Red Dwarf scripts (Justice and Lister’s thrusting groin)

[Dave]

A quick question on the various repositories of Red Dwarf scripts available online. Does anyone know where they actually came from? Are they fan transcripts or from a more official source?

The reason I ask is that I was looking at a script for Justice and noticed this oddity towards the end:

SIMULANT: But I lied twice. (Pulls out a handgun.)

LISTER: I didn’t think of that.

SIMULANT: I’m very glad you didn’t.

LISTER: What did you want to talk about?

SIMULANT: Your death. (Cocks the gun.) Your imminent death.

Fires at LISTER’s chest. LISTER looks down at his chest. There’s no wound. The SIMULANT fires ahain. Still no wound. And again. No wound.

Suddenly three bullet wounds appear in the SIMULANT’s chest. He staggers forwards, bewildered. LISTER hits the SIMULANT over the head with his pole. Then LISTER reels back, dazed and half-conscious and falls to his knees. The SIMULANT fires again. Another bullet wound appears in the SIMULANT’s body, this time in his shoulder. LISTER staggers to his feet, swings the club again, sideways, catching the SIMULANT in the midriff, but it’s LISTER who feels the impact of the blow and flies out of shot. He is lying in a crumpled heap.

LISTER: What the smeg is going on?

The SIMULANT looks at his gun, casts it aside. Staggers a bit. Takes out the knife again and hurls it at LISTER. The dagger appears in the SIMULANT’s chest. He pulls it out, slightly bemused, and hurls it at LISTER again. This time, it appears in the SIMULANT’s head. LISTER grins. Enlightenment spreads over his features. He grabs a nearby bottle and hands it to the staggering SIMULANT.

SIMULANT: Zzzzzt. Does not compute. Zzzzzt. Error. Zzzzzt. Malfunction.

SIMULANT smashes it over LISTER’s head. The SIMULANT staggers and shakes his head. LISTER hands more bottles to the SIMULANT, who smashes them over LISTER’s head, staggering and growling with each blow. Finally, LISTER grabs the SIMULANT’s hands, puts them around his neck, and the SIMULANT tries to throttle him but, obviously, is really strangling himself. Nearly choking to death, he releases his grip and staggers back.

LISTER takes out an indelible pen and marks a target on his groin.

He walks towards the almost beaten SIMULANT, thrusting his groin forward as he goes. The SIMULANT kicks LISTER in the groin. LISTER stands there, grinning, as the SIMULANT flies backwards and collapses into a defeated heap.

The CAT runs up brandishing a huge snow shovel.

Where has that bit in bold come from? I’ve looked around and seen it in several different separately hosted versions.

Were these all copied from an original single source? Was this maybe a gag added by the original transcriber that then got copied?

Or is this a genuine script of a scene that didn’t make it into the final episode?

Is this in the version printed in Primordial Soup? (I don’t have my copy to hand to check.)

I noticed a couple of other discrepancies in this section too – three shots instead of the two that are in the episode, and it also doesn’t have the “yo matey, hit me on the head with this” line. So could this be from an earlier draft?

The image of Lister thrusting forward his groin with a target painted on it as he walks towards the simulant is certainly a strange one.

Topic

[clem]

I’ve just had a look and yes, that’s all copied word for word from Primordial Soup.

[Dave]

Thanks. I never noticed that line before – I must have skipped over it.

What a strange moment. I wonder if they ever tried to film it.

[si]

Maybe the dark lighting (“dark lighting”? That makes no sense, does it? Fuck it, you know what I mean) and black clothing made it impractical to film.

[clem]

The reveal of the second polymorph happens like this in the Primordial Soup script:

“First, LISTER. Second, KRYTEN. Third, RIMMER. Fourth, CAT. Fifth, LISTER again.”

Which I think would be better. Also presumably it could’ve been easily achieved by having Craig just walk around the camera and back into the shot, which might have been amusing in itself, so it’s interesting that it was changed. The script continues: “The final LISTER looks at the camera. His head spins while his body remains static.” Now that definitely would have been better!

[Jenuall]

Ed’s Hardest Shots Part II

“We thought we’d have a job on our hands to get Lister’s head to spin independently of his body but as Craig does all his own stunts he just went for it!”

[Podey]

Maybe the dark lighting (“dark lighting”? That makes no sense, does it? Fuck it, you know what I mean) and black clothing made it impractical to film.

Dave resurrecting this thread elsewhere has given me the opportunity to tell you three years later that you probably meant “low lighting”, so I think we can all agree it was worth it.

[tombow]

I always have a mandela effect when I rewatch the episode that it was filmed. Then I think..yeah, it wouldn’t have really worked, its too dark and getting neat enough circles to convey that it’s a target and not just Lister scribbling on his groin would be tricky.

[Flap Jack]

It could have worked, they just needed to tweak it a little. So instead of drawing a target on his crotch, Lister would drop his trousers and pants, and say “Oh noooo, my pants fell down completely by accident, exposing my naked testes, the part of my body that is the most painful when hit. Please don’t attack them while I figure out how to get my pants back up Mr. Simulant.”

At which point of course there’d be an announcement saying “Attention: the Justice Field will be down for maintenance for the next 2 hours. We apologise for any inconvenience.”

[Dave]

By trying to make the simulant kill himself, surely Lister should have been punished by the Justice Field and made to kill himself instead. 

[Flap Jack]

Either the Justice Field is stupid and doesn’t actually understand the intentions behind people’s actions – just reverses actions that are generically regarded as criminal – or the Justice Field is so smart it understands that Lister is acting in self-defence and doesn’t punish him for it.

I think it’s the former, because at the end Cat only attacked the Simulant to save Lister, and still got the rebounded effect.

[Dave]

Since the simulant entered the justice field wanting to kill Lister and steal his ship, surely he should have immediately died and Lister be given a brand new vessel.

[Podey]

I don’t think the justice field has any insight on “intent”, just actions. Since Lister wasn’t genuinely trying to commit a crime/arson when visiting Rimmer (he started the fire knowing that something would happen to prevent it, as per Rimmer’s comments), he probably wouldn’t have been affected by the justice field if his intent had been part of the equation. Plus, the fact that it senses “guilt” upon entering suggests it doesn’t know about intent as intent would override the guilt, in terms of detecting actual crimes. 

[Nick R]

It could have worked, they just needed to tweak it a little. So instead of drawing a target on his crotch, Lister would drop his trousers and pants, and say “Oh noooo, my pants fell down completely by accident, exposing my naked testes, the part of my body that is the most painful when hit. Please don’t attack them while I figure out how to get my pants back up Mr. Simulant.” 

[Formica]

How is indecent exposure handled by the Justice Field? Do everybody else’s pants just fall off instead?

[Frank Smeghammer]

How is indecent exposure handled by the Justice Field? Do everybody else’s pants just fall off instead?

Your pants drop to your ankles, but unfortunately your bollocks drop to the floor with them, fully detached, leaving you a Ken doll of a man

[International Debris]

At which point you get reassigned to the women’s wing of the prison.

[Author]

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