Forum Replies Created

Viewing 100 posts - 1 through 100 (of 300 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261130
    Rubber
    Participant

    I’D EEYORE FOR AN EPISODE

    Unusual episode with a fairly downbeat, existentialist plot which would probably make me quite depressed for the duration but would nudge the show out of ‘heritage sitcom’ status and back into some sort of temporary relevance again, I suppose.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261129
    Rubber
    Participant

    EYE DEE or FOR A NAPE, I SEWED

    Absolutely exhausting boundary-pushing Coupling-style split-screen episode in which two A-plots run side-by-side with overlapping dialogue and no pacing concessions made to those poor non-mechanoid viewers who can’t process two separate stories happening simultaneously. While Rimmer and Lister spend an uncomfortable half hour covertly watching Kochanski’s bubbly, much less discerning cousin Dee via the CCTV spycam they placed in her private shower, Cat becomes absolutely obsessed with the fit of all his suits where the collar sits on the back of his neck, and demands that Kryten restitch every single one or face death by disintegration. A humorous silent background plot involving Holly developing computer acne ties the two storylines together. Guest starring Sally Lindsay as Dee.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261106
    Rubber
    Participant

    HIDE EAR FOR AN EPISODE

    It’s April Fool’s Day! Two cheeky Skutters remove Kryten’s left ear while he’s distracted and conceal it behind the Piney Shine in the cleaning supplies cupboard, leading to 30 minutes of Kryten desperately roaming the ship trying to find it. Meanwhile, Lister has a wank. In a rare post-credits scene, Kryten eventually locates the ear and furiously smashes the sniggering Skutters to pieces with a sledgehammer.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261097
    Rubber
    Participant

    IDEA: FOUR ARN EPISODE

    Inspiration strikes Doug once again: an entire episode about the Rimmer barbershop quartet!

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261094
    Rubber
    Participant

    I DEAR FOR AN EPISODE

    Rimmer finally succumbs to the constant pressure of his peers and becomes an extremely expensive holo-prostitute for half an hour.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261093
    Rubber
    Participant

    ID-R4N EPISODE

    Butler’s uncouth Australian cousin, Brucebot ID-R4N, unexpectedly comes to stay the night before Butz is due to be interviewed by Melvyn Bragg at the opening of his new play. Can our favourite metal polymath keep the embarrassingly off-brand beer-swilling, arse-slapping, dingo-munching swearbox away from the luvvies, the critics and the cameras, and maintain his reputation for refinement?

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261086
    Rubber
    Participant

    ID ARTHUR: AN EPISODE

    Keen to bring the median viewer age for Dave-era Dwarf below 57, Doug writes a crossover script in which Kryten asks cheerful Canadian kids’ TV cartoon aardvark Arthur for some identification when he tries to purchase hard liquor at Parrots.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261083
    Rubber
    Participant

    IDEA: FOREIGN EPISODE

    Doug writes an Tokyo-based episode performed entirely in Japanese and CHRIST Kryten’s lines are a bugger to learn for this one.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261082
    Rubber
    Participant

    I DEER FOR AN EPISODE

    Cat digs out his unreality bubble reindeer head from VI and wears it for the full half hour.

    in reply to: The Best Bits of VIII #261081
    Rubber
    Participant

    TBF I love that Geraldine McEwan was in Red Dwarf and I love that her episode stood head and shoulders above the others.

    The prison sets are good (although most of the rest of the ship sets aren’t really).

    Kochanski’s “no wonder I couldn’t lure him out with a bit of cheese” is probably her best line in the whole of VIII and she doesn’t ham it up. In fact she does a very good job with the most thankless, underwritten role throughout the series.

    Rimmer not realising Lister’s appeal is about guitar strings in funny, although nothing about the way it plays out or pays off is.

    If VII hadn’t set him off down this path already it would have been infuriating BUT Kryten had already spent a series becoming so erratic that by the start of VIII that it was quite amusing to see the new/old crew regarding him as dangerously deranged.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261056
    Rubber
    Participant

    MIGHTY LIGHT III: PET RESCUE

    Rimmer turns into the Mighty Light to rescue a mewling kitten from inside a ventilation shaft, intending to softlight the wall of the duct, reach through and tug the pawsy micropuss to safety. Unfortunately he activates his powers slightly too enthusiastically and inadvertently causes everything connected to the duct to turn soft light as well, which is basically the internal infrastructure and the outer hull of the entire ship, quickly asphyxiating the organic component of the crew. The Mighty Light! The Mighty Light!

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261055
    Rubber
    Participant

    MIGHTY LIGHT II: MIDWIFE

    Rimmer turns into the Mighty Light just as Kochanski goes into labour, so he reaches inside her fleshy babcradle, lasers through the umbilical cord, turns the child soft light and pulls it out through the surface of her belly. Unfortunately his powers fail halfway through the delivery and everything solidifies again, leaving Kochanski with a pair of babylegs protruding from her swollen abdomen for the rest of her life. The Mighty Light! The Mighty Light!

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261054
    Rubber
    Participant

    MIGHTY LIGHT!

