What if Red Dwarf had started in 2006 and not 1987?

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This topic contains 101 replies, has 30 voices, and was last updated by  Dollar Pound 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #217633

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    #217634

    SoundableObject

    “My Pokemon cards must be worth a fortune”

    #217635

    SoundableObject

    “You mean like persuade Dustin Hoffman not to make Meet the Fockers?”

    #217636

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Titanic! They’ve remade Titanic.

    Philistines! The one starring Gaby Roslin and Rio Ferdinand was definitive.

    #217637

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Or the day Johnny Vaughan was shot.

    #217639

    Darrell

    Timejpegs

    #217640

    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    Only last month, we came across a moon shaped exactly like Pippa Middletons bottom. We flew around that one a couple of times.

    #217641

    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    Oh ignore me…. I’m in the wrong time period

    #217642

    Darrell

    “But where do all the Minidiscs go?”

    #217645

    Darrell

    TAIWAN TONY B. LIARS

    #217646

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    The war on terrorform.

    #217647

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Holly’s buffering again, switch their genderfluid GUI off and on.

    #217648

    Taiwan Tony

    “Don’t see ‘Eragon’.”

    #217649

    Dave Wallace

    Oh Noel, look what’s happened to Liam.

    #217653

    SoundableObject

    Saddam Hussein is a “bit dodgy”!

    #217654

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    This thread has turned out way better than I expected.

    #217655

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    Why don’t you listen to something really classical, like Mozart, Mendelssohn, or Miley Cyrus?

    #217658

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Oh my God, it’s James Blunt. I recognise him from Rimmer’s Spotify.

    #217659

    Dave Wallace

    I’ve seen “10 Things I Hate About You”, that’s based on one of them.

    #217660

    SoundableObject

    They’re from the United Utilities Federation.

    #217664

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    Supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years, although we have run out of Cilit Bang.

    #217665

    si

    “…You ever see The Simpsons?”
    “…Do you think Marge’s sexy?”

    #217666

    si

    No, that’s shit. Wrong time period.

    #217667

    clem

    “Well I’m not fully qualified, but I’ve seen every episode of Chicago Hope.”

    #217670

    Dave Wallace

    “He’s got an iphone, and an Apple Mac, so that he can correlate his facts.”

    #217672

    Taiwan Tony

    Half the time it was me telling him to ‘fuck off’.

    #217675

    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    “I’m not a combination of the speaking clock, Christian Dior & Nicky Clarke.”

    Although, changing the references in that line makes me realise that the sound of the words is probably more important to that joke than who they actually are.

    #217676

    SoundableObject

    We’ve been copied more times than that JPEG of the tennis girl scratching her butt.

    #217678

    Taiwan Tony

    >We’ve been copied more times than that JPEG of …

    Goatse?

    #217680

    SoundableObject

    Not here, it’s too sandy.

    #217683

    Palf

    “But listen to some of the physicists involved – Heidegger, Chantelle, Price, Essex – some of the most brilliant minds of the 21st century.”

    #217685

    peas_and_corn

    Norman Lovett will moan about his ball being taken away on the documentary

    #217690

    curtis

    “We could go to Paris in 1997 and shout, stop. Sorry, I must have bypassed my good taste chip”

    #217691

    Taiwan Tony

    “Me, who do you think, Pat Sharp?”

    #217692

    Darrell

    “No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your cadet school training officer at Beat The Geek.”

    #217698

    Paul Muller

    “FIFA, Wii Tennis, you name it.”

    “Mario Kart”

    #217707

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    A reversed shot of Rob Grant vaping.

    Here matey, drinky? Bmobregäj.

    #217708

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    You know what the worst book ever written is? Football: It’s A Funny Old Game, by John Terry.

    #217709

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    As if John Terry can read, let alone write.

    #217718

    Dollar Pound

    don’t give me that red dwarf crap it’s too early in the morning

    #217721

    Stabbim the Skutter

    Whatever you do, don’t see Mamma Mia.

    #217723

    Stabbim the Skutter

    It’s better to have loved and to have lost…than to have listened to an album by Taylor Swift.

    #217725

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    This ol’ baby’s crashed more times than an original model Xbox 360.

    #217726

    Darrell

    “The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Taybarns”

    #217727

    Darrell

    “I was in love once. A Game Boy Advance. People said, no, Holly, she’s not for you. She’s cheap, she’s stupid and you can’t see her screen in low lighting conditions.”

    #217729

    Dave Wallace

    “What, dressed like that?”

    “Yeah – going to see Deep Blue Sea.”

    #217734

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Where would all the calculator apps go?

    Stiff upper router, old girl.

    #217736

    SoundableObject

    Big Smeg, Little Smeg

    #217737

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    I’ll be in my quarters, covered in gluten-free taramasalata.

    #217739

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Don’t you remember, sir? We battled the non-binary gender beast from the Mogadon Cluster.

