Red Dwarf: The Complete Guide To Almost Everything Features Posted by Ian Symes on 15th August 2015, 14:00 Last updated: 8th April 2018 Do you remember a time, a few years either side of the turn of the century, when the internet was mostly comprised of auto-playing midi files and non-HD porn? Back then, if you searched Yahoo, or Alta Vista, or Lycos, you could find tonnes of Geocities-hosted web pages for each and every one of your favourite TV shows, which invariably featured the same handful of low-res jpegs, lists of quotes, episode guides and those ubiquitous auto-playing midi files. Then blogging came along, and we all realised that we could just write about our opinions on our favourite shows, rather than trying to provide a comprehensive mine of information, given that new-fangled things like Google and Wikipedia could do that much better. Index Series 1 Series 2 Series III Series IV Series V Series VI Series VII Series VIII Back To Earth Series X Series XI Series XII Lost Episodes TV Specials Video/DVD Specials Other Appearances Red Dwarf USA The Radio Show Mobisodes DVD Extras So things like episode guides disappeared from fansites. Not entirely, but they were no longer an essential component. It was only recently that we realised that G&T had nothing even resembling such a guide – not even a list of episodes anywhere. When we started, in 2002, we launched an ambitious project of producing detailed “capsules” for every episode, but, well, you can see how that went. We got to thinking that it might be fun to try and write an episode guide now, and see where it ended up. As it turns out, it kind of got out of hand… What you are about to read – or, more likely, skim through – is a complete walkthrough of everything that’s ever been made under the banner of “Red Dwarf“, covering episodes, other TV appearances, home video releases, radio, and ever so slightly more. By no means an official guide, we’ll be providing both brief and detailed synopses in our own inimitable and slightly irritating style, as well as providing links to related G&T content, and all manner of interesting/pedantic titbits. We won’t be touching too much on the behind-the-scenes aspect, and we’re not too bothered about what’s considered canon – if it’s Red Dwarf, and if you can watch it or listen to it, it’s here. Strap in, then, as we start with the seventy-three televised episodes of Red Dwarf. Believe us, that’s just the beginning. Series 1 STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Norman Lovett (Holly) WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor PRODUCER/DIRECTOR: Ed Bye EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Paul Jackson CHANNEL: BBC 2 PRODUCTION COMPANY: BBC North West 1. The End First Broadcast: Monday 15th February 1988 IN BRIEF: Lister is imprisoned, then Rimmer kills everyone. SYNOPSIS: We meet Dave Lister and Arnold Rimmer, bunkmates and work colleagues on board the mining ship Red Dwarf – a place where dead crew members are resurrected as holograms, a super-intelligent computer called Holly runs the ship, and the chicken soup nozzles are often clogged. While Rimmer flunks his engineering exam, Lister is discovered to have smuggled an unquarantined cat on board. Lister refuses to hand the cat over, and is sentenced to eighteen months in suspended animation. He wakes up three million years later, to discover that the entire crew has been wiped out by a radiation leak. But he is not alone – an increasingly peculiar Holly has brought back Rimmer as a hologram, and the pair discover a humanoid life form that has evolved from Lister’s pet cat. Remaining unrealistically blase about the situation, Lister vows to return to Earth. GUEST CAST: Robert Bathurst (Todhunter), Paul Bradley (Chen), David Gillespie (Selby), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Robert McCulley (McIntyre), Mark Williams (Peterson), C P Grogan (Kochanski) PEARL POLL RANKING: 24th of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary (The Original Assembly edition), Re-Mastered analysis 2. Future Echoes First Broadcast: Monday 22nd February 1988 IN BRIEF: Lister is delighted when he hears his son will die. SYNOPSIS: Having constantly accelerated for three million years, Red Dwarf breaks the light barrier. Consequently, Holly shits himself, and Lister begins to see things