    Rimmer turns into the Mighty Light, gives Lister a big hug and turns him soft light, trapping him in the same incorporeal hell Rimmer suffered through for five years before Legion fisted him solid. Don’t you mess with the Mighty Light! The Mighty Light! The Mighty Light! God I just adore the Mighty Light.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261052
    Rubber
    Participant

    SILVER HOLO-WARE

    It’s the sixteenth page, but how best to technically inaccurately mark the occasion? WELL. After checking the Wikipedia entry for wedding anniversary gifts, Rimmer nips down to space John Lewis and returns with an array of silver sugar bowls, creamers, coffee pots, teapots, soup tureens, hot food covers, water jugs, platters and butter pat plates, before firing up his diamond light drive and turning them all soft light so nobody else can use them.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261049
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISE’S PIZZAS

    Brainpasted photocopy Lise Yates’ pizza restaurant goes down the [deep!] pan when her controlling boyfriend David insists she pour curry sauce over everything before serving it. Meanwhile, Rimmer gets really into A/R Risk and it’s all fun and games until several war-hungry platoons escape from the A/R machine just as the crew discover that one of their number has idiotically switched all the live bazookoid ammo for blanks. Duck, smegheads!

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261040
    Rubber
    Participant

    TELFORD’S GEL HOARDS

    It’s the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic and fauxchassised psychoprick Professor Telford scurries around the research base gathering up all the little bottles of antibacterial handwash and hiding them in various covert crannies for his personal use only. Meanwhile, Kryten’s amusing plan to pretend to shake hands with Kochanski, only to break one of her fingers at the last second, takes a tricky turn when he accidentally rips her entire arm off, panics and crushes both her legs and then punches her in the boob. How’s our favourite mech going to talk his way out of that one?

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #261036
    Rubber
    Participant

    FUCK KNOWS FUCK KNOWS FUCK KNOWS although one thing I do know is that pouring a virus onto a boilersuit won’t immediately give the virus to the person in the boilersuit and absolutely nobody else nearby.

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #261035
    Rubber
    Participant

    The assaults on Rimmer still confuse me. He took the sexual magnetism virus to become irresistible to women, then when they can’t resist he tries to refuse? I’m not victim-blaming at all, but at the same time the women were not in control of themselves – we saw how it affected Kochanski, and how she felt disgusted and mortified once it wore off; her actions were not willing – so the women with Rimmer would feel similarly, and equally their actions were not willing either.
    (Btw if the genders were reversed I would still be confused; it just would may have been more immediately recognised as problematic.)
    I can only conclude that Rimmer trying to refuse was another thing for the sake of ‘oh this’ll be funny’ without thinking through the implications. The implications of the virus making someone actually irresistible – not just attractive – are problematic in themselves, too. I cannot see a way around the situation (e.g. Rimmer consenting) that would make it okay.

    Depressingly, I spent all afternoon wondering about the ethics and legality around this. I’m sure IRL someone can be around a person with sexual magnetism without being unable to stop themselves assaulting them, but using it deliberately to attract only certain people is also misguided and arguably the same as intoxicating someone to make them more suggestible (certainly his intention) so HMMMM faults on all sides potentially. Although Lister covertly dousing him in it is definitely WRONG and all those men who grab him are WRONG although maybe more susceptible or suggestible FUCK KNOWS FUCK KNOWS FUCK KNOWS

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261026
    Rubber
    Participant

    SNACKY’S JACKIES

    Broad-shouldered beefcake dispensary Snacky stumbles across a stash of 1970s and 80s Jackie magazines in a stasis booth and promptly vanishes for several years while he ploughs through all the frothy back issues, mostly for the problem pages if he’s being honest. Meanwhile, everyone’s really into paper scissors stone, but poor old Holly feels like a corpse on a bouncy castle: not really able to participate fully! Chin up, armless!

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261024
    Rubber
    Participant

    DEATH’S JEFFS

    Multibrow drooptache baldibonce simultant Death spends a stressful evening trying to juggle three separate simultaneous dates with his obliviously chuckholded young boyfriends Jeff, Jeff and Jeff, all without losing track of his cover stories or losing track of his temper and blasting them to atoms. Meanwhile, Cat decides it’s time to incorporate more fibre into his diet. Pass the Bran Flakes, smegheads! Guest starring Himesh Patel as Jeff, Liam Williams as Jeff, Tom Rosenthal as Jeff and John Bercow as Winking Maitre D’.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261021
    Rubber
    Participant

    ZIGGY’S PIGGIES

    Fluffbonced frockcoat Ziggy starts breeding his collection of pigs with jugs to make pugs, but instead he just ends up with lots of jugs of pig semen – though, on the SS Encomium, that’s good enough for the sperm bank! Meanwhile, Lister spends the entire episode being portrayed by crack aficionado and Ghostwatch alumnus Craig Charles.

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #261014
    Rubber
    Participant

    I’m trying to decide what my actual worst single moment of S8 is, but having trouble choosing.

    Probably either of the rapes for me. Or that bit where Birdman says ‘and this is Pete!’ with a big grin that I think is supposed to be endearing.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #261009
    Rubber
    Participant

    FRANK’S WANKS

    Dwarflore mainstay Frank masturbates. AAAAHHHH, BUT WHICH ONE? Meanwhile, Lister gets Kochanski conspicuously sozzled and Kryten forcibly nudges her down the spiral staircase when no-one’s watching.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260997
    Rubber
    Participant

    CHEN’S PENS

    Bubblepermed greasesplatter Chen honours the unrealised ambition of his long-deceased great-great-grandmother Pauline Campbell-Jones and opens a small stationery concession on Red Dwarf, much to Rimmer’s obvious delight. Meanwhile, Kryten and Cat turn competitive when they both get really into making fractionally different varieties of spacemustard. Guest starring Pam St Clement as Big Mama Chen.

    in reply to: the social significance of nerds like Duane Dibbley? #260996
    Rubber
    Participant

    I never got why it’s bad for him to have a thermos. Hot drinks are nerdy?

    Just go to Starbucks like everybody else

    Pricey! A thermos is a good investment. You can probably get one with a picture of Kochanski on it these days.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260983
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S ’LISTERS

    Smegasaurus stinkoik Dave Lister makes 349 photocopies of Captain Hollister’s face, draws a different moustache on each one and uses them to wallpaper his bunkroom. Meanwhile, Cat’s cuban heels have worn all the skin off his heel and he realises Rimmer was right about the benefits of shoe trees all along. Will he swallow his pride and ask for a lend?

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260982
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLISTER’S DOLL LISTERS

    Flabbergut bossbollock Captain Hollister develops a crush on Lister and takes a mould of him while he’s in stasis which he uses to create two dozen Lister pleasuredolls, all doomed to end up flattened under the fat captain’s bulky desire in a frottage frenzy. Meanwhile, Rimmer’s absolutely fuming that nobody’s said anything nice about his yellow eyeshadow.

    in reply to: the social significance of nerds like Duane Dibbley? #260981
    Rubber
    Participant

    Comedy writers who feel like they’re sitting some way down the social pecking order – and are either annoyed at it or relishing in it – doing the usual ‘well at least this person is clearly much more of a loser than me’ thing.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260980
    Rubber
    Participant

    PREE’S KNEES

    Gothbrowed predictabitch screentwat Pree reinstalls herself and makes a point of selecting a frame size that shows her legs as well as her face and knockers. Meanwhile, Cat whiles away another dull evening firing Kryten’s spare eyes from his vagina.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260979
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAMILLE’S DAMN WHEELS

    Self-doubting splattergreen squelchmonster Camille slips a disc during a particularly vigorous bout of lovemaking and ends up confined to a wheelchair for several months, much to xyr frustration. Meanwhile, Kryten isn’t even bothering to hide the fact that he puts broken glass and razor blades in Kochanski’s meals anymore.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260959
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S BRATS

    Dave repeats Can of Worms. Meanwhile, Kryten blacks up.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260956
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S SOLIC’TORS

    Species finale Dave Lister stumbles across a small firm of litigators quietly beavering away at the back end of Y deck, apparently blissfully unaware that the original crew are dead and three million years have passed. Freshly alerted to the current situation, they coerce Lister into filing hundreds of aggressive lawsuits against a horrified and increasingly pennycentless Rimmer in order to maintain a steady stream of income for the firm. Ker-CHING! Meanwhile, Triad Tony digs out his trusty machete and honour kills Madge. Guest starring Stephen Mangan as Anthony Bretherton and Nish Kumar as Sanjay Proctor-Singh.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260948
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S BATS

    Fangfuck clotheshorse Cat finally gets around to sniffskimming his crippled mother’s memoir and learns that his pointy incisors didn’t grow that way because he’s a moggy — he was actually sired by a vampire! Suddenly all the elaborate tailoring and pompadour hairstyling makes sense. He immediately defrosts all the bats from the cryogenic storedeck and recruits then as his bloodly minions, only to find they’re indifferent to his commands — turns out he was reading the wrong memoir and the ‘Moggy’ with the vampire pops was actually of the Jacob Rhys- variety. Satirical! Meanwhile, Rimmmer’s planning to represent Io in elbow-titting at the 3003000 Olympics, but due to COVID-19 still being a thing he’s having to compete remotely via webcam using a standard issue bioprinted breastmould, and he’s not happy about it! Will Kochanski soften towards him and let him nudge her pillows for his moment of glory?

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260947
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLISTER’S JOLLY STAIRS

    Keen to shift some of that Tesco blueberry muffin blubber, lardarse overlord Captain Hollister encourages staircase use by giving the entire stairwell an SS Enconium makeover and installing holograms of Ziggy shrieking motivational slogans on every landing. Love that accent, funboy! Meanwhile, Cat’s alarmed but not entirely surprised to note that, 18 pages into the table reading, he’s still only had two lines of dialogue. Guest starring Joaquin Phoenix as Holozig.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260940
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLY’S DOLLIES

    Retarded sundial Holly’s feeling waggish, so he flushes the crew out into deep space and replaces them with Sylvanian Families. Meanwhile, an unusually calm Todhunter picks up a fresh scalpel and carves ‘I WILL NOT’ into his forearm, then blankly stares at it for 74 minutes before finding something to mop up the blood.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260938
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S ZIMMERS

    Suddenly irrationally fixated on his advancing years — despite being a total deado — cuntish desklamp Rimmer starts obsessively stockpiling Zimmer frames from every derelict they encounter, despite his faux-jovial insistence that he’ll never need them. Meanwhile, Kryten traps Kochanski in the reflection of every mirror on board ship, then smashes them all.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260931
    Rubber
    Participant

