Revisions Timetable Features Posted by Flap Jack on 12th October 2022, 08:55 In the latest example of our readers being better than us at writing articles these days, we’re proud to present an extremely niche but very important missive from Flap Jack. Ever since recording the Book Club, we’ve wanted to catalogue all the changes made within the various releases of the Red Dwarf novels. In a beautiful piece of synchronicity, old Flappo Jacko got in touch a few weeks ago having done exactly that. This is the first of two articles investigating the amendments to those sacred texts. Red Dwarf is no stranger to having its episodes tweaked with over time. From smaller changes like the word “week’s” being omitted from the opening of Polymorph on VHS, to the huge reworks made for the controversial Red Dwarf Remastered project, you can never be absolutely sure that your favourite moments will be unaltered whenever the show is released onto a new format. But there’s one corner of the Dwarf canon where this phenomenon has so far only experienced surface-level scrutiny: the novels. If you’ve ever read Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers on paperback and then later re-experienced it on audiobook – or in the Omnibus edition with its sequel, Better Than Life – you’ll probably have noticed that a few things here and there aren’t quite the same. How many details were changed from version to version, exactly, and what were they? Today, let’s find the answers, piece by piece. [Note: The unabridged audiobooks are full of small changes to phrasing, additional hesitation, pronouns swapped with names and vice versa, words swapped with synonyms, uncontracted words replaced with contracted ones etc. As these changes are so numerous and do not invite commentary, they will not be covered here, but they are listed here for posterity. I will also not be covering any changes that are just fixes for obvious typos.] Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor Versions Compared: Paperback (1989, Penguin Books) – 2nd Printing Omnibus (1992, Penguin Books) – 11th Printing Unabridged Audiobook (Laughing Stock Productions, 1992) – 2008 Audible Edition The first change of note occurs in Chapter ONE of Part One, in which we meet Saunders, a hologramatic crewmember on Red Dwarf who is not too happy about his new lot in the afterlife, in particular dwelling on the prospect of his wife moving on and dating someone else. Paperback / Omnibus And… she would sleep with him. She would go to bed with him. And hell, she would probably enjoy it. Even though she still loved Saunders. Audiobook And… she would sleep with them. She would go to bed with them. And hell, she would probably enjoy it. Even though she still loved him. A simple change in pronouns, and suddenly Saunders isn’t being quite so presumptuous about the gender of his wife’s next sexual partner. We stan Carole Saunders, a plausibly bisexual icon. Next, in Chapter THREE, in which we’re first introduced to Lister and Rimmer on Mimas, Lister recalls how he came to be in this predicament. Paperback / Audiobook He, and six of his very closest friends, decided to usher in his twenty-fourth year by going on a Monopoly board pub-crawl around London. Omnibus He, and six of his very closest friends, decided to usher in his twenty-fifth year by going on a Monopoly board pub-crawl around London. And so we dive into the murky, treacherous waters of continuity. Was Lister’s legendary birthday pub crawl on his 23rd birthday, or his 24th? Well… it’s not exactly cut and dry. Let’s collate the timeline as described by the rest of the novel: Lister records his approximate birthday as October 14th when signing up with the Space Corps. After 6 months on Mimas (which would presumably be mid April), Lister boards Red Dwarf for the first time. Lister’s time as part of Red Dwarf’s crew, pre-stasis, is variously described as being 7 or 8 months long. The radiation leak which kills the crew of Red Dwarf occurs on October 27th, 2 weeks after Lister’s ‘official’ birthday. When Lister is let out of stasis 3 million years later, Holly says with regards to him and Kochanski, “I mean, you’re twenty-four, she’s three million: it takes a lot for a relationship with that kind of age gap to work.” Lister is described as 25 years old multiple times in the period after he was revived from stasis and before he started to play ‘Better Than Life’. It’s not a particularly consistent timeline, whichever birthday Lister was celebrating on that fateful day. Lister is both 24 and 25 in the post-stasis present, and 13-14 months of events are somehow squeezed into just 12 months and 2 weeks. The key question is, which creates the fewest contradictions, Lister being 23 when he came to Mimas, or 24? If he was 23, then either the many separate occasions where he was referred to as 25 after coming out of stasis were all wrong, or that 13-14 month period was actually over 2 years. However, if we assume that Lister’s Monopoly board pub crawl might have actually taken place in mid-September (after all, he doesn’t know when his real birthday is) then the only thing that contradicts him being 24 when he came to Mimas is Holly’s “you’re twenty-four, she’s three million” line. Therefore, I unofficially declare that the Omnibus version – and also the Radio Show version – is the most correct. Phew. Next up is quite a minor change in Chapter FIVE, when Lister visits a Mimian brothel to pick up his taxi fare, who is not so secretly Arnold Rimmer. Paperback / Omnibus Phallus-shaped diving boards cast frightening shadows onto the softly gurgling water, while Chinese chimes, bedecked with glass erotica, tinkled in the strawberry-scented breeze of the air conditioner. Audiobook Phallus diving boards cast frightening shadows onto the softly gurgling water, while Chinese chimes, bedecked with glass erotica, tinkled and chimed in the strawberry-scented breeze of the air conditioner. As well as some extra chiming going on in the audio version, those diving boards are no longer explicitly just shaped like phalli, leaving open the exciting possibility that they are literal phalluses. Seems a bit impractical, considering you’d have to arouse them in order to actually use them as diving boards, but you never know. Jumping to Chapter SEVEN now, the chapter where Lister signs up for the Space Corps. Paperback / Omnibus If his daughter had brought home this specimen, Caldicott reflected, he would have shot them both without a second’s reflection. Audiobook The kind of guy, Caldicott reflected, if his daughter had brought him home, he’d have shot both