Series II Smeg Ups Features Posted by Ian Symes on 6th July 2003, 23:00 As per the Series I DVD, no actual new out-takes were used for this compilation. In fact, it is perfectly clear that whoever made the section was working directly from the Smeg Outs tape, as we’ll prove below. In this guide, to avoid confusion all speakers are given their character’s names, even when they are improvising or speaking to a crewmember. Similarly, rather than trying to find out all of their individual names, all off-camera speakers are referred to as ‘crew’. Off we go then… 1. Taken from: Better Than Life *1 LISTER: And I think she fancies you. CAT: And what does that prove? She’s not blind. Hey baby, I’m a little biddy… I’m a little biddy! I’m a little biddy! LISTER: He’s a little biddy at the moment! CAT: I’m a little biddy! 2. Taken from: Queeg HOLLY: Am I fully resturd… [beep]. 3. Taken from: Better Than Life *2 McGRUDER: Julius! Julius, we’re supposed to be having a good time! [a bag falls from up McGRUDER’s dress] Sorry, my pregnancy fell out. 4. Taken from: Better Than Life *3 [LISTER and CAT sit on a motorbike, proudly giving RIMMER the finger. LISTER tries to drive away, but the bike stalls. During this, rock music plays.] 5. Taken from: Thanks For The Memory RIMMER: I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister. You see, all the ingredients are wrong. The fried eggs are wrong. The chitley… chitney? 6. Taken from: Parallel Universe RIMMER: ‘How is it possible to get two babies without a woman on board?’ And you said… 7. Taken from: Thanks For The Memory LISTER: You wanted to play the field. RIMMER: That’s right! I told her I wanted to play the field. I told her that? I must have been mad. She thought I was great, and she was great. What? No, that’s wrong. [CUT] RIMMER: That’s right! I told her I wanted to play the field. I must have been mad. (sigh) [beep], sorry. [CUT] RIMMER: That’s right! I told her I wanted to play the field. I must have been mad. She was great, and I thought she was great. (sigh) [He raises his left eyebrow, before clasping his hands in prayer.][CUT] RIMMER: That’s right! I told her I wanted to play the field. I told her that? I must have been mad. She thought I was great, and… oh no, this is-a ridiculous! 8. Taken from: Kryten LISTER: Another ship? Brilliant! RIMMER: So, it’s not aliens, then? HOLLY: No, they’re from Earth. Hope they’ve got some spare odds and sods on board. We’re a bit short on a few supplies. RIMMER: Like what? HOLLY: … [CUT] RIMMER: So, it’s not aliens, then? HOLLY: No, they’re from Earth. Hope they’ve got some spare odds and sods on board. We’re a bit few on… [CUT] RIMMER: So, it’s not aliens, then? HOLLY: No, they’re from Earth. [beep] 9. Taken from: Better Than Life *3 CREW: And… action! [LISTER takes a swing at the golf ball, but completely misses.] LISTER: [beep] Again. [CUT] [LISTER takes another swing, but this time his club hits the ground a clear six inches behind the ball.] [CUT] [Once again, the club hits the ground behind the ball, this time taking out a huge divet, which LISTER stamps down.] [CUT] [This time, LISTER hits the ball, but it only rolls a few inches off the tee. LISTER buries his head in his hands.] 10. Taken from: Parallel Universe LISTER: Three. Haha! Beat you! [DEB spits her beer in his face.] [CUT] LISTER: Three. Haha! Beat you! [DEB spits her beer in his face. This time, LISTER spits his beer at DEB too.] LISTER: Wasn’t funny! 11. Taken from: Better Than Life LISTER: Just that he passed away peacefully in his Jeep. [pause] Sleep. [LISTER and RIMMER stare at eachother for a long time, before LISTER starts to corpse.] 12. Taken from: Thanks For The Memory HOLLY: Just need to over-ride the charge relay. RIMMER: “Just need to over-ride the charge relay.” LISTER: But how d’you do that, Hol? RIMMER: “But how d’you do that, Hol?” HOLLY: Bypass the main circuit, that ring of switches over there. [The smoke from the fire extinguisher causes RIMMER to choke.] 13. Taken from: Stasis Leak RIMMER: Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast, he then went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be girrafes who were armed and dangerous. HOLLISTER: You’d better have a good explanation for this, Rimmer. Err… Lister. Blew that. But who cares? Let’s soldier on! 14. Taken from: Kryten [KRYTEN is cleaning the floors of the corridor. As he makes his way across, he moves on to the walls. Eventually, he reaches the edge of the set, and starts to polish a CREW member.] 15. Taken from: Better Than Life RIMMER: ‘My Incredible Career by Admiral AJ Rimmer’. RATHBONE: I’ve read it eighteen times, sir. RIMMER: What’s your name, you little pipsqueak? RATHBONE: Rathbone, sir. RIMMER: [as he signs] Admiral… AJ Rimmer. There you go, miladdo. RATHBONE: Gosh. I’ll be the envy of the academy! Thankyou. RIMMER: You certainly will, you little git. Right… 16. Taken from: Thanks For The Memory [RIMMER is standing in the sleeping quarters, while a CREW member walks around. RIMMER displays an expression of dread, followed by a snort of derision. The CREW member sees him, and he smiles patronisingly, before sneering again, and finally smiling.] 17. Taken from: KRYTEN KRYTEN: Well, what am I going to do? RIMMER: Don’t look at us! 18. Taken from: Better Than Life. RIMMER: I took them to court. I got plaid maintenance until I reached empluy, pleugh, plugh. [LISTER pops up behind him, grinning.] 19. Taken from: Queeg QUEEG: Right, 07:00. Time for his astro-navigation revision. I’d better wake him up. RIMMER: [beep], I’m facing that way; I’m supposed to be facing that way! 20. Taken from: Queeg *4 RIMMER: You are a total, total… a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally… whatever it is you are. But you are one, and a total, total one at that. HOLLY: Alright, keep your hair on. RIMMER: I’m lucky if I can, fican, ifick, puckar! CAT: Ah, me so puckar! RIMMER: Ba hoy ya! CAT: Pickar! *1 There is audience laughter when Danny messes up, which is strange considering that the scene was filmed on location. It’s the same canned laughter that was used on the Smeg Outs video. Hmmm. *2 McGruder’s line shown here is deleted from the final version of the episode. Julius is presumably one of the children, probably named after Caesar. *3 The music here never appeared in the episode, and once again, it’s a location scene, so there wouldn’t have been any audience laughter. Further evidence of the out-takes coming *directly* from Smeg Outs, and not from the rushes. *4 Holly’s mouth doesn’t move at all here. Also, anyone who complains that I haven’t transcribed this one properly can fuck the fuck off.