before they happen. First, a mirror foresees that Lister is about to cut himself shaving, then has the same conversation with Rimmer twice, before seeing the Cat wailing about having lost a tooth. These are “future echoes”, a by-product of faster-than-light travel. Then Rimmer sees Lister die in a drive room explosion. Lister deduces that if he can prevent the Cat from breaking his tooth, then he can prevent himself from dying. He attempts to stop the Cat from eating a robot goldfish, but breaks the Cat’s tooth in the process. When the time comes for Lister to face his doom, he is surprised to find that he doesn’t die. Instead, a vision of himself aged 178 appears, to inform the crew that it was in fact Lister’s son Bexley who died, and direct them to the site of the final future echo – a near-future version of Lister holding baby twins. GUEST CAST: John Lenahan (Toaster), Tony Hawks (Dispensing Machine) PEARL POLL RANKING: 11th of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis 3. Balance of Power First Broadcast: Monday 29th February 1988 IN BRIEF: Lister takes some drugs and bakes a cake. SYNOPSIS: Fed up with Rimmer’s work regime and cigarette rationing, Lister gets a bit depressed and reminisces about the time his friends made up a song about shagging Kochanski. He resolves to somehow win her back, but can’t unless he outranks Rimmer, who meanwhile is struggling to regain control of the cigarettes from the Cat, and having to contend with being punched in the bollocks by Petersen’s arm. Lister enrols to take the chef’s exam, aided by Rimmer’s old stash of learning drugs. In a last ditch attempt to prevent Lister’s promotion, Rimmer puts himself inside Kochanski’s body, and baffles Lister with some hilariously bad acting. His plan foiled, Rimmer consoles himself by groping Kochanski’s left tit without her consent, and Lister pretends to have passed the exam, whereas really (spoilers) he failed it. GUEST CAST: Rupert Bates (Trout a la Creme and Chef), Paul Bradley (Chen), David Gillespie (Selby), Mark Williams (Peterson), C P Grogan (Kochanski) PEARL POLL RANKING: 41st of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 4. Waiting For God First Broadcast: Monday 7th March 1988 IN BRIEF: Lister kills an old man. SYNOPSIS: Holly picks up an unidentified object, and when Rimmer learns that it’s a pod, he assumes that it’s of alien origin. Meanwhile, Lister learns that the Cat people worship him as a god, believing that Cloister the Stupid shall lead them to the promised land of Fuchal, where they will open up a hot dog and doughnut diner. Holy wars were fought over whether the hats worn in the diner should be red or blue. The Cat People left the ship in two arks – the blue ark crashed into an asteroid, but the red ark could still be out there somewhere. Lister stumbles upon an old Cat temple, home to a blind old priest who’s lost his faith. When Lister/Cloister assures him that there’s a place for him in Fuchal, he promptly dies of joy. Unperturbed, Lister revels in Rimmer’s misery as the alien pod turns out to be a Red Dwarf Garbage Pod after all. GUEST CAST: Noel Coleman (Cat Priest), John Lenahan (Toaster) PEARL POLL RANKING: 48th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 5. Confidence and Paranoia First Broadcast: Monday 14th March 1988 IN BRIEF: A delusional Lister is tortured by figments of his imagination. SYNOPSIS: After snooping around a dead woman’s sleeping quarters, Lister contracts a mutated form of pneumonia. His fevered dreams of fish rain and exploding mayors come to life, in the form of solid hallucinations. Two of them stick around: a personification of Lister’s confidence, and one of his paranoia. Rimmer promptly tries to kill one of them, but Lister is so buoyed by Confidence’s company that he refuses to seek treatment for his illness. Furthermore, he hatches a plan to retrieve Kochanski’s hidden personality disc and bring her back as a second hologram. During their expedition to the solar panels outside the sleeping quarters, Confidence confesses that he fed Paranoia in to the waste compactor, then tries to persuade Lister to take his helmet off. In order to demonstrate the safety of such a move, Confidence removes his helmet and promptly explodes. This makes Lister all better, but when he activates Kochanski’s disc, it turns out that it was in fact a duplicate of Rimmer’s. GUEST CAST: Lee Cornes (Paranoia), Craig Ferguson (Confidence) PEARL POLL RANKING: 37th of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 6. Me² First Broadcast: Monday 21st March 1988 IN BRIEF: Rimmer realises that he’s a prick. SYNOPSIS: Rimmer moves in with his new bunkmate, Rimmer 2. They have a lovely time exercising, revising and setting unfeasibly early alarms. Lister’s also enjoying his new found freedom. He finds a tape recording of Rimmer’s death, and is baffled by his last words: “Gazpacho Soup”. His curiosity is further piqued when he steals Rimmer’s diary and notes that November 25th is marked as “Gazpacho Soup Day”. Later, he overhears the two Rimmers having a blazing row, during which the duplicate calls the original “Mr Gazpacho”. Rimmer skulks back to Lister’s room, and it soon becomes clear that the two Rimmers can’t live together. After a childish incident in a cinema, Lister decrees that one of them must die. The original is randomly selected. Lister gets him pissed and forces him to reveal all about the gazpacho soup – it turns out Rimmer is haunted by an incident whereby he attempted to return the notoriously cold soup for not being hot enough. Having successfully broken Rimmer’s spirit, Lister reveals that actually he’d already murdered the duplicate. Lolz. GUEST CAST: Mac McDonald (Captain) PEARL POLL RANKING: 18th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary Series 2 STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Norman Lovett (Holly) WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor PRODUCER/DIRECTOR: Ed Bye EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Paul Jackson CHANNEL: BBC 2 PRODUCTION COMPANY: Paul Jackson Productions 1. Kryten First Broadcast: Tuesday 6th September 1988 IN BRIEF: The crew attempt to seduce three corpses, and Rimmer exploits a mentally ill slave. SYNOPSIS: Holly picks up a distress call from a crashed ship, the Nova 5. An eponymous mechanoid informs the crew that three female officers have survived, so our boys prepare to go over and rescue/shag them. It turns out that the three women have been dead for centuries, it’s just that Kryten hadn’t noticed. Devastated by the loss, and in the midst of a philosophical crisis, Kryten is rescued and rehomed on Red Dwarf. Lister tries to convince him that he needn’t live like a servant, but Rimmer happily gives him an extraordinarily long list of chores to perform. Having redecorated the sleeping quarters and washed Lister’s boxers, Kryten sets about painting a portrait of Rimmer. It’s at this point that he finally rebels, painting Rimmer on the bog, pouring tomato soup over his bunk and taking Lister’s space bike on a joyride through the cosmos. GUEST CAST: David Ross (Kryten), Johanna Hargreaves (The Esperanto Woman), Tony Slattery (Android Actor) PEARL POLL RANKING: 20th of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 2. Better Than Life First Broadcast: Tuesday 13th September 1988 IN BRIEF: Rimmer’s dad dies, so he goes and ruins everyone’s fun. SYNOPSIS: The post pod arrives, bringing with it triangular videos, total immersion video games, and the news that Rimmer’s dad has died. Rimmer reflects on his relationship with his father, revealing to Lister that he hated his parents, and divorced them when he was fourteen. Deep in depression, Rimmer watches a news report on the game Better Than Life, which identifies all of the player’s fantasies and makes them come true. The crew all enter the game, finding themselves on a beach in paradise. Before long, Lister is riding motorbikes and drinking champagne from a pint glass, Rimmer becomes an Admiral and shags Yvonne McGruder, and Cat is two-timing Marilyn Monroe and a mermaid. However, Rimmer’s diseased brain rebels against the game, and starts destroying the fantasies. Rimmer is pursued by the taxman, buried in sand and smeared with jam. Luckily, before they’re eaten alive by killer ants, the gang escape from the game. Or do they? No. Rimmer has his thumbs broken. Game Over. Or is it? Yes. GUEST CAST: John Abineri (Rimmer’s Dad), Debbie Ash (Marilyn Monroe), Jeremy Austin (Rathbone), Nigel Carrivick (The Captain), Tony Hawks (The Guide), Judy Hawkins (McGruder), Tina Jenkins (The Newsreader), Ron Pember (The Taxman), Gordon Salkilld (Gordon). PEARL POLL RANKING: 