Series I Deleted Scenes Features Posted by Ian Symes on 13th May 2003, 23:00 The deleted scenes from Series I are mostly rubbish. Let’s just sort that out straight away. But that doesn’t stop them from being absolutely fascinating. This document is a complete guide to all the scenes that were cut or trimmed from the first series, with an explanation, transcript and notes. For some scenes, the deleted dialogue is presented [thusly]. Not all scenes are presented this way, as they are composed entirely of deleted dialogue, and it would look silly. Deleted Scene 1 Taken From: The End Parts of the pilot episode were later re-written and filmed again in front of a different studio audience, as this alternate version of the first scene shows. [SCENE: A Red Dwarf corridor.] LISTER: Oooh! Rimmer, can I have a go? RIMMER: [Pause] No. LISTER: But I’ve been pushing the trolley all shift. Why can’t you push the trolley and let me burn the circuits? RIMMER: Shut up, Lister. And that’s an order. LISTER: How about… RIMMER: N-O spells ‘no’. LISTER: No, listen. How about I remove one eeny, teeny, weeny little rivet, you remove the other one and burn the circuit, and I’ll even still push the trolley. OK? RIMMER: Look, Lister. As long as I’m second technician, and you’re just… what is it again? LISTER: Captain. RIMMER: Third technician. You will push the trolley and I’ll be the one who does everything else. Alright? LISTER: Doesn’t bother me. RIMMER: Good. LISTER: I’m not bothered. RIMMER: You said that, Lister. [Pause] It gives you a feeling verging on ecstasy removing a rivet, you know, Lister. LISTER: It’s a stupid job anyway. I was speaking to Chen, and he said that the only reason they don’t give this job to the service droids, is they don’t want to waste their time. RIMMER: That’s a lie. LISTER: No, it’s not. Rimmer, Rimmer, you rank below all four of those service droids. Even the one that’s broken. RIMMER: Oh yes? Well, not for long, squire. Up, up and ever upwards; that’s where I’m going. LISTER: Not until you pass your engineer’s exam. And you won’t do that ’cause you’ll fail. Again. NOTES: Some of this dialogue is not very funny, as the lack of audience response will testify. However, we feel that Lister’s line “Even the one that’s broken” is funnier than the broadcast version (“Even the one that’s gone absolutely mad”). A very similar version to this scene can be found in the Red Dwarf Omnibus. Deleted Scene 2 Taken from: The End An alternate version of the bunkroom scene, which would later also be re-shot. [SCENE: Bunkroom.] LISTER: There goes McIntyre. Bye, George. That was George. RIMMER: Off. LISTER: I was watching that. RIMMER: Well, too bad, Lister. I’ve got an exam in the morning. [LISTER reaches for his guitar.] RIMMER: You touch that guitar, Lister; I’ll remove the E string and garrotte you with it. LISTER: Which E string? Top E or Bottom E? RIMMER: What? What difference does it make? LISTER: I haven’t got a bottom E. I broke it eight months ago. RIMMER: Your existence pains me, Lister. Can’t you vanish to the bar to bum a drink off someone? LISTER: Rimmer, I don’t know why you put yourself through this, you know. You’re only going to go in there and fail again. RIMMER: Correction: I’m not. LISTER: Yes, you are. You’re going to go up in there and write: “I am a fish” 400 times and faint again. RIMMER: That’s a lie, Lister. LISTER: No, it’s not. Petersen told me. RIMMER: “No, it’s not. Petersen told me.” NOTES: This scene, again printed in the Omnibus, is conspicuously void of humour, when compared to the broadcast version. Rimmer displays some genuine hatred for Lister, which is in contrast to the impression you get in the finished series, that Lister and Rimmer are friends, deep down. Chris and Craig were also a tad unsubtle at times, particularly Chris’s “What difference does it make?” line. To be fair to them, this was their first day in front of an