    #217740

    Dave Wallace

    Then buy a potion from Dumbledore, the master wizard, that’s what I usually do.

    #217741

    International Debris

    Any chance we can stop with the non-binary jokes now?

    #217742

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Why?

    #217743

    International Debris

    Because I’m genderqueer and thus seeing gender dysphoria such as mine used as a punchline of a joke is pretty unpleasant.

    #217745

    KyoSo

    I agree with Debris.

    Bollocking damn and jumbo LimeWire.

    #217748

    SoundableObject

    Queeg: He gets all his answers on astronomy, phenomenology and physics from a single website.
    Rimmer: What’s the website?
    Queeg: BBC Bitesize. It’s the only one he can find which has pictures.

    #217752

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    International Debris, no, you’re not.

    Groovy YouTube Channel 27.

    #217753

    International Debris

    We live in a society in which transphobia is still tolerated to a reasonable extent, and despite the acceptance of people being outside the gender binary having existed in myriad cultures throughout history, I know it’s something that a lot of people are still unhappy with in modern western society. I’m not interested in an argument on the matter or anything of the kind, which is simply why I asked politely if you could not make any more jokes. Whether you believe gender dysphoria like mine is a genuine thing or just me being a loony, one way or another it’s something that affects my mental wellbeing on a daily basis and therefore I’d prefer it if you’d have the compassion to take my feelings into account. Thanks.

    #217754

    SoundableObject

    You’re clearly being a cunt on purpose, PTS. You’ve been given the benefit of the doubt before but clearly you are.

    #217756

    Phil

    Yeah, you’re going out of the way to be shitty at this point. If your goal is to make sure nobody misses you the next time you inevitably quit the forum, though, you’re doing great.

    #217757

    Ridley

    You might get words associated with an apology but I think the sincerity costs extra.

    #217762

    International Debris

    I’m realistic about it; I’ve accepted that a lot of people will be skeptical about something that seemingly goes against what society at large teaches them. I’m happy with my own gender identity – especially after learning it’s something that’s existed throughout history – and that’s what matters. I don’t expect societal reform on my behalf. If someone believes my gender dysphoria is real, or whether it’s ‘all in my head’, that’s up to them. But I just ask that they accept that *I* believe I’m genderqueer. I always try to be a decent, open minded and unmalicious person, and in return I only hope that people don’t make me the butt of spiteful jokes.

    I’m not a teenager who’s adopted a gender identity as part of a lifestyle to attract attention and provocation. I hate arguing about gender; I barely mention it online; and much as I don’t like to, I generally dress down to avoid confrontation that can come from looking femme. I know / hope that does break the stereotype that the original jokes were almost certainly made in reference to.

    Anyway, I’m not demanding apologies or anything (a sincere apology comes regardless of demand, and an insincere one is pointless), my only request was some sensitivity around targets of jokes. That said, I think I’ll bow out of this thread because, as I say, I generally hate the shit that comes with these kind of arguments. I love G&T because the shared passion for Red Dwarf makes me really happy, and I don’t want to taint that experience with stuff that makes me unhappy.

    If, on the off chance, someone wants to discuss this kind of thing with me in any way whatsoever you can probably find me following G&T people on Twitter.

    #217766

    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    I miss the days when John Hoare would call me a cunt for protesting against the licence fee. It’s all got a bit Tumblr around here. I can’t wrap my head around this multiple gender doo-dah but it was just part of a joke, not the joke itself, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I’ll curb the gender jokes but some of you have to chill the fuck out.

    #217768

    Pete Part Three

    Could you not just fuck off all together?

    1. Make inappropriate comment
    2. Apologise in a shit way
    3. React badly when your apology is not accepted because it’s not sincere
    4. Threaten to leave
    5. Come back 2 days later.

    [REPEAT ENDLESSLY]

    #217769

    Taiwan Tony

    You’re such a hypocrite, PTS, it’s almost impressive.

    #217770

    Dave Wallace

    It’s almost as though making dick comments, trying to turn yourself into the focus of every thread, and constantly declaring that you’re leaving the forum (only to return immediately) is textbook troll behaviour, isn’t it?

    It was bad enough that it ruined the Westworld thread, let’s not make it a habit. If PTS really wants to draw a line under the controversy then let’s all move on and maybe PTS can refrain from the dickish behaviour in future. But I would bet money on his next post somehow being about himself and his impact on the forum again.

    I think most people here would rather talk about Red Dwarf.

    #217781

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    Fuck’s sake. Another thread ruined by this tedious prick. I will not tolerate transphobia, or any other type of prejudice, and I certainly won’t tolerate decent members of this community being made to feel like they have to stop participating as a result of one person being a tosser.

