What if Red Dwarf had started in 2006 and not 1987?

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This topic contains 101 replies, has 30 voices, and was last updated by  Dollar Pound 10 months, 2 weeks ago.

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    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin



    “My Pokemon cards must be worth a fortune”



    “You mean like persuade Dustin Hoffman not to make Meet the Fockers?”


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Titanic! They’ve remade Titanic.

    Philistines! The one starring Gaby Roslin and Rio Ferdinand was definitive.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Or the day Johnny Vaughan was shot.





    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    Only last month, we came across a moon shaped exactly like Pippa Middletons bottom. We flew around that one a couple of times.


    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    Oh ignore me…. I’m in the wrong time period



    “But where do all the Minidiscs go?”





    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    The war on terrorform.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Holly’s buffering again, switch their genderfluid GUI off and on.


    Taiwan Tony

    “Don’t see ‘Eragon’.”



    Oh Noel, look what’s happened to Liam.



    Saddam Hussein is a “bit dodgy”!


    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    This thread has turned out way better than I expected.


    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    Why don’t you listen to something really classical, like Mozart, Mendelssohn, or Miley Cyrus?


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Oh my God, it’s James Blunt. I recognise him from Rimmer’s Spotify.



    I’ve seen “10 Things I Hate About You”, that’s based on one of them.



    They’re from the United Utilities Federation.


    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    Supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years, although we have run out of Cilit Bang.



    “…You ever see The Simpsons?”
    “…Do you think Marge’s sexy?”



    No, that’s shit. Wrong time period.



    “Well I’m not fully qualified, but I’ve seen every episode of Chicago Hope.”



    “He’s got an iphone, and an Apple Mac, so that he can correlate his facts.”


    Taiwan Tony

    Half the time it was me telling him to ‘fuck off’.


    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    “I’m not a combination of the speaking clock, Christian Dior & Nicky Clarke.”

    Although, changing the references in that line makes me realise that the sound of the words is probably more important to that joke than who they actually are.



    We’ve been copied more times than that JPEG of the tennis girl scratching her butt.


    Taiwan Tony

    >We’ve been copied more times than that JPEG of …




    Not here, it’s too sandy.



    “But listen to some of the physicists involved – Heidegger, Chantelle, Price, Essex – some of the most brilliant minds of the 21st century.”



    Norman Lovett will moan about his ball being taken away on the documentary



    “We could go to Paris in 1997 and shout, stop. Sorry, I must have bypassed my good taste chip”


    Taiwan Tony

    “Me, who do you think, Pat Sharp?”



    “No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your cadet school training officer at Beat The Geek.”


    Paul Muller

    “FIFA, Wii Tennis, you name it.”

    “Mario Kart”


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    A reversed shot of Rob Grant vaping.

    Here matey, drinky? Bmobregäj.


    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    You know what the worst book ever written is? Football: It’s A Funny Old Game, by John Terry.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    As if John Terry can read, let alone write.


    Dollar Pound

    don’t give me that red dwarf crap it’s too early in the morning


    Stabbim the Skutter

    Whatever you do, don’t see Mamma Mia.


    Stabbim the Skutter

    It’s better to have loved and to have lost…than to have listened to an album by Taylor Swift.


    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    This ol’ baby’s crashed more times than an original model Xbox 360.



    “The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Taybarns”



    “I was in love once. A Game Boy Advance. People said, no, Holly, she’s not for you. She’s cheap, she’s stupid and you can’t see her screen in low lighting conditions.”



    “What, dressed like that?”

    “Yeah – going to see Deep Blue Sea.”


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Where would all the calculator apps go?

    Stiff upper router, old girl.



    Big Smeg, Little Smeg


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    I’ll be in my quarters, covered in gluten-free taramasalata.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    Don’t you remember, sir? We battled the non-binary gender beast from the Mogadon Cluster.



    Then buy a potion from Dumbledore, the master wizard, that’s what I usually do.


    International Debris

    Any chance we can stop with the non-binary jokes now?


    Pete Tranter’s Sister



    International Debris

    Because I’m genderqueer and thus seeing gender dysphoria such as mine used as a punchline of a joke is pretty unpleasant.



