Idea for an episode.

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  • #225044

    Rubber

    Pet a Dead Man’s Leg

    During a typically tortuous Red Dwarf simile joke, Lister winks at Kochanski, sending Kryten into a spiral of jealousy and rage which ultimately leads to him bludgeoning his master to death with his massive, massive hands. After the incident he sits in a catatonic state, clutching the stiffening corpse and stroking Lister’s leg with the same massive, massive hands that shook, smashed and squeezed the life out of his battered and broken human body. Meanwhile, stiff-in-residence Rimmer takes up taxidermy – good timing, Arnie!

    #225045

    Rubber

    Better Lead Than Leg

    The Dwarfers have a night in playing Future Space People Cluedo. Cat thinks the murder weapon was Doug’s artificial leg, but Kryten patiently explains that the lead piping would be a slightly more realistic suggestion. Ultimately it turns out that the objective of Future Space People Cluedo is pointless because the murder victim’s hologram can be activated to disclose all the details of their demise. Meanwhile, Kochanski is more than a little irked to find that her ‘Keltic Kristine Kochanski’ Twitter handle is being flooded with messages from KKK members.

    #225046

    Rubber

    Setter Dead, Then Dig

    Rimmer suddenly turns out to have a pet dog which has never been mentioned before. It dies. They dig a little grave for it. It’s sad when dogs die, apparently, so this is a sad episode. :(

    #225047

    Rubber

    Better Read Than Doug

    Rob Grant drops in to let the Dwarfers know that he’s been reading constantly since ditching them back in the 1990s and he’s now definitely read more books than his former writing partner Doug Naylor, which is a Big Achievement and Very Good To Have Done. “Read, or ate?’ says bitchy Kryten with a smirk, and the rest of the crew fall about laughing. Rob is so sad that the characters he co-created have evolved into such shallow, treacherous bastards that he tries to eject himself into deep space but can’t fit through the airlock door.

    #225048

    Dave

    I just want to see an episode where Todhunter finally catches Tod.

    #225049

    Rubber

    Kettle, Bed, Pan, Peg

    AI chips are implanted in literally every single object on Red Dwarf in an attempt to swing the next mechanoid election. That plot line rapidly fizzles out but a handle of talking props form a girl group and it’s so awful you can’t even begin to imagine it. Guest starring Camille Coduri, Miranda Hart, Debra Stephenson and Lisa Hammond.

    #225050

    Ben Saunders

    Fuck my arse we’re onto the second page

    #225051

    Rubber

    If you like.

    #225053

    Ben Saunders

    Steady.

    #225055

    Ben Paddon

    MICKOCRACY: Lister discovers singer/songwriter Mick Hucknall is inexplicably stored in stasis down on one of the lower decks. Even more startling is that he seems to hold a higher rank than Rimmer, making him acting captain. But after Hucknall instates some baffling rules onboard ship, including mandatory karaoke nights where the songlist is made up entirely of Simply Red songs, Rimmer decides to take the Astronavigation Exam once again in order to achieve a higher rank and take him down for good.

    Fortunately, the exam questions have all been replaced with “Complete these song titles” questions featuring the titles of Simply Red tracks, and Rimmer aces the exam.

    David Baddiel guest stars as a disenfranchised computer panel.

    #225056

    cwickham

    “FUCK!” IN THE THREAD

    Surprise is expressed that a G&T forum thread has reached its second page.

    #225057

    bloodteller

    BEYOND A BLOKE- the crew come across a deserted space station, containing a machine that turns them all into women. G&T prepare for the worst, fearing that the episode will contain horribly offensive gender stereotypes and blatant sexism. however, to everyone’s surprise the episode manages to tackle the topic very tastefully and thoughtfully, and nearly everyone ends up enjoying the episode.

    meanwhile, an internet forum contains so many witty and clever puns about Red Dwarf episode titles that the thread gains the legendary Page 2.

    #225058

    Rubber

    Potter Did That Smeg

    When Professor McGonegall finds ‘semeny remnants’ during an inspection of the boys’ dormitory in Gryffindor Tower, he other lads point the finger of blame at their bespectacled roommate. Meanwhile, Kryten finds he has the Midas touch when his alchemy experiment goes wrong, making everything he touches turn to gold! As a side effect, Lister finds out who’s been wanking him off every night while he’s asleep.

    #225059

    Rubber

    Otter-Fed Cat Begs

    Rimmer bans Cat from eating any more otters. Cat pleads with the crew to be allowed to continue eating otters. He just loves the taste of those crunchy little otters. Rimmer isn’t having any of it though because he’s a shit.

    #225060

    Hamish

    I think we now need a fan edit to cut down this thread to a reasonable 10 minutes read.

    #225061

    Hamish

    Two parters are always a bad idea.

    #225062

    cwickham

    BACK IN THE RED PART FIVE

    Doug Naylor realises he can have a recap last 26 minutes and it still counts towards the episode’s runtime.

    #225063

    flanl3

    SAMSARAWHO:

    The boys discover a wrecked ship with anxiety, depression, and a modeling portfolio. The episode is three hours long and audio-only, with the ending twist being that it didn’t really happen.

    #225064

    Captain Bollocks

    PURED

    After Kryten discovers living photographs, Lister goes back in time and steals Churchill’s banana and crisp sandwich. Unfortunately, this changes the course of history and wipes out curry, so Lister arranges for a second visit back to the 1940s where he convinces Churchill to assassinate himself for the good of all mankind. With no available alternative, Neville Chamberlain remains in power, but is controlled by Benito Mussolini who has pictures of him at a transvestite orgy, allowing Hitler to win World War II. Lister must then concoct a second scheme in order to bring about an end to Hitler’s tyranny, but after a guitar duel, discovers that Adolf and Eva are an absolute hoot, provided you don’t talk politics.

    #225065

    Captain Bollocks

    PEAT PART 1

    Kryten lays some new turf in the ship’s botanical garden.

    #225066

    Captain Bollocks

    PEAT PART 2

    A dinosaur does a shit on Hollister.

    #225067

    Paul Muller

    Back in the Thread: Page 2

    The crew return to an old forum thread and discover that it has mutated into a hideous, unstoppable, self-replicating monster.

    Meanwhile, disruptions in space-time have led to catastrophic changes across history. In the new timeline, Margaret Thatcher’s Conservative government privatised British Rail in 1986, leading to massive industrial action forcing the cancellation of up to 60% of scheduled trains on the West Coast Main Line. BBC Commissioning Editor for Independent Productions Peter Risdale-Scott is forced to abandon his regular rail journey and drive up and down the heavily congested M1 motorway. He is therefore unable to read Grant Naylor’s pilot script for a new sRed Dwarf and never commissions the series.

    Consequently, a nondescript, bearded, doughy man in his early thirties is typing at his keyboard in the year 2017, when he suddenly forgets what he’s talking abou

    #225068

    Rubber

    Prettified Man’s Legs

    Cat is sick of waiting around for a woman to turn up for him to make fuck with, so he waits until Lister is asleep, chloroforms him and then uses his vast arsenal of beauty aids and products to make him over into as attractive a woman substitute as possible given the raw material. The end result is passable from the waist up, but a ‘total smegging triumph’ from the waist down, with Cat’s attention to detail re: waxing and bronzing giving Lister a truly exceptional set of pins. The whole crew are completely mesmerised by Lister’s lovely legs, losing concentration every time he passes, unable to tear their gazes away from his smooth, shapely calves. Initially appalled, Lister starts to enjoy the attention, even wearing hot pants and tiny shorts to encourage it. Then Cat tries to have sex with him and the whole thing becomes very fraught and politically sensitive and topical and the episode is expunged from the Dave archive. Meanwhile, Kochanski wonders why nobody remembers she’s still a type of woman.

    #225069

    bloodteller

    BACK IN THE BREAD- the crew relentlessly drill Lister about why he’s so actively against eating any form of bread product. through tearful eyes, Lister finally confesses that he has a yeast allergy. everyone feels bad about asking in the first place and they all apologize for prying too deep into what was clearly an issue Lister didn’t want to discuss. suddenly, Talkie Toaster pipes up and points out he could just have eaten Warburtons Wholemeal Sliced Medium since it contains no yeast, and everyone calls Lister a wangsty little sod for being an arse to Talkie all these years over an easily resolvable issue.

    meanwhile, Rimmer does a big wet shit in Lister’s bunk and has to clean it up before he gets back.

    #225070

    clem

    SKIPPER

    Lister tries to get himself in shape for a boxing match against Darren Day, but it ends up not happening. Meanwhile Kryten can’t find enough glacé cherries for his pineapple upside-down cake.

    #225071

    Pete Part Three

    It’s A Punderful Life

    Lister finds himself trapped on a forum thread on the fan site Ganymede and Titan, forever enlisting on adventures that are based around creakily contrived puns.

    Lister makes plans to leave but decides he can’t do it while there’s still one more pun to make.

    But, of course, on Ganymede and Titan, there’s always one more pun to make.

    #225072

    si

    But, of course, on Ganymede and Titan, there’s always one more pun to make.

    Punnymede and Titan.

    #225073

    Ben Saunders

    BANANDRA: The crew encounter a banana at the bottom of an ocean moon which can tell the future with 100% accuracy. It can’t speak, so they leave it to die in the wreckage.

    #225075

    Rubber

    Mascara

    Rimmer learns that one of the nurses in the maternity ward where he was born was dyslexic and accidentally mis-tagged him and that he is, in fact, part of the Rimmel dynasty and heir to a cosmetics fortune (albeit one strand in deep space with no access to it). While Rimmel comes to terms with his new lineage and a revised sense of self and purpose, Kochanski starts hounding him for make-up tips which he is woefully unqualified to give. Guest starring Reece Shearsmith as Coco Chanel.

    #225076

    bloodteller

    BACK, SACK AND CRACK IN THE RED- lister tries to use hot wax strips to remove all of his body hair, with dire consequences

    #225077

    bloodteller

    FRACKING THE RED: the dwarfers discover some equipment onboard Red Dwarf that’s actually related to mining for once

    #225078

    Rubber

    Mens Samsara In Thingummy Doodah

    The Dwarfers stumble across a health farm at the bottom of an ocean moon, where they encounter Julie Walters, Anne Reid, Liza Tarbuck, My Hero’s Lill Roughley, British sitcom mainstay Selina Cadell and the hologram of the late Victoria Wood. Everything looks a bit late 80s/early 90s and holo-Vic successfully punctures the perceived assumptions about female attractiveness being dependent on unrealistic body expectations etc using gentle humour and observational comedy. Guest starring Norman Lovett as Leotard Woman.

    #225079

    Dave

    OUR ROB OR ROSS

    The British Comedy Awards (at which Red Dwarf XII is nominated for Best Sitcom) are looking for a host. While they’re tempted to choose Rob Brydon, his exorbitant fee and inherent dislikability are putting them off. But when they realise that the only alternative is ‘safe pair of hands’ Jonathan Ross, they conclude that their choice must be the lesser of two evils.

    #225080

    Rubber

    Timewaif

    Kate Moss washes up from the past and suffocates/freezes in the inhospitable vacuum of space. Meanwhile, B-plot hilarity abounds!

    #225081

    cwickham

    TIMEGAVE

    Lister is given a new watch for his birthday.

    #225082

    si

    TIM WAVE

    Tim Vine pops by, and waves.

    #225083

    cwickham

    TIMEWAVE PART TWO

    Ziggy eats some curry and shits everywhere.

    #225085

    Hamish

    Officer Rimmer Part Two

    *BLAM*

    *BLAM*

    *SPLAT*

    *THUD*

    Credits.

    #225087

    bloodteller

    TIMEKRAVE: the crew find a ship made of crunchy wheat cereal, filled with gooey chocolate paste.

    meanwhile, kochanski is found dead in an airlock, flayed to the bone. but was it an accident? kryten seems to think so…

    #225088

    flanl3

    TWONTICA: TWENTICA II:

    While playing pool, one of the balls flies off the table and hits the casket of Chronos, sending the boys back in time to Lister’s GELF wedding, where they all eat curry and shit everywhere.

    #225089

    bloodteller

    TIMEWAIFU- lister gets really into anime and starts calling makise kurisu his “waifu” along with sleeping with a bodypillow of her every night. things are looking bleak until rimmer slaps some sense into lister, telling him to go meet some real women.

    meanwhile, kryten finally takes up gardening but cat keeps taking shits on his chrysanthemums.

    #225090

    Dave

    BOLLYMORPH

    Bollywood remake of the classic series III episode.

    #225093

    Captain Bollocks

    COLLYMORPH

    When an emotion-stealing shapeshifter comes aboard the ship, it assumes the visage of an ex-professional footballer and chases the crew around shouting “Journaliste! Journaliste!” in an unconvincing French accent.

    #225094

    flanl3

    STALINMORPH:

    A polymorph gets mistakenly stuck in the form of our good old pal Joey.

    #225097

    bloodteller

    OUT OF TIMEWAVE: during a repeat of Timewave, the dwarfers become self-aware and try to escape the nightmarishly shit episode. lister makes the ultimate sacrifice when it’s discovered the only way to end it all is by having a really abrupt cut to credi

    #225098

    flanl3

    CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA PART TWO:

    Lister hallucinates a dinosaur then hallucinates it shitting everywhere.

    #225099

    Rubber

    Confidence and Paraplegia

    Lister is sure he can bungee down all three miles of the lift shaft without serious injury. He can’t.

    #225100

    cwickham

    DEAR DAVE PART TWO

    A dinosaur shits everywhere, then cleans it up using Rimmer’s special report.

    #225101

    Rubber

    Balance of Pooer

    A dinosaur shits everywhere while standing on a tightrope.

    #225102

    flanl3

    ONLY THE GOOD… PART TWO:

    A dinosaur shits everywhere, suffocating the chameleonic microbe, and Rimmer takes all the credit.

    #225103

    flanl3

    SKIPPER PART TWO:

    Rimmer skips to an alternate dimension where the entire crew of Red Dwarf is just dinosaurs shitting everywhere.

    #225104

    flanl3

    PETE PART ONE PART TWO:

    Rimmer and Lister put some drugs in the prison guard basketball team’s halftime juice to turn them all into dinosaurs that shit everywhere.

    #225105

    Rubber

    Tony the Good

    Tony Slattery’s still alive, don’t forget! What nuance he brings to each part he plays. Totally worth getting him in specifically like it’s still the 1980s. Meanwhile, a dinosaur does a big shit.

    #225106

    flanl3

    CAN OF WORMS PART TWO:

    Cat is shocked when everybody tells him that turning into a dinosaur and shitting everywhere is not a common sex move. He gets upset and runs off and kills his dinosaur children because of this.

    #225107

    flanl3

    LEMONS PART TWO:

    The boys travel back in time with Jesus to see a dinosaur shitting everywhere. Thankfully, the dinosaur has visited the land of Albion in his travels, so he can communicate perfectly fine with them all.

    #225108

    flanl3

    QUARANTINE PART TWO:

    The boys discover that Lanstrom had also extracted the dinosaur shitting everywhere virus, and give Lister an injection to see if it really works. Hilarity ensues.

    #225109

    flanl3

    THE END REMASTERED PART TWO:

    You know that pile of hologrammatic shit Rimmer crashed into? That was actually hologrammatic dinosaur shit.

    #225110

    Rubber

    Pete Part Poo

    Pete turns out to be descended from Moses but a bird and parts the brown sea.

    #225111

    cwickham

    BACK IN THE RED PART THREE PART TWO PETE PART ONE PART TWO:

    It turns out the episode of Red Dwarf where a dinosaur shits everywhere isn’t a dream.

    #225112

    Katydid

    EARTH PART 2

    Lister kills almost everyone on Earth and responds with a crack about swapping insurance details. Meanwhile, Rimmer enslaves the remainder of humanity and a race of feral Dwayne Dibbleys declares Cat to be their God.

    #225113

    Dave

    ONLY THE WOOD

    Lister asks Rimmer what types of telegraph poles he is interested in.

    #225114

    cwickham

    ONLY THE WOOD PART TWO

    Deeply moving and profound two-hander between Kill Crazy and a dinosaur that shits everywhere.

    #225115

    Dave

    RED DWARF DE-MASTERED

    Unusual project through which old episodes of Red Dwarf have their model shots replaced with cruder and more dated-looking special effects, and also have a new digital film treatment applied to the entire episode to make the quality look if anything *shitter* than previously.

    (Or was that REmastered? Yes, I think it was remastered wasn’t it.)

    #225116

    Rubber

    Quite Teaty Vi

    The crew stumble cross a research station where Queen Victoria has been cloned and crossbred with cows to create a plentiful source of royal milk. Naturally, their droopy titties grab the attention of Cat – he’s a slave to the white stuff! Meanwhile, Lister and Rimmer blah blah antagonism blah blap bloo

    #225117

    Me Own Stunts

    Suddenly there are teeth and they go shopping.

    #225119

    Katydid

    FULL QUILTED JACKET

    Rimmer joins the army. He fails boot camp, but discovers he can simply put on a sergeant’s outfit and pretend to be in charge of his former fellow recruits. Will the fake mustache fool them? And more importantly, how will his inability to touch result in wacky slapstick hijinks when his newfound glory gets him a date?

    Meanwhile, Lister is put to death by GELFs after he mistakes their chief for a curry.

    #225120

    clem

    GALLONS OF POO, EURGH!

    A dinosaur eats curry and shits everywhere. Meanwhile Cat takes up bodybuilding.

    #225121

    clem

    BACK TURDS

    Captain Hollister’s about to get a massage when a dinosaur shits on his back. Meanwhile Kryten’s won the pools!

    #225122

    Dave

    WAITING FOR DODD

    Lister and Rimmer travel back in time to 20th-Century Earth and decide to go and see Ken Dodd live. Unfortunately he turns up late and an already-restless crowd turns ugly. Lister tries to use a Bazookoid to fight his way out, but in the chaos, Ken Dodd is killed. A dark chapter in Red Dwarf history.

    #225124

    Rubber

    Legiron

    Mr Naylor visits the ship but comical domesticated robot Kryten can’t work out how to iron his artificial leg; cue another temper tantrum! Meanwhile, Rimmer gets really into putting people in medieval bondage. Guest starring Johnny Peacock as Mr Naylor.

    #225125

    Rubber

    Gunman of the Paralympics

    Oscar Pistorius visits the ship, gets confused by a talking toilet and shoots it quite a lot.

    #225129

    Dave

    Binmen of the Apocalypse

    When the garbage droids are corrupted by a computer virus, the Boys From The Dwarf have to learn how to dispose of their own rubbish.

    Actually I could see that being a real plot for the show.

    #225130

    Rubber

    Incense of the Apoocalypse

    Shit-eating MILF droid Incense drops by, eager to stand behind a dinosaur while it shits everywhere. He’s disappointed to learn that it’s now off-season and there won’t be any more shitting dinosaurs around until late March. Lister kindly tries to get him interested in eating things other than shit, but to no avail. Guest starring Su Pollard (uncredited) as Peggy.

    #225131

    cwickham

    BINMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE PART TWO

    The Dwarfers refuse to dispose of their own rubbish, leading to them shitting everywhere as it now makes no difference.

    #225133

    Pete Part Three

    BINMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE PART THREE

    The Riviera Kid is sentenced to 120 hours of community service for assaulting two bin men.

    #225134

    clem

    THE INK VISITOR

    Another squid has gotten into the water tank. Meanwhile T. Rex shit everywhere. That’s T. Rex the band, not a dinosaur.

    #225135

    Dave

    HANDWAVE

    Criticism is banned. This means that all people posting on G&T are forbidden from moaning about the way Red Dwarf stories often set up key plot points only to later ignore them or resolve them in the flimsiest, most cursory way possible.

    #225136

    cwickham

    THE BEND

    Newly re-remastered version of The End, with a really conspicuous newly-filmed scene where Lister recounts the Bent Bob story from “Duct Soup”.

    #225138

    Rubber

    Weightlifting for God

    Kochanski attributes her success in the Red Dwarf all-women powerlifting championships to her unshakeable religious faith. Meanwhile, Oscar Pistorius is still on the loose, last seen scuttling about on the cargo decks.

    #225140

    Rubber

    Better Dead Than SmegLife

    The Inquisitor’s irritable wife turns up and obliterates Rimmer from existence for being useless and managing to get himself killed. Unfortunately, she’s not very good at her job and when she replaces him with one of the ‘sperms that never made it’, she accidentally chooses one who had already been ejaculated and was just a sticky stale semeny remnant prior to being transplanted into Rimmer’s timeline. SmegRimmer is similar to HoloRimmer except that he’s alive, short, has a long spermy tail and absolutely no physical co-ordination or language skills, is completely obsessed with eggs, sticks to everything he touches and smells of stale cheese. On reflection, the crew – who can still remember the original version, due to further Inquisiteptitude – decide they preferred him as a cunty hologram. Guest starring Ruth Jones as Mrs Inquisitor and Toby Jones as SmegRimmer.

    #225141

    Rubber

    Tanks: Further Memories

    29 minutes of Robert Llewellyn reminiscing over how cool it was to be able to pop his head up out of a tank in that contrived episode he wrote specifically so he could have the chance to pop his head up out of a tank. Meanwhile, Lister’s smeggy socks; curry.

    #225143

    cwickham

    Tanks Fuhrer Memories

    Basically the same as the above, except with Ryan Gage and Kenneth Hadley appearing halfway through.

    #225144

    bloodteller

    THE REND: Cat tears all the flesh off Rimmer’s body.

    #225146

    Rubber

    Parallewellyn Universe

    Holly accidentally transports the crew to a parallel universe where everyone has to spend hours in makeup being made to look like Robert Llewellyn. The gang develop a real appreciation for the hardships Robert Llewellyn suffers from having to wear that ridiculous head all the time, and the experience of wearing a Robert Llewellyn head actually makes at least one member of the cast fall ill.

    #225149

    Rubber

    The Friend

    Jennifer Aniston drops by and Cat tears all the flesh off her body. Afterwards he thinks they had sex.

    #225154

    Katydid

    MAC MCDONALD HAD A FARM, VEE-EYE-VEE-EYE-EYE

    Turns out Captain Hollister stole Red Dwarf and hitched it up to his wagon to make daily grain deliveries. He agrees to give it back, but only if he’s allowed to cut up The Cat and run tests on his nipples. Rimmer agrees. Cat, in the natural conclusion to his running insults in Series XII, responds by jamming a screwdriver into Rimmer’s eye-socket. Lister shrugs. Cue credits.

    #225157

    Dave

    RED DWARF: JUST THE SHOWERS

    Oddly specific ‘vanilla’ DVD compilation collecting only those episodes of Red Dwarf in which a shower is seen or mentioned.

    #225158

    cwickham

    IDEA FOR AN EPISODE PART TWO

    The ‘Idea for an episode’ thread grows so large it gains sentience, then proceeds to shit everywhere.

    #225160

    cwickham

    RED DWARF: JUST THE Ss

    DVD featuring Skipper, Siliconia, Samsara, Stoke Me a Clipper and Stasis Leak. A bonus disc features the Smeg Ups, The Starbuggers documentary, “The Speed of Dark”, “The Sands of Stuntbug”, the unfilmed script extracts from The Bodysnatcher Collection, “The SFX of Back to Earth”, the VIII storyboard sequences, “Settling the Score”, the “Sick” music featurette, “The SFX of Red Dwarf V”, all the previously released special effects footage and the ‘S’ bit of the Red Dwarf A-Z.

    RED DWARF: JUST THE Qs

    One-disc set featuring Queeg, Quarantine and nothing else. Doug Naylor later admits that the project will be put on hold until the world can catch up to his vision.

    #225161

    bloodteller

    STASIS GREEK- the Dwarfers discover Heracles in stasis. he is surprised to discover so many of the spaceships 3 million years in the future are named after mythology from his time, and further surprised that the names of said ships usually correspond thematically to whatever’s onboard.

    meanwhile, duane dibbley is found dead in a bin with a curtain rod shoved down his throat. but was it an accident?

    #225162

    Rubber

    Terrorfarm

    Lister finally gets his dream Fijian farm with Kochanski, sheep, cow, horses, twins etc, but things take a turn for the horrific when the animals go insane, turn on the humans and eat the faces of his wife and kids. Meanwhile, Kryten is an appliance.

    #225163

    cwickham

    STASIS TWEAK: The Dwarfers adjust the settings on the stasis booths slightly.

    #225165

    Rubber

    The Innquisitor

    Cold, tired and hungry, Mary and Joseph arrive at the final hostelry in Bethlehem, desperately hoping they can find shelter for the night, even if only in an outhouse. However, due to terrible puns, the innkeeper-in-residence is the Innquisitor, who tells them they must justify their existences otherwise they will be expunged from time. ‘Please wait just a few more hours, I’m having the son of God later, that’s worthwhile!’ cries a desperate Mary, but unfortunately the Innquisitor is quite impatient, judges them harshly and deletes them from history, thus eradicating the Christfoetus which is also God, and ultimately obliterating both God and any sense of a higher power or purpose from the universe. This in turn leads to the Innquisitor’s original realisation that life is meaningless, triggering the series of events which led to his eternal quest to guarantee human worthwhility in the first place. Lawks! Meanwhile, food supplies are so low that Kryten is forced to freeze Lister’s meaty farts and serve them back to him with a distracting carrot.

    #225166

    Dave

    RACIST LEAK

    When a Daily Mail review of one of the show’s earliest episodes that describes Craig Charles in unflattering racist and heightist terms is inadvertently sent back in time to the actor as a young man, it dissuades him from taking a starring role in the series.

    But then a time-travelling Alan Rickman and Alfred Molina show up and convince him to do it after all, thus leaving their schedules clear to become Hollywood superstars.

    #225168

    Rubber

    White Hol

    Nigel Farage sneaks into Holly’s main control room and fiddles with his settings so it’s impossible for him to appear as any race other than white British. When challenged about this by the rest of the crew, Farage turns shifty and defensive and mutters, ‘Look, it just helps me concentrate better, alright?’ Meanwhile, it hasn’t gone unnoticed by Rimmer that Lister wears an awful lot of leather for a heterosexual man.

    #225173

    Captain Bollocks

    BACK TO BIRTH

    The crew travel back to Lister’s emergence from the womb in order to abduct him and place him under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms in order that he might grow up to be the man who sired himself with the Kochanski from that alternate dimension, in turn allowing him to replace himself under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms and ultimately creating a paradox that results in a dinosaur shitting everywhere a couple of years later.

    #225174

    Captain Bollocks

    CAN’T PEG, WON’T PEG

    Anniversary spin-off special in which Kochanski refuses to bum Ainsley Harriott with crew-made strap-ons.

    #225175

    Rubber

    Kryteen

    Why’s Kryten acting all surly and uncooperative and insubordinate? That’s right, he’s become a teenager! Meanwhile, continuity calls the rape crisis helpline.

    #225179

    si

    RED DWARF: JUST THE Qs
    One-disc set featuring Queeg, Quarantine and nothing else. Doug Naylor later admits that the project will be put on hold until the world can catch up to his vision.

    And the episodes of QI featuring ‘Pink Lawman’ Johnny Vegas, ‘Snow bloke’ Mark Steel, and ‘Musicy chap’ Howard Goodall.

    #225182

    Paul Muller

    Stoke: “Me? A clipper?”

    The crew continue their tour of the West Midlands with a trip to the Potteries Museum in Stoke-on-Trent. Rimmer is unable to contain his surprise when accused of stealing a priceless 19th century sailing vessel.

    #225183

    Paul Muller

    Terraform

    The crew manipulate the atmosphere of a barren planet over several millenia to create a functional ecosystem capable of supporting life.

    #225184

    clem

    RED DWARF A-C, E, F, AND H-Z

    Director’s cut of the Red Dwarf A-Z with the sections featuring Garry Bushell removed, because he’s a cunt.

    #225185

    Rubber

    Bookwords

    Doug writes another Red Dwarf novel. This is it. How meta!

    #225189

    Paul Muller

    Just Ice

    The crew stop off for lunch at a local Pizza Hut. The Cat gives a surprising answer when asked if he’d like ice and lemon in his refillable Diet Pepsi…

    #225191

    cwickham

    RED DWARF A-C, E, F, AND H-Z PART TWO

    Garry Bushell shits everywhere.

    #225192

    flanl3

    FATWARDS:

    The Dwarfers land on a planet where time runs faster nearer to people with higher BMIs. Featuring Doug Naylor as Rob Grant.

    #225195

    Rubber

    The Lister Day

    Every day is Lister day for Kryten! He just loves Mr Lister so very much. Unfortunately, Lister hasn’t noticed that Kryten has started borrowing parts of his body and wearing them while he’s asleep.

    #225197

    bloodteller

    OFFICER SLIMMER: rimmer is so enthralled by his promotion to officer that he forgets to eat for 4 days, resulting in him losing 50kg.

    meanwhile, the rimmer monster buys a keepfit bike but can’t use it because he’s a hideous mutated mess of a creature. he cries out in agony, and asks for the dwarfers to end its miserable existence. they cannot bring themselves to do it.

    #225199

    bloodteller

    INCONTINENCE AND PARANOIA: lister starts worrying if that really IS a urine stain on his trousers, or if it’s just tea.

    #225200

    Rubber

    Man of Worms

    In a parallel universe, Lister’s pet worm evolved into a race of snuggly humanoid worms while he was in stasis. In our universe, however, it’s menopause time for Krissie K! Unless we’re still pretending she’s only 31. Guest starring Dr George Carey as Slightly Religious Worm and Kerry Shale as Pakistani HRT Patch.

