hosts another edition of popular TV quiz University Challenge. That is until Bamber Gascoigne shoots him with a bazookoid, and proceeds to host a Red Dwarf quiz between the cast and the fans. The teams are Robert Llewellyn, Danny John-Jules, Chris Barrie (captain), Chloe Annett and Craig Charles vs Daryl Ball, Kayleigh Nichols, Steev Rogers (captain), Pip Swallow and Sharon Burnett. As well as questions about Space Corps Directives, famous quotes and snogging, there’s a picture round based on identifying the cast’s baby photos, and a clips round featuring performances by the cast before the were famous. These include Danny in Scum, Chris impersonating Richie Benaud on The David Essex Showcase and Robert performing with The Joeys. In the end, (spoilers) the fans win 295-280, although through the magic of editing, the scores given bear little resemblance to the content of the show.

Red Dwarf A-Z

First Broadcast: Saturday 14th February 1998 (BBC 2)

IN BRIEF: Patrick Stewart threatens to call his lawyer.

SYNOPSIS: A talking-head/clip show, taking in 26 differently initialed aspects of Red Dwarf canon and fandom. A combination of cast/crew interviews, classic clips, convention footage, celebrity testimonials and little comedy sketches that don’t quite work. Contributors include Professor Stephen Hawking, Terry Pratchett, Sir Patrick Moore, Mr Blobby, Eternal, Garry Bushell and some Daleks. The origin of such elements of Red Dwarf folklore as Paul Jackson saying “don’t write sci-fi sit-coms”, Norman Lovett demanding his ball back, and Patrick Stewart reading a fictional story about lawyers.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Full breakdown

Children in Need

First Broadcast: 20th November 1998 (BBC 1)

IN BRIEF: Terry Wogan is mercilessly lampooned.

SYNOPSIS: On board Blue Midget, Holly shows the crew a three million year old broadcast he’s unearthed. It’s Terry Wogan and Gabby Roslin presenting the BBC’s annual telethon Children in Need. They take the piss out of Wogan for a bit, and are amazed at the size of 20th century cheques. They then decide to help out by recording their own appeal and sending it back in time. The crew feel good about themselves, so Rimmer decides to help out humanity even further by smashing Lister’s guitar.

This all takes place on the Series VIII version of Blue Midget, and so marks the first time that it was seen on screen. The cast are all wearing their costumes from Back In The Red (Part Three), except for Rimmer, who’s wearing his blue hard-light hologram uniform. As such, this sketch’s position in the continuity of the series is questionable at best.

Comedy Connections – Red Dwarf

First Broadcast: Monday 30th August 2004 (BBC 1)

IN BRIEF: Several cast members pour scorn on their non-Red Dwarf body of work.

SYNOPSIS: The eighth episode of the second series of the BBC 1 documentary strand, tracing the history of famous comedy shows, and that of its key contributors. Narrated by Julia Sawalha, with interviews from the core cast, along with Rob, Doug, Ed Bye and Paul Jackson. Features clips from: A Kick Up The Eighties, Carrott’s LibSpitting Image, Saturday Live, Wogan, Happy Families, Six Fifty-Five, The Corner House, I, Lovett, The Brittas Empire, Jonathan Creek, Maid Marian and her Merry Men, Scrapheap Challenge and Robot Wars. Oh, and Red Dwarf.

The Making of Back To Earth

First Broadcast: Sunday 12th April 2009 (Dave)

IN BRIEF: Helen Norman and Jo Howard perv over Danny’s arse.

SYNOPSIS: Shown immediately after the broadcast of Back To Earth (Part Three), this is a DVD-style documentary but on actual telly, and with the benefit of having been made simultaneously with the main production. We follow the cast and crew on location in Weatherfield, as well as seeing the green-screen techniques used for the studio sequences, the multitude of CGI work, and catch up with various members of the guest cast.

Narrated and directed by Andrew Ellard, shot and edited by Nathan Cubitt and featuring Chris, Craig, Danny, Robert, Dean Brooks, Howard Burden, Marc Cass, Simon Gregson, Jo Howard, Michelle Keegan, Alex Lemonis, Doug Naylor, Helen Norman, Steve Register, Mike Seymour, Sophie Winkleman and Richard Woo.

Video/DVD Specials

Every episode from the first eight series was released on VHS between 1991 and 1999, and again on DVD between 2002 and 2006. There’s also been several boxsets and re-releases, plus Back To Earth and Series X were made available on both DVD and Bluray soon after broadcast. However, this section concerns the various home video productions other than the regular series releases.

Tongue Tied: The Video

VHS, 1993

SYNOPSIS: Whist not an official Grant Naylor/BBC sanctioned release, it must be included here as it’s too awful to gloss over. A film studio cleaner called Leo Davis is working the night shift when a black cat comes in and makes itself at home. Together, they watch the latest episode of popular sci-fi sitcom Red Dwarf. Leo falls asleep, and is rudely awoken by his boss Mr Walker, who is showing a director called Andy De Byemmony and a model/actress called Kit around the studio. He is then visited by the spirit of Elvis Presley, who advises him that he can get the girl if he learns to sing. He promptly falls back to sleep, and dreams that he is The Cat, performing a new version of Tongue Tied, with a cast of backing dancers, the aforementioned Kit, and featuring cameos from Duane Dibbley, Lister, Jim Reaper (presumably), Elvis, both Hollies, Queeg and Rimmer’s disembodied head. He wakes up again, and is visited by Judge Dredd, who tells him to man up. They are then interrupted by the reggae artist Judge Dread, and the two Judges argue about naming rights. Leo is awoken by Mr Walker again, but this time manages to arrange a date with Kit. He is then visited by two Yardies, Mega and Screwface, who advise him to take her to a ragga dance.

