Onto Red Dwarf VI first, then. Sadly, all episodes bar Out Of Time had at least one edit. As ever, all edits are denoted [like this].
1) A hefty old chunk from the Psiren’s seduction of Lister:
LISTER: Back off, Pete Tranter’s sister! I know what you’re after: it’s moist and pink and it’s inside my head. And that’s where it’s staying.
PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: Oh come on, Dave. You know what you want. [You want to squeeze my buttocks together to make one juicy giant peach.
LISTER: I get it. You’re trying to make me drown in my own drool. Well, it won’t work.
PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: Don’t fight it.
LISTER: Stay back, Pete Tranter’s sister.
PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: How long has it been since you made love to a woman?
LISTER: I admit it’s been a while.
PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: It’s been over three million years, Dave.
LISTER: I prefer to count it in Ice Ages: then it’s just four. And if you count it in leap Ice Ages, it’s hardly even one.
PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: That’s a long time, Dave, for a man of your drives.
LISTER: that’s a long time for a Albanian shepherd who’s allergic to wool.
PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: Kiss me.
LISTER: I can’t resist you any more, Pete Tranter’s sister.
PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: Your death will be exquisite. I’ll take you to the peak of ecstasy, then I’ll blow your mind.]
Some of the kiss with the Psiren is edited out as well… but the spear through Pete Tranter’s Sister is left entirely intact. The overall effect of this edit feels rather misogynistic – so all the relatively tame sex talk is a no go, but violent imagery with a woman is completely fine? How the fuck does that work?
2) Yeah, ORAL SEX is out. A pity. I like it.
RIMMER: I would just feel more comfortable if I know that we’re all on our toes ‘cos everyone’s aware it’s a Blue Alert situation.
[LISTER: We all are on our toes.
RIMMER: May I remind you all of Space Core Directive 34124?
KRYTEN: 34124. “No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity”.
RIMMER: Damn you both, all the way to Hades! I want to go to Blue Alert!]
LISTER: OK, OK.
LISTER presses a button. The “Alert” box on the wall starts to flash blue.
What better way to celebrate Red Dwarf than cutting out one of the best jokes of the series, eh, Dave? (Feel free to count up how many time I use this exact phrase. I think it gets better with every use, personally.)
Gunmen of the Apocalypse
3) An odd one. No, the bouncy car is not cut, despite the bouncy tent in Stoke being deemed DISGUSTING. Nor – incredibly – is the reference to the “jailbait ball girl” cut, despite plenty of less dodgy lines being snipped. No, the one edit to this stupendous half-hour of television is the removal of half an second of this shot:
I had no idea why this could possibly have been cut – but @WillJTudor suggested it could be deemed an epilepsy risk, which seems as good a reason as any.
Incidentally, it’s worth pointing out when Dave does something right. Here, they place the ad break just as the simulant takes out our four heroes. This is the perfect place to put it – a lovely little cliffhanger. Dare I suggest that this actually improves the viewing of the episode than just watching it in one chunk?
Emohawk: Polymorph II
4) The following line, which has always sat a bit oddly with me, to be honest:
LISTER: Hey wait a minute. Gelf moon bearing 356 by 121. It’s got an ocean. Can you get us there?
CAT: [Does mouse shit roll?] I’ll get you there, bud.
5) The “Men! They’re all bastards!” subtitle has been blanked out, leaving just a black box.
Yep, we’re back to getting rid of one of the episode’s best jokes…
6) Space Corps Directives seem to get a bit of a bum deal:
LISTER: We’re going in.
Cut to: Mid-section.
[KRYTEN: Sir, can’t you see your behaviour is totally irrational?
RIMMER: In which case we can remove him from duty as per Space Corps Directive 196156.
KRYTEN: 196156? Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women’s gym will be discharged without trial? Hmm, I’m sorry sir, that doesn’t quite get to the nub of the matter for me.] Sir, we have enough thistles and weeds and cultured fungus for you to scrum yourself stupid until the day you die. This foolhardy trip beggars logic.
Come on, is this really worth cutting? Really? (Incidentally, the way Robert says “nub of the matter” here is one of my favourite line deliveries of the series.)
7) Speaking of bum deals… the shot of Rimmer’s BARE ARSE is also considerably shortened. Which seems rather a pity. If Frank Spencer can get away with it pre-watershed, you’d think Rimmer could.
Onto Red Dwarf V, then – and things look considerably better with this series. Only two edits!
8) This isn’t even a deliberate cut – just a piece of sheer ineptitude. The ad break is placed on Commander Binks’s beam out, and… well, see below. (Apologies for the aspect ratio issue halfway through, which would not have shown up on broadcast; this is just a quick example to show the ad break issue.)
Brilliant, Dave. Way to drag you out of the show.
Back To Reality
9) Apart from the above, Dave did a remarkable job with Red Dwarf V. By their own low standards they have acquitted themselves. But if you’re going to edit an episode of V, why not choose what’s widely considered the best episode of Red Dwarf ever made?
JAKE: Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority. [And if those pen-pushers up at City Hall don’t like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid-digit and swivel – swivel till they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon.
RIMMER: On the other hand, Mr. Bullet, perhaps the Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic control. And you just happen to have a rather silly macho name.
JAKE: Oh yes, that’s a very good point, sir. I didn’t think of that.]
DWANE: Duane Dibbley?
Presumably, this was cut as Kryten sticks his robotic finger up. Brilliantly, this also ruins the later callback joke in the car park: “That’s traffic control.” Fantastic stuff.
Tune in tomorrow, when I tackle Red Dwarf IV and III. SPOILER: They showed the Remastered version of Marooned. Anyone want to guess how many paragraphs I’ll wring out of that?