    #225203

    Pete Part Three

    Six Hundred of the Best

    Ganymede and Titan regulars convene with Ed Bye to discuss their favourite 600 posts from the “Idea for an episode” thread. Meanwhile, the free Starbug hologram goes missing.

    #225206

    bloodteller

    STASIS WEAK- kryten forces lister to become even more lazy, refusing to let him even leave his bed anymore. as a consequence, lister’s body becomes frail and weak and he suffers from muscle wastage and bedsores the size of radar dishes. kryten is quite pleased by this outcome- now lister will depend COMPLETELY on him, relying on him for literally everything as he is now capable of nothing. things take a dark turn however, when cat accidentally sits on lister’s fragile body, crushing all of his bones. bu

    meanwhile rimmer goes into stasis, but then leaves.

    #225207

    bloodteller

    CONFIDANTS AND PARANOIA- rimmer tells lister all his greatest secrets but then worries he’ll tell everyone

    #225209

    bloodteller

    ONLY THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY: It’s movie night on board Red Dwarf! However, things take a turn for the worst when all the movies aside from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly (1966) are inexplicably flushed into space. Movie night is ruined forever. But was it an accident?

    #225214

    Colorband

    THE COLLECTOR

    A travelling collector of odd, terrible, and outdated things ends up aboard the ship and wants to buy Kryten off the boys.

    That’s all I’ve got.

    #225215

    Colorband

    H’rumph, I can’t edit it again, so I’ll just continue the summary here.

    A travelling collector of odd, terrible, and outdated things ends up aboard the ship and wants to buy Kryten off the boys. They spend the episode quibbling about it until the end, where they realize that they don’t really need money 3mil+ years in deep space, and instead send The Collector off with a vacuum-sealed package of one of Lister’s socks.

    #225239

    Rubber

    Cry, Sis!

    Kochanski’s brother Moose turns up, takes her lipstick away and laughs mockingly at his frosty sibling as her steely facade crumbles due to no longer looking perfect. On the plus side, Kryten discovers Kochanski’s tears have healing powers and he decides to keep her in a box in the medi-bay with her head poking out. Meanwhile, Cat has a man crush on Moose and they start doing bromance things, whatever those are. Guest starring Jeanette Tough as Moose.

    #225241

    Rubber

    Twenticat

    Cat clones himself quite a lot. Meanwhile, Todhunter pays a visit to his father’s headstone and finally begins to forgive himself. Guest starring MacKenzie Crook as Failed Clone Batch Cat #11.

    #225242

    Rubber

    Fjord

    The Dwarfers encounter a Space Fjord. How would a fjord work in space? Tune in to find out! Probably they’ll just be arguing among themselves in the cockpit, though. Guest starring Tameka Empson as Mother Nature and Joanna Page as Butterscotch Crypipes.

    #225243

    Paul Muller

    Back To Reality, Oops There Goes Gravity

    The crew write and direct a semi-autobiographical film loosely based around their famous encounter with the Despair Squid, which culminates in a high-stakes rap battle between Rimmer and the tentacled leviathan.

    Due to the unrelated failure of Starbug’s anti-gravity unit – actors, crew and production equipment have to be secured to the deck with rope and stage weights.

    Viewing the rushes, they are dismayed to notice that Rimmer’s ‘H’ drifted away from his forehead in the low gravity, and is floating across the foreground of every shot. There’s no budget for reshoots so they are forced to spend six months painstakingly correcting the shots in post-production.

    #225245

    Rubber

    Camelle

    Lister remembers that he also smuggled a camel onto Red Dwarf before the accident and a quick search of the other end of the cargo decks reveals the sole survivor of an evolved race of humanoid camel people. Despite the hump, Camelle is one hot mama but Cat’s attempts at inter-species seduction fall flat when she reveals she’s a necrophiliac – and she’s after the stuff kind of deado, not the holo kind! Will Cat make the ultimate sacrifice and kill himself for a fuck? Meanwhile, Kochanski discovers Kryten’s secret, so he blinds her.

    #225246

    Rubber

    Manured

    Kryten does his roses.

    #225247

    Rubber

    Manoored

    Kryten crash lands on an ice planet and does his roses.

    #225249

    bloodteller

    BACK TO ERGHHHH- the dwarfers travel back to modern-day Earth but are so disgusted by 21st century society that they all simultaneously vomit in the street. but was it an accident?

    meanwhile, kochanski wonders why the fuck her brother is called moose

    #225251

    flanl3

    CAN OF TERMS:

    Cat accepted the Terms & Conditions without reading them first because he can’t read little words. Subsequently, he gets decapitated. Hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, can Rimmer eject Adolf Hitler and his own holo-semen out every airlock on Red Dwarf in time to save him from an angry skutter who is currently off on a skiing holiday?

    #225252

    flanl3

    TOOT YOUR OWN TRUMP:

    The boys find the corpse of former United States dictator Donald J. Trump. They piss all over it. Hillarity ensues. Get it? Hillarity? Meanwhile, can Cat suck his own dick without breaking his back?

    #225258

    Paul Muller

    Macarooned

    The crew are forced to evacuate Red Dwarf. Lister and Rimmer are stranded on an icy moon with little hope of rescue. Delirious with hunger, Lister cuts a hole in Rimmer’s prized camphor wood trunk to access the delicious macaroons inside. He devours them all and quickly succumbs to cyanide poisoning.

    #225259

    Paul Muller

    You know, from the almonds.

    #225264

    Dave

    AUTOMATIC FOR THE PEOPLE

    Sequel to Out Of Time.

    #225265

    flanl3

    AUTOMATIC FOR THE PEOPLE

    Sequel to Out Of Time.

    I know we haven’t really been stopping this thread to be proud of each other’s ideas, but I’m going to have to stop and be proud of this one.

    I’m proud of you.

    Great, now back to work.

    #225266

    flanl3

    BILLYMORPH

    Bill Clinton is shapeshifting and on board Red Dwarf. Can they defeat him? Featuring the Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Nude Terrifying Organisms and their Nudist ways. The audience is beside themselves with laughter.

    #225274

    Rubber

    Polymath

    Butler. Meanwhile, Legion. Guest starring Nigel Havers as Dashboard.

    #225275

    cwickham

    BACK TO REALITYOCRACY

    Basically the same as Mechocracy, except the election is rigged and both candidates stand on an openly fascist problem. Duane Dibbley shows up for some reason.

    #225276

    Pete Part Three

    Red Dwarf UZB

    Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister (Ulugbeck Khamraev), the last human being alive; Arnold Rimmer (Otabek Mahkamov), a hologram of his dead bunkmate; a creature who evolved from the ship’s cat (Aleksey Chumakov) and a zany robot called Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) who lives to clean.

    #225278

    Dave

    RED DWARF: INFANT ENTITY WELCOMES CAROL DANVERS

    Crossover adventure in which the cosmic starchild from the end of ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ teams up with the current Captain Marvel to rescue Red Dwarf after the crew accidentally discover the Infinity Gauntlet and use it to activate a dormant Monolith.

    Guest-appearances from Tom Cruise, Meryl Streep, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lawrence lead reviewers to declare “My God… It’s Full Of Stars!”

    #225279

    Rubber

    Demons Take Confidence & Give Angels Paranoia

    Satan’s swarming hordes attempt to overthrow God’s radiant flock by undermining their self-esteem on internet messageboards. Meanwhile, Rimmer tries a fancy new platinum ‘H’ but magpies keep swooping out of the sky and ripping it off his forehead, exposing his holo-brain.

    #225281

    bloodteller

    BALANCE OF POWER RANGERS- lister plays jenga using rimmer’s action figure collection

    #225290

    Dave

    PSI WRENS

    Determined to finally answer Ace Rimmer’s enquiry, Rimmer hires a team of female naval officers to calculate what the PSI of Starbug’s engine is.

    #225291

    Rubber

    Cam of Worms

    Camille returns, but she’s in a bad way – riddled with hideous, parasitic, life-draining Gelfworms to be precise. The Dwarfers pledge to help their friend, but are constantly distracted by the fact that they’re seeing the objects of their greatest desires with horrible wriggling worms hanging out of their eye sockets and other horrible wriggling worms poking out of large gaping wounds and sores all over their bodies. Cat in particular finds the experience very harrowing. Ultimately, the cure is beyond the abilities of our boys, so they deliver Camille to Butler’s medical research lab, but Butler smugly refuses to offer a cure as he ‘doesn’t believe in treating prostitutes’. Then Kryten engages him in a breathtaking, fantastically choreographed fist fight which makes up for every shit Red Dwarf episode to date. Meanwhile, worms or no worms, Kochanski is more than a little perturbed by her vision of Camille. Guest starring Stephen Hawking as Stephen Hawking Camille.

    #225292

    Rubber

    Fathers and Sins

    The team investigate cases of widespread and systemic sexual abuse by numerous Roman Catholic priests, with their efforts eventually being dramatised and winning an Oscar. Meanwhile, Holly spends 24 hours in indescribable physical agony for the 6939th day in a row. Why won’t they reboot him? Why?!

    #225293

    Rubber

    TreeJan

    The crew encounter Jan, a Dutchman who thinks he has Dutch Elm Disease. Kryten diagnoses psychosis and recommends a compassionate course of psychiatric sessions, but Asclepius pulls rank and pushes ahead with a radical course of treatment in which they lop off all his limbs. This shocks Jan back to reality, although he finds life more of a challenge with no limbs. Asclepius couldn’t give a fuck, however, as he’s got private patients to see.

    #225294

    Rubber

    Ball of Power

    Lister discovers he can make the lights go on and off by concentrating on his left testicle.

    #225295

    Dave

    QUEEN

    Holly tricks everybody by pretending that the ship has been taken over by a hard-edged computer who looks like Brian May.

    #225297

    Rubber

    Skimbleshanks for the Memory

    Cat is incredibly hurt to learn that his crewmates hate the musical ‘Cats’ because it’s so awful. Guest starring John Partridge as Dream Sequence Rimmer and Elaine Page as Dream Sequence Lister.

    #225298

    cwickham

    QUEER

    Holly tricks everyone by pretending that the ship has been taken over by Ziggy.

    #225299

    Rubber

    Squeegee

    Holly tricks everyone by pretending that the ship has been taken over by a windscreen wiper.

    #225303

    Dave

    THE SILVER SURVEY

    Rimmer insists on cataloguing the ship’s finest cutlery and candelabras as part of a stocktaking exercise. But no-one else can be arsed, so instead they sit around debating which are their favourite episodes of Tales Of The Riverbank: The Next Generation.

    #225304

    Dave

    CAPTAIN BUTLER

    When Kryten’s series-3000 nemesis turns up and decides to take control of Red Dwarf, everyone is pretty happy as the ship runs a lot better due to Butler’s various areas of expertise and his excellent people-management skills.

    Everyone except Kryten, that is, who decides to kill his fellow mechanoid in a jealous fit of pique. The event is never mentioned again, but the shadow of Kryten being a murderer subsequently hangs over the entire series.

    #225313

    Rubber

    Me Cubed

    Lister unexpectedly asks Kryten for a ‘light lunch’, so the quirky mecho dices Rimmer and serves him up in a soup. Guest starring Douglas Naylor and Robert Grant as Mel and Sue.

    #225314

    cwickham

    CHRONOLOOP: TIMEWAVE II

    Nobody knows what this episode is about, as no self-respecting Red Dwarf fan can bring themselves to watch it.

    #225315

    Dave

    WETTER THAN LIFE

    Lister, Rimmer and the Cat start playing an ultra-realistic videogame that simulates the player’s own real-world existence precisely, but with slightly higher levels of precipitation.

    #225316

    Rubber

    Polymiff

    Classic ‘woman’ character Kochanski gets really into Miffy merchandise until the adorable little Dutch bunny comes to life and starts feasting on the emotions of her crewmates, and then their tender flesh.

    #225317

    Rubber

    Slomohawk

    The Dwarfers unwittingly create a YouTube sensation after Lister films the Emohawk stre-e-e-tching and opening and closing its adorable wickle eyesies after the liquid dillinium starts to wear off. Its slooooooooow movements and disoriented expressions give it the appearance of a delightful newborn. Consequently thousands of infatuated kids ask for one for Christmas and wake up on Boxing Day with their personalities drained. Meanwhile, Todhunter writes a letter to his abusive father as part of his therapy.

    #225343

    bloodteller

    GRASSANDRA- the dwarfers meet a computer who helps them do some gardening. rimmer plants geraniums

    meanwhile, lister is killed and eaten by captain hollister after the latter mistook him for an olive on a cocktail stick

    #225345

    bloodteller

    OUT OF TIME- the dwarfers meet denzel washington and he talks about one of his lesser-known movies

    #225346

    flanl3

    OUT OF TIME:

    They all die. Hilarity ensues.

    Wait, wrong order.

    Hitlerity ensues. They.all die.

    #225347

    Dave

    OUT OF TIME

    Documentary about why Officer Rimmer had such a sudden

    #225348

    si

    OUT OF TIME

    Time Magazine calls Lister to say that he is PROBABLY going to be named Man of the Year, but he has to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. He says probably is no good and takes a pass.

    #225349

    Ben Paddon

    OUT OF THYME

    Kryten was going to make a lovely dinner of seasoned chicken, but when he gets to the kitchen he discovers to his etc etc

    #225352

    cwickham

    OUT OF GRIME

    Kryten discovers the ship is now spotlessly clean and his work is done. He decides to remedy this by having a dinosaur shit everywhere.

    #225357

    Dave

    OUT OF “OUT OF TIME” TIME

    Posters on the Ganymede & Titan forum realise they have run out of every conceivable joke to make involving Out Of Time.

    #225359

    Paul Muller

    OUT OF PRIME

    The crew battle to cancel their free Amazon Prime membership trial before the monthly fees kick in.

    #225360

    Rubber

    Ow! Tough Time

    Rimmer starts a fight club called ‘Tough Time’ and the crewmen strip to the waist and use physical violence against each other as a way of relieving their frustrations at being trapped in the same metal tomb together without much in the way of a fuck for the past three decades.

    #225361

    Rubber

    Owt of Time?

    Time goes missing and the crew look for it. ‘Have you seen anything of the time?’ asks a Yorkshire pudding dispenser during their search.

    #225362

    Dave

    OH, TOFF TIME

    Jacob Rees-Mogg becomes leader of the Conservative Party.

    #225364

    flanl3

    BALANCE OF POWDER:

    After the Dwarfers get back from Samsara, they decide that they should bury the ashes. The trouble is, the two urns they select have been linked by some quantumy quarky space shit (this is verified by the on-board computer) and if they have unequal masses of ash, both will explode. The boys must meticulously measure exactly the same amount of ash to avoid death. Will they be able to do it? The episode ends on a massively hilarious gag where Kryten mistakes the ashes in the urns for dust and sweeps up the urns and throws them into space because he’s stupid now too.