The next day, Andy is directing a music video for the ragga artist Tabby Ranks, performing a remix of Tongue Tied. After the video wraps, Kit agrees to go boggling with Leo… but it was all a dream. Again. He is woken once more by Mr Walker et al. After taking the piss out of him for a while, they leave, but Kit comes back and invites him out for a rave. Mr Walker threatens to fire him, but Leo quits. Then a midget in a red t-shirt comes in and demands his cat back. Leo and Kit go for a night on the town, looking at cat-related things and dancing to a shit remix of Tongue Tied.

This is followed by a ten minute making of piece, introduced by Jane Killick uncomfortably trying to keep hold of a cat, and featuring lots of good pissing about between various members of the Red Dwarf cast. The credits roll over another shit remix.

Smeg Ups

VHS, 1994

SYNOPSIS: A collection of out-takes, taken mostly from Series IV-VI, and hosted by Robert Llewellyn as Kryten. The links are in the guise of black box recording, and also feature a competition to win a walk-on part in Series VII and The 10 Most Asked Questions About Red Dwarf. The tape also features the deleted original ending from Out of Time.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Article in defence of the tapes, DVD re-issue review, Links cut from the DVD.

Smeg Outs

VHS, 1995

SYNOPSIS: Another collection of out-takes, taken mostly from Series 1-III, and hosted by Robert Llewellyn as Kryten. This time, he’s also joined briefly by Craig Charles as Lister, and by Spare Head Three. As well as another competition (again offering a part in Series VII and also a date with Spare Head Three), and another run-down of The 10 Most Asked Questions About Red Dwarf, there’s also footage from Dimension Jump ’95, including Robert talking about Red Dwarf USA, Norman Lovett doing stand-up and Craig Charles humiliating a small child. Snippets of Tongue Tied are scattered throughout, and the tape ends with the full-length version of the video, with claymation inserts.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Article in defence of the tapes, DVD re-issue review, Links cut from the DVD.

Six of the Best

VHS/CD, 1997

SYNOPSIS: A lovely big red boxset, with a Starbug hologram on the spine. Inside, another Starbug hologram, and two tapes, containing an episode each from the first six series – Future Echoes, Queeg, Polymorph, Dimension Jump, Back To Reality and Gunmen of the Apocalypse. The highlight, though, is the bonus CD, featuring an exclusive and luxuriously long discussion between Rob Grant, Doug Naylor and Ed Bye, covering the episodes featured and the genesis of the show, along with plenty of behind-the-scenes anecdotes and discussion of contemporary reviews. The conversation was later chopped up and dotted across the first six DVD sets, with animated renditions of the participants (pictured).

Xtended

VHS, 1997

SYNOPSIS: Robert Llewellyn returns as Kryten once more to present another special video release. Three episodes from Series VII – Tikka To Ride, Ouroboros and Duct Soup – are presented in “Xtended” form, with deleted scenes reinstated, and no laugh track. Additionally, an extra scene was shot specially for the end of Tikka To Ride, in which Rimmer traps Lister in Starbug’s rear section and then detaches it from the rest of the ship. Also included are a selection of Smeg Ups from Series VII, and an extended version of the Rimmer Munchkin Song from Blue, with an extra final verse.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Xtended Revisited series

Re-Mastered

VHS, 1998

SYNOPSIS: As part of Red Dwarf‘s tenth anniversary celebrations, and with foreign sales in mind, Doug Naylor and Ed Bye set about reversioning the first three series of the show, to introduce a consistent look throughout. Unfortunately, that look was consistently shit. The video was treated with a film effect, and the original visual effects were replaced by new CGI. Norman Lovett was brought in to re-record some of his Holly lines, which were dropped in haphazardly thoughout. UK-centric references were removed or replaced, several scenes were cut or trimmed to keep the running time down, and some of Howard Goodall’s score was replaced by library music. Among the more egregious changes were the addition of an epilogue to Polymorph, the removal of the black card/white card sub-plot from Balance of Power and a skutter whizzing past camera towards the start of The End.

The episodes were all televised over the course of 1998 and 1999, and for a few years became the default version for repeat runs and clip shows. However, the majority of the episodes premiered on video, released on six tapes over the course of eight weeks in February-April 1998. The one good thing about the project was the cover art by Mark Wilkinson – six individual designs that linked up to form an image across the spines. Despite the videos promising that Series IV-VI Re-Mastered would be coming soon, the project was thankfully shelved.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Low & High: Remastered, Ancient article listing our grievances, List of changes made to The End, Re-Mastered Drinking Game, Defence of Re-Mastered by guest Gavin Hodgson, White Hole Re-Mastered

Beat The Geek

DVD, 2006

SYNOPSIS: An interactive DVD game (remember those?) in the form of a Red Dwarf quiz. Featuring some lovely graphics, most of which were originally menus from the main DVD range, and a huge number of links from Norman Lovett and Hattie Hayridge as the two Hollies. Playing alone, against a friend or in teams, the viewer first selects a difficulty level – “Viewer” for casual fans, “Geek” for the likes of us, or “General Knowledge”, for people with no interest in Red Dwarf whatsoever. Questions range from multiple-choice trivia, picture rounds, observation rounds featuring clips from the show, and a game involving putting stills from an episode in the order they appear. Throughout, one or more of the Hollies will congratulate you for right answers and admonish you for wrong ones, sometimes with the inclusion of silly hats or wigs.

