The Red Dwarf Anthology of Poems

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  • #255247

    quinn_drummer

    So the discord server just spontaneously wrote a couple of silly poems about Red Dwarf, and we thought it’d be nice for everyone else who wants to to have a go.

    Here the starting one, mostly by Veni with a contribution by me.

    There once was a ship that was red
    With a crew that mostly were dead
    Took out on a mission
    By the second technician
    And that’s how the cat race inbred

    #255248

    bloodteller

    There once was a ship that was green
    Kryten removed Lister’s spleen
    Rimmer was mean
    He revised in the canteen
    And left his parents at fourteen

    #255249

    Veni

    There once was a donut boy named Dennis
    He’d never eaten a slice of lettuce
    However one day
    He became the captain someway
    And Rimmer was forever jealous

    #255251

    Warbodog

    There once was a girl called Kochanski
    Who needed some clean underpantski
    So Lister and Cat
    Sat in the laundromat
    Enthralled by the small underpantski

    #255253

    Warbodog

    There once was a T-rex called Pete
    Who’d had something dodgy to eat
    He got diarrhoea
    Sneaking up from the rear
    Frank got drenched and he’s now on repeat

    #255254

    Dave

    There once was a toaster who’d yammer
    And for grilled bread-y products he’d clamour
    In the end it was that
    That was cause for a spat
    Ended by a fourteen-pound lump hammer

    #255256

    Kris Carter

    The grey sets were horribly dull
    Except when they showed us the hull
    But when they turned cream
    The hull became green
    Which everyone thought beneficial

    #255257

    bloodteller

    There once was a robot called Kryten
    And the Cat, who had an ancestor from Titan
    There was Lister as well
    Rimmer somehow could smell
    And his mother was a bitch queen from hell

    #255258

    Kris Carter

    You saying I’ve got a big bum?
    Save page sixty-one.
    When there’s no sounds to hear
    Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur
    Scum scum scum scum scum.

    #255259

    quinn_drummer

    The nano-bots were once asked
    To rebuild Red Dwarf from the past
    They built the wrong one
    It was wrong and looked dumb
    And Starbug is stuck up a rat’s arse.

    #255261

    Dave

    Whilst it might seem completely benign
    (Though defying the official line)
    An argument rages
    On G&T’s pages
    That ‘Back To Earth’ is Series 9

    #255262

    quinn_drummer

    The shuttle was late you say?
    The shuttle was late?
    He was at the gate
    It must have been fate
    The shuttle had flown the wrong way.

    #255270

    Dave

    Now taste and longevity link it
    And you’ll realise as soon as you think it
    But in case you might ponder
    Why dog’s milk lasts longer
    It’s all ’cause no bugger’ll drink it

    #255282

    clem

    Red Dwarf Special speculation in strambotto form

    When the Red Dwarf Special is broadcast on Dave,
    What will Ganymede & Titan make of it?
    Will John declare it to be worse than Timewave,
    And the rest of the team agree that it’s shit?
    Or will they all get exactly what they crave,
    And just argue about what was the best bit?
    It’s unlikely to be anybody’s fave
    But can’t be as bad as that line about spit.

    #255289

    Warbodog

    There once was a lady called Jjones
    Who was constant across all timezones
    Marries any rich twat
    At the drop of a hat
    Observe the satirical materialist overtones!

    #255290

    Warbodog

    There once was a young boy with glasses
    Who asked about computer rashes
    Craig Charles was quite rude
    The boy got in a mood
    And became a world-conquering fascist

    #255291

    Captain Bollocks

    If I can stop one cadmium explosion,
    I shall not die in vain;
    If I can halt one ship’s erosion,
    And avoid Gazpacho shame;
    Then I can pass exalted wisdom,
    “If you’re going to talk garbage,
    Expect pain.”

    #255304

    desbug

    Dwarves are Red
    Midgets are Blue
    Given the universe is infinite
    Toast for you?

