Series II Deleted Scenes Features Posted by Ian Symes on 16th July 2003, 23:00 While the scenes deleted from Series I were entertaining purely for the curiosity value, the ones from Series II are actually very funny. Most of them are funny enough to have fitted into the first series, and would have no trouble at all getting into Series VII or VIII… This document is a complete guide to all the scenes that were cut or trimmed from the second series, with an explanation, transcript and notes. For some scenes, the deleted dialogue is presented [thusly]. Not all scenes are presented this way, as they are composed entirely of deleted dialogue, and it would look silly. Deleted Scene 1 Taken From: Kryten The full, uncut closing credits and theme tune for the TV soap ‘Androids’. Theme Tune: Androids, Everybody needs good Androids, Androids should be good and should be true, Androids, Though we’re only made of metal, Androids have feelings, Androids have feelings, Androids have feelings too. Credits: Kelly ANDROID 14762/E Brook ANDROID 97542/P Simone ANDROID 442/53/2 Gary ANDROID 72264/Y Brooke Jnr ANDROID 24/A Bruce ANDROID 980692/L Android in bus queue ANDROID 79/265/B Written by ANDROID B1XXX Music ANDROID 23216/M Graphic Designer ANDROID 92/876 Unit Manager ANDROID 36333/C Production Accountant ANDROID Zzzzz/Z Vision Supervisor ANDROID 474561/3 Technical Co-Ordinator ANDROID 62471/T Camera Supervisor ANDROID 49764/F Vision Mixer ANDROID 79653/G Prop Buyer ANDROID 88744/R Visual Effects Designer ANDROID 92/76/B Videotape Editor ANDROID 88543/J Production ANDROID 77142/M Assistant Floor Manager ANDROID 00/076/F Production Assistant ANDROID 20697/Q Production Manager ANDROID 49876/B Costume Designer ANDROID 55556/W Make Up Designer ANDROID 17617/X Sound Supervisor ANDROID 14001/A Lighting Director ANDROID 801764/D Designer ANDROID 64321/H Produced and Directed by KYLIE GWENLYN A Groovy Channel 27 Production NOTES: Interestingly, Brook and Brooke Jnr spell their names differently. This little feature was requested in our Future Extras article, and we like to think we’re responsible for its inclusion, even though we aren’t. Deleted Scene 2 Taken from: Kryten Cat’s duet with the Talkie Toaster. Talkie’s lines were never recorded and are subtitled here. Note the crew reflection in the toaster! [SCENE: The Refectory] [Music plays from a jukebox. The SKUTTERS join in on the keyboard, while CAT and TOASTER are in front of microphones.] CAT: Waaaaah! Oooooh eee waaaaaah! Eeeeeeeh! TOASTER: Do-wop do-wop-wop. CAT: Aaaaaargh! TOASTER: Do wop. CAT: Hey, hey, hey! Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! [Music stops.] TOASTER: Do wop. CAT: Hold it! What are you doing? TOASTER: I keep getting lost. CAT: What you’re doing is you’re coming in too early. You’re coming in on the ‘eee’, when you should be coming in on the ‘waaaaaah’. You’re making the whole thing sound stupid. TOASTER: Maybe I should quit the band. I don’t understand Cat music. CAT: Look, it’s simple, man! It’s just a love song about a cat pledging everlasting love for his lady cat. It’s called ‘I’ll Love You Babe, ‘Till The Next Chick Comes Along’. OK, let’s take it again, guys, from the middle scream, OK? ‘Eee’, not ‘waaaaaah’. [Music starts again.] Waaaaaaaaah! [Enter LISTER and RIMMER] LISTER: Yo, Cat! CAT: Oh, hold it, hold it. [Music stops again.] Can’t you see I’m rehearsing? LISTER: I know, I’m sorry, but listen. There’s something out there. We’re getting a signal. CAT: Yeah? LISTER: Yeah. RIMMER: It’s probably someone from another planet complaining about the music. NOTES: This is a very odd scene, yet a quite funny one. It was eventually replaced with the much shorter scene of the Cat catching mice with a baseball bat. Rimmer’s punch line is not very good, and it lets the scene down somewhat. The scene had previously been available in script form in Son of Soup. Deleted Scene 3 Taken from: Thanks for the Memory A recovered dialogue section from Rimmer’s ‘deathday’ party. [SCENE: Lunar surface] RIMMER: I can’t understand it. I’ve had so much to drink and it hasn’t even afflicted me. I’m not in the least bit tipsy. LISTER: Oh yeah? Why are you dancing then? CAT: Ha! You call that dancing? I’ve seen people on fire move better than that! [RIMMER: I’ll have you know, I took a course in classical ballroom dancing. LISTER: Where did you ever go where they did posh dances like that? RIMMER: The Officer’s Ball. LISTER: You never went to the Officer’s Ball. RIMMER: I