    #225365

    flanl3

    666:

    I should have made this joke in the last post, but this’ll do.

    The Dwarfers return to that dimension where Rimmer was about to be sacrificed once they realize that the 666th idea for an episode had just been posted and sacrificd Rimmer.

    #225366

    cwickham

    OUT OF BRINE

    The Dwarfers run out of brine.

    #225367

    flanl3

    BETTER LEAD THAN SHAG:

    Lister remarks that he’d rather drink contaminated water than screw Rimmer. Rimmer disbelieves him. Meanwhile, Krissie and Krytie put their differences aside to form the Kochanski & Kryten Kollective, and the KKK go and lynch the Cat and Lister. Rimmer is sad because he wanted to have sex with Cat and Lister.

    #225368

    cwickham

    OUT OF STINE

    The Dwarfers are distressed to realise they have never met the man who wrote hundreds of shitty children’s horror books.

    #225369

    Dave

    GRANARCHY

    The crew find Red Dwarf! It turns out that all along it had just been shrunk down to microscopic size by Kryten’s nan, who is called Granma Kryten and is also played by Robert Llewellyn.

    Meanwhile, Norman Lovett turns up and everyone in the audience cheers because they see the face of a man they last remember seeing quite a few years ago. That will definitely never happen in the show again, will it? No.

    #225370

    cwickham

    OUT OF KLEIN

    Lister discovers his real mother is a relatively obscure Doctor Who companion from the show’s expanded universe.

    #225371

    Rubber

    Oat of Time

    Lister makes Kryten search through half a cubic kilometre of oats in the cargo hold to find the one oat with amazing time travel properties.

    #225372

    Rubber

    Art of Time

    Salvador Dali visits the Dwarfers but leaves his pocket watch on the edge of the hot console.

    #225373

    bloodteller

    OUT OF CRIME- lister commits homicide, murder, assault, manslaughter,robbery, negligence, endangerment, kidnapping, arson and jaywalking. upon completing these tasks, lister realizes he can’t really do much worse than this. in one last act of law-breaking, he blows up Red Dwarf and everything on it, including himself.

    meanwhile, warwick davis is found in the waste disposal unit, inexplicably covered in crimson paint.

    #225374

    bloodteller

    BRANNARCHY- Brannagan, the ship’s psychiatrist, goes into a fit of jealous rage after being replaced by Lucas McLaren. He holds a gun to McLaren’s head until his position as psychiatrist is reinstated.

    Meanwhile, Todhunter wonders why nobody has seen him for about 3 decades.

    #225375

    bloodteller

    BRANARCHY- rimmer replaces the entire ship’s stock of cereal with All Bran. lister pulls out rimmer’s spinal column when he realizes the Sugar Puffs are gone.but was it an accident?

    meanwhile, the cat declares the fourth child and second son of Eddard and Catelyn Stark to be his favourite Game of Thrones character.

    #225377

    flanl3

    FLAT STANARCHY:

    The Dwarfers discover that a man named Stanley has been living on board Red Dwarf this whole time. One night, Lister drops a bulletin board or something on him to make him flat, but was it an accident? Flat Stanley gets real mad and takes over the ship, but since he’s only two-dimensional, he can do literally nothing, so the boys let him think he is in charge. Meanwhile, something about eating fruot in the snow.

    #225378

    flanl3

    OUT OF DIMES:

    Kryten no more ten-cent coins, so he kills the rest of the crew and steals theirs. Meanwhile, Hollister gets annoyed when Rimmer eats all the donuts then learns an important lesson about holograms when they come out as regular donuts, in a neat little stack, but nobody wants to eat them, to Hollister’s surprise, since they are all dead, so he eats them all and shits everywhere.

    #225379

    Dave

    THYME WEEV

    Searching for new ways to disguise the Space Weevil that he has been serving to Mr Lister for several days now, Kryten decides to flavour one with an aromatic perennial evergreen herb with culinary, medicinal, and ornamental uses.

    #225380

    Dave

    GRIME WAVE

    Lister gives up listening to Rastabilly Skank when he discovers the musical works of Stormzy and J Hus.

    #225381

    Dave

    OUT OF GRIME

    Lister runs out of Stormzy and J Hus records to listen to.

    #225382

    Dave

    GRIMESLIDES

    Lister uses photos of Stormzy and J Hus to travel back in time and tell them how much he enjoyed their work, and to ask if there is any more of it.

    #225383

    Dave

    GRIMENSION JUMP

    Lister travels to parallel universes to see whether Stormzy and J Hus made any other records there.

    #225384

    Dave

    THANKS FOR THE GRIMERY

    Lister pens a fan-letter to Stormzy and J Hus.

    #225385

    Dave

    BACK TO RASTABILLY

    Lister gets bored of Stormzy and J Hus records and goes back to listening to Rastabilly Skank.

    #225386

    Rubber

    Out of Tomb

    Rimmer takes Todhunter to visit the Rimmer family mausoleum on Io. When they arrive there they go into it and when they leave they go out of it. After spending months wrestling with his personal demons, vulnerable Todhunter can’t work out why Rimmer is being so nice to him. Is this a date? Todhunter is surprised to find he secretly hopes it is.

    #225387

    Rubber

    Toaster of London

    Surreal sitcom pilot in which Talkie Toaster stars as an impatient, inconsistently employed ham actor and voice-over artist living in Todhunter’s spare bedroom in Soho.

    #225388

    Ridley

    IT’LL BE ALL KRYTS ON THE NIGHT: The blue screen of Death uploads Kryten to Silicon Heaven and the mech watches all of his most embarrassing moments.

    #225389

    Dave

    NODDYSWAP

    When Noddy Holder suddenly finds himself wearing a blue hat with a bell on it and driving a red-and-yellow car through toytown, he realises that something has gone awry.

    #225391

    Ben Paddon

    ME TOO

    Lister, in dire need of alone time, decides to wander off and do his own thing. But whenever he says where he’s going, Kryten chimes in with a “Me too!” and joins him. Meanwhile, Rimmer swears at a rabbit jelly mould for seven minutes.

    #225393

    clem

    STICKER TOO WIDE

    Kryten reviews an Androids DVD.

    #225394

    clem

    QUEGG

    It’s Queeg but he’s got an egg-shaped head like that other Holly did in BITR3 for some reason. Meanwhile Lister can’t wait to tell Cat when he finds Junior Angler in the loft!

    #225396

    cwickham

    BOUT OF TIME

    The Dwarfers hold a death match between Abraham Lincoln and Mother Theresa by using the time drive.

    #225397

    cwickham

    GOUT OF TIME

    Lister is diagnosed with sentient gout which can tell the time.

    #225398

    cwickham

    POUT OF TIME

    Rimmer pouts, an expression which is so frightening it destroys time.

    #225399

    cwickham

    TOUT OF TIME

    Lister buys some tickets from a tout. Meanwhile, Rimmer questions what relevance ‘of time’ has to this episode.

    #225400

    Ridley

    PEAT PART POO

    Rimmer converts the Botanical Gardens into a touching floral tribute to his dead Dungo, I mean Dennis, I mean dad, but it attacked by vandals. Who are just Cat being awful with a dirty protest.

    Lister makes amends by staging a charity gig with a brand new Rimmer Mulchkin Song.

    #225402

    flanl3

    PEAT PART PEE:

    Rimmer’s botanical display fights back. Because flowers mutated over time into pissing flowers.

    #225404

    Dave

    CACK IN THE BED, FART TOO

    After shitting all over the sleeping quarters following a drunken bender, Lister reveals that he has added insult to injury by also letting rip a ‘silent but deadly’ in the immediate aftermath.

    #225406

    Rubber

    Stout of Time

    Over time, Lister puts on a bit of weight. Meanwhile, Kryten updates Kochanski’s hologram disc, activates it and tells an extremely distressed holo-Kochanski that she died in her sleep. She didn’t, though! It’s just a bit of a laugh. What a lad.

    #225407

    Ben Paddon

    AUDI TIME

    It’s time for the Dwarfers to trade in the ‘Bug for something a little more economical, so they head down to their local Audi dealer etc etc

    #225410

    Dave

    PRIME ORDEAL: SOUP

    Lister gets a free trial membership of Amazon Prime, and uses it to order a few tins of Heinz Oxtail for his lunch with free next-day delivery. However, he’s in the shower when the delivery droid arrives at Red Dwarf with the order, so it ends up being left with a neighbour and a missed-delivery cardboard notice is posted through Red Dwarf’s letterbox.

    Unfortunately, when Lister pops over to his neighbours, the GELFs, to collect his parcel, they’re out for the evening and he can’t get access to his lovely tins of soup, even though he can see the package clearly sitting there on their stairs, through the window of their front door.

    Dejected, Lister returns to Red Dwarf, without his soup, and cancels the bloody Amazon Prime membership as being more trouble than it’s worth. Only for Rimmer to appear and taunt Lister with his own soup-based joke from the end of ME2.

    #225411

    Rubber

    QE2g

    The Dwarfers take a transatlantic cruise on a luxury liner, only to discover that it’s run by Queeg! Out of the window go their dreams of satin sheets, poolside lolling and extravagant buffets, instead replaced by EARLY STARTS, poolside lolling and PEA ON TOAST. Meanwhile, Kochanski finds herself left behind on the Dwarf once again, lost in a strange parody episode limbo where nobody seems quite sure whether to include her as part of the regular crew or not. In her confusion she has a one-night stand with Captain Hollister and his massive American dick and thick American sperm.

    #225425

    Dave

    CRASSANDRA

    The Boys From The Dwarf encounter a computer that can foresee the future. She predicts that a discussion of imaginary episodes invented by a forum of Red Dwarf fans will be frequently peppered with crass, lewd and oddly explicitly sexual ideas by one forum member in particular, who seems to have some kind of sexual fixation with the show.

    #225437

    bloodteller

    ASSANDRA- 131 years in the future, the Dwarfers come across a ship inhabited by a large, shapely woman with a huge ass and massive breasts. the now-181 year old Lister successfully seduces her, but while attempting to remove her bra with his teeth, she trips, falls and crushes Lister with her massive rear end, resulting in him eventually suffocating to death.

    meanwhile, Blood Drinker is removed from the episode

    #225438

    bloodteller

    CHRISTMASSANDRA- it’s Christmas time onboard Red Dwarf! However, unlike last time it isn’t really poorly animated and Santa Claus doesn’t inexplicably show up. Instead, Rimmer spends a lovely Christmas with a nice girl called Sandra. At the end of it, they kiss under the mistletoe and she wishes him a happy new year. Unfortunately, Rimmer mishears this as “spit on my wrist” and his perfect Christmas comes crashing down.

    Meanwhile up in the Drive Room , Hollister is still hungry after his eighth helping of christmas dinner, so he stuffs, bastes, cooks and eats Todhunter.

    #225461

    Rubber

    Fuck in the Red

    Stuck in deep space in the distant future, unshackled by societal norms, behaviours and expectations, with access to VR and zero-gravity environments, the Dwarfers fuck lots and lots and lots and lots and lots. Meanwhile, libido-free Kryten smashes up his greenhouse when he realises pollen is just another word for ‘fuzzy orange semen’. Guest starring Nick Frost as Voice of Geranium.

    #225466

    flanl3

    FOAMING TWAT:

    Si-ten tries to revive an old joke. Meanwhile, Cat combines three butters under one cloche, and Lister “gets on a three-hour phone call with Rimmer because nobody liked his telegraph pole portfolio,” after which they both eject themselves from Red Dwarf, but was it an accident?

    #225473

    bloodteller

    MINTANGLED- cat is the only one who’s enough of a twat, so he finally takes the last after-eight mint. things take a turn for the worse when he is later beheaded by kryten. but was it an accident?

    meanwhile lister buys a big bag of strawberry lace candies but they’re all tangled up and it takes ages to separate them all

    #225475

    Rubber

    Hen Mangled

    Respectful poultry sacrifice turns out not to be Kryten’s forte.

    #225494

    Ridley

    HATING FOR GOD
    A fundamentalist lion arrives from the Cat ark being all “Greetings sons of Naylor and daughters of Grant” even though Kochanski isn’t there and the lion goes to great lengths to explain that she would be allowed to even though she’s only interested in boys and make-up.

    Turns out that Grant and Naylor were Cain and Abel-like Siamese cats (played by Kerry Shale) and you can kind of see the episode is trying to be a warning against assuming a character’s opinion is the same as the writer’s but most of the run time is just dedicated to bukkake sounding a bit like car keys.

    #225512

    bloodteller

    SHEET PART 2- lister eats some curry and folds sheets everywhere

    #225513

    bloodteller

    SLEET PART 2- the weather is bad. but was it an accident?

    #225514

    Dave

    THE MAN WITH THE RUBBER FLASK

    Danny John-Jules tries his hand at writing a tell-all biography about his days working on Red Dwarf, but somehow all of his anecdotes end up revolving around Dwayne Dibbley’s Thermos.

    #225515

    cwickham

    BLUE

    Kim Fuller reflects on the fact that he ended up writing the Postman Pat movie.

    #225516

    bloodteller

    SHREW- kochanski is in a bit of a bad mood, resulting in lister calling her a mildly offensive name

    meanwhile kryten breaks the neck of a small mole-like mammal and wears it around his neck to appear more fashionable. but was it an accident?

    #225517

    Rubber

    Blew

    Rimmer and Lister reminisce about that time Kryten was recovering from a tracheotomy and they had to inflate all the balloons for their wedding reception themselves.

    #225519

    Pete Part Three

    Poo

    Shit episode.

    #225521

    flanl3

    THE MAN IN THE RUBBER:

    The crew turn Rimmer off and stick his light bee in a condom, but was it an accident?

    #225522

    Hamish

    Good & Taste

    Snacky modifies one of the stasis booths so the Dwarfers can go back and time and make sure this thread never happens.

    #225523

    Dave

    IT’S WEDNESDAY NIGHT, IT’S AMATEUR HAMMOND ORGAN RECITAL NIGHT

    As a big fan of Top Gear, Rimmer decides to spend an entire evening poring over Richard Hammond’s medical records and identifying which of his internal organs are still intact and functional following a series of near-fatal crashes. He then reads this list out loud for no reason in particular.

    #225524

    Dave

    BLACK IN THE RED

    Cilla Black’s accountant warns the popular Blind Date presenter that she has fallen into debt.

    #225525

    bloodteller

    LEDBETTER THAN LIFE- The single most obscure character in Red Dwarf history makes an appearance, but the joke falls flat when not even G&T users know who the fuck he is.

