Idea for an episode.

[evilmorwen]

IF YOU SEE SID… TELL HIM WE’RE ON THE 89th PAGE

a promotional film from the 1980s about the benefits of shitposting

[cwickham]

BUBLESNATCHER

Rimmer steals the credit for all Michael Bublé’s songs.

[Pete Part Three]

THANKSGIVING FOR THE MEMORY

Rimmer decides to create a new holiday, giving thanks for the memory of the sacrifice for the blessing of the harvest. Then he realises that this fulfils much of the same remit as Thanksgiving so gives up on the idea.

[Pete Part Three]

BLACK FRIDAY IN THE RED

Lister pops to the ship’s mall to see whether anything is on offer in the sales. Then he remembers that everyone is dead and everything is available for a five-finger discount. Result!

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

BLACK FRIDAY TO REALITY

Lister heads to the Black Friday sales but Holly snaps him out of it, reminding him they’re just selling him things he wouldn’t have bought anyway so isn’t in fact saving money.

[cwickham]

BLACK FRIDAY TO EARTH

Grant Naylor Productions attempts to flog their surplus of Back to Earth DVDs at a discount.

[cwickham]

EMOKOJAK – TELLYMORPH II

The Dwarfers encounter a genetically engineered life-form that takes the form of Telly Savalas. Again.

[Dave]

HOLLY HOP

Holly grows a leg.

[Dave]

HOLLY HOP DRIVE

Holly grows a leg and jumps in a car.

[Dave]

FAITH, HOP AND CHARITY

Holly grows a leg, starts his own religion and asks everyone to donate him their spare shoes.

[cwickham]

AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS HOP

Holly looks back on the day he grew a leg, and decides it was the best day of his life.

[cwickham]

AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS HOPS

Holly decides hops are the best ingredient in beer.

[cwickham]

AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS UPS

Holly names his favourite American parcel delivery service.

[By Jove its holmes]

HOLLY STROP

Normal Lovett gets into another fight with Grant Naylor.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE HOP

When the nanobots recreate Red Dwarf, Holly is delighted to find he has his old leg again.

[Dave]

HOP IN THE BACK

Holly offers to give the crew a lift in his new car.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-ONE

For some reason, the Dwarfers return to the jungle planet from Maths in the Red Part Twenty-Nine, and are immediately recaptured. This time the chance to escape is different.

Kryten, Cat, Lister and Rimmer are all lined up in that order, so each can see the ones in front of him but not the ones behind him; so Kryten can’t see anyone, and Rimmer can see everyone. One hat is placed on each of their heads. Each of the four hats is one of three different colours (red, green and blue), and there is at least one hat of each colour. Each of the Dwarfers, starting with Rimmer at the back and moving forwards so Lister, Cat and Kryten are then asked in that order, are asked the colour of the hat they are wearing. To the GELFs’ amazement, all four of them are able to answer correctly. What arrangement of the hats permits this to be possible without guessing?

[Flap Jack]

Kryten and Cat’s hats are the same colour, and Lister and Rimmer’s hats are different colours.

But the GELF is right to be amazed.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-TWO

Ackerman wants to punish all the prisoners by switching all the lights in The Tank on and off at random. The lightswitch for The Tank is in another room, and the lights are currently switched off. There are three other switches next to the lightswitch that don’t do anything. From the room with the switches in it, Ackerman can’t see if the lights are on or off.

Ackerman may flip the switches as much as he likes, but when he enters the Tank for the first time, he must be able to say which switch controls the lights without leaving again. (He can’t open the door to the Tank without entering.) How can he determine which switch controls the lights?

[Flap Jack]

He either flicks the 4 switches different numbers of times, or leaves a noticeable gap between each flick. Then when he enters The Tank (for the first way) he notes whether the lights are currently on, and asks the prisoners how many times the lights came on/turned off before he arrived, or (for the second way) asks them how long ago it was that the light came on.

I’m sure they’d be happy to oblige. Well, Rimmer probably would.

Backup plan if the prisoners can’t be trusted to talk and tell the truth:

1. Leave switch #1 alone.
2. Flick switches #2 and #3.
3. Wait several minutes.
4. Flick switch #2 off, and switch #4 on.
5. Immediately go into The Tank, and feel one of the lightbulbs.

If the lights are off and the bulb is cold, #1 is the light switch.
If the lights are off and the bulb is warm, #2 is the light switch.
If the lights are on and the bulb is warm, #3 is the light switch.
If the lights are on and the bulb is cold, #4 is the light switch.

But if the prisoners won’t cooperate, and they can’t be heard making any noise from the switch room in reaction to the light coming on, and either the bulbs are inaccessible or they get hot too quickly or they don’t warm up when turned on at all, then I’m out of solutions.

