Idea for an episode.

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  • #226290

    cwickham

    IDEA FOR AN EPISODE (BACK IN THE) THREAD, PART ONE THOUSAND AND ONE

    After an unnecessarily long recap and loads of filler, it is determined that this thread is still funnier than “Back in the Red: Part Three”.

    #226291

    bloodteller

    THREAD IN THE BACK PART 1- kryten is restitching listers jacket while hes wearing it. he accidentally sews the jacket directly into listers back and they spend the episode pulling all the stitching out of him. its all very uncomfortable and lister actually starts crying about 2 minutes in

    meanwhile rimmer finds some new clothes in a dumpster round the back of primark

    #226292

    bloodteller

    BACK IN THE SPREAD- after 1002 consecutive episodes of the crew trying to get out of a massive pot of margarine they finally get out. but it turns out lister has left the handbrake off and starbug tumbles back into the margarine even deeper than before. cat quips “better spread than smeg” but a bitchy lister clips him round the back of the head and he shuts up

    meanwhile kryten reappears on the 3-page foldout in playgirl

    #226294

    flanl3

    Alright, let’s keep it up, I’ve got a good one ready once we’ve hit 6000.

    #226295

    Ben Saunders

    Fuck my arse we’re onto the third page

    #226296

    Pete Part Three

    The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

    That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

    Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

    #226297

    Dave

    Fuck my arse we’re onto the third page

    What happens in this one?

    #226298

    Pete Part Three

    It’s a fuck, right. In his arse. Hence the words “fuck my arse”.

    It’s slightly more eventful than Dear Dave, anyway.

    #226299

    Ben Saunders

    Even having a synopsis for it would be too much of a spoiler. You’ll just have to experience it for yourself

    #226300

    Dave

    “Kryten encourages Lister to read by offering sexual incentives every time Lister makes even the smallest amount of progress.”

    #226301

    bloodteller

    MERCEDESOCRACY- the crew come across a rare mercedes in the cargo bay. there are only 1 and 1/2 of them in the world and theyve got 1 and 1/4 of them. then they argue about who should get to keep it. rimmer says he should keep it since he likes cars, while cat thinks he should keep it so he can make it into a fashionable jacket. eventually they just sell it on ebay and things go back to normal

    #226302

    bloodteller

    ONLY THE GOOD DELIVERY SERVICE: on their way to dispatch the mercedes for delivery, the crew discover that MyHermes is being eaten by a corrosive microbe and they wont be able to send their parcel.

    luckily kryten builds a mirror universe machine out of packing tape and labels and everyone is saved

    #226303

    cwickham

    ONLY THE BAD DELIVERY SERVICE: The crew order something from Redbubble.

    #226304

    Dave

    HAIKU TO REALITY

    It was all a game
    Blown up by the despair squid
    All’s not as it seems

    #226305

    Dave

    HAIKU TO EARTH

    It was all a show
    Let’s just keep the budget down
    Blade Runner was good

    #226306

    Dave

    HAIKU IN THE RED

    All the crew are back
    Red Dwarf looks quite long now, eh?
    What d’you mean “three parts”?

    #226307

    Dave

    HAIKUSHIP

    You make love just like
    A Japanese poem form
    Five, Seven, then five

    #226311

    Katydid

    BACK IN THE REDTUBE

    Lister uncovers Rimmer’s stash of illegal trivids.

    #226313

    flanl3

    BACK IN THE REDTUBE:

    Lister rediscovers a website whivh allows you to get YouTube Red for free.

    #226314

    cwickham

    RIMMER AND THE CAPTAIN

    Rimmer invites Captain Hollister to lunch, but the roast he has prepared is burnt. He decides to purchase fast food from Snacky and pass it off as his own cooking. However, his plan is foiled by a claim of plagiarism.

    #226318

    Rubber

    Psoreen

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic malt loaf which wants to suck out their brains.

    #226319

    Rubber

    Psamsara

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic spaceship with a karma drive which wants to suck out their brains.

    #226320

    Rubber

    Pcylinder

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic cylinder which wants to suck out their brains.

    #226321

    Rubber

    Pstasis Leak

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic stasis leak which wants to suck out their brains.

    #226322

    bloodteller

    LEGUME- bizarre edit of legion where it’s just the scene of cat eating peanuts for the whole episode

    #226323

    bloodteller

    LEGIT IAN- there are many many ian symeses in the room. but which one is the real one? david ross is sent in to find out.

    #226324

    bloodteller

    LERGY IAN- ian symes gets sick so john hoare comes round and makes him a lovely cup of soup. meanwhile, all the other G&T admins send heartwarming “get well soon messages” to him and he is very pleased

    #226327

    Dollar Pound

    TRAPPED IN THE NECK PART 1

    holly’s head is hollow and solid like an easter egg and the boys from the dwarf are trapped in the neck of it. they’ve been miniaturised. later in this disjointed episode, cat meets cherry, a cologram of his former exact bunkmate who he gets trapped in a stationary cupboard with full of foul smelling staples

    #226328

    Dollar Pound

    TRAPPED IN THE NECK PART 2

    the gravity briefly cuts out because of the drain on the ship’s power caused by cherry going thru the me2 phase allowing lister to get purchase of the interior of holly’s jowels

    #226329

    Dollar Pound

    TRAPPED IN THE NECK PART 3

    ace rescues cat and cherry from the stationary cupboard and explains everything. he smashes holly’s screen, breaks his head like a cocunut, releasing the crew, craefully glues it back together, puts it back behind where the screen was and fits a new screen. then he returns the crew back to their normal size.

    #226330

    Pete Part Three

    The End

    Nope. Not yet, sadly.