    #225532

    Ben Paddon

    PRE-PETE, PART 1: A special episode looking at the origins of Birdman and Pete. Namely, the very important question of how the smeg he’s allowed to have a sodding sparrow on board when Lister etc etc

    #225534

    Dollar Pound

    PISS IRONS

    lister and cat awake from stasis. it’s the kind with the special jumpsuits and water bottles from series viii. they convene with kryten and rimmer and it turns out they’ve lost starbug and don’t know why but they’ve started picking up a bit of the old vapour trail again but also the problem is kryten’s run out of irons. he’s extremely unhappy about it and then lister finds a load of irons on the asteroid embedded in the ship’s hull but kryten ruins it by realising they are a type of gelf called piss irons which stands for pretend images showing supposedly irons. lister says you’re out of your smegging tree mate and the episode just ends but then the credits freeze and rimmer just screams someone already did piss irons on page one

    #225535

    Dollar Pound

    MICROGRAMMAWORLD

    kryten repairs the skipper and rimmer has another go with it and leaves for somewhere he likes. at first cat makes some snarky remark but then it turns out he actually can’t cope without rimmer so they rig up a gizmo for communicating with him interdimensionally but rimmer won’t come back because he just keeps saying everything is microgramma here and that it makes him feel safe or something. the cat commits suicide because he loves rimmer and kryten makes a snarky remark because it turns out he hated him all along but repressed it because he loves lister but ended up letting it slip and undermining everything. lister kills kryten because he loved cat and then kills himself. but the way they would do it it would be funny. bleak funny kind of thing

    #225539

    bloodteller

    once again, Dollar Pound wins

    #225543

    flanl3

    BUTTER:

    It has butt in it lol

    #225544

    flanl3

    BUTTER PART TWO:

    It has butt in it lol and the butt shits everywhere lol

    #225545

    flanl3

    BUTTER PART THREE:

    It has butt in it lol then the butt does a little dance and turns out not to be real lol

    #225663

    Dollar Pound

    FEW PROSECOS

    trying to eat his earing from series iv, a piece of cat’s tooth breaks off and skeeters off into a part of the ship they don’t go into because it looks iffy. they end up trapped in some mad sim’s spitonawristice field. kryten is trying to explain that, best guess, the spitonawristice field confuses its victims making them easy prey for wonky sim shooting by making them hear things that don’t sound like spitonawrist as spitonawrist but cat and lister can’t understand him because everything he says sounds like spitonawrist. rimmer’s unique neurosis means he already hears things wrong this way and it jams the machine cancelling out its protocols and turning inwards on the sim who turns into a multiarmed and tongued spitonawristical monster. they kill it to death with guns and celebrate with a few prosecos

    #225664

    Katydid

    BACK TO EARTH PART 4

    Oh no! Rimmer and Lister have been locked in a CGI corridor, and Kryten’s on vacation again? Can they keep each other sane for the week it’ll take for him to get back? Meanwhile, Cat falls in the water tank and drowns.

    #225665

    Dave

    BACK TO EARTH PART 5

    As the crew make their way back to Red Dwarf, they are greeted by Doug Naylor who then turns directly to camera and tells the audience that Back To Earth really is called Series IX after all.

    #225693

    flanl3

    THE SERIES XII REVERSIBLE COVER

    Series IX takes place after “Series X.” Kochanski’s dead and the crew are hurled through a portal and discover they’re just characters from a TV series. Knowing they will die in the final episode the Dwarfers, in best Blade Runner tradition, track down their creators to plead for more life. First the crew attempt to track down the actors who play them in the series, and their metaphysical odyssey begins…

    Only available in the UK.

    #225694

    flanl3

    DEREK

    The boys meet twelve guys not called Derek, but then name two of them Derek for an experiment, then name all of them Derek for the experiment, then name of one them Back to Derek for the experiment. All twelve Dereks sue over this exercise, but everybody tells them to fuck off because they all liked the experiment.

    #225698

    Dave

    DEAR DEREK

    Lister anxiously awaits the arrival of the next Post Pod as his mate Derek is meant to be writing back to him to let him know whether he considers Red Dwarf: Back To Earth to really be Red Dwarf Series IX or not.

    The final line proves controversial among Red Dwarf fans: “What an absolutely upstanding chap for referring to it as Series IX”.

    #225700

    flanl3

    The final line proves controversial among Red Dwarf fans: “What an absolutely upstanding chap for referring to it as Series IX”.

    Doug would never write that line.

    #225704

    Pete Part Three

    Red Dwarf Nein

    The crew travel back to Germany in 2007 to take part in a special episode of Red Dwarf. Doing so effectively retcons Back to Earth out of existence, sorts out the series numbering and gives the regulars of G+T something more exciting to talk about than the fucking mobisodes. So that’s alright, then.

    #225708

    Dollar Pound

    BACK TO GIRTH

    all post-pencil dwarf

    #225709

    Dollar Pound

    BACK TO NEUF

    a sobre round table discussion between the cast who are half in character and ainsley harriot chairing all about the complicated meta situation of the show’s ninth series. the whole thing is in french except for the first two words of the title and for rimmer who speaks a mixture of italian and german. a lone copy surfaced in a carboot sale in dagenham in 2004 with no public indication as to its provenance beyond that. it was auctioned at christie’s in 2005 for 5 pounds to Kochanski

    #225710

    Dollar Pound

    BACK TO PART ONE PART THREE

    following on from back to part one parts one and two in which the increptitude, intrepid crew sorry, find a meta porthole back to part one part one

    #225711

    Dollar Pound

    decrepitude

    #225714

    bloodteller

    GIVE AND BREAK- it’s rimmer’s birthday, so lister gives him a twix. in a rare act of kindness, rimmer splits it in half and offers to share it. however a fight breaks out between who gets the left twix and who gets the right twix, resulting in several frightening deaths and the destruction of Blue Midget. meanwhile kryten breaks every bone in kochanski’s body. but was it an accident?

    #225716

    Pete Part Three

    Give Hand Jobs

    Hoagie the Roguey gives the crew hand relief in exchange for money. Meanwhile, nothing else.

    #225718

    Dollar Pound

    meanwhile: back in the back back back

    #225719

    Dollar Pound

    TIME LIDS

    kryten makes a time machine out of some old lids of tupperware containers and jam jars and a stop watch selotaped on badly with his big fucking hands but the timefield of the temporal quantamiser temporarily destabilises, forcing it inside out so that instead of travelling through time the machine now times his travel in that if he presses start and stop on the stop watch before and after locomotion he always knows how long it took. rimmer burns kryten’s time machine because the pathetic sound of the tupperware flapping around with the shitty stopwatch with all selotape gets on his nerves that much. kryten teleports into rimmer’s light bee and tells him to fuck off inside his own head

    #225722

    Dave

    CRY TEA TV

    Kryten injects hot tea into the tear ducts of every member of the crew and then forces them to watch Beaches so that the scalding beverage immediately spews forth. He collects it in cups and makes them drink it. While filming the whole thing.

    #225723

    Dollar Pound

    KRYTIE-T-T-TV

    a bloody knight’s got out of the ar again and it’s lister’s fault to sort it. he wearily twats it with a bazooka. when he gets back rimmer’s got a pan stuck on his face and no-one will help him

    #225726

    Dollar Pound

    KRYKRYTIEKURRY TV

    kryten is expected to eat a poor curry cooked with contempt by eternal. he pompously puts the whole thing down to a disturbance in the pop culture continuum and then rimmer lambasts him for saying continuum and all saints make him some horrid pasta and he cries

    #225728

    Dave

    KrYTV

    Angus Deayton and Geoffrey Perkins guest-star in a now-dated satire of 90s satellite television.

    #225734

    flanl3

    STD: SOON TO DIE:

    Rimmer trips over his Hedge, Earwax, Rope, Pinecone and Elephant Shit collection and into a button which activates Red Dwarf’s Automatic Internal Deactivation System. The boys have two options, either they can Go Off Nowhere Or Remain Redboard and Have Enother Ago at keeping the Dwarf from self-destructing. Meanwhile, Holly is annoyed by Hollister outranking him, so he removes his “ster” to make them just about the same, but was it an accident?

    #225736

    Dollar Pound

    have enother ago

    #225741

    bloodteller

    ONLY THE FUDD- lister digitally alters every looney tunes cartoon in existence so that elmer fudd is the only remaining character. he explains that its not in his headcanon that bugs bunny exists, and is subsequently murdered by baxter for being so bloody picky about continuity.

    meanwhile rimmer buys various lunchmeats. but was it an accident?

    #225742

    bloodteller

    DEAR KRAVE- lister writes a letter to his favourite cereal company telling them how much he likes the little wheaty ones with chocolate sauce in the middle. to his surprise he gets a reply, but it’s just the krave PR department asking him to stop sending so many bloody letters

    #225749

    flanl3

    have enother ago

    spit on her wrist

    #225766

    cwickham

    DIVE & TAKE

    Rimmer relives his childhood memories of having to pick a brick up from the bottom of the swimming pool.

    #225770

    flanl3

    CLIVE & JAKE:

    Lister and Rimmer rename themselves and start a talk show. Meanwhile, Kryten eats Cat, regurgitates the remains, and arranges them very neatly in Clive & Jake’s quarters, but was it an accident?

    #225771

    Dave

    SPIV AND CAKE

    Private Walker from Dad’s Army arrives in a stasis pod, and immediately starts trying to impress the crew by telling them he can get them more butter, flour, sugar and eggs than their ration-books allow.

    #225772

    bloodteller

    OFFICER KRAMER- kramer from seinfeld somehow beams onboard red dwarf. as it transpires he is actually an officer and so outranks rimmer. kramer uses his newfound authority to make the ship all fun and interesting, and everyone has a bit of a dance. now it’s up to rimmer to finally pass the engineer’s exam so he can outrank kramer and go back to making everyone’s lives really fucking miserable

    meanwhile captain hollister eats roast potatoes with indecent enthusiasm. but was it an accident?

    #225773

    bloodteller

    NIVEN TAKE- lister discovers a previously unheard of deleted scene from the pink panther (the 1963 one not the crap steve martin reboot) where David Niven eats a mustard sandwich. the dwarfers attempt to sell the scene on eBay to raise a budget for their own movie, only to be thwarted when they realise eBay hasn’t existed for around 3,000,000 years and the scene was crap anyway

    #225774

    flanl3

    BACK TO EARTH:

    The ship turns around so that it’s facing away from Earth.

    #225775

    Dave

    SERIES IX

    The ship turns around so that it’s facing away from Earth.

    #225778

    flanl3

    BLACK TO EARTH:

    Rimmer is racist and doesn’t want anybody who’s not white on the ship, so he activates a teleporter that sends Lister and Cat to Earth, which they then realize they should have done a lot sooner. Meanwhile, Kryten has a BDSM threesome with Kochanski and Bent Bob, but was it an accident?

    #225779

    Pete Part Three

    Give and Stake

    Buffy arrives and slays the guy with the big teeth, who I guess is vampire? Meanwhile, this thread continues to lumber on.

    #225781

    Pete Part Three

    Give and Bake

    something something Mary Berry ah fuck off

    #225782

    Dollar Pound

    TAKE

    cat version

    #225783

    cwickham

    GIVE & RAKE

    Sideshow Bob arrives on the ship and spends the entire half-hour stepping on rakes. Doug is sued by 20th Century Fox for not seeking permission to use the character, even though he is played by Kelsey Grammer in a wig – but was it an accident?

    #225784

    Dollar Pound

    GIVE

    kryten remix

    #225785

    Dollar Pound

    AND

    lister glue

    #225786

    Dollar Pound

    traumatic cypher

    RIMMER

    #225788

    Dave

    POLYMORPH IV: TIMEWAVE II

    When a Polymorph once again attacks the ship, Rimmer’s inner critic decides to reform the Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society. One drawback with that, the abbreviation is SPITONAWRIST.

    #225791

    Katydid

    Holospit

    A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between Rimmer and Commander Crane.

    #225792

    si

    Holyshit

    A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between Rimmer and Commander Binks.

    #225796

    flanl3

    Hollyship

    A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between Holly and the Enlightenment.

    #225797

    Dave

    SNACKYSHIP

    A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between the Enlightenment’s computer, Stocky, and robot dispensing droid Snacky (he has… Snackastic capabilities).

    #225799

    Ben Paddon

    HOLBYSHIP

    A special crossover episode of etc etc

    #225800

    Rubber

    Hollowship

    The crew find a ship with nothing inside it and it kills some of them, wonder which ones, probably not the robot one I expect

    #225801

    Rubber

    You can’t kill a robot

    #225802

    Rubber

    they go on forever

    #225803

    Rubber

    like this thretc

    #225804

    Rubber

    Hello ship

    The crew encounter another ship and send out a generic greeting to it

    #225805

    Rubber

    Hallo ship

    The crew try the greeting in a different accent

    #225806

    Rubber

    Hullo ship

    The crew try the greeting in a more northern accent

    #225807

    Rubber

    Halo ship

    The other ship kills them and they go to heaven and become angels

    #225808

    Rubber

    Quite ITV

    I’m worried about Iain Lee’s well-being :’(

    #225809

    bloodteller

    PARASOL UNIVERSE- the crew go to a universe where everything is exactly the same except everyone owns and uses a parasol, except holly who has a little paper umbrella sticking out of the top of his/her head

    #225810

    bloodteller

    PARANOID UNIVERSE- the crew go to universe where everyone is listers paranoia. lister cant be doing with all the negativity around him so he grabs a magnum and kills all the paranoias to death

    #225811

    bloodteller

    POLAROID UNIVERSE- the crew go to a universe where kodak never existed

    #225812

    bloodteller

    PARALLEL PARKING UNIVERSE- the crew go to a universe where lister is trying to get his starbug inbetween two gelf gunships but he accidentally scrapes the rear bumper of one of them and the gelfs file an insurance claim

    #225813

    Rubber

    Ouroboroz

    Lister crashes Starbug in a strange pastoral world and finds his dreads have become pigtails. He walks along a yellow brick road with his terrier, Totodhunter, and meets Cat, a brainless scarecrow, Kryten, a heartless tin man, and Rimmer, a cowardly lion. Cat asks why he can’t be the lion because he is a Cat and everyone wonders if the characterisation works better if Cat and Rimmer swap roles although Kryten’s one sort of works and there’s an evil witch who is Kochanski and the whole idea runs out of steam a bit

    #225814

    Rubber

    The Inquiz

    As above but everyone’s black

    #225815

    bloodteller

    PARMESAN UNIVERSE- the crew go to a parallel universe where they are all at a restaurant. the waitress says “say when” when grating their cheese. they never say when. The room fills with parmesan. there are no survivors.

    #225816

    Rubber

    Poo-a-LOL Universe

    That poo Cat did in Rimmer’s wardrobe in Me2 and the poo he did in Dear Dave fall in love and get married. At first everyone is disgusted by the age difference but eventually they come to appreciate what a strong union it is. Then Kryten bleaches the whole ship and they die.