A noble effort, and the Holly links are very good, but the very nature of interactive DVD games makes for a frustrating experience. Also included are a selection of Dwarf themed remote-bashing mini-games, but these too suffer from the constraints of the medium. Also included for purchasers, however, was access to Geek Chase, an online treasure hunt game that was arguably the best thing about the project. Players hunt for clues across a tonne of specially made websites, designed and written to be part of the Red Dwarf universe, with a £5,000 grand prize. With clever tricks like hiding clues in the source code, and websites that only became active at certain times of the day, it really was a lot of fun, and can still be accessed here.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Playalong/Review, Written Review

The Bodysnatcher Collection

DVD, 2007

SYNOPSIS: Following the release of Series VIII on DVD in 2006, the only major thing left to be issued on shiny disc was the Re-Mastered series. Excellently, Grant Naylor Productions used the release as an excuse to do all the things they weren’t able to do over the course of the main DVD range, such as making full episode-by-episode documentaries for Series 1 and 2 – a feature that had only started with Series III. More and more extras were added, to the extent that the Re-Mastered element was entirely brushed to one side with the announcement of Bodysnatcher, a production of a long-lost script from Series 1, after which the box-set was eventually renamed. Other bonus bits and bobs included commentaries from Rob Grant, Doug Naylor and Ed Bye, a documentary on the Re-Mastered project and The End: The Original Assembly (pictured) – a re-edit of the first episode composed purely from footage shot as part of the initial studio recording.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Review

Just The Smegs

DVD, 2007

SYNOPSIS: As a companion to the Just The Shows range of re-releases – which funnily enough contained just the shows, and not the extras – this was a DVD re-issue of both Smeg Ups and Smeg Outs. Also included are the collection of Series VII Smeg Ups from Xtended, and a set of Smeg Ups from Series VIII, initially released as extras on the original VHS release of the series. Unfortunately, a few links were cut from the original VHS versions, mostly concerning competitions and merchandise details that had long since expired.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Extensive review, Article in defence of the original tapes, Links cut from the DVD.

Red Dwarf USA

In 1992, Universal Studios created a pilot for an American adaptation of Red Dwarf, for NBC. Rob Grant and Doug Naylor were flown to Hollywood to contribute, as were make-up artist Andrea Pennell and Robert Llewellyn, the only actor from the British series to reprise his role (Chris Barrie was approached, but declined). The pilot was never broadcast, largely due to it being rubbish. When this became clear, Rob and Doug took charge of a second “pilot”, which was more of a sizzle reel than a fully-fledged story, with a slightly different cast and some recycled British material. Nothing came of it.

For far far more information, see the Dwarfin’ USA documentary on the Series V DVD – the definitive account of the whole sorry mess. Here, however, we’re going to go through the two end products.

First Pilot

STARRING: Craig Bierko (Lister), Chris Eigeman (Rimmer), Jane Leeves (Holly), Hinton Battle (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

WRITTEN BY: Linwood Boomer
DIRECTOR: Jeff Melman
PRODUCER: Todd Stevens
CREATIVE CONSULTANTS: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Linwood Boomer

IN BRIEF: A hologram talks directly to camera about wanking.

SYNOPSIS: Following a Backwards-style scroll and a horrible theme tune, Holly presents a welcome message to new recruits joining Red Dwarf, running through the various facilities on board and introducing First Officer Munson, a hologram. Among the new recruits are Kryten, who, much to the annoyance of Spare Head One, is lost. Meanwhile Lister and Rimmer, two chicken soup machine repairmen bicker about whether or not the latter will pass his exam. Kryten comes over to ask for help, and gets chatting to Lister. He’s distracted by the arrival of his girlfriend Kochanski, who promptly dumps him due to his lack of motivation and commitment.

Later, Captain Tau announces that Holly has identified an unquarantined animal on board. It’s Lister’s pet cat, the heavily pregnant Frankenstein. He persuades Kryten to hide her somewhere she can’t be detected. While Rimmer goes off to take his astro-navigation exam, Lister is summoned to the drive room, after being captured on CCTV handing the cat to Kryten. The captain orders Kryten to tell her where the cat is, but he rebels and consequently his head explodes. Lister is given an ultimatum – hand over the cat or go into stasis. He chooses the latter. As he enters the booth, Kochanski tells him she loves him. He demands to be let out, but it’s too late.

Just under three millions years later, Lister wakes up to find that everyone is dead. Holly explains that there was a radiation leak and then activates Rimmer’s hologram. Holly then detects a non-human life-form on board the ship. The pair check it out, finding Kryten on the way. He’s spent three million years as a head on a shelf, re-reading a fire exit sign. They head to the cargo hold, and find a creature evolved from Frankenstein. The newly-established crew head to the drive room. Lister’s depressed and angry about the situation, but is buoyed by the sudden appearance of visitors from the future – Lister, Kryten, Cat and Kochanski. They have an important message, but spend too much time blabbing and disappear before they can deliver it. However, the promise of a future with Kochanski gives Lister the motivation to keep himself alive and get back home.

