Ian Symes

[Ian Symes]

The thing in Pete Part Two about Lister and Rimmer being the only people who can operate the Time Wand. What, out of everyone on the whole ship? In the same episode where Lister is established to be so stupid that he can’t even do a dot-to-dot puzzle?

[Ian Symes]

I have a feeling I should know the T. It seems recognisable, but I just can’t put my finger on it.

[Ian Symes]

Ian, what do you think, Ian?

Why don’t we get the nuclear warheads and strap them on to Tonguetied’s head?

[Ian Symes]

Wiis are literally the best thing ever, it’s true.

What a rotten story, though. Keep on at them, Ben. They’re clearly cretins.

CUSTOMER: “I want to be able to give you money in order to use your services.”
COMPANY: “Erm, you can’t. Piss off.”

[Ian Symes]

Its gay and Welsh

*You’re* gay and Welsh.

[Ian Symes]

My nipples explode with delight!

[Ian Symes]

Oh, the acting was just as bad as the comedic timing.

Faithful to the original in that respect, then.

[Ian Symes]

FUCK YOU BOTH.

Who’d have thought Millionaire is still popular enough to have at least four of us watching at the same time?

[Ian Symes]

> Pretentious, watashi?

THANK YOU.

[Ian Symes]

I thought the D was for Tenacious D ?cause they call themselves the Ds a lot.

Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

[Ian Symes]

Teach Yourself Japanese? How pretentious.

[Ian Symes]

I’d say you’d be looking at a fair chunk more than ?500 a month. We pay ?800pcm here for a one-bed flat, and that’s without bills. We’re paying for the area, though – Zone 3, slap bang in the middle of two tube stations. If you go out another zone or two, you might be all right. I previously lived in a slightly-run-down four-bed-plus-two-large-reception-rooms town house in Zone 5, and that was only ?1400pcm.

[Ian Symes]

I seem to have quite a few friends that are jobbing actors (which is what comes from using cheap/free actors in uni projects, I suppose) and it seems to be harder to be a jobbing actor in London than anywhere else, due to the stiffer competition. Having said that, on the plus side, you could do what one of my friends managed pretty easily – get a staff job at a theatre production. It would be similar to what you’re doing at the moment, cinema-wise, but with the added bonus that you’d be around actors all the time, learning how theatre works, drinking in the atmosphere, etc. Long hours, but apparently worthwhile.

[Ian Symes]

Wow, look how polite I was to Toungetied!

[Ian Symes]

I moved down without a job, went round some agencies on the first weekday after moving on a Saturday, expecting to have to settle for some crappy temp work for a while. Had a completely demoralising day where the agencies were all crap with me, until I went into one at the last minute to see if they had anything. By the end of the day, I had my job with a telly writer?s agency.

So, moving without a job can be done, but I don?t recommend it unless you?ve saved up at least a month?s worth of rent and food money beforehand. I just got lucky, but I wouldn?t wish the associated can?t-sleep-nervousness on anyone?

For the opposite story – Jo (singingpotato1979) moved down here in August, without a job, and it wasn’t until mid-November that she got one. That wasn’t the best three months…

[Ian Symes]

Rent is ridiculously high, so don’t expect to get anything good, and don’t expect it to be slap bang in the middle of the city. Living in Zone 3 or 4 is best, as a compromise between rent and location. Living costs aren’t that much higher than anywhere else, despite the reputation. Beer is more expensive, but that’s only if you go to shit places. Food and utilities are the same as anywhere else. In fact, petrol is significantly cheaper, but that’s probably because having a car isn’t terribly necessary. Getting work isn’t as easy as you’d think, so do be careful before you take the plunge. The tube is ridiculously easy to use, and anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot. It’s also much better than any other form of transport anywhere in the country, but after six months or so, you’ll find yourself slagging it off at every opportunity.

And if you’re going to walk down Oxford Street at any point, DON’T SUDDENLY STOP WALKING. This simple piece of advise seems to evade most non-Londoners.

[Ian Symes]

I live in London, and am excellent at it. What’s the matter, dear?

[Ian Symes]

G’s not Guns N’ Roses… is it Gibson?

[Ian Symes]

Not as many as I should, I feel.

B = ABBA
D = AC/DC
E = ELO?
F = Def Leppard
M = Iron Maiden
Q = Queen
S = Styx?
X = INXS
Y = Yes

*awaits the arrival of Mick or Karl*

[Ian Symes]

Cor!

[Ian Symes]

Come on Ian, put your money where your mouth is!

I’ve put my girlfriend where my mouth is. And not for the first time.

[Ian Symes]

Because editing in time to the music is over-rated.

[Ian Symes]

I knew I could rely on you for that one.

[Ian Symes]

Toungetied is clearly Ian Beale in disguise.

