For Those Of Us Not Going to DJ…..

Hello! I want to give a warm welcome to everyone who didn’t free up their busy schedules in order to skim over this forum post! You’re all in for an exciting weekend!

The turnout has been absolutely amazing. Let’s see…there’s me…and…erm…me. Well. No problem. I’ll just start off this Q&A session with our first guest of the convention. Right!

We at the ADJ were absolutely thrilled that our first guest was able to make it here this morning. And no small feat, that! All the way from the sixth moon in the GELF sector, we give you GELF #5! Let’s give him a warm welcome!

*clap* *clap*………*clap*

First, let me start out by thanking you for coming this morning on such short notice. Did you have a pleasant journey?

Ech ech ech atungah ech.

Oh…I’m so sorry about that. I’ll have a word with the kennel staff. So, you appeared in the episode, “Emohawk – Polymorph II” I believe. How did you get on with the rest of the cast?

Ech ech ech echehchehchah ah checheh. Ech atachah ech awacha ech achahchah. Achach.

I see. Well, I’m sure most of them have forgotten about that by now. So, the night of filming was rumored to have been very chilly. Apparently, some people had a difficult time just keeping their teeth from chattering. Did you have a similar experience?

Achwachaha ech echaccchhh ah.

Oh, that’s not a very nice thing to say.

Chhachah wachtuchah.

Ah, I see. Well, I’m sure it’s all right then.

Ech achah?

No, I left it in the car.

Ech achachah etachwah hach ech acha.

Of course. Now, getting back to the night of the shoot, did your experience garner any tales we haven’t yet heard?

Ech ach achechah. Hachech ech ach chhawang gunga ech achah. Achachah ech hanguwa ech ach ech hacha. Angwacha ech hach ech hawa ehwacha hach ungacha. Ech ech ech hach ah wah ngah ha gahntucha. Achah wangata hech ach ganchah! Awa hachwa ech ach ha gah hach. Echechechechech hachah wangutangah. Awacha hachah wach!

HA HA HA HA!!! That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! What a brilliant story! Thank you for sharing that amazing anecdote with us! I’m sure we’ll all be talking about it for years to come!

Achah ha wachacha?

I think he’s working at a shoe store.

Wachach.

Probably. Now, a few more pressing questions before we wrap this up. First, what is the most important thing in comedy?

Ach ech hachech wachenguwachah ech hachah wantungah. Wahachah ungatta hach wah ech hawach ehch ach ach ach ach hech hachech.

That’s so wise. Beautifully said.

Ech ahach.

Finally, when will the movie be coming out?

Ech ech atah wanguchah.

I see. Well, thank you for your time. this has been a most enlightening start to what is promising to be a fantastic ADJ. On behalf of myself and myself, I give you our sincerest gratitude. Please feel free to stay for the buffet.

Echahac awach ech hach.

That’s very kind, but I tried that once at University and I couldn’t get it out again.

So, from all of…erm…me here at ADJ, thank you for skipping over all this to the end bit and I’ll see you with our next guest! Don’t forget to get an autograph!

I hope all of you had a relaxing lunch and are ready for this afternoon’s guest speaker. He’s currently working on a project in Australia, “The Monster Who Ate Your Face And Didn’t Say Thank You.” Let’s all welcome the Curry Monster! We’re so pleased he could take time out of his busy schedule to be here with us today.

Thank you for joining us today at ADJ.

I’m quite pleased to be here.

I have to tell you, I’m a huge fan of your work.

That’s so kind of you to say. I love meeting the fans, because, you know, it’s really the fans who make my work possible.

How sweet. Tell us a little about how you came to work on Red Dwarf.

Well, you know, I was classically trained at Julliard. I had a great interest in Shakespeare and Moliere and I was certain that my career would take me in that direction. I was a resident at the Royal Shakespeare Company in the early 90’s and was offered a professorship position. However, I was young and adventurous. I didn’t want to get tied down to a job for the rest of my life, so I left and traveled to London where I met a young Rob Grant at a party hosted by Sir Nigel Hawthorne. After a few glasses of Lambrini dry we got to chatting about this new project of his. I was fascinated. I had my agent ring him up the next day to set up an audition.

What was the experience like?

Well, it was quite a long day. Looking back on it now, I don’t know how I did it all. We had to do this one scene where a can of lager explodes in my face, and the FX department went a bit overboard with the powder. There was a frightening moment where it seemed as if my head was actually blown off. Luckily, I’m able to self-replicate so I was right as rain within a few hours.

Did you enjoy working with the cast and crew?

