Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Red Dwarf scripts (Justice and Lister’s thrusting groin)

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    A quick question on the various repositories of Red Dwarf scripts available online. Does anyone know where they actually came from? Are they fan transcripts or from a more official source?

    The reason I ask is that I was looking at a script for Justice and noticed this oddity towards the end:

    SIMULANT: But I lied twice. (Pulls out a handgun.)

    LISTER: I didn’t think of that.

    SIMULANT: I’m very glad you didn’t.

    LISTER: What did you want to talk about?

    SIMULANT: Your death. (Cocks the gun.) Your imminent death.

    Fires at LISTER’s chest. LISTER looks down at his chest. There’s no wound. The SIMULANT fires ahain. Still no wound. And again. No wound.

    Suddenly three bullet wounds appear in the SIMULANT’s chest. He staggers forwards, bewildered. LISTER hits the SIMULANT over the head with his pole. Then LISTER reels back, dazed and half-conscious and falls to his knees. The SIMULANT fires again. Another bullet wound appears in the SIMULANT’s body, this time in his shoulder. LISTER staggers to his feet, swings the club again, sideways, catching the SIMULANT in the midriff, but it’s LISTER who feels the impact of the blow and flies out of shot. He is lying in a crumpled heap.

    LISTER: What the smeg is going on?

    The SIMULANT looks at his gun, casts it aside. Staggers a bit. Takes out the knife again and hurls it at LISTER. The dagger appears in the SIMULANT’s chest. He pulls it out, slightly bemused, and hurls it at LISTER again. This time, it appears in the SIMULANT’s head. LISTER grins. Enlightenment spreads over his features. He grabs a nearby bottle and hands it to the staggering SIMULANT.

    SIMULANT: Zzzzzt. Does not compute. Zzzzzt. Error. Zzzzzt. Malfunction.

    SIMULANT smashes it over LISTER’s head. The SIMULANT staggers and shakes his head. LISTER hands more bottles to the SIMULANT, who smashes them over LISTER’s head, staggering and growling with each blow. Finally, LISTER grabs the SIMULANT’s hands, puts them around his neck, and the SIMULANT tries to throttle him but, obviously, is really strangling himself. Nearly choking to death, he releases his grip and staggers back.

    LISTER takes out an indelible pen and marks a target on his groin.

    He walks towards the almost beaten SIMULANT, thrusting his groin forward as he goes. The SIMULANT kicks LISTER in the groin. LISTER stands there, grinning, as the SIMULANT flies backwards and collapses into a defeated heap.

    The CAT runs up brandishing a huge snow shovel.

    Where has that bit in bold come from? I’ve looked around and seen it in several different separately hosted versions.

    Were these all copied from an original single source? Was this maybe a gag added by the original transcriber that then got copied?

    Or is this a genuine script of a scene that didn’t make it into the final episode?

    Is this in the version printed in Primordial Soup? (I don’t have my copy to hand to check.)

    I noticed a couple of other discrepancies in this section too – three shots instead of the two that are in the episode, and it also doesn’t have the “yo matey, hit me on the head with this” line. So could this be from an earlier draft?

    The image of Lister thrusting forward his groin with a target painted on it as he walks towards the simulant is certainly a strange one.


    I’ve just had a look and yes, that’s all copied word for word from Primordial Soup.


    Thanks. I never noticed that line before – I must have skipped over it.

    What a strange moment. I wonder if they ever tried to film it.


    Maybe the dark lighting (“dark lighting”? That makes no sense, does it? Fuck it, you know what I mean) and black clothing made it impractical to film.


    The reveal of the second polymorph happens like this in the Primordial Soup script:

    “First, LISTER. Second, KRYTEN. Third, RIMMER. Fourth, CAT. Fifth, LISTER again.”

    Which I think would be better. Also presumably it could’ve been easily achieved by having Craig just walk around the camera and back into the shot, which might have been amusing in itself, so it’s interesting that it was changed. The script continues: “The final LISTER looks at the camera. His head spins while his body remains static.” Now that definitely would have been better!


    Ed’s Hardest Shots Part II

    “We thought we’d have a job on our hands to get Lister’s head to spin independently of his body but as Craig does all his own stunts he just went for it!”

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