Dirty Feed

[John Hoare]

HELLO HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE YOU ARE GREAT.

For anyone interested, it’s my blog’s fifth anniversary today, so I’ve written a little piece including my favourite posts over the years:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/01/dirty-feed-the-first-five-years/

For anyone not interested, I’ve heard about this really great Red Dwarf site, you should check it out:

http://www.ganymede.tv/

[John Hoare]

Update on Dirty Feed, about Comedy Central and Twitter:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/01/comedycentraluk/

Admittedly, not quite as shit as @RedDwarfHQ, which is possibly the most stupid thing to have ever happened with anything ever.

[Jonsmad]

Read the article on the smashie and nicey end of era VHS. Brilliant stuff only had that on broadcast home taped never knew there was another edit. Nice one.

[MANI506]

Thank you to you and all at Team G & T. I love the enthusiasm and I’ve been inspired to rediscover or discover many classic comedys after reading the articles. I forgot how great End Of An Era is (she’ s not dead yet). Last years Story of the Twos is amazing as well. Any news on further Dwarf Casts? I am looking forward to the next one which reportedly covers one of the shit episodes.

[John Hoare]

Thank you all!

G&T will update soon – I believe we have at least one Dwarfcast in the can. We’re all a bit busy with other stuff at the moment, but two more High & Low pieces are next on the agenda too.

[Ben Kirkham]

How dare you have lives of your own! I expect you all to spend every living hour obeying the whims of your fanbase, endlessly typing into a computer. But you all choose to have families, friends, lives, even jobs. Where are your priorities?

[John Hoare]

New Dirty Feed post – why TV channels go wrong, and why it’s nothing to do with “automation”:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/01/on-automation/

[John Hoare]

Just remembered I never linked to my latest article here, about what John Cleese dislikes about Fawlty Towers:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/02/11-things-wrong-with-fawlty-towers/

(Weirdly, this got retweeted and linked to by quite a lot of people, and is probably the most-read article ever on Dirty Feed. Apparently, my best work is stuff where I just crib a load of quotes off John Cleese and have my own contribution be as minimal as possible.)

[John Hoare]

A little piece I’ve written about radio jingles:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/03/jingle-history-101/

[ori-STUDFARM]

You planning any more podcasts? I enjoyed those…

[John Hoare]

You planning any more podcasts? I enjoyed those…

Hooray! Thanks.

I definitely have podcasts planned – I just want to make sure I can commit to a run of them rather than just shoving out the odd one with no proper releaser schedule to it. Hopefully this year, but I’ve said that since 2013…

[John Hoare]

Dirty Feed celebrates April Fools’ Day… with a BBC Micro version of Mornington Crescent:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/04/acorn-fools-day/

[ori-STUDFARM]

I definitely have podcasts planned – I just want to make sure I can commit to a run of them rather than just shoving out the odd one with no proper releaser schedule to it. Hopefully this year, but I’ve said that since 2013…

2013? That long ago since the last couple….Jeez! They reminded me quite a bit of some that TV Cream have produced in the past. Their series of election podcasts or top moments from 50 years of Coronation Street (It was where I first learned about the pubs toilet leading into Dierdre and Kens back room!

Make sure you let us know if and when you do release more…

[John Hoare]

DIRTY FEED IN ACTUALLY UPDATING AGAIN SHOCKER.

You may enjoy this interview I did with a current BBC continuity announcer about what he loves about radio:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/06/duncan-newmarch-the-jingles-i-grew-up-with/

Or you may not, in which case FUCK OFF.

[John Hoare]

The Crystal Maze and “modern audiences”:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/07/the-crystal-maze-modern-audiences/

[performingmonkey]

The funny thing about that is most people who contributed are probably old farts like us who watched the original shows, not really a ‘modern audience’…

This makes me think of the grand statements people make saying ‘no-one wants to watch TV any more’ it’s total bullshit for those whose brains work exclusively in clickbait headlines.

