The Red Dwarf Anthology of Poems

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

So the discord server just spontaneously wrote a couple of silly poems about Red Dwarf, and we thought it’d be nice for everyone else who wants to to have a go.

Here the starting one, mostly by Veni with a contribution by me.

There once was a ship that was red
With a crew that mostly were dead
Took out on a mission
By the second technician
And that’s how the cat race inbred

[bloodteller]

There once was a ship that was green
Kryten removed Lister’s spleen
Rimmer was mean
He revised in the canteen
And left his parents at fourteen

[Veni]

There once was a donut boy named Dennis
He’d never eaten a slice of lettuce
However one day
He became the captain someway
And Rimmer was forever jealous

[Warbodog]

There once was a girl called Kochanski
Who needed some clean underpantski
So Lister and Cat
Sat in the laundromat
Enthralled by the small underpantski

[Warbodog]

There once was a T-rex called Pete
Who’d had something dodgy to eat
He got diarrhoea
Sneaking up from the rear
Frank got drenched and he’s now on repeat

[Dave]

There once was a toaster who’d yammer
And for grilled bread-y products he’d clamour
In the end it was that
That was cause for a spat
Ended by a fourteen-pound lump hammer

[Kris Carter]

The grey sets were horribly dull
Except when they showed us the hull
But when they turned cream
The hull became green
Which everyone thought beneficial

[bloodteller]

There once was a robot called Kryten
And the Cat, who had an ancestor from Titan
There was Lister as well
Rimmer somehow could smell
And his mother was a bitch queen from hell

[Kris Carter]

You saying I’ve got a big bum?
Save page sixty-one.
When there’s no sounds to hear
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur
Scum scum scum scum scum.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

The nano-bots were once asked
To rebuild Red Dwarf from the past
They built the wrong one
It was wrong and looked dumb
And Starbug is stuck up a rat’s arse.

[Dave]

Whilst it might seem completely benign
(Though defying the official line)
An argument rages
On G&T’s pages
That ‘Back To Earth’ is Series 9

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

The shuttle was late you say?
The shuttle was late?
He was at the gate
It must have been fate
The shuttle had flown the wrong way.

[Dave]

Now taste and longevity link it
And you’ll realise as soon as you think it
But in case you might ponder
Why dog’s milk lasts longer
It’s all ’cause no bugger’ll drink it

[clem]

Red Dwarf Special speculation in strambotto form

When the Red Dwarf Special is broadcast on Dave,
What will Ganymede & Titan make of it?
Will John declare it to be worse than Timewave,
And the rest of the team agree that it’s shit?
Or will they all get exactly what they crave,
And just argue about what was the best bit?
It’s unlikely to be anybody’s fave
But can’t be as bad as that line about spit.

[Warbodog]

There once was a lady called Jjones
Who was constant across all timezones
Marries any rich twat
At the drop of a hat
Observe the satirical materialist overtones!

[Warbodog]

There once was a young boy with glasses
Who asked about computer rashes
Craig Charles was quite rude
The boy got in a mood
And became a world-conquering fascist

[Captain Bollocks]

If I can stop one cadmium explosion,
I shall not die in vain;
If I can halt one ship’s erosion,
And avoid Gazpacho shame;
Then I can pass exalted wisdom,
“If you’re going to talk garbage,
Expect pain.”

[desbug]

Dwarves are Red
Midgets are Blue
Given the universe is infinite
Toast for you?

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

I’m going to eat you little fishy
Because I’m a cat and that’s my wishy
On main course, chicken merango
Come back here, you’re too slow
Six course meal, eat one trout
And now all of this food must come out

[Dave]

There once was a captain called Frank
Who had a second officer called Frank
When he noticed the name
And saw it was the same
It reminded him of Rimmer’s uncle Frank

[Bexley Heath]

There once was a ship that was red
With a crew that mostly were dead
Took out on a mission
By the second technician
And that’s how the cat race inbred

That’s rather uncanny.

[q u i n n _ d r u m m e r]

Oh! Veni the sneaky little toe rag!!

[cwickham]

There once was a captain called Hollister
Who had a technician named Lister
When he noticed the similarity
He realised, apparently
Lister’s name combined with that of the ship’s computer made his name, Hollister

[Warbodog]

There once was a poet called Veni
Ideas he didn’t have any
Caught out in the crime
Of stealing a rhyme
Which quinn_drummer’s line improved plenty

[Plastic Percy]

Taiwan Tony can surely attest,
For bad writing there was no contest.
Offensively voiced,
And a really bad choice,
It was razy lacism at best.