    #255306

    quinn_drummer

    I’m going to eat you little fishy
    Because I’m a cat and that’s my wishy
    On main course, chicken merango
    Come back here, you’re too slow
    Six course meal, eat one trout
    And now all of this food must come out

    #255315

    Dave

    There once was a captain called Frank
    Who had a second officer called Frank
    When he noticed the name
    And saw it was the same
    It reminded him of Rimmer’s uncle Frank

    #255316

    Bexley Heath

    There once was a ship that was red
    With a crew that mostly were dead
    Took out on a mission
    By the second technician
    And that’s how the cat race inbred

    That’s rather uncanny.

    #255317

    quinn_drummer

    Oh! Veni the sneaky little toe rag!!

    #255318

    cwickham

    There once was a captain called Hollister
    Who had a technician named Lister
    When he noticed the similarity
    He realised, apparently
    Lister’s name combined with that of the ship’s computer made his name, Hollister

    #255321

    Warbodog

    There once was a poet called Veni
    Ideas he didn’t have any
    Caught out in the crime
    Of stealing a rhyme
    Which quinn_drummer’s line improved plenty

    #255324

    Plastic Percy

    Taiwan Tony can surely attest,
    For bad writing there was no contest.
    Offensively voiced,
    And a really bad choice,
    It was razy lacism at best.

    #255326

    Veni

    I may be a hack
    And also a fraud
    A particularly nasty sod
    But unlike Warbodog
    At least I’m not a twat

    #255327

    Veni

    I may be a fraud and a hack
    A particularly nasty sod
    But unlike Warbodog
    At least I’m not a twat

    /This is a learning experience

    #255328

    Warbodog

    I didn’t mean to stir up hate
    But I asked for it with that bait
    This imprecise verse
    Wasn’t so serious
    (And I think you’ll find it’s pronounced ‘Thwaite’)

    #255330

    Warbodog

    There once was a Kinitawowi
    Called Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech
    Red Dwarf praise makes Schofield “wowee”
    That was a homonym, you deck*

    (*Dick)

    #255331

    Warbodog

    When the model shots look too old-fashioned
    And the foreground’s too free of distractions
    Let’s ruin Red Dwarf
    And end Polymorph
    On a godawful static caption

    #255332

    Warbodog

    There once was a Duke of Manchester
    Who proved an unreliable investor
    There was no movie
    “What about this newie?”
    Don’t let Chortle’s clickbait impress yer

    #255333

    Warbodog

    Between writing in limerick form
    And playing lullabies to a newborn
    I’ve forgot how to write
    My work’s turned to shite
    So, no different from the norm (<- in Angus Deayton on HIGNFY voice)

    #255340

    Warbodog

    There was a Canary called Mex
    Who got quite a shock playing Gex
    He thought he heard Cat
    Tried to tell him that
    But took five years from one word to the next

    #255344

    Dave

    Lister wanted to go to Fuchal
    And his inner voice told him “you shall”
    Reassured by this chat
    He purchased a black cat
    And his life soon got more unus-ual

    #255345

    Dave

    Arnold Rimmer, a man of ambition
    Saw his test results suffer attrition
    He blamed charts on his walls
    For his trips and his falls
    Then he died, and then got a new mission

    #255346

    Dave

    Here’s an SOS call from a ship
    That’s spent three million years on its trip
    It’s quite big and it’s red
    And the crew’s mostly dead
    But this message still ends with a quip

    #255347

    Dave

    When reciting a Space Corps Directive
    Rimmer’s memory’s often selective
    His erroneous citations
    Give Kryten palpitations
    Thus amusing the Red Dwarf collective

    #255348

    Dave

    When exploring an uncharted region
    The crew meet a weird creature called Legion
    They don’t like what they see
    So decide they must flee
    Faster than ski-boots getting bought by a Norwegian

    #255355

    Paul Muller

    When a new forum member appeared,
    Whose anger at TOS was quite weird
    He flew into a rage
    At the Blue Midget page
    Ten years on, no updates have appeared

    #255368

    unclerubbish

    There once was a show called Red Dwarf
    With classic episodes like Polymorph
    Then after ten years
    It did reappear
    With a poor imitation of liutenant worf.

