Idea for an episode.

[si]

Dead Dwarf: Lister doesn’t take a cat on board, and dies in a radiation leak.

[bloodteller]

“Dead Dwarf: Lister doesn’t take a cat on board, and dies in a radiation leak.”

but if he’d died in the radiation leak he would have never existed in the first place because he needed to exist on Starbug in the future to take his baby self back to the past to leave under the pool table in order for him to exist.

*camera explodes*

[Pete Part Three]

Curiosity Killed The Cat

The Cat embarks on one of his ‘general investigations’ of the Cargo deck. On his travels, he’s run over by Rimmer. Rimmer rushes him to the medi-bay where Chippy tells him that the Cat’s injuries are so severe that he recommends he be put to sleep. Rimmer agrees and Cat is put down. Rimmer then has to get a new cat that looks similar in the hope that Lister never realises.

The episode swiftly becomes even more controversial than Timewave. Did Rimmer deliberately murder Cat? Is the episode advocating euthanasia? Is the search for a new cat hideously racist, especially the scene with the blackface?

Everyone logs onto G+T to rip the episode to pieces, apart from one regular user who doesn’t think it’s offensive at all. So that’s alright, then.

[Ridley]

Dr. Clitoris’ transphobic alien subplot

[Rubber]

‘Rim Her’

While wiping Lister’s anus after a particularly aggressive vindaloo, Kryten discovers a talent for rimming. Despite their initial reluctance, the rest of the crew allow him to practice his newfound skill on them as well, and soon getting rimmed by Kryten’s soft little mechanoid tongue becomes a regular part of daily life on board ship. Kochanski returns quite by chance and on her first night back Kryten goes into her quarters and starts rimming her while she is asleep. Kochanski wakes up and is so horrified by this sexual assault that she feeds him into the ship’s incinerator. The next day the others explain to her that they had an unspoken agreement with Kryten that he could rim them all because ‘he got so much out of it and he was really good at it’. Kochanski stares at them in disbelief. They all realise how odd it must seem that they let a robot lick their anuses each night and agree to never refer to it Kryten ever again. Kochanski’s expression of incredulous horror remains for the rest of the series.

[cwickham]

M-Cloche: All cloches become invisible to the crew. Mealtime is ruined forever.

[bloodteller]

CAN OF SPERMS- the Cat wanks into a jar and tries to sell it to Rimmer as alien ectoplasm. Rimmer is dubious about the whole thing, so its up to him and Lister to do a taste test.

the sounds of the studio audience vomiting in disgust can be heard in the background.

[Ridley]

M-BOP: Everyone becomes Hanson.

[Pete Part Three]

Thanks for the Mammaries: Kochanski uses the time wand to give herself a boob job.

[Pete Part Three]

Balance of Gower: The crew go to the circus. Guest starring David Gower as a Tight-rope walker.

[Rubber]

‘Queerg’

The ship’s backup-backup computer kicks in and is a gay man. Doug attempts to write a gay character without constantly referring to his sexuality and mannerisms, nor the slightly uncomfortable reactions of the crew to this handsless face on a screen. Success is not guaranteed.

[Pete Part Three]

Everybody Becomes Right-On: Ziggy returns to the show to educate the crew on political correctness.

[Pete Part Three]

Holoshit : Rimmer cacks his pants. (2 part episode)

[Rubber]

‘White Hole’

The crew run out of curry and are forced to barter with an anally fixated tribe of GELFs for further supplies, or else simply not eat curry. The GELFs collect and frame the arseholes of their defeated foes and insist on inspecting the ring pieces of the Dwarf posse in return for the curry. Rimmer’s dazzling Caucasian anus – a rarity in GELF circles – is agreed as the price. The gang try to convince him to part with his bum for the sake of curry, reasoning that as a hologram he doesn’t need it anyway. He refuses and eventually Lister persuades Kryten to chloroform him and hand him over to the GELFs for the arsectomy process. The surgery commences and the GELF surgeon quickly realise he can’t make a dent in Rimmer’s hard light drive. The crew exchange panicked looks, but suddenly Kochanski turns up. They turn to her with sinister, ingratiating smiles. Credits roll. Yes l

[Rubber]

‘Yes I’

[cwickham]

Polymorph 1.5: The crew discover the second Polymorph in Lister’s clean underpants drawer. This causes them all to remember how shit Remastered was and they all die of a collective brain aneurysm.

[Pete Part Three]

We Wish You A Smeggy Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and Rimmer is refusing to allow Lister time-off from doing the annual cargo check to enjoy the yuletide season. Rimmer is also very rude to Hoagy the Roguey who’s now homeless and has to resort to performing christmas carols and giving hand-jobs to earn money.