There’s then a little video log from Holly, giving an update on the mission with lots of clips from the British show, previewing possible forthcoming adventures. We see Starbug flying action from Backwards and Camille, the Vindaloo Beast from DNA, Kryten meeting Camille, the planet pool sequence from White Hole, the Simulant from Justice, Hudzen 10, and finally more from the Vindaloo Beast.

GUEST CAST: Lorraine Toussant (Captain Tau), Elizabeth Morehead (Christine), Michael Heintzman (Munson)

Second Pilot

STARRING: Craig Bierko (Lister), Anthony Fuscle (Rimmer), Jane Leeves (Holly), Terry Farrell (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten)

IN BRIEF: The Cat is a woman now.

SYNOPSIS: A caption informs us of the existence of the British version of Red Dwarf, followed by the Series V title sequence and a trimmed-down version of Kryten, Lister and Cat finding Rimmer in Terrorform. A further caption introduces us to the concept of Red Dwarf USA. Lister and Rimmer are in their bunkroom. They discuss the possibility of sleeping with Wilma Flintstone. Cut to a black box recording of Lister, explaining that the crew are dead and he’s three million years from home. He shows us Rimmer’s hologram being activated, then introduces Holly, and we see her explaining more about the accident. Next, Kryten, and the “old android saying” clip from Terrorform.

Lister then explains the Cat’s evolution, and we see footage of her prowling around. We see Cat and Lister hunting down an armour-plated killing machine. He’s scared, and she is not, because she literally has nine lives. The pair discuss relationships for a bit. Back to the black box recording, Lister starts to explain their mission to get back to Earth, only to be interrupted by Rimmer, who tells him that it’s not recording and that he needs to press the button and start over. The recording stops, then resumes with Lister and Rimmer satisfied at a job well done.

We then see teasers of “future episodes”. First Marooned, with the Starbug crash from the original and a re-recording of the initial food discussion, leading in to Rimmer and Lister both revealing how they lost their respective virginities. Then Camille, with the full scene of Kryten and Camille’s introduction from the original version. Then Shutdown, a new scene in which Lister, Cat and Rimmer track a possible alien encounter. Rimmer wants to retreat and supervise the mission from afar, whereas Cat wants to take them on single-handedly. Rimmer then spots a missile heading towards the ship. As they brace for impact, we cut to a caption: “Red Dwarf Coming Soon To A Reality Near You”. Spoilers: it wasn’t.

The Radio Show

In 1995, the talking book of the first Red Dwarf novel, read by Chris Barrie, was adapted for radio, and broadcast in six parts on the BBC World Service. A further six episodes, based on the second novel, followed in 1996. They were essentially the adbridged versions of the audiobooks, but with music and sound effects to create a more immersive, dramatic listening experience. The shows were released on cassette soon after broadcast, and reissued on CD and download as part of the 20th anniversary celebrations in 2008.

Incidentally, both abridged and unabridged versions of Chris Barrie’s reading of the first two novels were released on cassette in the 90s. For the subsequent two novels, only abridged versions were produced, with Last Human read by Craig Charles and Backwards by Rob Grant himself. It’s fair to say that neither of them are as good at voice acting as Chris Barrie.

Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers

Episode 1: A raucous birthday bar crawl leads Dave Lister to a moon of Saturn and a fateful meeting.

Episode 2: Now a lowly technician on a spaceship, and five years from Earth, Dave Lister is in love.

Episode 3: Lister goes into stasis. Rimmer fails an exam. The rest of the crew have a bad day too.

Episode 4: The crew gain two new recruits. Namely, a vain feline descendant and a neurotic mechanoid.

Episode 5: The prospect of female company spurs on a rescue mission from Dave Lister and crewmates.

Episode 6: Dave Lister and the crew get answers they don’t want, to questions they’re afraid to ask.

Better Than Life

Episode 1: Lister, Cat and Rimmer waste away in a computer fantasy. Can mechanoid Kryten rescue them?

Episode 2: Holly and Talkie Toaster strike up a relationship and Rimmer’s mind ruins it for everyone.

Episode 3: Rimmer makes a daring jailbreak in a woman’s body, and Holly makes a timely discovery.

Episode 4: Lister’s recovery is interrupted by a game of planetary snooker and a shocking revelation.

Episode 5: Lister awaits rescue. And waits. And waits. Back on the ship, however, time behaves oddly.

Episode 6: Rimmer and Cat mount a rescue mission. Could a black hole answer all their problems?

Mobisodes

In 2007, Red Dwarf launched a short-lived mobile service, the centrepiece of which was a series of short animations, taking the audio from classic scenes and replacing the video with really horrible animation. So far so unremarkable, but there was also a two-part original story, serving as a Christmas special. Written by Doug Naylor, and starring Robert Llewellyn as Kryten and Chris Barrie as everyone else. Below is a complete list of mobisodes, and below that a synopsis for each part of Red Christmas.