Oh, everyone was just delightful. I didn’t have much screen time with the cast, but they were a lovely bunch. After we wrapped we all went out to the pub and had a smashing time. Craig Charles was a bit of a wild one that night. We somehow ended up in Swindon and couldn’t get a cab.

What kind of effect has working on Red dwarf had on your career?

Oh, it’s a double-edged sword, really. I thoroughly enjoyed working on the program, but it’s been difficult for casting agents to look past that one performance. Getting beyond the type-casting has been a major sticking point in my career. I just want to say, “Look, I can do more than the scary monster bit,” but that role was such a defining moment to my career that it’s hard for anyone to imagine me as anyhting other than an insane homicidal killing machine. It’s been a challenge. Still, I’m lucky that I had a career, and being type-cast in a career is better than not having a career at all.

What a lovely attitude. Lastly, when is the movie coming out?

Oh, I’m not privy to that information. I hope there’s a role for me, though.

Thank you for taking the time to join us today. All the best in your future projects.

Very kind. Can I just mention that I’m available for speaking engagements and corporate functions?

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Well, we seem to have lost our two conventioneers. I have a feeling they were merely stopping by on their way to that “other” convention. With all the so-called “important” cast and crew. With all their so-called friends. With all that so-called booze.

It’s all right. Really. They can sod off and have their fun. They’ll just have to miss out on our NEXT EXCITING GUEST SPEAKER!

Lady and lady, please give a big hand (because he doesn’t have one. har har har!) for the one…the only…SPARE HEAD 3!!!!!

This really is a treat. I can’t thank you enough for being here.

Bugger off, ye twonk.

Heh heh. Such a joker. Now, there are so many questions I want to ask. I’m sure you have many interesting stories and anecdotes to share with us this evening.

I said piss off ye git! Get me the bleedin? hell out a? here or I’ll bite yer ratty legs off!

Now, The dichotomy between the spare heads has been likened to an allegory for the socio-political climate at the time, each head representing a faction of the World Power leaders in office during the making of the show. Was this a conscious decision or did all of that arise merely by coincidence?

What buggary shite is this then, ye naff slag? Shut yer gob and sod off! Ooo aye…?ang on. Yer not a ‘alf-bad bit a? posh scrubber. Come on. Give us a snog.

In further study of the relationship between the diverse and unique minutiae of the individual spare heads, one can almost postulate a venture into Jungian archetypes, if you will. The Self, The Shadow, The Anima, The Animus…. Or perhaps an exemplification of the Freudian schema – the Id, the Ego, and the Superego conflicting with one another throughout Space and Time.

I?ll bet yer a mint slapper, you are. ?ere, let?s go find me tummy banana and we can play poke the prozzy.

It?s fascinating, don?t you think, how one can glean so much from mere moments on screen. The plethora of passion; the gamut of emotional depth and profundity will go unmatched in my lifetime, and possibly for lifetimes to come.

Oops. I?ve just done a right big bab in me chair. I?m off to spend a penny.

Before you leave, can I ask you when the movie is coming out?

….

Hello?

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Phew! What a weekend we?ve had so far! So many amazing guests and still more to come!

There’s been a slight mix-up, however. Due to an error we have two guests here at the same time. Chalk it up to First Convention Cock-Ups. I didn?t think we?d get through our first ADJ without one of those! We?ve asked if they both wouldn?t mind sitting onstage together to answer a few questions, and they?ve been gracious enough to oblige. I think. I mean, I think my assistant asked them. Wait, do I have an assistant?

Never mind. Here they are now and we?re so glad to have them! Taking the stage is Cat?s Cute Little Black Number With Gold Spangles and the Third Skutter!

Thank you both for being here this morning.

What the hell is this?!

Oh, no. I did it again, didn?t I? I got the date wrong. I always do this.

No way in hell am I sitting on the same stage as that thing. It?s grey! Grey clashes with my gold spangles!

Now, now, Cat’s Cute Little Black Number With Gold Spangles. I know how difficult this must be for you, but we must press on.

Lucky for you I?m here for the ladies. Ok, ladies! Line up!

Well, erm?actually, it?s just me here at the moment.

What??! You mean I had a dry cleaning for nothing?!

Oh, I think you look very nice. And the upside is that no one is here to see you clash with the Third Skutter.

Well, you do have a point. I do look nice.

It?s happening again. No one is paying attention to me.

But if anyone comes in you?d better haul that popcorn machine out of here and hide him in a closet.

Story of my life.

