As part of Digital Spy’s continuing (and entirely worthwhile) Phobia Corner, Red Dwarf has gained the dubious honour of being cited as the source of the third phobia in the series. The phobia of the kebab phobia.

It has to be said, the fear of a kebab suddenly leaping up and trying to throttle the life out of me isn’t one that often troubles my thoughts. In fact, as a child, I was far more traumatised by Professor Lanstrom’s horrible melting zombie face from Quarantine and, funnily enough, since I first saw that episode, I’ve had this irrational fear of terrifying, melty faced zombies leaping out at me from my wardrobe or grabbing my vulnerable ankles from under my bed. Brrr.

So, to carry on from DS’s pointless and pathetic article and my equally pointless and pathetic response, has Red Dwarf inspired any irrational fears in you? What, if anything, has you yelping and screaming like a little GIRL? Come on, ‘fess up, you massive coward.

20 comments on “They are my all-time second-worst fear, guy!

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  • The monsters in Meltdown used to terrify me. It’s not just how they looked, and the old scratchy film – it’s the sheer shock and incongrinuity of it all. It’s really spooky. And only seeing them for a few seconds makes it even worse.

    I remember being terrified before I first saw Polymorph, as I’d read up on the episode beforehand and been warned that it was scary… but, well, it’s just not, is it?

  • Am I weird, then, for not being terrified of aanything particularly related to Red Dwarf? Really, the only thing I’ve ever found myself irrationally frightened of is insects, particularly shots of them up very close/ones I’ve never seen before. Oddly enough, however, this doesn’t really apply to tarantulas, although goodness knows I’m not keen on them. I think it’s because my third grade class pet was a tarantula. (Once the teacher brought in a praying mantis and we took time away from class to watch them fight to the death in the tarantula’s tank. Kind of awesome, actually.)

  • I get a horror movie gasp-squick-shudder reaction every time
    I see Caroline’s feet hit the floor in Epideme, but
    that’s about the closest. RD monsters otherwise strike me
    as funny, corny or aww-it’s-cute!* I’ve seen all of RD as
    an adult though, so maybe that makes a difference.

    * Polymorph’s real form. I actually said “Awwww that’s so
    adorable! I want one!”, during the scene where it sees
    itself in the mirror.

  • im really scared of cats, really hate them. I hate it when Lister picks up Frankinstein. Its weird I know.

  • Truthfully, it used to make me feel a bit sick when Lister is kissing the Psiren. Now I feel even more sick thinking about Craig Charles’s lips smothered in KY jelly. Seriously, who do you feel more sorry for, Lister or the Psiren?

    I think psycho-Rimmer in Quarantine is a gnat’s wing away from actually creepy. If it wasn’t for the funny lines and Chris in the dress it probably would be. But maybe the dress makes it frightening. I’d laugh if someone had a fear of gingham dresses due to this episode! (obviously I wouldn’t laugh in their face…apologies to anyone who actually suffers from this phobia (hang on, do you say you ‘suffer’ from a phobia? You don’t say ‘she suffers from claustrophobia’ do you? ‘She experiences agrophobia’ could be right, or ‘he is anglophobic’….))

    I’ll tell you what Red Dwarf gave me a fear of – other sci-fi comedies.

  • > Truthfully, it used to make me feel a bit sick when Lister is kissing the Psiren.

    I think that is probably the sickest thing in Red Dwarf…unless the Smeg Ups count then maybe Craig Charles almost ripping his bollocks off in Gunmen

  • I used to have a terrible fear of Daddy Longlegs. It started when there are literally tens of thousands of the bastards around my school, and i steadily grew to hate them. and only recently has it changed from a fear of being near them completely, to an anger at the fact that i’ve let them scare me.

    Oh, and also as soon as I see one, it has to stop existing. I wish i could explain the rationale. Can’t. Sorry.

    And since i live near the Yorkshire Television studios on Kirkstall Road. and the logo on the side of that building (which has now been removed, contrary to GoogleEarth) used to scare the shit out of me.

  • Not sure i’m happy about Digital Spy having the same initials as me either. I think they should change it. To Jigital Cpy

  • As a direct result of Red Dwarf I am absoloutely terrified of beige, it used to be a colour I could get on with, an old friend from the 70’s and the colour of the Vauxhall Chevette my mate’s dad won on Bullseye.
    Now I have beige epilepsy, its not so much the seizures but the simultanious loss of bowel control that I have trouble dealing with.
    Even chocolate browns and pale oranges make me feel a bit queezy.

    Damn you series IV for making me this way!

  • >Okay. I?m now a little scared of Arlene does that count?

    Think of it like this–I’m more afraid when I see an extreme close-up of a housefly’s face in a documentary than I am of a huge exotic arachnid, some of which eat small animals and grow to be bigger than my hand. Arguably it’s more sad than anything else.

  • >And since i live near the Yorkshire Television studios on Kirkstall Road. and the logo on the side of that building (which has now been removed, contrary to GoogleEarth) used to scare the shit out of me.

    Ha! Fear of the Yorkshire logo is more common than you might think. No-one seems to share my slight fear of the Thames ident, though. I’m both excited and terrified by it.

  • Thingywhatsername – Hildegard Langstrom. Terrifies the crap out of me. Especially when it mixes her glowing eyes with the footage of the crew. For me, that’s probably the one genuinely scary moment in Dwarf.

  • The bit that freaks me out slightly about Hildegard Langstrom is that shot where her face is *just* at the bottom of the screen as she comes out of stasis, just before she sits up. I don’t know what it is about that shot, but it just gets me.

  • >For me, that?s probably the one genuinely scary moment in Dwarf.

    I think I have to agree. Though two moments mentioned already–the Psiren kiss and Caroline Carmen–affect me appropriately. They’re still genuinely disgusting to watch, but in a way that I chuckle through every time. They’re both very well done. Maybe not scary…but they still hit the mark with me.

  • The degeneration of a hilarious, intelligent, well-made sitcom into a piece of unfunny crap is perhaps the scariest aspect of Red Dwarf.

    OK, I’ll shut up.

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