  • Red Alert (from Legion)
  • Lemming Sunday (from The Last Day)
  • Art College (from Kryten)
  • Cat’s Purrfect Mate (from Camille)
  • Rimmer’s Trial (from Justice)
  • Shutdown (from White Hole)
  • Skutter Pipe (from Pete (Part One))
  • Double Rimmer Part 1 (from Future Echoes)
  • Double Rimmer Part 2 (from Future Echoes)
  • Red Christmas Part 1
  • Red Christmas Part 2
  • Skutter Fight (from Bodysnatcher)
  • Everybody’s Dead (from The End)
  • Peanuts (from Legion)
  • What Is it? (from Stasis Leak)
  • Smeg Head (from Camille)
  • Wilma Flintstone (from Backwards)
  • Toaster (from White Hole)
  • Duane Dibbley (from Emohawk – Polymorph II)
  • Lister Plays Guitar (from Psirens)
  • Lister’s Shrinking Pants (from Polymorph)
  • First French Kiss (from The Last Day)
  • Dog’s Milk (from Kryten)

Red Christmas Part 1

SYNOPSIS: Father Christmas and his reindeer head towards Red Dwarf. He makes his way on board, triggering an intruder alert. From the description of a red figure with a bulging sack, Rimmer is convinced that it’s aliens, while Kryten consults the “who’s just sneaked on board computer” which identifies that there’s also hooved creatures on the “roof” of the ship. They’re both terrified. To be continued.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Review of both parts

Red Christmas Part 2

SYNOPSIS: Kryten suggests they flush the intruder out into space. When they do so, Kryten identifies him as Father Christmas. To make up for their faux pas, they invite the reindeer on board for a party while Father Christmas floats helplessly outside. They play charades, with Father Christmas correctly identifying Rudolph’s mime for Armageddon. That’s literally it.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Review of both parts

DVD Extras

The Red Dwarf DVD range was ludicrously comprehensive – barring a few exceptions for rights reasons, pretty much everything listed above is included, along with numerous other archival treats, such as deleted scenes, Smeg Ups, raw effects footage, isolated music cues, trailers, continuity, talking book extracts, Son of Cliché sketches and musical “featurettes”, comprising clips from the show set to pop songs. So below, we’re listing all the extra special special extras – things that have been specially shot or recorded for DVD.

Series 1 (2002)

Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Norman Lovett, across all six episodes.

Launching Red Dwarf (pictured) – Documentary covering the development, commissioning and production of Series 1. A mixture of brand new interviews and unused footage from Red Dwarf A-Z. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Norman Lovett, Paul Jackson, Doug Naylor and Peter Ridsdale-Scott.

Series 2 (2003)

Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Norman Lovett, across all six episodes.

Doug Naylor Interview – Andrew Ellard quizzes Doug on the early days of Red Dwarf, and Series 2 in particular.

Series III (2003)

Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Hattie Hayridge across all six episodes.

All Change – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series III, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Hattie Hayridge, Mike Agnew, Howard Burden, Ed Bye, Tony Hawks, Gordon Kennedy, Doug Naylor and Peter Wragg.

Hattie’s DJ Diary (pictured) – A video diary by Hattie Hayridge at Dimension Jump X, held in Coventry in 2003. Contains distressing scenes of Paul Gannon.

Building A Better Universe – A tribute to late set designer Mel Bibby. Featuring Craig Charles, Ed Bye, Howard Burden, Chris Barrie, Robert Llewellyn, Danny John-Jules, Doug Naylor, Peter Wragg, Hattie Hayridge, and rare archive footage of Mel himself.

Making of the Starbug Toy – An Easter Egg, providing a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the ill-fated Starbug Playset toy.

Series IV (2004)

Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Hattie Hayridge across all six episodes.

Build To Last – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series IV, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Hattie Hayridge, Howard Burden, Ed Bye, Andrea Finch, Tony Hawks, Doug Naylor and Peter Wragg.

Ace Rimmer – A Life In Lamé – Hattie Hayridge stars as Holly in a look back at Ace Rimmer’s life through classic clips, with links written by Andrew Ellard.

Easter Egg Easter egg – During the commentary recording, the cast find an Easter Egg under Danny’s hat, then eat it.

Series V (2004)

Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Hattie Hayridge across all six episodes. Craig Charles was ill.

Fan Commentary – Jason Mercer, Simon Wigg, Claire Thompson and Ruth Latchford talk over Back To Reality, moderated by Andrew Ellard.

Heavy Science – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series V, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Hattie Hayridge, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Howard Burden, Jack Docherty, Juliet May, Doug Naylor, Mike Tucker and Kerry Waddell.

Dwarfing USA (pictured) – Stupendous documentary covering the ill-fated American pilot, comprising interviews and real, actual clips from the real, actual first pilot. Predominantly featuring Doug Naylor and Robert Llewellyn, and also Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Hattie Hayridge and Chris Barrie.

The SFX of Red Dwarf V – Behind-the-scenes footage from the visual effects department, with brand new commentary from Mike Tucker.

Commentary Booth Egg – Shot during the Series VI commentary session, featuring the cast and Mr Flibble in an Alien parody.

The Accent Question – An extra bit of Red Dwarf USA chat from Robert and Doug, speculating on whether Jane Leeves’s accent in Frasier was inspired by Rob and Doug.

Series VI (2005)

Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Robert Llewellyn across all six episodes.

Fan Commentary – Cleo Peacock, Mandi Neary, Keir Shiels and Steve Harris talk over Gunmen of the Apocalypse, moderated by Andrew Ellard.

The Starbuggers – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series VI, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Howard Burden, Andy DeEmmony, Doug Naylor, Mike Tucker, Kerry Waddell and Steven Wickham.

Howard Goodall – Settling The Score – Interview with Howard Goodall, discussing, performing and analysing a large selection of his Red Dwarf compositions.