of them. In the audio version, Space Corps recruiter Caldicott has upgraded his mental categorisation of Lister from “specimen” to “guy”, which is very kind of him. He is still fantasising about scenarios in which he would murder him in cold blood, though, so let’s not give him too much credit. Even if audiobook-Caldicott would hesitate a bit more before committing double homicide. In Chapter EIGHT, Lister gets picked up by the Shore Patrol from his residence in a luggage locker, and we get a description of him getting his things together. Paperback / Omnibus In the confined space of the locker, which was designed to accommodate two smallish suitcases, he groped around in the blackness, located his clothes, and pulled on his coffee-and-upholstery polish-stained trousers. Audiobook In the confined space of the locker, which was designed to accommodate two fairly decent-sized suitcases, he groped around in the blackness, located his clothes, and pulled on his coffee-and-upholstery polish-stained trousers. Hey, Lister’s really living the high life in the audio version! Maybe Rob and Doug felt that Lister squeezing himself into a “smallish” space was too cruel. They would never put Lister through hardship like that. Later on in Chapter EIGHT, as Lister is taking the shuttle up to Red Dwarf for the first time, the audiobook gives us a wholly original extra description of the ship. Paperback / Omnibus A huge, shadowy carbuncle jutted out a mile or so from the red monster’s belly – a small moon, torn out of orbit, had flung itself into the ship’s solar plexus and was now embedded in the hull, hanging there like a giant stone leech. Audiobook A huge, shadowy carbuncle jutted out a mile or so from the red monster’s belly – a small moon, torn out of orbit, and flung itself into the ship’s solar plexus and was now embedded into the hull, like a giant stone leech. It hung there, like a bird that sits ignored on the back of a hippopotamus. There’s not too much say about this one, other than that I’m not one to turn down a bit of extra content. Although Red Dwarf’s embedded moon being described as like a leech does bring to mind how tightly fastened it was to the ship, while the bird/hippo comparison makes it seem like the moon could float off at any moment. The next major change is in Chapter ELEVEN, where we get some juicy George McIntyre backstory, and hear about how he got into crippling debt by placing bets on space snail fights. Paperback / Omnibus The ferocious gastropods, with hand-sharpened horns, would meet in a six-foot square pit, and bets would be taken on the eventual victor. Audiobook The ferocious crustaceans, with hand-sharpened horns, would meet in a six-foot square pit, and bets would be taken on the eventual victor. But the buzz from watching two killer snails charging about slowly in the concrete pit; the roaring of the crowd as one snail drew blood, and the other retreated into its shell for hours on end… well, you had to be there to believe it. But the buzz of watching two killer crustaceans charging about slowly in the concrete pit; the roaring of the crowd as one snail drew blood, and the other retreated into its shell for hours on end… well, you had to be there to believe it. Now these are odd edits. From what I can find, there may be some circumstances in which snails are described as crustaceans, but ‘gastropod’ is a far more common and obvious descriptor. The Wikipedia page for “Snail” does not include the word “crustacean” once, nor does the page for “Crustacean” include the word “snail”. It’s not an offensive change by any means, but it does make me imagine the snails as having crab-like features. Perhaps Rob and/or Doug had recently seen The Little Mermaid. Next, in Chapter TWELVE, we get a lengthy explanation of Rimmer’s poor exam preparation habits. Paperback / Omnibus Which is why he’d received nine ‘F’s for fail and two ‘X’s for unclassified. Audiobook Which is why he’d received ten ‘F’s for fail and two ‘X’s for unclassified. A nice correction to a rather infamous error in this book, in which Rimmer is described as having taken the astronavigation exam 11 times previously, while also counting his next attempt as his 13th. Very good, shame the correction didn’t make it into the Omnibus. Or at least that’s what I would be saying, if they hadn’t left the introduction of Rimmer’s exam record 2 pages earlier completely unchanged in the audio version. “In all, he’d taken the exam eleven times. Nine times, he’d got an ‘F’ for fail, and on two occasions he’d got an ‘X’ for unclassified.” Whoops! I hope you like hearing about exam-related changes, because in Chapter SEVENTEEN we have another one, when Rimmer is in the middle of taking the exam itself. Paperback / Omnibus Ωf©†Δ⩽♢[∫∫†Ɏ′#§f©ΩΩ¨πµ~∫∫√ç√†ɎɎ ¨ §¶¶•Ω Σ®§∞ ¨ Δå’ Oh God, thought Rimmer, I’ve forgotten how to read. Audiobook Oh God, thought Rimmer, I’ve forgotten how to read. That’s right, Chris Barrie claims to be a professional audiobook man, and yet he makes no attempt to read out the long string of obscure symbols that took me hours just to broadly identify and transcribe. Pathetic. Finally getting onto Part Two, in Chapter ONE, Lister is awoken from stasis by Holly, and finds out that he’s been unthinkingly eating the remains of a certain former crewmember. Paperback / Omnibus Lister’s tongue hung guiltily from his mouth, and he wiped the white particles which had once formed part of Console Executive Imran Sanchez onto his jacket cuff. Audiobook Lister’s tongue hung guiltily from his mouth, and he wiped the white particles which had once formed part of Flight Co-ordinator Imran Sanchez onto his jacket cuff. Looks like Sanchez got a transfer to a different department! Except, no he didn’t, because he’s still referred to as a “Console Executive” in Holly’s dialogue. So whatever the intention was here, this was a mistake. Would you rather eat a Flight Co-ordinator or a Console Executive? An “executive” sounds more corporate to me, so that’s my preference. As a great man once said, “Eat the rich!”. Can’t remember who it was though. Maybe Jamie Oliver. Moving onto Chapter TWO, Rimmer is reflecting on his new hologramatic existence after reading the How to Cope With Your Own Death booklet. Paperback It was mumbo-jumbo to Rimmer. It was worse than Emerson, Lake and Palmer lyrics. ‘I’m so depressed.’ Omnibus / Audiobook To Rimmer it was incomprehensible mumbo-jumbo. It was more baffling than the three-dimensional foreplay diagrams in Lister’s zero-gravity sex manual. The most significant edit so far. In what will become something of a trend, a specific pop culture reference is replaced with a “thing that exists now, but make it sci-fi” gag. Apologies to all the 70s prog rock fans out there who were just happy for the shout out, but the new line works quite well. It turns the reference to Lister’s Pop-up Karma Sutra in Chapter FOUR into a pay off. In addition to that, Rimmer no longer says “I’m so depressed” aloud, which seems like a fair change. He already said those exact words in his dialogue with Lister on the previous page; it doesn’t really add anything for him to repeat them when he’s on his own. Next up, Chapter THREE, in which Rimmer is overcome with frustration at Lister’s snoring, and takes some time to angrily reflect on what a bad bunkmate Lister has been to him. Paperback He once lent him his favourite album, and when it came back there was a footprint over James Last’s face! And raspberry jam seeds buried in the groove. How is that possible? To get jam on a record? Who listens to James Last and eats raspberry jam? Omnibus He once lent him his favourite album, and when it came back there was a footprint over Reggie Dixon’s Hammond organ! And raspberry jam seeds buried in the groove. How is that possible? To get jam on a record? Who listens to Hammond organ music and eats raspberry jam? Audiobook He once lent him his favourite album, and it came back with a footprint over Reggie Dixon’s Hammond organ! And raspberry … on a record? Here we have another reference to a specific musical act replaced with a fictional one, but with explicit mention of their instrument, so that it’s still a joke. It makes sense, because I’m guessing that the kids of the 1990s weren’t excitedly swapping James Last cassettes on the playground, but I’m sorry, a footprint over someone’s face is funnier than a footprint on a Hammond organ. It just is. Note that this isn’t due to some broad anti-James Last agenda, as Rimmer having a tribute to James Last played at his party in Part Three remains in all versions. Although it is weird to think about the fact that “Reggie Dixon’s Hammond organ” combines lines from Camille, Dimension Jump, and Quarantine, none of which were written at the time this book first came out. And hey… what on Earth happened with the audiobook? A whole chunk of the paragraph is just gone! Presumably this was an error in the recording or in the editing, but it is funny in its own right to hear Chris Barrie say “And raspberry… ON A RECORD?” as a total non-sequitur. Next, in Chapter FOUR, Lister is reaching into his fish tank to try and find his beloved mechanical fish, McCartney. Paperback / Omnibus He rolled up his sleeve and swirled his arm around in the stagnant filth, releasing a pungent, evil smell. Audiobook He rolled up his sleeve and swirled his arm around in the stagnant filth. A pungent, evil smell was disturbed from its slumber. They’ve just added a little bit more poetry into this paragraph, which is nice. When reading the book version I was thinking “Yes, but what was the pungent, evil smell doing before it was released?” so I’m glad the audio version cleared that up. Jumping ahead to Chapter SIX, Holly is remembering how he chose to spend his final nanoseconds before the radiation leak. Paperback / Omnibus Then he read the Bible, the Koran, and other major religious works: he covered Islam, Zoroastrianism, Mazdaism, Zarathustrianism, Dharma, Brahmanism, Hinduism, Vedanta, Jainism, Buddhism, Hinayana, Mahayana, Sikhism, Shintoism, Taoism and Confucianism. Audiobook Then he read the Bible, the Koran, and other major religious works: he covered Islam, Zoroastrianism, Mazdaism, Zarathustrianism, Dharma, Brahmanism, Hinduism, Vedantism, Jainism, Buddhism, Hinayana, Mahayana, Brahmaism, Sikhism, Shintoism, Taoism and Confucianism. It’s not clear whether “Brahmaism” is meant to be “Brahmoism”, or “Brahmanism” again, but either way, there’s only one conclusion – audiobook Holly is a faster reader than book Holly. Yet listening to audiobooks is generally slower than reading text. Makes you think. Regardless of how many religious texts Holly reads, he saves the most challenging book until last. Paperback And, to kill the remaining few nanoseconds, he skipped briefly through Kevin Keegan‘s Football – It’s a Funny Old Game. Omnibus / Audiobook And, to kill the remaining few nanoseconds, he skipped briefly through Joe Klumpp‘s Zero Gee Football – It’s a Funny Old Game. Yes, it’s the one you’ve all been waiting for. Give it up for Mr. Joe Klumpp, everyone! It’s an understandable impulse to want to avoid tying yourself to a reference to a current celebrity that might not have staying power, but unfortunately the specificity of the Kevin Keegan gag is kind of the whole thing. The word “Klumpp” is not inherently funny enough to make up for it. Also, it feels obvious to point this out, but… zero gee football literally isn’t an old game. It hasn’t even been invented yet! In fact, I’m starting to worry it never will be. With that done, it’s not long before Keegan and Klumpp get another mention. Paperback And second, Kevin Keegan should have stuck to having his hair permed. Omnibus And second, Joe Klumpp. should have stuck to having his hair permed. Audiobook And second, Joe Klumpp should never have been allowed anywhere near a ghost writer. The Omnibus just replaced the name, but the audiobook took it a step further and concocted a whole new line, presumably so that when you picture Joe Klumpp you aren’t just picturing Kevin Keegan with a jetpack or something. It’s not a bad line, but it makes Holly seem way harsher for holding a grudge against Klumpp. He didn’t even write the book! But maybe Holly does have a point. The guy randomly added a full stop onto the end of his name here. He’s obviously a tool. Anyway, we’re still not quite done with this particular change, as Keeglump gets two more references, one more in this chapter, and another in Chapter FIFTEEN. Paperback He saw sights Copernicus would have torn out his eyes for, but all the while he couldn’t stop thinking how bad that book was by Kevin Keegan. Omnibus / Audiobook He saw sights Copernicus would have torn out his eyes for, but all the while he couldn’t stop thinking how bad that book was by Joe Klumpp. But every year, by January the thirteenth, he’d generally forgotten to keep it up, and the rest of the diary just comprised a few important birthdays: his creator’s, his own, Netta Muskett’s and Kevin Keegan‘s. And the only reason he included Kevin Keegan‘s was to remind himself not to send him a card, because he’d written Football – It’s A Funny Old Game. But every year, by January the thirteenth, he’d generally forgotten to keep it up, and the rest of the diary just comprised a few important birthdays: his creator’s, his own, Netta Muskett’s and Joe Klumpp‘s. And the only reason he included Joe Klumpp‘s was to remind himself not to send him a card, because he’d written Zero Gee Football – It’s A Funny Old Game. Of course, as we’ve just seen, Kevin Keegan isn’t the only well-respected author that Holly is obsessed with. As Red Dwarf is drifting further and further into deep space and the Cat race is evolving, still in Chapter SIX, Holly is continuing to enjoy the work of Netta Muskett. Paperback / Omnibus But Holly didn’t see it. He was too busy reading Doctor, Darling. Audiobook But Holly didn’t see it. He was too busy reading Tomorrow Is Ours. Neither of these are real Netta Muskett books, but “Tomorrow Is Ours” is a direct reference to a real Muskett book, Today Is Ours. This makes it close to an objective improvement in my opinion. At the end of Chapter THIRTEEN, the crew’s experiences with light speed and future echoes are wrapping up. Paperback / Omnibus The two babies wailed louder than ever. Click. The future echoes faded away. Audiobook The two babies wailed louder than ever. Click. The future echoes slowly faded away. Thank you, audiobook, for clarifying the approximate speed at which the echoes of future Lister and his babies faded away, but I feel you could have been more specific than that. Maybe give me an exact time in milliseconds, and interval times for various opacity percentages? Skipping forward to Chapter FIFTEEN, Lister and Rimmer have finished adapting Future Echoes and are now adapting their first scene in Kryten. Paperback / Audiobook ‘Oh, really? And how many books have you read in your entire life? The same number as Champion, The Wonder Horse. Zero.’ Omnibus ‘Oh, really? And how many books have you read in your entire life? The same number as Woolfie Sprogg, The Plasticine Dog Zero.’ Hey, so that’s where Joe Klumpp stole that full stop from! Yet another real pop-cultural reference replaced with a reference to an invented piece of pop culture which exists exclusively within the Red Dwarf universe. I’m split on this one. On the one hand, the introduction of an original character overcomplicates the joke, but on the other hand, I love me a good rhyme. Meanwhile, in Chapter TWENTY-TWO, Lister and the two Rimmers are packing up Rimmer’s things for his move. Paperback / Omnibus Lister tossed it back on the shelf, then turned and opened the locker marked ‘Rimmer, A.J. BSc, SSc’, which long ago Lister had learned stood for ‘Bronze Swimming Certificate’ and ‘Silver Swimming Certificate’, and started to heap all the contents onto the trolley. Audiobook Lister tossed it back on the shelf, then turned and opened the locker marked ‘Rimmer, A.J. BSc, SSc’, and started to heap all the contents onto the trolley. I have no idea why you would just straight up remove the explanation for what ‘BSc’ and ‘SSc’ stand for. Seems like this could just be a mistake. In Chapter TWENTY-EIGHT, Lister has gone on an honest-to-goodness mining quest, and is not too happy about how helpful The Cat and Kryten are being. Paperback He punched helplessly at the yellow furry dice dangling from the mirror, and wondered if it would have been possible to find two more incompetent and useless assistants in the entire universe to help him mine for uranium. George the Third and Brian Kidd were the only two that sprang readily to mind. Omnibus / Audiobook He punched helplessly at the yellow furry dice dangling from the mirror, and wondered if it would have been possible to find two more incompetent and useless assistants in the entire universe to help him mine for uranium. The fifth-century Norwegian warrior King Havac the Imbecile and his more idiotic half-brother were the only two that sprang readily to mind. Once again a reference to real historical or popular figures is replaced with a reference to made up people instead. I approve this change, if only because Brian Kidd was a perfectly decent footballer and doesn’t deserve to be in the “useless and incompetent” chair. Although it does seem a bit educationally irresponsible to just invent 5th century Norwegian kings. Imagine if someone included Havac the Imbecile as an example in their history essay, or the Mayor of Warsaw who spontaneously combusted. Next, in Chapter THIRTY-ONE, Lister is watching It’s A Wonderful Life as he anticipates their journey to Earth on the Nova 5, and he’s got up to his favourite scene. Paperback / Omnibus Then up steps old Mrs Davis and asks for only seventeen dollars and fifty cents, which was the point where Lister usually started to blubber, and tears would sting his eyes, and he wouldn’t dare look around the room in case anyone was watching him. Audiobook Then up steps old Mrs Davis and asks for only seventeen dollars and fifty cents, which was the point where Lister usually started to burble, and tears would sting his eyes, and he wouldn’t dare look around the room in case anyone was watching him. Book Lister noisily cries at an emotional scene in a film. Audiobook Lister starts incoherently speaking to himself and making baby noises. I have concerns about Audiobook Lister. In Chapter THIRTY-THREE, Rimmer recalls receiving an invitation to dine at the Captain’s table: Paperback / Omnibus “The Captain requests the pleasure of the company of Mr. A. J. Rimmer and guest. 8.30 for 9.00. Black tie, evening dress. RSVP.” Audiobook “The Captain requests the pleasure of the company of Mr. A. J. Rimmer and guest. 8.30 for 9.00. Black tie, long dress. RSVP.” Now, I admit I’m no expert in formalwear, but as best I can guess without doing any research, Book Rimmer could have worn smart shorts, while Audiobook Rimmer could have worn smart dungarees, but sadly neither of them took the opportunity. A little later in the same chapter, Rimmer is recounting being at the dinner, and suffice to say it wasn’t going too well. Paperback / Omnibus And I can see the Captain’s boyfriend looking at me with pity in his eyes, because he thinks I’m half-crazy with grief. Audiobook And I can see the Captain’s boyfriend looking at me with pity in his eyes, because she thinks I’m half-crazy with grief. Quite a confusing change here. In the written version of events, it’s the Captain’s boyfriend who Rimmer suspects thinks he’s half-crazy. In the audio version, the Captain’s boyfriend is looking at Rimmer with pity because of what he somehow knows the Captain is thinking, but not because of anything he thinks personally. Perhaps the Captain’s boyfriend is a telepath, and Kirk only expresses her emotions through him… or, perhaps Chris Barrie misspoke. Next, in Part Three, Chapter TWO, Rimmer has just witnessed his virtual wife Juanita Chicata destroying an extremely pricey musical instrument. Paperback / Omnibus It was a lot to pay for a piano that nobody played, but his wife thought it would look ‘kinda neat’ in the bedroom, so he’d got it. Audiobook It was a lot to pay for a piano that nobody played, but his wife thought it would look ‘kinda neat’ in the bathroom, so he’d got it. “Wait, when you said you wanted to ‘tinkle the ivories’, I didn’t think you meant…” – Audiobook Rimmer, possibly. This change certainly makes Juanita even more eccentric and wasteful of money than she was already. Not only is she almost guaranteed not to ever play a bathroom piano, if she did play it she’d probably get the sheet music all wet and get poo germs on the keys. Next, in Chapter FOUR, Rimmer and Juanita are hosting a nice quiet party with a few of their closest friends. Paperback / Omnibus The prima ballerinas from all the European Ballets were arranged around the roof garden in gilded cages, spinning and pirouetting to entertain the guests. Audiobook The primadonnas from the Bolshoi Ballet were arranged around the roof garden in gilded cages, spinning and pirouetting to entertain the guests. I mean, sure, the Bolshoi Ballet are pretty good, I guess. But they’re not all the European Ballets, are they? Honestly, Audiobook Rimmer is such a cheapskate. A little later, in Chapter FIVE, Rimmer has just been told by Lister that they’re in ‘Better Than Life’, and looks upon his party as he considers it. Paperback / Omnibus He looked at the phalanx of waiters holding the silver platters above their heads as they glided about, serving the second course of the banquet. Audiobook He looked at the phalanx of waiters holding the silver platters above their heads, serving the second course of the banquet. Rimmer’s party waiters are no longer gliding about in the audio version – probably because they only have a meagre one world-renowned ballet troupe in the building to inspire them. Moving onto Chapter SIX, Lister and Rimmer are now on their way to find The Cat, and Rimmer is starting to feel a bit self-conscious about his fantasies. Paperback / Omnibus He moaned softly. The innards of his psyche were there for all to see: putrid and rotten and rancid. His neuroses parading like grinning contestants in the Mr Universe contest! Audiobook He moaned softly. The innards of his psyche were there for all to see: putrid and rotten and rancid. His neuroses parading like contestants in the Mr Universe contest! The hypothetical bodybuilders in Rimmer’s imagination aren’t grinning any more. I can only assume that somebody just told them about Kevin Keegan being replaced with Joe Klumpp. And for the final noteworthy change in Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers, in Chapter NINE, Lister is remembering what Kryten told him about how to get out of The Game. Paperback / Omnibus ‘And where are these doors?’ he’d asked Kryten. ‘It’s your fantasy,’ Kryten had replied; ‘they’re wherever you want them to be.’ So there it was. All he had to do was imagine an exit, and go through it. Audiobook ‘And where are these doors?’ he’d asked Kryten. ‘It’s your fantasy,’ Kryten had replied; ‘they’re wherever you want them to be.’ ‘Simple as that?’ ‘Simple as that.’ So there it was. All he had to do was imagine an exit, and go through it. Just a bit of functionally pointless extra dialogue to round off the book. Pointless, but harmless, and the prose still flows well, so hopefully this revelation won’t divide the Red Dwarf fanbase into Pro-’Simple as that’ and Anti-’Simple as that’ factions. Better Than Life By Rob Grant and Doug Naylor Versions Compared: Hardback (1990, Viking Books) – 1st Printing Paperback (1991, Penguin Books) – 1st Printing Omnibus (1992, Penguin Books) – 11th Printing Unabridged Audiobook (Laughing Stock Productions, 1994) – 2010 Audible Edition The first change made to Better Than Life is a simple one, and it occurs on the very first page: the Prologue is completely omitted from the audiobook. Hardback / Paperback / Omnibus Time is a character in this novel. It does strange things: moves in strange directions, and at strange speeds. Don’t trust Time. Time will always get you in the end. Grant Naylor (Alexandria, 25 BC) Imagine how shocked all of the audiobook-first listeners must have been when Time revealed itself as the villain! It’s a shame that the Prologue didn’t survive the adaptation; it’s a decent teaser for the time-bending hijinks that are to follow. In Part One, Chapter ONE, Rimmer is recovering from his BTL stag party with his cohort of historical celebrities. Hardback Julius Caesar stumbled through the french windows out on to the terrace with an ice-pack perched on his head. ‘Can anyone tell me,’ he asked in faltering English, ‘where in Jupiter’s name we got this? I woke up in bed with it this morning.’ He held aloft a large orange-and-white-striped traffic cone. ‘I woke up in bed with it this morning.’ Paperback / Omnibus / Audiobook Julius Caesar stumbled through the french windows out on to the terrace with an ice-pack perched on his head. ‘Can anyone tell me,’ he asked in faltering English, ‘where in Jupiter’s name we got this?’ He held aloft a large orange-and-white-striped traffic cone. ‘I woke up in bed with it this morning.’ Caesar learned an important lesson after the hardback came out: if you wake up with a traffic cone in your bed, you only need to tell people once. OK, so this was probably (but not definitely) just a misprint to begin with, but it did have the side effect of making Caesar seem even more hungover. Fixing mistakes in later editions of a book is par for the course, but the Red Dwarf Omnibus said: what about introducing mistakes? In a revolutionary move, a bunch of dollar symbols have gone missing, meaning that Talkie Toaster’s price is sometimes (but not always) given in good ol’ pounds sterling. These instances of symbol scrubbing occur in Chapter EIGHT of Part One, Chapter SIXTEEN of Part One, and Chapter THREE of Part Three respectively. Hardback / Paperback / Audiobook One particular item in this collection was a talking toaster, which he’d bought in a souvenir shop on the Uranian moon of Miranda for the princely sum of $£19.99 plus tax. Omnibus One particular item in this collection was a talking toaster, which he’d bought in a souvenir shop on the Uranian moon of Miranda for the princely sum of £19.99 plus tax. He stooped, tossed aside a couple of bricks, and picked up a blue sailing yacht, which still bore the price tag: ‘$2.25¢’. He stooped, tossed aside a couple of bricks, and picked up a blue sailing yacht, which still bore the price tag: ‘2.25¢’. ‘Cheap!?’ the Toaster snorted, ‘I’m $£19.99, plus tax!’ ‘Cheap!?’ the Toaster snorted, ‘I’m £19.99, plus tax!’ Next, in Part One, Chapter EIGHTEEN, Lister has escaped ‘Better Than Life’ and is enjoying a nice coffee or two in his quarters… or is he? Hardback / Paperback / Omnibus He flicked the percolator to ‘Espresso‘ and went through to the shower cubicle as the coffee-machine gurgled its good morning. Audiobook He flicked the percolator to ‘Expresso‘ and went through to the shower cubicle as the coffee-machine gurgled its good morning. He padded back to the coffee-machine and sluiced down a quite superb cup of espresso. He padded back to the coffee-machine and sluiced down a quite superb cup of expresso. My sincerest condolences to any coffee aficionados who had to hear that. Moving onto Part Two, Chapter FOUR, Rimmer is trying to break the news of the crew’s impending evacuation of Red Dwarf to Holly, and as quickly as possible. Hardback / Paperback / Omnibus Eh?’ Rimmer repeated it a third time: ‘Planlisioncoursenginesdeadimpactwelvoursbandonshipsorrybye.’ Audiobook Eh?’ ‘Planlisioncoursenginesdeadimpactwelvoursbandonshipsorrybye.’ Rimmer’s urgency in getting his message to Holly without wasting all of his remaining runtime is so great here, that even the narrator isn’t going to risk interrupting him. As random omissions go, it’s not too objectionable. Most of the listeners won’t have lost track of how many times Rimmer has repeated his message, right? The next major change doesn’t come until Part Three, Chapter NINE, the chapter dedicated to GELF lore and how it ultimately ties into Garbage World. Hardback It was a short war. It lasted just six days. Six bloody days in which armchairs and vacuum cleaners fought side by side with bizarrely shaped genetically engineered sports stars and living, breathing motor cars. Paperback / Omnibus / Audiobook Armchairs and vacuum cleaners fought side by side with bizarrely shaped genetically engineered sports stars and living, breathing motor cars. This change is a no-brainer to me, because the idea of the Human/GELF war lasting less than a week isn’t set up at all, nor does it really add anything. With the updated paragraph, you can focus on the absurdity of one side of a war comprising living furniture and appliances, instead of wondering how a global rebellion of diverse and powerful mutant beings who are effectively all sleeper agents within people’s homes could be quashed so easily that the oppressors didn’t even need to cancel all their weekend plans. The final major change made for Better Than Life occurs slightly later in the very same chapter, as the polymorph is being described. Hardback A creature who could live anywhere. Even on Earth. A creature with a sixth sense – telepathy. Paperback / Omnibus / Audiobook A creature who could live anywhere. Even in the revolting conditions on Earth. A creature with a sixth sense – telepathy. Now this time, I actually prefer the original text. It’s already been well established in both the chapter and Part Three in general how inhospitable Earth had become. There’s no need at all to include a reminder here, and saying “Even on Earth” so matter of factly, as if everyone just knows that Earth is the go-to example of an unlivable place, feels very fitting with the general blasé attitude the human race of the 23rd century showed the planet. Last Human By Doug Naylor Versions Compared: Hardback (1995, Viking Books) – 1st Printing Paperback (1995, Penguin Books) – 3rd Printing The undisputed third Red Dwarf novel actually wasn’t subjected to many edits between in its initial hardback edition and its paperback edition later in the year. In fact, I could only find a grand total of one change. I guess that makes sense – why try and improve on perfection? Last Human’s change occurs in the first paragraph on the first page of the first chapter of the first part of the book (after the Prologue), when Lister is waking up ahead of his trial on Arranguu 12. Hardback Six million years later, in a dilapidated class three transport ship, the last human being in the cosmos lay in the same foetal position as his long dead sister, murmuring remarks in the gibberish of Deep Sleep, Paperback Six million years later, in a dilapidated class three transport ship, the last human being in the cosmos lay in the same foetal position as his long dead sister, murmuring remarks in the gibberish of deep sleep, In the hardback, it’s “Deep Sleep”; the upper case letters imply a proper noun, and mislead the reader into thinking the Deep Sleep units aboard Starbug are involved in this. In the paperback, it’s “deep sleep”, revealing that no, there’s no artificial slowing down of time itself going on here; Lister was just having a completely normal kip. The book is still trying to make you think the opening of Psirens might be happening, but it’s no longer actively lying to you to achieve that. So, I approve this change. Backwards By Rob Grant Versions Compared: Hardback (1996, Viking Books) – 1st Printing Paperback (1996, Penguin Books) – 1st Printing Last Human may not have been changed much, but there were a few more changes made for the paperback edition of Rob Grant’s Backwards, the undisputed third Red Dwarf novel. The first of these changes is actually eight changes for the price of one, and they all concern the amount of time the gang are stranded together on Backworld. These occur once in Chapter THIRTEEN of Part One, five times in Chapter ONE of Part Three, once in Chapter TWO of Part Three, and once in Chapter ONE of Part Four respectively. Hardback ‘Fuh … Fuh …’ Kryten thumped his head against the airlock door. ‘Twelve years.’ Paperback ‘Fuh … Fuh …’ Kryten thumped his head against the airlock door. ‘Ten years.’ If he wasn’t careful, he was going to spend the next twelve years squinting like Mr Magoo. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to spend the next ten years squinting like Mr Magoo. ‘Plan? I know the plan.’ The Cat spotted a small rock tumbling up the mountain’s face towards him. He reached out and caught it. ‘We sit here for the next twelve years sucking doody up through our buttocks.’ ‘Plan? I know the plan.’ The Cat spotted a small rock tumbling up the mountain’s face towards him. He reached out and caught it. ‘We sit here for the next decade sucking doody up through our buttocks.’ ‘Trapping, hunting and fishing. We’re living wild for the next twelve years.’ ‘Trapping, hunting and fishing. We’re living wild for the next ten years.’ ‘There’s plenty of positive stuff about this planet. Nobody dies here. Diseases actually make you feel better. Sure, sex isn’t quite as much fun this way round, and the toilet arrangements are a drag, but at least we know we’re going to be alive and healthy for the next twelve years, which is more than you can say for most universes.’ ‘There’s plenty of positive stuff about this planet. Nobody dies here. Diseases actually make you feel better. Sure, sex isn’t quite as much fun this way round, and the toilet arrangements are a drag, but at least we know we’re going to be alive and healthy for the next ten years, which is more than you can say for most universes.’ If the corrosion hadn’t vanished completely by the twelve-year deadline, they’d have to wait for the next flight window. If the corrosion hadn’t vanished completely by the ten-year deadline, they’d have to wait for the next flight window. Holly had got himself so steamed up about onion deprivation, he’d failed to notice that the crew had neglected to return on schedule. When he did notice, they were over a decade late. Holly had got himself so steamed up about onion deprivation, he’d failed to notice that the crew had neglected to return on schedule. When he did notice, they were almost a decade late. Perhaps Kryten would have found less to criticize in the book, if he’d spent less time reading it, but it was the only remaining book available to him, and so he had to ration the time he allotted to it. To date, he’d spent a little over forty-seven years ploughing through it. Perhaps Kryten would have found less to criticize in the book, if he’d spent less time reading it, but it was the only remaining book available to him, and so he had to ration the time he allotted to it. To date, he’d spent a little over forty-five years ploughing through it. Putting aside the general weirdness of Kryten needing to ration his book even during the 36 years he was on Red Dwarf, it seems either Grant or an editor got their wires seriously crossed somewhere, and thought that Lister was 27 at the beginning of the book, not 25. Oops. Perhaps they misremembered Lister’s stay on Garbage World as being 36 years instead of 34, and that therefore an extra 2 years were needed to bring him down to 15 years old. Regardless of how the mistake originated, thankfully they managed to fix it in time for the paperback. Next up, at the end of the most controversial chapter in the book, Chapter THREE of Part Three, a bombshell is dropped regarding The Cat’s harrowing sexual encounter with a local teenager. Hardback The fact was: unlike Cats, male humans do not have any special equipment to discourage premature post-coital withdrawal. Paperback The fact was: unlike Cats, male humans do not have any special equipment to stimulate ovulation in the female. I’m deeply sorry for reminding you all of this. Apparently it’s still very much up for debate which of these is actually true, or if both of them are. In fact, it’s sometimes attested that neither of them are true, and the feline penis spines are actually for stimulation of the male. Whatever the real truth of the matter is, “stimulating ovulation” is a significantly less disturbing ability to give to a fully sapient humanoid, even if said humanoid is currently trapped living his life backwards and arguably doesn’t have true free will anyway. So this was a good change, and probably the best change they could have made to this chapter, assuming that “just don’t include horrific vaginal trauma in your sci-fi comedy novel, what the fuck man” was off the table for some reason. Next, in Part Four, Chapter ONE, Rimmer is lamenting being stuck on Starbug, having lost Red Dwarf. Hardback So now, here he was; stranded on an ageing ore carrier that would have failed the Ministry of Space minimum safety requirements test on three hundred and seventy-nine separate counts, crewed by an animated toilet cleaner, a creature who could study and labour all his life and never achieve the mental classification ‘simple’, and a scum-bodied grinning moron with a chronological age of a hundred and forty-two, a physical age of fifteen and an emotional age of two and a half. Paperback So now, here he was; stranded on an ageing ore carrier that would have failed the Ministry of Space minimum safety requirements test on three hundred and seventy-nine separate counts, crewed by an animated toilet cleaner, a creature who could study and labour all his life and never achieve the mental classification ‘simple’, and a scum-bodied grinning moron with a chronological age of a hundred and seven, a physical age of fifteen and an emotional age of two and a half. I couldn’t possibly tell you where Grant got those extra 35 years from, as even the earlier mistakes in the hardback regarding chronology would have taken Lister up to age 111 at most, but needless to say this was a good fix. Finally, in Chapter THREE, Lister is refuting Rimmer’s insistence that he can’t be switched off in order to power up Holly, because he’s too essential a crewmember. Hardback ‘Rimmer,’ Lister squeaked, you’re not exactly John Glenn. The only space qualification you’ve got is a certificate entitling you to suck out the nozzles on a chicken soup machine. You failed your astronavigation exam thirteen times, for smeg’s sake.’ Paperback ‘Rimmer,’ Lister squeaked, you’re not exactly John Glenn. The only space qualification you’ve got is a certificate entitling you to suck out the nozzles on a chicken soup machine. You failed your astronavigation exam eleven times, for smeg’s sake.’ An absolutely heartbreaking edit. As previously discussed, Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers initially established that Rimmer had taken the astronavigation exam 11 times, then he took it again, then suddenly his count was at 13. So the correct number may not have been certain, but it was definitely either 12 or 13. You had it in your grasp, Rob, and you let it slip through your fingers! Such a shame. I suppose at the end of all this, the big question is: which version of each novel is the definitive, best version? I’ll let you be the judge. However, if you feel that the best version of Backwards is the hardback, when most of the paperback changes are just corrections to mistakes, I will assume you have some very strong opinions about cat genitalia. For the record, alternative titles considered for this article include: Novel Gazing, Stasis Tweaks, Klumpp Change, We Need To Talk About Kevin, Waiting For It To Come Out In Paperback.
This is excellent, Flap Jack! What an undertaking. Great to have such a definitive list of all the changes, especially after discussing them so much during the book club Dwarfcasts. Some of these edits are really interesting and news to me.
Thinking about Backwards, there was some discussion during the book club about an edit to the number of details that Ace notices in the video of dead-Ace that clue him into the fact that it’s an alternate (rather than future) version of himself. I presume from the article that these weren’t fixed in time for the first paperback, but maybe for a later edition?
Thank you, Dave! If there was a change to the number of details Ace spotted in the black box recording in Backwards, then I didn’t spot it. Sounds like it would be hard to miss during a direct comparison. Honestly, the idea of there being changes even between printings of the same edition is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night. 😅
Also, Waiting For It To Come Out In Paperback is a great title but Revisions Timetable is even better.
Also, Waiting For It To Come Out In Paperback is a great title but Revisions Timetable is even better. Ha, I didn’t realise the runner-up title options would end up in the article, but it’s good to know we agree on which was the most fitting.
“We Need To Talk About Kevin” is probably my favourite, even though it’s the least ‘clever’ in terms of word-fuckery
Thanks, and you’re welcome, folks! Apologies for QA-ing my own article, but I just need to point out that the first BTL excerpt looks weird in dark mode, like the background is way lighter than all the others, so it’s more difficult to read. Does anyone else use dark mode? Feels like it might just be me.
I used to use it on my phone, but some sites just don’t work well with it at all so I gave up. Ah, well I’m talking about the G&T-specific dark mode that you can configure in your profile settings. So, other sites are not an issue. Join me on the dark side, International Debris.
I mean, kudos for going through such a painstaking process to catalogue all of this, but you also managed to make it a really entertaining read. Take a bow, fellow dark mode user. (Should’ve called it ‘We Need to Talk About Kevin’, though.)
Oh, and I’m intrigued as to what the *second* “of two articles investigating the amendments to those sacred texts” is going to be.
This is absolutely superb work. I can’t believe you bothered to do this, I am very impressed. I’ve not read it all yet, I’ve got as far as the obscure symbols “obscure symbols that took me hours just to broadly identify and transcribe” If you have an iPhone, take a photo of the text and then highlight the text in the photo and copy it!
Thank you, guys! Luckily my curiosity about this was stronger than my short attention span. If you have an iPhone, take a photo of the text and then highlight the text in the photo and copy it! Sadly I don’t. I did try out some free Android apps that are meant to transcribe text in photos, but the symbols were too much for them.
Does anyone else use dark mode? Feels like it might just be me. I use it on both phone and computer, have done as long as I can remember. Always jarring when one of the annual logouts happens and everything goes white!
Thanks, and you’re welcome, folks! Apologies for QA-ing my own article, but I just need to point out that the first BTL excerpt looks weird in dark mode, like the background is way lighter than all the others, so it’s more difficult to read. Does anyone else use dark mode? Feels like it might just be me. I’m also a dark mode POWER USER, and I see no such issues. Could you drop me a screenshot of what you’re seeing?
Wasn’t the first/second/third technician flub addressed in the Last Human paperback, or am I misremembering?
Wasn’t the first/second/third technician flub addressed in the Last Human paperback, or am I misremembering? I remember hearing that somewhere too, but he’s still a Third Technician in my paperback. So if they did change that, they did it in the 4th or later printing. Presumably just to troll me specifically.
One thing that really rubbed me the wrong way was the changing of “your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors” from the TV series to “up against walls with astros” in the first novel. The original line is 1000x funnier so I was hoping this was a later edit, but nope. I guess every version of Infinity has the stupid “astros” line.
Loved this article! Great to hear some other voices on the site. With no disrespect at all to the holy trinity of Ian, Danny and Cappsy who do amazing work. Just as a note for any future revisions of this article… Reggie Dixon is not a fictional character. He was very much a real person who entertained the masses (well, some of them) with his beautiful organ music. His career heyday was during the 1930s, so it’s nice to know his legacy lives on in the 21st/22nd/23rd century
Thank you, Arn! For what it’s worth, I was aware of Reginald Dixon being real, but as I couldn’t easily find evidence that he was popularly known as “Reggie” at all, and that the TV series equivalent was called Reggie Wilson (pre Quarantine anyway), I decided his Red Dwarf incarnation still counted as fictionalisation.
Yeah fair point. I think the whole Dixon/Wilson thing does confuse things quite a bit. And I’m never sure whether Wilson was a deliberate attempt to make a fictionalised version of a real person or just that Rob and Doug got his name wrong.