Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Did Kochanski ever find out whether the Time Wand can do boob jobs?

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  • #227318
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    Discuss this important question.

    #227319
    flanl3
    Participant

    PETE PART EIGHT

    Pete steps on the crushed remains of the time wand, accidentally activating it and giving Kochanski a boob job. Unfortunately, this boob job has made each of her boobs as large as her. Of which there are now eight, by the way. Can she get her old self back, and does she even want to?

    #227322
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    It could only make her tits younger or older, so sort of.

    Next question please.

    #227325
    Dave
    Participant

    RACK IN THE BED

    #227327
    Warbodog
    Member

    Did Captain Hollister ever follow through on his threat to bust the coffee machine’s ass down to tampon dispenser?

    Did Kochanski use this dispenser when she was famously on her period, in a nice bit of bookending to the series?

    #227328

    He did, and then the machine realised that its life was actually a lot more worthwhile dispensing hygiene and comfort aids to menstruating women rather than fuelling the ship’s caffeine addiction.

    #227329
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    “Famously on her period” hahahaha. I love how that’s basically an accurate statement

    #227330
    bloodteller
    Participant

    given the timewand can turn men into gorillas(why does it do that?) i think it’s safe to say it can do boob jobs and various other things. how useful

    #227333
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    Assuming it can do boob jobs, can it also do penis enlargement?

    #227334
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    It’s probably all the the DNA somewhere. Probably.

    It could maybe give your a gorilla cock, which might be bigger. I don’t think you’d want gorilla tits, though

    #227335
    GlenTokyo
    Participant

    A gorilla penis would only be bigger if your penis is less than 2 inches. Human penises are some of the largest of the primate wangs.

    The time wand can make it so that a person born in the 22nd century can revert to a time when they inexplicably wore clothes and styled themselves as though they were in the late 20th, so who knows.

    Maybe Kochanski can revert her chest to a time when she had a boob job, despite never having one.

    Or just send her boobs back in time so they’re as pert as possible which is probably what she meant, though as a 27 year old woman at the time, the joke was probably a bit early from Doug.

    #227336
    Hamish
    Participant

    Actually humans have by far the largest cock of all the great Apes.

    Why the fuck do I know this?

    #227337
    Hamish
    Participant

    How did we both know this GlenTokyo?

    #227338
    Dave
    Participant

    COCK TO REALITY

    #227339
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    BETTER THAN COCK

    #227340
    bloodteller
    Participant

    THANKS FOR THE COCK

    #227341
    bloodteller
    Participant

    honestly i wouldn’t risk getting a boob job from the time wand myself, given that according to lister it can “turn you into anything” (how?) so you might just end up turning into a giant pair of tits or something equally as morbid

    #227342
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    >Or just send her boobs back in time so they’re as pert as possible which is probably what she meant, though as a 27 year old woman at the time, the joke was probably a bit early from Doug.

    To be fair, Chloe does say that she is thinking about the future.

    #227343
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    Double post, but I wonder how that situation would play out in an episode if she actually decided to use the Time Wand for a boob job?

    #227344
    bloodteller
    Participant

    then it’d have been the sixth episode in a row where kochanski is just used as a sex object

    #227345
    Dave
    Participant

    THANKS FOR THE MAMMARY

    #227346
    GlenTokyo
    Participant

    >To be fair, Chloe does say that she is thinking about the future.

    Good point. I apologise Douglas.

    #227348
    Ian Symes
    Keymaster

    If you’re going to revert your boobs to the time in your life when they were at their physical best, you might as well do the same to the rest of your body too. Sticking to the breasts shows a paucity of ambition.

    #227349
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    Could it revert your brain as well, making you forget everything that happened since you were actually that age?

    #227350
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    Also, who would carry out the boob job? Would it be Kryten? Lister? Kochanski herself?

    #227351
    Hamish
    Participant

    > If you’re going to revert your boobs to the time in your life when they were at their physical best, you might as well do the same to the rest of your body too. Sticking to the breasts shows a paucity of ambition.

    How great is that! I can go back to last Thursday!

    #227352
    flanl3
    Participant

    I mean, supposedly you could just target the chest area and send it forward through evolution a good number of years and we could assume that tits evolve in the direction of increasing size.

    #227355
    Lily
    Participant

    >Also, who would carry out the boob job? Would it be Kryten? Lister? Kochanski herself?

    If I was relying on someone to program that thing to selectively turn my boobs back to their 18 year old selves, I sure as hell wouldn’t give it to Lister.

    #227356

    To be fair, Chloe does say that she is thinking about the future.