Return to Laredo – Robert Llewellyn heads back to the location for Gunmen of the Apocalypse, to reminisce about filming and catch up with the locals.

The Memory Man – Easter egg out-takes from the documentary interviews, featuring Danny John-Jules failing to remember anything.

Series VII (2005)

Tikka To Ride: Re-Mastered (pictured) – Brand new CGI effects added to the episode, created by original artist Chris Veale.

Cast Commentary – Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Chloe Annett across all episodes, with Chris Barrie on the first six, and Norman Lovett on the last one.

Fan Films – Doug Naylor introduces the two winners of the Red Dwarf Fan Film Competition – Attack of Giant Hand Monster by James Hickey, and The Movie: Yeah, No, Yeah, No by some cunt.

Back From The Dead – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series VII, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chloe Annett, Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Norman Lovett, Paul Alexander, Jo Bennett, Howard Burden, Ed Bye, Nicky Leatherbarrow, Gary Martin, Doug Naylor, Mike Tucker, Peter Tyler and Chris Veale.

Movie Style Trailer – Easter Egg, spoofing Hollywood blockbuster trailers with Red Dwarf clips, voiced by Gary Martin.

Series VIII (2006)

Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Chloe Annett and Norman Lovett across all episodes, and Mac McDonald on all of them but Krytie TV.

The Tank – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series VII, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chloe Annett, Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Norman Lovett, Mac McDonald, Paul Alexander, Jo Bennett, Howard Burden, Ed Bye, David Gillespie, Graham McTavish, Doug Naylor, Bill Pearson and Chris Veale.

Super Models – Bill Pearson discusses his various contributions to Red Dwarf to date, with commentary over archive clips and stills.

Interview Outtakes – An easter egg, with various cock-ups from the documentary interviews for Series VII and VIII.

The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007)

The Beginning (pictured) – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series 1, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Norman Lovett, Andy Bowman, Ed Bye, Lee Cornes, Dona DiStefano, Rob Grant, Paul Jackson, John Lenahan, Mac McDonald, Paul Montague, Doug Naylor, John Pomphrey and Peter Tyler.

It’s Cold Outside – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series 2, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Norman Lovett, Mike Agnew, Andy Bowman, Ed Bye, Dona Distefano, Rob Grant, Hattie Hayridge, Paul Jackson, Mac McDonald, Paul Montague, Doug Naylor, John Pomphrey and David Ross.

Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Commentary – The pair commentate on Bodysnatcher, The End: The Original Assembly and The Most Embarrassing Interview In The Universe Ever (an archive clip of the duo being interviewed by Alan Titchmarsh on Pebble Mill).

Crew Commentary – Ed Bye, Mark Wybourn, Jem Whippey and Chris Veale discuss the Re-Mastering process on The End.

Writer/Director Commentary – Doug Naylor and Ed Bye across Me², Kryten, Better Than Life, Polymorph and Bodyswap.

“What’s Different?” Text Track – Production subtitles across the three Re-Mastered series, detailing the changes made to the originals, and also a lot of pissing about.

Re-Dwarf – Documentary covering the Re-Mastered project, narrated by Andrew Ellard. Featuring Ed Bye, Doug Naylor, Mike Tucker, Jem Whippey, Mark Wybourn, Chris Veale and Norman Lovett.

8mm Film Reel Archive behind-the-scenes visual effects footage, with new commentary by Peter Tyler.

Rob & Doug Easter Egg – An out-take from the commentary session, with Grant & Naylor discussing Spitting Image.

Back To Earth (2009)

Doug Naylor Commentary – The writer/director discusses the Director’s Cut edition, and also the deleted scenes.

Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Robert Llewellyn, across all episodes.

The Making of Back To Earth: Part Two – Companion piece to the broadcast documentary, going in to far more depth on the production of the mini-series. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Chloe Annett, Richard O’Callaghan, Jeremy Swift, Sophie Winkleman, Karen Admiral, Nick Ames, Tom Andrews, Sabina Browne, Howard Burden, Vikki Dale, Jon Glover, Jo Howard, Charlie Kenyon, Karen Krizanovich, Alex Lemonis, Andy Martin, Doug Naylor, Becky Page, Antony Parnell, Phil Reeves, Mike Seymour, Nina Southworth and Dean Thrussell.

The SFX of Back To Earth – Mike Seymour gives a presentation on his work on the show.

Back To Earth Premiere – Report from the Back To Earth launch event in Berkeley Square, with vox pops from the fans, followed by red carpet interviews with Doug Naylor, Robert Llewellyn, Danny John-Jules, Chris Barrie and celebrity fans Terry Pratchett and Steve Furst.

Cast Signing Session (pictured) – Chit-chat between Chris, Craig, Robert and Danny as they sign a huge number of autographs on Back To Earth promotional material.

Extra Behind The Scenes Footage – Easter egg in which Danny John-Jules wanders off during filming.

Series X (2012)

We’re Smegged – Ludicrously comprehensive and honest documentary on the making of Series X, made contemporaneously with the series. Features sections for each episode, a further section on the model effects, and an introduction focusing on the studio audience, set design, scheduling, costumes, and the camera setup. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Nick Ames, Charles Armitage, James Baxter, Rebecca Blackstone, Howard Burden, Gary Cady, Mark Dexter, Susan Earl, Peter Elliot, Neil Ellis, Michel Fabien-Jones, Greyham Feehily, Alex Hardy, Steve Howarth, Wyn Jenkins, Philip Labey, Andy Martin, Doug Naylor, Richard Naylor, Jim Imber, Richard O’Callaghan, Ray Peacock, Bill Pearson, Tom Price, Neil Purcell, Michael Ralph, PJ Simons, Sydney Stevenson, Siggy Stone, Peter Talbot, Alex Taylor, Deane Thrussell, Simon Treves, Steven Wickham and Peter Wolf.

ELSEWHERE ON G&T: High & Low: DVD Extras


Have we missed anything? Leave your suggestions, corrections or general abuse in the comments section below.

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49 Responses to Red Dwarf: The Complete Guide To Almost Everything

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  1. The in-brief synopses have just made me laugh out loud in a bus. Congratualtions.

  2. I like the fact that your original attempt at capsules assigned “Only the Good…” with the code H8.

  3. IN BRIEF: Lister has a really elaborate wank.

    I lost it here, for the record.

    Also, I don’t wanna be that guy but in Tongue Tied: The Video, “Leo and Cat go for a night on the town” should be Leo and Kit, unless there’s a version I haven’t seen where DJJ dates himself.

    All in all, a fantastic post. I expect the XI and XII guides on my desk no later than 2029.

  4. G&T Admin

    Cheers Brayds, all corrections are welcome!

  5. …And, of course…. all the books. ;)

  6. …And the Smegazines…. Jesus, did you even READ the Encyclopedia? =P

  7. G&T Admin

    Ooh, good shout on the first two. They’ll get added.

    Books and Smegazines deliberately omitted. There may be a separate guide for that sort of thing, at some point.

  8. Ooh, good shout on the first two. They’ll get added.

    Books and Smegazines deliberately omitted. There may be a separate guide for that sort of thing, at some point.

    I figured as much, couldn’t miss out on a snarky comment though.

  9. My Top 3 favourite “In Brief” that made me laugh.

    1. Elaborate wank
    2. Soon relinquishes her life
    3. Joint tie of Rimmer Prick & Rimmer Bastard. (I’m hoping XI or XII has the Rimmer twat episode in brief in it to complete a trilogy)

    Tikka to ride. in reply to ” (somehow) use the time drive to go back and get curry “. The future selves in Out of Time had that power to travel in space back to earth to Nazi time, and the resolution of their destruction that has happened by the time of Tikka to ride, created a version of starbug that was a paradox of both having been together in an impossible space battle, so It now had both powers.

    Really enjoyable read today all of this that has taught me that the crazed astro was also the voice over in DNA, I didn’t realise that. And that I need to watch a couple of things again cus I don’t remember them when reading this version of what happens.

    Things missing/corrections. You missed a chance to slag the fuck out of Vindalunar. Which I don’t really blame you for!

    You mention Backwards Forwards as (see below) but then don’t mention it below, not even where you mention things like deleted scenes etc as a passing reference.

    This maybe comes within your remit, given comedy connections does etc.
    https://youtu.be/uMvFA-Sbxno

  10. G&T Admin

    Cheers Jon! Corrections corrected.

    I did consider including Britain’s Best Sitcom, but I omitted it to avoid opening a can of worms. Unlike Comedy Connections, it was just one segment of a bigger show, which would open the floodgates to so many things that it’d be impossible to be comprehensive.

    I hadn’t considered including Vindalunar… It *is* a bit of video that’s Red Dwarf related, but again, where do you draw the line? If that’s in, so is every other web video Dave’s ever done. And if 21st century promotional materials are in, do I then have to track down details of every trailer that’s ever been aired? What about the PBS idents? The word “almost” in the header covers a multitude of sins!

    I will continue to ponder these things, and then update this in a couple of months or so, work dependent. Also pondering whether to write up the specifics of the deleted scenes. Or whether to just do minor updates to this, and crack on with a version for print media.

  11. Wasnt sure how the britains sitcom thing first went out, as i didnt watch it on transmission. But if thats part of a “list” type show then it rightly belongs as you say on a list of red dwarf appearing in “list” shows or “magazine show” segments featuring the show and so a separate thing from this whole entities list.

    Was there a celebrity who championed red dwarf? as part of this britains sitcom thing? As i think i saw one of those for only fools or something, someone urging me to vote, which sort of made me wonder if this had broadcast as mini features.

    Vindaluna was just one segment of a bigger show involving horses, women swearing and a cat sitting in a box as i remember it, glad it doesn’t count.

  12. G&T Admin

    The top ten entries for Britain’s Best Sitcom had their own episodes, with celebrity advocates, but #100-#11 were covered in a standard list show. Had we cracked the top ten and got a full show, that would undoubtedly be here. Instead, we just got Andrew Collings saying “the crux of the show is whether you find the word ‘smeg’ funny”.

  13. Only the Good… has Ricky Grove (Baxter) instead of Ricky Grover. And Out of Time says “They need the present crews’ help to repair their time drive.” It should be crew’s.

    Minor typos that you should really be punished for repeatedly. (Nah. I just figured I’d point out what little I found. A great read.)

  14. The “i” is missing from “archive” in the description of the Series VIII DVD extra Super Models, you tit. But seriously, great work.

