Last night, I went to sleep fully-clothed, as I am wont to do when fermented vegetable drinks are involved. For some reason, I had an After Eight mint in my pocket. Suffice to say, I woke up with a large brown and white gooey mess in my trousers.

I did not, however, cover it with ketchup, take it to the launderette and formulate a terrible idea for a long-running TV series.

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