    KRYTEN’S BRIGHT HENS

    Following another humiliating poetry recital chez Butler, exposition dilettante Kryten decides to raise the conversational standards on board Red Dwarf by infecting the rest of the crew with a brain-bulging programmable intelligence virus. Unfortunately they’re all completely immune to the effects, but when Cat accidentally infects the stasis chicken coop, Kryten finds himself up to his eyes in professorial poultry! Meanwhile, Lister dodges the shower for the 7848th day in a row, so Rimmer snaps and hangs him.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260927
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S FISTERS

    After yet another night on the sauce, filth reservoir Dave Lister falls foul of Lady Law when he’s caught drunk in charge of Starbug and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. To his obvious discomfort, dirty Dave finds himself tasked with coaching an enthusiastic but unskilled team of amateur fisters facing another potential trouncing in the BDSM arena at the Zero-Gee Olympics. Will Lister overcome his innate prejudices and steer the punchfucking boys to glory, opening his own metaphorical rosebud and learning something important from them along the way? Meanwhile, Rimmer discovers that his sparkly holo-farts make excellent indoor fireworks. Ooooh! Aaaah! Guest starring Andrew Scott as Dominic Harness, with Hugh Skinner and Russell Tovey as Nathan and Bumper.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260921
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S STATS

    Pedantry looms large when fashion-forward fish aficionado Cat starts wearing glasses and immediately develops an intense interest in statistics, much to the chagrin of constantly-corrected Rimmer! Meanwhile, Kochanski attempts to pass the Bechdel test after 23 consecutive fails. Could it finally be her year?

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260920
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLY’S CAULIS

    Neckless brainchamber Holly embraces semi-retirement and gets an allotment, but soon finds the cutthroat world of competitive vegetable growing is far more stressful than running Red Dwarf ever was! Meanwhile, Kryten and Rimmer argue over whether tampons, pads or mooncups are better, despite neither having a stake in the outcome nor being remotely qualified to answer the question. Guest starring Kevin Whately as Voice Of Wheelbarrow.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260913
    Rubber
    Participant

    KOCHANSKI’S SCOTCH PANKIES

    Snooty tit-haver Kris develops a hankering for the pancakes she enjoyed back in Glasgow as a young girl, but can she identify her mother’s vital secret ingredient and rediscover the taste of her childhood? (It turns out to be maternal love, btw.) Meanwhile, Cat bleaches his anus and Lister breaches his anus.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260909
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S DIMMERS

    Pernickety projection Rimmer’s bullying best friend Dave Lister forcibly retrofits his light bee with a dimmer switch and turns him down just a bit… just a bit more… little bit more… little bit more… just a bit more… more than that… little bit more than that… just a bit more… until Rimmer’s essentially invisible and inaudible, trapped in a Kafkaesque nightmare, and Lister can completely ignore him. Meanwhile, Kryten decides to start keeping one item of jewellery from every prostitute he bludgeons to death. Guest starring Alison Brie as Tawny-Rose.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260906
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLY’S MOLLIES

    Human futurepolitics inevitably cycles through another depressing right-wing period and, in response, the JMC onboard computer outlaws all homosexual activity and non-binary pursuits. As the only genuinely intelligent entity on-board ship, demented screensaver Holly responds by setting up a covert meeting place for Red Dwarf’s closeted gay residents, but who’ll be first through the door? Meanwhile, Cat falls foul of the new restrictions when a Skutter mistakes him for a drag artiste and tasers him.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260905
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S BLISTERS

    Walking skidmark Dave Lister’s bra-unhooking practice has taken its toll on his friction-addled fingers – where can he find a firm, high-backed armchair in which to recuperate? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s genealogy exploits lead him to the alarming realisation that ‘Dungo’ Dennis, his parents’ gardener and Rimmer’s biological father, later moved to Callisto to train in patisserie and went on to operate a small doughnut franchise on a mining ship in orbit around Jupiter, before all trace of him mysteriously disappeared…

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260901
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S LATS

    It’s Elevatoramadan, so all the lifts on board Red Dwarf go on a vertical travel fast for a month between synthetic sunrise and synthetic sunset. Without the lifts, the crew are forced to rely on flexible feline Cat shimmying up the inside of the elevator shaft to fetch them things from the upper levels. A month later, Cat’s lateral muscles are in great shape and everyone suddenly remembers they have staircases. Meanwhile, Lister’s allergic to Kryten’s new nipple – how will they maintain the milk supply?

