Idea for an episode.

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    smoke me a kipper

    Here is my idea for an episode.

    The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

    That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

    Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.


    Pete Part Three

    Sound hilarious. Here; have some money.



    Idea for film extravaganza. Plot, thus: Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future. He’s being pursued by a cyberpunk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer.



    I’ve got one:


    Starbug crash lands onto an icy planet, where they discover the frozen remains of Bruce Forsyth. They unthaw him, and he tells them that Earth was frozen in 2641 by Simulant replicas of Torvill and Dean. He only survived because he had been playing dead for the last 300 years. At the end of the episode he trips over a box of paperwork and is flushed out of an airlock.

    Also Lister irons his trousers with curry, because he likes ironing his trousers. Also curry.



    What about one where everybody’s Kryten?


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Austria, 1908, a young man is rejected from studying at the prestigious Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna.

    Japan, 1945, two atomic bombs are dropped on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing an estimated 226,000 people, half of those deaths occur within the first twenty-four hours.

    A chain of events occurred in between, but what happened, we’ll never know.

    And now, stand by your pre-packaged croutons and wait for the signal to turn, it’s REEVES & MORTIMER.



    Hollister reveals that he is Dennis the Dungodad.



    The crew discover the fabled final scene of Samsara cryogenically preserved in some shit.


    International Debris

    After opening the stasis booth they don’t believe it.

    It’s Victor Meldrew! And who should be in the other stasis pod, but his ex-neighbour, Patrick Trench! Cursing his luck at being trapped in the distant future with his nemesis, Patrick screams in frustration, causing a ship-quake. The crew quickly escort the two 20th century men back aboard Starbug, and Kryten notices a slime trail leading in the same direction. Before he has time to tell the rest of the crew, a metal beam hits him on the head and knocks him out.
    With Kryten out cold until he can be repaired, Cat and Lister piloting and Rimmer navigating, Victor and Patrick are left in the mid-section on their own and have an amusing argument about whose fault the situation is. Fancying a cup of tea, Victor heads into the kitchen. Off screen we hear: “What in the name of bloody hell?!”
    Cut to- Victor with a baby Giant Death Worm trying to attach itself to his face. Patrick rushes in and valiantly rips it off him, before heading to the airlock, blasting both himself and the creature out into space. Before he closes the airlock door, he mentions to Victor that death by asphyxiation would be preferable to the rest of his life trapped in deep space with Mr. Meldrew.
    “Oh, by the way,” Victor says to Lister, as they conduct a remembrance service for Patrick, “there was another person on board the space station – she was in a stasis booth on the level above us. A rather hoity-toity young lady with a strange name.”
    “Kochanski? Was it Kochanski?”
    “Ah yes, that’s it. Said she was Scottish but she didn’t sound it.”
    “Quick, we’ve gotta get back there to rescue her.”
    Suddenly, the space station Starbug is flying towards explodes.
    “I don’t believe it!” cries Lister. Rimmer rolls his eyes and passes him an accident report form. Lister looks at the camera and shrugs.



    Only sharing because this reminds me of how great this other thread was.



    Wasn’t good enough to attend the Hall of Fame ceremony though, was it?






    I’ve always loved the theory that Rimmer didn’t actually cause the accident. Holly just implanted a fake memory in his head so he’d feel guilty enough to stick it out as the ship’s hologram.



    The boys from the dwarf pick up a signal from a crashed derelict on a planetoid, when they go to inspect the signal they find out that the crashed vessel is Red Dwarf itself from the future after being caught in a spatial anomaly, and they need to work out how it happened to avoid the same fate as their future selves.



    Lister does a shit that’s so big it makes a path to another dimension and they meet Doctor Who.



    and Star Trek.


    Jumbo Buggers

    Between series 6 -7, in 97 my brother and I wrote an red dwarf episode called ‘CATFLAP’.

    After Cat has a nightmare of being made to embrace a religion of uncool clothing, he is transported to a world where the rest of cat race survived and are split into two factions. The Geeky side who worship Dwayne Dibbly style life style and The Cool side, so cool in fact there is only one, KINGKATT who is genocidal believing he has the only right to live as he is cool and no one else is. Yep, pretty clunky I admit. The sub plot involved Lister and Kryten falling out ( this was written before series 7’s Kryten’s squeaky persona). A very hung over Lister feels Kryten talked down to him at recent encounter with usual sci fi peril and insults Kryten, Kryten then refuses to speak. Rimmer, loving this fuels the fire and gets Kryten to fight Lister in a boxing match, to settle their differences. Lister refuses to hit Kryten and Kryten can’t hit Lister due to his programming. Kryten’s refusal to assist, causes Rimmer to make decisions as Lister and Kryten are literal ‘not talking’ through out and a lot of mistakes occur. Kryten’s constant unsubtle nods and pointing to Rimmer not to do something without being seen by Lister doesn’t help matters. The story ends with The KINGKATT’ plan backfiring due his vanity and Lister quipping ‘Ever Cat must have his day (written before every dog line in series viii)’ Kryten instantly punches him and replies ‘ Sorry sir, I just couldn’t let that one go’. Yes its pretty awful, however the inclusion of Kryten hitting Lister and rumours of other Cat Characters in series XI it’s very intriguing, look ing forward to seeing what Doug does with similar material.



    Haha I like that idea Jumbo.
    I like the Cat idea. Other than Lister, Cat has been in every single episode so I’m quite looking forward to the Cat episode. He finally gets one.


    Jumbo Buggers

    Cheers Bezzy, Identity within-the lost red dwarf cat story never really impressed me, great recording by chris barrie though. Wondering if any elements will be lifted from it.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    The Middle.


    Jumbo Buggers

    My 9 year old son has become quite the Red Dwarf fan, in fact the idea of a spaceship with a catman and a robot and hologram and a silly hero feels like Ulysess 31 meets Rentaghost. He asks that I tell him a Red Dwarf bed time story every night. Must have done this for at least 6 months. Had stories of hologram vampires who feed off light, Rimmer being in a intergalactic Disco championship (where bad dancing wins). Lister bathing in curry. An Evil Ace Rimmer. Cat’s Fashionable clothes coming to life.hard light doubles of the crew try to take over the ship. Waiting to see if any of these appear in the rest of series xi or xii.



    Lister wins the lottery but loses the ticket. He believes Rimmer has stolen the ticket and hires Cat as an undercover agent to follow him. Meanwhile Kryten takes up topiary.



    A fan of Red Dwarf™ sues the JMC™ for stealing all of his ideas despite overwhelming evidence that the concepts existed three million years™ prior. Nevertheless, it falls to Rimmer™ to mount a defence as the company’s representative by default. He realises, however, that if he loses, his subsequent redundancy money could easily afford an afterdeath™ better than anything Red Dwarf™ can offer and tries to throw the case, accidentally winning in the process.

    The fan takes his compensation in *cut to credits™*



    Kryten fucks a fridge.



    > Kryten fucks a fridge.

    Can the fridge be on top of him in a way that’s completely logically impossible for fucking? That would be good.

    I think they should done one where the Vampire does a smeg and Litser has to eat it.



    Lister eats a full English breakfast. Rimmer calls it racist.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Alexei Sayle guest stars as Gelf Balowski and Lister spend twenty minutes calling Rimmer a virgin.

    Come to think of it, Red Dwarf really is just The Young Ones in space.



    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic



    and Star Trek.


    Ben Paddon

    Don’t gimme that Star Trek crap, it’s too early in the mornin’.


    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    Taiwan Tony transfers himself into Kryten’s body. Nobody realises until he blacks up.



    Kryten gets infected by an ancient computer virus from the droid uprising and is turned into a murdering psychopath. Meanwhile Cat tries to make the perfect ham sandwich.


    Ben Paddon

    Rimmer and Lister bond over spaghetti western movies, which makes Kryten jealous.



    They all go on holiday to Miami where Kryten gets mistaken for a mafia boss and gets chased around with a bag of money.



    Kryten’s boss is coming round for dinner, and everyone has to be on their best behaviour.



    Rimmer falls through the bar.


    Taiwan Tony

    >Rimmer falls through the bar.
    He did that in episode 1.

    “Drink up, Listy. Were leaving!”



    >Kryten’s boss is coming round for dinner, and everyone has to be on their best behaviour.
    Unfortunately while Kryten is trying to entertain his boss at dinner, Lister accidently puts too much power in the washing machine and wacky hyjinks ensues!



    Unfortunately while Kryten is trying to entertain his boss at dinner, Lister accidently puts too much power in the washing machine and wacky hyjinks ensues!

    With indifferent consequences.



    Lister discovers a time capsule from Earth that features footage of a Weather Balloon and a Cow eating some grass in a field. He gets bored after thirty seconds and goes off to eat a curry.

    That episode’s name?



    Russ L

    They should do one were everything is backwards.



    Kryten has a dream where he reads a sign for 3 million years



    Kryten meets a tribe of GELF who can fulfil his lifelong dream of being a dancer.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Apartheid in space.


    Phobos And Deimos

    All the episodes are re-released backwards except Backwards which is re-assembled from alternate takes.



    The vicar’s coming round and Lister isn’t wearing any knickers.


    Phobos And Deimos

    Oh crikey.


    Stephen Abootman

    One idea for Timewave,relating to the synopsis:

    The crew go back in TIME to 90s America where Rob Grant and Doug Naylor are pitching the US Red Dwarf and being referred to as the WAVE of negativity. Donald Trump turns up for some reason and takes them all aboard a ship he owns and makes their criticism illegal on there. He is then hit by a WAVE and erased from TIME itself unfortunately.


    Not John Hoare

    Everybody’s Shiteing.

    It’s like Everybody’s Kryten, but everybody’s shiteing.


    Plastic Percy

    Depending on how their swipe at political correctness turns out, perhaps now is the time for them to finally produce the long-mooted episode where the crew get hit by a Gay Ray.



    if they do get hit by a Gay Ray, then the real question is- if rimmer and lister fuck, does it count as inter-species sex? because rimmer technically isn’t a human, he’s just sort of a big bit of light



    But what light.



    The Hard Light basically replicates the feel of the person.

    So you might say Rimmer is Flesh Light.


    Ben Saunders

    If Holly can give Rimmer Peterson’s arm, could he give him Peterson’s cock?


    International Debris

    They don’t call Rimmer HARD light for nothing you know.



    because rimmer technically isn’t a human, he’s just sort of a big bit of light

    …and Lister’s just a small bit of heavy.


    By Jove its holmes

    the crew meet a character who is a rip off of famous serial killers like Jack the Ripper, Ed Gein, John Wayne Gacy etc.



    an entire episode dedicated to explaining why in Back in the Red Part 2 rimmer is explaining what future echoes are to the captain but then in Cassandra, rimmer doesn’t know what they are anymore and has to ask somebody else about them.



    They all masturbate into each other’s mouths the end.



    >They all masturbate into each other’s mouths the end.

    Due to budget restraints that episode has to be padded into a two-parter and now includes a subplot about Kryten’s bollocks being on the loose.


    By Jove its holmes

    Kryten finds his old Ronald Reagan mask from Backwards. Hits his head and thinks he *is* Reagan.



    Chris could do the voice.


    By Jove its holmes

    Kryten as Reagan would be like Quarantine: “My Fellow Americans, now I – WANT TO WIN INDEPENDENCE FOR THE SOUTH MOLDAVIAN PEOPLE!”



    They all masturbate into each other’s mouths the end.

    Chris could do the voice.



    >They all masturbate into each other’s mouths the end.

    how would Kryten partake in this unless he somehow got Archie back ?

    but even then, can Archie produce semen?



    >can Archie produce semen?

    They never ask the important questions at these Q&A sessions with Doug and the cast. Just what is your favourite episode.



    lister discovers Speed, his long-lost third son




    Lister shits his bed and is forced to share the bottom bunk with Rimmer for a month while Kryten deep cleans his mattress. Initially reluctant, they discover they are the perfect spooning size and shape for each other and begin to spend their days in bed together as well as nights. This has no impact on the running of the shop but they become happier and more content. Some time later they notice they haven’t seen Cat for a long time and eventually find him dead in the bottom of a cupboard where he crawled away to die. Kryten is very homophobic about Lister and Rimmer even though they aren’t necessarily gay, just snuggle-buddy-huggy-bed-pals, but tells he doesn’t like it but will tolerate it, despite him tutting and groaning every time they interact. In the end they realise they can switch Kryten off and switch Kryten off, and bury Cat under the apple tree in the botanical gardens.



    Red Dwarf gains sentience then screams in pain for thirty minutes.



    Hogey and his new wife Celeste come to live on Red Dwarf. Celeste is imaginary but nobody has the heart to tell Hogey so they all just play along. Meanwhile Lister takes up decoupage.



    > This has no impact on the running of the shop

    You’re gonna have to elaborate on this subplot, Rubber.



    to be fair we learned in Back in the Red that the ship has a Tesco’s



    Oh yeah, in an earlier episode that season they open a small shop together to make the process of using up dwindling food supplies more well-regulated and fun.