    Yes, but that was off the record.
    Intriguingly, Kochanski was given the same line in the episode.

    #227357
    By Jove its holmes
    Participant

    Yeah, that’s right about Lister. Although there is a breast spectrum between “A-cup” and back pain.

    #227358
    peas_and_corn
    Participant

    What if the Time Wand makes her pregnant with baby Lister?

    #227359
    Plastic Percy
    Participant

    How come the Time Wand never de-aged her so she looked like Clare Grogan?

    #227360
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    It’s kind of funny that Lister had the ability to go anywhere in time and space, but only used it to look for curry, and in this episode Kryten gained the ability to bend reality to his will, and his first thought was “Ooh, we could skip to the end of our prison sentence!”. Where’s the AMBITION?

    Also, this isn’t strictly on topic, but I just reminded myself that Pete opens with Ackerman having been drugged with ~truth serum~. The actual hell?!

    #227362

    “Shall we use the truth serum to find out whether the crew were really wiped out and recreated by nanobots?”
    “No, let’s put them in an alternate reality within another alternate reality that they don’t know they’re in and watch them for a couple of days”

    #227366
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    Using immense godlike powers to do relatively mundane stuff is absolutely Kryten, though. See: White Hole

    #227367
    By Jove its holmes
    Participant

    “How come the Time Wand never de-aged her so she looked like Clare Grogan?”

    if Chloe was 25 when filming VII, i wonder how old you wanted Clare Grogan to be…

    #227369
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    The difference is that White Hole would play that mundanity for a joke, Pete… doesn’t.

    This basically encompasses two of the biggest problems with Series VIII for me – the high concentration of magic-level sci-fi concepts, and the relegation of the “3 million years into deep space” setting to an unimportant background detail.

    #227371
    bloodteller
    Participant

    >Also, who would carry out the boob job? Would it be Kryten? Lister? Kochanski herself?

    i mean personally if i were using the timewand for a boob job, i’d do it myself. kryten is so bad at using it that he turns a sparrow into a dinosaur, and i suppose lister’s skills with it are unknown but since it’s VIII he’d probably do something stupid with it.

    no wonder rimmer was so insistent it was destroyed at the end of the episode, he was probably sick of everyone’s shit by then

    #227374
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    I’d say being three million years into deep space is a bit of a background detail for quite a lot of episodes in more than just VIII. At least it’s made somewhat of a do out of in Back in the Red.

    #227375
    NoFro
    Participant

    Do you think it does roob jabs?

    #227376
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    I’d say being three million years into deep space is a bit of a background detail for quite a lot of episodes in more than just VIII. At least it’s made somewhat of a do out of in Back in the Red.

    Well, when I say “background detail” I don’t mean that it’s irrelevant to the plot, I mean that it’s irrelevant to everything, to the point where (after Back in the Red) everyone just behaves as if it’s 3 million years ago and the radiation leak never happened – anachronistic presence of The Cat and Kryten aside. It feels more like a time travel or “What if… ?” alternate premise for the series than it does a “The crew have come back to life – what do we now?” story:

    – The entire crew just go back to their old jobs with absolutely nobody questioning or disrupting the old schedules or hierarchy, despite being millions of years past any of it having a point.

    – There’s no reflection on the fact the crew of Red Dwarf have the new burden of planning the survival of the entire human race (or not).

    – The fact that there must be 2 Kochanskis is never brought up.

    – Nobody worries about what the ship’s living crew growing from 3 to over 1000 will do for everyone’s long term survival prospects, considering the requirements for food, water, oxygen etc.

    Obviously I never would have expected them to dwell on all of these depressing details, but the utter lack of any acknowledgement is such a wasted opportunity, and ultimately it just doesn’t feel like Red Dwarf.

    However, I do kind of like the bit in Back in the Red Part 3 where they lead you into thinking they’re pivoting back to a Starbug-based “Series 7 + alive Rimmer” status quo, and then go “lol nope, fuck you, this resurrected crew setting is really happening, deal with it”. For all of Series 8’s faults, it’s not short on chutzpah.

    #227377
    Dave
    Participant

    Why would there be two Kochanskis? The nanobots are intelligent, they know there’s already a living Kochanski so they don’t need to create a new one.

    #227380
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    -bananas.

    #227382
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    So the nanobots decided that because a version of Kochanski had by chance been brought over from a parallel universe, that Kochanski-Prime was the sole crew member who deserved to stay dead? How arbitrarily cruel of them.