[John Hoare]

24 Hours in Channel 5 TX:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/08/24-hours-in-channel-5-tx/

[Pete Tranter’s Sister]

John, is there any way that the whole process of putting a channel on-air could be streamlined?

It still all seems so manually driven. Pushing the right buttons and pulling the right levers, dialling in fades and doing count-ins and manually going to VT and all that.

Is there not a way to set up scripts so that it removes the need to oversee the little details and as a result, not only push programmes onto the air with microsecond precision but remove the element of human error when, for example, cutting to adverts and in and out of live broadcasts?

And if not, why not?

[John Hoare]

To be honest, what can be sensibly automated is already automated. I mean, pre-recorded programmes run automatically from the playlist with no intervention from the op, unless changes need to be made – and make it to air accurately to the frame.

But anything live will require human intervention. Rarely will live programmes go to an ad break at a planned time to the *second* – timings drift all the time during live production. There’s no way to automatically take the ad break during a situation like that – someone has to take the decision to push the button, whoever that person is. A computer can’t decide that.

Technically you *could* have an automated voice giving counts etc – and I have heard such things in production galleries before. In practice, for TX, it’s not worth it. There still has to be someone there to deal with problems – if either TX or the production has a breakdown. Or hell, if the production ask for extra time – there has to be someone in the seat who speaks for the *channel*, and takes that decision, rather than letting production teams run riot.

Again, when you talk about “manually going to VT” – I mean, there’s no was to automate an entirely manual process like that. The whole thing when you’re in an emergency situation is that it needs human input to take decisions and make things work.

A *lot* of what we do in TX is checking to pick up errors – again, most of this just isn’t something which can be automated. There’s no way a computer can tell that someone has put, say, the end of Part 1 of a programme in the wrong place, or that the audio description doesn’t match what is on screen. It needs a human eye or ear to notice, and then human input to correct.

Short version: there’s a *lot* more automation in this job than there used to be. But removing the human element any more would be a very bad idea. You’d end up with a lot more stuff like this – the very opposite of what you’re intending!

[Pete Tranter’s Sister]

I was going to reply with more questions as the art and methods of television broadcasting genuinely interest me. Then I had a glance over your Twitter and saw a picture of Cleo Rocos.

One thing lead to the other, now I have two dozen photos of Cleo Rocos saved onto my hard drive.

Cleo Rocos.

What a fucking honey.

[John Hoare]

New Dirty Feed article, about One Foot in the Grave and edits. A heartland piece for Dirty Feed if ever I wrote one.

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/10/one-foot-in-the-grave-hearts-of-darkness/

[John Hoare]

And after YEARS of wondering, I finally have an answer to the question posed in the previous article!

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/10/hearts-of-darkness-the-thrilling-conclusion/

[clem]

Well done, John.

[Stephen R. Fletcher]

Just read the articles. Really fascinating stuff, John!

[John Hoare]

Cheers clem and Stephen!

More to come soon. Working on a piece about Fast Show edits at the moment.

[John Hoare]

Working on a piece about Fast Show edits at the moment.

Well, that took longer than I expected:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/11/the-fast-show-series-2-dvd-edits/

[Pete Part Three]

Fascinating. I can still pick out the sketches that weren’t in the original 1996 airing of The Christmas Special. Unfortunately, my recording is long since disposed of.

[John Hoare]

Ah, I didn’t realise the DVD version of the Christmas ep was extended compared to broadcast! So much of this stuff to dig up…

What I *do* know is that the DVD version of You Ain’t Seen These, Right? is far longer than broadcast – by about 20 mins or so. Plan to do something on that at some point, too. (I do actually still have my VHS off-air of Fast Show Night.)

[MANI506]

I f
Did have 1995 repeat and original series 2 on VHS but lost them when I bought the DVD. From memory (and I pretty much memorised series 2) 2015 repeat = original broadcast.

[si]

I’ve got Fast Show Night, too. I’ve got loads of old tapes, I’m sure there must be some original Fast Shows amongst them. Stuff like that, I tended to record the lot and give the vid a special sleeve.
When I get this sling off in a few weeks, I’ll have a proper scrounge through my boxroom.

