Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg

[John Hoare]

I kinda like it, Danny’s appalling performance as Cat (he’s good as Duane though) and the *appalling* Kochanski stuff aside. The rest of it is rather fun – a pleasingly bizarre clash between Dwarf and daytime TV, which I think is a fun idea.

GO.

Topic

[genericnerdyusername]

I remember liking it when it was first on TV, but I haven’t seen it since so it may have been the folly, or the wisdom, of youth.

[ChrisM]

I enjoyed it too. It was a bit of silliness and worked in that context.

I kinda liked how they ‘sort of’ roped it into the timeline though, so it could be something that legitimately happened in the Dwarf continuity (i.e. teleporting the chef up presumably using the Time-drive). That’s if you don’t take into account the third wall stuff where he remarks on his previous Dwarf role as a gelf of course. ;) And Cat changing to Dibbley for no apparent reason (good though the character was.)

Ok, it doesn’t really fit with the timeline at all.

It was fun though.

[TheLeen]

Definitely fun.

[Ian Symes]

so it could be something that legitimately happened in the Dwarf continuity

With Kochanski and Rimmer together on Starbug? Pah!

[Pete Part Three]

I wish I’d made some notes now. I’ll watch it again with a pad and paper.

Needs a Dwarfcast too.

[Turk Thrust]

Enjoyable enough in a throwaway way but not something I find myself wanting to watch again and not the sort of thing I’d be that keen for them to repeat.

Agree that the Kochanski stuff is awful but the rest could have been much worse than it eventually turned out.

[ChrisM]

>With Kochanski and Rimmer together on Starbug? Pah!

Um.

Yeah. Good point (it was the holo-rimmer wasn’t it?)

Never mind.

[John Hoare]

Needs a Dwarfcast too.

Most of the G&T crew will be living in London by January. Which means: lots more Dwarfcasts, hopefully.

[locusceruleus]

I loved it, honestly. I really did enjoy the hell out of it. I was about 15 when it was first on, and my girlfriend, who was also a nerd came around, and my parents were out of the house.

15 years old, cute nerdy girlfriend, parents out, liquor cabinet, Red Dwarf night.

Fuck it, I suppose I can’t be objective. But still, the show worked in its context. Anyone who hates it for being ‘silly’ is missing the point, and the set up is no more ridiculous than the Smeg Ups links. I’d love, love, LOVE them to do something similar when they start airing the new shows on Dave.

[hummingbird]

I like it. Great fun. And a bonus to have holo!Rimmer.
The continuity/timeline hardly matters. It’s just a bit of fun.

[Pete Part Three]

Well, work is a bit slow today so I gave it another watch and made some notes. Don’t read if you’re precious about this.

–Can’t Smeg, Won’t Smeg–

* Now, I’m loathe to do this considering the content of the other thread, but I can’t NOT discuss the title. Let’s ignore the fact that the word “smeg” isn’t inherently funny and has become a rather cruel stigma of being a Red Dwarf fan, and instead ask “What the hell does that title even mean?”. Yeah, I know, I’m analysing it too deeply. It’s supposed to be funny. Well, “Ready, Steady Smeg” is funnier and wouldn’t involve too much tweaking.

* The music. I’m going to let this slide. If it’s supposed to be as cheesy as the following 30 minutes, then it’s perfect. Cheesy doesn’t always equal good, though.

* Ainsley Harriot. No further discussion necessary.

* Ainsley’s first joke is about his Gelf costume. Apparently it was so hairy it was “as if Robin Williams’s back [?!] had mated with his old dinner lady”. I struggle to picture how that would even work hypothetically. It doesn’t matter! The audience laughed!

* Ainsley can’t pronounce “Groinal”, or maybe the autocue is going too slow.

* Robert arrives as Kryten. Sadly, it’s the Mr Wacky Robot of the later series.

* According to Kryters, Lister can only taste food that registers on the richter scale. I struggle to picture how that would even work hypothetically. It doesn’t matter! The audience laughed!

* Craig arrives as Lister. His dreadlocks are literally taped on to his head. Where’s a deerstalker when you need one?

* Lister has mistaken Ainsley Harriot for James Herriot. It could happen, aside from the fact that not even one of the names is the same. The joke is milked until it turns to cheese.

* Kryten calls Ainsley “Mr AH”. This contrives a joke about AH standing for “arse hole”. Robert’s delivery is mildly amusing. Ainsley cuts Kryten’s groinal atachment in half which seems like a bit of an over-reaction.

* Chris arrives. The joke about James Herriot is repeated. The cheese starts to grate. DYSWIDT.