did. LISTER: You didn’t. RIMMER: I did. HOLLY: He was the bleeding waiter, weren’t he? RIMMER: It’s a long and fine standing tradition that young mid-shipmen of the right stock, the right calibre, the ones to watch are invited to serve the officers and their ladies at the annual ball. And then at the end of the evening, in time-honoured tradition, they are stripped naked and have horse chestnuts forced up their bottoms. And other assorted humiliations. It’s a great honour, and the first rung on the ladder towards becoming a Space Mason. CAT: What’s a Space Mason? LISTER: It’s like the Secret Seven for grown-ups. RIMMER: It’s an honourable and charitable institution, Lister, membership of which I was proud, nay very proud, to be refused. It was the greatest honour ever bestowed upon me to be laughed out of the Space Mason’s guild. Not even the fact that my uncle was a bishop, and my grandfather knew the rules of croquet could get me in. I respect that. CAT: I can never understand why you human beings always want to join things. ‘I don’t wanna be on my own any more. I think I’ll join this.’ What’s wrong with being unique? [RIMMER burps loudly] LISTER: Yeah, you’re right, Cat. CAT: Hey, don’t agree with me. That means I won’t be unique any more.] HOLLY: We’d better be going. The moons’ll be setting in a bit. NOTES: This scene doesn’t quite work. It’s not that the jokes are bad, it’s just that Chris’s drunk acting gets a bit too much at times. We think this scene was sacrificed so that the audience didn’t get too pissed off with the drunkenness later on in the episode. Interestingly, the deleted section about the Officer’s Ball is very similar to some of the dialogue in Back in the Red. In Part Two, Rimmer talks about dining at the Captain’s table in a similar way, and in Part Three he talks of similar ritual humiliations to the ones described here. Deleted Scene 4 Taken from: Thanks for the Memory This scene, in which The Dwarfers stagger drunkenly to their rooms, was cut for time. [SCENE: Corridor near bunkrooms.] [LISTER and CAT make strange drunken noises] CAT: Hey, this is where I get off. RIMMER: Good Cat night. LISTER: ‘Good Cat night’? RIMMER: Night good Cat, whatever. LISTER: Oh God, this way Fido. RIMMER: It’s a funny thing. I’ve had so much to drink and yet I’m still in complete confac of my mandulties. NOTES: Again, this scene was probably deemed a bit too much, as all the actors are a tad unsubtle at times. Rimmer’s final line, about being in confac of his mandulties, was re-used in Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. Deleted Scene 5 Taken from: Thanks for the Memory In this extended scene, Rimmer further expands on just how few times he has made love. [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters] RIMMER: Once. LISTER: Smeg! RIMMER: One time only. [Un. Ein. Uni. Uni. Once. What Plank’s Constant can never be more than. One raised to the power of one. We’re talking ‘one’ here.] LISTER: Don’t tell me this, Rimmer. You’ll want to kill yourself in the morning. RIMMER: Yvonne McGruder. A single, brief liaison with the ship’s female boxing champion. March 16th, 7:31 PM to 7:43 PM. LISTER: Please. RIMMER: Twelve minutes. LISTER: Please! RIMMER: And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza. [LISTER: I’ve forgotten this conversation. This conversation never took place.] RIMMER: In my entire life I have spent more time being sick. [LISTER: Is that a piece of sky? It must be; it’s black. RIMMER: Is that fair? That a man should spend more time with his head down a lavatory than buried in the bosom of a woman who loves him?] LISTER: So? I mean; you haven’t met the right girl yet. NOTES: The extra lines here are quite good, so it seems that the scene was genuinely trimmed due to time constraints. Once again, the deleted lines were re-used in Infinity. Deleted Scene 6 Taken from: Thanks for the Memory This additional dialogue showing Rimmer remembering Lister’s past was cut for time. [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters] RIMMER: My tastes in music radically changed. I stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rasta Billy Skank. Crazy! LISTER: Well, you know, you were in love. You go a bit crazy. [RIMMER: I used to live with my grandmother, just like you did, and I remember one night, I wanted to take Lise to the pictures and I didn’t have any money. So I went to a pawnbroker and flogged my grandmother’s false teeth. LISTER: Erm, she didn’t really need them