Idea for an episode.

[Dave]

FUCK MY ARSE WE’RE AT 88MPH

Deleted scene from the R-rated cut of Back To The Future.

[Dave]

WHO CARES? SQUAWK AWAY!

Andy De Emmony tries to coax a better reaction out of the chicken in Emohawk.

[Dave]

WHO CARES? NORKS AWAY!

A prudish Kryten insists that Chloe Annett shouldn’t have done revealing photoshoots for ’90s lad-culture men’s magazines.

[Dave]

WHO CARES? SPORK AWAY!

A perfectly proper Kryten insists that only traditional cutlery should be used at mealtimes.

[Dave]

WHO CARES? ORCA WEIGH!

A guilt-chip-free Kryten decides to settle a bet about how heavy killer whales are.

[Dave]

WHO CARES? TALK AWAY! II

Rob Grant and Doug Naylor explain to Chris Barrie and Craig Charles that Marooned is a particularly dialogue-heavy episode.

[Dave]

SPEAKER TO RIDE

The boys from the Dwarf travel back to 2021 and inadvertently set off a chain of events that leads the speaker of the House of Commons to become embroiled in a lurid sex scandal.

[Dave]

BEAKER TO RIDE

Muppets porn parody.

[Dave]

SQUEAKER TO RIDE

Cat admits to an embarrassing fetish for mice.

[Joe]

WHO CARES? PARKER KNOLL AWAY!
A guilt-chip-free Kryten encourages Lister to indulge in one of his favourite pastimes.

[si]

WHO CARES? ORK AWAY!

The crew throw caution to the wind and visit Pam Dawber while her co-star takes a well-earned break.

*checks previous suggestions,
sees Dave’s post*
Oh, bollocks to it, mine’s funnier.

[si]

WHO CARES? ORKO WAY!

The crew accept an invitation to name a street on Eternia.

[cwickham]

WHO CARES? MORK AWAY!

Doug Naylor agrees to an ill-advised crossover with the late-seventies/early-eighties sitcom “Mork & Mindy”.

[Dave]

WHO CARES? OVERLOOK PAGE 87 AWAY

Dave begins to suspect that Si and cwickham didn’t read the end of the previous page.

[si]

WHO CARES? OVERLOOK PAGE 87 AWAY

Dave begins to suspect that Si and cwickham didn’t read the end of the previous page.

To be fair to me, yours was right at the bottom of the page.
Mine wasn’t though, so cwickham’s got no excuse.

[Pete Part Three]

THE EXPOSITOR

Si clears up a misunderstanding in the “Idea for an Episode” thread.

[Dave]

MORKWARDS

Buttersweet sitcom about a couple, Mindy and Mork, who ultimately grow apart until one of them gets sent off to an alien planet.

[Pete Part Three]

IDEA FOR AN EPIDEME 2

A forum regular thinks up a funny idea for a sequel to the classic episode Epideme and considers posting it in the “Idea for an Episode” thread. However, he cannot think of a funny pun for the title so gives up on the whole sorry enterprise. Also, it’s stopped raining.

[evilmorwen]

WHO CARES? ZORK AWAY!

rather than deliver the message that Kryten and Rimmer are in trouble, after having gone moon hopping, Kryten’s hand loads up a copy of Zork on the JMC computer and starts playing it.

[Katydid]

SIRENS-HEAD

Lister swaps Rimmer’s H for a foghorn that blows every time he thinks about girls. Hilarity ensues.

[Katydid]

ALL THE PRES-EGG-DENT’S MEN

Lister inadvertently brings back a pocket full of John F. Kennedy’s eggs during the events of Tikka, which upon hatching reveal him to have been a secret polymorph. Hijinks ensue as the morphlings take after their father and try to violently bonk anything and everything that moves, causing the audience to vomit and flee the studio as they are showered with KY jelly and bits of animatronic.

[Katydid]

WHO CARES? BORK AWAY!