Later that night, Rimmer is haunted by the resurrected hologram of his brother Howard who urges him to change his uncharitable and grumpy ways. Rimmer refuses to listen. Howard engages the services of Lister and Kryten (played by Robert Llewellyn) to find out why Rimmer is such a cunt.

Using magic, Lister takes Rimmer back to Christmas Past and a pre-accident Red Dwarf where they observe Young Rimmer avoiding the festivities shortly after the humiliation of Gazpacho Soup Day. They then see his heart being broken by Yvonne McGruder a few Christmases later. A tearful young Rimmer sings A Winter’s Tale by David Essex. The studio audience shift uncomfortably in their seats, but clap anyway.

We return to the present where Kryten attempts to show Rimmer the magic and joy of Christmas Present. They all sit around the table and exchange dialogue about the inventor of formica for several minutes. It is very funny.

Then the Grim Reaper (Ed Bye) arrives, warning Rimmer of his untimely demise in Christmas Future. Rimmer correctly points out that he’s already dead and the episode kind of ends abruptly without any real conclusion. After the end credits, Lister looks at the camera and says “Incidentally, a smeggy Christmas to all of you at home”.

The Cat is absent from this episode as he doesn’t give a shit about Rimmer. Also Danny is involved in a contract dispute with Doug at the time.

[cwickham]

We Wish You A Smeggy Christmas Remastered: The Cat now appears in the episode by way of a greenscreened Danny John-Jules being composited into the opening scene.

[Dave]

Barack In The Red: Part One

When the crew stumble across a research facility that claims to have resurrected several former US presidents and cured them from evil, it’s up to the crew to decide whether to trust them or leave them to die from something that is suddenly going to coincidentally show up and kill them all in a few hours. Luckily, any moral ambiguity is eliminated when it turns out that was all bollocks and they’re all actually robots, or something.

Baracus In The Red: Part Two

On their way back from the facility, the bemused Boys From The Dwarf are stunned and delighted to realise that some mutated DVD-cleaning fluid brings their favourite TV shows to life, allowing much-loved fictional characters to step out of the screen and into reality. But when an A-Team marathon heralds the arrival of Bosco B.A. ‘Bad Attitude’ Baracus, he immediately deems the crew to all be fools and insists on pitying them incessantly until they all eat at least seventeen Snickers bars.

Baraka In The Red: Part Three

When the Snickers-engorged Dwarfers get trapped inside a malfunctioning AR machine during a session on Mortal Kombat II, they are quickly disemboweled by a bald man with cartoonishly large teeth and razor-sharp swords embedded in each arm.

[Rubber]

‘Nan-Archie’

The crew discover Lister’s dear old gran floating through deep space in a stasis pod. She moves into the spare bedroom on Red Dwarf and spends all her time complaining and criticising the boys. One evening she finds Kryten’s rogue portable penis in the drawer of her bedside table and begins making use of its stimulating properties. Lister eventually learns of this and struggles to come to terms with the idea of his grandmother getting fucked by Kryten, even if Kryten wasn’t present or aware of this. Rimmer and Cat share a look that tacitly says ‘fucking hell, it’s turned into the Lister and Kryten Show again, how 1997’ and wander off to play cards in the green room until they’re needed on set again in a few years.

[Rubber]

‘Cry Titty V’

For the fifth night in a row, Kryten sobs wretchedly over the fact that Kochanski has breasts which are aesthetically appealing to Lister.

[Rubber]

‘Cry Titty VI’

Mrs Critcop overhears Cat’s savage comments about her breasts. It makes her sad.

[Dave]

Quran Teen

When the crew stumble across an abandoned deep-space academic research facility, discover a young Muslim scholar in stasis and decide to unfreeze her, the arses of viewers across the nation clench in unison as the audience realises that the show has decided to broach such a potentially controversial and complex topic.

However, preconceptions are dashed after the the youthful theologist leads the episode into a thoughtful and nuanced discussion of Islam, its history and its place in the modern world.

The only fly in the ointment is the arrival of Chris Barrie in a gingham dress with a penguin glove puppet, intent on ‘funnying up’ the episode while also providing a fanwanky callback to a much-loved classic-era story for the fifteenth episode in a row.

[cwickham]

“Pete Part Two”

The Dwarfers feed a dinosaur some curry and it shits everywhere.