    Although, I always assumed the crew resurrection was a mistaken overcorrection on their part, that they just indiscriminately reconstructed everything without realising the crew weren’t there before…

    #227383
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    >So the nanobots decided that because a version of Kochanski had by chance been brought over from a parallel universe, that Kochanski-Prime was the sole crew member who deserved to stay dead? How arbitrarily cruel of them.

    And yet decided to rebuild Red Dwarf to its original design specifications, before the JMC made all its cutbacks.

    #227384
    bloodteller
    Participant

    >Although, I always assumed the crew resurrection was a mistaken overcorrection on their part, that they just indiscriminately reconstructed everything without realising the crew weren’t there before…

    but it’s established in Back In The Red Part 3 that the crew were only brought back because Holly made a second set of nanobots so they could resurrect the ship’s crew to “keep Dave sane”.

    #227386
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    but it’s established in Back In The Red Part 3 that the crew were only brought back because Holly made a second set of nanobots so they could resurrect the ship’s crew to “keep Dave sane”.

    WHAT.

    Please don’t motivate me to rewatch Back in the Red…

    I do like the idea that Holly would bring the entire crew back to life as a secondary task for keeping Lister sane, and not as a prime directive.

    In any case, Kochanski-1 should definitely be there. No real reason for either Holly or the nanobots to exclude her from the necromancy.

    #227388
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Why did the Nanobots make another Holly if Holly was the one who programmed-

    oh fuck this shit

    #227389
    GlenTokyo
    Participant

    No Kochanski or not. None of the crew should have been able to be reconstructed because nanobots need the material to make the crew surely? The material which was put in the kilner jars and flushed into space 10 years previous. Unless they made it them from another source, which would mean something would be missing elsewhere.

    When they made Lister’s arm they used leftover material, bits of bone the skin from the flap, and I assume stole bits from here and there. Bit of bum cheek for the bicep etc. They don’t just magic it up.

    #227390
    flanl3
    Participant

    Holly was part of the ship’s original design specifications, not a life form that needed to be excluded from bringing everybody back to life, so that was the first set of nanobots that brought him back, not the second.

    Also,Kochanski not being brought back is about as justifiable as Lister not being brought back.

    #227391
    flanl3
    Participant

    The VIII Dwarf doesn’t have a giant-ass rock in the side of it, right?

    #227392
    GlenTokyo
    Participant

    Two.

    Not that giant though.

    The original rock looked like the entire lower half of the ship was built into it. The new rocks were smaller and obviously in bays.

    #227393
    Dave
    Participant

    The bays for the rocks were one of the few elements of the pencil-ship that I found quite interesting, as they made sense for a mining ship. The old version just looks like it’s had an asteroid crash into it at some point. Which is admittedly part of the appeal, but still the bays were an interesting idea.

    #227394
    GlenTokyo
    Participant

    My head canon is that the rock was found first and the ship built into it. The rock is mined out and provides the material for the hull while making the lift shafts and corridors for the bottom half.

    Depending on the mass of the rock too, it would also explain how Red Dwarf has gravity without the need for bullshit “grav plating”. Dwarf doesn’t seem to need to sustain artificial gravity, in White Hole it isn’t effected by the power issues, it would make sense if it had actual gravity.

    #227398
    Dave
    Participant

    I like that explanation. All of it.

    #227399
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    I kinda wish they’d done more Cat, Kryten, Holly and Kochanski missions, though.

    #227400
    flanl3
    Participant

    What about the fact that plenty of landing bays are not oriented correctly for this?

    #227401
    flanl3
    Participant

    What if the original asteroid was actually a collision, then the nanobots got the extra material from that?

    #227402
    GlenTokyo
    Participant

    What landing bays are shown to be upside down?

    Don’t remember ever seeing them land on the ceiling.

    #227403

    Obviously I never would have expected them to dwell on all of these depressing details, but the utter lack of any acknowledgement is such a wasted opportunity, and ultimately it just doesn’t feel like Red Dwarf.

    Yes, the options of ‘dealing with the crew being back’ or ‘Lister has to cope with going back to normal life after his adventures’ are FAR more interesting than ‘they’re in a comedy prison’. Admittedly both scenarios would probably end up a bit closer to VII than Doug wanted at the time, but they’re ones from which a lot of fascinating character stuff could be grasped. Lister can’t be promoted because he’s still a bum, but his services get called on by the Captain when something unusual happens. How does he cope with this? Does he end up resenting being used? Rimmer battles between his original dislike of Lister and a new-found respect after hearing of the five years of space exploration, whilst getting jealous of the secret missions Lister is going on. Maybe Cat and Kryten are kept in isolation and wheeled out to sort out weird space problems with Lister, the way Teal’c is kept on-base in SG-1. Kochanski struggles to fit in with a crew who are similar, but not identical, to the ones she knew in her dimension. Still nobody mentions why she is no longer Clare Grogan. There’s SO much potential. Instead we got prison basketball with erections.