    The hologram personality library is infected by a spooky ghostish computer virus after Kryten accidentally holds a seance while testing some candles, and Kryten’s body is taken over by the disembodied holo-personality of George McIntyre. Kryten/George vows to kill Lister to render Rimmer’s hologrammatic ‘mission’ obsolete so that McIntyre can reclaim his position as ship’s hologram. He also wants to kill Cat due to being severely allergic to cats. Non-specific spooky murderous hijinks ensue for a specially-extended Halloween running time of 45 minutes without adverts, although ultimately it concludes with a Welshman being purged from existence forever in quite a heartbreaking and tragic way. At the end Lister opens a cupboard and Sarah Greene staggers out looking ravaged and haunted with a shock of white hair. They all look at each other and shrug comedically, except Kryten who doesn’t have any arms any more as a result of however they got rid of McIntyre. Spooky organ music version of the theme tune at the end.


    Pete Part Three

    They all have a fight to settle the age-old question of “Who would win in a fight?”



    They discover a society structured around gay stereotypes where negativity is illegal.

    Sorry, no – that was The Happiness Patrol. Or was it Timewave? It was bad agit-prop, anyway.


    Dollar Pound

    ‘kryte-hands’: basically it’s a bottle episode which is a long shaggy dog story told by kryten about how his hands got so big which also brilliantly explains why he can’t tell the difference between a construction worker’s helmet and a cloche. the audience laughter dies out early on and he actually cries three times during the story. after the story there is just silence for ages and then lister starts to spit the names of bread products like he does with talky and a ginormous hip hop beat comes in which thunders the whole ship with talky as the dj. cat, lister and rimmer jump around and throw their hands in the air but when kryten joins in he concusses them all and the episode ends.



    >”‘kryte-hands’: basically it’s a bottle episode which is a long shaggy dog story told by kryten about how his hands got so big which also brilliantly explains why he can’t tell the difference between a construction worker’s helmet and a cloche. the audience laughter dies out early on and he actually cries three times during the story. after the story there is just silence for ages and then lister starts to spit the names of bread products like he does with talky and a ginormous hip hop beat comes in which thunders the whole ship with talky as the dj. cat, lister and rimmer jump around and throw their hands in the air but when kryten joins in he concusses them all and the episode ends.”<

    See also that episode of The Simpsons about Mo’s dishcloth.



    The Dwarfers all get Furbies. It’s supposed to be a satire of consumerism but is actually just a misjudged soapbox about Funko Pop!s




    It dawns on the crew that nobody is 100% certain which version of Rimmer they are currently living with and how strange it is that he can recall events from two apparently separate incarnations of himself. After much cajoling, Rimmer eventually owns up to being Camille and the others are left to contemplate the fact that a version of Rimmer who fits into multiple Rimmer timelines without upsetting continuity is the thing they all desired the most. There is a lot of soul-searching and then nobody mentions it ever again, although Kryten occasionally stands silently watching Rimmer sleeping at night and over time it becomes clear they are all imagining him in different Rimmer costumes (Lister sees the blue quilted jacket, Kryten sees the green suit and hat and Cat sees the cycling shorts and shirt from series 2) which has no impact on the storylines whatsoever but throws up lots of apparent continuity errors for fans of the show to sweat over on the internet.



    How about we go right back to the first series, where Lister, Rimmer and Cat are haunted by the ghosts of dead crewmembers. They decide to pool their resources and set up a paranormal investigation agency to “bust” these spooks. They become a quartet when Kryten joins them, and Hattie Hayridge’s Holly becomes their ditzy receptionist. The ship is attacked by a giant marshmallow man, later revealed to be a polymorph.


    Paul Muller

    The crew pass through a dimensional rift and discover that every room and corridor in Red Dwarf and Starbug looks out onto a packed studio audience and film crew who laugh hysterically at their every word. Kryten has a panic attack and accidentally kills an audience member with his giant hands. The studio is evacuated and we fade to black as the police arrive to take him away.



    Rimmer does a TED talk about growing your personal brand




    Cat is raped and has six babies. The rest of the crew encourage him to kill the babies, but he doesn’t. Then Lister kills two of the children and a little later Cat kills the rest of his kids. All six of Cat’s young children are dead. He has a sex dream.



    TIMESLADES: Lister gets really into Slade but suffers from a bout of depression upon discovering that all the members have been dead for over three million years.


    Pete Part Three

    Lister gets accidentally sent back in time via a Staais leak, which opens into a bathroom where his younger self is wanking into the self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. Young Lister never gets to finish the wank, so both Listers starts to fade from existence. Old Lister has to cajole his younger self into having the wank, or else they will both will cease to be but Young Lister can’t maintain an erection with all this pressure. With Kryten’s help, they hold a school prom to get Young Lister into the the mood. At the end both Listers decide to wank each other off and Lister becomes twins. He renames himselves Jim and Bexley.

    This episode is called Back to the Wanker. Or possibly Wank to the Future. Or maybe Wanks For The Memory. Something with wanking in the title anyway. Do you see?

    Ps. I am wanking as I write this.


    Dollar Pound

    ‘lemonslade: timeslades ii’



    ‘Dead Dave’

    Pree reinstalls herself and redirects the ship towards an asteroid where they find Kochanski living in a shack and farming beetroots. Kochanski rejoins the crew as acting senior officer and she and Pree join forces to make life as emasculating and grim as possible for their male shipmates. Eventually Kryten snaps and kills Kochanski by sitting on her chest and crushing her ladylungs. Pree flushes the crew into deep space and laughs. Cat and Lister quickly freeze to death and Rimmer and Kryten eventually crash into a sun which they see coming several weeks prior. The last 10 minutes of the episode are them mentally steeling themselves to crash into the sun and burn to machinedeath in one of those dialogue-heavy scenes Doug is so good at. It is sad and the end.


    Dollar Pound

    rubber: you’ve nearly got a series together now. all strong eps so far…



    Rimmer’s use of toilet paper turns out to be semaphore. It’s a routine secretly taught by his mother to let him know that she loves him really but any sentiment is lost as Rimmer rants about how the message would have been better imparted through his Morris dancing lessons then he kind of just flounces off. Kryten then explains that that means he’s going to have sex with Uncle Frank in Rimaphore.


    International Debris

    The crew encounter another industrial vessel which, like Red Dwarf, has flown away from the solar system due to an onboard accident. With nobody in stasis to release, or smuggled pets to evolve, the onboard computer has gone completely senile and ends up being completely psychotic.

    Wait, where’s the ‘serious episode suggestions’ thread?



    BARRYMORPH: The crew encounter a polymorph that takes the form of Michael Barrymore and everyone is forced to watch Strike It Lucky until they die of boredom


    Ben Saunders

    TROJAN: Lister is betting on live pig racing for some fucking reason (is it live or pre-recorded? If it’s pre-recorded, why is he betting on it? Who is he betting against?) and completely defies logic when he phones up a shopping channel 3,000,000 years into deep space in order to purchase a shit kitchen appliance, leaving the audience bewildered and wondering if they’d tuned into the wrong show that just so happens to have exactly the same cast and title.


    Ben Saunders

    LEMONS: The Dwarfers build an IKEA flatpack time machine and meet not-Jesus, then take some cheap and easy swipes at religion we’ve heard a hundred times before instead of doing something actually clever because fucking hell. Then there’s some shite with bags that makes me want to die. Everyone loves it and it is hailed as a classic.


    Ben Saunders

    TIMEWAVE: Doug Naylor shits directly into your mouth for twenty-seven minutes. Johnny Vegas guest stars as PC Poof.



    Actually I thought he was quite non-PC.


    Dollar Pound

    they should do one where someone has to run back and forth between two dates. every show has to have one of them



    The One Where Everyone’s Butler.



    …from On The Buses.



    PETE PART III: Kryten has accidentally turned Birdman’s sparrow into Pete Doherty, the famous actor/musician/artist/writer. it’s up to the dwarfers to listen to the Libertines



    Dead Dwarf: Lister doesn’t take a cat on board, and dies in a radiation leak.



    “Dead Dwarf: Lister doesn’t take a cat on board, and dies in a radiation leak.”

    but if he’d died in the radiation leak he would have never existed in the first place because he needed to exist on Starbug in the future to take his baby self back to the past to leave under the pool table in order for him to exist.

    *camera explodes*


    Pete Part Three

    Curiosity Killed The Cat

    The Cat embarks on one of his ‘general investigations’ of the Cargo deck. On his travels, he’s run over by Rimmer. Rimmer rushes him to the medi-bay where Chippy tells him that the Cat’s injuries are so severe that he recommends he be put to sleep. Rimmer agrees and Cat is put down. Rimmer then has to get a new cat that looks similar in the hope that Lister never realises.

    The episode swiftly becomes even more controversial than Timewave. Did Rimmer deliberately murder Cat? Is the episode advocating euthanasia? Is the search for a new cat hideously racist, especially the scene with the blackface?

    Everyone logs onto G+T to rip the episode to pieces, apart from one regular user who doesn’t think it’s offensive at all. So that’s alright, then.



    Dr. Clitoris’ transphobic alien subplot



    ‘Rim Her’

    While wiping Lister’s anus after a particularly aggressive vindaloo, Kryten discovers a talent for rimming. Despite their initial reluctance, the rest of the crew allow him to practice his newfound skill on them as well, and soon getting rimmed by Kryten’s soft little mechanoid tongue becomes a regular part of daily life on board ship. Kochanski returns quite by chance and on her first night back Kryten goes into her quarters and starts rimming her while she is asleep. Kochanski wakes up and is so horrified by this sexual assault that she feeds him into the ship’s incinerator. The next day the others explain to her that they had an unspoken agreement with Kryten that he could rim them all because ‘he got so much out of it and he was really good at it’. Kochanski stares at them in disbelief. They all realise how odd it must seem that they let a robot lick their anuses each night and agree to never refer to it Kryten ever again. Kochanski’s expression of incredulous horror remains for the rest of the series.



    M-Cloche: All cloches become invisible to the crew. Mealtime is ruined forever.



    CAN OF SPERMS- the Cat wanks into a jar and tries to sell it to Rimmer as alien ectoplasm. Rimmer is dubious about the whole thing, so its up to him and Lister to do a taste test.

    the sounds of the studio audience vomiting in disgust can be heard in the background.



    M-BOP: Everyone becomes Hanson.


    Pete Part Three

    Thanks for the Mammaries: Kochanski uses the time wand to give herself a boob job.


    Pete Part Three

    Balance of Gower: The crew go to the circus. Guest starring David Gower as a Tight-rope walker.




    The ship’s backup-backup computer kicks in and is a gay man. Doug attempts to write a gay character without constantly referring to his sexuality and mannerisms, nor the slightly uncomfortable reactions of the crew to this handsless face on a screen. Success is not guaranteed.


    Pete Part Three

    Everybody Becomes Right-On: Ziggy returns to the show to educate the crew on political correctness.


    Pete Part Three

    Holoshit : Rimmer cacks his pants. (2 part episode)



    ‘White Hole’

    The crew run out of curry and are forced to barter with an anally fixated tribe of GELFs for further supplies, or else simply not eat curry. The GELFs collect and frame the arseholes of their defeated foes and insist on inspecting the ring pieces of the Dwarf posse in return for the curry. Rimmer’s dazzling Caucasian anus – a rarity in GELF circles – is agreed as the price. The gang try to convince him to part with his bum for the sake of curry, reasoning that as a hologram he doesn’t need it anyway. He refuses and eventually Lister persuades Kryten to chloroform him and hand him over to the GELFs for the arsectomy process. The surgery commences and the GELF surgeon quickly realise he can’t make a dent in Rimmer’s hard light drive. The crew exchange panicked looks, but suddenly Kochanski turns up. They turn to her with sinister, ingratiating smiles. Credits roll. Yes l



    ‘Yes I’



    Polymorph 1.5: The crew discover the second Polymorph in Lister’s clean underpants drawer. This causes them all to remember how shit Remastered was and they all die of a collective brain aneurysm.


    Pete Part Three

    We Wish You A Smeggy Christmas

    It’s Christmas Eve and Rimmer is refusing to allow Lister time-off from doing the annual cargo check to enjoy the yuletide season. Rimmer is also very rude to Hoagy the Roguey who’s now homeless and has to resort to performing christmas carols and giving hand-jobs to earn money.

    Later that night, Rimmer is haunted by the resurrected hologram of his brother Howard who urges him to change his uncharitable and grumpy ways. Rimmer refuses to listen. Howard engages the services of Lister and Kryten (played by Robert Llewellyn) to find out why Rimmer is such a cunt.