[Ian Symes]

I know that the fan club do their best (but if their best involves employing Paul Gannon, then it’s not quite as good as it should be, but anyway), it’s just the constant implication that it’s the fans’ fault whenever they do something wrong that really pisses me off. You’ve got to ask why people aren’t sending stuff in, and not just blame “the internet”, as if it’s the boogeyman. And if people don’t send stuff in off their own back, do something about it, don’t just kick your heels around and stare at the letter box.

[Ian Symes]

Just noticed something else. There’s a banner ad for the calendar on the front page, which says “click for more information”. And when you click it, it takes you to… the same banner ad, as a gif file. Do people test websites before they launch them any more? Still, at least it’s not set out like a fucking ProBoard any more.

[Ian Symes]

Here’s an email I sent about half an hour ago. I originally wanted to post it on BTLi, but posting it here is a nice compromise.

—-

Of course, a massive picture of Clare Grogan!

Of course, a bright red eye-hurting background!

Of course, Series I is now available on DVD! (Only five years out of
date with that one)

If you click around to different pages, they’re all themed on
different DVD releases. For some reason. Anyway, very few of them
actually have text and pictures that relate to one another. So on the
“Convention Zone” page (because naming sections after “Zones” is so
fashionable and cutting edge… it makes the place sound like an early
90s Sega or Nintendo magazine), there’s a picture of the Series III
DVD, with a caption informing us that Series VII is available. Team
Zone – picture of Series IV, caption about Series VIII. Of course, he
did well to at least get *one* picture on that page. “Picture coming
soon” placeholders really give the place a professional vibe.

And on the “Communication Zone” page…

“There are hundreds of fan based web sites out there, some have
forums, others have message boards and some even have chatrooms.
Unfortunately we are unable to link to these sites for directly for
copyright reasons”

Yes, that’s how the internet works. It’s against copyright law to
provide a link to a website. That’s definitely the reason that there’s
no links to fansites on the site, not that Gannon can’t bring himself
to link to G&T. Oh no.

ALSO

“BTL was phased out due to fan submissions dwindling, in advent of the
Internet and instant access to Red Dwarf information.”

Yes, that’s why it was phased out. It’s our fault, isn’t it? It’s all
our fault, and not the fan club’s.

[Ian Symes]

Except that the real Titanic didn?t have any binoculars?

Also, it wasn’t a spaceship.

[Ian Symes]

Was gunna see it at work this week, but missed it. The director died the following day :S

The director’s son died the following day. Insert appropriate Future Echoes quote here.

[Ian Symes]

I know, and watching it makes me want to immediately re-read IWCD.

[Ian Symes]

Fuck you all.

[Ian Symes]

That’s simply incredible. What a guy.

[Ian Symes]

Or indeed like Roger Rabbit.

[Ian Symes]

No.

[Ian Symes]

You really should have organised that before August, when my missus lived a stones throw away from Vasey town centre. Every time I visited her there, I noticed another location. You know how Les McQueen has a really tacky, horrible painting of a sunrise on his front door? That’s real.

[Ian Symes]

Hey, I thought I stole that one.

[Ian Symes]

You’d have killed for a physical “attack” upon your “person” when you were seventeen, and you know it.

[Ian Symes]

> There are reasons why I don?t, in general, drink alone – the fact that I have a slightly addictive personality, the fact that there?s a history of alcoholism in certain members of my family, the fact that I don?t really know when to stop so I need someone else to tell me – it all means it?s probably not a very sensible route to go down.

Plus, you get pissed after a half of cider.

[Ian Symes]

> Sorry, came back from pub after several pints of the black stuff and posted utter bollocks.

You can’t drink several pints of Bovril!

[Ian Symes]

And all it took was a fat karate punch.

[Ian Symes]

> Wait til you see how I fuck up Easter?

I misread this as “fuck up Esther”. That mental image is simply not going to shift.

[Ian Symes]

Oh crap, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud…

[Ian Symes]

Hits include: Don’t Bring Me Up, Mr. Black Sky and Dyin’ Thing.

[Ian Symes]

> no mate you spell it ?E.M.O?

I’ve just had a great idea for a tribute band.

[Ian Symes]

I thought it was just an amusing, throwaway leap of logic, saying that his wife mean about as much to him as having a goatee. I guess we’re not all as up-to-speed on gay slang as you are, Andrew.

[Ian Symes]

> Y?know, like a beard, a gay man?s only-for-show wife. It?s like?slang or something.

Suddenly that line in Time Crash makes more sense.

[Ian Symes]

I have the video… it’s not good.

[Ian Symes]

No, the problem is that it’s completely meaningless and stupid.

[Ian Symes]

Two things about the Rob/Doug interview:

1) You can pinpoint the exact moment when Doug decides to write new material for the mobisodes.

2) DOUG SAYS A LINE FROM THE MOVIE: YEAH NO YEAH NO! Coincidence? Yes, obviously. But still.

[Ian Symes]

I did a couple of pieces on Dwarf at uni, but my best ever mark came from an analysis of Hitchhikers as a contemporary social satire. I wanted to do a dissertation on Doctor Who, but they wouldn’t let me.

[Author]

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