Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Idea for an episode.

Viewing 100 posts - 8,801 through 8,900 (of 12,289 total)
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  • #263460
    cwickham
    Participant

    TELLYTICA

    The Dwarfers discover a parallel version of America populated solely by Telly Savalas.

    #263461
    cwickham
    Participant

    SAVALASARA

    Lister gets trapped on a crashed spaceship with Telly Savalas.

    #263462
    cwickham
    Participant

    CAN OF SAVALAS

    The Cat falls in love with Telly Savalas.

    #263463
    cwickham
    Participant

    SAVALASICONIA

    The Dwarfers are all turned into Telly Savalas.

    #263464
    cwickham
    Participant

    TELLYWAVE

    The Dwarfers arrive on board a ship where it is illegal to not be Telly Savalas.

    #263465
    cwickham
    Participant

    TELLYWAVE

    It turns out there are more Red Dwarf episode titles where one of the words in the name “Telly Savalas” can be shoehorned in to make a pun that makes sense than you’d think.

    #263466
    cwickham
    Participant

    FATHERS AND SAVELOYS

    Lister’s father is really a sausage.

    #263467

    FEMALE TOPLESS BOXING?

    Running out of episode ideas, Doug questions whether he could film and broadcast 30mins of female topless boxing and get away with it

    #263468
    evilmorwen
    Participant

    BETTER THAN TELLY SAVALAS

    An early attempt at creating an immersive video game that fails simply because participants reject the idea that anyone or anything could be better than Telly Savalas.

    #263469
    evilmorwen
    Participant

    IF YOU SEE SID… TELL HIM WE’RE ON THE 89th PAGE

    a promotional film from the 1980s about the benefits of shitposting

    #263472
    cwickham
    Participant

    BUBLESNATCHER

    Rimmer steals the credit for all Michael Bublé’s songs.

    #263473
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    THANKSGIVING FOR THE MEMORY

    Rimmer decides to create a new holiday, giving thanks for the memory of the sacrifice for the blessing of the harvest. Then he realises that this fulfils much of the same remit as Thanksgiving so gives up on the idea.

    #263474
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    BLACK FRIDAY IN THE RED

    Lister pops to the ship’s mall to see whether anything is on offer in the sales. Then he remembers that everyone is dead and everything is available for a five-finger discount. Result!

    #263475

    BLACK FRIDAY TO REALITY

    Lister heads to the Black Friday sales but Holly snaps him out of it, reminding him they’re just selling him things he wouldn’t have bought anyway so isn’t in fact saving money.

    #263476
    cwickham
    Participant

    BLACK FRIDAY TO EARTH

    Grant Naylor Productions attempts to flog their surplus of Back to Earth DVDs at a discount.

    #263477
    cwickham
    Participant

    EMOKOJAK – TELLYMORPH II

    The Dwarfers encounter a genetically engineered life-form that takes the form of Telly Savalas. Again.

    #263479
    Dave
    Participant

    HOLLY HOP

    Holly grows a leg.

    #263480
    Dave
    Participant

    HOLLY HOP DRIVE

    Holly grows a leg and jumps in a car.

    #263481
    Dave
    Participant

    FAITH, HOP AND CHARITY

    Holly grows a leg, starts his own religion and asks everyone to donate him their spare shoes.

    #263482
    cwickham
    Participant

    AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS HOP

    Holly looks back on the day he grew a leg, and decides it was the best day of his life.

    #263487
    cwickham
    Participant

    AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS HOPS

    Holly decides hops are the best ingredient in beer.

    #263488
    cwickham
    Participant

    AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS UPS

    Holly names his favourite American parcel delivery service.

    #263490
    By Jove its holmes
    Participant

    HOLLY STROP

    Normal Lovett gets into another fight with Grant Naylor.

    #263491
    Dave
    Participant

    BACK IN THE HOP

    When the nanobots recreate Red Dwarf, Holly is delighted to find he has his old leg again.

    #263492
    Dave
    Participant

    HOP IN THE BACK

    Holly offers to give the crew a lift in his new car.

    #263493
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-ONE

    For some reason, the Dwarfers return to the jungle planet from Maths in the Red Part Twenty-Nine, and are immediately recaptured. This time the chance to escape is different.