The Dog stars in his very own episode! Zany antics ensue as he sniffs the audience’s genitals for a solid 28 minutes until the authorities arrive and cart him away.

[Dave]

NOSE TACKLE

Hilarity ensues when Cat grows genitals on his face.

[Dave]

WHERE ARE WE TACKLING? WHO NOSE

Rimmer impresses his date with some Zero-G football jokes.

[Dave]

GIVE & TACKLE

Zero-G football training video.

[Ridley]

ANCHORS? AWEIGH!

The Dwarfers enlist in the Space Navy which is totally different to the Space Corps.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

TACKLESLIDES

Kryten finds some rude photos from much later on on the night of his birthday party after everyone has had a few too many to drink.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

TACKLE FOR THE MEMORY

Lister gifts Rimmer the memory of a truly spectacular tackle he executed on the school playing fields.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

TACKLE TV

Kryten secretly films the female prisoners naked, rugby tackling each other.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

TACKLETICA

In a bid to wipe out human kind, a group of Simulants travel back in time and make male genitalia illegal.

[Dave]

TACKLE TO RIDE

A desperate-for-sex Lister makes an advert to display on the side of Red Dwarf.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART TWENTY-SIX

The sheep and chickens on Lister’s farm on Fiji have a total of 99 heads and feet. There are twice as many chickens as sheep. How many of each are there?

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART TWENTY-SEVEN

Lister can eat 100 curries in half a minute, and Selby can eat half as many in twice as much time. How many curries can they both eat in 15 seconds?

[Dave]

IT REALLY GETS YOUR “TACKLE” UP, THERE’S NO SUCH WORD AS “TECKLE”

While in quarantine, Kryten instructs an irritable Cat on exactly how to describe his erection.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART TWENTY-EIGHT

An insane scientist creates seven hologrammatic copies of Rimmer programmed to kill the other Dwarfers. All of the evil copies are hard light and operate using light bees identical to the real Rimmer’s. However, the real Rimmer’s light is slightly heavier than the copies, which is the only way to tell them apart.

Kryten creates a balancing scale which is so sensitive it allows them to measure the density of light of the holograms, and then sets off an anti-hologram pulse which knocks all the Rimmers unconscious.

What is the smallest number of weighings required for the Dwarfers to tell which is the real Rimmer?

[Pete Part Three]

THE INVIGILATOR

Cwickham paces around the school hall as the latest “Maths in the Red” exam is sat. Unfortunately, no one gave me a ham with my homework.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART TWENTY-NINE

On a jungle planet, the Dwarfers (except for Rimmer, who is back on Starbug) are captured by a group of GELFs who give them one chance to escape with their lives. Lister, Kryten and Cat are each bound to a stake. Kryten is at the front and can’t see either of the others, Cat is in the middle so he can see Kryten, and Lister is at the back and can see both Cat and Kryten.

The GELFs produce five hats, three of which are black and two of which are white. The Dwarfers are all blindfolded, and each has a hat put on their head. The remaining two hats are hidden away. The blindfolds are removed, and they are told that if just one of them can guess what colour hat they’re wearing, they will all be set free. Time passes, and eventually Kryten correctly states what colour his hat is. How did he know?

[Pete Part Three]

A PROMISED LAND

Eager for another curry hunt through time, Lister switches Kryten to Spare Head 2. When they end up in the US in August 1961, Kryten again suggests they head to Hawaii to catch some surf and this time gets his wish. Unfortunately, due to a sequence of events too contrived to document here, they inadvertently prevent the birth of Barack Obama. Whoopsy!

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY

The insane scientist from Maths in the Red Part Twenty-Eight comes back. This time he’s created eleven identical copies of Rimmer. The real Rimmer’s light is either slightly heavier or slightly lighter than the copies, but the Dwarfers aren’t sure which. Using the measuring scale, what is the minimum number of weighings required to work out which is the real Rimmer?

[Dave]

THE PROMISED HAM

33 years later, Holly finally gives Rimmer a ham with his homework.