Well, I?m sure it won?t come to that. So, thank you both for c-

Where?s the booze? If I?m here, there?d better be a party. What am I saying? I AM the party!

Never mind me, I?ll just go sit under this chair.

You do that, tin can-breath. I need more room for my glow.

There?s no need for that, I?m sure we can all s-

I don?t know why you bothered asking me to come. I always mess things up.

Oh, now, don?t say th-

I mean, who wants to hear what I have to say anyway? It?s just like it always was. I come into the room and everyone leaves. That?s probably why no one came in the first place. They all knew I would be here.

Well, there IS anoth-

Did you know that they never let me do a scene in the show? Oh, sure I had a contract so they couldn?t fire me, but they never actually used me for anything. There I was, first one on the set every morning, hoping that for one brief moment my life would have meaning, and every evening I went home to an empty room knowing that I was useless and unwanted. Story of my life.

Is that thing still here?

They wouldn?t even let me come to the wrap parties. For the first few years I thought they were just very bad at giving directions, but you can only deny the truth for so long.

I?m going for a pizza.

And then there was that sixth season incident. One of the skutters wasn?t available for the show, so I saw it as my big chance. Finally, I thought, they?re going to have to use me. And what did they do? They made sure I couldn?t be in it by getting rid of the ship. The entire ship! I ask you, is that any way to treat someone who?s dedicated his total existence to something?

Well, that does seem a bit e-

It never changes. I should just dig a hole and bury myself under a rock.

Great idea! Let me get the door for you.

See what I mean? I?ve only been here a few minutes and already he?s at me again. He never stopped, that one. He used to put superglue in my WD-40 and leave me on the roof.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. That was a good one!

And when it rained I would sit there and think, Story of my life.

Um?well?I think our time is u-

I mean, I ask you. What?s the point of giving 10 years of your life to something if you never get so much as a thank you?

Yes, well, we must be pressing o-

I never even got a Birthday card or New Year?s cracker. I was never invited to the pub. When everyone was filming in Manchester they made me get there on my own. Said there was no more room in the van. They wouldn?t even hire me a car. I had to trudge down the A6 all on my own. Of course, no one picked me up. Story of my life.

Pardon me, Cat?s Cute Little Black Number With Gold Spangles? You wouldn?t happen to have a tube of superglue, would you?

If I?d have known I would have brought a bucket of it.

Even when I was growing up people were always ignoring me. At school they used to-

OH DEAR! IS THAT THE TIME! Must keep the event going! We wouldn?t want anyone else to get behind!

Oh, so that?s what you think, is it? That I?d make the others get behind? I don?t know why, it?s not like anyone?s even listening to me.

Ok, well. I?ll probably regret this, but let me ask you both a question. When is the movie coming out? Cat?s Cute Little Black Number With Gold Spangles?

I don?t know, but I?m sure I?ll be dazzling in it.

Erm?Third Skutter?

Wait?there?s a movie?

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We have a special treat for your tea this afternoon. Mr. Ephringham Nordington-Shrapshireshon lives in a house right next to the base which served as the location shoot for Jane Austin World in ?Beyond a Joke.? ADJ is bringing you an EXCLUSIVE interview from someone who was actually living nearby! How thrilling!

Fantastic of you to join us this afternoon.

What?

I said, thank you for joining us. Apparently, you were present during that infamous explosion. What do you remember most about that day?

What?

I said, what do you remember most about that day!

What?

That day! That day!

You say your cat?s gay?

No no no! That day! The explosion! When it went boom!

You want me to go back to your room?

No no!

I?m sorry, I?m married.

No! The boom! BOOM! And everything exploded! The explosion on the base!

What?

THE EXPLOSION ON THE BASE!!

Use your mace? YOU?RE the one who?s trying to hit on me!

Look. Let?s start again.

What?

START AGAIN!

Doesn?t look cloudy to me.

Right. That?s all the time I have for this.

I think he went to that other convention.

Yes. Thank you.

What?

THANK YOU!

Well feck you, too! Really. The manners of some people.

.

Well, things are back to as normal as possible and we?re ready to soldier on. To be quite frank, the turnout hasn?t been as great as I?d hoped and I?ve lost quite a lot of blood due to our last guest speaker, but we?re going to be British about this and keep things rolling.

Next on the roster is undoubtedly a fan favorite. Starbug just wouldn?t have been complete without our next guest. Help me welcome to the stage a fantastic performer as well as an all-around nice guy. Kryten?s Red Fiddly Button!

What an honor this is. I was really looking forward to meeting you tonight.

The pleasure is all mine. I?m delighted to be here.