    Kryten, Cat, Lister and Rimmer are all lined up in that order, so each can see the ones in front of him but not the ones behind him; so Kryten can’t see anyone, and Rimmer can see everyone. One hat is placed on each of their heads. Each of the four hats is one of three different colours (red, green and blue), and there is at least one hat of each colour. Each of the Dwarfers, starting with Rimmer at the back and moving forwards so Lister, Cat and Kryten are then asked in that order, are asked the colour of the hat they are wearing. To the GELFs’ amazement, all four of them are able to answer correctly. What arrangement of the hats permits this to be possible without guessing?

    #263494
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    Kryten and Cat’s hats are the same colour, and Lister and Rimmer’s hats are different colours.

    But the GELF is right to be amazed.

    #263495
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-TWO

    Ackerman wants to punish all the prisoners by switching all the lights in The Tank on and off at random. The lightswitch for The Tank is in another room, and the lights are currently switched off. There are three other switches next to the lightswitch that don’t do anything. From the room with the switches in it, Ackerman can’t see if the lights are on or off.

    Ackerman may flip the switches as much as he likes, but when he enters the Tank for the first time, he must be able to say which switch controls the lights without leaving again. (He can’t open the door to the Tank without entering.) How can he determine which switch controls the lights?

    #263496
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    He either flicks the 4 switches different numbers of times, or leaves a noticeable gap between each flick. Then when he enters The Tank (for the first way) he notes whether the lights are currently on, and asks the prisoners how many times the lights came on/turned off before he arrived, or (for the second way) asks them how long ago it was that the light came on.

    I’m sure they’d be happy to oblige. Well, Rimmer probably would.

    Backup plan if the prisoners can’t be trusted to talk and tell the truth:

    1. Leave switch #1 alone.
    2. Flick switches #2 and #3.
    3. Wait several minutes.
    4. Flick switch #2 off, and switch #4 on.
    5. Immediately go into The Tank, and feel one of the lightbulbs.

    If the lights are off and the bulb is cold, #1 is the light switch.
    If the lights are off and the bulb is warm, #2 is the light switch.
    If the lights are on and the bulb is warm, #3 is the light switch.
    If the lights are on and the bulb is cold, #4 is the light switch.

    But if the prisoners won’t cooperate, and they can’t be heard making any noise from the switch room in reaction to the light coming on, and either the bulbs are inaccessible or they get hot too quickly or they don’t warm up when turned on at all, then I’m out of solutions.

    Ackerman can just redundantly use 3 extra switches every time, or contact one of Red Dwarf’s many electricians, or find someone smarter than me to solve this problem, or just not resort to cruel and childish light switch based punishments, jeez.

    #263497
    Dave
    Participant

    MATHS TO REALITY

    All of the maths puzzles from MATHS IN THE RED wake up and find that their entire life has been a lie, and they are in fact logic puzzles.

    #263498
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-THREE

    (13 + 1 + 20 + 8 + 5 + 13 + 1 + 20 + 9 + 3 + 1 + 12) + (18 + 5 + 1 + 19 + 15 + 14 + 9 + 14 + 7) + (16 + 21 + 26 + 26 + 12 + 5 + 26) = (1 + 3 + 20 + 21 + 1 + 12 + 12 + 25) + (19 + 15) + (20 + 8 + 5 + 19 + 5)

    #263499
    cwickham
    Participant

    BRIGHTEST BLUE

    New version of Blue where the Munchkin Song is performed by Ellie Goulding.

    #263502
    Dave
    Participant

    WATT THINGS – I SAID WATT!

    Rimmer gets frustrated after forgetting what lightbulbs are called.

    #263503
    Dave
    Participant

    HOT THINGS – I SAID HOT!

    Rimmer asks for his soup to be heated up.

    #263504
    Dave
    Participant

    COT THINGS – I SAID COT!

    Rimmer orders the Skutters to build a nursery for Jim and Bexley.

    #263505
    Dave
    Participant

    TOT THINGS – I SAID TOT!

    Arlene Rimmer objectifies the Red Dwarf crew of our universe.