[cwickham]

ANSWERS IN THE RED PART TWO

14) From most to least important: Lister > Kryten > Snacky > Skutters > Cat > Dispenser 23 > Rimmer > Taiwan Tony

15) The time is 5.30, as shown on Kochanski’s clock. The clocks were set at 8.00, as shown on Hollister’s clock. 12.45 is Petersen’s, 3.25 is Rimmer’s, 10.30 is Selby’s, and 7.05 is Chen’s.

16) Lister can get through three curries, five ice-creams and fourteen drinks

17) One. Suppose one of Hollister’s grandparents-in-law had a daughter and two sons. If the first son got married and had a daughter whom Hollister later married, and Hollister himself were the son of the original daughter, and Hollister had a brother and a sister and the sister married the son of the second son of Hollister’s grandparent-in-law, whilst the brother married the daughter of the second son, then a single invitation would cover everyone.

18) 24 miles — every mile Lister covered took half an hour

19) Cat

20) 43

21) If 7x + 18y = 233, then the small boxes had five tubes each and the large boxes had eleven tubes each

22) Five cows, one pig and one sheep

23) He should take one of the notes and immediately swallow it. The GELFs will then look at the remaining piece of paper, see it says ‘DEATH’, and can only conclude that the paper Lister took said ‘LIFE’.

24) The only lockers that remain open will be perfect squares, up to 31 squared (since 32 squared is greater than 1,000). So there will be 31 lockers open.

25) One Stirmaster 3000, 29 Deluxes, and 70 standard Stirmasters

26) 9 sheep and 18 chickens

27) 62.5 curries

28) Two. For the first measurement, they should weigh three of the Rimmers against three others, leaving the remaining two to one side. If the scale is even, then one of the two Rimmers not on the scale must be the real one, so they only need to weigh them to find out. If the scales are uneven, they should take away the three on the heavier end, weigh one of them against another, and leave the third to one side. If the scales are uneven, they’ve found the real Rimmer; if they are balanced, the real Rimmer is the one not on the scale.

29) Cat can see both of the other two, so if both of them were wearing white hats, he would know his hat is black. Since he says nothing, Kryten and Lister both deduce that at least one of them must be wearing a black hat. If Kryten was wearing a white hat, Lister would therefore know that his own hat is black, but since Lister says nothing Kryten realises he must be wearing a black hat himself.

30) They need three weighings. First, weigh four Rimmers against four others.

If both sides of the scales are equal, all eight Rimmers can be eliminated. Put three of the four remaining Rimmers onto one side, and three of the eliminated ones on the other. If both sides are still equal, the last remaining Rimmer is the real one. If the side with the Rimmers still under consideration moves up or down, weigh one of those three Rimmers against one of the others, and the third Rimmer is set aside. If both sides are equal, the third Rimmer is the real one. If the scales move, the real Rimmer is the one that moves in the same direction that the three Rimmers under consideration moved in the previous weighing.

If, when they first weigh four of the Rimmers against four of the other Rimmers, the scales are not equal, take one Rimmer from each side and switch them. One one side only, remove the other three and set them aside for later. Replace them with three Rimmers from the four left on the table (now known not to be the real one).

If the two sides are now equal, the real Rimmer is among the three set aside. Weigh one against another, and set the third aside. If the sides are equal, the real Rimmer is the third one. If the scales move, the real Rimmer is the one that moved in the same direction as it did in the first weighing.

If the two sides move in different directions as in the first weighing, the real Rimmer is one of the two that switched places. Weigh one of the two against any of the other ten. If both sides are equal, the real Rimmer is the one left out. If the scales move, the Rimmer on the scales that’s under consideration is the real one.

If the two sides move in the same direction as in the first weighing, the real Rimmer is one of the three that hadn’t moved from its side. Weigh one of the three against another, and set the third aside. If the sides are equal, the real Rimmer is the third one. If the scales move, the real Rimmer is the one that moved in the same direction as it did in the previous weighings.