    #226331

    bloodteller

    GUNMEN OF THE NECROPOLIS- the crew take a trip down to the glasgow necropolis and start shooting shit which ends up annoying the locals because they think it is “very disrespectful”

    #226332

    bloodteller

    BALANCE OF SHOWER- sequel to lemons. the crew are putting the rejuvination shower in the cupboard along with all the other time travel devices they dont need but unfortunately they cant get it on the shelf without it falling off and shattering into a million bloody pieces and they have to spend a week putting it back together each time

    #226333

    Dollar Pound

    POLLYMORPH

    what are people’s top 10 ideas for an episode to celebrate 15 months of idea for an episode and immanentise the snarkularity

    #226334

    cwickham

    IDEA FOR AN EPISODE (BACK IN THE) THREAD REMASTERED

    The one thousand and thirty fifth episode idea, which was much less intelligent than the first one thousand and thirty four, stowed away on the third page – where it died of old age not long after.

    #226335

    Paul Muller

    Back In The Thread: Part 3

    The crew return to a derelict forum thread to make the same title joke pun again, but with a different number.

    Cat is forced to perform an elaborate dance sequence with Blue Midget for some reason – but before the crew can make their escape they must face down a man calling himself ‘Tonguetied’, who demands to know why the Blue Midget page on TOS has not been updated to reflect the inexplicable addition of arms to a shuttlecraft.

    After slipping on a foaming cloche, his flimsy disguise falls off, revealing none other than a disgruntled Holly, his monitor propped up on a pile of boxes, covered in a long coat.

    Enraged, he declares that this will be his last visit to this sad little site for people who haven’t got anything better to do…

    But was it an accident?

    #226341

    Dave

    HOLOSHIT II: EMODUMP

    Rimmer discovers what shirt tails are for, and gets very upset about it.

    #226349

    flanl3

    KYLOMORPH II: EMOFUCK

    Kylo Ren throws a tantrum all over the place.

    #226351

    Dave

    OUT OF THE BLUE: PART ONE

    The first episode of Series XIV follows up on Series XIII’s cliffhanger in which the crew finally recovered Blue Midget. We find out that it has been rebuilt by nanobots to the original JMC specifications, meaning it now has four legs and is long enough to fit an entire resurrected crew of 1,169 inside it. It goes on to win 2021’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

    #226372

    Dave

    THE PUBQUIZZITOR

    Red Dwarf is visited by an immortal simulant who, after millions of years alone, finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to get really good at pub quizzes.

    The crew is therefore divided into two teams and forced to compete on trivia questions over the course of several themed rounds (including a picture round on a sheet that has been so badly photocopied as to make it near-impossible).

    “Because… like all who compete before the Pubquizzitor… your judge… shall be… the team sitting immediately to your left.”

    #226379

    flanl3

    THE INQUISITOR PART TWO:

    Red Dwarf is visited by an immortal simulant who, after millions of years alone, finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to shit all over the place.

    This means that Lister doesn’t die, Kryten doesn’t die as he assisted Lister in doing this, Cat doesn’t die because he once ran across the entire ship with fresh shit on his bum, and Rimmer gets Holly to quickly make him holoshit everywhere, so he lives. The Inquisitor Part Two apologizes for taking their time, makes them forget he was ever there, and moves on with his day.

    #226382

    Katydid

    SERIES IX, EPISODE 6: BACK IN THE POLYMORPH

    Red Dwarf falls off a shelf and breaks, interrupting Lister’s bath. The crew are forced to coerce a polymorph into becoming another Red Dwarf, before sedating it to retain that shape. Unfortunately, the new Red Dwarf is a fucking hideous pencil. Lister takes a saw and gets to work, but upon puncturing the hull Kochanski is sucked into space. “Saw that coming,” Lister quips, and goes back to cutting the penciloid abomination in half.

    #226388

    Dave

    MONOMORPH

    The crew encounter a genetically-engineered lifeform with the ability to retain a single outward appearance that never changes.

    #226398

    Katydid

    GUNMEN II: A FISTFUL OF POLYMORPHS

    Rejected VII script, later rewritten as the Little Britain episode “The One Where We Tediously Make Fun of Transvestites But It’s Old West-Themed”.

    #226410

    Dave

    POLLYMORPH

    While attempting to compile a list of their favourite Red Dwarf episodes for the Pearl Poll, G&T members find their order keeps changing depending on what mood they’re in.

    #226411

    Dave

    POLLOSHIP

    The Enlightenment’s computer predicts a 97.8% probability that G&T members will choose Back To Reality as their favourite episode.

    #226412

    Dave

    CAPTAIN POLLISTER

    Ian Symes gets a new nickname.

    #226413

    Dave

    CAT OF WORMS

    Cat becomes angry when he realises that he is the only member of the crew not to have had his name included in the title of an episode. He therefore sulks until Doug Naylor agrees to include one in Series XIII.

    #226414

    flanl3

    MECHCATCRACY:

    When Cat is still a mechanoid, he takes over the entire goddamn ship.

    #226415

    Dave

    CAT PAINS ORIFICE

    *That* scene from the ‘Backwards’ novel.

    #226417

    Katydid

    BARBEDPENISIA

    Rob Grant guest-writes his own Cat-centric episode for Series XIII.

    #226418

    Katydid

    BARBED PENISMORPH

    Rob Grant does a pass on the Can of Worms script.

    #226419

    cwickham

    CAPTAIN POLLOCKSTER

    Captain Hollister becomes interested in the medium of drip painting.

    #226420

    Katydid

    BACKDOOR IN THE RED

    Red Dwarf is left without oxygen after Lister leaves a screen door open. Rimmer, Kryten and a team of skutters must travel to close it before Lister suffocates. Meanwhile, the oxygen deprivation gives Cat a raging barbed erection.

    #226423

    Captain Bollocks

    CRAPPIN’ THE RED

    A massive dinosaur does a blood poo all over the ship.

    #226424

    Katydid

    TROJAN

    Rimmer sews name labels onto his ship-issue condoms.