    And to my horror and outrage I saw what I thought was a rip off of star trek tng i was already reaching for the telephone to call my lawyer……

    #255371

    Warbodog

    There once was an actor called Norman
    Who attempted to dye his hair auburn
    The sides of his head
    Came out Man-U red
    And his lines were mostly appalling

    #255372

    Warbodog

    There once was an old man called Norman
    Who googled himself out of boredom
    Found a sad little site
    Stabbim accused him of spite
    So he slagged off the entire forum

    #255375

    Warbodog

    *Unhelpfully close to recording

    (Less contentious last line for the next-to-last poem, for when these get sent to Faber & Faber)

    #255376

    Dave

    There was an old man who played Holly
    Who quit the role out of sheer folly
    When at last he returned
    All the bridges he’d burned
    Meant that fans didn’t feel very jolly

    #255377

    Dave

    There once was a fandom who said
    That the accent should not fall on ‘Red’
    As when trying to pronounce it
    The British announce it
    With emphasis on ‘Dwarf’ instead

    #255378

    Warbodog

    There was a curmudgeon called Norman
    Came back twice to get his applause on
    No such cheers for Hattie
    Absent since ’93
    Apart from some wank on DVD

    #255379

    Dave

    There once was a man who played Kryten
    Whose costume began soon to tighten
    When they shot series ten
    It looked all wrong again
    And his new nose small children would frighten

    #256302

    Veni

    Found this while on my nightly Red Dwarf image binges: https://tellyspotting.kera.org/2012/12/13/twas-the-night-before-christmas-red-dwarf-style/

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
    There was nothing on scanners, not even a blip
    Kryten was bustling to spit-polish and shine
    Every inch of Red Dwarf, from deck 4,000 to nine.

    Rimmer was crashed out all snug in his bunk,
    Twelve whiskey sour balls curing his holiday funk
    Lister soon followed with marijuana gin
    Thumb in his mouth and drool on his chin.

    Cat strutted his stuff on the dance floor with glee,
    While disco lights bounced off the (fake-arsed) green tree.
    Stacks of presents underneath leaned dangerously right,
    But Kryten’s new mop handle hindered their flight.

    While alarm sirens blared through the whole of the ship,
    “Just three minutes more,” a snoozing Rimmer did quip,
    “Whassat?” Lister slurred and half fell from his bunk
    Crying out in pain and cradling his junk.

    As Kryten rushed in, Lister was curled on the floor,
    Tears filling his eyes and looking quite pale and poor.
    Kryten flailed about exclaiming, “What on Earth is the matter?”
    Lister said in a high-pitched voice, “Cracked me love spuds on the ladder.”

    Kryten helped Lister to bed, then fretted about,
    “We’ll all soon be dead!” he wailed with a shout.
    Sweat on his brow, Lister grumbled a threat,
    “If you’re wrong about this, I’ll beat your smegging head.”

    “Mr. Lister, it’s true,” Kryten brought up the screen,
    “Sensors show nine figures aiming straight toward us, it seems.
    A humanoid life form in an odd ship configuration,
    Plus eight non-human entities leading the formation.”

    Rimmer awoke with a groan and a sneer,
    “Kryten, are you telling us Father Christmas is here?”
    Kryten glared at him sharply, “I don’t know who you mean.
    I’m only reporting facts as they’re shown on the screen.”

    Lister’s eyes widened comically, “You can’t be serious, Krytes.
    The big man, the main man, on Christmas night!
    He brings presents to all who’ve been good rather than bad.
    He brought me my first guitar; it was totally rad!”

    “That’s a lie,” Rimmer piped up, dampening Lister’s good cheer,
    “Aged nine, no skates and I’d been good all damn year.”
    “Yeah, but Rimmer,” Lister said, his eyes all a-twinkle,
    “You’re a twonk who doesn’t even believe in Kris Kringle.”