    Using magic, Lister takes Rimmer back to Christmas Past and a pre-accident Red Dwarf where they observe Young Rimmer avoiding the festivities shortly after the humiliation of Gazpacho Soup Day. They then see his heart being broken by Yvonne McGruder a few Christmases later. A tearful young Rimmer sings A Winter’s Tale by David Essex. The studio audience shift uncomfortably in their seats, but clap anyway.

    We return to the present where Kryten attempts to show Rimmer the magic and joy of Christmas Present. They all sit around the table and exchange dialogue about the inventor of formica for several minutes. It is very funny.

    Then the Grim Reaper (Ed Bye) arrives, warning Rimmer of his untimely demise in Christmas Future. Rimmer correctly points out that he’s already dead and the episode kind of ends abruptly without any real conclusion. After the end credits, Lister looks at the camera and says “Incidentally, a smeggy Christmas to all of you at home”.

    The Cat is absent from this episode as he doesn’t give a shit about Rimmer. Also Danny is involved in a contract dispute with Doug at the time.



    We Wish You A Smeggy Christmas Remastered: The Cat now appears in the episode by way of a greenscreened Danny John-Jules being composited into the opening scene.



    Barack In The Red: Part One

    When the crew stumble across a research facility that claims to have resurrected several former US presidents and cured them from evil, it’s up to the crew to decide whether to trust them or leave them to die from something that is suddenly going to coincidentally show up and kill them all in a few hours. Luckily, any moral ambiguity is eliminated when it turns out that was all bollocks and they’re all actually robots, or something.

    Baracus In The Red: Part Two

    On their way back from the facility, the bemused Boys From The Dwarf are stunned and delighted to realise that some mutated DVD-cleaning fluid brings their favourite TV shows to life, allowing much-loved fictional characters to step out of the screen and into reality. But when an A-Team marathon heralds the arrival of Bosco B.A. ‘Bad Attitude’ Baracus, he immediately deems the crew to all be fools and insists on pitying them incessantly until they all eat at least seventeen Snickers bars.

    Baraka In The Red: Part Three

    When the Snickers-engorged Dwarfers get trapped inside a malfunctioning AR machine during a session on Mortal Kombat II, they are quickly disemboweled by a bald man with cartoonishly large teeth and razor-sharp swords embedded in each arm.




    The crew discover Lister’s dear old gran floating through deep space in a stasis pod. She moves into the spare bedroom on Red Dwarf and spends all her time complaining and criticising the boys. One evening she finds Kryten’s rogue portable penis in the drawer of her bedside table and begins making use of its stimulating properties. Lister eventually learns of this and struggles to come to terms with the idea of his grandmother getting fucked by Kryten, even if Kryten wasn’t present or aware of this. Rimmer and Cat share a look that tacitly says ‘fucking hell, it’s turned into the Lister and Kryten Show again, how 1997’ and wander off to play cards in the green room until they’re needed on set again in a few years.



    ‘Cry Titty V’

    For the fifth night in a row, Kryten sobs wretchedly over the fact that Kochanski has breasts which are aesthetically appealing to Lister.



    ‘Cry Titty VI’

    Mrs Critcop overhears Cat’s savage comments about her breasts. It makes her sad.



    Quran Teen

    When the crew stumble across an abandoned deep-space academic research facility, discover a young Muslim scholar in stasis and decide to unfreeze her, the arses of viewers across the nation clench in unison as the audience realises that the show has decided to broach such a potentially controversial and complex topic.

    However, preconceptions are dashed after the the youthful theologist leads the episode into a thoughtful and nuanced discussion of Islam, its history and its place in the modern world.

    The only fly in the ointment is the arrival of Chris Barrie in a gingham dress with a penguin glove puppet, intent on ‘funnying up’ the episode while also providing a fanwanky callback to a much-loved classic-era story for the fifteenth episode in a row.



    “Pete Part Two”

    The Dwarfers feed a dinosaur some curry and it shits everywhere.



    CRACK TO REALITY: Lister snorts so much cocaine that he believes he’s a facist dictator on a dystopian Earth and none of his friends are real. it’s up to the rest of the Dwarfers to get him back to the Priory



    SACK TO REALITY: The show is referred to Ofcom.



    ‘Pension Sheet’

    Lister begins to worry about old age and opens an Excel document to keep track of his pension contributions. Meanwhile, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten find an abandoned baby in a stasis booth and try to keep it comfortable and alive, with hilariously unsuccessful results.



    ‘Fascist Leak’

    The crew encounter a scientific research facility where a clone of Mussolini has been kept in stasis after supposedly being cured of evil. Although apparently now nice, a side-effect of the treatment is that he is also incontinent. Meanwhile, Kryten becomes a wedding planner.



    ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Skutters’

    Rimmer has left his keys somewhere. But where?


    Pete Part Three

    Back to Earth 2049

    Cat and Kryten go shopping.

    (The plot has nothing to do with the recent Blade Runner movie, but there are lots of references to it anyway)



    The JMC sends Lister and Rimmer on a team building exercise.



    ‘The Last Gay’

    The crew find the stupid anti-criticism ship from Timewave smashed on an asteroid. Ziggy is the only survivor but his limbs are crushed beyond repair and he is in constant pain. The crew awkwardly debate among themselves whether smashing his skull in with one of the large rocks nearby would be considered a mercy killing or a homophobic attack.


    Pete Part Three

    Plot Hole

    Lister suddenly realises that he’s had his appendix removed twice and voices his concerns to Rimmer. Rimmer sympathises as he’s a bit confused about how exactly he saved the crew from that chameleonic microbe and how he’s now a hologram. Kryten deduces that a large amount of inconsistencies are being spewed into the universe by an ever-expanding plot hole. The Cat asks “so, what is it?” several times and we all die a little inside. Doug wanders onto the set, sticks his fingers in his ears and sings “la la laaa”



    Polymorph IV: The Final Chapter



    ‘Dimension Lump’

    All that hopping between dimensions has given Ace Rimmer pancreatic cancer.



    ‘Dimension Hump’

    Ace Rimmer gets crabs.



    CACK IN THE RED- Rimmer does a shit in his red uniform and so has to wear his green one for the rest of the day.

    yes it’s a prequel to The Inquisitor.


    Pete Part Three

    Dimension Trump

    Donald Trump arrives from another dimension. Everybody shits on his head. BAFTA winning episode.



    SHAQ IN THE RED: the nanobots have inexplicably resurrected the 2010 Boston Celtics basketball team. amongst them is professional basketballer Shaquille O’ Neal, who asks exactly why a mining ship had a basketball court in its secret prison, and why there were specifically-made uniforms for the guards and convicts. to stop him from poking any more holes in the plot, Lister flushes him out of an airlock, remarking “What an absolute Shaq.”



    LACK IN THE RED: Owing to a lack of red paint, Red Dwarf is repainted pink. Ziggy gets involved somehow because he’s gay.




    After the crew discover, name and take soil samples from a ‘Helium-7’-rich moon (Planet Rimmer), Starbug is hit by a Time Wave, bringing them into contact with a Twenty-Third Century ship, the S.S. Enconium. However, there are two problems. First, the ship is set on a horrific collision course with Planet Rimmer. And second, upon the ship, all forms of criticism are punishable by life imprisonment or ‘draining’.


    Pete Part Three

    Gove and Take

    Michael Gove turns up and treats everyone to his repetioir of topical jokes. Doug tells him to tone it down for fear of offending people.



    ‘Office Chair Rimmer’

    Who’s taken Rimmer’s lumbar support?



    ‘Red In The Cack’

    Oh dear, Lister’s got piles again.



    “Waiting for Gove”: Thrilling prequel to “Gove and Take”.



    “Cable TV”: A rival broadcaster to Krytie TV is set up by the leader of the Liberal Democrats.



    ‘Kry Sis’

    Kryten’s drug addict sister turns up, almost gets everyone killed, then dies.



    “Only the Gove…”: Dramatic conclusion to the trilogy.


    Pete Part Three


    The crew use a matter-paddle to travel to Earth in February 1999. They observe how audiences reacted to Series VIII.



    “Flack in the Red”: A crossover with “Love Island”.


    Pete Part Three

    Polymorph 2 : Lost in New York

    The Polymorph is back. But this time he’s in New York City with enough cash and credit cards to turn the Big Apple into his very own playground. But the Polymorph won’t be alone for long. The notorious Wet Bandits, Harry and Marv, still smarting from their last encounter with the Polymorph, are bound for New York too, plotting a huge holiday heist! The Polymorph’s ready to welcome them with more battery of booby traps the bumbling bandits will never forget!

    Featuring Dominique Moore as the female cat, with a cameo from Donald Trump as The Pussy Grabber.


    Pete Part Three

    Better Than Litigation

    Patrick Stewart begins legal proceedings against Red Dwarf.



    Captain’s Orifice: Rimmer becomes a model employee…

    Only joking!

    CGI Rimmer is shrunk down and goes on a fantasstic voyeurge up Hollister’s anus to unclog an artery or twelve.


    Pete Part Three

    Last Hummus

    The ship’s supply of hummus begins to run out. Leading to hilarious consequences.



    Better Than Fife

    When Rimmer takes up playing the flute, the rest of the crew remarks that hearing him practice is at least slightly more bearable than it was when he used to play a slightly smaller, piccolo-like instrument.




    The Dwarfers discover a new refrain for Seven Nation Army.




    When the crew travel back in time to the early 21st century, they are surprised to find how invasive airport security staff were in that era.





    Colon-y: It’s almost exactly the same as Captain’s Orifice but you can’t copyright an idea.



    The Fast Day

    As Lister and Rimmer get older, they begin to remark on how quickly time feels like it passes at their age.

    Meanwhile, Cat can’t eat for a full 24 hours because he imminently has to have a general anaesthetic for a lifesaving operation.


    Pete Part Three


    Kryten follows a distress call to a planet called Ahch-To, where a Jedi Knight called Luke Skywalker lives alone. When Rimmer sees him he sees not a Jedi but rather a cartoon character called The Joker. It emerges that the survivor is really a method actor called Mark Hamill who has been living in deep space for at least 30 years. Holly doesn’t see anything when she looks at him because her screen is dirty and also because I can’t think of anything else that Mark Hamill’s been in. Fuck off.



    Is Wing Commander really so easily forgotten?

    Oh yes, of course it is.



    Incontinence: It’s almost exactly the same as Captain’s Orifice but you can’t copyright an idea. Bloody EU.



    ‘Poke Me A Cripple’

    Lister owns up to having an amputee fetish.



    Skipper: The Dwarfers meet some UKIP voters, whom they refer to in quite casual terms.



    Holocracy: The Rimmer from VIII is resurrected as a hologram and there is a presidential election between him and the other Rimmer from I-VII and Back to Earth onwards, to decide who becomes Hologram President.




    When Kryten discovers that Rimmer has decided to run for machine president, he tries to encourage Archie to join the race as well.




    Professor E is back, only this time she’s an even bigger, stupider primate. Rimmer still tries to fuck her though.



    Catocracy: There is an election to decide who becomes Cat President. Cat is the only candidate and is elected unopposed due to the fact that nobody else gives a shit.




    Direct sequel to Kryten. Just thirty minutes of Kryten (played by the child of David Ross and Robert Llewellyn) riding the space bike, flipping off Red Dwarf the entire time. He keeps saying funny insults about Rimmer, and this enrages fans because we shouldn’t be able to hear this in space. It ends with Kryten slamming into an asteroid, then a shocking scene where Lister, upon discovering the body, doesn’t reconstruct Kryten, but instead goes down to the cargo decks and reprograms a mechanoid (played



    Apparently, Kryten II also has a bit of a lackluster ending, as usual.



    ‘Better Than Leith’

    Kochanski decides the warm cushion of heroin addiction is preferable to the reality of Edinburgh in the late 20th century. Back on Red Dwarf, a mouse has eaten all the icing sugar!



    Captainocracy: Captain Hollister decides to run in the election for Captain of Red Dwarf. The election is cancelled when everyone remembers he already holds this position anyway.




    It turns out that Sam Murray was not gay but instead pansexual, and ends up dating a nice computer engineer called Sara. They end up creating a karma drive on board Red Dwarf by accident, then program it wrong so that it wipes out the whole crew in a radiation leak, but not before a scene praised by Twitter as thw best Red Dwarf has done yet where Sam gets caught by Sara using a pan handle as a dildo.



    Better Than Leith II: Bake Off finds a judge who doesn’t accidentally tweet the winner’s name ten hours early.




    The Dwarfers accidentally turn Pete into a macaw that slowly takes over the ship for no sensible reason allowing for a lot of jokes with no audience reaction whatsoever about ‘the pecking order.’



    Kochansocracy: Clare Grogan, Chloe Annett and Dona DiStefano run for election to the position of Kochanski, with the winner being retroactively edited into the losers’ episodes.




    Cat starts wetting the bed and is forced to use an alarmed rubber bedsheet in an attempt to cure the problem. Meanwhile, Rimmer tried to select an appropriate typeface for his new hologrammatic H.




