Would you trust this man to run an offical website?Ah, I remember what it’s like to do these. The main feature of this week’s TOS update is, of course, Doug’s open letter. And yes, we did try and get a copy for ourselves before it was published, and failed. Let’s just start with the important bit for now:

American funders are flying into the UK today to continue discussions we began at the Cannes Film Festival to fund the Red Dwarf movie. I fully expect that in a matter of a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, Red Dwarf the Movie finally will be green lit, and by early August I expect to be deep into pre-production in Australia.

I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir. “Today” in this case would have been Saturday or Sunday, and I imagine the parties will have met earlier this week. Every appendage is crossed that there’ll be a big TOS update in a fortnight’s time, saying “yes, the movie has in fact been green-lit”. It’s just great reading Doug Naylor’s prose again, isn’t it? Look at this:

This is true. I swear this is true. They said, ‘How about… Hugh Grant? He could be Lister. And what’s Emma Thompson doing these days? She could be Kochanski.’ I thanked them for their time and ran from the building.

I love that man. Moving on from the movie news, a few notes on the Q+A bit.

You bet your ass there will.

What is wrong with you? You never say ‘bet your ass’!

[on commentaries] I didn’t know anyone wanted me to!

OK, Doug – WE WANT YOU TO DO A COMMENTARY. It would be especially good for Series VII and VIII, obviously, as Doug was the main writer and executive producer, on his lonesome. Plus, we get to hear his excuses, erm, opinions on the series.

But the year after that I’ll be there as sure as eggs is hen periods.

Boiled chicken ovulations – delicious! Moving on a step – and I hope no-one thinks I’m setting myself us as a self-elected chairperson here; just see me as a facilitator – there’s also some ace DVD news. GNP have been raiding the archives to bring us the choicest cuts of digitised beef from the BBC bullock. As well as the bits we already know about (the Tucker stuff, Best Ever Dwarf), there will also be some monochrome 8mm footage from Series VI! And video effects footage! Now all we need is a featurette about the types of glue used in the model shots and we’re home and dry.

The best bit, though, is footage from an aborted Making Of documentary from Series VI. Wow! I didn’t even know such a thing was planned; there was supposed to be a making of video for VIII, but this is news to me. Add to this the raw effects footage and trailers, these will be the geekiest DVDs to date. Bliss! Add to that the 80-minute documentaries (complete with rushes footage), Howard Goodall and Laredo docs, deleted scenes, out-takes and that, these will be the best DVDs of anything ever. Ever.

As if that wasn’t enough, there’s also Ellard’s fivepart DJ:XI report. Ellard can remember far more about the Q+A sessions than anyone else, but he was cheating – he had a notepad. By the way, man, sorry about the picture. But that’s what you get for gossiping about me with actress/comediennes.

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