Come on, guys and gals. Forget all that BRAND NEW SMEGGING SERIES tot, we all know what you really come to G&T for. Let’s continue our examination of the edits Dave have made to their Red Dwarf Weekends – this time, taking a look at Series IV and III.
First of all, though, a word of warning. I’m very much afraid that I have to let you know of a rather grave matter. I regret to inform you that the following shot was cut from Dimension Jump:
I know, I know. Go and get a cup of tea, steady your nerves, and we’ll resume things in five minutes, OK?
1) A cut that I never would have thought was necessary in a million years:
KRYTEN: It’s a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir. What the mind-probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident. In a way, you tried and convicted yourself. I simply have to establish you’re a neurotic[, under-achieving emotional retard] whose ambition far outstrips his miniscule abilities and who consequently blames himself for an accident for which he could not possibly have been responsible.
Surely there’s a difference between Kryten’s use of “emotional retard” here, and someone shouting “YOU RETARD!” at the top of their lungs?
2) Those damn directives never seem to do well out of these edits, do they?
KRYTEN: Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
[RIMMER: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, “No chance you metal bastard.”]
CAT: Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life! I’m not asking you to do anything I wouldn’t do!
YET AGAIN, one of the best lines in an episode – gone.
3) Brace, yourself. Yes, it really was cut:
The episode is 283% poorer for this edit. My query is: if Kryten’s spare hand sticking two fingers up and Lister sticking one finger up in D.N.A. were not deemed worth snipping, why was this cut?
The phrase “brown-tongued his way up the ranks” was also deemed acceptable. I have no idea how any of this is supposed to work.
4) Possibly the most interesting edit of all I’ve seen so far; Lister’s “suppose the fat bastard must’ve been Goering” is changed to “suppose the fat one must’ve been Goering”. It’s flawlessly done; you’d never know unless you’d seen the original, and whilst I am obviously OPPOSED to it, it’s difficult not to feel a bit of admiration. They even cut to the shot outside briefly to hide the lip sync issue!
In fact, take a look yourself – the “one” is clearly taken from seconds earlier:
EDIT (18/06/16): The above video has been changed from a minute long excerpt to a 21 second version, to escape BBC Worldwide’s blocking spree. All the relevant stuff mentioned above is included, however.
5) Another interesting edit:
KRYTEN: Assisi, sir, Saint Francis of Assisi.
RIMMER: There’s only two kinds from Assisi, s[teers and queers – which are you, boy?]
KRYTEN: Moving hastily on, sir.
This is actually as well done as it could be – the edit tries to make it look like Kryten is interrupting Rimmer before he can be extremely rude. Whoever edited this episode for compliance really knew what they were doing technically.
Bearing in mind that the programme is very clearly not on Rimmer’s side, we can only assume that Dave just doesn’t like the fact the word “queer” is portrayed negatively here. The laddish fools.
6) There really are an awful lot of edits for bastards, aren’t there? I never even realised the show used the word so much.
LISTER: OK, OK! But look at the flipside of the coin. It’s not all good. Take someone like, say… St. Francis of Assissi. In this universe, he’s the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! [Or Santa Claus – what a bastard!
LISTER: He’s just a big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid’s favorite toys!]
MANAGER: Uoy ot Skcollob!
Oh dear. In the most stupendous move for Dave yet in this run of repeats, the episode of Marooned showed is… the Remastered version. (Unlike the DVDs, these are 4:3 edits, without the RE-MASTERED graphic superimposed – the versions which showed up on BBC Two years ago.)
I believe this blog post I made in 2010 sums up my feelings about this one: this is clearly Dave broadcasting whatever’s in their archive, and nobody has paid any attention to getting the correct material at all. Come on – even ignoring everything else different about the episode, if you had one show in a series which had an entirely different opening sequence to the rest, wouldn’t you think that was worth investigating?
This, more than anything else, shows the lack of care Dave are putting into this repeat run. It’s absolutely abominable.
7) The zoom out from Lister lying on the bed in the medical unit is cut. No lines are lost, and this makes things smoother when placing the ad break; an acceptable cut.
The most interesting thing about the broadcast of Polymorph is that – even though it was shown pre-watershed – Lister’s “twat it” line was not cut. The episode has definitely aired countless times with this line awkwardly cut – and even broadcast after the watershed with the line cut at times – so it’s odd that suddenly, the line is left intact. Unfortunately, the Marooned nonsense above suggests that it’s probably not deliberate.
8) MORE CUT BASTARDS, THE BASTARDS:
RIMMER: You’ve reached that age, Listy. When you’re younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like and still climb into your 26 inch waist trousers and zip them closed. [Then you reach that age – 24, 25 – your muscles give up they wave a little white flag and then without any warning at all, you’re suddenly a fat bastard.]
LISTER: I’m not fat – I’m porky!
9) Rimmer-as-Lister flicking V-signs as he’s about to crash. A very well done edit, as it goes – you’d never know it was cut. But again – the V-sign was fine in D.N.A., but not here?
10) Lister-as-Rimmer’s “You bastard!” at the end is cut. BORED NOW.
11) BASTARDS BASTARDS BASTARDS BASTARDS BASTARDS BASTARDS BASTARDS:
RIMMER: It’s my duty. [My duty as a complete and utter bastard!]
And that’s your lot for this week. Tune in on Sunday when we’ll be publishing the last of these articles. In the meantime, I’ll be thinking of this, and crying in the corner: