First up, Robert Bathurst appears in a radio comedy, About A Dog, written by comedy legend Graeme Garden. Tune into Radio 4 at 6.30pm tonight for the first of the second series.

Secondly, James May from Top Gear takes us through various 'big ideas' that were invented in the 20th Century in, er, James May's 20th Century, which, naturally, revolve around engineering. Isn't this Massive Engines in a slightly different guise, though? Looks entertaining enough, but Chris Barrie would have done just as well. Still, the BBC's big names have to earn a living somehow, and James May is doing it on BBC Two at 8.00pm.

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In the spirit of diversification, I've decided to publish the bit of fanfic that I entered into the BTL competition some time ago. I don't know if it will be published in BTL, so I've decided to give it an airing here. You lucky people. It's been tweaked by Austin, so he should really have a co-author credit, although he may not thank me.

It's meant to provide background to Rimmer's one pre-death sexual encounter, and it's called 'Thanks for the Memory': enjoy!

Rimmer awoke to the sound of his beating heart.

Tonight was going to be the night. He could feel a tangible buzz of excitement, and an unusual feeling of euphoria pumped through his body. This was even better than when he was told that he could join the Space Corps, and the ecstasy of the thought that he could begin to build his career without the interference of his family. He got out of his bunk, blanking out the snoring of Lister, and stood to attention. An extra-special salute today, he thought, and almost dislocated his wrist with all the effort. Then he grabbed his 'Gagging4it' shower gel with his other hand, and made his way to the shower. Stepping into the water, he watched it trickle down his chest. "You stud," he thought.

* * *

Lister awoke to the sound of Rimmer humming maniacally. Through his groggy eyes, he could see Rimmer in the shower, the humming reaching alarmingly military proportions. He knew not to ask. He slid out of his bunk, scratching himself, and rubbed some deodorant under his arms. Shaking his head, he crept out of the room and started making his way to the club.

Walking through the entrance, he caught sight of Chen, Petersen and Selby, and Lister could tell from the amused expressions on their faces that he was in for a hard time.

"Guys! How are ya?" said Lister, hoping his joyful demeanour might deflect any teasing they were thinking of.

He was therefore disappointed when Chen grinned and replied: "Fantastic! We've just been setting up a sweepstake around how many officers have slept with Kristine!"

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