    #226425

    bloodteller

    EVERY SNOG… – A rather bizarre edit of the final episode of VIII where all the scenes except Rimmer’s kiss with Talia are removed

    #226426

    bloodteller

    EVERY BOG…- kryten finally finishes cleaning all the toilets on red dwarf but doesn’t know what to do with himself after that. luckily the derelict-of-the-week contains a petrol station toilet and kryten is faced with the ultimate challenge of cleaning the fucking rank shit that you see in those. he actually throws up at one point despite not being able to, its really that disgusting in there.

    meanwhile rimmer gets those chest pains again that he somehow hasn’t had since rimmerworld. but was it acid reflux?

    #226436

    Dollar Pound

    BACK 2 EARTH 2: PART 1

    it’s in the form of a table read this one, but as if it’s already been an episode but wasn’t. again barrie is speaking a hybrid of german and italian. everyone is casually dressed as themselves, except robert, who is in the full gear and brought his own stuff. in the story, it’s like back to earth but instead of coronation st it’s eastenders. and instead of craig it’s danny. even thought he isn’t in it. that’s sort of the weird idea behind the episode. there’s a nice moment when, during a joke that calls back to the cords/co-ords pun from series vii, barrie, mugging charismatically, points to his trade mark corduroy trousers to the delight of the audience who are all very elderly.

    #226437

    Ridley

    VOTER KERNEL

    The Dwarfers are forced to rank every post of the “Idea for an episode.” thread.

    #226438

    flanl3

    You see, it’s like the Pearl Poll, but the other way ’round.

    #226479

    Katydid

    THE ASS DAY

    It’s Naked Man from Stasis Leak’s very own episode! Can he solve the intriguing mystery of who swiped his knickers?

    #226497

    flanl3

    THE ‘YAS’ DAY

    It’s like Parallel Universe, but the women are stereotypically female instead of stereotypically male.

    #226498

    Dave

    PAIR O’ LOL UNIVERSE

    Red Dwarf Series II’s final episode is edited down to the point where it only has two jokes left in it.

    #226502

    Ben Paddon

    FURNITURE ECHOES

    The Red Dwarf posse yell obscenities inside of a large but deserted Ikea, enjoying the acoustics as their yells of “bums” and “willy” bounce off of the sheet metal walls and plywood book shelves.

    #226503

    Dave

    DEER DAVE

    As a Christmas prank, the crew use the DNA ship that is still attached to Red Dwarf to turn Lister into a reindeer. He is then required to pull Kryten’s spacebike around while Rimmer, dressed as Santa Claus, sits on the back and dispenses presents to the Skutters.

    #226504

    Dave

    DEMONS AND ANTLERS

    Sequel.

    #226506

    Dollar Pound

    ELKDOWN

    experimenting with the dna machine, snacky turns themself into an elk

    #226507

    Dollar Pound

    BEYOND AN ELK

    snacky realises they are something more than just an elk

    #226508

    Dollar Pound

    PARALLELK UNIVERSE

    etc

    #226511

    Dollar Pound

    elkcetera elkcetera

    #226512

    Ben Paddon

    THE ELK

    An elk is released from stasis three million years after everyone else has died.

    #226513

    flanl3

    FUTURE ELKOES:

    Despite the fact that it’s only spring, Lister catches glimpses of many elk bugling about the ship, a phenomenon which typically occurs in the autumn. Lister is confused about why this is happening, until Holly explains that they’re actually glimpses into the future called ‘future elkoes’. Meanwhile, why the fuck are elk going to be on Red Dwarf in six months?

    #226514

    Paul Muller

    Balance of Sour

    Lister studies for the Chef’s exam, in a bid to outrank Rimmer.

    He is unsure how much Lemon zest to add to his cake.

    #226515

    Dave

    TROUT OF TIME

    Cat unwittingly creates an unstable paradox in the space-time continuum by travelling through the Stasis Leak and eating all the Trout A La Creme on board, before the accident happens that wipes out Red Dwarf’s crew.

    As a result, his earlier self is never able to eat it and develop a taste for it, and so he never goes back through the Stasis Leak to search for more.

    #226516

    Dollar Pound

    THE FORK GUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    lister hypnotises 2 cowboy simulants with a fork and they crash land on a moon named after keith moon. it’s called planet moon

    #226517

    Dollar Pound

    ANTLERS ARE ENTANGLED

    cat and kryten are elks and their antlers become entangled. later on when kryten is developing the slides he realises they are obviously space coordinates. they go there and find a space station dedicated to wrongness. in it they find the script for timewave

    #226519

    Paul Muller

    ELKIDEME

    Lister produces a rather flimsy explanation after he contracts a deadly STD from a decomposing, zombified elk.

    Kryten is shocked when Kochanski amputates her own arm, but she later reveals it was just an elk’s hoof wrapped in red PVC.

    #226524

    Dave

    THE ELKQUISITDEER

    Red Dwarf is visited by an immortal simulant who, after millions of years alone, finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to determine the worthiness of the lives lived by the universe’s ungulates.

    #226526

    Dollar Pound

    MOOSED

    lister gets moosed and crashes the bug into a planetoid. rimmer christens it asteroid rimmer.

    #226527

    Dave

    OUT HOOF TIME

    After traversing the reality bubbles, Cat realises that he actually quite liked being transformed into a deer.

    #226528

    Dollar Pound

    GIVE ANT LER

    cat has to donate one of his antlers to save lister but which one? it doesn’t matter that much they regrow.

    #226530

    Ben Paddon

    Marvelous.

    #226531

    Dollar Pound

    ELK THE LAST DAY

    columbo elk escapes an ar game with old tv characters as elks and questions the dwarfers to about the murder of a knight. lister admits to the muder but hypnotises columbo elk / elk columbo at the same time with his twinkling fork and singsong accent. then they’re not sure what to do so they get moosed and talk about incest

    #226534

    Dave

    GUNMEN OF THE ELKPOCALYPSE

    When a dying Simulant crew infects Starbug with a computer virus, the crew must use the AR machine to join Kryten in battling it. Unfortunately, instead of choosing Streets Of Laredo they accidentally boot up Deer Simulator instead.