[Veni]

I may be a hack
And also a fraud
A particularly nasty sod
But unlike Warbodog
At least I’m not a twat

[Veni]

I may be a fraud and a hack
A particularly nasty sod
But unlike Warbodog
At least I’m not a twat

/This is a learning experience

[Warbodog]

I didn’t mean to stir up hate
But I asked for it with that bait
This imprecise verse
Wasn’t so serious
(And I think you’ll find it’s pronounced ‘Thwaite’)

[Warbodog]

There once was a Kinitawowi
Called Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech
Red Dwarf praise makes Schofield “wowee”
That was a homonym, you deck*

(*Dick)

[Warbodog]

When the model shots look too old-fashioned
And the foreground’s too free of distractions
Let’s ruin Red Dwarf
And end Polymorph
On a godawful static caption

[Warbodog]

There once was a Duke of Manchester
Who proved an unreliable investor
There was no movie
“What about this newie?”
Don’t let Chortle’s clickbait impress yer

[Warbodog]

Between writing in limerick form
And playing lullabies to a newborn
I’ve forgot how to write
My work’s turned to shite
So, no different from the norm (<- in Angus Deayton on HIGNFY voice)

[Warbodog]

There was a Canary called Mex
Who got quite a shock playing Gex
He thought he heard Cat
Tried to tell him that
But took five years from one word to the next

[Dave]

Lister wanted to go to Fuchal
And his inner voice told him “you shall”
Reassured by this chat
He purchased a black cat
And his life soon got more unus-ual

[Dave]

Arnold Rimmer, a man of ambition
Saw his test results suffer attrition
He blamed charts on his walls
For his trips and his falls
Then he died, and then got a new mission

[Dave]

Here’s an SOS call from a ship
That’s spent three million years on its trip
It’s quite big and it’s red
And the crew’s mostly dead
But this message still ends with a quip

[Dave]

When reciting a Space Corps Directive
Rimmer’s memory’s often selective
His erroneous citations
Give Kryten palpitations
Thus amusing the Red Dwarf collective

[Dave]

When exploring an uncharted region
The crew meet a weird creature called Legion
They don’t like what they see
So decide they must flee
Faster than ski-boots getting bought by a Norwegian

[Paul Muller]

When a new forum member appeared,
Whose anger at TOS was quite weird
He flew into a rage
At the Blue Midget page
Ten years on, no updates have appeared

[unclerubbish]

There once was a show called Red Dwarf
With classic episodes like Polymorph
Then after ten years
It did reappear
With a poor imitation of liutenant worf.

And to my horror and outrage I saw what I thought was a rip off of star trek tng i was already reaching for the telephone to call my lawyer……

[Warbodog]

There once was an actor called Norman
Who attempted to dye his hair auburn
The sides of his head
Came out Man-U red
And his lines were mostly appalling

[Warbodog]

There once was an old man called Norman
Who googled himself out of boredom
Found a sad little site
Stabbim accused him of spite
So he slagged off the entire forum

[Warbodog]

*Unhelpfully close to recording

(Less contentious last line for the next-to-last poem, for when these get sent to Faber & Faber)

[Dave]

There was an old man who played Holly
Who quit the role out of sheer folly
When at last he returned
All the bridges he’d burned
Meant that fans didn’t feel very jolly

[Dave]

There once was a fandom who said
That the accent should not fall on ‘Red’
As when trying to pronounce it
The British announce it
With emphasis on ‘Dwarf’ instead

[Warbodog]

There was a curmudgeon called Norman
Came back twice to get his applause on
No such cheers for Hattie
Absent since ’93
Apart from some wank on DVD

[Dave]

There once was a man who played Kryten
Whose costume began soon to tighten
When they shot series ten
It looked all wrong again
And his new nose small children would frighten

[Veni]

Found this while on my nightly Red Dwarf image binges: https://tellyspotting.kera.org/2012/12/13/twas-the-night-before-christmas-red-dwarf-style/

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
There was nothing on scanners, not even a blip
Kryten was bustling to spit-polish and shine
Every inch of Red Dwarf, from deck 4,000 to nine.

Rimmer was crashed out all snug in his bunk,
Twelve whiskey sour balls curing his holiday funk
Lister soon followed with marijuana gin
Thumb in his mouth and drool on his chin.

Cat strutted his stuff on the dance floor with glee,
While disco lights bounced off the (fake-arsed) green tree.
Stacks of presents underneath leaned dangerously right,
But Kryten’s new mop handle hindered their flight.

While alarm sirens blared through the whole of the ship,
“Just three minutes more,” a snoozing Rimmer did quip,
“Whassat?” Lister slurred and half fell from his bunk
Crying out in pain and cradling his junk.

As Kryten rushed in, Lister was curled on the floor,
Tears filling his eyes and looking quite pale and poor.
Kryten flailed about exclaiming, “What on Earth is the matter?”
Lister said in a high-pitched voice, “Cracked me love spuds on the ladder.”