    Rimmer gets a hold of a quantum stripper and starts stripping through time and space, causing eyes to have been an evolutionary disadvantage, thus resulting in sight no longer existing.



    OUT OF TIM- The crew encounter the Tim Drive. it turns them all into Tim McInnery.




    Lister accidentally contracts sentient skin. It gets really annoyed whenever he jacks off, tries to keep him in the shower all the time, and occasionally just trying to leave Lister. Eventually, it turns him a really pasty white, which stays in his DNA once they’ve got his old skin back, explaining why his mech body was that color in Siliconia.



    THE LUST DAY- The crew all take a swig of the sexual magnetism virus and fuck each other senseless for 24 hours.



    Toastocracy: Talkie Toaster runs for the position of Toast President. The election is cancelled when everyone realises that slices of toast are not sentient and none of them can vote.




    Sequel to Sam Sara. It turns out Sam wasn’t dead, and he comes back to Red Dwarf. With the highest rank on the ship, they are effectively taken over by the pan-dildoing Sam. Since Doug doesn’t know any good pansexual stereotypes, he jist writes Sam as really camp anyways.


    Dollar Pound

    the crew all die of a radiation leak. again. the whole show so far has just been a massive preamble for a story about a family of weevils




    Lister comes crashing into Rimmer’s snowy backside. He has to eat ‘dog food’ and his guitar, the model soldiers, and Rimmer’s chest all get involved.



    Red Dwarf XII II (Parts One, Two and Three): Kryten is ineligible to run for re-election as Machine President due to term limits, so an open primary is held for his party’s candidate. The primary is won by a version of Donald Trump who has been cured of evil, only for it to turn out that he is actually the real Donald Trump, who has come to the future via a time wave. Rimmer decides to skip to a parallel universe where Donald Trump has never sought any elected office of any kind, only to be turned into an invisible mechanoid.




    Lister, who loves curry, runs out of curry supplies and asks Kryten if he can locate some. Kryten nips across to the girly parallel universe, butchers Jim and Bexley, returns with their corpses and curries them. Lister loves curry. Just before Lister tucks in, he asks Kryten what the curry is made from, and Kryten is completely honest, but despite feeling a little guilty Lister eats his curried sons anyway – he just loves curry THAT much! Lister loves curry. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Cat can’t solve the final crossword clue.



    All the holograms on the Holoship Enlightenment start reporting their crewmates for coercing them into having inappropriate sexual contact during the early 90s by applying the pressure of ‘ship regulations’ and ‘good etiquette’. Reputations are ruined and careers are quite rightly destroyed. Back on Red Dwarf, Kryten tries to grow a moustache.






    OUR OBOROS: The crew find a woman known as Oboro in stasis. She was the granddaughter of Ogen and therefore the rightful princess of the Iga Tsubagakure clan. She was engaged to Gennosuke Kouga and was one of the ten ninja picked by her grandmother to represent Iga in the battle against the Kouga. After the death of her grandmother Ogen, Oboro ascends to take leadership of the clan, but due to her passive demeanor soon finds her authority usurped by Tenzen Yakushiji. She is considered a poor leader to the Iga clan.


    Dollar Pound


    kryten decides to pack it in and go back to flogging condos



    Mechxit: Kryten holds an ill-advised referendum on whether Red Dwarf should remain a part of the Jupiter Mining Corporation or leave the JMC, then fucks off when he loses.


    Dollar Pound


    all sarongs get all over starbug’s windscreen so they can’t see shit. cat just stands up and goes ‘fuck this this is bollucks’ and walks out.


    Ben Saunders

    Rimmer tries to convince everybody that the latest episode of their favorite TV show was, in fact, shite, despite everybody else loving it. They all think he’s a boring old sod but he believes his arguments to be foolproof. The episode lasts two weeks.




    In the backwards universe, the crew stumble across a spelling bee and contemplate the purpose of such a competition in such a universe, if you just start with one person and anybody who feels like it just runs on stage, but then they Rimmer and Kryten get on stage as soon as they see that nosmailliW bocaJ is competing. Meanwhile, Cat suddenly doesn’t know how to spell a single word, so Lister has to teach him.


    Ben Saunders

    Who is Jacob Williamson?



    Tanks For The Memory

    Kryten suddenly wakes in a cold sweat and feels intensely embarrassed as he remembers that awful bit from Series VII where he used military equipment to blow up Jane Austen world, or whatever the fuck it was.



    Tranqs For The Memory

    In order to subdue the distressed Kryten, the crew tranquillises him. But due to Rimmer accidentally over-estimating the dose by a factor of 100, Kryten is left effectively lobotomised. For ever.



    Trank For The Memory

    To distract themselves from the shame of breaking Kryten’s mind, the crew decide to watch the new rebooted Fantastic Four movie. Imagine their disappointment when they see what a crock of shit it was.



    Hanks For The Memory

    Everyone in the crew renames themself Henry. For some reason. To paper over the weaknesses in the script, there are several needless callbacks to ‘the Om song’.



    Banks For The Memory

    When Lister decides to put his art school training to good use by becoming an enigmatic guerilla artist whose graffiti-based works are not as funny, clever or original as he thinks they are, no-one in the crew has got the heart to tell him that it’s all a bit juvenile and shit.



    WANKS FOR THE MEMORY- Lister has a really good wank while remembering that time he kissed Rimmer. He ejaculates all over the bedsheets, creating the ultimate laundry challenge for Kryten.


    Pete Part Three

    Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory

    Kryten stumbles on a fantastic way of restoring an amnesiac Lister’s memories when he finds a portal back to the Blade Runner cocksuck reality. He raids the sci-fi shop of Red Dwarf DVDs and shows them to Lister. Unfortunately, the Series 2 DVD is slightly scratched, so it’s up to Rimmer to recount the memory of the memory of Lise Yates.


    Pete Part Three

    Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory

    Kryten loses his memory of the previous episode. Lister and Rimmer fill in the blanks for him.


    Pete Part Three

    Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory

    Rimmer’s light-bee goes wrong and they need to restore his personality from a backup. Lister and Kryten explain what’s been going on recently.



    Pranks For The Memory

    Rimmer decides to get one over on Lister by balancing a bucket of water on top of the door to the sleeping quarters and then waiting for him to walk in. However, after a couple of hours pass, Rimmer forgets the bucket was there, walks into the sleeping quarters himself, and… well, there are hilarious consequences, let’s just say that.



    Shabba Ranks For The Memory

    When ‘Mr Loverman’ becomes the new earworm for the crew of Red Dwarf, there’s a rush to get to the memory-erasing machine and eradicate all knowledge of the eponymous artist’s oeuvre.



    Uncle Franks For The Memory

    Rimmer reminisces about his first kiss again.



    Mechxit – Referendum II: Sir Vince Cable, guest-starring as himself, persuades the machines to hold a second referendum on leaving the JMC.



    ‘Solo Hip’

    Kryten smashes half of Lister’s pelvis and amputates the entire leg to make him completely physically dependent on him. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Cat can’t agree on a new pair of curtains for the Drive Room.


    Pete Part Three

    Beyond a Choke

    Lister develops an interest in erotic asphyxiation. Leading to hilarious consequences. Also death.



    Beyond a Yolk: The dinosaur egg from the end of Pete Part Two is washed up on a time wave. Reality cannot cope with this combination of two shit episodes and folds in upon itself, destroying the entire universe.


    Pete Part Three

    Beyond a Bloke

    Lister takes Kochanski for a drive in Starbug, gets lost but is too embarrassed to ask for directions. Kochanski tuts,




    After being tricked into fucking another Polymorph, Cat contracts HIV but ignores a variety of increasingly alarming symptoms for several years, eventually developing full-blown AIDS. His immune system fatally compromised, he starts showing signs of Kaposi’s Sarcoma, losing several kilos of weight and developing a large, purple skin lesion on his cheek, Meanwhile, Lister and Kochanski are giving it yet another go, but can their relationship survive Rimmer’s karaoke night at Parrot’s?



    Kochanski tuts,




    Rob Grant goes around and eats all the Dave era episodes.




    Clochanski tuts, then Tutankhamun cloches.




    Desperate for a curry, even a mild one, Lister sees Camille as a chicken korma and eats her. Meanwhile, Cat gets neutered.



    Camilleocracy: An election is held to decide which form Camille should take permanently.



    ‘Thanks For The Mammary’

    A deranged medibot gives Kochanski a masectomy, so the crew nip back in time three days to discreetly steal her pre-op breasts from her former self. Meanwhile, Rimmer accidentally joins Grindr.


    Pete Part Three


    The crew travel to Russia in the 20th century where they meet the anthropologist Dmitry Nikolayevich Anuchin. Kryten accidentally stabs him 9 times so they have to take him back to Red Dwarf and replace his gall bladder or something. Leading to hilarious consequences, I’d imagine.



    Toysrus: Festive episode in which the Dwarfers take care of a baby mech who has been delivered to the wrong address.

    Or has it?




    Tabby Ranks For The Memory



    ‘Black In The Red’

    The mining ship Red Dwarf holds a Jamaican-Indo-Ghanian fusion banquet to welcome Dave Lister, its first ever non-white crew member. Meanwhile, Todhunter, still concealing his severe depression, makes plans to end his own life.


    Ben Saunders

    [blockquote]Kochanski’s tits,[/blockquote]


    Ben Saunders

    BLOCKQUOTE: Rimmer doesn’t know how to quote somebody on a popular sci-fi forum and repeatedly makes an arse of himself



    OUT OF LIME- Lister has run out of limes for his tequila slammers, and so goes down to the shops to buy some more.



    OUT OF PINEY SHINE- Kryten has run out of Piney Shine and so goes down to the shops to buy some more.



    OUT OF RHYME: Rimmer and Lister are forced to compete in an episode of Len Goodman’s Partners in Rhyme.


    Dollar Pound


    the crew’s thoughtless regifting leads to kryten recieving the cloche he gave to lister on his birthday as a christmas present from rimmer. kryten is obviously really upset, insisting he is fine but unable to meet anyone’s eye even for a moment


    they all chip in to buy the sod a melon tree and hope he gets over it


    Dollar Pound


    cat starts having a go at everyone’s hypothetical wife




    Kochanski is fuckin furious that nobody believes she comes from Glasgow anymore. Meanwhile, will Kryten remember the correct placing of cutlery when laying the table before Rimmer’s birthday banquet?


    International Debris

    This thread has doubled in size since yesterday.



    ‘Thanks For The Mammary’

    A deranged medibot gives Kochanski a masectomy, so the crew nip back in time three days to discreetly steal her pre-op breasts from her former self. Meanwhile, Rimmer accidentally joins Grindr.

    so the crew nip back in time



    Ben Saunders

    The altercation with our future episode ideas caused dimensional anomalies which have expanded this thread by 212%


    Ben Saunders

    SLASH: Rimmer accidentally joins Grindr, to find that the only other remaining active member of the app is… Dave Lister


    Dollar Pound


    bottle episode. rimmer loses his pen


    Dollar Pound


    he slips over the pen and does his back in




    Rimmer joins the pen club and finds out that he is the fifteenth member.




    The crew disagree over the precise hue of their spaceship.




    The crew end up all in hiding and tracking each other around the ship attempting to murder each other over whether M-Corp has anything to do with the Mega Corps from Samsara.



    ‘D ‘n’ A’

    Dave and Arnold are colleagues with a mutual dislike of the other’s habits and characteristics, but underpinned by a strange affection borne of familiarity and shared experience. Are they friends or are they enemies? They’re frenemies! Meanwhile, Kryten can’t believe there’s human faeces in Sparehead Two’s mouth again.



    ‘Silly Cone-y Her’

    The main female mechanoid on the MILF ship has Camillesque breast implants. Meanwhile, Cat likes fish.



    ‘Silly Cone Ear’

    The new Kryten mask is really fucking terrible. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Lister have some fun working out derogatory acrostics based on the names of the rest of the crew.



    FATHERS AND GUNS- Lister nicks Rimmer’s duelling pistols and attempts a mexican standoff with his dad. he just ends up shooting himself



    Heil Hogey I’m Home:

    Hogey the Roguey and Hitler-Bot move in next door to Rimmer and Lister. Hogey invites his boss for dinner but Hitler can’t make it so Lister has to pretend to be Hitler. Meanwhile Cat gets a tattoo.

    Directed by Juliet May.




    Hogey is finally crushed through the hole in the old bunkroom, no longer acting as a plug. Everything leaks out into space. Can they plug the hole before – oh wait, they’ve already been spaced. Whoops.




    The polymorph assumes the form of a nun in order to teach music at an inner-city school.




    Rimmer tries jelqing.




    The crew discover a space station manned by a right bunch of numpties.




    The crew discover a research facility where clones of various celebrities and historical figures have been kept in stasis. The eponymous motorcycle stunt performer is not among them.