    #225817

    Dollar Pound

    SELLOSHIP

    sticky business for those ‘boys from the dwarf’ now on bbc2 as they encounter a ship made all of sellotape

    #225819

    Rubber

    Gallowship

    Rimmer’s bored so he hangs his crewmates

    #225820

    Rubber

    Choleraship

    Lister finds a jug of cholera in Peterson’s quarters. He shits a lot until dehydration sets in and he becomes a pile of dust which Kryten sweeps up, pours into a little cigarette case and shoved up his mechanus

    #225821

    Rubber

    ‘Allo ‘Alloship

    The crew find themselves in occupied France in World War II, where they are shot

    #225822

    Rubber

    Mmmm, Cor!

    Rimmer and Cat realise they have much fitter bodies than their crewmates and start working out together and having gay sex with each other and nobody can really object to it even though it makes them feel a bit uncomfortable and Kryten calls Cat a necro and Rimmer punches him and Kryten bleeds blood from his nose and they realise it was just a man in a costume all along and jettison him into space and Rimmer rims Cat in the bottom bunk while Lister tries to get to sleep in the top one but can’t because of the little lapping noises

    #225823

    clem

    And the Cat says “Good crispies, man!”

    #225824

    flanl3

    THE INK-WHIZZING DOOR:

    We open on an explicit sex scene on one of Red Dwarf’s rarely visited floors between a despair squid and a polymorph. It ends with a baby squidymorph squirming its way out of the polymorph, which shapeshifted to a vagina for these purposes. The crew don’t suspect anything when the bunkroom suddenly has a functioning door again until one time they nearly stab it by accident and it pisses ink everywhere, but was it an accident?

    #225825

    Rubber

    Listerine

    Starbug crashes and Lister’s cock is completely severed by a splinter of windscreen glass. Back on the Dwarf, Lister has a sex change and becomes a woman called Listerine. He pretends he really wants to be a girl but actually it’s just because he feels less manly without his cock although of course he isn’t, gender is in the mind and not the body. His crewmates are supportive of the transition and he gets lots of nice cards from them.

    #225826

    Ben Paddon

    BACK TO EARTH IN THE RED

    The ship returns to Earth, where Lister discovers that Norweb Federation goof from Series 1 wasn’t quite the Aprils Fools jape Holly made it out to be at the time.

    #225828

    Dave

    BACK TO EARTH IN THE RED TO REALITY

    Holly reveals that the events of BACK TO EARTH IN THE RED were actually just an elaborate ruse on his part and the whole thing *was* an April Fool after all, thus restoring the joke.

    #225829

    Rubber

    Back to Earth in the Red to Reality Wards

    And then they do some hospital visits and give Christmas toys to little kiddies with cancer.

    #225830

    bloodteller

    BLIGHTY TV- the crew manage to pick up some BBC2 broadcasts from the late 90s. to their shock they see some crude impersonators of themselves doing a game of basketball in prison and wearing all horrid yellow outfits as well as kryten abusing women

    #225831

    bloodteller

    NIGHTIE TV- kochanski watches some telly in her nightwear

    #225832

    bloodteller

    KNIGHTY TV- one of the knights has escaped the bloody AR machine again and has started his own show where he stares at women in the shower. lister thwarts the evil knight by making him stand under a showerhead til he rusts and dies

    #225833

    Rubber

    Aphrodite TV

    Lister puts on a dress and sings songs from Kylie’s 11th studio album. Meanwhile, Cat has a wank.

    #225834

    Ben Saunders

    The Spanish Inquisitor

    Nobody expects The Spanish Inquisitor

    #225837

    flanl3

    UKIE TV:

    The BBC are no longer interested in the audiences Krytie TV used to attract, so another channel picks it up, and the BBC get jealous and try to buy the channel.

    #225839

    Dave

    SHITE-Y TV

    The same as Krytie TV, but with a more honest name.

    #225840

    Rubber

    TV Krytie

    Kryten starts dressing as a woman but nobody notices because female mechanoids basically dress the same as male ones. Meanwhile,

    #225841

    Rubber

    Black Wards

    The Dwarfers visit a hospital in 20th century America where Kevin Eldon ensured the civil rights movement never happened for unobvious reasons

    #225842

    Rubber

    Red Dwarf Ex

    Rimmer’s dead, so they exorcise him. Lister’s fat, so they exercise him.

    #225843

    Rubber

    A Very Starbug Christmas

    Starbug croons Christmas standards for an hour and a half while Blue Midget does interpretative dance in the background to remind us of the less fortunate at this special time of year. Guest starring Seth MacFarlane as Voice of Starsmug.

    #225844

    Rubber

    Kristmas Kochanski

    Kochanski gets pregnant without having proper sex and has a baby which is generally considered to be the son of God and of course it’s also Lister, Lister is therefore the son of God by common consent although where’s the actual proof well he’s the god of the Cat people and thanks to the Trinity or whatever that kind of proves it because God is His son and His son is God or some such caveat and although these are different branches of faith they sort of work together and the whole thing seems very watertight or at least watertight enough for it to spawn a bunch of religions and so all are strong of faith and Christmas is a legitimate day off work although the actual date may be a bit wrong but it’s close enough and this is quite an unusual episode of Red Dwarf tbh, it’s good that they’re trying new things though.

    #225867

    flanl3

    LAST HUMAN:

    Lister finally realizes that he is not the last human alive, although he is likely the last human ever conceived. Also, wait a moment, even if we just take his ‘last human’ line from Skipper to mean that he’s the last one he’s aware of and technically therefore could be the last one, does that mean that they have found Kochanski confirmably dead off-screen, or is that just an indicationthat he knows she could have not survived for a while out there in space, and has accepted it?

    #225868

    Dave

    LAST POO-MAN

    When Lister gets an extended bout of constipation he becomes depressed at the thought that he may have shitted his last shit, and thus become the last human being in history to have done a ‘number two’. While Kryten is pleased to not have to clean Mr Lister’s skids and scrub his toilet-pans, he simply cannot bear to see him so distraught. So he slips a laxative into his hot chocolate. But when Rimmer switches the cups and Cat drinks from Lister’s

    #225869

    Dave

    mug, the feisty feline discovers what shirt tails are for. Oh, and there’s a toilet-roll shortage.

    #225870

    Dave

    CACK TO REALITY

    Lister suddenly recovers from his constipation.

    #225871

    Ridley

    BACK IN THE RED CHRISTMAS

    Hogey the Poguey. #You Gwenlan, you smegger, you keelled my brother…

    #225872

    Dave

    SHOWADDYWADDY BOP

    When Lister agrees to have Rimmer’s mind transplanted into his body, he is horrified when the first thing Rimmer does is make Lister’s body listen to some crap 1950s Rock’n’roll covers as recorded by a 1970s novelty act from Leicester.

    #225883

    Hamish

    > Ouroboroz … etc… etc… etc…

    http://www.ganymede.tv/2007/04/ukg2s-110-dwarf-weekend/

    #225885

    Rubber

    They used a time machine to travel to the future and stole my idea?!

    #225892

    Hamish

    Steal Me From Rubber

    UKTV G2 uses a time machine to go ten years into the future to steal the idea of a Wizard of Oz Red Dwarf parody from a forum poster most known for posting episode ideas featuring lurid descriptions sexual debauchery.

    Meanwhile, stuff on Red Dwarf happens.

    #225898

    Dave

    BACK IN THE THREAD: PART THREE

    G&T forum members desperately keep posting in the “idea for an episode” thread in the hope of reaching 1,000 posts and thus triggering a third page.

    But was it an accident?

    #225901

    Rubber

    Back in the Thread: Part 828

    The continuum continuums. Meanwhile, a ghost takes over a leisure centre.

    #225904

    bloodteller

    DRIVEN TAKE- lister needs some balm for his chapped lips so he nips down to Boots to get some but its a long way so rimmer takes him there by driving him in his new ford escort

    #225905

    Dave

    GOVE & SAKE

    On a diplomatic visit to Japan, the current Environment Secretary gets pissed.

    #225906

    bloodteller

    FETA BREAD THAN SMEG- The crew are faced with a tough choice- eat some greek cheese on a lovely slice of granary, or willingly eat their own smeg? They all choose the former when nobody can agree on what “smeg” is.

    #225907

    bloodteller

    FLORASHIP- The crew find a ship made entirely out of butter. Rimmer is creamed onboard.

    #225908

    bloodteller

    DIMENSIONS IN TIME JUMP- The crew are hurled back in time to 1993 where they star in that bloody awful Doctor Who special where they were all on Eastenders or something.

    Some 16 years later, the crew all appear on Coronation Street and realise they have sunk just as low.

    #225909

    Pete Part Three

    Tits

    #225915

    flanl3

    NIPEN TAKE:

    nipster nips some balm for his nipped nips so he nips down to Nips to get some but its a long way so nipper nips him there by nipping him in his nip ford nipscort

    #225926

    Hamish

    Nippon Take

    The Dwarfers go back to Japan in the year 2009 to meet the actors that play them in the Japanese dub of the show. Then Richard O’Callaghan shows up and shoots them all, and they start recreating scenes from the 80’s science fiction visual blockbuster Akira for no good reason at all.

    #225927

    Dave

    BACK IN A BIT

    Compilation of all the adverts shown during the ad breaks in the Dave era.

    #225929

    Ben Saunders

    LAST YOOMAN

    Craig Charles’ Liverpudlian accent makes a reappearance

    #225930

    Rubber

    Ghostwatch

    Sarah Greene spends the night with Rimmer in a council house in north London while Lister twats about outside.

    #225932

    flanl3

    BETTER THAN ‘LIKE’:

    Kryten expresses his true feelings for Lister. Meanwhile, Cat ends up dead with forty-five knives in all parts of his body, and the CCTV footage shows that Rimmer hurled them all at him while shrieking “die, die, you fucking twat! rot in hell, you cloche-shaped welt on the reputation of this crew! die, die!,” but was it an accident?

    #225934

    Dave

    HAMILLE

    When the crew of Red Dwarf encounter a shape-shifting alien, everyone sees it as something different. Lister sees it as Luke Skywalker; Rimmer sees it as the Joker from Batman: The Animated Series; Kryten sees it as Will Tasker from Slipstream; and Cat sees it as that guy out of the Wing Commander games.

    #225935

    Dave

    And that one.

    #225936

    Rubber

    The And

    Rimmer&
    Lister&
    Cat&
    Kryten get one of those Helvetica ampersand personnel list shirts made and Holly and Kochanski bitch about not being included on it. Meanwhile, Yewtree are sniffing around Birdman again.

    #225937

    Rubber

    The Bland

    Another chance to see toothless BBC Two transsexual sitcom Boy Meets Girl.

    #225952

    flanl3

    BB-CORP:

    Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat become unable to see or hear anything from the Dave era and Dave Lister, and are immediately jumped back in time to exactly where “Only the Good…” left off. Meanwhile, Lister has been hiding Kochanski in the air vent in the sleeping quarters, and she mews, indicating her presence, so Lister takes her out and feeds her and shows her his testicle and pictures of Fiji, but was it an accident?

    #225965

    Dave

    WAITING FOR COD

    Oh Lennon, look what’s happened to McCartney. But was it an accident?

    #225966

    flanl3

    McCodney, you fool.

    #225967

    Dave

    It’s cod outside.

    #225969

    flanl3

    Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, and Cod.

    #225970

    Matt Damon

    Matt Damon

    #225971

    bloodteller

    DAMON JUMP- the crew jump to the bottom of a G&T thread and discover the most recent comment is about Matt Damon

    #225972

    flanl3

    & also by Matt Damon.

    #225973

    bloodteller

    PLEAT PART 2- kryten finishes off his laundry duties with the most ambitious folding technique ever

    #225974

    flanl3

    Codbining three opinions into one

    #225975

    bloodteller

    FEET PART 1: long awaited sequel to the really good fanfilm on the Series VII DVD

    #225976

    bloodteller

    FEET PART 2: the giant foot monster eats some curry and does a big poo

    #225977

    bloodteller

    PARALLELOGRAM UNIVERSE- the crew wind up in a dimension where everything is a certain four-sided shape

    #225978

    bloodteller

    PARKAY UNIVERSE- the crew wind up in a universe where everything is made out of rather crap margarine.

    meanwhile, rimmer is whipped, stirred, beaten and oiled until he becomes some lovely thick butter. but was it an accident? no.

    #225990

    Rubber

    Bummerworld

    Lister takes a trip to the mythical ‘Freedom Boulevard’ with a view to go ‘cruising down [it]’ but is horrified to learn that it’s a predominantly ‘bent’ district full of men who keep hitting on him. In his rage and confusion he ends up punching a waitress in the face. It’s not a very distinguished episode of Red Dwarf but it fleshes out the character a bit.

    #225992

    Dave

    THE ‘LAST’ DAY

    After losing a bet, Lister is forced to listen to Rimmer’s James Last record collection for a full 24 hours. They subsequently argue over whether James Last is a real person or just part of Rob Grant and Doug Naylor’s ‘worldbuilding’ for the show.

    #225993

    Dave

    RED IN THE BACK

    Sequel to ‘Quarantine’. Lister examines Kryten for damage, in the wake of being him attacked by holovirus Rimmer. Lister finds a large mark on Kryten’s spinal column. But was it an axe dent?

    #226001

    Katydid

    THE LAST GAY

    Ziggy Briceman has a big adventure. A big, hard adventure.

    #226009

    bloodteller

    FAST HUMAN- In order to lose a bit of weight, Lister takes up jogging. Oddly enough, he’s actually quite speedy and can do 100 meters in just under 9 seconds. To further help his weight loss program, Kryten forces Lister to stop eating meals altogether. The dangerous combination of both being fast and fasting kills Lister, unsurprisingly.

    Meanwhile, Rimmer falls down an elevator shaft. But was it an accident?

    #226012

    Ben Saunders

    >The ‘Last’ Day

    Meta.

    #226016

    flanl3

    THE LAST TRAY:

    Kryten runs out of trays so starts serving all meals in construction hats. Meanwhile, Kryten finds all the real cloches on fire in the garbage hold, but was it an accident?

    #226018

    bloodteller

    BASTE HUMAN- Kryten inexplicably keeps pouring meat tenderizer all over Lister while he sleeps. Lister is initially apathetic about the whole thing, but becomes distressed when he wakes up inside the slow cooker surrounded by potatoes, with a massive onion up his bum.

    Meanwhile, Cat takes some lessons on road safety. Rimmer mocks him, saying there are no roads in space. But was it an accident?

    #226019

    bloodteller

    CHASTE HUMAN- Lister declares he’s going to stop having sex. Everyone is confused because it’s not like he really has sex anyway. Kryten sheepishly looks away as Lister reveals that Kryten’s been sucking him off with his groinal attachment twice daily for the past 28 years. But was it all an accident?

    Meanwhile,, Cat passes his driving test and gets his first car. It’s a bit shit, but he likes it anyway.

    #226020

    Ben Paddon

    THREADWARDS:

    Basically everything you’ve just read, but in reverse order.