    #227404
    Dave
    Participant

    Either way, I think I’d still rather the crew stayed dead though. The basic concept of the show in the I-VII years is much better than pretty much any angle you can find on the VIII version.

    #227405
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    No Kochanski or not. None of the crew should have been able to be reconstructed because nanobots need the material to make the crew surely? The material which was put in the kilner jars and flushed into space 10 years previous. Unless they made it them from another source, which would mean something would be missing elsewhere.

    As that happened in a deleted scene, I’m willing to accept that canonically the urns were not fired into space, and were stored somewhere on the ship instead, which is why the nanobots were able to resurrect them.

    Wait… that’s it! What if Lister held full funerals for just Kochanski and Petersen, and shot their ashes into space, but never got round to doing anyone else, and that’s why they didn’t get resurrected? OK, this is definitely my headcanon now.

    But unfortunately this doesn’t resolve the broader problem with the lack of a second Kochanski – that Kochanski’s parallel universe origins are not referenced or acknowledged once in the whole of Series 8 despite being a crucial part of her character in Series 7 – or the broader problem with the nanobots – that they’re so powerful that they completely trivialize the concept of death or serious harm in Red Dwarf.

    Also,Kochanski not being brought back is about as justifiable as Lister not being brought back.

    … no it isn’t?

    #227406
    Dave
    Participant

    I thought Petersen did get resurrected, but we just didn’t see him. They mention him being drunk when they first apprehend the crew of the crashed Starbug, don’t they?

    #227410
    bloodteller
    Participant

    petersen sends lister his guitar in Krytie TV, too.

    meanwhile todhunter ceases to exist completely.

    #227413
    Dave
    Participant

    Did George McIntyre get resurrected too?

    #227416
    Hamish
    Participant

    And Petersen sends Lister his guitar in the good bit of Krytie TV.

    #227417
    Hamish
    Participant

    Well, that serves me for not pressing the reload button…

    #227418
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    Ah, OK, let’s revise that to just Kochanski then.

    #227420
    flanl3
    Participant

    In the universe where Red Dwarf is currently happening, hasn’t Kochanski always looked like Chloe Annett?

    #227421
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    Yes – so the time wand briefly turning Kochanski into Clare Grogan would have been a fun cameo, but it wouldn’t have made a lot of sense (and the resurrected Kochanski-Prime would have been a second Chloe, not a Clare).

    What would have been a cool way to do something similar is if the Holly they found on the planetoid was Hattie, but the one on the rebuilt Red Dwarf was Norman. I know Holly can change their appearance, voice and pronouns at will, but at least this would have provided a reason – and be a better way of distinguishing them than the whole conehead thing!

    OK, OK, Norman would never agree to be the lesser Holly, so here’s a compromise: Both Hollys are Norman, but Planetoid Watch Holly has the Series 2 look, and Loyal to Hollister Holly has the Series 1 video filter applied.

    #227422
    bloodteller
    Participant

    not entirely on topic, but am i the only one who actually likes the “boob jobs” gag in Pete? i always found it sort of funny because it’s using such a powerful piece of technology for something so normal.

    the version on the smeg ups where chloe accidentally says “blow jobs” and danny runs to the front saying “there would’ve been a long queue!” is still funnier though

    #227423
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    How would the Time Wand doing blow jobs work? Would it revert your penis back to a time when you were getting blown? How can I get one? A time wand, I mean.

    #227424
    Lily
    Participant

    >I thought Petersen did get resurrected, but we just didn’t see him. They mention him being drunk when they first apprehend the crew of the crashed Starbug, don’t they?

    Yup. I always figured Mark Williams was too busy dying his hair ginger to have time for RD.

    #227425
    Lily
    Participant

    Bugger. Should have refreshed.

    #227428
    Dave
    Participant

    Yup. I always figured Mark Williams was too busy dying his hair ginger to have time for RD.

    “You ain’t seen me, right?”

    #227429
    bloodteller
    Participant

    what even is the time wand, anyway? at least they explained in Cassandra where cassandra came from and what the ship was doing out there, but no explanation is ever given for why there’s a completely abandoned ship with nothing but a time wand onboard.