    I agree with Debris.

    Bollocking damn and jumbo LimeWire.



    Queeg: He gets all his answers on astronomy, phenomenology and physics from a single website.
    Rimmer: What’s the website?
    Queeg: BBC Bitesize. It’s the only one he can find which has pictures.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    International Debris, no, you’re not.

    Groovy YouTube Channel 27.


    International Debris

    We live in a society in which transphobia is still tolerated to a reasonable extent, and despite the acceptance of people being outside the gender binary having existed in myriad cultures throughout history, I know it’s something that a lot of people are still unhappy with in modern western society. I’m not interested in an argument on the matter or anything of the kind, which is simply why I asked politely if you could not make any more jokes. Whether you believe gender dysphoria like mine is a genuine thing or just me being a loony, one way or another it’s something that affects my mental wellbeing on a daily basis and therefore I’d prefer it if you’d have the compassion to take my feelings into account. Thanks.



    You’re clearly being a cunt on purpose, PTS. You’ve been given the benefit of the doubt before but clearly you are.



    Yeah, you’re going out of the way to be shitty at this point. If your goal is to make sure nobody misses you the next time you inevitably quit the forum, though, you’re doing great.



    You might get words associated with an apology but I think the sincerity costs extra.


    International Debris

    I’m realistic about it; I’ve accepted that a lot of people will be skeptical about something that seemingly goes against what society at large teaches them. I’m happy with my own gender identity – especially after learning it’s something that’s existed throughout history – and that’s what matters. I don’t expect societal reform on my behalf. If someone believes my gender dysphoria is real, or whether it’s ‘all in my head’, that’s up to them. But I just ask that they accept that *I* believe I’m genderqueer. I always try to be a decent, open minded and unmalicious person, and in return I only hope that people don’t make me the butt of spiteful jokes.

    I’m not a teenager who’s adopted a gender identity as part of a lifestyle to attract attention and provocation. I hate arguing about gender; I barely mention it online; and much as I don’t like to, I generally dress down to avoid confrontation that can come from looking femme. I know / hope that does break the stereotype that the original jokes were almost certainly made in reference to.

    Anyway, I’m not demanding apologies or anything (a sincere apology comes regardless of demand, and an insincere one is pointless), my only request was some sensitivity around targets of jokes. That said, I think I’ll bow out of this thread because, as I say, I generally hate the shit that comes with these kind of arguments. I love G&T because the shared passion for Red Dwarf makes me really happy, and I don’t want to taint that experience with stuff that makes me unhappy.

    If, on the off chance, someone wants to discuss this kind of thing with me in any way whatsoever you can probably find me following G&T people on Twitter.


    Pete Tranter’s Sister

    I miss the days when John Hoare would call me a cunt for protesting against the licence fee. It’s all got a bit Tumblr around here. I can’t wrap my head around this multiple gender doo-dah but it was just part of a joke, not the joke itself, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I’ll curb the gender jokes but some of you have to chill the fuck out.


    Pete Part Three

    Could you not just fuck off all together?

    1. Make inappropriate comment
    2. Apologise in a shit way
    3. React badly when your apology is not accepted because it’s not sincere
    4. Threaten to leave
    5. Come back 2 days later.



    Taiwan Tony

    You’re such a hypocrite, PTS, it’s almost impressive.



    It’s almost as though making dick comments, trying to turn yourself into the focus of every thread, and constantly declaring that you’re leaving the forum (only to return immediately) is textbook troll behaviour, isn’t it?

    It was bad enough that it ruined the Westworld thread, let’s not make it a habit. If PTS really wants to draw a line under the controversy then let’s all move on and maybe PTS can refrain from the dickish behaviour in future. But I would bet money on his next post somehow being about himself and his impact on the forum again.

    I think most people here would rather talk about Red Dwarf.


    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    Fuck’s sake. Another thread ruined by this tedious prick. I will not tolerate transphobia, or any other type of prejudice, and I certainly won’t tolerate decent members of this community being made to feel like they have to stop participating as a result of one person being a tosser.