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260897
    Rubber
    Participant

    KRYTEN’S BLYTONS

    Disinfection droid Kryten discovers a passion for the works of Enid Blyton and decides to start running Red Dwarf like a 1940s boarding school for wealthy white girls. Rimmer enjoys the brisk discipline and Cat enjoys the pleated skirts, but will dyed-in-the-wool underclassling Dave Lister ever flourish in this privileged environment? Meanwhile, Todhunter’s regression therapy hints at some unfinished business with his father’s valet, but why can’t he unlock the memory? Guest starring Daniel Mays as Lambert.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260896
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S SLIMMERS

    After completing an A/R Space Corps Acting Senior Officer weekend refresher course, blue-blazered bastard Rimmer returns with a renewed sense of drill sergeant purpose and becomes obsessed with the idea that everyone else on board ship weighs too much, sealing the crew in quarantine and forcing them to undergo extreme diet and exercise programmes until they weigh the same as his ‘ideal weight’ – his light bee! Six months later, Cat and Lister are down to under five stone but are suffering extreme organ failure while mineral man Kryten has been forced to amputate and incinerate every part of his body save a single eyeball. Meanwhile, Holly starts breeding feral Skutters for cockfights. Guest starring Jimmy Carr as A/R Interface With A Smug Voice.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260887
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S FLATS

    Upholstered simpleton Cat is devastated when space moths run riot on the Dwarf, gobbling every last stitch of clothing from his extensive collection. What’s a mog to do with twenty-seven decks of empty clothes rails and no cash to refill them? Why, let the wardrobes out as studio flats, of course! How will the fancy feline take to his new role as a slum landlord? Meanwhile, Kryten and Rimmer find common ground over both being desperately unhappy.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260885
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S HYMMERS

    The Dwarfers stumble across an underdog tribe of straggly devout cat clerics, and Spectral nincompoop Rimmer discovers an as-yet-unexploited talent for coaching this enthusiastic but unpolished mob in the art of choral singing. Will the pussy posse still accept his tuition when they realise all his audio output is basically coming from a tiny speaker in his light bee? Meanwhile, Butler’s back from Broadmoor and he’s got a new friend. Guest starring David Suchet as Nicola Crayola.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260884
    Rubber
    Participant

    KRYTEN’S FRIGHTENS

    Bipedal scrubber Kryten gets really into telling spooky midnight ghost stories but worries that there isn’t an effectively spooky atmosphere on board ship to really do his tales justice, so he removes his head and chases a terrified Kochanski around the unlit storage bay with his groinal chainsaw attachment for twenty-nine nerve-shredding, sanity-obliterating hours. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Holly both need a holiday — but they’re skint! So as a compromise they agree to swap their pixelated anuses for a week.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260882
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S MISTERS

    Human ultimatum Dave Lister devises a series of children’s books based around a collection of brightly coloured monomaniacal geometric shapes with arms and legs, each one focused on a different aspect of his truncated personality. Chaos ensues when a brainwave brings them all to life! Meanwhile, Cat and Rimmer fight over the last labial implant left on the ship.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260881
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLY’S FOLLY

    Holly allows the crew to die and builds a quirky little monument out of them.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260880
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S SISTERS

    Human cul-de-sac Dave Lister discovers Kryten spent six months milking his danglers every night on his mum’s orders so she could produce more children to silence the ticking wombclock in her Scottish loins. Initially violated, Lister comes around to the idea when he discovers she carried girl triplets to full term and left them to be raised by a vending machine on Y-deck two decades ago. The trio are dead ringers for their sharp-tongued mum at 20 and Lister’s not sure he can resist their Kochanskiesque charms, especially given the apparently sexy vending machine qualities they’ve also developed from their adopted parent. Will Lister manage to get his leg over before his slow brain processes the horrifying fact that they’re his sisters (and daughters too, chillingly)? Meanwhile, Rimmer visits a planet where he is the only man made out of light, which he should be used to by now tbh. Guest starring Kelsey Grammer as Vendette.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260877
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S HATS

    Wardrobe enthusiast Cat takes up millinery and starts selling his headly wares on the space internetsy. Nobody buys them because they’re all dead. Meanwhile, Holly decides nobody deserves any oxygen this week.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260876
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S STRIMMERS

    Rimmer’s got a new harem – of lawn-manicuring gardendroid shebots! Unfortunately they’re very unreliable just like the guy himself and they do a runner with all his shoe trees. Meanwhile, Kryten swaps Kochanski’s eye drops with sulphuric acid again. Sizzle! Guest starring Jodie Comer and Michaela Coel as Strimpet and Shears.

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260875
    Rubber
    Participant

    Why was there a shiny suit of medieval armour on Starbug?

    in reply to: Misheard lines #260858
    Rubber
    Participant

    Speaking of VII, Princess Bonjella. So I’m to understand that Bonjella’s a gum ointment right, that’s where the theoretical humor comes from, like just a generic household object brand? Like she might as well have been Princess OxyClean or Princess Febreze?

    Again, American here so some of the specific brand references go over my head (didn’t know what a Topic Bar was for ages). But then…
    Bonjella’s like “Oh please, Ace. Call me Beryl.” And then we get an audience laugh. And granted it wasn’t filmed in front of an audience, but my understanding is the laughter was from an audience being shown the recording instead of pre-canned laughter, but is her name being Beryl significant? Did I even hear that right? Is Beryl just a generic name and that’s the joke, or does Beryl have something to do with Bonjella?

    Basically it’s just a bit of an unglamorous old lady name, like Doreen or Edna.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #260848
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER WHIRLED

    Rimmer casts a rueful eye back over his pre-death ballet career. Meanwhile, Cat has rabies and has to be destroyed.

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260846
    Rubber
    Participant

    I always assumed VIII was entirely Donut Dennis’s psychotropic trial for impersonating a senior officer, set in motion countless millennia ago. The regular cast featured in it but only as figments of his imagination.