[John Hoare]

Lovely, thanks Si!

[John Hoare]

From memory (and I pretty much memorised series 2) 2015 repeat = original broadcast.

Yeah, I put my disclaimer more as a health warning really. I’m not convinced there are any editorial changes. But you never know…

[John Hoare]

The differences between the original 2005 live broadcast of The Quatermass Experiment, and its DVD release:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/12/the-quatermass-experiment-experiment/

[MANI506]

Looking forward to this Labour of love! Thank you for all the great reads.

[John Hoare]

Looking forward to this Labour of love! Thank you for all the great reads.

Thank you! I hope reading it didn’t cause a severe brain haemorrhage.

I’ve now updated the piece at the end with further commentary on the breaking news straps. It is rather hardcore, though. And not in a fun way.

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2015/12/the-quatermass-experiment-experiment/

[John Hoare]

Best of Dirty Feed 2015:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/01/dirty-feed-best-of-2015/

[John Hoare]

A dissection of the Men Behaving Badly episode ‘Stag Night’, comparing its script with the finished episode:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/02/men-behaving-badly-stag-night/

[MANI506]

Even though I think MBB peaked at series 4, I have massive nostalgia for this episode because it was broadcast just after my first DJ!

[si]

I’ve got Fast Show Night, too. I’ve got loads of old tapes, I’m sure there must be some original Fast Shows amongst them. Stuff like that, I tended to record the lot and give the vid a special sleeve.
When I get this sling off in a few weeks, I’ll have a proper scrounge through my boxroom.

Sling off, started scrounging. Only looked in one box, but I’ve found a tape high has half of s2 and s3 on, which will be repeats because the tape’s designed the same as my Fast Show Night tape. I’ve found a Christmas 2000 video, which has the original transmissions of The Last Fast Show Ever parts one, two and three spread through it, in between Big Brother s1 highlights and It’s A Wonderful Life.

[Taiwan Tony]

John. What’s your favourite Simon Nye sitcom? Also open to others, obvs-iously.

[International Debris]

Does ‘How Do You Want Me?’ count as a sitcom? If so, that’s the correct answer. Then MBB.

[si]

I loved How Do You want Me.

[Taiwan Tony]

Excellent choice. Mark Heap! I prefer Is It Legal? but recognise I’m probably in the minority…

[Pete Part Three]

Men Behaving Badly Series 3-5 is tops.

I also have a soft spot for Emma Pierson in Beast. Oh, hang on; that’s not soft.

[John Hoare]

John. What’s your favourite Simon Nye sitcom? Also open to others, obvs-iously.

I feel I can’t answer this properly, as I haven’t actually seen How Do You Want Me?

I will say that I love Is It Legal?, and think it’s hugely underrated.

[Jonathan Capps]

Oh, hang on; that’s not soft.

Hardware.

[International Debris]

I actually do have a soft spot for Hardware.

[John Hoare]

I actually quite liked Hardware as well. Possibly worth a Dirty Feed article, actually..

In the meantime – the differences between the original pilot recording of Fawlty Towers, and its final broadcast:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/03/fawlty-towers-a-touch-of-class/

[Taiwan Tony]

Interesting stuff. I’d noticed differences in hair continuity before – but only John Cleese’s hair when he walks inside the hotel to outside. (Location shoots obviously didn’t account for how bedraggled he looked after hitting his guests with a stick and falling through the bar etc.)
Outside the hotel he looks like he’s in the army, with a sensible brylcreemed short back and sides, and inside the hotel he looks like Reggie Watts.
Don’t you just love that bit in the pilot when he appeals to the policeman “Just one.”

PS. I also read your other FT post. I was really surprised to read that the Twitchin/fainting joke has been misunderstood. He says “Tw-” and sees the twitch! Then Twitchin says “it’s Twy-chin, actually.” This has rocked me to my very core.

Any plans to do a Clement and LeFrenais Dirty Feed in the future? Or a Rik and Ade?