* Danny arrives as the Cat. I don’t want to talk about this bit.

* Chloe arrives. She does her posh girl thang from VII. There’s a joke about her bottom looking like an American’s. Obvious and unfunny.

* Kochanski hits Lister with a frying pan, momentarily forgetting that this is supposed to be a Red Dwarf special, and not a Shooting Stars special.

* The Cat and Rimmer do some shtick which is vaguely reminiscent of DNA. This is, strangely, a plus point.

* Fortunately (AND I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS), the Cat is replaced by Duane Dibbley. Danny’s performance from here on in reminds me of Andrew Sachs in Fawlty Towers. This isn’t a bad thing.

* The Dwarfers produce their shopping list. This isn’t too bad, aside from a contrived joke about Ainsley being bald.

* It’s at this point the show becomes a case of 6 people just showing off and failing to be funny rather than actually performing. To be fair, this part is presumably mostly improvised as the cooking has begun.

* Everyone has to do a shakey shakey thing. I think this is what Arse Hole does normally, so I’ll excuse it. It’s still pretty embarrassing though.

* Danny sure can dice an oinion!

* Ainsley does a joke about tossing. Do you see?

* Kryten uses his hoover attachment on Lister. This bit made me smile.

* Craig throws a chicken slice at AH. This bit made me laugh.

* Chloe tries to look involved by watching.

* Craig starts eating the sauce. This bit made me smile. It’s a bit desperate, but it’s funny.

* More jiggling about. Chris’s performance really is a bit bland in this.

* Chloe makes a joke about salmonella. Not even the excitable studio audience laughs.

* Craig eats more ingredients. It’s getting a bit old now.

* Duane can’t stop dicing cucumbers. This is quite funny.

* “Ainsley genuinely doesn’t know that Danny has switched the rice”. Ainsley’s a bit dim then, isn’t he?

* I laughed at the bit with Kryten hitting Lister on the head with a yoghurt pot when I saw this last. I’m paying more attention now and it looks horrendously rehearsed.

* The big joke towards the end is to make the meals look as awful as possible. I’m not sure why this is so funny to the studio audience but I’m a miserable bugger.

* Ainsley offers Kochanski the blindfold. Kochanski replies that she’d rather eat the blindfold. This is the funniest line in the whole thing.

* Kochanski nibbles some and then feels the urge for an upchuck. Exact same CGI shot from Tikka to Ride (I think) as Duane says something about a “broccoli tree”. It didn’t sound particularly funny so I didn’t bother rewinding.

And that’s it.

[TheLeen]

Okay okay.

But I’m still… endeared.

[Ian Symes]

Excellent, Pete.

My opinion on CSWS: scripted bits shite, improvised bits great.

[hummingbird]

Pete – absolutely spot on.

I still enjoy it, though.

[Andrew]

> The music. I?m going to let this slide. If it?s supposed to be as cheesy as the following 30 minutes, then it?s perfect. Cheesy doesn?t always equal good, though.

But it IS the Can’t Cook theme tune…

[Pete Part Three]

It is? Oh, that makes it OK…

You’ve got to appreciate the logic behind this show. You watch and enjoy Red Dwarf? You must watch and enjoy Cant Cook, Won’t Cook as well! Let’s do a mix of the two!

[Andrew]

Jesus Pete, I was just saying it was basically appropriate given the format!

[Zombie Jim Undead]

> Excellent, Pete.

My opinion on CSWS: scripted bits shite, improvised bits great.

This.

[Pete Part Three]

>Jesus Pete, I was just saying it was basically appropriate given the format!

And I replied that it was OK. ;-) (I realise that it’s impossible to put tone across on the interweb but if you can imagine it being bemused, with a smile). It’s bloody awful music but it’s now understandably bloody awful music!

EDIT : Forgot to say, that, as you probably gathered from the list above, there were some bits I did enjoy. It isn’t a complete disaster but I won’t be watching it again in a hurry.

[James]

Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg is and was what I expected when I saw it. The only reason it took place was AH was in a Gelf costume, but was it? Millions watch cookery shows every week, far more than Red Dwarf at it’s peek, so wasn’t the consept itself very clever?

I agree it’s day time television with a few gags thrown in, but how else would you do it? I mean where the hell was “I’m going to microwave your head scene!” Where was the sharmi kabab shaped like Craig’s cock?

Or have we forgotten this was directed at 12-15 year olds, the writing was suited to that age group, and the old granny that turned on expecting to see the real show, yes it happened.