[Dave]

PLOTHOLES OF THE MATHOCALYPSE

29) Cat can see both of the other two, so if both of them were wearing white hats, he would know his hat is black. Since he says nothing, Kryten and Lister both deduce that at least one of them must be wearing a black hat. If Kryten was wearing a white hat, Lister would therefore know that his own hat is black, but since Lister says nothing Kryten realises he must be wearing a black hat himself.

Of course, this solution relies on both Cat and Lister being smart enough to work this stuff out…

[evilmorwen]

YOU’VE GOT DRAINS, MAN. DRAINS YOU’VE NEVER USED.

The Inquisitor, as Lister, points out to Lister that he could very well just have a shower occasionally.

[Dave]

YOU’VE GOT TRAINS, MAN – TRAINS YOU’VE NEVER USED

Inquisito-Lister ponders why the Red Dwarf metro system described in the novels has never been seen in the show

[Dave]

YOU’VE GOT PANES, MAN – PANES YOU’VE NEVER USED

Inquisito-Lister ponders why the series didn’t begin with french windows behind a sofa.

[Dave]

YOU’VE GOT DANES, MAN – DANES YOU’VE NEVER USED

Inquisito-Lister ponders why Petersen was never promoted to series regular.

[Dave]

YOU’VE GOT HAYNES, MAN – HAYNES YOU’VE NEVER USED

Inquisito-Lister ponders why the graphics from the Starbug and Red Dwarf user manual T-shirts have never been seen on-screen.

[evilmorwen]

YOU’VE GOT WEANS MAN, WEANS YOU’VE NEVER USED

Inquisito-Lister ponders whether Jim and Bexley might not make an appearance in the next Red Dwarf special, since they’re the most significant loose end.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

YOU’VE GOT TRAINS MAN – TRAINS YOU’VE ONLY USED IN SERIES VIII

A forum user would like to remind Dave that we do in fact see these trains in series VIII a couple of times.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

YOU’VE GOT STAINS, MAN – STAINS YOU’VE NEVER USED

Cat can’t believe Lister hasn’t published his dirty laundry basket as a novel as he is adamant an exciting crime drama resides within.

[Dave]

YOU’VE GOT SERIES VIII DVDs, MAN – SERIES VIII DVDs YOU’VE NEVER USED

A forum user acknowledges his earlier mistake and offers mitigating evidence.

[evilmorwen]

YOU’VE GOT MEMES, MAN – MEMES YOU’VE NEVER USED

A forum user marvels at the ability to generate novel snowclones on a 4 year old thread.

[cwickham]

BINMEN TIME!

Gordon Kennedy assaults Danny John-Jules’ binmen.

[cwickham]

HO CHI MINH TIME!

Gordon Kennedy travels to a city in Vietnam.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

BUYING TIME SHARES!

Gordon Kennedy is suckered in to an 80s holiday home scheme.

[Dave]

YOU’VE GOT QUATRAINS, MAN – QUATRAINS YOU’VE NEVER USED

Inquisito-Lister berates Craig Charles for the lack of variety in his poetry.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

YOU’VE GOT LANES MAN – LANES YOU’VE NEVER USED.

Inquisito-Lister gets stuck behind a driver hogging the middle lane of a motorway and shouts out the window at him.

[Dave]

YOU’VE GOT STAINES, MAN – STAINES YOU’VE NEVER USED

Inquisito-Lister wonders why Lister never stayed in a flat he owns in a town just off the M3.

[Dave]

GRIND THOSE BALLS SIR, GRIND THEM!

Kryten encourages Rimmer to become an exotic dancer.

[Dave]

FIND THOSE BALLS SIR, FIND THEM!

Kryten encourages Rimmer to find his pétanques set.

[Dave]

MIND THOSE BALLS SIR, MIND THEM!

Kryten encourages Rimmer to become a goalkeeper.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

SHINE THOSE BALLS SIR, SHINE THEM!

Kryten encourages Rimmer to polish his bowling balls.

[cwickham]

BIND THOSE BALLS SIR, BIND THEM!