    A day in the degrading life of Red Dwarf’s downtrodden Pleasure GELF as various men ejaculate over her. Meanwhile, Rimmer bets Lister $£20 that he can’t go a whole day without saying smeg.




    The Dwarfers stumble across a concentration camp for homosexual males. None of them really know how to act around these noble, different, waspish, tragic men, but ‘awkwardly’ is a good start. Meanwhile, Kochanski’s turned bridezilla – but who’s the groom?



    IRAQ IN THE RED- The crew discover the entire Republic of Iraq hidden away on Floor 13. it has never been mentioned before and will never be mentioned again. Lister ponders if it would’ve been better to not just haphazardly shoehorn ideas in in such a way.



    THE INQUISITOR- lister is stopped in the street by a man who asks him a series of questions. he says he is conducting a “quick survey” that will “only take 5 minutes”

    three weeks pass. lister is beginning to get restless.




    I renominate this thread for hall of fame status. Now, I know that something can only be in the hall of fame once, but it seemed so important that it was worth mentioning twice.




    The crew stumble across a time portal that sends them to a small town in greater Manchester in the year 2374. Where criticism is banned.




    Someone has done a shit in the service tunnels, but who? Kryten has a ‘best guess’, but will anyone believe him? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s removal of all the bog roll means that everyone discovers what shirt tails are for.




    When Kryten declares his secret lifelong dream to swim with dolphins, the rest of the crew decide it’s up to them to make it happen. But the series 4000 isn’t waterproof is it? Luckily Ace Rimmer arrives to save the day just before Kryten dies in a rusting waterlogged mess.




    Kochanski’s newborn suffers cot death while she’s looking for some cream cheese. Driven mad with grief, she swaps the baby’s corpse with a Skutter and pretends everything is normal. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Cat bond over fascist fashion.



    Hologrammica: The crew are kidnapped by the World Hologram Organisation Rebel Ensemble, who turn Kryten, Cat and Lister into holograms. They don’t give Rimmer a new life of luxury because he’s such a twat.



    ‘The Inquisitart’

    The crew encounter a space prostitute and start regularly using her to ease their sexual frustrations until she forces them to examine their disposable attitudes towards the opposite sex and then stare at their blank, dead-eyed reflections after each sexual act. She tries to wipe their semen from history but Kryten’s oily mix proves somewhat difficult to shift. Meanwhile, Holly’s using again.


    Pete Part Three


    The crew go to a quarry in England in the 21st century and remark how much more realistic it looks than Planet Rimmer. Meanwhile, Lister’s attempts at DIY go comically awry.



    ‘Gonorrhoea Of The Apocalypse’

    Three episodes after Nirvanah Crane tells Rimmer that, as holograms, they’re not at risk of disease, Rimmer picks up a virus from another hologram. Nirvanah subsequently gets in touch to casually suggest that he might want to get himself checked out. ‘They’re all floppy-titted bitches,’ says Cat, helpfully. Meanwhile, things are getting a little fraught at Kochanski’s book club!


    Pete Part Three


    Red Dwarf is haunted by the banshee moans of a former crew member.



    ‘Feature Echoes’

    The Dwarfers log in to their favourite fansite to find that the articles are getting a little repetitive. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Kochanski start rival choirs. Guest starring Gareth Malone.




    The crew visit an alternate dimension where Frankenstein was a gecko, and warlike lizard people have taken over Red Dwarf. But not all of them are bad guys. Meanwhile Kochanski’s scratchcard addiction is getting out of hand. Guest starring Vas Blackwood as Glen.



    ‘Tight Hole’

    Lister pesters Kochanski for anal sex, but will she turn the tables on him? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s belief system is severely challenged when he realises God is made up. Guest starring Martin Clunes as Voice of the Strap-On.



    FUTURAMA ECHOES- The crew sees visions of a show that has a similar premise to theirs. Rimmer tries to start an argument about which show is better, but everybody tells him to fuck off.




    The crew get picked up by the Snack Machine United Team, who immediately arrest them and turn them into snack dispensers for having kept Snacky off-screen for the last fifteen episodes. Meanwhile, Snacky gets treated to a life of luxury where he never has to run out of pretzels, but he becomes increasingly annoyed with the SMUT for not letting him practice his new hobbies because they are ‘unfit for an organism of such high class.’ Also, Rimmer in his snack machine form starts growing endless breasts.



    LIVERPUDLIA (aka The One Where Everyone’s Lister)

    When a malfunction in Red Dwarf’s hologram personality files accidentally transmits Lister’s brainwaves to everyone in the crew, they all end up EATING LOTS OF CURRY and PLAYING THE GUITAR BADLY and SAYING SMEG until the episode ends 26 minutes later.



    LIVERPUDLIA (aka The One Where Everyone’s Lister)




    Catica: Rimmer, Kryten and Lister are all turned into cat people. It has no discernible shift in the status quo whatsoever except for the fact that they all have to wear prosthetic fangs for the rest of the series and beyond.




    When a mysterious new ship suddenly appears next to Red Dwarf, our four heroes are bemused to find that it is staffed exclusively by disembodied heads on TV screens. They quickly reboot Holly, who immediately falls in love with one of the new ship’s crew and expresses a desire to join them. But they don’t want him because he’s shit. Meanwhile, Cat has lost his trousers.



    Taiwanicaocracy: All of the crew are turned into Taiwan Tony, then have an election to decide whose accent is the most racist.




    Award-winning episode in which Lister and Rimmer take a road trip on a version of Earth where time runs sideways.



    Forwards: The Dwarfers land on a version of Earth where time runs the correct way. The later DVD special feature, “Forwards Backwards”, is widely criticised for being completely pointless.


    Dollar Pound



    Pete Part Three


    Lister, Rimmer and the Cat are turned into Formica tables. Fortunately, Lister uses his expert knowledge to get them out of this pickle. Meanwhile, Talkie Toaster receives an invitation to a school reunion.



    Kochansika: The crew are all turned into versions of Kochanski. The episode abruptly ends 15 minutes in when Doug realises it’s basically the same as Parallel Universe, and the rest of the timeslot is taken up with a secretly filmed video of Norman Lovett on the toilet.


    Pete Part Three

    Grope Me A Pippa

    Ace Rimmer travels to this dimension and becomes obsessed with Pippa Middleton. Can he control his busy hands?


    Dollar Pound


    i wanted to do something with taiwan but got mixed up with thailand


    Dollar Pound


    pete buys some noodles from taiwan tony and it costs 2 yen. the next day he buys the same noodles for 1 yen. tony gets annoyed and pete explains that it’s exchange rate fluctuations. tony says ‘flucktueuropeans as well, then’




    Rimmer gets stranded on a planet for 600 years and creates a load of clones of himself who go about slaughtering all the local prostitutes. Meanwhile, that video Pree made in college comes back to haunt her. Guest starring Celia Imrie and Susie Blake as Trixie and Goggins.



    “Pete Part Three”

    Guest staring Pete Martin.


    Pete Part Three

    Waiting For Rob

    It’s April Fool’s Day and Red Dwarf XIII is in pre-production. Ganymede and Titan publish a news story which is taken seriously by several Red Dwarf fans who gather outside the Grant Naylor offices In anticipation.



    BACKWOODS- The crew are teleported into a forest. Cat begins to eat branches and moss, until Lister tells him to stop.



    PURR-ALLEL MEWNIVERSE: The crew get transported to a universe where they are all cats. except Cat, who is a fish for some reason and not a human as you may have expected.



    I’d just like to say that most of these posts are very silly and clever.
    BUT. There have been a few episode outlines on here that I’ve found a bit uncomfortable and in poor taste. Just saying.

    Sorry, carry on.



    Well now I don’t know HOW to pitch it.



    I’d just like to say that most of these posts are very silly and clever.

    BUT. There have been a few episode outlines on here that I’ve found a bit uncomfortable and in poor taste. Just saying.

    Sorry, carry on.

    If these were perhaps my Sam Murray ones, I was attempting to replicate the poor taste of Timewave. I’m sorry if I wasn’t as competent with that as I could have been. And if it was many of my other posts, sorry about them as well, probably something similar.



    i think most of mine were pretty clean



    Dollar Pound’s ones were the funniest, i think




    The crew visit an alternate 20th century Taiwan where accents are illegal.



    ‘Teacup To Ride’

    The Dwarfers go to the fairground and ride the teacups. Meanwhile, Dr McLaren’s kill list is growing longer by the day.



    ARMITAGE SHANKS FOR THE MEMORY: lister gives rimmer the memory of every shit he’s ever taken. the rest of the episode is just rimmer sobbing inside a cupboard



    TIKKA TOO WIDE: lister orders a curry so big that he can’t eat it all so he just bathes in it instead


    Dollar Pound


    it’s a thursday and the crew help kryten with the laundry and then watch tv. meanwhile hogey the roguey is in a different part of the ship and somehow gets both his feet stuck in buckets and is screaming blue bloody murder because also he’s got bits of tape stuck to his hands that he’s too irritated to detach properly and so he just keeps violently flicking his hands which doesn’t work whilst simultaneously trying to get the buckets off just with his feet


    Dollar Pound


    kryten shrinks one of cat’s suits because cat changes the settings when kryten isn’t looking which is kryten’s fault. cat is so angry he takes revenge. the next night when kryten’s doing the laundry, he sneaks in and changes the settings and fucks up all his other suits



    ‘Oooh, Rob! Whore Us!’

    Chris, Chloe and Norman approach Rob Grant and ask him to act as their pimp. Rob is only interested if they can get lean, sexy Danny on board, but he’s got regular work on Death In Paradise and doesn’t need the money. Meanwhile, Lister can’t get a golf club membership.




    Lister really feels the passion flowing now that Rimmer is gone, so Kryten tries to calm his libido by making him go through a simulation






    Green: The Dwarfers all join the Green Party. There’s then an election of some kind because apparently that’s now a running joke I’m doing.



    Yellow: Something to do with piss probably


    Dollar Pound


    nice title – what happens in this one?


    Paul Muller

    You guys have been…busy.


    ‘Hanks for the Memory’

    Rimmer and Cat sit down to watch the 1998 romantic comedy ‘You’ve got Mail’. Afterwards, an argument ensues over Tom Hank’s AOL chatroom screen-name.

    Cat is convinced it’s ‘NY153’, while Rimmer is certain it’s ‘NY135’. They decide to rewind the VHS tape and check, but it get caught in the spool and is irreparably damaged.

    They realise that they have destroyed the only copy of ‘You’ve Got Mail’ in the Universe – but the crew manage to find a functioning time drive on a nearby derelict and travel back to Los Angeles, 1997 where they sneak into the Warner Bros production office, intending to steal a shooting script for the movie.

    On the way in they accidentally push Tom Hanks out of a sixth storey window and he falls to his death. The production is cancelled and consequently the crew return to a timeline where ‘You’ve Got Mail’ was never released at all.

    Everyone stands around looking confused. Roll credits.


    Dollar Pound


    lister puts a pink mask on and no one says anything. then johnny vegas puts on a pink hat and everyone totally freaks out


    Dollar Pound


    alternative title to LEMONS come up with by kryten




    The Dwarfers briefly travel to 23 AD Britain without any needless trips to India.




    In what is by far the best episode of series VIII, the crew encounter a computer that is able to predict EXACTLY when each of them will next need toilet roll.



    ONLY THE GOODOCRACY: An election is held amongst the inmates in the Tank to see who should become Big Meat’s prison bitch.




    Ace Rimmer is incredibly grateful when someone finally bothers to actually smoke him a kipper, as requested. Keeping up his side of the bargain, he returns promptly in time for breakfast.




    Lister encounters a sentient pancake who speaks with a really annoying accent that makes you want to put your foot through the television every time it speaks.




    Nigel Farage is burnt at the stake.



    The actual twat is happening??????


    Lister and the crew become trapped in a VR simulation of a deranged message board from the early 21st Century, brought to life, where the posters’ every whim (and, indeed, quim) are met, not unlike a certain total-immersion videogame from a previous encounter. However, this time, instead of his own warped psyche putting the Dwarfers in danger, Rimmer finds himself at the mercy of the deeply depraved Doom-mongers while Lister wonders why everyone suddenly needs a slash…meanwhile, the Cat rolls around in his own doings to avoid passing the smell test and Kryten manages to break out of the board only to find himself in a place where the horrors multiply tenfold…mumsnet. :o



    DIMENSION KRUMP- lister gets so into freestyle street dancing that he is able to cross dimensions, somehow. now its up to the dwarfers to learn how to krump




    Still reeling from the untimely death of her troubled teenage son, Doc Newton channels her energies into an outreach programme designed to deter solvent abuse among the young on board ship. After Captain Hollister refuses to fund the programme, Newton tirelessly takes on all the extra work herself, giving up evenings and weekends to speak to youth groups, spread awareness and counsel substance abusers face to face. Six months later, her efforts have not made the slightest difference to the levels of solvent abuse on board ship, except to raise further awareness of it as a mildly distracting recreational pasttime and introducing new demographics to the hobby. Completely discouraged, and still struggling to cope with Ryan’s overdose, she slashes her wrists in the main water tank. Meanwhile, Cat and Kryten’s enamel pin collecting becomes a little TOO competitive!



