Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

KNOLLARCHY

Kryten’s nanobots recreate an old armchair with a bra wrapped around it, instantly giving Lister the horn.

[Dave]

PARKWARDS

On backwards-Earth, Lister gingerly attempts to wrap his arm around an old armchair to put a bra on it.

[Dave]

PARK TO REKNOLLITY

Lister wakes up to discover that his life on board Red Dwarf was all an elaborate deception, and Kochanski, the object of his desire, was in fact little more than an old armchair with a bra wrapped around it.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PARKERKNOLL UNIVERSE

Holly creates a device that allows the crew to transport themselves into a universe populated by old arm chairs with bras wrapped around them. This proves too much for Lister, as so much blood drains from his vital organs to one organ in particular, he dies immediately.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE GUNMAN BEHIND THE PARKER KNOLL

In an early script of Tikka to Ride, the crew beam into Texas in 1963, and find themselves behind a discarded Parker Knoll with a bra wrapped around it. Lister immediately gets aroused and shoots his load so hard, he kills JFK as he passes in his car.

[Dave]

THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES

Red Dwarf’s resident Parker Knoll achieves sentience after being treated with mutated furniture polish, and is finally able to convey its gratitude for the ersatz breasts provided by Lister’s bizarre bra antics.

[Dave]

KNOLLOSHIP

When a space freighter entirely crewed by old armchairs wearing bras makes contact with Red Dwarf, Lister is tempted to leave his crewmates behind and start a new life among his fantasy objects.

[Dave]

PARKER TO RIDE

Lister has sex with an armchair in a bra. Spiritual sequel to Dear Dave.

[Dave]

CONFIDENCE AND PARKERKNOLLBRA

When Lister gets a bout of mutated flu, he hallucinates Craig Ferguson having sex with a lingerie-draped armchair.

[Dave]

KNOLLYMORPH

Red Dwarf is attacked by a parasitic creature who can disguise itself as an object of desire to get close to its victim. In Lister’s case, the choice of disguise is obvious.

[Dave]

WHITE KNOLL

Well they’re all white Knolls when Lister’s finished with them.

[Rubber]

RIMMER’S STRIMMERS

Rimmer’s got a new harem – of lawn-manicuring gardendroid shebots! Unfortunately they’re very unreliable just like the guy himself and they do a runner with all his shoe trees. Meanwhile, Kryten swaps Kochanski’s eye drops with sulphuric acid again. Sizzle! Guest starring Jodie Comer and Michaela Coel as Strimpet and Shears.

[Rubber]

CAT’S HATS

Wardrobe enthusiast Cat takes up millinery and starts selling his headly wares on the space internetsy. Nobody buys them because they’re all dead. Meanwhile, Holly decides nobody deserves any oxygen this week.

[Rubber]

LISTER’S SISTERS

Human cul-de-sac Dave Lister discovers Kryten spent six months milking his danglers every night on his mum’s orders so she could produce more children to silence the ticking wombclock in her Scottish loins. Initially violated, Lister comes around to the idea when he discovers she carried girl triplets to full term and left them to be raised by a vending machine on Y-deck two decades ago. The trio are dead ringers for their sharp-tongued mum at 20 and Lister’s not sure he can resist their Kochanskiesque charms, especially given the apparently sexy vending machine qualities they’ve also developed from their adopted parent. Will Lister manage to get his leg over before his slow brain processes the horrifying fact that they’re his sisters (and daughters too, chillingly)? Meanwhile, Rimmer visits a planet where he is the only man made out of light, which he should be used to by now tbh. Guest starring Kelsey Grammer as Vendette.

[Rubber]

HOLLY’S FOLLY

Holly allows the crew to die and builds a quirky little monument out of them.

[Rubber]

LISTER’S MISTERS

Human ultimatum Dave Lister devises a series of children’s books based around a collection of brightly coloured monomaniacal geometric shapes with arms and legs, each one focused on a different aspect of his truncated personality. Chaos ensues when a brainwave brings them all to life! Meanwhile, Cat and Rimmer fight over the last labial implant left on the ship.

[Rubber]

KRYTEN’S FRIGHTENS

Bipedal scrubber Kryten gets really into telling spooky midnight ghost stories but worries that there isn’t an effectively spooky atmosphere on board ship to really do his tales justice, so he removes his head and chases a terrified Kochanski around the unlit storage bay with his groinal chainsaw attachment for twenty-nine nerve-shredding, sanity-obliterating hours. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Holly both need a holiday — but they’re skint! So as a compromise they agree to swap their pixelated anuses for a week.