    #226535

    Paul Muller

    BACK TO ELK: PART 2

    Rimmer murders an elk by pushing it in front of a speeding bus.

    #226536

    Dave

    BAMBISWAP

    Lister has his brain transferred into the body of a small cartoon deer.

    Meanwhile, Bambi is surprised at the size of Lister’s cock.

    #226543

    Dollar Pound

    UNGULATE GOODS DIE YOUNG

    now on bbc2 the crew of the r-hed dw-harf discover a garbage pod full of expired venison

    #226544

    Dollar Pound

    v-henison

    #226545

    flanl3

    WHITETAILING FOR GOD:

    Rimmer skips to an alternate dimension where instead of a cat Lister brought on board a white-tailed deer. There’s a whole bunch of them. They all worship Lister. Rimmer skips out.

    #226546

    Dave

    BACK TO VEALITY

    Lister is embroiled in a moral scandal when he asks Kryten to prepare him the meat of a young calf for dinner. Meanwhile, Cat has the venison.

    #226547

    flanl3

    MULEDEEROONED:

    Lister crashes Starbug into a planet full of mule deer. There’s no food, but he doesn’t want to shoot one. Instead, he decides to eat his own cock, which is large enough to last him a full month. Thankfully, the others get there to rescue him before he does.

    By the way, this one Sunday afternoon we were eating lunch and all of a sudden there were like twenty fucking fucking mule deer out on the back lawn. That’s the kind of place I live.

    #226548

    flanl3

    BODYSWAMP:

    Oh, so that’s what you really did with all your little catty friends.

    #226549

    Dave

    BACK IN THE RUDOLPH: PART ONE

    When a dying Kryten insists that his last wish is to watch a Christmas pantomime, it’s up to Lister and Rimmer to play the front end and the back end (respectively) of the titular reindeer.

    #226556

    Dave

    LANARCHY

    When Rimmer shows off his collection of lanyards, Lister becomes jealous and decides to try and put together his own collection of Red Dwarf lanyards to compete with his crewmate. Luckily he finds an online shop to cater for just such an eventuality.

    #226557

    flanl3

    BA-LAN-CE OF POWER:

    Lister is annoyed by Rimmer having more lanyards and shoving it in hos face all the time, so he gets a bunch of chef lanyards, except he lied about it.

    #226558

    Dave

    CASS-LAN-DRA

    A computer that predicts the future tells Lister that he is destined to get more lanyards than Rimmer, but only if Kochanski ends up sleeping with Kryten. But it turns out it was all a lie. Cat figured it out.

    #226559

    Ben Paddon

    OOPS, ALL BARRIES

    Chris Barrie plays all the roles in this episode, including guest cast. Story TBD.

    #226560

    clem

    TIKKA TO ID XTENDED

    Lister says he once drank a lanyard of curry sauce. Rimmer asks him what that even means but it turns out they were in an unreality bubble. Meanwhile Kryten mines some bitcoin. Cat isn’t in this one because he’s too busy wanking. The real reason is Doug didn’t feel like putting him in the episode.

    #226564

    Dollar Pound

    LANYARDS

    the crew meet a gestalt entity called grant lanyard. they come to the realisation that he is feeding off their lanyards so they jettison them into a timehole leading to a universe where time runs lanyards, so they will be happy there. grant lanyard takes off his mask and his face contorts from a combination of rob grant and lanyards and just rob grant. and then oh no i can’t be bothered cat gives birth to an elk

    #226565

    Katydid

    PETE PART 2 XTENDED

    Hollister says “See you in ten minutes” for ten minutes, and then he sees them. The audience laughs and applauds for so long that Chris Barrie gets bored and goes home, forcing Craig Charles to fill out the remainder of the episode with his standup act.

    #226566

    bloodteller

    KILN CRAZY- kill crazy brings round his cousin, kiln crazy. he loves kilns a lot. luckily the canaries have found a kiln at the bottom of an ocean moon so kiln crazy climbs inside it and dies.

    #226568

    bloodteller

    KILROY CRAZY- kill crazy starts watching kilroy and gets really into it. unfortunately kilroy says something racist and so kill crazy is put off the show forever.

    meanwhile, TodHunter meets his brother KillRoy. they go down to the pub and have a couple jars

    #226569

    bloodteller

    KILLCRAZY CRAZY-a forum user becomes obsessed with episode ideas relating to a short-lived side character from th eighth season of Red Dwarf.

    #226572

    Dave

    KILIK CRAZY

    The crew have a Soul Calibur tournament. Everyone favours the character with the long staff.

    #226575

    clem

    LOVEJOY CRAZY

    Kill Crazy starts watching Lovejoy and gets really into it, because when I read bloodteller’s Kilroy one I thought Kilroy was Lovejoy. I do know who Kilroy is, I just got them muddled up. Anyway, Kill Crazy watches Lovejoy and then goes around driving everybody crazy by humming the rather catchy Lovejoy theme. Meanwhile Rimmer has to decide whether to share or to shaft.

    #226577

    bloodteller

    BILL CRAZY- norweb finally catch up to lister and he is drowned in debt

    #226578

    bloodteller

    QUILL CRAZY- the boys from the dwarf find shakespeare at the bottom of an ocean moon. he has gone mad and stuck a quill up his bum so they just leave him there

    #226582

    flanl3

    STILL CRAZY

    The psychiatrist verifies that Kill Crazy is still crazy

    #226584

    flanl3

    STILL CRAZY!

    Kill Crazy becomes obsessed with pausing video and paintings of fruit.