Kryten encourages Rimmer to tie a rubber band around his scrotum.

[Joe]

GRIND THOSE BALLS SIR, GRIND THEM! PART 2

Kryten approves of and encourages Warden Knot’s unusual methods of punishment.

[cwickham]

SKINNER

The quantum skipper comes back, and takes Rimmer to a variety of parallel universes where he is a stand-up comedian, an elementary school principal in America, the star of the sitcom Outnumbered, and a useless ex-politician.

[cwickham]

SKIMMER

The quantum skipper comes back, and takes Rimmer to a universe made entirely of skimmed milk.

[cwickham]

SLIPPER

The quantum skipper comes back, and takes Rimmer to a universe where everyone always wears slippers.

[cwickham]

TELLYSNATCHER

Rimmer steals the body parts of Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TUBBYSNATCHER

Rimmer steals the body parts of Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, La-La and Po.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

HUBBYSNATCHER

Rimmer has an affair with someone’s husband, who runs away with him.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

SHIPPER

The quantum skipper comes back and takes Rimmer to a universe composed entirely of people wishing different TV characters would get together.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

GRIPPER

The quantum skipper comes back and takes Rimmer to a universe where he is the Grip on the Red Dwarf TV show.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

NIPPER

The quantum skipper comes back and takes Rimmer to a universe where he is a small child.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

SHITTER

The quantum skipper comes back and takes Rimmer to a universe where he really needs a shit.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE SHITTER

Rimmer dimension-skips to a world where it’s Series VIII again.

[Dave]

SLIPPER

Rimmer dimension-skips to somewhere with really cosy footwear.

[Dave]

MR HAT

Rimmer dimenson-skips to a world where Lister didn’t leave a cat or a rat behind when he went into stasis, but his Series III-V leather deerstalker hat. Nothing evolves from this but a space-crazy Lister keeps it around and talks to it like it’s alive.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

MR GUITAR

Rimmer skips into a universe where Lister’s guitar evolves into a humanoid with sentience

[cwickham]

SAVALAS AND PARANOIA

Lister has hallucinations of Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TELLYFORM

The Dwarfers crash-land on a psi-moon created from the mind of Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

THANKS FOR THE TELLY

Lister gives Rimmer his memories of Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TELLYMORPH

The Dwarfers encounter a genetically engineered life-form that takes the form of Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TELLYSWAP

Rimmer swaps bodies with Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TELLYSLIDES

The Dwarfers travel into the past using the family photo album of Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

THE LAST TELLY

Kryten learns he is to be replaced by Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

BACK TO TELLY

The Dwarfers wake up to realise they are all really the cast of Kojak.

[cwickham]

TELLY TO RIDE

Lister uses the time drive in an attempt to save the life of Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TELLY TV

Kryten starts up a TV channel that only shows repeats of Kojak.

[cwickham]

TELLY THE GOOD…

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Telly Savalas turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

TELLYJAN

Rimmer’s brother is really Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

FATHERS AND SAVALAS

Lister’s father is really Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TELLYTICA

The Dwarfers discover a parallel version of America populated solely by Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

SAVALASARA

Lister gets trapped on a crashed spaceship with Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

CAN OF SAVALAS

The Cat falls in love with Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

SAVALASICONIA

The Dwarfers are all turned into Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TELLYWAVE

The Dwarfers arrive on board a ship where it is illegal to not be Telly Savalas.

[cwickham]

TELLYWAVE

It turns out there are more Red Dwarf episode titles where one of the words in the name “Telly Savalas” can be shoehorned in to make a pun that makes sense than you’d think.

[cwickham]

FATHERS AND SAVELOYS

Lister’s father is really a sausage.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

FEMALE TOPLESS BOXING?

Running out of episode ideas, Doug questions whether he could film and broadcast 30mins of female topless boxing and get away with it

[evilmorwen]

BETTER THAN TELLY SAVALAS

An early attempt at creating an immersive video game that fails simply because participants reject the idea that anyone or anything could be better than Telly Savalas.

[Author]

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