Shittest Props?

[Jenuall]

Now the show has always done really well in terms of punching above its weight in terms of getting the most out of the budget (after all they did have very little to go on, as confirmed to us by Doug “no money” Naylor on multiple occasions) and as such there are numerous examples of really impressive and creative props and gadgets on the show. 

But this isn’t a thread for those, this is you opportunity to highlight the things where the limits were pushed too hard, where the budget straining could be seen on screen, or which you think were just plain shit!

I start with a couple that triggered the creation of this thread for me. First up – the TIV headsets from Better Than Life:

Clearly just some 1980s bicycle helmets with some LEDs and wires/antennae shoved on top!

Also loses points for almost certainly just being the same helmet that Rimmer is wearing in Parallel Universe – props team probably got a bulk discount!

And keeping the theme with headsets/helmets – the absolute state of the brain scanner thing that Lister uses in Thanks for the Memory:

Got their money’s worth out of those LEDs didn’t they! This time seemingly strapped to more of a BMX style helmet, maybe someone had a contact at a bike supplies store?

I’ve got a bunch more examples I could share but thought I’d throw it open to others to post their views on Red Dwarf’s Shittest Props!

Topic

[Rushy]

The sketch itself is funny, but shouldn’t the old 14B be made of metal or something? It looks like a long Q-tip with its ends removed. How is that gonna help?

[Dave]

Turning a weakness into a strength.

[Dave]

The sketch itself is funny, but shouldn’t the old 14B be made of metal or something? It looks like a long Q-tip with its ends removed. How is that gonna help?

It’s just a pipe cleaner.

[Rushy]

It’s just a pipe cleaner.

Yeah, I thought as much, but wouldn’t it possibly bend or break inside the plastic tubing of the vending machine? 

[Dave]

wouldn’t it possibly bend

That’s what pipe cleaners are designed to do.

[Rushy]

You learn something new every day

[Renegade Rob]

Sad to say, the low budget really showed in Fathers & Suns when they couldn’t even spring for a real guitar.

[Rudolph]

I remember people getting annoyed at the blueberry muffin Rimmer gives to Hollister in Back in the Red clearly being from Tesco.

[Rushy]

Just like Martha used to make

[Dave]

I do apologise, I wasn’t paying attention. See you later.

[Warbodog]

I love series 1, but I’ve never reached the point where the drive room consoles are acceptable and not immersion-breakingly shit.

[Ben Saunders]

I don’t know what a mid-21st-or-23rd-or-whatever-century mining spaceship’s drive room consoles would actually look like, so I can’t speak on that

[Rushy]

I love series 1, but I’ve never reached the point where the drive room consoles are acceptable and not immersion-breakingly shit.

It looks so weird and nonsensical that I can just about buy it as futurism.

I’m more distracted by some of the later drive rooms, where they settle for sticking normal TV monitors on the walls and have them display random gibberish. 

[Renegade Rob]

[Meteo]

Just like Martha used to make

[RunawayTrain]

The sketch itself is funny, but shouldn’t the old 14B be made of metal or something? It looks like a long Q-tip with its ends removed. How is that gonna help?

I have not previously consciously thought about this but … I’m just realising now, I honestly conceptualised it as a length of catheter tubing!  Not because of the hole in the centre, just that’s my brain’s most immediate frame of reference for plastic tubing. 

Not that I actually think it is that, just that’s what I related the props to.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

It’s been mentioned further up but… 

It’s a pipe cleaner. Rimmer is cleaning the pipes of the chicken soup machine. 

I don’t judge people for missing things, we all contextualise things differently. But I am kinda shocked that that was missed. 

[clem]

This book’s cover is shit. I always think it looks like a prop rather than a real book. 

[Warbodog]

Unrealistic portrayal of fun prop. The roaming small Polymorph is so clearly on a toy car type thing that I always sort of assume it’s being a toy car version of itself on purpose to get around, rather than portraying a creature’s actual movement (but it’s probably just supposed to be the latter).

It also reminds me of the boring bit on CITV’s Funhouse when they’d ride around on the slow go karts.

[Technopeasant]

I remember people getting annoyed at the blueberry muffin Rimmer gives to Hollister in Back in the Red clearly being from Tesco.

Arguably they really did not need to even do a close up on that to being with.

maybe someone had a contact at a bike supplies store?

I actually think the brain scanner thing looks fine, at least compared to the TIV headsets.

[Rushy]

Unrealistic portrayal of fun prop. The roaming small Polymorph is so clearly on a toy car type thing that I always sort of assume it’s being a toy car version of itself on purpose to get around, rather than portraying a creature’s actual movement 

I thought that was the joke? You get this dramatic opening with the warning, and then it’s just… that. The cute little noises add to the gag

[Jenuall]

I actually think the brain scanner thing looks fine, at least compared to the TIV headsets.