    #226585

    flanl3

    STILL CRAZY?

    Cat wonders whether Kill Crazy is frozen in time like the rest of everyone

    #226586

    cwickham

    STILL CRAZY,

    A thought as to whether or not someone is crazy is left unfinished.

    #226588

    Dave

    KRILL STACY

    The crew of Red Dwarf meet a small crustacean with an unlikely name.

    #226604

    Dollar Pound

    D N NAME

    kryten unveils his new machine he’s been working on called the d n name machine which stands for dave’s new name machine. the machine is an odd confection of tupperware lids, lanyards and crocodile clips which he drapes over dave. dave decides to call himself billy but when kryten says the machine is ready to hear his new name he just suddenly says bellend in a confident and relaxed tone of voice. kryten explains that the machine can only be used once and the change is permanent. bellend tries to throw the tupperware lids and lanyards across the room in a petulent rage but can’t disentangle himself. rimmer gives birth to an elk.

    #226608

    flanl3

    but was it an accident

    #226609

    Dave

    FLATULENCE AND PARANOIA

    Lister does a quiet trump and then worries that everyone else can smell it but are too polite to say anything.

    #226611

    flanl3

    WARDEN NOT:

    The crew pass through an unreality bubble where they forget that Knot ever existed.

    #226615

    bloodteller

    FILM CRAZY- An hour-long special detailing Doug’s efforts to get the Red Dwarf Movie made, interspersed with clips from the cast readthroughs and storyboards.

    meanwhile, rimmer becomes obsessed with draping clingfilm over absolutely bloody fucking everything, eventually leading to his own demise

    #226617

    Dave

    PALANCE OF BOWER

    Using mutated film-development fluid, the crew of Red Dwarf somehow manage to resurrect Hollywood actor Jack Palance. Unfortunately he is trapped in a timeloop and believes he is perpetually taking a curtain call, leading him to be able to do nothing but bow. The Boys From The Dwarf begin to wonder whether the entire situation has been contrived for the purposes of an extremely weak pun.

    #226618

    cwickham

    WAR DEN NOT:

    The Dwarfers build a small room designed to be used for war, but discover it does not exist.

    #226619

    bloodteller

    THE BEG-IAN-ING- look out earth, syme’s coming home.

    #226620

    bloodteller

    TIDEWAVE- lister gets into the current trend of eating Tide Pods.

    meanwhile, rimmer gets swept into the sea due to high tides and heavy waves. but was it an accident?

    #226623

    Dollar Pound

    LOVEJOY AND KILLROY

    lister contracts a space virus and two physical halucinations appear channeling different aspects of his psyche. lovejoy represents the part of lister that has dimples, a mullet and a leather jacket, with killroy representing obviously his racist daytime tv host side. lovejoy secretly kills killroy and takes lister antiqueing but in the end lovejoy’s head explodes because he is too much

    #226625

    Dollar Pound

    HE CUBED

    kryten trips on a lanyard and falls into the waste compacter

    #226626

    Dave

    CONFIT DENSE AND PEAR ANNOY ‘ER

    Kochanski is visibly distressed when, after asking Kryten to prepare a Duck Confit, she bites into it and finds it is nowhere near as light and delicate as she expected. Putting the plate to one side, she instead decides to eat a pear, only to find that it is rotten.

    #226637

    bloodteller

    STASIS LANYARD- the crew find a stasis lanyard, which is like a lanyard that do time travel and all that. they use it to go back in time to before the accident but while theyre there they accidentally trip over red dwarf’s lanyard supplier bloke and he does his back in. as a consequence there are no lanyards to have in the future for them to travel back into the past to destroy the future of their past lanyards in the present.

    meanwhile kryten does a shit in a lanyard

    #226638

    Dave

    BACK TO LANYARDITY

    The crew of Red Dwarf are killed. They subsequently wake up and realise that their life on Red Dwarf was just a total-immersion videogame, and they are all in reality very different characters. Cat is a geeky lanyard enthusiast; Kryten a policeman who specialises in counterfeit lanyards; Rimmer a hapless bum whose addiction to lanyards has left him destitute; and Lister is the Lanyard Colonel, who works at the Ministry of Alteration, purifying society by converting broken lanyards into functional lanyards that can once again hang around a person’s neck for the purposes of displaying status-related information.

    #226644

    flanl3

    LANYARD PART TWO

    A lanyard eats a curry and shits everywhere. Meanwhile, a polymorphs fucks Cat, but was it an accident?

    #226673

    bloodteller

    MILL CRAZY- the canaries find a crashed windmill at the bottom of an ocean moon and Kill Crazy gets really into it but flies into a unbridled rage when he discovers theres not enough wind at the bottom of the ocean for the mill to get going.

    meanwhile rimmer goes fucking mental, but was it an accident?

    #226674

    Dave

    CONFER DENTS ON PAIR O’ “NOYER”

    Rimmer finds a Frenchman in a stasis booth, who immediately upon being resurrected demands to be served two walnuts, which he refers to in his native tongue. However, Rimmer is embarrassed when he finds himself unable to crack the walnuts open, only succeeding in making small indentations on their outer shells.

    Once again the crew suspect that the entire situation may have been contrived to make an incredibly tortuous pun that only the pun-maker will find amusing anyway.

    #226678

    bloodteller

    MILLICONIA- kill crazy suffers from orgasmic pleasure when the canaries find a space station made entirely out discarded windmills. unfortunately he has to get through a shit fight scene with mops before it shows up

    #226681

    clem

    DILL CRAZY

    Kryten becomes obsessed with dill and starts cooking all of Lister’s meals with it. Lister asks what’s with all the dill, but Kryten just says it’s good for him and anyway, they’ve run out of all the other herbs. Lister knows he’s lying and they fall out. Meanwhile Cat and Rimmer recreate the “two amazing things” yo-yo bit from Waiting for God, but with a lanyard instead of a yo-yo, while details of the Red Dwarf Shop’s BOGOF lanyard sale scroll along the bottom of the screen. Eventually Lister and Kryten make up. They hug and Lister affectionately calls Kryten “Ya big dildo!” Meanwhile Lovejoy is wanking.