[Rubber]

RIMMER’S HYMMERS

The Dwarfers stumble across an underdog tribe of straggly devout cat clerics, and Spectral nincompoop Rimmer discovers an as-yet-unexploited talent for coaching this enthusiastic but unpolished mob in the art of choral singing. Will the pussy posse still accept his tuition when they realise all his audio output is basically coming from a tiny speaker in his light bee? Meanwhile, Butler’s back from Broadmoor and he’s got a new friend. Guest starring David Suchet as Nicola Crayola.

[Rubber]

CAT’S FLATS

Upholstered simpleton Cat is devastated when space moths run riot on the Dwarf, gobbling every last stitch of clothing from his extensive collection. What’s a mog to do with twenty-seven decks of empty clothes rails and no cash to refill them? Why, let the wardrobes out as studio flats, of course! How will the fancy feline take to his new role as a slum landlord? Meanwhile, Kryten and Rimmer find common ground over both being desperately unhappy.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE LAST KNOLL

When Lister gets notification that his favourite hump chair is getting replaced, he fights for the right to retain his love stained throne.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

A KNOLL HAS ESCAPED FROM THE AR MACHINE

One of Lister’s AR fantasies escapes the AR machine and kills Rimmer in a bitter fight for Lister’s affection.

[Rubber]

RIMMER’S SLIMMERS

After completing an A/R Space Corps Acting Senior Officer weekend refresher course, blue-blazered bastard Rimmer returns with a renewed sense of drill sergeant purpose and becomes obsessed with the idea that everyone else on board ship weighs too much, sealing the crew in quarantine and forcing them to undergo extreme diet and exercise programmes until they weigh the same as his ‘ideal weight’ – his light bee! Six months later, Cat and Lister are down to under five stone but are suffering extreme organ failure while mineral man Kryten has been forced to amputate and incinerate every part of his body save a single eyeball. Meanwhile, Holly starts breeding feral Skutters for cockfights. Guest starring Jimmy Carr as A/R Interface With A Smug Voice.

[Rubber]

KRYTEN’S BLYTONS

Disinfection droid Kryten discovers a passion for the works of Enid Blyton and decides to start running Red Dwarf like a 1940s boarding school for wealthy white girls. Rimmer enjoys the brisk discipline and Cat enjoys the pleated skirts, but will dyed-in-the-wool underclassling Dave Lister ever flourish in this privileged environment? Meanwhile, Todhunter’s regression therapy hints at some unfinished business with his father’s valet, but why can’t he unlock the memory? Guest starring Daniel Mays as Lambert.

[Dave]

STOKE ME BRA CLIPPER

Shortly before setting off as the new Ace Rimmer, Rimmer asks Lister to teach him how to unclip a woman’s bra. Lister eagerly obliges with the help of a nearby Parker Knoll.

[Dave]

OUROBRAOUS

Because with Lister and his son going round and round in time, Parker Knolls will never truly become obsolete.

[Dave]

KNOLLYSWAP

Lister has his consciousness transferred into a Parker Knoll so that he can feel what it is like to have a bra removed.

[Rubber]

CAT’S LATS

It’s Elevatoramadan, so all the lifts on board Red Dwarf go on a vertical travel fast for a month between synthetic sunrise and synthetic sunset. Without the lifts, the crew are forced to rely on flexible feline Cat shimmying up the inside of the elevator shaft to fetch them things from the upper levels. A month later, Cat’s lateral muscles are in great shape and everyone suddenly remembers they have staircases. Meanwhile, Lister’s allergic to Kryten’s new nipple – how will they maintain the milk supply?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

KNOLL LEAK

Holly discovers a sticky, squelchy, oozy, Parker Knoll on floor 16, and Lister discovers a photo of himself seemingly marrying a Parker Knoll. Coincidence?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

K-CORP

The crew update the JMC computer, inadvertently installing an OS from the Parker Knoll Corporation, who make everything by Parker Knolls invisible. Lister doesn’t see an issue with this.

[Rubber]

LISTER’S BLISTERS

Walking skidmark Dave Lister’s bra-unhooking practice has taken its toll on his friction-addled fingers – where can he find a firm, high-backed armchair in which to recuperate? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s genealogy exploits lead him to the alarming realisation that ‘Dungo’ Dennis, his parents’ gardener and Rimmer’s biological father, later moved to Callisto to train in patisserie and went on to operate a small doughnut franchise on a mining ship in orbit around Jupiter, before all trace of him mysteriously disappeared…

[Rubber]

HOLLY’S MOLLIES

Human futurepolitics inevitably cycles through another depressing right-wing period and, in response, the JMC onboard computer outlaws all homosexual activity and non-binary pursuits. As the only genuinely intelligent entity on-board ship, demented screensaver Holly responds by setting up a covert meeting place for Red Dwarf’s closeted gay residents, but who’ll be first through the door? Meanwhile, Cat falls foul of the new restrictions when a Skutter mistakes him for a drag artiste and tasers him.