    Pete Tranter’s Sister – the very next time you say something that we deem to be needlessly offensive or inappropriate towards a fellow forum member, you’re permanently banned. Plus, I don’t want any back and forth about the rights and wrongs of what you said – it’s 2016, and it’s you that’s out of step, not the rest of us. Either fall in line with literally the only rule of this place (namely: don’t be a dick), or I’ll resolve the issue the easy way.

    #217795

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    Anyway:

    Hang on, hang on. Someone’s being brought out, they’re tying him to a stake. It’s Iggle Piggle!

    #217800

    Darrell

    “If you want me I’ll be in my quarters, covered in Frubes.”

    #217805

    flanl

    Tikka would instead be an episode on GWB causing 9/11

    #217808

    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    The tenth anniversary night, this year, would be hosted by Chris Pine, and feature The Great British Smeg Off and Pointless Universe.

    #217809

    Darrell

    Talkie AGA.

    #217810

    Dave Wallace

    “Jamie Kennedy… it’s gotta be…”

    #217815

    Jo TORDFC

    Holly, this is Rimmer. Remember me? Rimmer… Arnold Rimmer?
    The poor goit you made look like Amy Winehouse.

    #217816

    Phil

    Is this an iPhone 5s? Does it look even remotely like an iPhone 5s?

    *This* is an iPhone 5s, Lister. This is an iPhone 5c. Are you blind?

    (puts back wrong iPhone)

    #217818

    Ben Paddon

    Smoke me a UKIPper, I’ll be back for Brexit.

    (Rather shamelessly yoinked from someone on Tumblr, but too good not to share.)

    #217819

    si

    “But it’s obscene. A book is a thing of beauty. The voice of
    freedom, the essence of civilisation”
    “‘My Booky Wook’?”

    #217833

    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    The tenth anniversary night, this year, would be hosted by Chris Pine, and feature The Great British Smeg Off and Pointless Universe.

    I’d watch the fuck out of that!

    #217846

    flanl

    “I’ve just finished reading everything put by anyone on MySpace ever”

    #217850

    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    “…or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Sam Neill?”

    #217852

    Ridley

    “What’s it turned me into?”

    *fedora rises above counter*

    “A meninist?!”

    #217874

    Ben Paddon

    “For the last four minutes you have been engaged in the PlayStation VR game, Red Dwarf. And you’ve had to stop because you’re starting to feel queasy.”

    #217876

    Ridley

    Pre-order the season pass now for unlockable Sheriff Kryten skin and dildonics DLC

    #217939

    Phobos And Deimos

    Keep writing those YouTube videos with a peak of 20,000 views, kid.

    Ommmmmmmmm *VARIOUS DUBSTEP SOUNDS*

    #219409

    Stephen Abootman

    CAT: Five Gmail invites?
    RIMMER: Six Gmail invites!
    CAT: Oooowwww!

    #219410

    Paul Muller

    “I’m not a combination of the Apple Watch, ASOS and Nicky Clarke”

    #219411

    SoundableObject

    Kryten: Digital Versatile Discs, sir. DVD for short. They were really popular in the early part of the 21st century before they died out and were replaced with what we use now.
    Lister: What? Nokia Rok Digital Video Chips?
    Kryten: Precisely

    #219412

    Paul Muller

    “He’s never been mistaken for Greg Wallace – he’s not bald and his head doesn’t…um…shwallace.”

    #219417

    quinn_drummer

    Well, it’s not exactly female-orientated anymore, not since the the equal-rights-for-men marches. You know, they burned their jockstraps and all that. Haven’t you read “The Male Eunuch” by Piers Morgan

    #219418

    Paul Muller

    “Come on, Rimmer, the only reason you knocked around with those prats from /r/TheRedPill was you could never get a date.”

    #219419

    quinn_drummer

    Are you vaping, Lister? In the drive room!

    #219421

    Manbird

    “You mean persuade Robert De Niro not to make…?”

    Well, the choices are limitless, really.

    #219440

    Dave Wallace

    Limitless would definitely be my choice.

    #219450

    ReddiShadow

    *Kryten enters wearing one of those cardboard cut out Alan Carr masks and a grey hoodie*
    …well, you said ‘look inconspicuous’!”

    #219491

    Plastic Percy

    “You can’t get ahold of these for love nor money. These are like Venus’ arms! These are like Keira Knightley’s buttocks!”

    #219855

    bloodteller

    CAPTAIN: Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardize every man and woman on this ship — not only that — but you take a selfie of yourself with the cat and share it on the crew’s Facebook group. Now, I’m going to ask you again, do you have a cat?

    #219856

    flanl

    In 2006?

    #219862

    bloodteller

    i guess so

    #219863

    Darrell

    A webcam screenshot on Bebo, perhaps.

    #219866

    SoundableObject

    He changed it to his MSN Messenger picture.

    #219868

    flanl

    He put Frankenstein in his MySpace top 8.

    #219870

    Dollar Pound

    rd started in 2009 and was called ‘community’

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