    #226687

    clem

    I forgot to say that before they hug, Lister and Kryten agree never to mention dill again, so when Lister says DILLdo it’s like “Souper” only better because he says dildo. The audience applaud all the way through the end credits.

    #226694

    Dave

    COMFY DENCH AND PANORAMA

    Dame Judi Dench sits down on her favourite sofa to catch up with the BBC’s flagship investigative journalism programme on iplayer.

    #226707

    flanl3

    CRICHTON

    Kryten sells millions of books despite everyone being dead, but was it an accident?

    #226734

    Dave

    BACK TO REAL-H.P.

    When the despair squid suddenly finds himself running low on ink despite having just installed a new cartridge, he decides to switch back to genuine Hewlett Packard cartridges rather than the cheap knock-offs that he bought from some guy in Singapore.

    #226744

    Katydid

    KRYTIE QVC

    Rimmer stays up all night ordering necklaces on the telephone.

    #226745

    bloodteller

    KRYTIE VT- exactly the same as krytie tv but only the pre-recorded scenes

    #226746

    bloodteller

    BACK TO VEALITY- its Back To Reality but the effects are all replaced with shit Chris Veale CGI except starbug crashing, which bizarrely uses the model shot from the original. oh and theres a load of gas nebulas comped in fucking everywhere

    #226748

    cwickham

    KRYTIE PVC

    Exactly the same, but all the sound is played on a vinyl record.

    #226749

    cwickham

    KRYTIE TVC

    Exactly the same, but filmed on location at BBC Television Centre.

    #226750

    cwickham

    KRYTIE PLC

    Exactly the same, but with all parts played by the students of Pymble Ladies’ College.

    #226751

    cwickham

    KRYTIE PLP

    Exactly the same, but with all parts played by Labour MPs. Featuring Jared O’Mara.

    #226752

    cwickham

    KRYTIE PLO

    Exactly the same, but with all parts played by Mahmoud Abbas.

    #226753

    cwickham

    KRYTIE RRP

    Kryten learns that he was purchased for under the recommended retail price and feels betrayed.

    #226754

    bloodteller

    KRYTIE RP- kryten elects to play the red dwarf roleplaying game but finds a really racist bit about iguanas so he flips the table over in disgust and goes off to have a bit of a wank instead

    #226755

    bloodteller

    KRYTIE’S CV- kryten is sacked from red dwarf for being really fucking annoying or something. he has to write up a CV to get a new job but he can’t do it so he calls the boys from the dwarf over and they help him write up a really good CV that looks proper professional and everything. unfortunately he makes the mistake of including Timewave on it and once the employers see that there’s no way he’s getting any job ever

    #226756

    bloodteller

    BACK TO VEAL FOR TEA- red dwarf’s supply of chicken runs out so lister has to go back to having veal in his curry for tea. he doesnt like it so he turns his back to it but while his back is turned cat steals it. this upsets lister because he probably would have eaten it in the end

    #226757

    flanl3

    KRYTIE ELO

    ELO plays a concert with a special guest

    #226758

    bloodteller

    FIGHTY TV- lister gives his tv a couple of cans of lager but it starts calling him a twat and asking him if he “wants some”. he turns it off

    #226759

    bloodteller

    BLEAK IN THE RED- the dwarfers arrive back on red dwarf only to discover that nothing at all has changed. they go back to their bland everyday lives and everything is back to normal but there is a lingering sense of sadness surrounding it all

    meanwhile doug blames dinnerladies’ budget as the series takes a dive off the deep end

    #226796

    bloodteller

    DEMONS AND ANGEL CAKE- the crew build a triplicator which can make two copies of any object, with the side effect that one copy becomes bloody awful and the other becomes a slice of tasty british layered sponge loaf. they attempt to triplicate red dwarf but one of the copies is a massive five mile long cake and the other is the CGI remastered ship. in the end the crew just eat the cake and bugger off

    #226797

    bloodteller

    DEMONS AND BANALS- the crew attempt to repair the triplicator but this time one of the copies is always really predictable and boring. they try it on red dwarf and it becomes pete part 2

    #226803

    flanl3

    TIMEDAVE

    Lister asks Rimmer for a lanyard and subsequently gets his wrist spat upon.

    #226814

    Katydid

    TIMESLAVE

    Lister gets into bondage.

    #226815

    Dave

    POLOSHIP

    The crew of Red Dwarf encounter a derelict full of circular mints with holes in the middle.

    #226816

    flanl3

    OUI OUI

    Lister really needs to have a oui but his oui oui isn’t working correctly so he bodyswaps with Cat who now has the problem of being unable to have a oui of a normal color. Meanwhile, Kryten hits Rimmer with a baguette until he becomes unconscious, but was it an accident?

    #226818

    bloodteller

    FOLLYMORPH- the crew encounter a genetic mutant which can shapeshift into anything as long as it’s a very specific and pointless piece of decorative architecture.

    meanwhile lister builds the worlds longest Scalextric course down one of red dwarf’s corridors but its immediately fucked up when he pulls the control thing too hard and his cars go flying off the track

    #226819

    peas_and_corn

    THANKS FOR THE SPORES

    The crew stumble across yet another derelict. Kryten tells them that it uses fungus spores to transport to any point in the galaxy instantly. Lister tells him that makes no sense and clearly he’s reading the manual wrong. He then eats the teleporting fungus on toast.

    #226820

    Dave

    POLYMORK

    The crew of Red Dwarf encounter a deadly shape-shifting lifeform that can take the appearance of any character played by Robin Williams.

