Updated with another page!

Well, the waiting is finally over. Earlier this evening I met up with a friend of a friend who works for a small vis fx outfit based in East Anglia.

They had been approached by GNP back in 2001 when the pre-production initially started, and were given a draft of the script to work out a budget for some of the effects. Guess what I’m holding now?Unfortunately – my scanner is broken. So I’ve taken a few pictures just to whet your appetite until I’m awake enough to type copious amounts up on the train back to Manchester tomorrow :) Sorry the pics aren’t all that good…

Enjoy! More tomorrow! I’m off to bed to do some reading :)






Here is Tanya’s Script:
Krissie and Lister are standing by Blue Midget. The cargo bay doors are open. They are clearly preparing to go somewhere, but the atmosphere is tense.

LISTER: Look, all I want to know is what’s wrong with an evening of pin the bikini on the model?

KRISSIE: Well, let’s leave aside the sexist aspect, and go straight for the ‘evening’ idea, shall we? It’s not that I mind you playing games with the rest of them, however unsophisticated, it’s the fact that your entire lives seem to revolve around these ridiculous activities. Do you know how long I was waiting for you in bed last night?

LISTER: There’s NO way it was longer than three hours.

KRISSIE: I almost went searching for a skutter. At least they could have fixed the bedside lamp afterwards.

LISTER: All right, I get the point. But you don’t exactly try and fit in, y’know. What did you say to Cat when he offered to soap you up and slide you down the cargo ramp?

KRISSIE: I’ve apologised for that. Anyway, he overreacted.

LISTER: Threatening him with those flares was mean, Krissie. Two DAYS he spent in the medical bay. You know what he’s like!

KRISSIE: Yes, yes, alright. Anyway, that’s beside the point. We need to spend quality time together, which I why I thought a couple of days of safari would be a good idea.

LISTER: A couple of DAYS? But I haven’t told the guys! They might need me to make up numbers for the pointy stick game!


LISTER: Look, I’m not apologising for being a boy from the Dwarf. You knew what we were like, and it’s not fair for you to expect us to fit in with you all the time. Perhaps you should try being a bit less snobby: it’d certainly help in the bedroom.

KRISSIE: FINE! I’m too snobby for you, eh? I’ll just go and find someone who DOES appreciate me, then! Rachel’s at the bottom of the wardrobe.

She gets into Blue Midget and shuts the door before Lister can say another word. Blue Midget starts up.

LISTER: Aw, Krissie! Krissie, come back!

Blue Midget shoots off into space. Lister puts his head in his hands.


He turns round. Kryten is behind him.

KRYTEN: I heard shouting, sir. Are you ok?

LISTER: She’s gone, Kryten. We had a row and she’s just taken off. What am I gonna do?

KRYTEN: As much as I hate to say it, sir, you may be better off without her. She’s an officer, sir, and officers are…different. Just think of all the time you can spend with us, sir, and how much happier you’ll both be. Miss Kochanski is now free to meet people more like her, who like what she likes, who are able to make time for her. Just think, sir, in no time she’ll meet a handsome male officer, who’s just like her, and they can settle down into their boring lives, and you’ll be free to spend the rest of your life with us! I’m so excited, sir!

Lister glares at Kryten.

LISTER: (through gritted teeth) Prepare Starbug.

Thanks Tanya. Thanya.

15 comments on “APRIL FOOL: Broken Pipe

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  • What the blinking fuck noodles? And to think I was going to bed early tonight!

    I like how Mimas is staying faithful to the book (ont that page, anyway!) – but I hope it’s no *too* similar to the book. Also, isn’t it odd see Kochanski in the iconic post-accident scene with Lister, Rimmer and Holly? But damn that lot actually looks promising!! I think I have to lie down.

    I… I have so many questions! Get this script online in full, Kirk! I’ll fight off the lawers with my pointed stick!

  • Yes. However my fingers only have one typing speed…

    There must be a scanner capable of OCRing such a thing at Uni somewhere…

  • FWIW, what I’ve read so far isn’t that similar to the book – there are obviously some common scenes and concepts – as with TV and Book differences.

    But it’s refreshingly different. And extremely good :D

  • I wonder how long it took for Mr Flibble to type this out? Hope he didn’t go to too much trouble……. Wish it was the real script though.

    By the way, I am really Rob Grant and YES I do eat pies. And I apologise for my autobiography ‘FAT’ being delayed for so long, it’s just that my fingers are so chubby I find it hard hitting a single key, let alone picking up a pen. Spoke to Doug last week about that thing we’re cooking up (no, it’s not a sequel to Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg…), yeah, thing is I said yeah and he said no…then he said yeah and I said no, so now we’re not doing it.

  • The thing is, that’s actually a fairly good script in the photos.

    Makes it all the more gut-wrenching, really.

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