[John Hoare]

PS. I also read your other FT post. I was really surprised to read that the Twitchin/fainting joke has been misunderstood. He says “Tw-” and sees the twitch! Then Twitchin says “it’s Twy-chin, actually.” This has rocked me to my very core.

You’re not the only person to say this – quite a few have:

@MhairiMcF There are dunces out there who thought Basil fainted because he *couldn't remember* Twitchen's name? Where's my facepalm.gif?

— Carole Bayer Leverkusen (@fnord_focus) February 15, 2015

On the other hand, I’ve talked to plenty of people misinterpret it the same way I did – and Cleese has obviously met far too many. I can *definitely* see how it was intended now – there’s a close-up of the twitch, for fuck’s sake! – but I think Fawlty forgetting his own name earlier sets some people down the wrong road.

Any plans to do a Clement and LeFrenais Dirty Feed in the future? Or a Rik and Ade?

No plans at the moment for any Clement/La Frenais stuff – but I would like to write something properly about Filthy, Rich & Catflap. We’ll see. I try and go for things nobody else has written, if only because if a proper writer tackles a subject, they’ll do it far better than me!

[Taiwan Tony]

> I try and go for things nobody else has written, if only because if a proper writer tackles a subject, they’ll do it far better than me!

Funnily enough, while I was reading your blog I was thinking about how much I could hear your voice coming through and how distinctive and great to read it is.

I’d love a Filthy article.
I recommend Roger Wilmut’s Didn’t You Kill My Mother-in-law as a reference.
I’d also welcome something on Happy Families as it’s something I’ve only read about and never actually seen. And there’s the Red Dwarf link, too.

[John Hoare]

Funnily enough, while I was reading your blog I was thinking about how much I could hear your voice coming through and how distinctive and great to read it is.

I’m properly chuffed to read this. Thank you!

Latest piece is a bit worthy and not as much fun as comedy stuff I’m afraid:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/04/the-fragility-of-the-web/

I’ll get back to knob jokes shortly.

[Jonsmad]

Way back machine is one internet tool i learnt from you John, and in my music worlds its been vital, not least because we spent years building a web site then it went down after fans fell out about its future, those that carried on recovered years of work that would have otherwise been lost. Nice article the internet like life suffers from “things aint what they used to be”

[John Hoare]

Way back machine is one internet tool i learnt from you John, and in my music worlds its been vital, not least because we spent years building a web site then it went down after fans fell out about its future, those that carried on recovered years of work that would have otherwise been lost. Nice article the internet like life suffers from “things aint what they used to be”

This is excellent. There’s sadly bits of G&T which have fallen by the wayside which the Wayback Machine rescues. Although that’s due to my own incompetence rather than any falling out. Which makes it worse, really.

[John Hoare]

Anyway, latest Dirty Feed piece, linking together Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Monty Python:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/06/who-framed-michael-eisner/

[John Hoare]

For those that don’t follow me on Twitter – I’ve been posting lots of shorter entries on Dirty Feed this month as a little experiment, rather than one bigger article every month or so.

There’s no one piece that stands out, but if you like the little things I’m obsessed with, it might be worth scrolling down the front page and seeing if anything catches your eye.

[John Hoare]

The only article ever to spend time comparing Quatermass and Mrs Brown’s Boys:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/08/mammy-gets-the-snip/

[performingmonkey]

I actually got a little emotional over Brendan’s speech about comedy at the end of the live episode…

[John Hoare]

An article which looks to be my usual kind of Twitter nonsense… and then turns rather odd about halfway through.

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/08/a-guide-to-social-media/

[Pete Part Three]

Excellent. A sneak peek at Dave’s new commission: “John Hoare’s Modern Life is Shitish”.

[John Hoare]

Excellent. A sneak peek at Dave’s new commission: “John Hoare’s Modern Life is Shitish”.

aka the next five DwarfCasts.

[si]

Excellent. A sneak peek at Dave’s new commission: “John Hoare’s Modern Life is Shitish”.

Ish?