audience in a major sit-com role, so you can excuse their inexperience. Deleted Scene 3 Taken from: The End This sequence showing Lister flirting with Kochanski was originally deleted because certain parties thought it embarrassing and nauseating. [SCENE: Drive Room.] LISTER: Hi. Where’s the Captain’s office? KOCHANSKI: Over there, where it says “Captain’s Office.” Where it’s always said “Captain’s Office.” LISTER: So that’s the Captain’s office! So how are you then? KOCHANSKI: Fine. LISTER: Do you know what he wants to see me for? KOCHANSKI: Yes, I think you’ve been promoted to Admiral. LISTER: Oh yeah? KOCHANSKI: Yeah. For your diligence and general devotion to duty. LISTER: Oh yeah? [What’s that button for? KOCHANSKI: (laughs) Don’t touch that button! LISTER: What, this button? [LISTER touches the button, and KOCHANSKI’s chair lowers.] LISTER: Funny. It does that every time I press it, you know. You want to get it fixed. KOCHANSKI: Yeah, yeah.] HOLLISTER: Lister! [LISTER: Bye! KOCHANSKI: Bye!] NOTES: It would be interesting to know which parties didn’t find the scene embarrassing and nauseating, as it bloody was. Craig and Clare Grogan simply do not make a convincing on-screen couple, which is something that should have been addressed during the casting. As a result, Kochanski’s role in the series is greatly reduced, compared to the original intention. Deleted Scene 4 Taken from: The End This much talked about funeral scene was cut, as it was a total disaster on every level. The Cat’s appearance was subsequently filmed as a separate scene. [SCENE: Drive Room.] LISTER: Fourth Engineer Grace Allender. I never knew you, Grace. I’m really sorry you’re dead. [He puts Allender’s canister into a disposal unit, and presses the release button.] Mineral Geologist First Class Jeremy Black. Ditto. [He repeats the procedure with Black’s canister.] Drive Officer Russell Farnsworth. Same again. [He does it again.] RIMMER: Are you going to take this long over all of them? LISTER: Second Technician Arnold Rimmer. RIMMER: Can I do this one? LISTER: (Pause) Yeah. RIMMER: There wasn’t a single person on board this ship who didn’t have a special place in their heart for Arnie Rimmer. He was an outstanding technician who worked damned hard to better himself, but just didn’t know exam technique. How best to remember this, oh, this prince among men? There are so many wonderful stories; it’s difficult to choose. I remember once when Arnie was in the Refectory on a lunch break, indulging one of his favourite past-times: Elbow-Titting. That’s where you brush your elbow against a woman’s breast and pretend it was an accident. Now, Arnie did this to Lovell, and she punched him on the shoulder and said ‘Drop dead, creep’! And Arnie, Arnie poured an entire jug of custard over her head and ran away. What a guy. What a guy. What a sportsman. But now, he’s dead. I’m dead. Excuse me. [LISTER ejects Rimmer’s canister.] LISTER: First Console Officer Kristine Kochanski. You never knew this, but I was in love with you. That’s why I always used to make your chair go lower when I came into the Drive Room. I kept on meaning to ask you out, but I was so scared you’d say no, I never did. I don’t know what to say. You had a funny sort of squint when you were smiling. That was nice. And you looked lovely when you concentrated. You were going to wear a white dress and ride the horses, and I was going to take care of everything else. It was a good plan. [Shortly after LISTER ejects the canister, a sharp-looking MAN enters the room.] MAN: OK, I’m going to slide in here, in this big room, and see if there’s any food in it. How am I looking? [Checks mirror] Looking good. Ooooh! Hey! [Spots LISTER] Uh-oh. LISTER: Holly, who is this? HOLLY: During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens were safely sealed in the cargo bay. They’ve been breeding there for three million years, and have evolved