    #263506
    Ian Symes
    Keymaster

    MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-THREE

    (13 + 1 + 20 + 8 + 5 + 13 + 1 + 20 + 9 + 3 + 1 + 12) + (18 + 5 + 1 + 19 + 15 + 14 + 9 + 14 + 7) + (16 + 21 + 26 + 26 + 12 + 5 + 26) = (1 + 3 + 20 + 21 + 1 + 12 + 12 + 25) + (19 + 15) + (20 + 8 + 5 + 19 + 5)

    9 + 19 + 23 + 25 + 4 + 20

    #263507
    Moonlight
    Participant

    BUTTER THAN LIFE

    After secretly milking the Cat, Rimmer markets a brand new butter. These two things are unrelated.

    #263508
    Dave
    Participant

    POT THINGS – I SAID POT!

    Rimmer tries to encourage Lister to seal the White Hole.

    #263509
    Dave
    Participant

    BOT THINGS – I SAID BOT!

    Rimmer becomes obsessed with people’s buttocks.

    #263510
    cwickham
    Participant

    N/A

    The DNA machine doesn’t come back.

    #263511
    By Jove its holmes
    Participant

    SAINT PATRICK’S DAY
    Lister finds out he’s really Irish. The episode parodies both “Father Ted” and “Derry Girls”. It is as shite as it sounds.

    #263512
    Dave
    Participant

    IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DYE

    Kryten discovers the secret to why Rimmer’s costume changes colour so often.

    #263513
    Dave
    Participant

    IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DIET

    Kryten hides all of Rimmer’s chocolate and booze.

    #263514
    Dave
    Participant

    IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DINE

    Kryten makes Rimmer some dinner.

    #263515
    Dave
    Participant

    IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DIAL

    Kryten insists that Rimmer only communicate with him by phone.

    #263516

    IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DIVIDE

    Kryten struggles to teach Rimmer basic mathematics.

    #263517
    Dave
    Participant

    IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DRY

    When Rimmer discovers what shirt tails are for, Holly immediately digitally removes his hologrammatic effluence.

    #263518
    Dave
    Participant

    IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO FRY

    Rimmer gets a job in a Fish and Chip shop.

    #263519
    Dave
    Participant

    IT’S NOT COMMON, BUT IT’S POSSIBLE FOR A HOLOGRAM TO DEIFY

    Alternative title for The Promised Land that will appear on the 4K boxset.

    #263520
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    THIS IS MY DOME, RIGHT HERE!

    Due to urgent repairs being needed in the Observation Dome, Kryten tells Rimmer he’ll have to find a different area of Red Dwarf with a hemispherical transparent roof to sulk in. He doesn’t take the news well.

    #263521
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    THIS IS MY TOME, RIGHT HERE!

    Lister spends half an hour reciting The Book of Smeg to the rest of the crew.

    #263522
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    THIS IS MY COMB, RIGHT HERE!

    After another accidental M-Corp upgrade, all of The Cat’s hair products become invisible.

    #263523
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    THIS IS MY GNOME, RIGHT HERE!

    Rimmer persuades everyone to contribute personalised ornaments to the Red Dwarf Botanical Garden, but they can’t seem to find the one placed by Kryten. Exasperated, Kryten points out a remade Archie, placed on its end and wearing a hat and beard.

    #263524
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    THIS IS MY FOAM, LIGHT BEER!

    With an eye on his health, Lister switches to drinking a variant of Leopard Lager which is lower in fat, but is disappointed by its head to body ratio.

    #263525
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    D.A.T.

    The Cat teams up with Cardi B to write and perform a song about Crit Cop’s hypothetical wife.

    #263527
    si
    Participant

    F.A.T.

    Rob Grant’s new Red Dwarf script is an adaptation of his 2006 novel.

    #263528
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    C&A

    C&A is a Belgian-German-Dutch chain of fast-fashion retail clothing stores, with European head offices in Vilvoorde, Belgium, and Düsseldorf, Germany. It has retail stores in many European countries. It serves only the largest markets of Asia, North America and South America. C&A’s brands include Angelo Litrico, Avanti, Canda, Clockhouse, Here+There, Palomino, Rodeo (ski and snowboard clothes), Westbury, Yessica, Yessica Pure and, Your Sixth Sense.

    #263529
    Ridley
    Participant

    C&P moar like.