anyway, did she? I mean, you know, she only used to use them to open bottle tops and chew tobacco. And besides, you got them back for her, didn’t you? RIMMER: Yeah, three months later. And then they weren’t even hers. They wouldn’t go all the way back in, she looked like Mr. Ed, the talking horse. LISTER: Yeah, but we all do things that we’re a bit ashamed of. Let’s talk about Lise.] RIMMER: It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her but yet I started to treat her really badly. NOTES: We can speculate that this scene was removed due to fears of portraying Lister as a bit of a scumbag, flogging his grandmother’s false teeth. Writing these notes highlights the need for a commentary track from Doug Naylor, on the deleted scenes at least. Fume! Deleted Scene 7 Taken from: Stasis Leak Additional dialogue regarding Holly’s computer senility was cut for time. [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters] HOLLY: Listen, I happen to be one of the sleekest, most sophisticated computers ever devised by man. I’m the nearest thing you can get to infullible. LISTER: Infallible. HOLLY: Exactly. [RIMMER: Let’s face it; he’s computer senile. HOLLY: Oh, am I? Alright then, how come I know who played left-back for Man United in the 1968 European Cup Final – Shay Brennan? RIMMER: What does that prove? HOLLY: Proves I’m not feeble-minded. How many people do you think know that interesting tit-bit? Probably only me and Shay Brennan, to be honest. [The others are leaving.] Razor sharp, I am. [Pause] Or was it Tony Dunn?] NOTES: These extra few lines are great. Ian appreciates them more than John, as John hates football, but he can’t deny that the lines are funny. Incidentally, Holly was right the first time – it was Shay Brennan. (Thanks to Dave Symes for that interesting tit-bit.) Deleted Scenes 8 & 9 Taken from: Stasis Leak The following two scenes appear mostly as scripted. However, the shower set was eventually replaced with location footage – in which nobody saw the extra’s bottom! [SCENE: Level 16 Corridor] LISTER: This must be a stasis leak. [He cautiously puts his hand into the leak, and withdraws it, intact. He looks at the others.] LISTER: Okay, here we go. [He steps into the leak] [SCENE: Shower Room.] [LISTER examines the room. A clock shows the date as 22nd March 2077. He goes back through the leak.] [SCENE: Level 16 Corridor] LISTER: It’s safe. Come through. [CAT and then RIMMER do so, cautiously.] [SCENE: Shower Room.] CAT: [to RIMMER] What IS it? RIMMER: It’s a rent in the space-time continuum. CAT: [to LISTER] What IS it? LISTER: The stasis room freezes time, [right], makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it’s leaked into, and it’s leaked into this room. CAT: [to RIMMER] What IS it? RIMMER: It’s a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don’t apply. CAT: [to LISTER] What IS it? LISTER: It’s a hole into the past. CAT: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn’t you say? LISTER: March 22nd. That’s three weeks before the crew got wiped out. [A man, wanting to use the shower, finds three fully clothed strangers inside it.] LISTER: Hi. CAT: Hi. RIMMER: Hi. LISTER: Do you mind? This is the Annual General Meeting of the Agoraphobics’ Society! [He draws the shower curtains shut.] RIMMER: I wonder can we bring anyone back? [LISTER picks up a bar of soap, and takes it through the leak.] [SCENE: Level 16 Corridor] [The soap has turned to powder.] LISTER: Not unless we want them turned into powder. CAT: Who were you thinking of bringing back? RIMMER: Me. CAT: Let’s do it! [SCENE: Level 16 Corridor] [It is the next day. LISTER and CAT are laughing and joking excitedly as they approach the leak.] LISTER: Here it is, man. Just stick with me, okay? Okay? [They stroll through the leak.] [SCENE: Shower Room.] [LISTER arrives first. A naked old man is showering, and he looks surprised to see LISTER appear.] LISTER: Did you order a kiss-o-gram? [He runs off, and as the man turns to look at him, CAT appears.] CAT: Excuse me; did you see a short human with [little] pigtails coming through here? LISTER: [off-screen] Yo, Cat! [As CAT turns to leave, he looks down towards the man’s groin.] CAT: Never mind. It’s the personality that counts. [He runs off, leaving the man bewildered, yet again.] [CAT: [off-screen] Nice guy. LISTER: [off-screen] Tiny personality.] NOTES: The most remarkable thing about these scenes is how terrible the set looks. It was all plastic, and made it look like Red Dwarf’s design was based on that of a caravan. Also, the second scene shows an old man’s sagging aged arsehole. Not pleasant. Deleted Scenes 10 & 11 Taken from: Stasis Leak Two extended dialogues – a version of Lister’s ‘already married’ lament is followed by his excuse for being in a hotel corridor. Both were trimmed for broadcast. [SCENE: Hotel Corridor.] LISTER: Why do women always leave me for total smegheads? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtleneck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean, natural yoghurt eaters! Reliable, sensible, dependable, and lots of other words that end in “-ible.” [I bet he sends all his shirts to the dry cleaners, and he’s got his shoes on little shoetrees. And he’s got a collection of 150 silk ties, all of them CRAP! I bet he goes to restaurants and orders in French, even though the restaurant’s Italian. And I bet] he’s obsessed with house prices, and spends half his life in antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It’s never beer, is it, it’s always wine! “What do you want on your cornflakes, darling?” “Oh, I’ll have some wine, please!” Smeg! CAT: You can tell all that just from a photograph? [SCENE: Hotel Corridor.] KOCHANSKI: Oh, hi. It’s you. LISTER: Oh. Hi. KOCHANSKI: Come in. LISTER: No, no, we were just passing. [You know the way people collect train numbers? I collect hotel room numbers. 008! Write that down. It’s a really, really rare one. I wonder what the next one is. Bye!] KOCHANSKI: Come in. LISTER: No, no, really, it’s okay. [CAT decides to go in anyway.] LISTER: Cat! Come on, we’ve got to go! NOTES: All of the additional lines in this scene are amusing, and it’s a shame they were dropped originally. We particularly like the venom in Craig’s voice when he says ‘crap’. We like it when he says ‘crap’. Deleted Scene 12 Taken from: Queeg This extended sequence features a malfunctioning Rimmer impersonating many more of Red Dwarf’s crew. [SCENE: Level 592 Corridor.] HOLLY: Here it is. 592. LISTER: Rimmer, are you alright? RIMMER: [as Brannigan, who sounds a lot like Peter Risdale-Scott] Well, you see, the shuttle was late, you see, the shuttle was late. And they’re usually so good, aren’t they? They’re so good; they’re brilliant! CAT: What’s happened to him? LISTER: He’s turned into Brannigan, the ship’s psychiatrist. [RIMMER: [as Holly] Alright then, dudes? What’s happening then? Gordon Bennett, this is a turn up, innit? I’m mad. I’ve got mad. I’m raving mad. CAT: Hey, now he’s you! RIMMER: [as himself] Argh! What’s happening to me? HOLLY: His memory’s malfunctioning. He’s forgotten who he is. RIMMER: Help me, I’m… I’m becoming the… [as Hollister] Lister, I’m the Captain. I’m going to ask you one more time – do you have a cat? LISTER: Now he’s Hollister! RIMMER: [camp] Well don’t just stand there looking at me. Can’t you see that I’m in dire need of help? [Scottish] And if I don’t have any help, I’m going to be in very, very serious trouble. [Brummie] Because you see, my brain’s going to go all skewiff, you see, and it’s going to [Spanish] be very difficult for me to recover. So I beg-a you please, please, please help me, or I will go crazy. Coo-coo! LISTER: Holly…] HOLLY: We’d better get him fixed. NOTES: This scene is hilarious. Someone give Chris Barrie his own series. The speed at which he changes voices is fantastic, and there’ll all spot on, although Ian disapproves of the Brummie one. The only thing that lets the scene down is Craig Charles’s ‘Holly…’ line, which is about as subtle as a house brick, and about as natural as this simile. Deleted Scene 13 Taken from: Queeg The full-length wake-up-call discussion between Rimmer and Queeg was cut for time. [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters.] [RIMMER’s alarm clock goes off. RIMMER jumps out of bed and into action.] RIMMER: Off! [He runs away, before running back, realising the time.] RIMMER: Uh, Queeg? Why has my alarm clock gone off at six o’clock? QUEEG: That’s the time you asked for. RIMMER: Ah, now, Holly and I had this little understanding. I would say “Holly, wake me up at six o’clock without fail,” then Holly would pretend to forget, and wake me up around ten with breakfast. [Then I would shout at Holly for not waking me up at six o’clock and letting me sleep all the way through ’til ten, so I wouldn’t feel guilty, because it’s not my fault. OK? So, Queeg, wake me up at six without fail.] OK? [RIMMER goes back to bed. A few seconds later, the alarm goes off