[Pete Tranter’s Sister]

John, excellent observations and commentaries as usual.

I must ask, do you have an interest in teletext? There’s a great resurgence in the medium, spearheaded by the aptly named Teefax, built around the Raspberry Pi and able to be viewed through a bog-standard CRT for that authentic don’t sit too close to the telly atmosphere.

[Ben Paddon]

Does John like Teletext?

Well, when my then-girlfriend and I crashed in John and Tanya’s front room during a stay in England some seven years ago (and very kind and gracious they were to have us for those nights, thanks again!) when we arrived they were, if memory serves, watching old Ceefax archives. Recreationally.

[Pete Tranter’s Sister]

Well there was a war on, you have to do something with your nights if you have flat feet.

[John Hoare]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Yes, I do have an interest in teletext – I used to be a BBC Micro nut, which included a teletext mode. I once considered doing a redesign of Dirty Feed based around the look of teletext, but dismissed it as more trouble than it was worth. Would have been fun, though…

[cwickham]

John, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen this page, but if you haven’t I’m sure it’d be of interest to you: http://simpsonsarchive.com/guides/dvdguide.html

[John Hoare]

John, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen this page, but if you haven’t I’m sure it’d be of interest to you: http://simpsonsarchive.com/guides/dvdguide.html

I clearly *should* have seen this, but hadn’t! Fantastic stuff, thank you.

[cwickham]

BTW: Although it’s not been updated in a few years, I contacted the guy running it a month or two ago with some information and he’s still around and hoping to bring it up to date at some point soon.

[Pete Tranter’s Sister]

It appears the next great race is on – To assemble the definitive Simpsons cuts.

[John Hoare]

How the famous Blockbusters title sequence was made:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/09/blade-runner-afternoons/

Bonus DWARF points: a certain “Peter C Tyler” is credited for the photos, and as lighting cameraman on the sequence!

[Pete Tranter’s Sister]

You are doing God’s work, seriously.

I was recently watching that very title sequence and thinking it how well it would still stand up if they were able to pull the original negs and transfer it to HD.

[Pete Tranter’s Sister]

While we’re at it, John, if you can procure a stereo version of Jeff Wayne’s ‘Good Morning Britain’ theme, I’m going to buy you several pints at DJ XIX.

I need it for… reasons.

Also, a full length Fourscore would be a charming addition as well.

[Ben Paddon]

Bonus DWARF points: a certain “Peter C Tyler” is credited for the photos, and as lighting cameraman on the sequence!

[Tanya Jones]

Ben; I believe it was actually our DVD with recreations of old ITV start-ups, but we’ve both watched Ceefax for fun before.

[Ben Paddon]

Oh yes, so it was! Not judging, by the way. I love it when people are passionate about niche aspects of stuff, and the way you and John love and scrutinize TV – all of it, not just the shows but scheduling, and transmission breaks, and Ceefax, and bumpers, and all that other stuff people don’t really think about – is one of my favorite things about you two, and one of the things I find so endearing about you both.

[Ian Symes]

I think they’re both tedious cunts.

[Kris Carter]

I think, EVERYBODY’S right, so just forget I said anything, okay?

[Pete Tranter’s Sister]

Being called an absolute fucking idiot by John was a genuine pleasure.

He plays the ball, not the man.

[John Hoare]

Right, now I’ve hopefully finished DYING, back to usual on Dirty Feed. Like picking apart documentaries from 2005, because reasons:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/10/name-something-documentary-makers-should-avoid/

[(deleted)]

Nice. Always thought that there’s another untold story somewhere in that “turkey” incident.

Weird reminder of late-90s Carlton though – I had to spend several hours in the lobby of Carlton in late 1997 as my dad was appearing in the audience of some pseudo-The-Time-The-Place shit or other (he’d jump through fire every time Action Time’s contestant bookers rang him on the offchance he could get his face on the TV), and as there was a free hotel and chauffeured transport provided I’d been able to go as a +1, but it emerged that I wasn’t allowed in the studio audience. Anyway, an exhausting 3-4 hours sat in Carlton’s lobby without a book or even a screen of the studio feed to look at – the atmosphere in that fucking place still gives me the creeps now. People looking like death, people shouting and stressing out – not for one second did I feel safe and I couldn’t wait to get out of the shithole. Even now if I ever see the endcap I get the shivers.