Again, it’s easy to analise it word for word, can you really only do this for a comedy show? I hated it when he picked up that spoon, it was totally wrong!

I’m not defending it, nor I’m I having a go at Pete’s analitical gag reel, but I think there are other aspects to think about before you can dismiss, and no I’m not saying it was written this way to suit a certain viewer, and therefore expect lameness. If it was full of expletives another group would have loved it.

I think it was the best it could have been under the limitations of the above.

[ChrisM]

Was it shown at the same time as the usual Can’t cook won’t cook? I thought it was later (i.e not intended to be a legitimate episode of the show, just a gag as part of the RD night.)

That doesn’t make the point you (James) make less invalid though. The kind of humor fits with the audience of that show. As I said above, it was silly but I liked it. (Maybe that should be silly AND I liked it, as ‘silly’ isn’t always negative. Not in this case.)

[Zombie Jim Undead]

> Or have we forgotten this was directed at 12-15 year olds

Just curious…what makes you think that?

[Pete Part Three]

I’m at risk of ranting again, James. I apologise, but I found your comments a little “interesting”. I don’t mind you saying you like this (as I say, I don’t find it completely awful) but defending it by saying “Well, it was going to be a bit lame because it was aimed at teenagers?” is just incorrect and missing the point.

>Or have we forgotten this was directed at 12-15 year olds,

Why do you believe this is the intention? (And, incidentally, I wasn’t much older than than that when it was shown and still found it lacking)

>and the old granny that turned on expecting to see the real show, yes it happened.

I’m not sure it’s a good thing or a bad thing that a little old lady turned on the TV at 9pm on a Saturday night, saw a problem called “Can’t Smeg, Won’t Smeg” and thought “This is that thing I watch at 5pm on a Weekday”.

>Millions watch cookery shows every week, far more than Red Dwarf at it?s peek, so wasn?t the consept itself very clever?

I wouldn’t say “clever”, I would say it’s a bit of wild assumption that people who like Red Dwarf will like a cookery based spin-off, just on the back of the fact that plenty of people like cookery shows.

More people like sci-fi than Hollyoakes, that doesn’t mean there should be weird hybrid of the two. (Actually, I take that back…:-))

There was talk of Red Dwarf meeting the Daleks, which I guess would have replaced CSWS. That idea certainly makes sense considering that the show was intended for sci-fi fans. Alas, it didn’t happen for circumstances beyond their control.

Anyway, off the top of my head:

* Top Smeg. Jeremy Clarkson roadtests the Red Dwarf vehicles.
* What Not to Smeg. Trinny and Susannah give the crew make-overs.
* Smegheads. CJ and the gang take on AJ and the boys.

[Sorry. That bit was purely so I could do that appalling pun on Eggheads. There wasn’t really a point to it]

Mixing two shows is an interesting idea, and is fine for a light-hearted anniversary thing (although if you’re going to get the cast in costume do you really need someone else stealing the limelight?). But “light-hearted anniversary thing” shouldn’t automatically mean “cobble something together, throw in some jokes and the fans will lap it up”.

But, to be honest, my main problem with this programme is not the format. It’s the script. The jokes are just…bad.

[Ian Symes]

I would like to propose a new law.

“The higher the word count of James’s post, the less comprehensible it is.”

[James]

>Just curious?what makes you think that?

The whole of Red Dwarf is directed at that age group! Why shouldn’t a spin off be the same?

I think my point was you have to make exceptions for the target age group, the format (you can’t do cookery comedy justice).

Maybe we as fan based group shouldn’t have to make exceptions for anything that has been produced, that would be the flaw in my post.

Like I said it was what I expected to see, so i wasn’t dissapointed when I saw it, on the other hand watching it years later in a discriptive manner every joke seems bad, but at the time, that particular night, I’m sure millions loved it for what it was, not what it wasn’t.

Again this is my point, I’m giving the general public view, not my personal view, but an opposite view to yours.

[Dave]

The higher, the fewer

[James]

>The higher the word count of James?s post, the less comprehensible it is.?

I have to, I have to do something to keep up with the competition.

[Pete Part Three]

>The whole of Red Dwarf is directed at that age group!

*Ducks*

[Andrew]

Not to drag this out, but Red Dwarf is absolutely not targeted at an audience of 12-15 year olds specifically.

[Zombie Jim Undead]

> The whole of Red Dwarf is directed at that age group! Why shouldn?t a spin off be the same?

*splutter* …WHA..?

[James]

Aha so it’s directed at the 34 year old that dripples on about how bad it is, while his mum is getting his tea ready?