    #226029

    bloodteller

    CELEBRITIES DISFIGURED PART 2- craig charles goes to a red dwarf convention and shits everywhere

    #226037

    Ben Saunders

    THE END:

    The entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf are killed by a radiation leak. But was it an accident?

    #226040

    Dollar Pound

    N/A

    lister wakes up on his spacebike in uncharted deep space and surmises he has lost starbug to persons or lifeforms unknown and fell asleep for a bit. when he sees a space station he is grateful because he needs a shave. his host is a norwegian in a teal green diving suit and oriental mask who explains he is a cross between heidegger and a quail and has been working on his N/A machine out here in uncharted Deep Space. Lister is non-plussed by the machine which barely seems applicable to anything, fashioned as it was from selotape, a hardhat and some tupperware lids, and decides to jog on when suddenly the machine turns him into a curry.

    #226042

    Dollar Pound

    THE BUG LINEN

    kryten wakes up or whatever and realises that the whole of starbug’s linen is lost to persons or lifeforms unknown. the crew are in suspended animation because there’s nowhere proper to lie down but now they’re onto the vapour trail again. they find a spacestation which is good because they all need a shit. their hosts are deborah meadon and her quails. the machine is supposed to turn them into a curry but it just sets off a small fire. she storms off but her quails lead them to the missing linen. they are so grateful to meadon’s quails that they forgot about the fire and they all die.

    #226043

    flanl3

    DEFLATION:

    Cat, but was it an accident? Not according to you lot.

    #226044

    Dollar Pound

    ONLY THIS THREAD

    now on bbc 2 the crew of the [steals herself] red dwarf discover the only place on the internet where it’s acceptable to write in capitals

    #226065

    Ben Saunders

    GANYMEDE & WHO

    A fansite for Rimmer’s favourite television program devolves into Doctor Who discussion instead. Meanwhile, Lister has to name all the moons of Jupiter or his bollocks will explode.

    #226066

    Dave

    DAI MENSCH AND JUMP

    The crew meet a Welsh bloke who’s a real stand-up guy, and who regales them with a karaoke version of Van Halen’s 1984 mega-hit.

    #226080

    Rubber

    Hol o’ slip

    Lister slips his dick inside Holly and nine months later she has a little baby Hollister. Meanwhile, Cat goes away but comes back the very next day.

    #226081

    Rubber

    Delighty TV

    The crew watch Detectorists and everyone agrees that it’s about ten thousand times more enjoyable than watching Red Dwarf. Meanwhile, Christmas hits Todhunter hard so he has another crack at doing himself in, this time using a hydraulic door-opening mechanism.

    #226082

    bloodteller

    BRASSBANDRA- The Canaries inexplicably discover the Gangbé Brass Band at the bottom of a lunar sea. Everyone is delighted until they discover that their instruments don’t work at the bottom of the sea as there is no oxygen. Then everyone drowns.

    Meanwhile, Todhunter discovers that “Tod” is German for “Death” and all of a sudden Rubber’s jokes make a lot more sense. But was this an accident?

    #226084

    Dave

    HOLO’REILLY

    Basil and Sybil decide to take a short vacation while their hotel is undergoing renovation, but incompetent builders have Basil scrambling to keep their issues from Sybil.

    Oh and they’re all dead.

    #226085

    cwickham

    SYMES-COR-IA

    One of the G&T admins reacts when seeing how many replies this thread now has.

    #226086

    Dave

    SYMESLIDES

    A G&T admin goes to the park.

    #226087

    Dave

    SYMEWAVE

    A G&T admin deletes any posts that disagree with him.

    #226088

    Dave

    OUT OF SYMES

    I’m struggling for more of these ideas.

    #226092

    bloodteller

    SYMESARA: a G&T admin has lots of hardcore sex until he dies.

    #226097

    Rubber

    J-Hoare

    The G&T admin with the sexiest voice buys the JMC and starts wearing a lot of white.

    #226098

    Rubber

    Krytee TV

    Peripheral character Max Branning gets more lines than series regular ‘The’ Cat.

    #226099

    cwickham

    SYMESIS LEAK

    [This description omitted on grounds of taste.]

    #226101

    Rubber

    Can of Symes

    A G&T admin is ejaculated from a female [actually, was its biological gender ever confirmed? I forget] polymorph, piped inside Danny John-Jules and left to gestate for an unspecified period until he pops out of DJJ’s anus or urethra as a hedgehog wearing a top hat sitting inside a tiny wickle shopping trolley. Meanwhile, Kryten anaesthetises Kochanski, amputates her eyelids and times how long it takes until her eyeballs become unbearably dry and she starts screaming in pain.

    #226103

    bloodteller

    SINUS LEAK- All mucus and phlegm starts coming out of Lister’s nose and he can’t stop it. Kryten comes round to help, but a particularly violent sneeze results in the both of them drowning.

    meanwhile, Hollister decides to pack it in and goes back to selling crap t-shirts

    #226108

    Rubber

    Minus Leek

    Wales gets independence from the rest of the UK and the fancy new pound coin has to be redesigned. Meanwhile, Todhunter adjusts to having lost the entire left side of his body after being sliced vertically in half by that door during his latest suicide attempt, and is pleased to find that a single bunk is now as roomy as a double bed.

    #226109

    Rubber

    Quaaaarrrrrggggh!

    Holly blacks up and screams at the crew for a week for a bit of a laugh

    #226110

    Ben Saunders

    ACCIDENT

    But was it an accident?

    #226113

    Hamish

    WHAT ACCIDENT?

    Rimmer ask Cat a question.

    #226114

    Hamish

    BACK TO EDIT:

    The edit button on the forum gets fixed and I and everyone else gets to fix all those posts we did not proofread properly.

    #226115

    Dave

    HEN OF HONOUR

    When Lister and Rimmer become stranded together on a snow-planet in Starbug, Lister’s grip on reality starts to loosen to the point where he refuses to satisfy his hunger by eating a chicken, as he believes said animal to be an important foreign dignitary.

    #226116

    Katydid

    STAR KNOT

    Rimmer fails his astro-navs yet again when he can’t remember what a star knot is.

    #226117

    Pete Part Three

    Boring Setup

    Leading to hilarious consequences.

    #226118

    Dave

    HERE NO WEEVIL

    Kryten’s search for a tasty dinner for Mr Lister turns out fruitless.

    #226119

    Dave

    RED DWARF EYE EGGS

    Due to a freak reality storm, every member of the Red Dwarf crew has their eyes replaced by eggs. Meanwhile, fans argue over whether this is what they should really call ‘Back To Earth’.

    #226120

    Pete Part Three

    Chippy Chippy Bang Bang

    Chippy gets off with a lady medical scanner, but then contracts a sexually transmitted computer virus. Too embarrassed to seek medical assistance, he decides to treat himself. His self-diagnosis causes him to explode because of the paradox. You know, like the video camera in Tikka to Ride. Hilarious, no? No. Fuck off.

    #226121

    cwickham

    HERE NO MEDIEVAL

    Director’s cut of “Stoke Me a Clipper” where the ending no longer involves a virtual reality knight.

    #226137

    Dave

    HAIR NOW EVEL

    A mutated bottle of shampoo that has been sitting on the shelf of a Red Dwarf shower cubicle for years turns out to have barely-plausible properties when Lister takes a shower and promptly finds his dreadlocks transformed into 1970s stunt motorcyclist Evel Knievel.

    Evel promptly tries to use Kryten’s space-bike to jump over Red Dwarf’s ram scoop, but is sucked in and dies instantly, leaving Lister with no hair and a dead body on his hands.

    #226138

    cwickham

    BEER NO EVIL

    Lister decides that beer is, in fact, good. He has some with his curry.

    #226144

    flanl3

    LUNG DIED:

    Lister diesafter his lungs stop functioning because he smokes. Rimmer concludes that the proper way to mourn is sticking a “no smoking” label on the casket. Meanwhile, Kryten rams his broom right up Cat’s arse, but was it an accident?

    #226145

    flanl3

    FUT-HOARE ECHOES:

    A G&T admin watches like twelve Ians Symes walk through a door and screams

    #226146

    flanl3

    BACK TO THREAD PAGE TWO:

    Clicking on the name of this thread finally takes me to the right place.

    #226147

    flanl3

    PHWOAR AT TEEN:

    The boys discover an isolated strain of the virus that turns you into a pedophile, but was it an accident?

    #226148

    Dave

    SPACE CORPS SURVIVAL MANUEL

    Guest-starring Andrew Sachs as a hardened space-marine. From Barcelona.

    #226149

    bloodteller

    FEW CHER ECHOES- The crew hear the faint sounds of If I Could Turn Back Time and mistakenly believe that legendary pop goddess Cher is somewhere on the ship. Turns out Lister just left his CD player on, but was it an accident? Yes.

    #226150

    bloodteller

    MUTE CHER ECHOES- The crew locate the CD player and turn it off.

    Meanwhile Cat is found folded neatly within the trouser press in his quarters. But was it an accident?

    #226151

    Rubber

    I dent titty with inn

    Kochanski accidentally walks into the side of a pub and bruises her bosom. Meanwhile, Holly decimalises fascism.

    #226152

    Rubber

    Tongue Turd

    Kryten finds himself in a socially difficult position when he’s caught with a quantity of Lister’s faeces in his little mechanoid mouth. Meanwhile, Rimmet’s light bee does a little dance to show where the nearest pollen is and he looks like a right prancing tit. Guest starring Neil Morrissey as Voice of Fart.

    #226153

    Rubber

    Emohoare: Johnnymorph II

    The sexiest G&T admin visits the ship disguised as a number of disparate domestic objects with the intention of leeching off the crew’s emotions so as to better understand their motivations and help him write incredibly detailed and penetrating character analyses for the website. Initially hostile to the interloper, the crew are soon won over by his charm and adorableness and are only too happy to assist. Meanwhile, everyone can smell cum.

    #226154

    bloodteller

    OUT OF MINE- the crew of Red Dwarf actually attempt to do some bloody mining for once. they succeed and get some lovely ores and then leave the mine.

    meanwhile, Kochanski is found with her entire body compressed into a single bottle of fizzy drink in order to “feel like a Vimto”. lister ends up drinking her, but was it an accident?

    #226155

    bloodteller

    TROUT OF MINE- rimmer finds a trout and claims it as his own. but then cat eats it

    meanwhile, george mcintyre lets his hairy dick hang out for the entire episode and there are hairs on the shaft

    #226156

    flanl3

    SNOUT OF PRIME:

    Lister signs up for Amazon Prime and they send him a hooter, so he unsigns up. Meanwhile, Cat sticks his bum out an airlock, but was it an accident?

    #226157

    flanl3

    STAR KNOT:

    Rimmer skips to a dimension where Warden Knot is performing at Red Dwarf’s karaoke bar and is actually quite good at it, so Rimmer hurls him into the Sun, but was it an accident? Don’t worry, he’s back in the next episode and beats Rimmer up.

    #226158

    Ben Saunders

    ACCI DENT:

    Rimmer wakes up one morning to find that all of the crosswords on the entire ship has been filled in. But was it Suzi Dent?

    #226159

    Dave

    THE RED DWARF AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE

    A minicab calls outside the house of the protagonist of H2G2 to pick him up and take him somewhere. But was it a taxi, Dent?

    #226160

    bloodteller

    SPROUTS OF GRIME- rimmer finds a fucking manky old load of sprouts underneath lister’s bunk and discovers that for the past 29 years lister has not been eating his sprouts at christmas dinner. as payback rimmer cooks all the grimy sprouts for this year’s christmas dinner and gives them to lister and stares at him intently to make sure he bloody eats them. he does but looks quite upset about having to do so and this makes rimmer feel guilty so he never serves sprouts again

    meanwhile cat has lots and lots of sex, but was he abstinent?

    #226161

    Dave

    RED DWARF VII: THE EARLY DRAUGHTS

    When Rimmer leaves the crew of Red Dwarf to become Ace Rimmer, he accidentally leaves a door open and makes everyone really chilly. Because, y’know, it’s cold outside.

    #226162

    Ben Saunders

    RED DWARF VII: THE LATE DRAUGHTS

    Dissatisfied with how their chess tournament went, Rimmer insists that the crew play draughts instead. Meanwhile, a medical professional recommends Cat try out a different type of toothpaste. But was it a dentist?

    #226163

    Dollar Pound

    THE CHINQUISITOR

    each of the crew in turn is interrogated by a version of themselves that is the upside down bottom of their face with a single googly eye version of themselves like in gunmen but the versions are real like giant upside down chins, the height of a standing person. also the chins move very fast and unpredictably around the room.

    #226164

    cwickham

    SYMESARA

    A G&T admin gets locked in a room with a copy of “Timewave”, and his nightmare begins.

    #226165

    Dollar Pound

    OXOSHIP

    rimmer falls in love with julia sawalha on a ship that the cat built using archemedean mechanical principals. richard herring is jealous because he loves her and is luke warm about the show which explains how he goes on to develop the technology to become the chinquisitor . meanwhile a knight has escaped from the ar and it’s a big one. he seems to have no weapons but was it an axe hidden?

    #226168

    cwickham

    THREADWAVE

    Seth Abramson turns up on board Red Dwarf and starts a 500-tweet thread. The episode attracts criticism, chiefly from people who don’t know who Seth Abramson is.

    #226169

    flanl3

    THE LAST JEDI DAY:

    Hudzen blasts the crew out into space, so they all turn into Peter Pan. Meanwhile, the projection of Rimmer’s dad kills everyone, bu

    #226170

    bloodteller

    TROUT OF GRIME- rimmer finds a fucking manky dead fish all covered in shit floating about in lister’s fish tank. he cooks it for listers tea but what rimmer doesnt know is that the trout is actually the child of listers robot goldfish. luckily lister huffs the poisonous fumes from the dead fish and dies before he can eat it

    meanwhile kryten sucks his own groinal attachment and dies from the suction. but was it an accident?

    #226171

    bloodteller

    OUT OF TUNE- lister discovers he’s not actually crap at guitar, its just he never bothered to tune it and thats why it sounds bloody awful. he tunes it and plays some good songs.

    meanwhile, kochanski puts the salad cream back in the wrong place and so kryten beats her to death with all the salad cream bottles he’s had to throw away as the result of her incompetence. but was it an accident?

    #226172

    bloodteller

    OUT OF TUNA- the ship’s supply of tuna runs out and cat dies of malnutrition.

    meanwhile rimmer eats some fish, but was it tuna?

    #226173

    Dave

    FARTERS AND SUNS

    When Lister lets fly a big curry-fuelled trump, the resultant gas cloud ignites a nearby sun, leading it to engulf a planet and kill all its inhabitants.

    Meanwhile, Rimmer has a long conversation with Kryten about how he thinks western cultures and civilisations are superior to eastern ones. But was it the occident?

    #226174

    Pete Part Three

    The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Multiverse

    Rimmer continues his adventures, skipping from dimension to dimension before finally arriving in a cross-promotion commercial for some BBC Videos in the 1990s. Someone farts. But was it Arthur Dent?

