Oh Boy, Were We Suckered! Features Posted by Ian Symes on 21st April 2009, 16:14 Here at G&T, we like to talk a lot. We also like to pretend we know what we’re talking about. Often, we don’t. Here at G&T, we like to talk a lot. We also like to pretend we know what we’re talking about. Often, we don’t, particularly when it comes to predicting details of future Red Dwarf ventures, extrapolated from very sketchy information. Nevertheless, we attempt it often, and with this in mind, we present some of the finest prediction-based fails from the months leading up to Back To Earth‘s broadcast. It’s not going to be pretty… Seb Patrick, 2nd February: [Carbug] could just be an incredibly cheap way of “doing” Starbug on Dave’s budget (like… I don’t know, they get to earth and suddenly the ship transmogrifies into that thing somehow) HAHA, SEB, YOU IDIOT. Didn’t you even know that it’d be a real car belonging to a fictionalised version of James Bull? He’s such a child, that boy. Although, to be fair, Seb did also point out that Carbug and Corrie probably wouldn’t be a major part of the specials, given that it was only a day’s filming – a lot of people were worried that the whole thing would be a massive Corrie crossover. So, we’re still better than YOU. Jonathan Capps, 4th February: the smart money (i.e. MY money) suggests that this is indeed the Rimmer we last saw kneeing an imaginary death in the bony balls who has, obviously, died at some point in the last ten years. While it’s never explicitly stated in Back To Earth, the implication seems to be that it was the original Rimmer all along, what with his Despair Squid knowledge and ink tolerance. But I guess we’re still waiting (possibly indefinitely) for a Word of God clarification on this… Ian Symes, 23rd February is [the Dwarf merchandise] just there to publicise the shooting, or is it part of the set dressing? I can’t tell – the fact that it’s only in one window (the smaller one at that) could suggest that it won’t be on camera […] that “Back To Red Dwarf Earth” poster at the very front of the shop display definitely looks like it’s an unofficial quick-and-dirty-Photoshop-job. My money is tentatively placed on the bit of the table that reads “we’re reading too much into this”. Take note – the best way to avoid a prediction fail is to sit on the fence to such an extent that you don’t actually commit to an opinion either way. Except, that doesn’t quite work, as you end up just looking like even more of a twat than normal. See also: the punditry of Alan Shearer. Ian Symes, 25th February: It looks very serious – my first thought was that he was at a funeral, but the white tie would put paid to that. Must be a wedding, or some sort of formal occasion anyway. It was, of course, none of those things – just Lister spending some time at Kochanski’s grave. It’s terribly amusing to look back at just how much we tried to read into things that turned out to be relatively straightforward… Ian Symes, 27th February: Is that… is that a simulant? It looks like an old Series IV style simulant, being apprehended by Cat and Lister in a blue-tinted laboratory. Well, the blue-tinted laboratory was right, but it was in fact a small Chinese man wearing bits of a Simulant costume. I still insist that someone (Ellard) chose to put that frame on TOS deliberately to mislead us all, though. And it worked, dammit. We were even speculating over the course of the weekend that this scene would be part of a montage of clips from the fake Series IX… Ian Symes, 4th March: (Hmm, there’s a thought – maybe Holly’s not around because he’s had to switch himself off in order to save enough power for an extra hologram?) Haha! No. John Hoare, 30th March: Thanks to our ever-helpful forum-goers for pointing out that whilst Part 1 of Back To Earth has a 30 minute slot, Part 2 and Part 3 have 40 bloody minutes! Surely up-and-coming broadcast engineer John Hoare should know better than to take EPG listings seriously? As it turned out, the running times for Parts 2 and 3 were a couple of minutes longer than Part 1, but nothing like the twenty minutes predicted here… Seb Patrick, 1st April: If they’ve gone to the trouble of creating this Mars backdrop, and filming on/in front of it, is this going to be plot-relevant? Or simply something we’re to mentally slot in between their heading home and getting there? Or is it neither? YOU DECIDE. Clue: it’s neither. Seb Patrick, 3rd April: Note that not only does Lister look bruised and bloodied, but Rimmer appears to have a massive cut on his forehead. Despite being a hologram. INTERESTING. No, you impudent FOOL, it’s squid ink, clearly. And this actually turns out to be pretty vital – if Lister hadn’t have thrown the tentacle at Rimmer, he wouldn’t have been inked, and he wouldn’t have joined in the hallucination… Obviously, we’ve saved the biggest and most embarrassing fuck-up until last… Ian Symes, 4th April: IT’S NOT KOCHANSKI’S FUNERAL, IT’S RIMMER’S! […] he’s mourning for Rimmer, not Kochanski Shame mode. I… I… I… sorry. To be fair, he doesn’t explicitly say that he’s mourning Kochanski, he could equally be mourning George McIntyre or Mel Bibby… Oh, alright. Fuck off. So, there you have it. G&T may be the best place to go for all the latest unofficial Red Dwarf news, just don’t pay the blindest bit of notice to anything we’ve got to say.