    #263556
    cwickham
    Participant

    THANKS EVERMORE MEMORIES

    The announcement of another Taylor Swift album brings back memories of one of this thread’s most inexplicable running jokes.

    #263557
    evilmorwen
    Participant

    EVERMORE: FOLKLORE 2

    This unnecessary sequel to Folklore features return appearances from the woman whose wedding Taylor Swift ruins in “Speak Now”, and Harry Styles.

    #263558
    Ridley
    Participant

    G&T Evermore no like?

    #263562

    FOLKLORE AND EVERMORE

    During a global pandemic where the virus has evolved, the entire world hallucinates the manifestation of two brand new Taylor Swift albums at the same time.

    #263563

    BACK TO EVERMORE

    The crew find themselves in a universe where they have to convince Taylor Swift to release another album to ensure their survival.

    #263564

    THE PROMISED EVERMORE

    A cult group of Taylor Swift fans follow her around and worship the ground she walks on, believing she will be their saviour and release another studio album.

    #263565
    evilmorwen
    Participant

    DAYDREAMS AND NIGHTMARES

    An experiment with a machine – a Triplicator – that can make duplicates of an object goes wrong, causing Taylor Swift’s record label Big Machine to explode. Taylor Swift escapes but finds the Triplicator has made two copies of in place of the original Big Machine. One of these copies has extracted the “good” qualities of the former vessel, and the other has extracted the “bad” qualities. Swift boards one, first meeting an angelic version of herself, (from the Fearless era), then to the other, meeting her demonic version (from the Reputation era).

    #263566
    Dave
    Participant

    SOMEBODY, PLEASE – GET ME A TAYLOR

    When Cat is injured in a Starbug crash and becomes delirious, he insists that a bland but popular and inoffensive early-21st-century popstar be brought to his bedside immediately.

    #263567
    evilmorwen
    Participant

    FIFTEEN

    Taylor Swift muses on her life as a teenager, in particular the incident when her best friend,”Porky” Roebuck, led a group of fellow classmates to try and southern barbecue her.

    #263568
    cwickham
    Participant

    1989

    Taylor Swift album about the production of Red Dwarf III.

    #263573
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    PARTNERSHIP SWIFT

    Taylor Swift steps into the triplicator and produces two copies of herself. This allows her to join the weekly game of cards, by pairing up with Lister, Rimmer and the Cat. Kryten is pleased at the sight of this wholesome activity.

    #263574
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    PARTNERSHIP SWIFT NO TRUMPS

    Donald Trump tries to join in the game. But everyone calls him a worthless cunt so he has a cry.

    #263576
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART THIRTY-FOUR

    A group of GELFs decide to attack Red Dwarf. They team up with a group of GELFs from a neighbouring galaxy who speak a totally different language to them, so they need an interpreter who speaks both their languages.

    A third group of GELFs show up, who speak another language neither of the first two speak. This continues until there are 47 different types of GELF, each of whom attack Red Dwarf with ten warriors. Why shouldn’t the Dwarfers be especially worried by the attack?

    #263577
    Dave
    Participant

    Because they’re all BEGGs and they choke to death immediately.

    #263578
    cwickham
    Participant

    The real answer is that there’ll be more than twice as many interpreters as there are warriors but that’s funnier

    #263596
    Moonlight
    Participant

    I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU, I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEET

    Cat’s refuses to listen to Lister’s critique of his new foot fetish novel.

    #263600
    cwickham
    Participant

    FLEA.N.A.

    The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a flea.

    #263601
    cwickham
    Participant

    VIRGIN NA

    The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a range of sci-fi novels spun off from a cancelled TV show published between 1991 and 1997.

    #263602
    cwickham
    Participant

    GLEE.N.A.

    The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a TV show about singing.

    #263603
    si
    Participant

    Ignore this, it was never here.

    #263604

    FLEA.N.A PART 2

    The DNA machine turns Lister into the bassist of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and then proceeds to shit everywhere

    #263605

    PREE.N.A

    The DNA machine turns Lister in Pree, which gives everyone a double polaroid.

    #263606

    BEEGEE.N.A

    The DNA machine turns Lister into Robin Gibb

    #263613
    cwickham
    Participant

    Ignore this, it was never here.