16th of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Comparison to Hancock’s Half Hour: The Tycoon 3. Thanks for the Memory First Broadcast: Tuesday 20th September 1988 IN BRIEF: Lister destroys Rimmer’s life and then wipes everyone’s memory. SYNOPSIS: It’s Rimmer’s first deathday, and the crew celebrate by getting royally pissed. Rimmer eats a triple fried egg chilli chutney sandwich, then drunkenly confesses that he’s only ever had sex once. The next morning, Lister and Cat both wake up with broken legs. Furthermore, someone’s finished Lister’s jigsaw, and four pages are missing from his diary. The black box is also missing, so they trace it to a nearby moon, where it’s buried in a shallow grave marked “To the memory of the memory of Lise Yates”. It transpires that Lister gifted Rimmer the memory of his love affair with the aforementioned Lise, and with the belief that he was once truly loved, Rimmer is transformed. However, when Rimmer discovers that Lister also dated Lise, the truth comes out. Rimmer is heartbroken, so they elect to erase everyone’s memories and bury the black box on a moon. Lister and the Cat break their legs in process. GUEST CAST: Sabra Williams (Lise Yates) PEARL POLL RANKING: 7th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis 4. Stasis Leak First Broadcast: Tuesday 27th September 1988 IN BRIEF: Three million years ago, Rimmer suffers a drug-induced nervous breakdown. SYNOPSIS: Before the accident, when everything was black and white, Lister drugs Rimmer’s breakfast, and the latter sees his own floating head appear through the table. In the present day, Lister finds a photograph of himself marrying Kochanski, and discovers via Rimmer’s diary that there’s a stasis leak on floor 16 – a magic door to the past. Lister hatches a plan to persuade Kochanski to enter stasis, whilst Rimmer hatches a plan to persuade himself to enter stasis. Past Rimmer dismisses Present Rimmer as a hallucination, and Lister tracks Kochanski down to the honeymoon suite at the Ganymede Holiday Inn, where he discovers that she’s already married, to a future version of Lister. Three Listers, two additional Rimmers, the Cat and Kochanski descend on an ailing Past Rimmer, and he loses his shit. GUEST CAST: Morwenna Banks (The Lift Hostess), Sophie Doherty (Kochanski’s Room Mate), C P Grogan (Kochanski), Richard Hainsworth (The Medical Orderly), Tony Hawks (The Suitcase), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Mark Williams (Petersen) PEARL POLL RANKING: 19th of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 5. Queeg First Broadcast: Tuesday 4th October 1988 IN BRIEF: Holly endangers Lister’s life, so he fakes his own death to prove a point. SYNOPSIS: Red Dwarf is hit by a meteorite, and Lister is electrocuted while repairing damage to the hologram projection suite. Holly is blamed for the accident, and due to his gross negligence is replaced by Red Dwarf’s backup computer, Queeg 500. All is well under Queeg’s regime, until he forces Rimmer to exercise against his will, and refuses to feed Lister and the Cat unless they are put to work. Holly meanwhile has been demoted to nightwatchman, but plans to win his job back by challenging Queeg to a game of his choice. The winner will gain control of the ship, and the loser will be erased. Queeg chooses chess, and promptly trounces Holly. He says his goodbyes and is promptly erased. Or is he? No. It was all a practical joke. GUEST CAST: Charles Augins (Queeg) PEARL POLL RANKING: 5th of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 6. Parallel Universe First Broadcast: Tuesday 11th October 1988 IN BRIEF: Lister has a really elaborate wank. SYNOPSIS: First of all, the Cat has a dream where he sings a quite rubbish song. Then, Holly announces that he has invented the Holly Hop Drive, a device which can transport the ship to any point in space. They try it. It doesn’t work. But it does nudge them into a parallel universe in which genders are reversed, where they meet their alternate selves. Dave and Deb get pissed together. Arlene attempts to rape Arnie. Holly and Hilly snog instead of fixing the Hop Drive. And The Cat’s female equivalent turns out to be a dog. After a drunken night, Dave and Debs wake up together, having had rampant unprotected sex. Dave is horrified to discover that in this universe, it’s