into the life form you now see jiggling one of my terminals. CAT: Damn. I’m embarrassed now. I’m going to comb my hair. LISTER: Wait. Are you trying to say that the man is a cat? HOLLY: Yes, Dave. LISTER: I don’t get it, Hol. HOLLY: Look, you know how mankind evolved from apes? LISTER: Yeah. HOLLY: Well, he evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats. He’s descended from cats. He’s a cat. LISTER: But… HOLLY: If you tell me you don’t understand, I’ll open all the airlocks and flush you into space. LISTER: Hello, Cat. CAT: Whoa! Crease! [He remedies this problem with a travel iron.] NOTES: Well, it wasn’t a total disaster. We were prepared for the terrible dialogue by reading it in the Omnibus. Rimmer’s speech was alright in parts, and Holly’s line about jiggling his terminal was brilliant. The worst thing about the scene is the acting. Chris Barrie ranges from the subtle “He’s dead. I’m dead. Excuse me.” to the ridiculous “Drop dead, creep!” Craig is more consistent – he’s terrible throughout, the ultimate example being his “but…” which was followed up by a poor Holly line. The pedal bin/canister dispenser was indeed rubbish, but the sound effect helps to mask this. All we can say is thank goodness they managed to find the time to to re-shoot parts of The End, or it could have been so very different with the original scenes still there. Deleted Scene 5 Taken from: Balance of Power This additional dialogue between Lister and his boozing mates was cut for time. [SCENE: The Refectory] RIMMER: Where’s my revision timetable, Lister? It’s Saturday night. No one works Saturday night. You don’t work any night. You don’t work any day. Skive hard, play hard, that’s our motto. Lister, where did you put my revision timetable? It’s Saturday night. No one works Saturday night. You don’t work… [RIMMER wanders off. Everyone else laughs heartily.] [PETERSEN: Hey, let’s get some serious drinking going here. It’s nearly eleven o’clock, and I can still see. ALL: Aaaaaargh! CHEN: My turn, my turn. I’ve got a goody. ALL: Aaaaaargh! LISTER: Yo, is that a new tattoo? PETERSEN: Oh, smeg. I must have got it last night. I’m trying to give them up. Every time I get drunk, there’s another one.] CHEN: I’ve been to Titan, I’ve been to Bolanski, I can name 90 men who’ve slept with Kochanski! Me! PETERSEN: Me! SELBY: Me! CHEN: The London Jets Juniors! PETERSEN: The service droids! SELBY: My mother! LISTER: OK, leave it alone. Leave it… NOTES: Not much in the way of new dialogue here, although we do like Petersen’s line about getting new tattoos. Deleted Scene 6 Taken from: Balance of Power This additional dialogue before Lister’s exam was cut for time reasons. [SCENE: Drive Room.] [HOLLY: Would all entrants for the Chef Part One examination please proceed to the Teaching Room. The exam is about to begin. This is the third and final call. RIMMER: Did you hear that, Lister? LISTER: What? RIMMER: Oh, nothing. LISTER: There’s no rush. RIMMER: No rush for what? LISTER: The exam. RIMMER: You did hear it.] You’re not ready for it, you know. Look at you. You should be doing last-second revision. LISTER: I am. I’m revising buns. [RIMMER: You’re doing it on purpose, aren’t you? LISTER: Doing what? RIMMER: Being confident on purpose, to torture me.] I mean, it’s obscene! Missing the entire first minute of the exam! LISTER: OK, here we go. RIMMER: No. You can’t do this to me, Lister. LISTER: Give me Kochanski. RIMMER: No. [LISTER ducks under RIMMER] RIMMER: That was a lousy thing to do to a hologram. Have you no respect for the dead? NOTES: This scene shows just how they achieved the amazing effect of Lister walking through Rimmer in front of the audience – Craig Charles ducked under Chris Barrie’s arm. Obviously, it would be replaced with a simple special effects shot later, This scene is quite effective in building up tension for the exam, and is one of the few scenes from the first