    #226829

    flanl3

    SEE YOU IN TWELVE MONTHS

    Hollister holds up the sign that says “SEE YOU IN TWELVE MONTHS” for twelve months because he is frozen by a somehow newly reconstructed time wand then his PTSD is somehow magically cured despite his having been frozen in time. Meanwhile, Cat has no scripted lines for the entire twelve months, but was it an accident?

    #226830

    Dave

    HOL-LISTER

    Dismayed by the ineffectiveness of the ship’s crew, the Skutters decide that Red Dwarf needs a proper Captain. However, due to their misunderstanding of the English language, their attempt to replace Captain Hollister consists of a hybrid clone of Holly and Lister, which (due to the show’s budget limitations) is depicted as Craig Charles walking around with a big old-fashioned CRT monitor on his head that displays Norman Lovett’s face, and Lovett also does a shit Liverpudlian accent. He turns out to be an excellent Captain, however, so the rest of the crew decide that they’re happy to keep him on. The episode ends with him being told he can share living quarters with Snacky and he is never mentioned again.

    #226831

    flanl3

    ASSANDRA

    Like Cassandra except she can only predict things related to asses, appendixes, and ani.

    #226832

    Dave

    ANALS AND DUODENUMS

    Like Angels & Demons, except… oh, you get the idea.

    #226833

    Dave

    OUR ROB OR ROTH

    Complications ensue when the crew of Red Dwarf accidentally travel back in time and inadvertently replace baby Lister under the pool table with a three-month-old David Lee Roth. As a result, Kryten, Rimmer and Cat now find themselves trapped three million years in the future with only the tedious former Van Halen frontman for company.

    (Alternative title: DON’TMENTION ‘JUMP’)

    #226835

    bloodteller

    AR ROB OREOS- takes place during the writing of series viii.doug cant think of any episode ideas so he tries to recreate rob grant in ar software and get him to help. but unfortunately rob escapes from the ar machine with the help of a knight and they piss off down to londis for some oreo biscuits. doug is so upset by this that he goes back in time to erase oreos from history which is a bit of a dick move but he is so blinded with rage he doesnt care

    meanwhile the cat rotates 360 degrees and complains his neck hurts afterwards. was his axis bent?

    #226836

    bloodteller

    LENNONS- the crew find an ikea self-assembly time travel thing and they go back in time. unfortunately the returner remote has no batteries so they are trapped until rimmer suggests they use john lennon as a battery. lister asks how that would even work but luckily johns exuberant nature is very powerful and the returner remote is recharged. they try to use it to go back but it somehow just teleports them inside their own brains

    #226837

    bloodteller

    KILK RAZEY- an 8 year old me watches cassandra for the first time and mishears kill crazy’s name as kilk razey which actually makes more sense because nobody would willingly call themselves kill crazy because thats mad

    #226842

    flanl3

    but kilk razey is mad

    #226852

    Katydid

    BEST GUESS

    Kryten figured it out.

    #226853

    Ben Paddon

    ONLY THE GOOP

    While searching a derelict vessel, Lister finds the box for a Real Ghostbusters fire station playset and gets excited until he opens it to find all of the pieces are missing save for the little tub of slime you could pour into the ceiling vents.

    #226854

    Dave

    ONLY TEA, GOOD

    Rimmer bans coffee.

    #226861

    bloodteller

    ONLY THREE GOOD- rimmer is submitting his pearl poll rankings and declares there are only three good episodes in the whole of VII/VIII. lister disagrees saying he thought krytie tv was okay at which point kryten and cat and rimmer beat the shit out of him with all truncheons and other horrid things

    meanwhile kochanski says she likes duct soup so kilk razey flushes her out of an airlock

    #226871

    Pete Part Three

    ONLY PEE GOO

    Lister develops an urinary tract infection. Meanwhile, Rimmer.

    #226874

    Dave

    CHUN LI THE GOOD

    When the annual Red Dwarf Street Fighter II tournament kicks off, Kryten stuns the rest of the crew by trouncing them all with the titular Chinese female. Yatta!

    #226879

    Dave

    OFFICER TODHUNTER

    Spinoff set during Series VIII in which Todhunter (played by Rob Bathurst) tries to get a load of tedious HR work done in his office while a dinosaur runs past his door and the walls start melting due to a corrosive micro-organism and Blue Midget accidentally dances into his desk and he suddenly finds himself wanting to have sex with Rimmer and so on.

    The episode ends with him suddenly having a massive extra load of paperwork to take care of due to an incident in which female occupants of the ship have been victims of a vile voyeuristic pay-TV scheme run by a deranged reprogrammed droid.

    #226880

    Dave

    YO TODHUNTER, GET DOWN!

    Saturday-night light-entertainment dancing show hosted by Frank Todhunter (played by Rob ‘hurst) in which the crew of Red Dwarf are paired off and forced to dance in a variety of different styles, with the losing team being put to death.

    #226881

    Dave

    FRANKS FOR THE MEMORY

    Hollister and Todhunter (played by R’ ‘st) go for a pint with one of Rimmer’s brothers, Rimmer’s uncle and Lister’s cat. The group soon finds itself musing on why there are so many people called Frank in the Red Dwarf universe.

    #226882

    Dollar Pound

    OUROBATHURST

    frank todhunter unlocks his destiny one night when he chances on an old vhs of joking apart, a tightly plotted tragicomic bbc farce whose star looks exactly like him. he realises he must go back in time, assume a fake identity and get the lead role or destroy the space time continuum. he decides on the former, but before he leaves, one of the officers who looks exactly like jerry seinfield overhears him telling his plans to rimmer, who isn’t interested anyway. the seinfield lookalike takes the sitcom about a stand-up comedian format into the past and makes it big in america whilst todhunter struggles to establish himself in london as a cloche hawker to get the dough together for acting school, explaining the shortfall of available cloches in later episodes.