    In reality they simply reboarded the nanobuilt Red Dwarf without a reconstructed crew, and Back to Earth picked up from the end of VII. The chameleonic microbe references in The Beginning refer to something that happened in the intervening period. It was a loooooooong gap, after all.

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260837
    Rubber
    Participant

    What was the TV show with the dog puppet in it? It was like a bloodhound, it was a good puppet. Something in my head says he was an anthropomorphised police officer dog and wore a uniform, but I might be getting it mixed up with Space Precinct.

    SpaceVets?

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260833
    Rubber
    Participant

    The effects reminded me of the sort of thing you got on CBBC shows around the same time. Can’t remember if that stuff looked slick when I was 9 but I doubt it.

    With hindsight, my very favourite thing about it is the fact that the Sardinian girl’s devout Christian faith is treated as an irritating but amusing character defect throughout and seems to be a side effect of her not being very bright. I thought they might soften that a bit as it progressed, but they didn’t. Gorgeous.

    Also the bit where someone refers to ‘the taxpayer’ footing the bill for everyone’s degree studies… HAHAHAHAHA, what a snapshot of a simpler time.

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260826
    Rubber
    Participant

    KEY LINES:

    “You try being made an orphan when you were seven years old, then see how you feel about chocolate!”

    “Of course! It does say on your notes that you’re sexually hyperactive!”

    “If you ever do anything like that again, I will hit you so hard you will wake up wishing you’d never been born.”

    “I’m sorry, I still haven’t finished my Christmas project on Titan’s methane levels.”

    “It’s as black as a badger’s bum out here, but if they’ve got the lights on the transit warp, I should—“ BOOM

    “I’ll go mad if I can’t get back down to Space City to have my hair done!”
    “What’s all this interest in your hair if I’m not here to see it?”
    “Oh Jean-Francois, that’s positively twentieth century! Now, what did the next little piggy have for lunch?”

    “We’re drifting without power and you want the only mechanic on the ship to mess with the confectionary dispenser!”
    “You don’t have to make it sound like a pornographic movie.”

    “I couldn’t sleep with those Barbie dolls staring at me.”

    “Stop splitting hairs! Splitting hairs is one of your most annoying habits.”

    “I hope I can count on you to be staunch.”
    “I am staunch, really I am!”

    “Don’t kill the cockatoo, Melody! You’ll be ever so sorry later!”

    “Melody, if you wish you were dead, why are you trying to live longer than anyone else?”
    “…OHHHHHHHHHHH I DON’T KNOW!

    “Dear god Piers, we’re all on 900 calories a day and this child has been stuffing himself on vita-chocs!”

    “Look, I know the air’s thinning and activity should be kept to a minimum, but that is no excuse for desultory habits.”

    “Funny, isn’t it? Four days ago we were all getting ready to die and now we’re worrying about breakfast cereals.”

    “I think the college is more valuable than you realise.”
    “Even the cockatoo’s retarded.”

    “Morning girls!”
    “Hi Captain.”
    “Off dancing?”
    “Yeah.”
    “I’ll be with you in spirit… little sausages.”

    “Some sort of problem?”
    “It is difficult sometimes, although we are all God’s children, on a British spaceship to understand those of us from nations which are sensitive and concerned for their eternal wellbeing rather than just the day-to-day problems of the universe. It is hard sometimes to break down the barriers and join in with those from a nation that for so long has rejected faith, hope and charity.”

    “Pushy females have reached Jupiter system and it’s time to move on a bit.”

    “Don’t go to the Scandinavian Skylab, it’s all saunas and suicides.”

    “Those shoes. There’s something… despicable about Brelan’s shoes. Don’t you agree?”
    “Mmmm, loathesome.”

    “He’s clever in some ways, but horrifyingly retarded in others.”

    “You really are a carping sort of person, Sara. You’ve been carping on about one thing or another for six months, ever since you got here. How on earth do you think you’ll ever get a husband if you carry on carping?”

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260825
    Rubber
    Participant

    Watched all 40 episodes available on YouTube. 39 was missing but I got the basic idea. It’s quite moreish if you have a high tolerance for quite subpar television which, frankly, it sometimes pays to have as a 21st century Red Dwarf fan.

    in reply to: THE NEW RED DWARF FORUM #260212
    Rubber
    Participant

    Fucking hell, where do they do that?

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260200
    Rubber
    Participant

    Laminate sure if there are enough puns left tbh.

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260180
    Rubber
    Participant

    I quite like being pissed on, if anyone’s offering.

    in reply to: Unanswered Questions #260179
    Rubber
    Participant

    All of your unanswered questions can be solved right here in the brand new Red Dwarf forum https://unofficialreddwarfforum.com/

    Thanks, Jimbob! How soon will the UK have access to a free and effective COVID-19 vaccine?

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260157
    Rubber
    Participant

    Four episodes in, I’ve really got into this. To the extent that the opening swells of the theme tune make me feel all excited and happy. I mean it’s cack but it’s crack.

    Saturday morning is a really dangerous time to discover 150 archived episodes of an addictive soap opera, of course.

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260154
    Rubber
    Participant

    ANNA CHANCELLOR JUST TURNED UP AND RAISED THE STANDARD A MILLION PERCENT!

    “What a lot of crosses you’ve got… Oh, that one’s got a little man on it.”