Ackerman can just redundantly use 3 extra switches every time, or contact one of Red Dwarf’s many electricians, or find someone smarter than me to solve this problem, or just not resort to cruel and childish light switch based punishments, jeez.

[Dave]

MATHS TO REALITY

All of the maths puzzles from MATHS IN THE RED wake up and find that their entire life has been a lie, and they are in fact logic puzzles.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-THREE

(13 + 1 + 20 + 8 + 5 + 13 + 1 + 20 + 9 + 3 + 1 + 12) + (18 + 5 + 1 + 19 + 15 + 14 + 9 + 14 + 7) + (16 + 21 + 26 + 26 + 12 + 5 + 26) = (1 + 3 + 20 + 21 + 1 + 12 + 12 + 25) + (19 + 15) + (20 + 8 + 5 + 19 + 5)

[cwickham]

BRIGHTEST BLUE

New version of Blue where the Munchkin Song is performed by Ellie Goulding.

[Dave]

WATT THINGS – I SAID WATT!

Rimmer gets frustrated after forgetting what lightbulbs are called.

[Dave]

HOT THINGS – I SAID HOT!

Rimmer asks for his soup to be heated up.

[Dave]

COT THINGS – I SAID COT!

Rimmer orders the Skutters to build a nursery for Jim and Bexley.

[Dave]

TOT THINGS – I SAID TOT!

Arlene Rimmer objectifies the Red Dwarf crew of our universe.

[Ian Symes]

MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-THREE

(13 + 1 + 20 + 8 + 5 + 13 + 1 + 20 + 9 + 3 + 1 + 12) + (18 + 5 + 1 + 19 + 15 + 14 + 9 + 14 + 7) + (16 + 21 + 26 + 26 + 12 + 5 + 26) = (1 + 3 + 20 + 21 + 1 + 12 + 12 + 25) + (19 + 15) + (20 + 8 + 5 + 19 + 5)

9 + 19 + 23 + 25 + 4 + 20

[Katydid]

BUTTER THAN LIFE

After secretly milking the Cat, Rimmer markets a brand new butter. These two things are unrelated.

[Dave]

POT THINGS – I SAID POT!

Rimmer tries to encourage Lister to seal the White Hole.

[Dave]

BOT THINGS – I SAID BOT!

Rimmer becomes obsessed with people’s buttocks.

[cwickham]

N/A

The DNA machine doesn’t come back.

[By Jove its holmes]

SAINT PATRICK’S DAY
Lister finds out he’s really Irish. The episode parodies both “Father Ted” and “Derry Girls”. It is as shite as it sounds.

[Dave]

IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DYE

Kryten discovers the secret to why Rimmer’s costume changes colour so often.

[Dave]

IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DIET

Kryten hides all of Rimmer’s chocolate and booze.

[Dave]

IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DINE

Kryten makes Rimmer some dinner.

[Dave]

IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DIAL

Kryten insists that Rimmer only communicate with him by phone.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DIVIDE

Kryten struggles to teach Rimmer basic mathematics.

[Dave]

IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DRY

When Rimmer discovers what shirt tails are for, Holly immediately digitally removes his hologrammatic effluence.

[Dave]

IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO FRY

Rimmer gets a job in a Fish and Chip shop.

[Dave]

IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DEIFY

Alternative title for The Promised Land that will appear on the 4K boxset.

[Flap Jack]

THIS IS MY DOME, RIGHT HERE!

Due to urgent repairs being needed in the Observation Dome, Kryten tells Rimmer he’ll have to find a different area of Red Dwarf with a hemispherical transparent roof to sulk in. He doesn’t take the news well.

[Flap Jack]

THIS IS MY TOME, RIGHT HERE!

Lister spends half an hour reciting The Book of Smeg to the rest of the crew.

[Flap Jack]

THIS IS MY COMB, RIGHT HERE!

After another accidental M-Corp upgrade, all of The Cat’s hair products become invisible.

[Flap Jack]

THIS IS MY GNOME, RIGHT HERE!

Rimmer persuades everyone to contribute personalised ornaments to the Red Dwarf Botanical Garden, but they can’t seem to find the one placed by Kryten. Exasperated, Kryten points out a remade Archie, placed on its end and wearing a hat and beard.

[Flap Jack]

THIS IS MY FOAM, LIGHT BEER!

With an eye on his health, Lister switches to drinking a variant of Leopard Lager which is lower in fat, but is disappointed by its head to body ratio.

[Flap Jack]

D.A.T.

The Cat teams up with Cardi B to write and perform a song about Crit Cop’s hypothetical wife.

[si]

F.A.T.

Rob Grant’s new Red Dwarf script is an adaptation of his 2006 novel.