The cast has often spoken fondly of you. It seems they had a lot of admiration and respect for you and your contribution to the series.

That?s very kind, but I was simply working on something I loved and believed in. I enjoyed every moment of my time there. I wouldn?t have traded it for the world.

Even though there were some rough times?

Even the rough times taught me valuable lessons. But I take it you are referring to a particular incident, aren?t you?

If you don?t mind.

I don?t know how much I can say on it, really, because I?m not entirely sure what happened myself. I grew up with Blue Flippy Switch and I think we worked extremely well together. When the shot to be on Red Dwarf came up there was no question that we?d be working on it together.

You did make a fantastic team.

Yes, you?re right. Not many people can work as closely as we did for as long as we did. It was an incredible experience, working with Blue. You could feel the energy in the room when we worked together. We both had our own share of talent, of course, but something extraordinary happened when you got the two of us together. I?m sure some scientist out there would be able to explain why, but I just enjoyed it. Didn?t ask too many questions.

When you realize that things were breaking down between the two of you?

Well, I never realized it until it was too late. I had just been asked back to the show after touring alone in the ill-fated ?Spaceballs: The Musical? so I called Blue to invite him out for a celebratory drink. I was stunned when he told me that he had decided not to return. It just came out of nowhere. He never really told me why. We?ve spoken a few times over the years, but it?s never been the same, really.

How did you cope with the loss of your life-long partner?

It was more difficult than I thought, quite honestly. I was used to working together as a team and then suddenly I was out there on my own. The cast was amazing about all of it; very supportive. I try not to think that my performances suffered after Blue left, but I do know that the console felt very lonely without him.

Do you think you?ll ever work with him again?

I hope so. We had something exceptional and it?s a shame to just throw it all away for good. My fondest memories are of working by his side. When we were just starting out trying to carve a niche in the business, we worked long hours for little pay, but those were the best times of my life. Maybe that?s what went wrong?after the show became a huge success we lost the edginess of desperation. It was mad, all that anxiety. But thrilling. Exhilarating. There is nothing as stimulating as being on the verge.

Yes, I think that?s true.

Whatever the problem was, I hope we can resolve it one day. Life is too short to hold a grudge.

Thank you for coming in. It?s been a delight.

My pleasure. I?m sorry I couldn?t shed more light on what happened, but talking about it has brought back a lot of fond memories.

Perhaps you could shed some light on another subject. When is the movie coming out?

I honestly couldn?t tell you but I think it?s a bloody good idea. If it ever does come to pass I hope Blue will be there. It would be wonderful to work with him again.

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Hello?

Anyone here?

…

I said, is anyone here?

…

I got your telegram while I was meditating on the top of Mount Fuji and I got here as fast as I could.

Hello?

…

Well, it would be a shame to waste this speech I?ve prepared. If it?s all the same to everyone I?ll climb on up and read it. I?m never one to stand on ceremony anyway.

Thank you for inviting me to your little gathering. I can?t tell you how honored I am to set my boots on the same stage as my fellow companions. You?ll never find a more decent set of lads. Square shooters, the lot of them.

When I left all those years ago, I thought I was going out to look for the answers. It was a privilege to work alongside that crew of misfits and mavericks, but I wondered if there wasn?t more to this thing we call Life. I traveled from the steamy jungles of the Congo to the icy peaks of the Himalayas looking for the key to it all. I helped build villages in Africa and stopped the polar ice caps from melting. I even patched that pesky gap in the ozone. Still, I wasn?t fulfilled. Sure, it was great to see all those smiles on the children’s faces, but after the job was done and it was time to pack it in and move on I was back where I started. Alone.

Coming home has put everything into perspective for me. It?s true we had a few rough turns, I?m not denying that. We struggled and argued and often didn?t like each other all that much. Even so, we had some good times…some very good times. We created something extraordinary together, and we were proud of that. Despite the bickering and the strife and the occasional power struggles, we admired and respected everyone else and their part in it.

I’ve learned a lot in my short stay here on this planet, but there’s one lesson I value above all the others. Don’t turn your back on something on account of a few discouraging times. We won?t last long if we start basing our lives on the rough patches. There are plenty of those waiting around the corner for us no matter where we go. When you work side by side in the trenches for as long as we did…well, bonds like that don?t happen overnight. It would be a tragedy to throw them away.

I don?t know what the future holds for all of us, but I can promise that it won?t always be pleasant. There will always be a challenge for us, regardless of the choices we make. But at the end of the day there?s only one thing that counts…

Friendship. Honor it. Respect it. Don’t surrender it.

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