series to be dropped for reasons of time, rather than quality. Deleted Scene 7 Taken from: Balance of Power This full-length version of the exam scene features a larger role for CP Grogan as Rimmer inside Kochanski’s body. [SCENE: Teaching Room.] [LISTER is in the middle of his Chef’s Exam. As he takes a hot dish out of the microwave, KOCHANSKI walks in.] KOCHANSKI: Hello, Dave. LISTER: (Pause) Aaargh! [He drops the dish] Eee! Aaa! Ooo! I’m just doing this erm, I’m taking this erm, this is a surprise. KOCHANSKI: Dave, why didn’t you just tell me how you felt about me when I was still alive? LISTER: ‘Cause I’m a dope. And I’m a bum, and I’m stupid, and I’m an idiot, and I’m hopeless, and I’m useless. KOCHANSKI: I’m sorry, but I just don’t like you. LISTER: Oh, ay. I’m really embarrassed now. I don’t know what to say. KOCHANSKI: I suppose it’s sort of pointless you doing the exam now. LISTER: Well, yeah. It’s sort of pointless me breathing in and out, if you want to know the truth. KOCHANSKI: I could never love anyone like you, so you might as well pack up your pots and pans and off you go. [LISTER: So there’s no chance? KOCHANSKI: Absolutely none. So just forget all this malarkey and clear off. LISTER: Yeah, right. KOCHANSKI: In fact, I find you physically repulsive. LISTER: Yeah, so do I.] KOCHANSKI: I need a man who’s going places. Up, up, up the ziggurat, lickety-split. LISTER: So, it didn’t mean anything to you, then? KOCHANSKI: What didn’t? LISTER: You know, when we made love on the snooker table behind the bins. KOCHANSKI: You never told me that. LISTER: I thought you might have noticed. KOCHANSKI: Oh yes! Yes! I remember now! LISTER: We’ve never made love. Go away, Rimmer. KOCHANSKI: Look, look, I’m a bit out of sorts at the moment. I’m having a woman’s period. LISTER: A woman’s period? Women don’t speak like that! Give me a break! I don’t know how you’ve done it, Rimmer, but that is not Kochanski. [KOCHANSKI: Of course it’s Kochanski, you stupid, festering gimboid. Who do you think I am, Rex Harrison? LISTER: Rimmer, the game is up.] KOCHANSKI: It’s Kochanski’s body. It’s Kochanski’s voice. I mean, what’s the difference? Come on! LISTER: The difference is that you’re in there! Ugh! [He shudders] KOCHANSKI: Well, you can’t blame me for trying. [LISTER: Yes, I can! It’s a disgusting thing to do. Now get out of this exam, and get out of that body. KOCHANSKI: Ah-ah-ah-ah! I think I can get this exam invalidated because you’ve been talking to someone!] LISTER: Leave! KOCHANSKI: [Looks down shirt] I’ve seen something you haven’t, squire. [Salutes] OK, Holly, swap disks. NOTES: This is a simply awful scene. Clare Grogan is terrible. Just listen to her saying ‘Of course it’s Kochanski, you stupid, festering gimboid. Who do you think I am, Rex Harrison?’ or ‘I think I can get this exam invalidated because you’ve been talking to someone!’ She’s shit, there’s no other word for it. The few lines that were deleted really make a difference to the scene. Although it’s not much material, it really affects the pace and the realism. In fact, you could say that Clare altered the image. (Sorry.) Deleted Scene 8 Taken from: Waiting For God Rimmer’s additional aliens dialogue was trimmed for reasons of time. [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters] [LISTER is snoring loudly on the top bunk, while RIMMER sits on the bottom bunk.] RIMMER: Lights. Lister, are you awake? Lister? Lister? [Stands up and shouts in LISTER’s ear] LISTER! [LISTER screams and sits bolt upright.] RIMMER: Are you awake? LISTER: Yeah, yeah. RIMMER: Yeah, I couldn’t sleep either. The excitement! LISTER: What excitement? RIMMER: The alien excitement! LISTER: Rimmer, it’s garbage. RIMMER: You can scoff, Lister. That’s nothing new. They laughed at Galileo. They laughed at Columbo. LISTER: Who’s Columbo? RIMMER: The man with the dirty mac who discovered America. LISTER: [Rimmer,] what makes