Did Kochanski ever find out whether the Time Wand can do boob jobs?

[Jawscvmcdia]

Discuss this important question.

Topic

[GlenTokyo]

Two.

Not that giant though.

The original rock looked like the entire lower half of the ship was built into it. The new rocks were smaller and obviously in bays.

[Dave]

The bays for the rocks were one of the few elements of the pencil-ship that I found quite interesting, as they made sense for a mining ship. The old version just looks like it’s had an asteroid crash into it at some point. Which is admittedly part of the appeal, but still the bays were an interesting idea.

[GlenTokyo]

My head canon is that the rock was found first and the ship built into it. The rock is mined out and provides the material for the hull while making the lift shafts and corridors for the bottom half.

Depending on the mass of the rock too, it would also explain how Red Dwarf has gravity without the need for bullshit “grav plating”. Dwarf doesn’t seem to need to sustain artificial gravity, in White Hole it isn’t effected by the power issues, it would make sense if it had actual gravity.

[Dave]

I like that explanation. All of it.

[Jawscvmcdia]

I kinda wish they’d done more Cat, Kryten, Holly and Kochanski missions, though.

[flanl3]

What about the fact that plenty of landing bays are not oriented correctly for this?

[flanl3]

What if the original asteroid was actually a collision, then the nanobots got the extra material from that?

[GlenTokyo]

What landing bays are shown to be upside down?

Don’t remember ever seeing them land on the ceiling.

[International Debris]

Obviously I never would have expected them to dwell on all of these depressing details, but the utter lack of any acknowledgement is such a wasted opportunity, and ultimately it just doesn’t feel like Red Dwarf.

Yes, the options of ‘dealing with the crew being back’ or ‘Lister has to cope with going back to normal life after his adventures’ are FAR more interesting than ‘they’re in a comedy prison’. Admittedly both scenarios would probably end up a bit closer to VII than Doug wanted at the time, but they’re ones from which a lot of fascinating character stuff could be grasped. Lister can’t be promoted because he’s still a bum, but his services get called on by the Captain when something unusual happens. How does he cope with this? Does he end up resenting being used? Rimmer battles between his original dislike of Lister and a new-found respect after hearing of the five years of space exploration, whilst getting jealous of the secret missions Lister is going on. Maybe Cat and Kryten are kept in isolation and wheeled out to sort out weird space problems with Lister, the way Teal’c is kept on-base in SG-1. Kochanski struggles to fit in with a crew who are similar, but not identical, to the ones she knew in her dimension. Still nobody mentions why she is no longer Clare Grogan. There’s SO much potential. Instead we got prison basketball with erections.

[Dave]

Either way, I think I’d still rather the crew stayed dead though. The basic concept of the show in the I-VII years is much better than pretty much any angle you can find on the VIII version.

[Flap Jack]

No Kochanski or not. None of the crew should have been able to be reconstructed because nanobots need the material to make the crew surely? The material which was put in the kilner jars and flushed into space 10 years previous. Unless they made it them from another source, which would mean something would be missing elsewhere.

As that happened in a deleted scene, I’m willing to accept that canonically the urns were not fired into space, and were stored somewhere on the ship instead, which is why the nanobots were able to resurrect them.

Wait… that’s it! What if Lister held full funerals for just Kochanski and Petersen, and shot their ashes into space, but never got round to doing anyone else, and that’s why they didn’t get resurrected? OK, this is definitely my headcanon now.

But unfortunately this doesn’t resolve the broader problem with the lack of a second Kochanski – that Kochanski’s parallel universe origins are not referenced or acknowledged once in the whole of Series 8 despite being a crucial part of her character in Series 7 – or the broader problem with the nanobots – that they’re so powerful that they completely trivialize the concept of death or serious harm in Red Dwarf.

Also,Kochanski not being brought back is about as justifiable as Lister not being brought back.

… no it isn’t?

[Dave]

I thought Petersen did get resurrected, but we just didn’t see him. They mention him being drunk when they first apprehend the crew of the crashed Starbug, don’t they?

[bloodteller]

petersen sends lister his guitar in Krytie TV, too.

meanwhile todhunter ceases to exist completely.

[Dave]

Did George McIntyre get resurrected too?

[Hamish]

And Petersen sends Lister his guitar in the good bit of Krytie TV.

[Hamish]

Well, that serves me for not pressing the reload button…

[Flap Jack]

Ah, OK, let’s revise that to just Kochanski then.

[flanl3]

In the universe where Red Dwarf is currently happening, hasn’t Kochanski always looked like Chloe Annett?

[Flap Jack]

Yes – so the time wand briefly turning Kochanski into Clare Grogan would have been a fun cameo, but it wouldn’t have made a lot of sense (and the resurrected Kochanski-Prime would have been a second Chloe, not a Clare).

What would have been a cool way to do something similar is if the Holly they found on the planetoid was Hattie, but the one on the rebuilt Red Dwarf was Norman. I know Holly can change their appearance, voice and pronouns at will, but at least this would have provided a reason – and be a better way of distinguishing them than the whole conehead thing!

OK, OK, Norman would never agree to be the lesser Holly, so here’s a compromise: Both Hollys are Norman, but Planetoid Watch Holly has the Series 2 look, and Loyal to Hollister Holly has the Series 1 video filter applied.