again.] RIMMER: Off! [We’re not getting through, are we, Queeg? When I say ‘six o’clock’, I don’t mean ‘six o’clock’ [holds up six fingers], I mean ‘six o’clock’ [holds up ten fingers]. QUEEG: But six o’clock is the regulation waking time. RIMMER: Absolutely. That’s why it’s imperative that you wake me at six o’clock. Heaven forbid you should forget to wake me at six o’clock and let me sleep all the way through ’til ten. That would be against regulations, wouldn’t it? [He gives Queeg an exaggerated wink.] Night, Queeg. See you at six. [After a brief pause, the alarm sounds again.] RIMMER: OFF!] [He sits up on his bunk, and regards QUEEG thoughtfully.] RIMMER: [I can see, Queeg, we’ve already struck up quite an incredible relationship]: I scratch your back and you stick a knife in mine. NOTES: Another very funny scene, that it must have been sad to let go originally. We particularly love the exaggerated wink Rimmer gives to Queeg. The start of Rimmer’s final line of this section was changed to ‘Queeg, I can see we’ve already cultivated a special understanding:’ for the broadcast episode. Deleted Scenes 14-17 Taken from: Parallel Universe These four short clips show lines of dialogue trimmed from the final episode. [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters.] LISTER: Rimmer, you could not pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse’s head with that one. [Enter CAT, bewildered.] CAT: What are you doing? LISTER: I’m pretending to be a girl, and Rimmer’s chatting me up. CAT: You guys have been alone in space too long.] [SCENE: Sleeping Quarters] HOLLY: It’s monumental, this. It’s epoch-making. The Holly Hop Drive can transfer any object instantly to any other point in space. LISTER: What? You mean we can go back to Earth? HOLLY: In a matter of seconds. [Oh, that geezer who invented cling film thought he’d come up with something good. He’ll be as sick as a pastry chef’s dog when he hears about this.] LISTER: What, you mean we can go back to Earth, like, right now? This instant? HOLLY: Right on. LISTER: Rock and roll! [SCENE: Parallel Red Dwarf corridor.] LISTER: Yo, Cat. There you are. C’mon, we’re going to the disco. CAT: What? LISTER: Yeah, Holly says it’s going to take seventeen hours to repair the Hop Drive. So I thought we’d, you know, go and have a few… [slaps his face to swat a flea] bevvies, like. CAT: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on! LISTER: Yeah! CAT: Oww! [DOG waits behind, and swats a flea on his face.] [DOG: Hold on, there. This ain’t one of mine. Mr. Lister, sir?] [SCENE: Disco.] LISTER: What’s that mark on your face, Hol? HOLLY: What face? LISTER: The lipstick mark. HILLY: That’s not a lipstick mark. That’s a computer rash. [LISTER: So why is it the same shade as your lips? HOLLY: So what? I’m over eighteen, aren’t I? HILLY: Yeah, so am I! RIMMER: I don’t believe this. HOLLY: What’s wrong? HILLY: Never seen a computer snog before?] RIMMER: Holly, just get the Hop Drive fixed and get me out of here! NOTES: We’re not too fond of the first joke, as it a bit unsubtle and obvious, but Holly’s vendetta against the inventor of cling film is hilarious. It’s a real shame that it couldn’t be used in the episode, but thank goodness (or, at least thank Andrew Ellard) that we can see it now. Ian thinks the flea gag is a bit poor too, although John likes it. The final jokes are pretty good, particularly Holly defending himself by saying that he’s over eighteen. Deleted Scene 18 Taken from: Parallel Universe The Rimmers gang up on pregnant Lister, this scene was cut for time reasons. [SCENE: Parallel Bunkroom] HILLY: Well, there’s no point standing around arguing about it. If it’s happened, it’s happened. HOLLY: Yeah, we’d better get back. I’ve fixed the Hop Drive. DAVE: No, we can’t go now, Hol. She could be the father of my child. [ARLENE: Well, it’s your own fault for being such a cheap little trollop. DAVE: I am not a cheap little trollop. ARNOLD: Oh, but you are, Listy, you are. ARLENE: On the first date, too. ARNOLD: Didn’t it occur to you to say ‘no, I’m saving myself. Saving myself for Miss Right’? DAVE: Rimmer, smeg off. ARNOLD: Ooooh! ARLENE: Ooooh! I hate it when men swear. So smegging common. HOLLY: Come on dudes, we’d better be getting back. DAVE: We can’t go now, Hol. I’m not going to be a single parent mother.] NOTES: Some of the Rimmers’ lines sound a bit odd and unnatural, but it’s a good way to show Rimmer’s sexual politics, as well as his love for teasing Lister.