[Pete Part Three]

C&A

C&A is a Belgian-German-Dutch chain of fast-fashion retail clothing stores, with European head offices in Vilvoorde, Belgium, and Düsseldorf, Germany. It has retail stores in many European countries. It serves only the largest markets of Asia, North America and South America. C&A’s brands include Angelo Litrico, Avanti, Canda, Clockhouse, Here+There, Palomino, Rodeo (ski and snowboard clothes), Westbury, Yessica, Yessica Pure and, Your Sixth Sense.

[Ridley]

C&P moar like.

[cwickham]

THANKS EVERMORE MEMORIES

The announcement of another Taylor Swift album brings back memories of one of this thread’s most inexplicable running jokes.

[evilmorwen]

EVERMORE: FOLKLORE 2

This unnecessary sequel to Folklore features return appearances from the woman whose wedding Taylor Swift ruins in “Speak Now”, and Harry Styles.

[Ridley]

G&T Evermore no like?

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

FOLKLORE AND EVERMORE

During a global pandemic where the virus has evolved, the entire world hallucinates the manifestation of two brand new Taylor Swift albums at the same time.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

BACK TO EVERMORE

The crew find themselves in a universe where they have to convince Taylor Swift to release another album to ensure their survival.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

THE PROMISED EVERMORE

A cult group of Taylor Swift fans follow her around and worship the ground she walks on, believing she will be their saviour and release another studio album.

[evilmorwen]

DAYDREAMS AND NIGHTMARES

An experiment with a machine – a Triplicator – that can make duplicates of an object goes wrong, causing Taylor Swift’s record label Big Machine to explode. Taylor Swift escapes but finds the Triplicator has made two copies of in place of the original Big Machine. One of these copies has extracted the “good” qualities of the former vessel, and the other has extracted the “bad” qualities. Swift boards one, first meeting an angelic version of herself, (from the Fearless era), then to the other, meeting her demonic version (from the Reputation era).

[Dave]

SOMEBODY, PLEASE – GET ME A TAYLOR

When Cat is injured in a Starbug crash and becomes delirious, he insists that a bland but popular and inoffensive early-21st-century popstar be brought to his bedside immediately.

[evilmorwen]

FIFTEEN

Taylor Swift muses on her life as a teenager, in particular the incident when her best friend,”Porky” Roebuck, led a group of fellow classmates to try and southern barbecue her.

[cwickham]

1989

Taylor Swift album about the production of Red Dwarf III.

[Pete Part Three]

PARTNERSHIP SWIFT

Taylor Swift steps into the triplicator and produces two copies of herself. This allows her to join the weekly game of cards, by pairing up with Lister, Rimmer and the Cat. Kryten is pleased at the sight of this wholesome activity.

[Pete Part Three]

PARTNERSHIP SWIFT NO TRUMPS

Donald Trump tries to join in the game. But everyone calls him a worthless cunt so he has a cry.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-FOUR

A group of GELFs decide to attack Red Dwarf. They team up with a group of GELFs from a neighbouring galaxy who speak a totally different language to them, so they need an interpreter who speaks both their languages.

A third group of GELFs show up, who speak another language neither of the first two speak. This continues until there are 47 different types of GELF, each of whom attack Red Dwarf with ten warriors. Why shouldn’t the Dwarfers be especially worried by the attack?

[Dave]

Because they’re all BEGGs and they choke to death immediately.

[cwickham]

The real answer is that there’ll be more than twice as many interpreters as there are warriors but that’s funnier

[Katydid]

I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU, I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEET

Cat’s refuses to listen to Lister’s critique of his new foot fetish novel.

[cwickham]

FLEA.N.A.

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a flea.

[cwickham]

VIRGIN NA

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a range of sci-fi novels spun off from a cancelled TV show published between 1991 and 1997.

[cwickham]

GLEE.N.A.

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a TV show about singing.

[si]

Ignore this, it was never here.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

FLEA.N.A PART 2

The DNA machine turns Lister into the bassist of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and then proceeds to shit everywhere

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

PREE.N.A

The DNA machine turns Lister in Pree, which gives everyone a double polaroid.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

BEEGEE.N.A

The DNA machine turns Lister into Robin Gibb

[cwickham]

Ignore this, it was never here.

Okay!

[evilmorwen]

BEE.N.A.

The DNA machine turns Lister into a bee.

[cwickham]

ALICE IN RIMMERWORLD

Unproduced 1993 Christmas special that was devised as a way of being able to recycle both sets and props from Rimmerworld and the BBC’s 1986 adaptation of Alice in Wonderland.

[cwickham]

THE NUTSMEGGER

Unproduced 1995 Christmas special where Lister goes around hitting people on the head with a nutcracker.