    Pete Tranter’s Sister – the very next time you say something that we deem to be needlessly offensive or inappropriate towards a fellow forum member, you’re permanently banned. Plus, I don’t want any back and forth about the rights and wrongs of what you said – it’s 2016, and it’s you that’s out of step, not the rest of us. Either fall in line with literally the only rule of this place (namely: don’t be a dick), or I’ll resolve the issue the easy way.


    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin


    Hang on, hang on. Someone’s being brought out, they’re tying him to a stake. It’s Iggle Piggle!



    “If you want me I’ll be in my quarters, covered in Frubes.”



    Tikka would instead be an episode on GWB causing 9/11


    Ian Symes

    G&T Admin

    The tenth anniversary night, this year, would be hosted by Chris Pine, and feature The Great British Smeg Off and Pointless Universe.



    Talkie AGA.



    “Jamie Kennedy… it’s gotta be…”



    Holly, this is Rimmer. Remember me? Rimmer… Arnold Rimmer?
    The poor goit you made look like Amy Winehouse.



    Is this an iPhone 5s? Does it look even remotely like an iPhone 5s?

    *This* is an iPhone 5s, Lister. This is an iPhone 5c. Are you blind?

    (puts back wrong iPhone)


    Ben Paddon

    Smoke me a UKIPper, I’ll be back for Brexit.

    (Rather shamelessly yoinked from someone on Tumblr, but too good not to share.)



    “But it’s obscene. A book is a thing of beauty. The voice of
    freedom, the essence of civilisation”
    “‘My Booky Wook’?”


    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    The tenth anniversary night, this year, would be hosted by Chris Pine, and feature The Great British Smeg Off and Pointless Universe.

    I’d watch the fuck out of that!



    “I’ve just finished reading everything put by anyone on MySpace ever”


    Jason aka Smeg4Brains

    “…or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Sam Neill?”



    “What’s it turned me into?”

    *fedora rises above counter*

    “A meninist?!”


    Ben Paddon

    “For the last four minutes you have been engaged in the PlayStation VR game, Red Dwarf. And you’ve had to stop because you’re starting to feel queasy.”



    Pre-order the season pass now for unlockable Sheriff Kryten skin and dildonics DLC


    Phobos And Deimos

    Keep writing those YouTube videos with a peak of 20,000 views, kid.



    Stephen Abootman

    CAT: Five Gmail invites?
    RIMMER: Six Gmail invites!
    CAT: Oooowwww!


    Paul Muller

    “I’m not a combination of the Apple Watch, ASOS and Nicky Clarke”



    Kryten: Digital Versatile Discs, sir. DVD for short. They were really popular in the early part of the 21st century before they died out and were replaced with what we use now.
    Lister: What? Nokia Rok Digital Video Chips?
    Kryten: Precisely


    Paul Muller

    “He’s never been mistaken for Greg Wallace – he’s not bald and his head doesn’t…um…shwallace.”



    Well, it’s not exactly female-orientated anymore, not since the the equal-rights-for-men marches. You know, they burned their jockstraps and all that. Haven’t you read “The Male Eunuch” by Piers Morgan


    Paul Muller

    “Come on, Rimmer, the only reason you knocked around with those prats from /r/TheRedPill was you could never get a date.”



    Are you vaping, Lister? In the drive room!



    “You mean persuade Robert De Niro not to make…?”

    Well, the choices are limitless, really.



    Limitless would definitely be my choice.



    *Kryten enters wearing one of those cardboard cut out Alan Carr masks and a grey hoodie*
    …well, you said ‘look inconspicuous’!”


    Plastic Percy

    “You can’t get ahold of these for love nor money. These are like Venus’ arms! These are like Keira Knightley’s buttocks!”



    CAPTAIN: Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardize every man and woman on this ship — not only that — but you take a selfie of yourself with the cat and share it on the crew’s Facebook group. Now, I’m going to ask you again, do you have a cat?



    In 2006?



    i guess so



    A webcam screenshot on Bebo, perhaps.



    He changed it to his MSN Messenger picture.



    He put Frankenstein in his MySpace top 8.


    Dollar Pound

    rd started in 2009 and was called ‘community’

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