[bloodteller]

CRACK TO REALITY: Lister snorts so much cocaine that he believes he’s a facist dictator on a dystopian Earth and none of his friends are real. it’s up to the rest of the Dwarfers to get him back to the Priory

[cwickham]

SACK TO REALITY: The show is referred to Ofcom.

[Rubber]

‘Pension Sheet’

Lister begins to worry about old age and opens an Excel document to keep track of his pension contributions. Meanwhile, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten find an abandoned baby in a stasis booth and try to keep it comfortable and alive, with hilariously unsuccessful results.

[Rubber]

‘Fascist Leak’

The crew encounter a scientific research facility where a clone of Mussolini has been kept in stasis after supposedly being cured of evil. Although apparently now nice, a side-effect of the treatment is that he is also incontinent. Meanwhile, Kryten becomes a wedding planner.

[Rubber]

‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Skutters’

Rimmer has left his keys somewhere. But where?

[Pete Part Three]

Back to Earth 2049

Cat and Kryten go shopping.

(The plot has nothing to do with the recent Blade Runner movie, but there are lots of references to it anyway)

[Ridley]

The JMC sends Lister and Rimmer on a team building exercise.

[Rubber]

‘The Last Gay’

The crew find the stupid anti-criticism ship from Timewave smashed on an asteroid. Ziggy is the only survivor but his limbs are crushed beyond repair and he is in constant pain. The crew awkwardly debate among themselves whether smashing his skull in with one of the large rocks nearby would be considered a mercy killing or a homophobic attack.

[Pete Part Three]

Plot Hole

Lister suddenly realises that he’s had his appendix removed twice and voices his concerns to Rimmer. Rimmer sympathises as he’s a bit confused about how exactly he saved the crew from that chameleonic microbe and how he’s now a hologram. Kryten deduces that a large amount of inconsistencies are being spewed into the universe by an ever-expanding plot hole. The Cat asks “so, what is it?” several times and we all die a little inside. Doug wanders onto the set, sticks his fingers in his ears and sings “la la laaa”

[cwickham]

Polymorph IV: The Final Chapter

[Rubber]

‘Dimension Lump’

All that hopping between dimensions has given Ace Rimmer pancreatic cancer.

[cwickham]

‘Dimension Hump’

Ace Rimmer gets crabs.

[bloodteller]

CACK IN THE RED- Rimmer does a shit in his red uniform and so has to wear his green one for the rest of the day.

yes it’s a prequel to The Inquisitor.

[Pete Part Three]

Dimension Trump

Donald Trump arrives from another dimension. Everybody shits on his head. BAFTA winning episode.

[bloodteller]

SHAQ IN THE RED: the nanobots have inexplicably resurrected the 2010 Boston Celtics basketball team. amongst them is professional basketballer Shaquille O’ Neal, who asks exactly why a mining ship had a basketball court in its secret prison, and why there were specifically-made uniforms for the guards and convicts. to stop him from poking any more holes in the plot, Lister flushes him out of an airlock, remarking “What an absolute Shaq.”

[cwickham]

LACK IN THE RED: Owing to a lack of red paint, Red Dwarf is repainted pink. Ziggy gets involved somehow because he’s gay.

[Rubber]

‘Homoship’

After the crew discover, name and take soil samples from a ‘Helium-7’-rich moon (Planet Rimmer), Starbug is hit by a Time Wave, bringing them into contact with a Twenty-Third Century ship, the S.S. Enconium. However, there are two problems. First, the ship is set on a horrific collision course with Planet Rimmer. And second, upon the ship, all forms of criticism are punishable by life imprisonment or ‘draining’.

[Pete Part Three]

Gove and Take

Michael Gove turns up and treats everyone to his repetioir of topical jokes. Doug tells him to tone it down for fear of offending people.

[Rubber]

‘Office Chair Rimmer’

Who’s taken Rimmer’s lumbar support?

[Rubber]

‘Red In The Cack’

Oh dear, Lister’s got piles again.

[cwickham]

“Waiting for Gove”: Thrilling prequel to “Gove and Take”.

[cwickham]

“Cable TV”: A rival broadcaster to Krytie TV is set up by the leader of the Liberal Democrats.

[Rubber]

‘Kry Sis’

Kryten’s drug addict sister turns up, almost gets everyone killed, then dies.

[cwickham]

“Only the Gove…”: Dramatic conclusion to the trilogy.

[Pete Part Three]

Letdown

The crew use a matter-paddle to travel to Earth in February 1999. They observe how audiences reacted to Series VIII.

[cwickham]

“Flack in the Red”: A crossover with “Love Island”.

[Author]

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