    Meanwhile, Cat and Kryten’s enamel pin collecting becomes a little TOO competitive!

    The awful thing is that this genuinely was a subplot in a later-day Simpsons episode from a few years back.



    ONLY THE FOOD…- red dwarf is slowly being eaten away by a highly corrosive microbe so hollister evacuates alone with all the ship’s food supplies, leaving the rest of the crew to either starve to death or get eaten by the microbe.

    luckily hollister comes back a day later. he has eaten all the food supplies but is still hungry and so proceeds to devour the microbe, the crew, and himself. the status quo is restored. now it’s up to the dwarfers to just carry on like VIII never even happened




    Halloween special guest starring Marek Larwood as Sandy the Astro-ghost.



    BACK IN THE UNFED- captain hollister goes on a diet in the secret hopes that doug will stop treating him like a walking fat joke

    guest starring ardal o hanlon




    After a heavy night of curry and lager, an ageing Lister wakes up to discover that his bowels have evacuated during the night.




    When the glue attaching Chris Barrie’s wig to his head comes unstuck, Rimmer starts being regularly mistaken for Yul Brynner, as he is bald, and his head glimmers.


    Pete Part Three

    Mika to Ride

    The crew travel to 2006 and teach popstar Mika how to ride a pony. Meanwhile, Red Dwarf blows up and everyone dies.




    The crew travel to an alternate dimension where they are all female, and discover that this version of Red Dwarf also has a racist-accented vending machine.



    CAN OF WORDS- lister eats some alphabetti spaghetti


    Pete Part Three

    Thanks for the Vasectomy

    Lister decides that he’s done such a bad job of bringing himself up, that the responsible thing to do is to have an operation and stop having any more children. Unfortunately, his son takes the news as a slight on his character and runs off, telling himself he wishes he’d never been born.




    Lister becomes addicted to the video game Worms. Meanwhile Kryten’s bum falls off.



    Sport Relief sketch. Rimmer finally gets his Gold swimming certificate with the help of special guest star Duncan Goodhew.


    Pete Part Three

    A Spooky Affair

    While participating in the Johnny Sands Dance Game Show at the local TV station, the Dwarfers encounter a phantom made of wax, who steals a safe full of money and kidnaps the station manager. Is the phantom a hoax, or the result of a curse of an old employee seeking revenge? It’s the first one. Obviously.



    ‘Semen and Dangles’

    The semen-producing members of the crew stop producing semen in their dangles. As a consequence Kryten has far less to do. Meanwhile, Kochanski starts producing semen in her melons.



    D Hen A

    It’s Holly’s hen night and the gals are out on the town like a pack of rabid jackals, but tensions and womanny rivalries look set to make the night memorable for all the WRONG reasons! Harrison still blames Carole Brown for Todhunter’s suicide attempt, but will she finally let on? Aniter, Hologram Camille and Sim Crawford have a strict ‘no men’ pact for the night, but Hologram Camille’s recent realisations about her sexuality lead her into an enlightening encounter with Natalina Pushkin instead. Nirvanah Crane still hasn’t forgiven Doc Newton for misdiagnosing her cervical cancer, but will she make good on her threat to report the troubled doctor for malpractice – and is tonight the night to do it? In the ladies’ toilets, Holly herself isn’t even sure if she’s ready for marriage, or even if she still wants to be a woman. Will a heart-to-heart with Caroline Carmen, Irene E, Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech and Woman In Cafe With Eclair settle her nerves? Back on the Dwarf, Kochanski bitches about not being invited and, in a last-ditch attempt to derail the whole affair, Kryten eats everyone’s cufflinks.


    Pete Part Three


    The crew head off in Starbug in search of the second Cat Ark. Instead they find an Ark with hundreds of pairs of animals in it. The captain of the ship is a geordie called Noah, but it’s not *that* Noah, because otherwise people might get upset. Meanwhile, Camille returns…with Kryten’s secret lovechild.




    Ace Rimmer arrives and tells a mediocre-at-best ‘yo momma’ joke to Rimmer, who agrees, failing to see the irony in the joke.



    DIMENSION PUMP- ace rimmer travels the multiverse looking for a bicycle pump so he can fix his flat tyre




    Ace Rimmer is permanently in a bit of a mard after he can’t get his wig to sit straight.



    Dimension Mugwump: Boris Johnson arrives from a parallel dimension. He is played by Steven Wickham.


    Pete Part Three

    Detention Jump

    Five humanoids from different walks of life endure prison sentence under a power-hungry Captain Hollister. The disparate group includes rebel Dave, princess Krissie, outcast Arnold, brainy Kryten and Cat the, er, cat. Each has a chance to tell his or her story, making the others see them a little differently — and when Series VIII ends, they question whether Red Dwarf will ever be the same.



    MECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-OCRACY- the gelfs elect a new leader



    TWENTIKKA- lister eats 20 curries and feels a bit sick. now it’s up to the dwarfers to take care of him until he feels better



    M-Wave: Red Dwarf is hit by the titular wave, turning everything and everyone invisible. The remaining 26 minutes are just a blank screen. The episode ends very abruptly.




    A wave hits the ship which turns them all into gay mechs. They all screw each other every which way in the next 25 minutes. When the episode ends, they are still all mechs, but it is implied through an obscure line early in the episode that the wave will somehow come back and turn them back into their old selves.




    The Dwarfers travel back in time to an alternative America where the great depression is occurring, but instead of everybody being poor they’re actually all just depressed.


    Dollar Pound


    lister misses rimmer bad. but it’s alright, it’s not series vii, he’s just gone to the holobog, he’ll be back in a minute. meanwhile kryten makes a roux




    After an encounter with some angry simulants, Starbug is set on a course to crash into a lava planet or something, Lister (played by Tex Rimmer), Rimmer (played by Tex Rimmer), Cat (played by Tex Rimmer), and Kryten (played by Texert Rrimerryn), must travel into a wild west simulation to battle the four horsemen of the apocalypse (all played by “Weird Al” Yankovic).




    Exactly the same episode as Gunmen, but with Alpacas.

    Wait, that’s stupid. They would have to be rising Llamas instead.



    Well that typo is unfortunate.




    Lister tries to clone all the members from Smeg and the Heads, but is struggling, so tries to get Kryten’s help. Meanwhile, Cat and Rimmer try but hilariously fail to flush Lister’s guitar back out into space. Will Lister be able to clone the band in time to stop them and make it to the concert he’s scheduled for next week?


    It turns out that the other members of Smeg and the Heads were too genetically unstable to be cloned. Can he brainwash the others to join for the concert next week? Meanwhile, Kill Crazy goes on a hilarious murderous rampage.


    He did it. The whole 1169 crew of Red Dwarf (they’re all holograms now and the ship’s power slowly drains permanently throughout the episode) play the Om song for 27 minutes. The opening and closing credits are replaced by the Om song for comic effect.




    The boys sit patiently around, wondering if the archives of all the old threads from the off-topic section of a forum they used to frequent will ever be published.




    The Dwarfers become religious, and start praying, but God is getting older and wants them to speak more clearly.




    Cat opens an ice rink where the entry fee is paid in fish.




    Captain Hollister is replaced by Captain Pucker, who is quite literally just a giant anus, and keeps calling Rimmer down to his office because they get along quite well due to their major similarities.



    THE AND:

    Cat watches an educational video about conjunctions. Meanwhile, Lister, Kryten, and Rimmer point out that butter contains the word but, which is a conjunction.




    Cat trolls a bearded lady.



    Mac In The Dead In The Bed In The Shed

    The beloved Captain Hollister actor is forced to sleep in the outhouse when his wife discovers he’s been having an affair with George McIntyre. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Cat both want to be the racing car.



    Faces Leak

    Kochanski’s watching Now Voyager and Lister’s got rhinitis, but things turn competitive when she bets that she can cry more tears by cubic volume than he can produce snot. Meanwhile, an increasingly agitated Dr McLaren ends another difficult day by signing a rifle out of the munitions store and staring at it for several hours.


    Ben Saunders




    STASIS LEEK- lister discovers some delicious leeks in stasis. now its up to the dwarfers to eat them for supper



    SLATING FOR GOD- lister slates God’s roof but He doesn’t think they’ve done a good job. now its up to the dwarfers to slate the roof (again)




    Lister wakes up just in time to discover that the main Red Dwarf rail line goes right through his bunk. His whole lifestyle is upended when he can’t hang around his bed during the day. He can’t move bunks since they’re still all contaminated and Kryten is off in Blue Midget searching for Kochanski because there were life signs on a planet in the solar system they’re in but they can’t figure out which one. He’ll have to spend more time in the sofa nearby, and he can’t hear the TV whenever the train passes.




    All four Dwarfers discover that they are each simultaneously having an affair with the erstwhile star of Gladiators and Shooting Stars.


    Ben Paddon


    Rimmer and Lister find themselves stranded on a snowy planet with the members of an American pop-rock band, and promptly walk out into the frozen wastes, opting to freeze to death rather than have to listen to yet another rendition of “This Love”.



    SNACK TO REALITY- lister is playing a VR game but leaves for a bit to get some snacks



    MMM-CORE: lister eats a whole apple, even the core!



    RED DWARF AND THE HEDGEHOG: A Sonic the Hedgehog Red Dwarf crossover. Everybody’s favourite high-speed blue hedgehog meets the crew of Red Dwarf, with hilarious results.



    Back in the Red – Part Four: It turns out all that shit about the Tank was still a drug-induced virtual reality, and the Dwarfers wake up having just licked the envelopes at their trial. It is then revealed that Captain Hollister is a puppet being operated on strings by a giant Doug Naylor.




    Cat don’t need no side dishes. Meanwhile, Kryten gets really into genealogy, but his investigations uncover some surprises – is he really a direct descendent of Robert Mugabe?



    FLIPPER- rimmer gets hold of a quantum skipper, and travels the multiverse looking for a dimension where he can finally achieve his dream of becoming a fish




    Oh god, Lister’s French exchange student is back, and this time he’s got an erection – watch out Dispenser 23! Meanwhile, Cat and Kochanski are auctioning their most fabulous ballgowns to raise money for cunted Skutters, but what’s the point when Skutters can easily be repaired and money is worthless and nobody can really be fucked to wear a beautiful dress in deep space anyway? Really, what is the fucking point? To any of it? Really? Guest starring Zayn Malik as Thibault.




    Lister has Psoriasis. Meanwhile, Rimmer doesn’t – he’s a hologram. Guest starring Naoko Mori as Doc Wok.



    SHITE HOLE- lister does rimmer up the arse


    Pete Part Three

    Just Ice

    Kochanski returns to Red Dwarf under the condition that Lister is a more caring fella. On her first night back, she knocks on his door and asks if he has any Diet Pepsi. Lister beckons her in, and the realises he has none left in the fridge. He jumps out of a window, dives into Starbug, traverses an asteroid storm, avoids a battle with some GELFs and finds the only vending machine in the galaxy. He gets a can of Pepsi and returns to Kochanski. He hands her the drink. “Have you got any ice?” she asks.. Freeze-fame on Listers bemused face.


    Pete Part Three


    Rimmer is invited to a Grange Hil school reunion (he went to lots of schools, ok?). He’s very nervous to go, as he and his best friend Roland were mercilessly picked on by Norman Stebson, the school bully. When he arrives at the reunion, he’s delighted to remember that Norman died millions of years ago. One up to Rimmsy!



    Bout Of Rhyme

    The Dwarfers find they’re trapped in verse
    They cannot stop, it’s quite the curse!
    They’re stuck in space and now in meter
    Their spacecraft is a green four-seater
    One of them is David Lister
    His timeline is quite the twister!
    Arnold Rimmer, he’s another
    Has some issues with his mother
    Cat’s another, plus Kry-tine
    Shoehorned into just one line
    This whole thing is one huge contrivance
    Meanwhile, Kochanski doesn’t know whether Todhunter would prefer her in a sexy g-string or stomach-flattening massive granny pants.



    CRIMEWAVE- the dwarfers encounter a ship where murder is legal. one of the crewmembers attempts to kill the dwarfers, but is then beaten to death by the rest of the crew. the twist is that although murder is legal on this ship, it is not permitted and if you attempt to murder somebody you will be killed by everyone else. the episode ends with lister contemplating if a society like that could ever work.

    or you could just have an episode thats a load of bollocks about pink policemen and mildly offensive camp stereotypes



    Dimewave – the Dwarfers encounter a ship where the only legal currency is the American ten-cent coin.