[Dave]

GUNMEN OF THE APARKERLYPSE

When Lister’s favourite bra-laden armchair is infected by a simulant virus, he is forced to delve into a Wild West videogame to rescue it.

[Dave]

SKIPPARKER

Lister travels across infinite parallel universes to try and find a Parker Knoll that fits his manky old bra.

[Rubber]

RIMMER’S DIMMERS

Pernickety projection Rimmer’s bullying best friend Dave Lister forcibly retrofits his light bee with a dimmer switch and turns him down just a bit… just a bit more… little bit more… little bit more… just a bit more… more than that… little bit more than that… just a bit more… until Rimmer’s essentially invisible and inaudible, trapped in a Kafkaesque nightmare, and Lister can completely ignore him. Meanwhile, Kryten decides to start keeping one item of jewellery from every prostitute he bludgeons to death. Guest starring Alison Brie as Tawny-Rose.

[Dave]

NODKNOLL

When Lister arrives on Backwards Earth, he gestures with his head approvingly towards a nearby sexy armchair.

[Flap Jack]

ONLY THE GOOD DOUGHNUTS…

Red Dwarf picks up an escape pod from the SS Hermes, which was destroyed by highly destructive microbes. The pod’s sole occupant, Talia Garrett, seems to know Captain Hollister.

“… Dennis? The doughnut boy?!”

Hollister, looking suddenly very pale, declares Garrett delusional and orders her to be thrown in The Tank.

Flashback to 3 million years ago. Dennis Krytimmer is a simple doughnut deliveryperson on the Hermes – the flagship of the Neptune Mining Conglomerate. An orphan who worked tirelessly his whole life just to get any paying gig on an intergalactic vessel, Dennis dreams of becoming the Captain of his own ship.

One day, Dennis is called upon to deliver doughnuts to the Captain’s table. Finally, the opportunity to plead his case to the upper brass, and maybe get the opportunity to become an officer! He does the delivery, and Captain Garrett personally calls over Dennis to compliment him on the spread of the icing and the consistency of the jam. Seizing his chance, Dennis enthuses about his ambitions to her.

“I’ve wanted to be an officer as long as I can remember, m’am! I’d do anything to achieve that dream!”

The Captain exchanges a few glances with her officers.

“Anything, you say?”

It’s not long before Dennis is being trained in corporate espionage, and given a new cover identity: Frank Hollister. He is to be sent in as a low level officer recruit for competing outfit, the Jupiter Mining Corporation, aboard the ship that was the most desperate for personnel – the Red Dwarf.

As time passes Dennis settles into his new life as Hollister on Red Dwarf, regularly using his new spy skills to acquire any confidential company info that the NMC might use for competitive advantage and sending it back to the Hermes, as well as using a lot of the juicier info to schmooze his way up the ranks.

Eventually Hollister is Captain of the whole ship, and Dennis has been achieving his mission of undermining the JMC for many years, but then he receives a new directive from Garrett: to unleash a bio-weapon on Red Dwarf when it’s about to land back on Earth, thus destroying the ship, causing a devastating crash on the Earth’s surface, and ultimately destroying the JMC, so that the NMC can become a true monopoly.

Having become very attached to his new life and his new crew, Hollister does not deploy the chameleonic microbes that were sent to him, and even does multiple trips to and from Earth without incident.

All is fine until one day Hollister is called to the Drive Room, by Officer Frank Todhunter.

Hollister arrives, and Todhunter is standing there, holding the chameleonic microbe solution, and pointing a gun straight at him.

“So you did get your orders after all… Dennis. What’s the matter? Lost your nerve? Enjoying playing the boss? It’s a good thing they sent me to keep an eye on you. A stupid doughnut boy was never going to have the courage to do what has to be done.”

Todhunter moves to pour the microbe solution into the engine, but Hollister uses his momentary distraction to pull his own gun and shoot him dead. The microbe solution bottle was still sealed in the end, but the shot Hollister fired had majorly damaged the drive plate after going through Todhunter.

Not wanting to risk the engineers finding out what happened, Hollister calls down some low-level sycophantic technician to repair the drive plate, while he disposes of the body.

Back in the present, Talia has been put in the same cell as parallel-Kochanski, whom she immediately spills the beans to. She tells her that Hollister is actually Dennis the Doughnut Boy, that he designed the chameleonic microbes in order to destroy the Hermes, and that he murdered her good friend, Jerry Dotruthen, in cold blood. Word of this spreads quickly throughout the prison, and soon the rage from the prisoners against Hollister is so strong that they successfully organise a break-out, and manage to get the wardens and officers on board for a mutiny.

Overpowered, Hollister is tied up in his office alone, while every other crewmember abandons ship and the microbes tear apart Red Dwarf. Frank shares one last conversation with Holly before systems start shutting down and all around him is in flames.

Death approaches him, but Hollister kicks Death right in the groin.