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260153
    Rubber
    Participant

    It’s ok, I’m not convinced he’s genuinely Welsh. The German and French accents are equally alarming.

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260148
    Rubber
    Participant


    This channel has a lot of them, 4 episodes is my personal best before my intelligence circuits melted.

    Thank you so much!

    Watched the first two minutes. Hmmm. I didn’t go all the way to fucking Jupiter to be surrounded by Welsh people.

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260147
    Rubber
    Participant

    Assuming that was the general vibe of the past few, um, mezzaninages.

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260146
    Rubber
    Participant

    Hey, don’t attic the thread.

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260134
    Rubber
    Participant

    I love you guys.

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260124
    Rubber
    Participant

    a short-lived show called Jupiter Moon.

    there are 150 episodes
    Soaps are manufactured in bulk by child slaves.
    It was on from the 26th March 1990 to the 30th November 1990 before it got pulled.

    Could you link to the online episodes you were watching? I can’t find it anywhere and the snatches of scenes I’ve glimpsed have fascinated me.

    in reply to: Jupiter Moon: Crap TV Show #260115
    Rubber
    Participant

    “…mystery illnesses threaten to engulf Ilea – resulting in a daft episode where everyone fails to act whilst wearing silly surgical masks to avoid spreading germs.”

    Imagine!

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260088
    Rubber
    Participant

    The prison tower is one that always throws me. We’re told the Tank is on Floor 13 (on a spaceship with thousands of floors, this doesn’t make sense aside to sound cool – unlucky 13 and all that) yet there’s a skyscraper which appears to be just wing of it somewhere in the ship.

    There is a way of solving this I think.
    We know there are “Levels” on Red Dwarf, but there are also “Decks”. Presumably no more than 26 decks as we know there is a Z deck but nothing after that.
    So I’d suggest the ship is divided into 26 decks, all with multiple Levels/Floors on.
    Given Holly say’s “the brig on floor 13” and Lister replies “there isn’t a floor 13”, you could read that to mean he has literally never heard of this place existing. Not that there isn’t a level 13, or a deck M, but a place on Red Dwarf called “Floor 13”.
    What “Floor 13” could mean is a hidden deck, of multiple floors, in a corner of the ship, with this multi-stacked prison cell spanning down it. It’s probably easier to hide something like that going vertically in a small area of the ship than it is to assume you could hide an entire 5mile long level.
    So we could say “floor 13” is the official name of “the tank” which is space across multiple levels, hidden on a deck somewhere towards the back of the ship where people don’t go very often.
    You only then need to explain away the lift having a floor 13 button … but that could be one very specific lift that goes to that one very specific place.
    It doesn’t actually make sense for all the lifts on the ship to travel to all floors. You’d have lifts that traveled between decks (the X-Press Elevator seen in Stasis Leak) and then on each deck separate lifts that travel between the floors on that deck.

    Love this thinking! Thank you. Could you draw a cross-section of the ship?

    in reply to: Red Dwarf VIII is flawed #260066
    Rubber
    Participant

    Red Dwarf VIII is flawed

    “And today on ‘No Shit’… “

    I think the end of your post is missing!

    Ackerman update: Google ‘Graham McTavish shirtless’ for a nice surprise.

    in reply to: Rambles On: Doctor Who, The Timeless “Half-Human” Child #259992
    Rubber
    Participant

    Chibnall-era Doctor Who is Red Dwarf VIII. When it’s over, we won’t pretend it didn’t happen but we will happily accept a short* pause for breath and then a return to a much more palatable configuration of the show. I’ve no problem with the Doctor presenting as female but for whatever reason** JW isn’t working as hoped. Susan Lynch was in the second JW episode; she would have been great in the role.

    • ideally not a decade though
      ** the showrunner is just shite tbh
    Rubber
    Participant

    Watched some of VII on Sky today for various reasons and the entire ‘Kryten’s paranoid dream’ in Duct Soup was cut. Was there something offensive in it? Apart from it being in Duct Soup, obv.

    in reply to: Unanswered Questions #259982
    Rubber
    Participant

    terrorform is fucked up too

    luck being a virus is stupid as well that doesn’t make sense
    how can a “virus” control the laws of the very universe itself?
    sexual magnetism makes more sense
    since it’s just pheremones and stuff
    What IS “luck”? Just probability? How does a virus control probability? What the fuck?
    stuff like “luck” and “coincidence” really makes the universe feel like… there’s some mystical aura swirling around that controls these things
    what is “luck”? what is “coincidence?” mathematically? how do we quantify these?
    Maybe the luck virus activates the dormant psychic portions of the brain — like the holo-virus! — but in a less directly controlled, weaponised way, so you’re basically discreetly manipulating your surroundings without being consciously aware that you’re doing so or with only the vaguest hint of your desired outcome when you do something. It could definitely account for Lister typing in the correct code… maybe less so stumbling over useful objects in a corridor at just the right moment but HMMMMMMM I don’t hate this explanation overall.