    Pete Part Three


    Red Dwarf fans decide to save some time by not rewatching the shit episodes,




    The Dwarfers joke their way through a series of perilous sci-fi situations in a war which would be quite flippant and irritating in real life. Meanwhile, Kryten finally uncovers Dr McLaren’s hate drawings during a spring clean of his quarters, but does he have the psychiatric skills to evaluate the threat they could be in? Guest starring Jim Howick as Poot-Poot.




    In a series of unlikely coincidences, Rimmer gets trapped in an invisible box while Lister has trouble pushing an apparently immovable balloon. Meanwhile, Kryten must walk to work on a windy day while Cat starts pulling a rope with something really heavy on the end.



    Daimwave – the Dwarfers encounter a ship made of crunchy almond caramel, covered in milk chocolate.




    When Lister accidentally leans on the button for Starbug’s laser cannon while eating a naan bread and inadvertently destroys the moon of a planet made entirely of snot, the ebb and flow of a delicately-balanced phlegm-based ecosystem is thrown out of whack.




    Rimmer and Lister finally complete that round of golf they were playing in Blue.



    Brineslides: The Dwarfers slide on some brine.




    Sequel to Crimewave.




    A dinosaur eats some beets and shits purple everywhere.



    Crisis: Doug Naylor accidentally runs his Series XI scripts through a spellchecker.




    When the Boys From The Dwarf happen upon a secret research facility in which historical figures have been cloned and genetically altered so that they no longer dislike eating Lemon Curd, all is not as it seems.



    Teat Part Two: A dinosaur drinks human breast milk and shits everywhere.




    The Dwarfers discover an alternate universe where Anakin Skywalker did not die at the end of Star Wars and a major plotline in Star Wars VII was him trying to resist returning to the dark side.



    ‘U ERD: The Dwarfers discover a secret research facility where historical figures are no longer evil, but are still really rude.



    CAN OF FIRMS: The Dwarfers watch some episodes of Hyperdrive and decide to hire the services of several legal firms in response.




    Red Dwarf starts in 1997 instead of 1987.



    LEMONS AND ANGELS: in a bizarre accident involving the rejuvenation shower and the triplicator, jesus ends up meeting the high versions of the crew. unsurprisingly they get along well, and all have a lovely time together.




    Lister befriends a bottlenose dolphin. Meanwhile Kryten, Cat, Snacky, Chen, Bob the skutter, the Data Doctor, the Stan Laurel waxdroid, Ackerman, and the barmaid from Backwards all beat Rimmer at table tennis. Kryten uses his hand instead of a bat, and there’s a bit where the ball goes in Ackerman’s gaping eye-socket, thus proving it is his eye-socket and not a patch like some people think. Then the dolphin beats Rimmer as well, using its flipper as a bat, hence the name of the episode.




    When Kryten tries to pronounce the name of Lister’s Kinitawowi bride, everyone assumes he is instead imitating the clicking noises of a popular TV dolphin.




    Lister hides his drug stash in Rimmer’s nightwear.



    The BEGGinning: the population of a BEGG moon are wiped out in a mysterious choking epidemic. a BEGG known as Dach-ach-ach Listech-ech wakes up 3 million years later to find he is the lone survivor, alongside his pet Emohawk which has evolved into a being calling itself the Emoman. together, they vow to find their way back to civilisation. look out Kinatowowi, the slime’s coming home.



    MAC IN THE RED: the dwarfers finally get back to the ship, only to discover the nanobots have resurrected the crew. the dwarfers are arrested and punished by being forced to work on the ship’s McDonalds. things take a turn for the worse when the Captain comes in and orders 26 Spicy Chicken Legends. now its up to the dwarfers to work together as a team and complete his order to a satisfying degree before he becomes impatient


    Ben Paddon


    Lister gets the urge to watch a Disney movie, only to find that the sole entry in the film’s Disney library is the straight-to-video “An Extremely Goofy Movie”. He watches it anyway.




    Celebrity food writer Jack Monroe takes a well-deserved holiday to the Mediterranean. While she is there, she idly watches some cable TV and stumbles across ‘Marooned’ dubbed into Italian. She watches it for a few minutes out of a vague interest to see what the local equivalent of ‘Pot Noodle’ is, but then switches it off once the novelty wanes. It was the original version, not Remastered.




    A family with three children – Axle Rimmer, Krysue, and Dave Brickster – has a funny life in the middle of the mining ship Heck Dwarf. This episode will only ever be shown on airplanes.


    Captain Bollocks


    Lister plays golf with planets.


    Captain Bollocks


    Lister gets better at playing golf with planets.


    Captain Bollocks


    Rimmer opens his own biscuit factory.



    WAITING FOR TOD: lister waits for todhunter to appear in an episode that isn’t The End.

    some say he’s still waiting to this very day…


    Pete Part Three

    Can of Norms

    I dunno. It’s just a pun, isn’t it?.



    WHITE HYPERBOLE- lister plays pool with planets! but actually he just plays regular pool




    Fairly amusing episode is so heavily hyped and spoilered by the ‘fandom’ in ahead of screening that about 20% of it actually ends up being surprising and the whole thing is inevitably a little bit of a disappointment. Meanwhile, Kochanski starts helicopter parenting Cat.




    Rimmer is a twat and keeps leaving just 3%.




    Documentary footage of N*rm** *ovet* reading his lines for the final episode of Red Dwarf XII.



    HOLLYMORPH- holly returns to the ship, but keeps switching between his male and female versions. they have both become independent from one another and are fighting for control. the episode ends when jane leeves’s holly overpowers and murders both of them

    meanwhile rimmer does some gardening


    Pete Part Three


    Rimmer is diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. This is twice as worse if you happen to be dead as well. Meanwhile, Lister’s head falls off.



    PLANKS FOR THE MEMORY- Lister and Rimmer are doing some DIY, when suddenly Lister accidentally drops a wooden plank onto Rimmer. It hits his head and he loses the memory of ever doing the DIY. When Rimmer wakes up, Lister feels so bad about dropping the plank on him that he lies and says Rimmer just tripped over.

    However, Rimmer soon becomes suspicious when he notices that the DIY job Lister and him had been planning for ages is suddenly finished, and that Lister’s got small wood splinters on his hands. Furthermore, Lister seems increasingly uncomfortable whenever Rimmer mentions the bruise on his head…will Lister have to come clean and own up to dropping the plank?




    Red Dwarf is bought out by a swarm of killer bees. Much confusion reigns as to how this was possible before the crew are all stung to death.




    Red Dwarf is bought out by Tetley. The ship is now overflowing with figures of the Tetley Tea Folk. This episode is abruptly pulled from the airwaves mid-broadcast when it is found to be in breach of Ofcom’s guidelines about advertising.




    Rimmer gets a hold of a copy of Snipperclips and plays it because life on Red Dwarf is boring.




    The crew take in a bit of a dumb droid after obsessing over some dead women and pretend to care about him before they stop caring about him once he fucks off on a year-long bike ride when suddenly they start caring about him again because he died but then he is undied by Lister, who can apparently repair mechanoids from being shattered now, except he can’t even put a DIY android together just a few months later when they really care about this mechanoid.




    Rimmer goes up to the Observation Dome and commits mass murder.




    After a massive bender to celebrate Kryten’s last day before his impending deactivation, Lister is confused when he wakes up to find a large red conical plastic traffic-management tool stuck in one of his aural orifices. Meanwhile, it’s the policewoman’s helmet and suspenders that Cat doesn’t understand.


    Captain Bollocks


    When the Cat discovers a blocked toilet on Z-Deck, Rimmer fingers Lister as the culprit, dubbing him a “scuzzy space bum powered by beer and curry”, and promptly dispatches Kryten on maintenance duty. To the mechano man’s surprise, he discovers the mummified corpse of George McIntyre clogging up the u-bend.


    Captain Bollocks


    Before Lister can allow his social conscience to do the moral thing and rid the universe of date raping, he can’t resist taking one last swig of sexual magnetism to get Kochanski’s knickers back off. Rimmer provides the choc ices.


    Pete Part Three

    The Bell-End

    James Corden guest stars.




    The fire alarm goes off and no-one can remember the code. Then they remember that Rimmer was assaulted by his uncle as a child, and they manage to turn it off.


    Captain Bollocks


    Lister can’t stop cumming.




    Red Dwarf is bought out by a bidet manufacturer.




    The crew have a Masters of the Universe fancy dress party. Kryten is Man-At-Arms, The Cat is Battle-Cat, Holly is Orko. Rimmer and Lister both arrive as He-Man, with hilarious consequences.
    Then Kochanski suddenly turns up as Teela, and everybody forgets that there’s no angel anywhere in the episode so as not to ruin the pun in the title.



    MANCS FOR THE MEMORY- the crew decide to use the time drive to go on a lovely vacation to manchester. unfortunately, once they’re there they realize it’s a bit of a shithole. to make matters worse, they’ve already paid for a full week’s stay at the hotel. now it’s up to the dwarfers to survive a week in manchester

    once they get back they erase their memories of the horrible experience




    Rimmer goes spare when Chen falls asleep in amongst his collection of wires and they get tangled up. Meanwhile nobody will own up to being last to use the smeg hammer.



    CRY ‘TEN!’

    In this Children In Need special, the lovable smegheads try to impress the judges on Strictly Come Dancing.




    The crew of Red Dwarf log on to Twitter to share their experiences of sexual harassment from GELFs, Polymorphs, parallel-universe versions of themselves, servants of their own self-loathing beast, and plenty more besides. Unfortunately the ball-girl from the AR Wimbledon game has tales of her own to reveal.



    LORRYMORPH- lister comes across a polymorph that has taken the shape of an Eddie Stobart lorry. it is kind to him. he slashes its tyres and leaves it for dead anyway. humans are the real monsters…



    CRETE PART 2- the dwarfers make a greek man eat a vindaloo and he shits everywhere



    BEAT THE GREEK- the dwarfers beat him to death


    Ben Paddon

    BACK TO URKEL: The long-awaited crossover between etc etc




    Ainsley Harriott returns to Red Dwarf to show the crew how to liven up their roast potatoes.



    THE END:

    Plenty of ladies die.


    Lister wants to bring back a dead lady.


    A dead lady reads the news.


    A crazy dead lady tries to seduce Rimmer, but instead ends up weirding him out.


    Something pretends to be a crazy dead lady and seduces Lister.


    Something accidentally pretends to be a crazy dead lady to seduce Rimmer.


    A crazy dead lady seduces Rimmer.


    A crazy dead lady gets Rimmer sick.


    Something pretends to be a crazy dead lady to seduce Lister and crush Kryten.


    Lister won’t have sex with a crazy lady so her dad sends his pet after him for revenge.


    It’s a lady, I think, but with Chris Barrie’s face.


    Remember that crazy lady Lister didn’t want to have sex with? Apparently she really wanted that sex, so much so that she tore the fabric of reality apart over it. Also, a dead lady is no longer dead.


    Lister wishes he could seduce a crazy dead man.


    Kryten cries because he hates a crazy dead lady and also a less crazy less dead one.


    A crazy dead lady gets Lister sick.


    Numerous dead ladies, some presumably crazy since that’s how VIII works, are no longer dead.


    Nobody ever asked the dinosaur, so this episode could very well belong.


    Rimmer kills a crazy dead lady.


    Turns out that this crazy dead lady was fake. Surprise!


    A crazy lady dies.


    A crazy lady and her lover program themselves to death.


    A presumably crazy presumably dead lady says “gosh”.


    Something pretends to be a crazy lady to seduce Cat.


    A crazy lady flops on a telephone because she is sad and that’s how you dial a telephone.

    Just as a few examples.



    THE SHEND- the dwarfers come across the man who played Warden Knot in VIII, and are all reminded of that lovely time he crushed rimmer’s testicles with his bare hands.

    meanwhile, the cat disembowels someone.




    The crew of submarine Red Dwarf all die from complications after they all go diving together, except Lister because he was being punished. Meanwhile, Kryten and Cat make some nachos.




    When the last human being alive finally accepts that he’s never going to find Kochanski, Kryten encourages him to get “back in the game” and start dating some of the many robots aboard Red Dwarf. But when Lister becomes romantically involved with one of the Skutters, Rimmer and Cat take bets on whether he will actually go through with attempting sexual intercourse with it. In a grim and laugh-free final scene, Lister musters up th



    e courage to do so, only for Kochanski to walk through the airlock at a key moment. The episode ends with both weeping.




    The crew discover Social Media and there’s a whole episode about it but it’s a bit rubbish and pointless and filled with outdated jokes about 140 characters and MySpace.




    Star Wars sequel in which Kylo Ren’s boss becomes addicted to Greek flatbreads.



    Lister discovers that the lint on one of his socks contains the pea from Queeg.




    Sophie Aldred guest-stars in a… No, on second thoughts, I’m definitely not going to do that one.


