Series III Smeg Ups

Another batch of out-takes, all plundered from the 1995 Smeg Outs video. Thanks to the magic of missing studio rushes, this was in fact the only way of getting out-takes from certain scenes, as detailed in the article.

In this guide, to avoid confusion all speakers are given their character’s names, even when they are improvising or speaking to a crewmember. Similarly, rather than trying to find out all of their individual names, all off-camera speakers are referred to as ‘crew’. Off we go then…

1. Taken from: Marooned

LISTER: What smell? I can’t smell any smell.
RIMMER: Camphor wood. [He turns away and covers his head.] My ‘H’ has just fallen off.

The rushes for Marooned are missing. They were clearly present when Smeg Outs was compiled in the mid-nineties, but they’ve been half-inched since then. Consequently, the only deleted scene we get from the episode is the poker scene, as featurred on Smeg Outs.

2. Taken from: Backwards

LISTER: Personally, I don’t intend to spend my retirement years sitting in a high chair, glooping apricot dessert… [He dries, then turns to flick the vees at the audience.]

3. Taken from: Timeslides

RIMMER: It’s incredible! I can feel, I can touch, I’m alive! I can fondle, I can fiddle! Phwooar! I am ali- [as he punches the crates, the boxes on his left hand side fall on his head.]

4. Taken from: Marooned

[We see Starbug start to take off from Red Dwarf’s cargo bay. However, as it passes through the doors, it hits the top and falls down.

We’re can tell it’s Marooned, as Blue Midget is visible at the side. (As indeed is the TARDIS, VisFX in-joke fans.) All of the model shots featurred in this compilation are edited, with full sound effects added. The plain versions of the cock-ups do not appear in the Raw Effects Footage compilation, but you can recreate the effect by turning the sound on your telly right down.

5. Taken from: Timeslides

RIMMER: What a total smeghead. You know who he married?
RIMMER: [starts to lie down] Ah, me braces have just bust.

This is taken from the alternate version of the scene, as seen on the DVD. We know this, as Lister is sitting on the top bunk, as opposed to at the table. And in all the years we’ve had the Smeg Outs tape, we didn’t bloody notice.

6. Taken from: Polymorph

CAT: So where is it now?
HOLLY: It’s gone back down to the cargo bays; sleeping off a four-course meal of fear, veni… uh! And dyslexia.

7. Taken from: Polymorph

RIMMER: It turned into a sort-of slimy, squelchy thing and squidged off down the corridor.
CAT: So, what is it, some-su-su-su-su-su-su-su-su-su-su-su-su?

NB. May not be the actual number of ‘su’s.

8. Taken from: Unknown

[Starbug speeds down the landing strip, but loses momentum before it leaves and spins around.]

Starbug leaves the ship in three of the episodes, so we can narrow it down a bit.

9. Taken from: Marooned

LISTER: Maybe it’s because you used to be Alexander The Great’s chief eunach. [He tears a page out of a book.]
RIMMER: What are you doing?
LISTER: There’s nothin’ else less to burn.
RIMMER: Nothing else less to burn?
LISTER: This man can talk, you know what I mean?

10. Taken from: Body Swap

[RIMMER, in LISTER’s body, feasts on mashed potato, very messily.]

This was part of a longer compilation when it featured in Smeg Outs, and doesn’t really work on its own, does it?

11. Taken from: Timeslides

LISTER: Hehehe! [A snowball hits him in the eye.]
LISTER: Hehehe! [Another snowball hits him in the eye.]
LISTER: Hehehe! [A snowball hits the sleeve of his jacket, and carries on to hit RIMMER in the chest.]

12. Taken from: Backwards

[Starbug’s rear section hits the top of the cargo bay doors as it attempts to leave.]

Not terribly different to the version that appears in the episode, as it happens.

13. Taken from: Marooned

[LISTER steps out of Starbug, and falls down as soon as he lets go of the door.]

Not actually an out-take, this. Oh well. A laughter track has been added, however.

14. Taken from: Marooned

RIMMER: He told that in a previous incarnation, I was Alexander The Great’s chief eunach.
[LISTER corpses. Not once, but twice.]
RIMMER: Is there a problem?

15. Taken from: The Last Day

KRYTEN: At 0700 hours tomorow morning, er, my automatic… oh, [beep], I’m sorry. My… My automatic [beep] I’m sorry!

16. Taken from: Backwards

LISTER: You can’t stay. Look, I’m twenty-five now. In ten years time, I’ll be fifteen. I’ll have to go through puberty again…
CAT: [Over him] Imag…
LISTER: …backwards
CAT: Imagine that. Oh…
LISTER: What you doing to my line, guy!
CAT: Hungry for fame! Hungry for fame!

17. Taken from: Bodyswap

[Starbug, with RIMMER in LISTER’s body behind the steering wheel, attempts a complex loop-de-loop as it leaves the Dwarf, but crashes at the top of the cargo bay doors.]

18. Taken from: The Last Day

LISTER: Machines do not have souls. Computers and calculators don’t have an afterlife. You don’t get, like, little hairdryers with little wings, playing little harps on little clouds, oh God, I’ve [beep]ed it up!

19. Taken from: Marooned

LISTER: What are you on about?
[As RIMMER walks towards him, he trips up on something.]

20. Taken from: Timeslides

GILBERT: For madam, lobster á la Grecque. For sir, a sausage and onion… [beep] [He trips up, which greatly amuses LADY SABRINA MULHOLLAND-JJONES]

21. Taken from: Unknown

[As Starbug speeds down the landing strip, it spins over onto its back.]

22. Taken from: Polymorph

[A twelve-foot tall armour-plated killing machine emerges from the bin.]
[The Polymorph transforms into a VisFX man, who manages to miss LISTER’s head with the sucker.]

23. Taken from: Marooned

RIMMER: Look, astronauts in the olden days used to drink it all the time. You’ll get used to it. Just, just pretend it’s scrumpy.
LISTER: Why can’t I drink the snow?
RIMMER: Because the spectro-scan says it’s 98% water. No, it doesn’t, it says 98% something else…

A deleted scene! Not used on the DVD, as the rushes have gone walkabouts. Neither is it used in Primordial Soup, for which there is no excuse. After all, tiny little sections of unused dialogue make it through, which suggests that the compiler was using an original script.

24. Taken from: Polymorph

RIMMER: Very prim, very proper. Almost austere. Some people took her for aloof; thought she was… thought she was… dunno, really. Just thought she was.

25. Taken from: Unknown

[Starbug goes down the landing strip, and once again smashes into the cargo bay doors.]

26. Taken from: Polymorph

[LISTER’s kebab starts to move, causing him to laugh heartily while making rude insinuations.]

27. Taken from: The Last Day

LISTER: Who’s the most unpopular man at a Borussia Munchengladbach match? The man who shouts: ‘give us a B!’.

28. Taken from: The Last Day

LISTER: This is what you call a comedy hat. I didn’t want to be a comedian, I always wanted to be a politician. But I thought if I was a politician…
CREW: Craig, we’re still recording. Can you sit down?
[He does so, then makes V-signs in the direction of the voice.]

29. Taken from: Unknown

[Once again, Starbug tries to exit Red Dwarf, hits the cargo bay doors and falls down.]

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