Kryten helped Lister to bed, then fretted about,
“We’ll all soon be dead!” he wailed with a shout.
Sweat on his brow, Lister grumbled a threat,
“If you’re wrong about this, I’ll beat your smegging head.”

“Mr. Lister, it’s true,” Kryten brought up the screen,
“Sensors show nine figures aiming straight toward us, it seems.
A humanoid life form in an odd ship configuration,
Plus eight non-human entities leading the formation.”

Rimmer awoke with a groan and a sneer,
“Kryten, are you telling us Father Christmas is here?”
Kryten glared at him sharply, “I don’t know who you mean.
I’m only reporting facts as they’re shown on the screen.”

Lister’s eyes widened comically, “You can’t be serious, Krytes.
The big man, the main man, on Christmas night!
He brings presents to all who’ve been good rather than bad.
He brought me my first guitar; it was totally rad!”

“That’s a lie,” Rimmer piped up, dampening Lister’s good cheer,
“Aged nine, no skates and I’d been good all damn year.”
“Yeah, but Rimmer,” Lister said, his eyes all a-twinkle,
“You’re a twonk who doesn’t even believe in Kris Kringle.”

“That’s besides the point!” Rimmer huffed and tried not to care.
“He should lob presents at everyone good or bad, to be fair.”
“That’s not how it works,” Lister tried to employ sane reason.
“You’re supposed to care for your fellow man this season.”

Kryten implored, “I believe there are more pressing matters at hand,
Like which landing bay to tell the gentleman to land.”
Rimmer smirked with arms crossed, “He’s not coming aboard this ship.”
Lister flicked him off with a curt but firm, “Shut it, ya twit.”

They sped to the docks, meeting up with Cat on the way,
And stared in amazement at eight reindeer and one sleigh.
“It really is Santa!” Lister proclaimed, eyes starting to glisten.
Cat sidled up to him and asked, “Bud, who is this person?”

“It’s Father Christmas,” Lister sang, full of cheer and great glee.
“And he’s come to give presents to all of yous and me.”
“He’s giving presents?” exclaimed Cat, perking up with eyes alight.
“Dearest Cat,” Santa said, “I’m known to all this night.”

“He’s a right smegging bastard,” Rimmer grumbled and groused.
Santa sighed, “I’m sorry, Arnold, but your parents moved house.”
To Rimmer’s surprise, Santa pulled from the sleigh,
a pair of roller skates that sparkled silver, black and gray.

Rimmer was speechless, his voice lost to the void
as he cradled his gift as one would a newborn child.
“And for you, my mechanical friend,” Santa said with a wink,
“New scrubbers for your floors, walls, dishes and sink.”

Kryten beamed, “Oh, sir, they’ll do the trick just fine!”
Cat shoved to the front and demanded, “Where’s mine?”
Santa shook his head with a patient, kindly smile
and retrieved seven suits and three ties, all in style.

The Cat preened and sniffed his new things with a purr,
“My four favorite things: silk, satin, lace and fur!”
Lister’s happy face while watching his friends in delight,
started to fade, as no present for him was in sight.

Lister tried to buck up as he knew he ought do,
But Santa was all knowing, all seeing and saw through.
“Lister, my lad, I know your heart’s fondest wish.
I can’t give you that, but I can give you this:

You’re the richest man alive, in both word and in deed.
For it’s not the material things that you crave or most need.
Good friends loyal and true, these you already know,
Health and long life will follow wherever you go.

While it may not seem like it through times good and bad,
Good luck and great fortune are yours to be had.
So cherish your friends, as they’re your family most dear,
Happy Christmas to you, Dave, and always good cheer.”

Rare silence settled over the Red Dwarf’s small crew,
Taking the sentiment to heart (even Rimmer; who knew?).
“Happy Christmas, Mr. Lister,” Kryten smiled brightly and gay.
“Yeah, bud, Happy Christmas,” Cat quietly echoed the same.

Rimmer looked to Lister, tears welled in his eyes.
“Guess I was wrong about Christmas,” he surmised.
“Happy Christmas to all,” was his heartfelt decree.
Kryten replied chirpily, “Happy Christmas, smee-hee.”

Lister’s eyes were shining, but his smile was miles wide,
For Santa was right; he was the richest man alive.
With good friends, food aplenty and lager on tap,
All that was left was, “Happy Christmas ya smegheads,
From Dave, Arn, Krytes and Cat!”

[Offline]

There was a northerner called Rob Grant
When asked to write a seventh series said I surely can’t
So he fucked off and did nothing for years
While claiming royalties, eating pies and drinking beer

[Offline]

There was a Dwarf episode called Timewave
That reflected the more militant PC and SJW crazes
But it was written by a man in his sixties
Whose cultural sensitivities were exposed as redundant
So we just watched Johnny Vegas rub his nipples instead

These practically write themselves!

[Author]

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