Ian’s Newsround – Playing With Yourself

Yes, another childish headline. Not quite as bad as Thursday’s, though. We’re obviously maturing. But not to the extent that we are not extremely excited about little games and toys with official Red Dwarf licenses coming out. Course, there have always been unofficial games on the internet; most of which originated on Planet Smeg, home of such classics as Planet Pool and the Graphical Adventure Game. There are also a few role playing games (not just sporting simulations), such as Joseph Stanko’s take on Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers, and Michael Dodson’s RPG – a classic in five parts. But let’s face it – although the fan’s efforts were good, they never had any sort of slick, accomplished feel you’d associate with an official product. The only offering of this sort was the Polymorph Game, which was the flagship of the official site shortly after the relaunch. Unfortunately though, it was bollocks. Therefore, there has not yet been a game that matches the originality and dedication of the early efforts, with the high production values afforded by holding a license. Hopefully, the official site’s new Arcadesection will plug the gap.

From Monday, fans will be able to download Simulant’s Revenge, previewed right, to their phones. Well, fans with decent fucking phones will be able to anyway. Rich bastards. Fear not – there will also be a number of online games, for the more technologically challenged of us. We hope Midget Blues will be a dancing simulation, similar to PaRappa the Rapper. Rogue Skutters and GELF Space are likely to be generic shoot-em-ups and flight sims respectively, but lets hope they’re more varied that the ‘shoot 60 of these to progress’ style of the Polymorph Game. 6000 and Falling is clearly to do with Holly’s IQ, but we’re baffled as to how it will be turned into a game. Moon Rescue will presumably be saving people on a moon, rather than saving an actual satellite from danger, and Grav-Pool speaks for itself. I love a good pool game though – and hopefully this one won’t be filtered on my college network. Also in the Arcade section will be logos and ringtones, but I’ve already got my Gunmen ringtone, so I’m fine.

What really gets our juices flowing, however, is the Starbug Playset, more photos of which are available from the Product Enterprise Ltd site. It was announced on the official site some time ago, but fuck me – it’s beautiful. It’s 21cm long, features sound bites from the series, is extremely detailed, and comes with a ‘launching probe’ and ‘pop-up hologram’, along with models of Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten. One can’t help but notice the lack of Kochanski – could it be that Product Enterprise are Series VI fans? The ‘Bug seems to be that specific design – the one in VII had a smaller cockpit viewscreen. The interior does feature a vidscreen with Holly on though, noticeably Norman’s Holly rather than Hattie’s. Another piece of merchandise lacking acknowledgment of her. A minor niggle, but the playset is still possibly the best piece of merchandise ever, certainly much nicer than the forthcoming Corgi models, although they are still work-in-progress.

To all those who voted for Jon to be evicted – I hope you are ashamed of yourselves. You are no longer welcome to read this site. We mean it. Fuck off.