[cwickham]

BACK TO NATIVITY

Unproduced 1996 Christmas special where Lister wakes up and realises he is really the son of God.

[cwickham]

A DAVEY LISTER CHRISTMAS

Unproduced 1998 Christmas special which would have been animated, and all about Lister going down to the cargo hold to get a Christmas tree and returning with a tiny sapling. Not produced after multiple threats of legal action.

[cwickham]

MILLENNIUM

Unproduced 2000 Christmas special where the Dwarfers experience the effects of the Millennium Bug three million years too late. Not produced after threats of legal action from Robbie Williams, who got the wrong end of the stick.

[cwickham]

PANTOMORPH

Unproduced 2002 Christmas special where the Dwarfers stage a pantomime using a live polymorph to play all other roles and scenery, but it ends up killing them instead.

[cwickham]

‘TWAS THE THREE MILLION YEARS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Unproduced 2003 Christmas special which is just Lister reading out the original poem with some words changed after Doug Naylor hurriedly attempted to capitalise on the commission of a new series of Doctor Who.

[cwickham]

THE SMEGMAN

Unproduced 2004 Christmas special which parodies The Snowman, the key difference being that the titular character has been constructed entirely from smeg. Not produced on grounds of good taste.

[cwickham]

BODYSNOWER

Failed attempt to get Bodysnatcher broadcast on TV as a 2007 Christmas special by just drawing snowflakes on all the storyboards.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

THE HOLOGRAM OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE

Christmas theme remaster to series 2 episode Stasis Leak would have seen sleigh bells added over the opening and closing title music, the date on the wall changed to December 24th, and Santa hats digitally added to all the cast members heads.

[Flap Jack]

THE SKUTTER CHRISTMAS CAROL

Adaptation of the classic Charles Dickens novella ‘A Christmas Carol’ in which most roles are played by Skutters, with only a few key roles played by non-Skutters.

Chris Barrie as Arnold Rimmer as Ebenezer Scrooge
Craig Charles as David Lister as Fred
Chloë Annett as Kristine Kochanski as Clara
Jane Horrocks as Nirvanah Crane as Belle
Danny John-Jules as The Cat as The Ghost of Christmas Past
Robert Llewellyn as Kryten as The Ghost of Christmas Present
David Ross as Talkie Toaster as The Toast of Christmas Future

Among the Skutter roles, Bob the Skutter fought hard to play the role of Bob Cratchit (“my name is literally Bob already, come on!”), but was not deemed a good enough actor and was cast as an extra instead.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

THE KNIGHT THAT ESCAPED FROM THE AR MACHINE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

A stop motion Christmas special starring the Knight from the AR machine in Stoke playing the titular role of Jack in Tim Burton’s festive classic.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

DECK THE HALL WITH HEADS OF HOLLY

In a lame attempt at decorating, Lister instructs Holly to project himself onto every corridor on the ship.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

OUROBORMAS

After discovering a nexus like tear in the universe, Lister figures out that he is his own Father Christmas.

[cwickham]

THE HOLLY AND THE IVY

Holly meets another computer called Ivy, and learns the true meaning of Christmas.

[cwickham]

RIMMERWORLDFUL CHRISTMASTIME

Paul McCartney arrives on Rimmerworld and leads all the Rimmers in a rendition of his well-known Christmas song.

[cwickham]

WHAT CHRISTMAS MEANS TO ME²

The two Rimmers have a furious argument over Stevie Wonder songs whilst Cat eats all the turkey.

[cwickham]

I SAW MOMMY QUEEGING SANTA CLAUS

Holly travels back in time to replace Santa Claus with his alter ego.

[cwickham]

SMEGGING AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

Everyone has too many prunes for Christmas lunch.

[Ridley]

CHRISTMAS CAROL, NEXT CORPSE, PLEASE

Following the radiation leak, a JMC Health Secretary opens the stasis booths on Christmas Day so any crew members undergoing punishment get to see their colleagues over the holiday.

[cwickham]

D.N.ADVENT

Unproduced 1991 Christmas special where the DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into 24 squares of chocolate.

[cwickham]

FATHERS AND SOVEREIGNS

Unproduced 2013 Christmas special where Lister discovers his real father is King Herod.

[cwickham]

A CURED MASS CAROL

Deeply ill-advised unproduced 2019 Christmas special where the Dwarfers build millions of copies of the android version of Hitler and send them back in time to try and get the real Hitler to change his ways.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

STAY ANOTHER LAST DAY

East 17 top the charts at Christmas with a song about Kryten potentially being switched off.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

IM DREAMING OF A WHITE MIDGET CHRISTMAS

At the news of a Red Dwarf Christmas special, fans hope White Midget will heavily feature.

[Author]

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