[bloodteller]

not entirely on topic, but am i the only one who actually likes the “boob jobs” gag in Pete? i always found it sort of funny because it’s using such a powerful piece of technology for something so normal.

the version on the smeg ups where chloe accidentally says “blow jobs” and danny runs to the front saying “there would’ve been a long queue!” is still funnier though

[Ben Saunders]

How would the Time Wand doing blow jobs work? Would it revert your penis back to a time when you were getting blown? How can I get one? A time wand, I mean.

[Lily]

>I thought Petersen did get resurrected, but we just didn’t see him. They mention him being drunk when they first apprehend the crew of the crashed Starbug, don’t they?

Yup. I always figured Mark Williams was too busy dying his hair ginger to have time for RD.

[Lily]

Bugger. Should have refreshed.

[Dave]

Yup. I always figured Mark Williams was too busy dying his hair ginger to have time for RD.

“You ain’t seen me, right?”

[bloodteller]

what even is the time wand, anyway? at least they explained in Cassandra where cassandra came from and what the ship was doing out there, but no explanation is ever given for why there’s a completely abandoned ship with nothing but a time wand onboard.

[bloodteller]

it feels like a wasted opportunity because they could’ve easily made a good half-hour episode that’s just about the Canaries finding the time wand and actually doing stuff with it that makes sense, as well as at least explaining what happened to the crew of the derelict. (maybe they turned themselves into sperms with the thing?)

but instead it’s just one scene in an episode that’s mostly about shit pranks and basketball, in which Holly comes out of fucking nowhere to do QPR jokes. and Rimmer and Lister aren’t even present when they find the timewand, which surely negates the whole point of having the Canaries- to get all 5 main characters together in one place.

[Lily]

>it feels like a wasted opportunity

You just described the whole of series VIII

[Flap Jack]

There’s a happier universe out there where instead of making Pete a 2-parter, they made one episode entirely focused on the time wand as a concept, and shoved all of the leftover nonsense like Kryten’s Remote Robotic Phallus, basketball competitions, and potato peeling into a different episode.

[International Debris]

Yes – so the time wand briefly turning Kochanski into Clare Grogan would have been a fun cameo, but it wouldn’t have made a lot of sense

Would have fit in just fine then.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

> Although, I always assumed the crew resurrection was a mistaken overcorrection on their part, that they just indiscriminately reconstructed everything without realising the crew weren’t there before…

There was a missed opportunity to see a horribly oversized and disfigured crew shrinking down to the correct size and proportions along with the ship

[Ben Paddon]

Sometimes I think it might be fun to sit down and try to write a version of VIII that works – same basic premise, but stronger plots and better gags.

Then I remember I’m still up to my RTD’s 4 writing that reboot pilot script that’s for exactly zero people other than myself, and I pass.

[bloodteller]

>Assuming it can do boob jobs, can it also do penis enlargement?

no the penis enlargement is done by “Boing! The Virility Enhancement Drug” which according to Pete Part 1 somehow makes hollister’s cock so big and thick that it can stop lift doors from closing

[bloodteller]

surely someone sticking their penis in a lift door would just horrifically crush the penis and it’d be all nasty and destroyed?

[Lily]

>surely someone sticking their penis in a lift door would just horrifically crush the penis and it’d be all nasty and destroyed?

Don’t most lift doors have those sensors that open them again if there’s any resistance? Although I’ll admit I’m not sure I’d offer up anyone’s penis in the name of testing the minimum amount of resistance required to trigger that sensor.

[bloodteller]

maybe this is one best left to the Mythbusters

[Ben Saunders]

His dick was incredibly hard though, so it had the power to stop doors. Hollister must canonically have a truly enormous rod if his testimony is to be believed

[flanl3]

Or he was taking a truly tiny lift or it’s secretly also a fat joke.

Most lifts wouldn’t close though, that’s how people hold them open.

[Dave]

Most lifts wouldn’t close though, that’s how people hold them open.

With their penis?

[Lily]

>Or he was taking a truly tiny lift or it’s secretly also a fat joke.

See this is where the whole setup for the joke didn’t even make sense to me. Considering most fat jokes are more along the lines of “he’s so fat he’s not seen his willy in years”, when I first heard the line I didn’t laugh, as I was thinking … what, so his penis is of such equine proportions that it sticks out even -further- than his gut?

[International Debris]

Honestly, I always assumed Hollister was joking to make an exaggerated point.

[bloodteller]

maybe he used the Time Wand to enlarge his penis.

[bloodteller]

he also states he caught the shuttle to the all-night hospital and had to pay 2 fares, so i guess we’re also meant to assume his penis is literally the size of another human being

[Dave]

Honestly, I always assumed Hollister was joking to make an exaggerated point.

It certainly sounds like an exaggerated point one way or the other.

[Flap Jack]

he also states he caught the shuttle to the all-night hospital and had to pay 2 fares, so i guess we’re also meant to assume his penis is literally the size of another human being

So it’s confirmed: Kryten’s nanobots could have revived Todhunter, but instead chose to use his matter to give Captain Hollister a six-foot schlong.

[Dave]

Rodhunter.

[International Debris]

Todgehunter

[Ben Saunders]

>Maybe he’s exaggerating
Oh, don’t be ridiculous

[flanl3]

This only complicates the matter of determining what Rimmer saw under the sheets in the mirror universe.

[By Jove its holmes]

“This only complicates the matter of determining what Rimmer saw under the sheets in the mirror universe”

I always thought it would have been funnier for Rimmer to realise that in the mirror universe, he was Arlene Rimmer only from the waist down.

[bloodteller]

what if he looked under the sheets in the mirror universe and saw his own face staring back at him

[Author]

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