    Ben Paddon

    MEEP SQUARED: The crew receive a surprise visit from popular muppet Beaker who etc etc



    HOLOSHAQ- the dwarfers are finally sick of rimmer being such an unbearable little shit that they turn off his hologram. while searching for a new hologram to resurrect, they find the personality disc of famous basketball player Shaquille O’ Neal and decide to boot him up. everyone gets along with him and they all have a lovely time playing basketball and thoroughly enjoy having him around.

    meanwhile, rimmer’s terminated hologram is left floating in an empty meaningless timeless void for all eternity. he can think and feel nothing. the entirety of his existence is no more…



    BACK TO BIRTH- kryten is inexplicably turned into a baby. in a subversion of the status quo, it’s now up to the dwarfers to take care of him. however things take a turn for the worst when he shits the bed and splashes mashed apricot pudding all over the drive room’s walls.

    meanwhile, rimmer becomes really upset after cat makes one too many “kill yourself rimmer” jokes


    Captain Bollocks


    After three days passes without notice, the crew dig up a space grave and discover a black box containing footage of Rimmer spending the day masturbating to the memory of that time Lister gave him the memory of Lise Yates, even though he had his memory wiped and doesn’t remember it.




    The crew of Red Dwarf stumble across a space station inhabited by a gestalt entity who shares all four of the Dwarfers’ different regional accents.


    The crew of Red Dwarf stumble across a space station inhabited by a gestalt entity who shares the minds of a bunch of students who live and work there.


    The crew of Red Dwarf stumble across a space station and immediately get glassed in the face after making ill-advised jokes about deep-fried Mars bars.




    The Dwarfers find a community of deep fried Mars Bars LIVING in Scotland.



    Twencotland. Damn it.

    It is just not worth it, is it?



    BLEAKER TO RIDE- lister and kryten use the timedrive to go back in time on a curry hunt, only for kryten to inexplicably miscalculate the settings and transport them back to Earth, 74 million years in the past. there is no vegetation, no animals, no life. lister sits in the dirt and awaits his grisly fate. kryten is forced to watch him slowly waste away, and is powerless to help him.

    meanwhile, cat and rimmer pop on some jodhpurs and go horse riding. cat is quite good at it.


    Dollar Pound


    the crew turn into machines programmed to mercilessly pump out piss-takey red dwarf episode synopses and wind up accidentally immentising the eschaton. meanwhile a knight escapes from the bloody ar machine again and goes and fucks up the drive plates


    Dollar Pound



    Dollar Pound




    Kicker to Ride: Lister takes his father’s advice literally and goes back in time to look for someone to kick him up the arse.




    When comedian Johnny Vegas realises one of his lifelong ‘bucket list’ dreams and is cast in an episode of Red Dwarf, he is subsequently dismayed with the result. After viewing the episode he asks to be edited out of all future broadcasts. This request is refused.




    Biopic of Graham Chapman with a very heavy Red Dwarf bias, which omits any discussion of his many comedic achievements in favour of concentrating solely on an episode of a sitcom that he almost, but didn’t, appear in.




    The crew of Red Dwarf travel back in time to the UK before 24-hour licensing laws were introduced, and discover how pub landlords used to indicate that their establishment was imminently about to close for the night.


    Dollar Pound


    a virus spreads via a red dwarf fansite forum thread which makes its hosts not be able to stop coming up with irreverant premises for hypothetical red dwarf epsiodes using titles which pun on real show titles signifying knowledge of the show and releasing endorphins or whatever kryten said from taking the piss. meanwhile cat becomes a door to door salesman, selling doors, *to* doors. meanwhile across town snacky’s got a whole other thiing going on with stuff. meanwhile kochanski. synopsis it’s a synopsis


    Dollar Pound


    go on to the next one



    BRITTAS TO REALITY- after the crew are attacked by a despair squid, rimmer wakes up to discover he’s actually a man called gordon brittas, and the entire series was a dream he had after falling asleep on the way to a job interview.

    meanwhile, G&T causes an uproar over this fucking absymal ending



    SKIPPY- rimmer travels to a parallel universe where everything is perfect, except his favourite brand of peanut butter is no longer sun-pat. he realises he cannot bear this, and leaves.


    Dollar Pound


    a documentary about the hebridean island of eigg presented by charles augins and jack monroe. the documentary starts with the word eigg written in massive bold red capital microgramma letters and there is a brief preamble by norman lovett (yaaayy!) before being interupted when it is bought by m-corp to make way for a hyperspace bypass. charles augins and jack monroe never appear in the episode which isn’t even that


    Dollar Pound




    Lister packs his bags and heads into hyperspace, where he succeeds at time-warp speed. He then proceeds to spend his days in ultraviolet rays and has fun in the sun.




    When Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen beams on board and insists on changing the colour of the Dwarf from red to a more fashionable but also horrid pinkish-purpley colour, the crew kill him horribly.



    Lister packs his bags and heads into hyperspace, where he succeeds at time-warp speed. He then proceeds to spend his days in ultraviolet rays and has fun in the sun.


    Red Dwarf is rebuilt by nanobots and the crew are sentenced to two years hard time. Can they survive with their insanity intact through an unrelenting series of escalating pranks? Will Blue Midgets dance for some fucking reason or other? Will a dinosaur shit all over Hollister? Will any one viewer make it through without falling into existential despair and/or embarrassment for having ever liked this show in the first place? Find out this Thursday at 9.



    COD FINESSE AND PARAPHIMOSIS- cat takes cooking lessons in order to make his own food and discovers he has surprising aptitude for preparing fish-based meals.

    meanwhile, lister suffers from a bizarre and horrific medical condition when his foreskin becomes trapped within his own penis.




    A group of Red Dwarf fans discover that they are THAT kind of Red Dwarf fan. Can they stop saying “smoke me a kipper” or posting the SMEG toaster on Facebook long enough to address their issues, or will it take a surprise visit and big speech from Lister to show them the light? Unfortunately, being unable to resist interrupting to call him a “smee hee” before bursting into inappropriately loud laughter for thirty seconds at a time, Lister ultimately gives up. Then the fans trip and are sucked out of an airlock, after which Lister begins walking around the same stretch of corridor three or four times while saying: “Ironically, it seems they themselves were the true smee hees in direct contrast to what they lead themselves to believe! It’s ironic, really.” Then he falls down a big hole.



    Dave, were you by any chance watching The Chase this afternoon?



    No. Why?



    I was watching an episode on Challenge and Paul Sinha made the same future/fuchsia pun. Like an idiot I didn’t immediately think of Fuchsia Echoes.



    There’s a florist somewhere in Milton Keynes (I think) called Back To The Fuchsia, which I think is pretty much the best florist name ever.




    Deleted scene from Timewave in which the Boys From The Dwarf move from merely verbally insulting Johnny Vegas’ character to actually physically assaulting him.




    The Lister from the double double future realises he actually preferred his adventures with his three crewmates to being married to Kochanski.




    Snacky becomes the next Ace Rimmer. Meanwhile Kryten takes up ballet lessons.



    Kryten discovers a hidden talent of being able to suck his own groinal attachment. Lister discovers this and attempts to beat him, leading to a competition to see who can suck the most. Hilarity ensues.




    Rimmer accidentally resurrects his mother as a hologram. Hilarity ensues as she verbally abuses him while having group sex with Lister and the Cat. But the tables turn when Kryten is forced to clean up the ensuing mess. Can Mrs. Rimmer be ethically turned off after being resurrected? Turns out the true moral answer isIT’S COLD OUTSIDE, THERE’S KIND OF ATMOSPHERE




    It’s literally just “Star Knot” backwards but yet mildly more fitting of a title for the episode. Can we please call the race of alternate rats Tonk Rats? Please?


    Captain Bollocks


    Doug Naylor sits down with Ed Bye to wax lyrical about eight of their favourite episodes from season VIII for about 35 minutes on a compact disc, complete with a free VHS compilation containing eight of the best episodes from season VIII. This release subsequently sparks fervent discussion on the G&T forums about the merits of season VIII and its eight episodes, or lack thereof, over and over and over again, as if such a special commemorative box set were even needed to drive that particular topic into the ground.



    SIX OF THE BREAST: a sequel to that one bunkroom scene in Waiting For God where they discuss aliens




    Sponsored by Colman’s, this ill-conceived product-placement project involves overhauling all twelve series of Red Dwarf to include (via clumsy CGI) small containers of Colman’s mustard in the background of key scenes in every episode, as well as replacing (via clumsy dubbing) some of the best jokes in the series with characters suddenly commenting out of nowhere on how much they like Colman’s mustard.



    Meow Squared

    30 minutes of hilarious archive outakes showing how many prop cats Craig Charles dropped/snapped/broke/smashed/flushed/smoked while trying to film that scene in The End where Frankenstein doesn’t seem very interested in a photo of Fiji.




    Curiously specific censorship project in which episodes from all twelve series of Red Dwarf are edited and overdubbed to remove any instances of the titular swearword.

    Classic episodes now include lines such as “Father Christmas – what a *cheeky fellow*.” and “It’s my duty. My duty as a complete and utter *naughty person*.”




    OK, I admit I’m struggling now.



    Better Sod Than Smeg

    Another remaster project focused on replacing all instances of the offensive dick and bollock sexual swearword ‘smeg’ with the entirely inoffensive and wholly non-sexual bum-related profanity ‘sod’.




    Documentary about the UK’s 2010 General Election.



    Better Dyed Than Smeg

    Kochanski decides to change her hair colour almost mid-scene between series VII and VIII. Should she follow her instincts and use a box of dye, or will Lister’s offer to rub the cum remnants from under his foreskin on her barnet have the desired effect?



    Better Dead Than Clegg

    The late Peter Sallis remembers his long career and decides he’s happier as a corpse than he was filming those final few excruciating series of Last of the Summer Wine.


    Captain Bollocks


    Kicking off a new annual tradition, the G&T website undergoes a Halloween-themed makeover for a few days. Articles include a High & Low look at some of the best (and worst) “monsters of the week”, and a feature in which a brand new to Red Dwarf fan is subjected to the aforementioned “Eight of the Best” compilation.

    The forum posters also get in on the fun with a series of irreverent and increasingly self-referential ideas for episodes and other spin offs, such as a spooky G&T re-branding for Halloween based on a naff pun, and an episode where the Drawfers go to, oh I don’t know, some old western except it’s a ghost town and they have to fight the four pumpkins of the apocalypse, or something.


    Captain Bollocks


    A special compilation trimming down the best bits from the aforementioned “Eight of the Best” compilation into one handy, semi-coherent 14-minute video (and even that feels like it’s been padded out), available to avid fans only if you know where to look on DailyMotion.



    Better Bread Than Egg

    Kryten steps up his campaign of coercive control over Lister when he can’t be arsed to boil him an egg for breakfast and convinces him he’ll be less unattractive if he has a bit of toast instead.




    Thtarbug encounterth a thimulant warthip while thearching for Wed Dwarf. After Kwyten contwacth a viwuth, he ith forthed to thave the day by fighting the nathty pwogwamme in a computer thimulation of the Wild Wetht.



    CURED- the crew come across a space station, filled with various hams and other pork products that have been perfectly preserved due to being coated with curing salt, which drew out all the moisture from the pork, making it impossible for the microbe growth that would have caused the food to spoil.

    meanwhile, Ziggy Briceman is found dead in a ditch with a pringles tube rammed up his arse. but was it an accident?



    Betty Dead, Then Meg

    Don Draper has a troubling dream in which he murders both his ex-wives in the order in which he married them. Meanwhile, Holly takes up racism.



    SEMEN AND ANGELS- the dwarfers find several dead bodies with Semen pouring from their ears and a group of university students have the key to unlocking the case. Did the victims really hear their killer coming?!



    BACK IN THE SEABED- PART 1: a man is found dead in the sea, and the dwarfers travel the entire world looking for the killer, despite having no leads on the case.

    BACK IN THE SEABED- PART 2: the dwarfers still haven’t found out who killed the man. their search continues…

    BACK IN THE SEABED-PART 3: kryten does an autopsy and it’s discovered the man died of drowning. three episodes, a sky-high budget and a pointless worldwide search was all for nothing. the dwarfers hang their heads in shame



    Battered Dead, Then? Gregg!

    Foodie actress and Celebrity MasterChef champion Lisa Faulkner recalls that time she was killed by having her face dunked in a deep fat fryer in the second episode of Spooks. On reflection, Lisa decides she’d quite like to see something similar to happen to Gregg Wallace, that annoying cunt who presents MasterChef with Lisa’s husband, The One Who Isn’t That Annoying Cunt Gregg Wallace.



    Wetter Bedpan; Smug

    The now-middle-aged Lister and Cat have a competition to see who pisses the most during the night. In the morning, one of them has produced a greater quantity of overnight piss and holds his fuller bedpan aloft triumphantly. He is very pleased and rubs the loser’s nose in it. Is the ‘it’ in question the winning quantity of piss? Tune in to find out! Meanwhile, Rimmer and Todhunter finally find some common ground when they both attend the same self harm support group.

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