    “That’s besides the point!” Rimmer huffed and tried not to care.
    “He should lob presents at everyone good or bad, to be fair.”
    “That’s not how it works,” Lister tried to employ sane reason.
    “You’re supposed to care for your fellow man this season.”

    Kryten implored, “I believe there are more pressing matters at hand,
    Like which landing bay to tell the gentleman to land.”
    Rimmer smirked with arms crossed, “He’s not coming aboard this ship.”
    Lister flicked him off with a curt but firm, “Shut it, ya twit.”

    They sped to the docks, meeting up with Cat on the way,
    And stared in amazement at eight reindeer and one sleigh.
    “It really is Santa!” Lister proclaimed, eyes starting to glisten.
    Cat sidled up to him and asked, “Bud, who is this person?”

    “It’s Father Christmas,” Lister sang, full of cheer and great glee.
    “And he’s come to give presents to all of yous and me.”
    “He’s giving presents?” exclaimed Cat, perking up with eyes alight.
    “Dearest Cat,” Santa said, “I’m known to all this night.”

    “He’s a right smegging bastard,” Rimmer grumbled and groused.
    Santa sighed, “I’m sorry, Arnold, but your parents moved house.”
    To Rimmer’s surprise, Santa pulled from the sleigh,
    a pair of roller skates that sparkled silver, black and gray.

    Rimmer was speechless, his voice lost to the void
    as he cradled his gift as one would a newborn child.
    “And for you, my mechanical friend,” Santa said with a wink,
    “New scrubbers for your floors, walls, dishes and sink.”

    Kryten beamed, “Oh, sir, they’ll do the trick just fine!”
    Cat shoved to the front and demanded, “Where’s mine?”
    Santa shook his head with a patient, kindly smile
    and retrieved seven suits and three ties, all in style.

    The Cat preened and sniffed his new things with a purr,
    “My four favorite things: silk, satin, lace and fur!”
    Lister’s happy face while watching his friends in delight,
    started to fade, as no present for him was in sight.

    Lister tried to buck up as he knew he ought do,
    But Santa was all knowing, all seeing and saw through.
    “Lister, my lad, I know your heart’s fondest wish.
    I can’t give you that, but I can give you this:

    You’re the richest man alive, in both word and in deed.
    For it’s not the material things that you crave or most need.
    Good friends loyal and true, these you already know,
    Health and long life will follow wherever you go.

    While it may not seem like it through times good and bad,
    Good luck and great fortune are yours to be had.
    So cherish your friends, as they’re your family most dear,
    Happy Christmas to you, Dave, and always good cheer.”

    Rare silence settled over the Red Dwarf’s small crew,
    Taking the sentiment to heart (even Rimmer; who knew?).
    “Happy Christmas, Mr. Lister,” Kryten smiled brightly and gay.
    “Yeah, bud, Happy Christmas,” Cat quietly echoed the same.

    Rimmer looked to Lister, tears welled in his eyes.
    “Guess I was wrong about Christmas,” he surmised.
    “Happy Christmas to all,” was his heartfelt decree.
    Kryten replied chirpily, “Happy Christmas, smee-hee.”

    Lister’s eyes were shining, but his smile was miles wide,
    For Santa was right; he was the richest man alive.
    With good friends, food aplenty and lager on tap,
    All that was left was, “Happy Christmas ya smegheads,
    From Dave, Arn, Krytes and Cat!”

    #256398

    Offline

    There was a northerner called Rob Grant
    When asked to write a seventh series said I surely can’t
    So he fucked off and did nothing for years
    While claiming royalties, eating pies and drinking beer

    #256399

    Offline

    There was a Dwarf episode called Timewave
    That reflected the more militant PC and SJW crazes
    But it was written by a man in his sixties
    Whose cultural sensitivities were exposed as redundant
    So we just watched Johnny Vegas rub his nipples instead

    These practically write themselves!

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