    >The top ten entries for Britain’s Best Sitcom had their own episodes, with celebrity advocates

    I remember the one with Rowland Rivron putting the case for One Foot in the Grave had so-called fan of the show Gaby Roslin as one of the contributors. Really pissed me off by saying something about Mrs Warboys being one of those sitcom characters whose first name you never find out – she’s always just Mrs Warboys. MARGARET CALLS HER JEAN ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME!!!

  15. Outstanding work!! Pat yourselves on the back a reasonable number of times.

    For some reason the Stoke ‘in brief’ made me laugh more than any of the others. I’m sad like that…xD Okay the Kryten one is pretty funny too, and Krytie TV! (funnier than the fucking episode, to be fair) :D

  16. Ah. Right I get it now.

    Yeah Andrew Collins is the epitome of clip show twats. The Smeghead.

  17. Surprised at how many fuck alls are in there.

    Actually, no, no I’m not.

  18. The fucks all effected my anticipation of future dwarf casts. As i hadn’t really checked which ones were not yet covered. I eagerly await gun men & better than life. (Not while breath holding though i do know which site this is). I think you should do some western impressions for gun men.then we could have hello im cunt eastwood on the intro. ;-)

  19. >IN BRIEF: Rimmer is shocked at the size of Lister’s penis.

    I always viewed that scene as “Rimmer is shocked at the state of Lister’s penis” . Interesting.

  20. I saw it as a size gag, but with the benefit of hindsight, it could be the set up of the “urine should only be green…” gag.

  21. G&T Admin

    This is the big debate that’s been ignored for years – what is it about Lister’s cock that causes such a reaction?

  22. Both heads.

  23. The most interesting debate on G&T since people posed the conundrum: is that piece of cloth covering Ackerman’s eye meant to be a piece of cloth covering Ackerman’s eye or a gaping hole?

  24. It’s a gaping hole.

    WHERE LISTER PUTS HIS ENORMOUS TWO-HEADED GREEN-PISSING COCK.

  25. G&T Admin

    It’s clearly the size, come on now.

  26. Interesting debate. I figure it’s like one of those Rorschach tests whereby what the watcher sees reflects his or her own psyche.
    What I mean by that is, people who saw it as a feedline to the ‘green urine’ joke later on are almost certainly anally retentive, consider themselves to be part of an elite comedy cognoscenti, and tend to laugh louder at a comedians’ work once they are dead. On the other hand, people who saw it as a joke about cleanliness might well have a shade of obsessive compulsive disorder, or a personal anguish about the “unnatural” state of undress. And people who saw it as a joke about size will have an inferiority complex regarding their own penis. Laughter at such a joke, in this case, is used to deflect their own anxieties about ‘falling short’ as a man.

    For me, though, it was all three.

    And I liked it when he put those thick gloves on.

  27. One and three.

  28. It was the sickness to me and not the size.

    A return of the polls?

  29. If you watch it, it’s clearly a size joke, as he feels around ‘down there’ to get a handle on it with the forceps, and realizes something is very amiss, so much so that he removes the blindfold to see.. if it was just green urine or cleanliness he’d never have noticed it with the blindfold on.

    Rimmer very apparently has size issues, given his reaction in the mirror universe in “Only the Good”.

  30. “if it was just green urine or cleanliness he’d never have noticed it with the blindfold on.”

    True, unless it hurt to urinate and that’s what made him take off the blindfold, and then he saw the state of it. He talks at some point in the episode about all the little aches and pains Lister never mentioned before…I’m not saying it isn’t a size joke, but I do think it’s not “clearly” one or the other.

  31. >unless it hurt to urinate

    That’ll be all that smeg.

  32. “…given his reaction in the mirror universe in “Only the Good ”

    For some reason I always interpreted that as Rimmer discovering he has ‘opposite’ sexual organs, ie. female.

    To be fair though, I sort of skim watched it, along with the rest of Series 8.

  33. So Lister was in fact warning Rimmer in case of a bodyswap and not calling him a smeg head. Huh.

  34. “…given his reaction in the mirror universe in “Only the Good ”

    For some reason I always interpreted that as Rimmer discovering he has ‘opposite’ sexual organs, ie. female.
    To be fair though, I sort of skim watched it, along with the rest of Series 8.

    Wrong universe… =)

  35. So given this thing aired on Telly, has the characters in it, i think it says it was for children in need also which you list with in this article for other reasons, even thought it’s tiny (like rimmers cock), even compared to even bo rap, and even though it was mainly shown as an advert, becuase it’s unique, shouldnt it still be included in the TV specials list?

    https://youtu.be/7dRugmJBAow

    Go on, do it for Ronnie Corbet who’s no longer with us, as a thank you, for taking a fart in the face that time.

  36. Hey I find it ironic, that Rimmers line in this “But he survives” Is actually the last in character utterance from the crew in the 90’s then! This aired 9 months after “the smeg it is” appeared on our screens. So I now claim it’s actually a hidden message resolving that cliff hanger people are still upset that doug naylor hasnt resolved. Ha ha.

  37. God, the people we’ve lost since that ad aired… Ronnie Corbett, Ronnie Barker, Spike Milligan. Plus Caroline Aherne, Victoria Wood, Gary Olsen to Cancer, far too early. How depressing.

  38. Meanwhile, Peter Sallis is still around, proving there’s *some* sort of tiny justice in the world.

  39. Yeah Amen. to them. And the fast show has also sadly died since this add aired. If you saw the online series.

  40. There’s also these:

  41. So when’s this gonna get updated?

  42. G&T Admin

    There is a plan. I planned it.

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