    #226175

    Dollar Pound

    BACK TO THE REAL THING

    pepsi is *over* screams rimmer after a breif daliance with coke’s famous rival

    #226176

    Dave

    REVOKE ME A SKUTTER

    The special Skutter-based BBC2 channel-logo created for Red Dwarf night is withdrawn immediately afterwards, never to be used again. But was it an ex-ident?

    #226177

    cwickham

    MELTDOWN

    Craig Charles reacts badly to not being the host of the new series of Robot Wars, and decides to get an obscure competitor from the original series to appear in Red Dwarf instead. But is it Axe-C-Dent?

    #226178

    cwickham

    CAR KNOT

    It is revealed that Red Dwarf is a spaceship, knot a car.

    #226179

    bloodteller

    OUR NOB OR ROSS- kryten issues an ultimatum: either lister sucks the nobs of all the crew right this instant, or he has to do jonathan ross up the arse. lister does both

    meanwhile cat gets a job. but was he an applicant?

    #226180

    bloodteller

    THE RINGQUISITOR- rimmer is questioned by massive onion rings. he fails their judgement process and becomes onion rings too. now its up to lister to eat all the onion rings.

    meanwhile kryten eats a banana. but was it flavescent?

    #226181

    cwickham

    TIMEWAVEOCRACY

    An election is held for position of President the Econium, but is cancelled when it is pointed out that Ziggy already has the power to repeal the law around which the ship’s entire society is based on a whim.

    #226182

    cwickham

    MECHOCRACYOCRACY

    An election is held for the position of Machine President President, but is also won by Kryten, causing his head to explode as a result of the recursive logic.

    #226186

    flanl3

    BENEDICT:

    Kryten is writing a book on how best to cook chicken ovulations. In every paragraph, the first line is moved over an inch, but was it an eggs indent?

    Meanwhile, Rimmer grows a patch of cucumbers.

    Meanwhile, Cat bumps into an old pope.

    Meanwhile, Lister says, “May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord be kind and gracious to you, may the Lord look upon you with favor and give you deep and abiding peace both this day and forever more, Alleluia, Amen.”

    #226189

    Dave

    THE END

    The crew of Red Dwarf is wiped out after an explosive leak of Cadmium II. But was it an accident? Yes, clearly it was.

    #226192

    Pete Part Three

    An Accident

    A meta episode where the Pearl Poll results are in and the best episode ever is announced. But was it An Accident? No. Because that’s not a real episode. It’s Back to Reality. Obviously.

    #226194

    curtis

    OUROBALLHOURS

    In a fascinating deconstruction of sitcom throughout the ages, the crew encounter a time-based convenience that makes all subsequent jokes sound like they were from the 1970s. Kryten gets into football and the Cat shits on one of Rimmer’s reports again.

    #226196

    curtis

    OURIKMAYALLOUROS

    Rik Mayall comes back from the dead and terrorises the crew. The Cat needs glasses

    #226197

    curtis

    OUSHITANDPISSOROS

    When Lister is spitting on Kryten’s wrist he finds this weird lump on his tongue that teleports them to Stockport. Then he makes this massive vat of custard full of shit and piss and tries to make Rimmer drink it but he won’t. Kryten doesn’t really know what’s going on but makes a best guess and gets them home. Once they’re back they end up promoting Rimmer because they feel bad about trying to make him eat shit and piss. Then they FINALLY let Warden Knot out of stasis so he can join the crew properly at last.

    #226198

    flanl3

    ONLY THE ‘HOOD…:

    Lister finds a time machine which he uses to return to his childhood neighborhood and murder all the children in it, but was it an accident?

    #226199

    Just Past Pluto

    Video Killed The Guest Star

    Lister and Rimmer kill yet another female guest character and cheekily laugh at the resolution of a joke that was badly set-up after a hasty script re-write.

    Then Kryten makes a face and shrugs while mopping.

    #226200

    Just Past Pluto

    Out of Timewave

    Future Doug comes back and threatens to destroy the Grant Naylor offices unless all copies of Timewave are erased from history.

    In a shocking turn of events, the staff happily comply and see off future Doug while he waves back looking a tad confused that he was successful.

    Then Cat does a reverse poo in reverse.

    Which is just defecation.

    #226204

    Dollar Pound

    COCACOLA AND PEPSICOLA

    lister meets two ‘softdrink holograms’ called cocacola and pepsicola. he likes them both equally, they are similar but they both have their own thang. they keep bickering and competing for his approval which isn’t the kind of thing lister responds well to. meanwhile kryten has made a bioprintout army of andrew marr clones that maaaaaarch along shouting ‘maaahh! maaaaaaah!’ and rimmer is caning soy because the cat told him it gives you boobs. in the end cocacola slips into the colasuite and changes pesicola’s carbonation settings so he explodes all over the sleeping quarters. you could say he commited fantacide

    #226205

    Dollar Pound

    someone’s been *bloody* tampering with the colagram simulation suite settings again

    #226206

    Just Past Pluto

    In The Blink Of A Jap’s Eye

    Taiwan Tony turns up and gets mistaken for a Japanese vending machine and something happens and then there’s a thing with the plot and Lister makes a face or whatever.

    Den of Geek gives it a solid 4 stars and calls it ‘a great return to form’.

    #226208

    Dave

    RATING FOR POD

    When the mail pod arrives, it has an annoying user-review follow-up survey that keeps being e-mailed to Lister until he fills it in. But he refuses to do so until he learns whether his girlfriend’s baby is his or not. And whether it was an accident.

    #226209

    Dave

    MATING FOR DODD

    Ken Dodd captures the crew and forces them to copulate for his amusement.

    #226210

    Dave

    GYRATING FOR PLOD

    When Johnny Vegas’ Crit-Cop threatens to arrest the crew, Cat tries to mollify him by performing a sensual dance.

    #226211

    Dave

    INCRIMINATING FOR NODD

    Noddy Holder is caught red-handed as he attempts to steal a packet of Opal Fruits from his local newsagents.

    #226212

    Dave

    SLATING FOR BOD

    Lister and Cat give a poor review to a mediocre 1970s kids’ cartoon.

    #226213

    Dave

    FRUSTRATING FOR HOD’

    The actor who plays Hodor in Game Of Thrones laments the limitations of the fact that his character is only able to say a single word.

    #226215

    Dave

    INTERIOR DECORATING FOR COD

    Rimmer gets a fishtank, and insists on making it look as lovely as possible. But it seems that Cat might have other plans.

    #226223

    flanl3

    STATING ‘FORGOT’:

    Kryten keeps failing to do tasks, and when asked why, he just says that he forgot, but was it an accident?

    #226224

    Dollar Pound

    PLYMOUTH

    the crew bravely fight off an attack by the town of plymouth but at the end of the episode it is implied that portsmouth has only gone and snuck on board as well and posessed lister

    #226225

    Dollar Pound

    SMEGHAMMERWORLD

    kryten gets all flustered in smeghammerworld because there’s just too much choice and ends up walking out with two gimboidmallets he doesn’t even need

    #226226

    flanl3

    SINNERWORLD:

    God makes it rain for 40 days and 40 nights, but was it an accident?

    #226228

    Dave

    WAITING FOR THREAD

    Everyone keeps posting ideas for an episode just so that we can hit 1,000 posts, get a third page, and then all go home feeling very pleased with ourselves.

    #226229

    bloodteller

    OUT OF WINE- the urine recyc finally gets finished off

    #226231

    Ben Saunders

    GLINNERWORLD

    The crew encounter a Psi Moon where hundreds of clones of television writer Graham Linehan are allowed to roam free, talking shite. They decide he’s actually a bit of a knob and consider either nuking the moon or just leaving, but before they can he blocks them anyway.

    #226237

    flanl3

    DEAR DAVE:

    You are wrong. I’m not going home after 1000 ideas. I’m not going home after 10000 ideas. I’m not going home after 1000000 ideas. I’m not going home until we’ve shared every single idea for an episode.

    #226252

    Rubber

    ‘Get off my hard-on!’

    Rimmer gets his first proper erection since dying, but the Cat keeps playfully patting at it with his paw, prompting Rimmer to yell ‘GET OFF MY HARD-ON!’ at him. There is a lot of bad feeling among the crew after this outburst.

    #226254

    bloodteller

    OUT OF LINE- sequel to dear dave. everyone thinks that its proper out of line that lister called his girlfriend a slag. as punishment they make him watch pete part 2 but lister actually dies of boredom halfway through so they just kick his shins instead

    meanwhile doug writes timewave. he thinks he is making some pretty good points.

    #226257

    Rubber

    Dream Factory

    Doug Naylor enviously watches the Red Dwarf fanbase churn out fresh idea after fresh idea while he struggles to write a series without a polymorph or ‘spaceship of the week’ in it.

    #226258

    Rubber

    Babies & Protractor

    The Red Dwarf crew are all turned into babies, except for Kochanski who is turned into a protractor. It’s caused by an atomwave. Nobody is allowed to upset the babies.

    #226259

    Rubber

    Love but also loss

    Lister comes to realise that allowing love into your life can also lead to feelings of loss if the love is withdrawn but on the other hand is that not still better than a hindsight feeling of loss if one never experiences loss? He doesn’t ask his crewmates for advice on this because they know nothing. Ultimately Lister learns to appreciate love, but also loss.

    #226260

    Rubber

    A cat sidekick is drafted in to give Cat something to stay alive for. It’s called Mr Pawter. Kryten hates it and kills it. Cat sings a song and Japan becomes the opposite to the previous configuration, mate!

    #226262

    Dave

    BUNMEN OF THE ACROPOLIS

    When the crew of Red Dwarf accidentally get transported back in time to ancient Greece, they are forced to eke out a living as bakers.

    Featuring jokes including “what’s a Grecian urn” and “It’s all Greek to me”, as well as an action-packed climax in which Starbug destroys the Parthenon.

    #226263

    cwickham

    SAMESARA

    An episode that is completely identical to “Samsara”, shot for shot, word for word. It baffles everyone on first broadcast and is disowned by Doug on the making-of documentary.

    #226264

    cwickham

    BALANCE OF FLOUR

    Identical to the original version of “Balance of Power”, but with the ‘flour/flower’ joke from “Krytie TV” really awkwardly edited in for no apparent reason midway through a scene.

    #226265

    cwickham

    THE BEEGINNING

    Rimmer decides to take up bee-keeping.

    #226266

    cwickham

    THE GINNING

    Rimmer pours a bottle of gin over himself as part of an obscure Satanic ritual.

    #226267

    cwickham

    THE SEA-GINNING

    Rimmer accidentally jettisons the ship’s entire supply of gin onto an ocean moon.

    #226268

    cwickham

    THE BEAGINNING

    Episode guest-starring a popular Irish comedian.

    #226269

    Dollar Pound

    KNIGHT, HOLE

    lister tells everyone rimmer’s dead because a knight escaped from the ar and killed him. a few weeks later kryten hasn’t seen cat for a few days and lister says didn’t you hear? knight got out the ar again and killed him. kryten makes a run for it in a blue midget. he is just clearing the cargo bay doors when lister appears behind him dressed as a knight and throttles him to death. lister turns round to see his demon self swagger out a cupboard with his remote control, laughing in that obnoxious high pitch squeak. then he falls down a hole

    #226270

    cwickham

    STATIC LEAK

    A portal called a “static leak” is discovered. When the Dwarfers go through it they are frozen in time and unable to move. A notable continuity error in this episode is that Rimmer blames Lister for not expecting that from a “static leak” after he has already gone through the portal.

    #226271

    cwickham

    A STARBUG IS BORN

    Film critic Jay Sherman arrives on board the ship, and the Dwarfers decide to hold a film festival where he is the judge. Rob Grant requests his name is taken off the credits for this episode in case people think there is a connection between Red Dwarf and The Critic.

    #226272

    Dollar Pound

    WHY HAIL

    the crew are in starbug riffing when suddenly they are in a hail storm. kryten tries to explain what’s going on but cat keeps interjecting with the question ‘ so why hail?’ and the conversation goes round in a loop again. some of the conversation is shown from cat’s perspective where kryten just sounds like the other end of a phone conversation in an old cartoon. in the end lister stops it hailing by playing pool with his boner

    #226274

    Dollar Pound

    THE PAGINATOR

    a droid travels to the end of this thread in search of the most perfectly artfully dissapointing shitpost and can’t find it so erases the internet out of spite

    #226275

    Dollar Pound

    STAPLES REEK

    ace rimmer finds an unpleasant smelling packet of staples in an interdimensional stationary cupboard and vows to figure out why the staples are so smelly. they look normal. what a guy

    #226276

    flanl3

    KNIGHT, HOLE

    lister tells everyone rimmer’s dead because a knight escaped from the ar and killed him. a few weeks later kryten hasn’t seen cat for a few days and lister says didn’t you hear? knight got out the ar again and killed him. kryten makes a run for it in a blue midget. he is just clearing the cargo bay doors when lister appears behind him dressed as a knight and throttles him to death. lister turns round to see his demon self swagger out a cupboard with his remote control, laughing in that obnoxious high pitch squeak. then he falls down a hole

    Where did he find that Blue Midget, exactly?l

    #226277

    flanl3

    KHAN: “PHI, DENTS, UH, PEAR, UH, NO, YEAH”

    The boys run into Genghis Khan struggling to remember the word for that one softish fruit, but was it an accident?

    #226279

    Dave

    KHAN SMEG, WON’T SMEG

    Sequel in which he cooks the pear. With Ainsley Harriott.

    #226280

    cwickham

    GIVE & TOKE

    Medicinal marijuana is legalised aboard all JMC ships.

    #226281

    cwickham

    GIVE & STOKE

    The Dwarfers discover a time portal leading to present-day Stoke-on-Trent. They decide not to go through it.

    #226282

    cwickham

    CONIA

    The Dwarfers are all turned into ice-cream cones, then left to melt.

    #226283

    cwickham

    STASIS BEAK

    The Dwarfers discover a really big nose sticking out of the wall on Floor 16, and refer to it using a well-known slang term.

    #226284

    cwickham

    THE LAST GAY

    Lister discovers the only other surviving human is Bent Bob.

    #226285

    cwickham

    CELTDOWN

    Queen Boudica arrives on board Red Dwarf, and proceeds to fall over.

    #226286

    cwickham

    STRIMMERWORLD

    The Dwarfers arrive at a gardening centre.

    #226287

    cwickham

    BEYOND A TOKE

    It is decided that Lister’s use of medical marijuana has gone too far.

    #226288

    cwickham

    BASSANDRA

    Remastered version of Cassandra where all of Cassandra’s lines are treated to be spoken by Big Mouth Billy Bass.

    #226289

    cwickham

    IDEA FOR AN EPISODE (BACK IN THE) THREAD, PART ONE THOUSAND

    People start to suspect this thread is too long.

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