[Jonathan Capps]

> Aha so it?s directed at the 34 year old that dripples on about how bad it is, while his mum is getting his tea ready?

If only there was some middle ground between 15 and 35…

[Phil]

>Aha so it?s directed at the 34 year old that dripples on about how bad it is, while his mum is getting his tea ready?

I always wondered what the other demographic was. There are only two, right? 12-15 year olds, and 34 year olds who need invented verbs to describe what they’re doing?

[Jonathan Capps]

> I always wondered what the other demographic was. There are only two, right? 12-15 year olds, and 34 year olds who need invented verbs to describe what they?re doing?

I beat yo’ ass.

[Pete Part Three]

James, I’d slightly concerned that you have this opinion because:

a) You’re not aged between 12-15
b) You appear to work for the fan club and hold this opinion.
c) You have the audacity to call me controversial for saying that I don’t like 2 of the series.

Perhaps we should all just grow up and move on.

[Ian Symes]

Aha so it?s directed at the 34 year old that dripples on about how bad it is, while his mum is getting his tea ready?

The chairman of the Official Red Dwarf Fan Club, there.

[Phil]

Fucking faster typing Cappsy. You shit.

>I think my point was you have to make exceptions for […] the format (you can?t do cookery comedy justice).

The fact that you can’t do a certain type of comedy justice does not warrant an excuse! It’s probably pretty hard to do a comedy where all of the characters are strapped to the floor with tape over their mouths and it’s too dark to see anything they’re doing. But that doesn’t mean that someone who decides to do it gets by because it’s difficult to do that kind of comedy justice!

I think Pete is being slightly harsh, but only slightly. A few gags are groan-worthy, no question, but the improv stuff more than makes up for it, in my eyes.

[James]

Well I hold my hands up, I’m totally wrong, my mistake. I do wonder then if it’s not specific to “any” age group then why have it as overall 12 and 1 15 certificate? Wouldn’t it have worked better with swear words? As many shows at that time used, or was it directed at any age group, because this would create more sales?

[Ian Symes]

James confusing BBFC classifications with target demographics, there. The number on the front of the DVD doesn’t refer to who it’s aimed at. Hope this helps.

[Pete Part Three]

>James confusing BBFC classifications with target demographics, there. The number on the front of the DVD doesn?t refer to who it?s aimed at. Hope this helps.

I’m LOLing as I type this.

[Dave]

Dripples?

Dribbly nipples?

[James]

James confusing BBFC classifications with target demographics, there. The number on the front of the DVD doesn?t refer to who it?s aimed at. Hope this helps.

Yes it does, thanks Ian.

[Dave]

>The number on the front of the DVD doesn?t refer to who it?s aimed at

IV?

[Ian Symes]

Yes it does, thanks Ian.

So, nothing at all is aimed at anyone older than 18?

[hummingbird]

>James confusing BBFC classifications with target demographics, there. The number on the front of the DVD doesn?t refer to who it?s aimed at. Hope this helps.

>Yes it does, thanks Ian.

Er, no. It tells you who it’s *not* aimed at, i.e. a 12 is *not* aimed at people under 12. Duh.

[Andrew]

Wow, this got outta hand fast…

> Yes it does, thanks Ian.

Sorry, James, but it really doesn’t – and I suspect you know that and that a lot of this thread can be put down to the escalating wind-up factor!

The certificates are about certification, suitability, and only that. If the BBFC categories were about target audience, why would Shadowlands be a U? It’s not intended for small children. If the certs gave you the audience intended, no film could ever be described as being intended for older adults. Again Shadowlands is a good example – that wasn’t made for 18-24 year olds any more than it was made for infants.

Filmmakers may adjust their movies to get the widest cert possible – cut the headbuts, gain the 12-14 year-olds – but even that doesn’t apply here, to a show that was made for broadcast TV. It may be a cusp-of-watershed show (some shown before, some after), but that proves little about intent.

[Andrew]

>Yes it does, thanks Ian.

I’ve just realised – I totally mis-read this line. You meant “Yes it does help” rather than “Yes it does refer to the demographic”, I suspect…

Sorry James.

[Ian Symes]

Oh yeah.

But still.

[hummingbird]

>I?ve just realised – I totally mis-read this line. You meant ?Yes it does help? rather than ?Yes it does refer to the demographic?, I suspect?

Oops, me too. Apologies.

[Jonathan Capps]

Demographics can go fuck themselves, anyway. Especially when you’re splitting up adults into arbitrary groups.

[Author]

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