To be fair yes it’s definitely not as bad as the TIV headset, but it’s still a bit clunky – I think it’s the little metal grill thing dangling off the front that really harms it for me – what the hell is that supposed to be for?!

Another one that pops into my head now is the series VII bazookoid:

It’s not necessarily shit in terms of the quality of it – there’s clearly a lot of love that has gone into it – but it just feels so crap compared to the series III “Mk 1” version

[Technopeasant]

I always assumed it was just a lighter variant.

[Dave]

I always assumed it was just a lighter variant.

A cigarette lighter variant by the looks of it.

[Ian Symes]

I’m sure it isn’t, but the tracking device in Backwards looks like a talcum powder bottle in a little case.

[Paul Muller]

I think thats supposed to be a sort of proto- PsiScan. He uses it again in Polymorph. 

Anyway, while we’re on the subject, this fucking thing: 

[Jenuall]

Yeah whilst it gets away with it to an extent because the bit crap joke is actually one of the best bits of BtE, the prop is a joke. It’s just a laser range finder that they’ve made essentially zero effort to disguise! 

But yeah, what Lister whips out in Backwards does look suspiciously talcum powder-esque. I’ve always generously assumed it’s meant to be some kind of particle counter hence the aperture for material to enter it. Quite why he’d be using that to locate the others is anyone’s guess! 

[Warbodog]

I think that’s a Series 1 grey Mini Cheddar on top that Lister’s saving for later.

[Dave]

The ships-issue food items in the early seasons always had a bit of a shit look to them.

Although I do love that early Red Dwarf logo. Presumably these were made before they settled on the final logo and before the wonky giant badges were knocked up for Season III.

[Ben Saunders]

MILK

SHAKE

[Nick R]

MILK

SHAKE

The second line is an instruction.

[clem]

Speaking of shit bazookoids, when Lister cocks (if that’s the right word for a bazookoid) this one in Can of Worms, he doesn’t actually do anything to it. There’s no part to move so he’s just sort of rapidly sliding his hand up and down the lower end of the barrel.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

Here that prop is, and yeah no moving parts 

[Dax101]

That did move on the original Bazookoids. Wonder why they didn’t have that here. Issue with 3d printing maybe?

[Moonlight]

[Warbodog]

Why do they both independently call it that? It’s like when Kryten describes human food in overly literal terms, but they are humans and can just say beef, or not mention the animal because it’s not a relevant detail.

[Flap Jack]

Because a beef vindaloo would involve a cow being carefully butchered to use specific cuts of meat. In this case they literally just dropped an entire cow into the sauce.

[Ben Saunders]

Because they used an entire cow, and that is notable

[Flap Jack]

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

[Nick R]

[Rushy]

I know Bobby obviously needs his mask for Kryten to work as a character, but every time I watch DNA, I can’t help but be delighted by his facial expressions. He is so charismatic. 

[International Debris]

I think it’s mostly because Doug found the name “cow vindaloo” amusing. 

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

Considering many curries are described as “meat” – knowing what animal it is shows how advanced the 23rd century is

[Technopeasant]

Because they used an entire cow, and that is notable

And it specifically was a cow. Otherwise you should just say cattle and not be sex specific.

And that cow looked in no way slaughter weight.

[Rudolph]

I do like that Rimmer’s textbook in Back to Earth is just a fake cover over an Argos catalogue, but doing a parody of the ‘…for Dummies’ book range felt a bit outdated in 2009.

[Meteo]

I think thats supposed to be a sort of proto- PsiScan. He uses it again in Polymorph. 
Anyway, while we’re on the subject, this fucking thing: 

Re: Paul Muller.

Weird, yeah, so the “Best Budget” Model was the better one, Ironically (and/or sickeningly…)

[Ben Saunders]

Because they used an entire cow, and that is notable

And it specifically was a cow. Otherwise you should just say cattle and not be sex specific.

And that cow looked in no way slaughter weight.

Today I learned that the meat from a bull is also called beef.

[GlenTokyo]

That did move on the original Bazookoids. Wonder why they didn’t have that here. Issue with 3d printing maybe?

The Mk3 bazookoid was made by Mike Tucker and co, and there’s pictures of it being built, its the back end of the VII Mk2 with PVC pipes replacing the snub nosed barrel, but they’re fixed so it just doesn’t actuate in any way unlike the original ones that were probably designed with the dismantler gag in mind, so the cocking was likely a happy side effect of the need to have the barrel be less securely attached.

[clem]

I had a look at the other ornamental dice to see if they’re as ropey as those ones, and it looks like they used that same pair in BTL. 

The ones in Parallel Universe, however, look quite a bit better, and possibly inflatable rather than furry, which makes sense as they’re in place of the banana. 

Are there any I’ve forgotten?

[Author]

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