    ACTUALLY, you know what, the objects clearly existed on the ship or at least somewhere in the universe already and he subconsciously summoned them in a fraction of a second before he needed them, just like Harry Potter with the summoning spell, and they arrived with such speed one of them actually smashed him on the ankle so actually YES I have solved this and solved it well.

    in reply to: Unanswered Questions #259981
    Rubber
    Participant

    terrorform is fucked up too

    luck being a virus is stupid as well that doesn’t make sense
    how can a “virus” control the laws of the very universe itself?
    sexual magnetism makes more sense
    since it’s just pheremones and stuff
    What IS “luck”? Just probability? How does a virus control probability? What the fuck?
    stuff like “luck” and “coincidence” really makes the universe feel like… there’s some mystical aura swirling around that controls these things
    what is “luck”? what is “coincidence?” mathematically? how do we quantify these?

    Maybe the luck virus activates the dormant psychic portions of the brain — like the holo-virus! — but in a less directly controlled, weaponised way, so you’re basically discreetly manipulating your surroundings without being consciously aware that you’re doing so or with only the vaguest hint of your desired outcome when you do something. It could definitely account for Lister typing in the correct code… maybe less so stumbling over useful objects in a corridor at just the right moment but HMMMMMMM I don’t hate this explanation overall.

    in reply to: good or near-perfect line readings? #259973
    Rubber
    Participant

    “Then again, possibly not.”

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #259972
    Rubber
    Participant

    BACK IN THE THREAD

    Only realised The Promised Land existed a week or so ago and it prompted me to search out all my old posts in this thread from three years ago and I really was very, very, very funny.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226321
    Rubber
    Participant

    Pstasis Leak

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic stasis leak which wants to suck out their brains.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226320
    Rubber
    Participant

    Pcylinder

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic cylinder which wants to suck out their brains.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226319
    Rubber
    Participant

    Psamsara

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic spaceship with a karma drive which wants to suck out their brains.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226318
    Rubber
    Participant

    Psoreen

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic malt loaf which wants to suck out their brains.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226260
    Rubber
    Participant

    A cat sidekick is drafted in to give Cat something to stay alive for. It’s called Mr Pawter. Kryten hates it and kills it. Cat sings a song and Japan becomes the opposite to the previous configuration, mate!

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226259
    Rubber
    Participant

    Love but also loss

    Lister comes to realise that allowing love into your life can also lead to feelings of loss if the love is withdrawn but on the other hand is that not still better than a hindsight feeling of loss if one never experiences loss? He doesn’t ask his crewmates for advice on this because they know nothing. Ultimately Lister learns to appreciate love, but also loss.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226258
    Rubber
    Participant

    Babies & Protractor

    The Red Dwarf crew are all turned into babies, except for Kochanski who is turned into a protractor. It’s caused by an atomwave. Nobody is allowed to upset the babies.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226257
    Rubber
    Participant

    Dream Factory

    Doug Naylor enviously watches the Red Dwarf fanbase churn out fresh idea after fresh idea while he struggles to write a series without a polymorph or ‘spaceship of the week’ in it.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226252
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Get off my hard-on!’

    Rimmer gets his first proper erection since dying, but the Cat keeps playfully patting at it with his paw, prompting Rimmer to yell ‘GET OFF MY HARD-ON!’ at him. There is a lot of bad feeling among the crew after this outburst.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226153
    Rubber
    Participant

    Emohoare: Johnnymorph II

    The sexiest G&T admin visits the ship disguised as a number of disparate domestic objects with the intention of leeching off the crew’s emotions so as to better understand their motivations and help him write incredibly detailed and penetrating character analyses for the website. Initially hostile to the interloper, the crew are soon won over by his charm and adorableness and are only too happy to assist. Meanwhile, everyone can smell cum.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226152
    Rubber
    Participant

    Tongue Turd

    Kryten finds himself in a socially difficult position when he’s caught with a quantity of Lister’s faeces in his little mechanoid mouth. Meanwhile, Rimmet’s light bee does a little dance to show where the nearest pollen is and he looks like a right prancing tit. Guest starring Neil Morrissey as Voice of Fart.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226151
    Rubber
    Participant

    I dent titty with inn

    Kochanski accidentally walks into the side of a pub and bruises her bosom. Meanwhile, Holly decimalises fascism.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226109
    Rubber
    Participant

    Quaaaarrrrrggggh!

    Holly blacks up and screams at the crew for a week for a bit of a laugh

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226108
    Rubber
    Participant

    Minus Leek

    Wales gets independence from the rest of the UK and the fancy new pound coin has to be redesigned. Meanwhile, Todhunter adjusts to having lost the entire left side of his body after being sliced vertically in half by that door during his latest suicide attempt, and is pleased to find that a single bunk is now as roomy as a double bed.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226101
    Rubber
    Participant

    Can of Symes

    A G&T admin is ejaculated from a female [actually, was its biological gender ever confirmed? I forget] polymorph, piped inside Danny John-Jules and left to gestate for an unspecified period until he pops out of DJJ’s anus or urethra as a hedgehog wearing a top hat sitting inside a tiny wickle shopping trolley. Meanwhile, Kryten anaesthetises Kochanski, amputates her eyelids and times how long it takes until her eyeballs become unbearably dry and she starts screaming in pain.

    in reply to: Idea for an episode. #226098
    Rubber
    Participant

    Krytee TV

    Peripheral character Max Branning gets more lines than series regular ‘The’ Cat.

Viewing 100 posts - 1 through 100 (of 300 total)