    #226883

    Dax101

    There should be an episode thats nothing but call backs, the whole script just non-stop call backs and lines from previous series.

    Will be the best episode ever.

    #226884

    bloodteller

    TIM WAVES- set during series viii. todhunter has rigged up an experimental face-morphing device made up of all lanyards and drum machines. unfortunately it can only turn him into people called tim so he winds up being transformed into tim burton and he is stuck like that for the duration of viii explaining why nobody mentions him or knows where he is. he changes his name to timhunter and goes on the run

    12 months later he waves out of the window at the escaping crew, blissfully unaware there is a corrosive microbe onboard and that they have left him behind as they are unsure of his identity

    #226885

    Katydid

    YOU KNOW THE QUESTION, HE KNOWS THE QUESTION, WE ALL KNOW THE QUESTION

    Was Chris Barrie wearing a wig?

    #226888

    Ben Paddon

    There should be an episode thats nothing but call backs, the whole script just non-stop call backs and lines from previous series.

    Some cynical bastard is going to respond to this with “don’t you mean Back to Earth, a-hur-hur-hur,” and they’ll be… well, not 100% wrong. Maybe 60-70% wrong.

    #226901

    bloodteller

    GRAVE AND FAKE- doug wakes up one morning to find his memories of the last 2 days gone. after some searching he finds a grave on a moon labelled “to the memory of the memory of the red dwarf movie” doug digs it up and finds a vhs of the movie. he watches it and its so shit and crude and sexist, even moreso than krytie tv. he is so traumatised that he erases his memory and buries the film again. he does this over and over for about 6 years until its revealed it wasnt even the movie, it was an elaborate prank by a knight who escaped from the ar machine. doug gives up on the whole movie lark and goes on to make Back To Earth which is a bit like a movie i suppose

    #226902

    bloodteller

    GIVE AND “BLAKE”- famous rebel and antihero avon kerr stops by the red dwarf posse to deliver some blakes 7 dvds. everyone is really hyped up to watch them but lister accidentally lets slip what happens at the end of series 4’s final episode so they all kill him

    #226903

    bloodteller

    BLAKE IN THE RED: roj blake and the liberator crew stop by red dwarf for a bit. unfortunately its the crap johnny vegas version of blake from that bloody awful “blakes junction 7” film. the crew are so disappointed that they use the time drive to jettison blake back to 23rd century earth, where he gets a job as a pink policeman

    meanwhile kryten and cat take up stonemasonry

    #226905

    Dave

    SNACK TO REALITY

    Snacky is killed by the despair squid and wakes up to realise that his life as a snack-dispensing droid was all an elaborate total-immersion videogame. In real life, he is in fact Asclepius, a deranged medical droid. Traumatised by this realisation, he attempts to kill himself by jumping down a lift shaft. But it turns out he is on the bottom floor so he only falls down a couple of feet and feels a bit foolish afterwards.

    #226906

    Dave

    SNACK TO EARTH

    Snacky, having recovered from the effects of the Despair Squid, inadvertently opens a portal to Earth, where he finds out that he is a fictional character who is laughed at because he has a spatula on his head. Traumatised by this revelation, he tracks down his creator and pushes him down a lift shaft.

    #226907

    Dave

    SNACK IN THE RED: PART ONE

    Snacky is asked if he wants to appear in Red Dwarf VIII Remastered. Traumatised by this invitation, he waits at the bottom of a lift shaft to be crushed to death.

    #226908

    Dollar Pound

    SNACKWARDS ELK

    snacky invents a machine for travelling to parallel universi called the snacky hop drive. they find an alternative version of red dwarf where drinks run snackwards and all drinks are snacks. the crew are fascinated by this new world but find that soup is unaffected. plus elk

    #226909

    Dollar Pound

    but was it a snacident

    #226912

    flanl3

    BACKSIDE IN THE RED

    Lister is so happy to see Red Dwarf again that he is overcome with a temporary bout of insanity and lops off his arse, leaves it in the landing bay, and turns Starbug right around and takes off again, but was it an arsident?

    #226913

    Dave

    SNACK IN THE BED

    Lister has a sugar-puff sandwich while reclining in the top bunk.

    Meanwhile, Rimmer starts a new career as a cab driver. Unfortunately he has a minor prang on his first day. But was it a taxi dent?

    #226915

    flanl3

    SMACK IN THE BED

    Lister and Rimmer become bored and decide to experiment together with masochistic sex, and the whip leaves a huge mark across Rimmer’s face, but was it a smaccident?

    #226916

    flanl3

    SLAPSTICK THE REDS

    Literally just a bunch of communism jokes.

    #226918

    Dave

    COELIAC IN THE BREAD

    When an eager-to-impress Rimmer invites his boss over for dinner, he makes sure to prepare a gluten-free menu to account for his superior’s coeliac disease. But when a drunken Lister interferes with the cloches and substitutes every single dish for a loaf of bread, a red-faced Rimmer finds himself struggling to concoct at the last minute a three-course meal that won’t lead his line manager to experience violent bouts of nausea and vomiting. The resultant farce is resolved when Snacky pushes everyone down a lift shaft.

    #226919

    Dollar Pound

    BEYOND A JOKING APART VHS

    rifling through salvage, kryten’s junky half brother finds not just an old vhs of joking apart starring robert bathurst and fiona gillies, but also a badly soiled ghostwatch vid.

    #226920

    Dollar Pound

    POLYELK: SNACKWARDS II

    returning to the parallel universe where drinks are snacks and snacks are drinks, lister enjoys an ale and steak pie-nt

    #226921

    Dollar Pound

    SNACKMEN OF THE APSNACKOLYPSE

    snacky’s snackdrive is infected by an ‘elk virus’ which means kryten has to sit on the spatula on his head to download the virus into a nanobotic ar suite in his anus. in the game he is a drunk sherif in his anus.

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