It occurs to me now that it’s very possible David Cameron was sat elsewhere in the building. And a lot of things suddenly make sense.

[John Hoare]

Yeah, I always feel there’s a few gaps about the incident which I’m really tempted to attempt to fill in, but may be distasteful to do so.

Fucking Carlton. They ruined my beloved Central. I’m still genuinely bitter about it. I honestly believe if Central had been the ones to team up with Granada and take over the ITV network, television would have been a lot better off. Not perfect, not some imagined glory days… but better than we got.

[John Hoare]

For anyone who wants a long self-indulgent rambling blogpost self-analysising Dirty Feed until it retains no joy or magic whatsoever:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/11/independent-blogs/

For anyone who wants something more interesting: I hear if you type “boobies” or “big willies” into Google you get some great sites, but I’ve not tried it myself.

[John Hoare]

Hi-de-Hi!’s recent BBC Two broadcast of Series 1, compared to the 2003 DVD release:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/11/hi-de-hi-edits-2/

[John Hoare]

I’ve been writing various things over the past few weeks, but linking to every single thing in this thread would be tedious for everyone concerned, so I try to mainly keep it to TV-related articles in here.

Some of you might be interested in my latest internet archeology piece, though:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/11/ghosts-of-internet-past/

[flanl3]

I must say, The Rad Project was an amazing read.

[John Hoare]

I must say, The Rad Project was an amazing read.

Hooray! Somebody else thinks so! I love it so much.

Meanwhile, if you’re reading this on Saturday night, it seems an appropriate time to look back on Bob Monkhouse dealing with the lottery going tits up – nearly 20 years ago to the day:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/12/network/

[Ben Paddon]

Fab post, John.

[John Hoare]

Cheers Ben. Much appreciated.

[Ben Paddon]

No, seriously. I haven’t said much else because I have nothing substantial to say, but I’ve now re-read it four times.

[John Hoare]

Oh, I wasn’t being sarcastic, promise! I’m really glad you liked it!

I had to write that one in a rush when I realised it really needed to be published that Saturday, or not at all. Sometimes they turn out shit when I do that, so I’m glad it worked…

[John Hoare]

lol Hi-de-Hi! said fuck

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/12/hi-de-hi-edits-3-filth-and-lewd-innuendo/

[cwickham]

John, if I was looking for an extremely obscure ITV television series from 1991 which (as far as I can tell) was never repeated, was definitely never even released on VHS, let alone DVD, and no off-air copies are known to exist… would you say there’s any chance whatsoever of it turning up?

[John Hoare]

I would say there’s always a chance. Even if it was just getting an episode or two.

[John Hoare]

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY. Here’s something on the Christmas episodes of George & Mildred, and how the final episode of the show calls the programme’s own bluff:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2016/12/a-george-mildred-christmas/

[John Hoare]

Best of Dirty Feed 2016, if you want to skip the dreck and just read the mildly interesting:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2017/01/dirty-feed-best-of-2016/

[John Hoare]

In defence of silly things:

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2017/01/the-world-is-burning/

[Phobos And Deimos]

It was the bastards in power who told us they and their machinations are important in the first place.

Silly things are not silly, by any measure.

Never, ever let anything or anyone else corrupt or dilute what makes you happy.

[John Hoare]

The story behind unbroadcast Fox game show Our Little Genius… and my own brief dalliance with the FCC.

http://www.dirtyfeed.org/2017/01/our-little-genius/

[flanl3]

Lovely, but you might like to know that I’m fairly certain some dates which should be listed as 2010 are presented as 2009. Specifically, you claim that 7th January 2010 and 7th January 2009 are the same day, and a couple things like that.

But really, holy damn, that was a wild ride from start to finish.

[Author]

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