    #227430
    bloodteller
    Participant

    it feels like a wasted opportunity because they could’ve easily made a good half-hour episode that’s just about the Canaries finding the time wand and actually doing stuff with it that makes sense, as well as at least explaining what happened to the crew of the derelict. (maybe they turned themselves into sperms with the thing?)

    but instead it’s just one scene in an episode that’s mostly about shit pranks and basketball, in which Holly comes out of fucking nowhere to do QPR jokes. and Rimmer and Lister aren’t even present when they find the timewand, which surely negates the whole point of having the Canaries- to get all 5 main characters together in one place.

    #227432
    Lily
    Participant

    >it feels like a wasted opportunity

    You just described the whole of series VIII

    #227434
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    There’s a happier universe out there where instead of making Pete a 2-parter, they made one episode entirely focused on the time wand as a concept, and shoved all of the leftover nonsense like Kryten’s Remote Robotic Phallus, basketball competitions, and potato peeling into a different episode.

    #227435

    Yes – so the time wand briefly turning Kochanski into Clare Grogan would have been a fun cameo, but it wouldn’t have made a lot of sense

    Would have fit in just fine then.

    #227443

    > Although, I always assumed the crew resurrection was a mistaken overcorrection on their part, that they just indiscriminately reconstructed everything without realising the crew weren’t there before…

    There was a missed opportunity to see a horribly oversized and disfigured crew shrinking down to the correct size and proportions along with the ship

    #227447
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    Sometimes I think it might be fun to sit down and try to write a version of VIII that works – same basic premise, but stronger plots and better gags.

    Then I remember I’m still up to my RTD’s 4 writing that reboot pilot script that’s for exactly zero people other than myself, and I pass.

    #227450
    bloodteller
    Participant

    >Assuming it can do boob jobs, can it also do penis enlargement?

    no the penis enlargement is done by “Boing! The Virility Enhancement Drug” which according to Pete Part 1 somehow makes hollister’s cock so big and thick that it can stop lift doors from closing

    #227451
    bloodteller
    Participant

    surely someone sticking their penis in a lift door would just horrifically crush the penis and it’d be all nasty and destroyed?

    #227452
    Lily
    Participant

    >surely someone sticking their penis in a lift door would just horrifically crush the penis and it’d be all nasty and destroyed?

    Don’t most lift doors have those sensors that open them again if there’s any resistance? Although I’ll admit I’m not sure I’d offer up anyone’s penis in the name of testing the minimum amount of resistance required to trigger that sensor.

    #227453
    bloodteller
    Participant

    maybe this is one best left to the Mythbusters

    #227455
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    His dick was incredibly hard though, so it had the power to stop doors. Hollister must canonically have a truly enormous rod if his testimony is to be believed

    #227456
    flanl3
    Participant

    Or he was taking a truly tiny lift or it’s secretly also a fat joke.

    Most lifts wouldn’t close though, that’s how people hold them open.

    #227459
    Dave
    Participant

    Most lifts wouldn’t close though, that’s how people hold them open.

    With their penis?

    #227462
    Lily
    Participant

    >Or he was taking a truly tiny lift or it’s secretly also a fat joke.

    See this is where the whole setup for the joke didn’t even make sense to me. Considering most fat jokes are more along the lines of “he’s so fat he’s not seen his willy in years”, when I first heard the line I didn’t laugh, as I was thinking … what, so his penis is of such equine proportions that it sticks out even -further- than his gut?

    #227467

    Honestly, I always assumed Hollister was joking to make an exaggerated point.

    #227468
    bloodteller
    Participant

    maybe he used the Time Wand to enlarge his penis.

    #227469
    bloodteller
    Participant

    he also states he caught the shuttle to the all-night hospital and had to pay 2 fares, so i guess we’re also meant to assume his penis is literally the size of another human being

    #227470
    Dave
    Participant

    Honestly, I always assumed Hollister was joking to make an exaggerated point.

    It certainly sounds like an exaggerated point one way or the other.

    #227471
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    he also states he caught the shuttle to the all-night hospital and had to pay 2 fares, so i guess we’re also meant to assume his penis is literally the size of another human being

    So it’s confirmed: Kryten’s nanobots could have revived Todhunter, but instead chose to use his matter to give Captain Hollister a six-foot schlong.

    #227472
    Dave
    Participant

    Rodhunter.

    #227473

    Todgehunter

    #227478
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    >Maybe he’s exaggerating
    Oh, don’t be ridiculous

    #227482
    flanl3
    Participant

    This only complicates the matter of determining what Rimmer saw under the sheets in the mirror universe.

    #227484
    By Jove its holmes
    Participant

    “This only complicates the matter of determining what Rimmer saw under the sheets in the mirror universe”

    I always thought it would have been funnier for Rimmer to realise that in the mirror universe, he was Arlene Rimmer only from the waist down.

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