“Only the good donuts fry!” he says, before burning to death off-screen.

THE END?

YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.

[Rubber]

KOCHANSKI’S SCOTCH PANKIES

Snooty tit-haver Kris develops a hankering for the pancakes she enjoyed back in Glasgow as a young girl, but can she identify her mother’s vital secret ingredient and rediscover the taste of her childhood? (It turns out to be maternal love, btw.) Meanwhile, Cat bleaches his anus and Lister breaches his anus.

[Dave]

RED DWARF RE-PARKERED

Red Dwarf Series I-III are re-released with the addition of an unconvincing CGI bra-draped armchair in the corner of the sleeping quarters.

[Rubber]

HOLLY’S CAULIS

Neckless brainchamber Holly embraces semi-retirement and gets an allotment, but soon finds the cutthroat world of competitive vegetable growing is far more stressful than running Red Dwarf ever was! Meanwhile, Kryten and Rimmer argue over whether tampons, pads or mooncups are better, despite neither having a stake in the outcome nor being remotely qualified to answer the question. Guest starring Kevin Whately as Voice Of Wheelbarrow.

[Rubber]

CAT’S STATS

Pedantry looms large when fashion-forward fish aficionado Cat starts wearing glasses and immediately develops an intense interest in statistics, much to the chagrin of constantly-corrected Rimmer! Meanwhile, Kochanski attempts to pass the Bechdel test after 23 consecutive fails. Could it finally be her year?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PARKER SNATCHER

Lost episode in which Rimmer tries to construct a body for himself using elements of Lister’s furniture. Once complete, a boozy Lister arrives back in his quarters and lustfully starts sexually interfering with what he thinks is his chair, but is in fact, Parker Knoll Rimmer in a bra.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BALANCE OF PARKER

Lister tries to pass the exam to become a chair so he can out rank Rimmer and continue to have a sexual relationship with his favourite Parker Knoll without judgement.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CAN’T KNOLL WON’T KNOLL

Celebrity chef Ainsley Harriet invites the crew of Red Dwarf to dress old fashioned furniture in women’s underwear and then attempt to undress it.

[Rubber]

LISTER’S FISTERS

After yet another night on the sauce, filth reservoir Dave Lister falls foul of Lady Law when he’s caught drunk in charge of Starbug and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. To his obvious discomfort, dirty Dave finds himself tasked with coaching an enthusiastic but unskilled team of amateur fisters facing another potential trouncing in the BDSM arena at the Zero-Gee Olympics. Will Lister overcome his innate prejudices and steer the punchfucking boys to glory, opening his own metaphorical rosebud and learning something important from them along the way? Meanwhile, Rimmer discovers that his sparkly holo-farts make excellent indoor fireworks. Ooooh! Aaaah! Guest starring Andrew Scott as Dominic Harness, with Hugh Skinner and Russell Tovey as Nathan and Bumper.

[Dave]

D’YA THINK PARKER KNOLLS ARE SEXY?

Abandoned alternate opening to Backwards in which Lister and Cat discuss the relative attractiveness of armchairs draped in bras. Cat admits that, while he would go with a La-Z-Boy, he’d be thinking of a Parker Knoll.

[Dave]

PARK IN THE RED

When the nanobots recreate Red Dwarf, they restore it to its original specifications with 30% more armchairs in the living quarters. Lister is consequently driven wild with lust.

[Dave]

GET THE LINE RIGHT, ROB, THERE’S A PARKER KNOLL IN IT FOR YA

Infamous smeg-up in which Craig Charles attempts to improve Robert Llewellyn’s line readings by promising him 10 minutes with a beat-up old armchair with a bra hanging off it.

[Rubber]

KRYTEN’S BRIGHT HENS

Following another humiliating poetry recital chez Butler, exposition dilettante Kryten decides to raise the conversational standards on board Red Dwarf by infecting the rest of the crew with a brain-bulging programmable intelligence virus. Unfortunately they’re all completely immune to the effects, but when Cat accidentally infects the stasis chicken coop, Kryten finds himself up to his eyes in professorial poultry! Meanwhile, Lister dodges the shower for the 7848th day in a row, so Rimmer snaps and hangs him.

[Dave]

BEYOND A POKE

Lister expresses a desire to develop his relationship with his bra-adorned armchair beyond meaningless sex. “He ain’t heavy sir, he’s my Parker” intones Kryten, bafflingly.

[Dave]

I DIDN’T COME HERE LOOKING FOR PARKER KNOLL

A visibly-embarassed Lister enters his local branch of DFS with a tatty old bra tucked inside his jacket. When a sales assistant appears, he immediately protests too much about his true intentions, improvising a shit little rap at the same time. Little does the shop assistant know, however, that the “Red Dwarf Shuffle” to which the ditty alludes involves Lister, a bra, and an armchair.

[Author]

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