    Okay!

    #263614
    evilmorwen
    Participant

    BEE.N.A.

    The DNA machine turns Lister into a bee.

    #263615
    cwickham
    Participant

    ALICE IN RIMMERWORLD

    Unproduced 1993 Christmas special that was devised as a way of being able to recycle both sets and props from Rimmerworld and the BBC’s 1986 adaptation of Alice in Wonderland.

    #263616
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE NUTSMEGGER

    Unproduced 1995 Christmas special where Lister goes around hitting people on the head with a nutcracker.

    #263617
    cwickham
    Participant

    BACK TO NATIVITY

    Unproduced 1996 Christmas special where Lister wakes up and realises he is really the son of God.

    #263618
    cwickham
    Participant

    A DAVEY LISTER CHRISTMAS

    Unproduced 1998 Christmas special which would have been animated, and all about Lister going down to the cargo hold to get a Christmas tree and returning with a tiny sapling. Not produced after multiple threats of legal action.

    #263619
    cwickham
    Participant

    MILLENNIUM

    Unproduced 2000 Christmas special where the Dwarfers experience the effects of the Millennium Bug three million years too late. Not produced after threats of legal action from Robbie Williams, who got the wrong end of the stick.

    #263620
    cwickham
    Participant

    PANTOMORPH

    Unproduced 2002 Christmas special where the Dwarfers stage a pantomime using a live polymorph to play all other roles and scenery, but it ends up killing them instead.

    #263621
    cwickham
    Participant

    ‘TWAS THE THREE MILLION YEARS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

    Unproduced 2003 Christmas special which is just Lister reading out the original poem with some words changed after Doug Naylor hurriedly attempted to capitalise on the commission of a new series of Doctor Who.

    #263622
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE SMEGMAN

    Unproduced 2004 Christmas special which parodies The Snowman, the key difference being that the titular character has been constructed entirely from smeg. Not produced on grounds of good taste.

    #263623
    cwickham
    Participant

    BODYSNOWER

    Failed attempt to get Bodysnatcher broadcast on TV as a 2007 Christmas special by just drawing snowflakes on all the storyboards.

    #263624

    THE HOLOGRAM OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE

    Christmas theme remaster to series 2 episode Stasis Leak would have seen sleigh bells added over the opening and closing title music, the date on the wall changed to December 24th, and Santa hats digitally added to all the cast members heads.

    #263625
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    THE SKUTTER CHRISTMAS CAROL

    Adaptation of the classic Charles Dickens novella ‘A Christmas Carol’ in which most roles are played by Skutters, with only a few key roles played by non-Skutters.

    Chris Barrie as Arnold Rimmer as Ebenezer Scrooge
    Craig Charles as David Lister as Fred
    Chloë Annett as Kristine Kochanski as Clara
    Jane Horrocks as Nirvanah Crane as Belle
    Danny John-Jules as The Cat as The Ghost of Christmas Past
    Robert Llewellyn as Kryten as The Ghost of Christmas Present
    David Ross as Talkie Toaster as The Toast of Christmas Future

    Among the Skutter roles, Bob the Skutter fought hard to play the role of Bob Cratchit (“my name is literally Bob already, come on!”), but was not deemed a good enough actor and was cast as an extra instead.

    #263626

    THE KNIGHT THAT ESCAPED FROM THE AR MACHINE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

    A stop motion Christmas special starring the Knight from the AR machine in Stoke playing the titular role of Jack in Tim Burton’s festive classic.

    #263627

    DECK THE HALL WITH HEADS OF HOLLY

    In a lame attempt at decorating, Lister instructs Holly to project himself onto every corridor on the ship.

    #263628

    OUROBORMAS

    After discovering a nexus like tear in the universe, Lister figures out that he is his own Father Christmas.

    #263629
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE HOLLY AND THE IVY

    Holly meets another computer called Ivy, and learns the true meaning of Christmas.

    #263630
    cwickham
    Participant

    RIMMERWORLDFUL CHRISTMASTIME

    Paul McCartney arrives on Rimmerworld and leads all the Rimmers in a rendition of his well-known Christmas song.

Viewing 100 posts - 8,801 through 8,900 (of 12,289 total)
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