you think these aliens exist? [RIMMER: It’s just common sense. There’s got to be something greater than us. There’s so much I don’t know. The meaning of life. The nature of existence. LISTER: How many n’s are there in ‘banana’? RIMMER: There’s just got to be something out there which makes sense of this pointless, futile, miserable, wretched agony called ‘life’. LISTER: Why? RIMMER: Otherwise, Lister, life would just be a pointless, futile, miserable, wretched agony. LISTER: Oh, Rimmer. What about the good things in life? What about the things that make life worth living? RIMMER: Name one. Just one. LISTER: Oh, come on. RIMMER: Well, Lister, if you don’t believe in God, and you don’t believe in aliens, what do you believe in? What’s the grand purpose? What should we do, Oh Great Lister? LISTER: We should be nice. RIMMER: Is that it? ‘Be nice’? LISTER: Yeah. RIMMER: Where did you find that? Plato? Kierkegaard? The back of a box of matches? LISTER: What else can we do? RIMMER: I mean, how handy to have a philosophy that would double a game-show catchphrase. ‘Be nice!’ LISTER: And what are these aliens going to give you that’s so great anyway? RIMMER: The answers! Technology! And maybe, even a new body.] LISTER: Oooh, I can’t wait to see your face in the morning, I really can’t. RIMMER: And nor I yours, Lister. When that pod opens and from it emerges a beautiful alien woman with long green hair and six breasts. LISTER: Six breasts? Imagine making love to a woman with six breasts! RIMMER: Imagine making love to a woman! [He pulls some appropriate pervy faces.] NOTES: In the broadcast version, the dialogue was replaced with some much funnier gags about cinema hotdogs, the Bermuda Triangle, and intergalactic pus-filled cold sores. However, the gags here are not that bad, and the acting is fine, with the possible exception of Chris’s odd faces at the end. Deleted Scenes 9 & 10 Taken from: Confidence & Paranoia These two short gags were removed for reasons of time. [SCENE: Drive Room.] RIMMER: Let me ask you one question. LISTER: It’s no use arguing, Rimmer. I’m going. RIMMER: Who smashed up the medi-comp? [LISTER: What? Who’d want to do that? [He looks at CONFIDENCE, suspiciously.] RIMMER: It beats me, Lister. There are so many possibilities. Perhaps we had burglars who thought we’d popped over to Pluto for a candle-lit meal.] CONFIDENCE: He’s stalling, King. Let’s go. RIMMER: Holly, give him a punch up. [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters] RIMMER: Must you do this now? CAT: I’m doing my laundry! RIMMER: It’s totally disgusting. CAT: What’s disgusting? [He licks the collar of his shirt] [RIMMER: Didn’t you cats ever invent the washing machine? CAT: Washing machine? Oh, you mean that big box with the huge electrical tongue in it? Sure we did, grease stain.] NOTES: We’ll look at these two together, seeing as that’s how they are presented on the DVD. The first one is quite good, if a little over the top, but we’re not too keen on the second one, as it is a tad predictable. Deleted Scene 11 Taken from: Me² This recovered Cat scene was shortened for transmission. [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters] CAT: [dancing on roller skates] Attention lady cats! Sensual emergency! Good lovin’ needed bad! Oww! Hey, no girls here? What a waste of a good move! It’s a shame. I’m looking so dangerous, too! Wow! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! LISTER: Cat, what are you doing? CAT: I’m courting. LISTER: Courting who? CAT: Whoever shows up. [LISTER: Listen, Rimmer’s moved out, and it’d be a great idea if you moved in here with me. CAT: With you? LISTER: Yeah. CAT: In here with you? LISTER: Yeah. CAT: I’d rather live upside down in a toilet bowl. LISTER: Come on, it’d be company and that. CAT: Do you know how long a relationship between two cats lasts? Three minutes, and that’s long. The first minute’s fine. The second minute, you start to feel a bit restless. The third minute, you’re beginning to wonder what you ever had in common in the first place. LISTER: Oh, we can share stuff and that. CAT: ‘Share’? What is ‘share’? LISTER: Sharing’s when you’ve got something and you let other people use it. CAT: Oh, right. There’s a cat word for that. We don’t say ‘share’, we say ‘stupid’. As in ‘look what the stupid person gave me’. LISTER: Come on, what d’you say? CAT: I say: [into megaphone] Hello lady cats! Baby maker requires work. Prepared to work long hours. Anything considered.] LISTER: I told you before. There’s no other cats on board. CAT: If I believed that for one minute, I’d go crazy! [Dancing out] Oww! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! NOTES: This isn’t a bad scene at all. It’s another one that was genuinely removed for time, and not quality. The lines about cat relationships lasting three minutes were later re-used in Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. Deleted Scene 12 Taken from: Me² Lister discovers the two Rimmers’ signs. Note the crewmember in the corridor behind Craig Charles. [SCENE: Corridor outside the Rimmers’ room.] LISTER: To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir I’ve been around. [Reads signs] What? ‘You don’t have to have a rather dry sense of humour to live here, but it certainly helps’? ‘Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your death’? [Shakes his head and opens the door] NOTES: The crewmember behind Craig isn’t that visible, unless you look for him, which everyone does. The signs were also re-used in the first novel, as was most of the rest of the episode, come to think of it. Deleted Scene 13 Taken from: Me² The extended scene shows why, in the final episode, Lister appears to select the wrong Rimmer for deletion. [SCENE: Cinema] LISTER: Why are you here? Where’s your wife? RIMMER: Don’t ask me. He’s nothing to do with me any more. Last time I saw him, he was redoing my paintwork. Changing it from Military Grey back to Ocean Grey. He’s quite, quite mad! [CAT: [through megaphone] Would you like to shut up? I’m trying to watch the film! RIMMER: You’ve only got to be with him for five seconds and he drives you crazy. Look, put that out or move!] [Enter RIMMER #2] RIMMER #2: Lister. Cat. [Sits directly in front of RIMMER.] RIMMER: Excuse me, I can’t see. RIMMER #2: Ssh. RIMMER: Excuse me; I can’t see through the back of your stupid, curly-haired, sticky-out-eared head. LISTER: I’m trying to watch the film! CAT: Yeah! RIMMER: Move! RIMMER #2: Look, I just happened to choose a seat at random. If you’re unhappy with your seat, I suggest you move. RIMMER: Right. Now, where shall I sit? Over here or over there? Erm… no, that’s a nice seat! [Sits directly in front of RIMMER #2.] RIMMER #2: Look at this, Mr. Maturity. [Sits directly in front of RIMMER in the front row.] LISTER: Will you two guys just grow up? RIMMER: Two? I think there’s just one immature person around here and we all know who it is. [RIMMER and RIMMER #2 point at each other.] [RIMMER gets up and stands in front of RIMMER #2.] RIMMER: Go on, Orson! Go for it, there’s a good bloke. He’s giving exactly the same performance as he did in Carry On Camping. RIMMER #2: I’m not going to put up with this pathetic farce any longer. We’ll soon see who’s mature.[He goes to the back of the room.] [A shadow of a RIMMER #2’s hand comes up on the screen.] RIMMER #2: [As the shadow] Hello. What do you think of Arnold Rimmer? [Blows raspberries] [So, in other words: a poncy git. Ha ha ha!] LISTER: [Standing up] This can’t go on. One of you’s has got to go. RIMMERS: [Pointing at each other] Yes, him. NOTES: Well, that certainly makes a bit more sense. After spending a long time working out which Rimmer is which to write this report, we take our hats off to the Series I crew. However, we cuss them bad for removing Rimmer’s “Go on, Orson!” line.