men who get pregnant. The crew hop back home, and Lister takes the test. Rimmer’s going to be an uncle. GUEST CAST: Suzanne Bertish (Ms Rimmer), Angela Bruce (Ms Lister), Matthew Devitt (The Dog), Hattie Hayridge (Hilly) PEARL POLL RANKING: 36th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all. Series III STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Hattie Hayridge (Holly), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor DIRECTOR: Ed Bye PRODUCERS: Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Paul Jackson CHANNEL: BBC 2 PRODUCTION COMPANY: Paul Jackson Productions 1. Backwards First Broadcast: Tuesday 14th November 1989 IN BRIEF: Kryten and Rimmer are sacked because of a fight that Lister starts. SYNOPSIS: The newly-rescued Kryten’s piloting test takes a turn for the worse when the newly-discovered Starbug is pulled through a Time Hole. Rimmer, Kryten and the newly-female Holly are trapped on a version of Earth were time runs backwards. A newly-not-pregnant Lister and the Cat follow behind. Then, from the point of view of the backwards universe: the four of them all arrive at once, the Cat does a shit, they pay for a taxi, ride the taxi to a pub and have a huge fight. Lister then starts the fight, while Rimmer and Kryten argue about having being sacked. They are then sacked. They then perform the show that they’ve just been sacked from, and later apply for the job in the first place. GUEST CAST: Maria Friedman (Waitress), Tony Hawks (Compere), Anna Palmer (Customer in Cafe), Arthur Smith (Pub Manager) PEARL POLL RANKING: 17th of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, DwarfCast Commentary (Forwards edition) 2. Marooned First Broadcast: Tuesday 21st November 1989 IN BRIEF: Lister burns all of Rimmer’s shit. SYNOPSIS: Red Dwarf is dangerously close to a whopping five black holes, and the ship must be evacuated while Holly navigates her way around. Kryten and the Cat go off in Blue Midget, while Lister and Rimmer take Starbug, which promptly crashes. The pair are stuck in a frozen wasteland, with limited food and fuel supplies. To take Lister’s mind off the situation, they discuss such topics as the contents of Rimmer’s special trunk, his past incarnation as Alexander The Great’s chief eunuch, and how Lister became sexually active as a child. Meanwhile, the fire that’s keeping Lister alive needs fuel, and having already burned £$24,000 dollar pounds and the complete works of Shakespeare, it’s either the trunk or Lister’s guitar to burn next. Lister makes the sacrifice, but while Rimmer’s back is turned, he cuts a guitar-shaped hole out of the trunk, and burns that instead. Rimmer doesn’t discover the truth until Cat and Kryten rescue them, at which point he elects to cut Lister’s balls off with a hacksaw. GUEST CAST: None. PEARL POLL RANKING: 2nd of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Dave’s Re-Mastered confusion 3. Polymorph First Broadcast: Tuesday 28th November 1989 IN BRIEF: Lister shags Rimmer’s mum. SYNOPSIS: A shape-shifting creature that feeds on emotions is loose on board the ship. After Kryten forcibly removes Lister’s pants, the Polymorph takes Lister’s fear. The others sedate him and hunt the creature down, but in the process Cat loses his vanity and Kryten his guilt. They return to the medical bay, where they discover that Lister has just fucked Rimmer’s mum. Rimmer is understandably annoyed, and the Polymorph takes his anger. So Lister is a homicidal maniac, the Cat becomes a wretched bum, Kryten attempts to sacrifice the others and Rimmer turns into a hippy peacenik. Fortunately, some bullets that they’d forgotten they fired earlier destroy the Polymorph, and everyone instantly returns to normal. There is a second Polymorph, but nobody mentions that again. GUEST CAST: Frances Barber (Genny), Simon Gaffney (Young Rimmer), Kalli Greenwood (Mrs Rimmer), PEARL POLL RANKING: 9th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 4. Bodyswap First Broadcast: Tuesday 5th December 1989 IN BRIEF: Rimmer is shocked at the size of Lister’s penis. SYNOPSIS: A skutter has gone mental and completely rewired the ship. Lister accidentally triggers the auto-destruct sequence by ordering a milkshake and a crispy bar. Only the captain or a senior officer can over-ride the sequence, so Kryten attempts to transplant an officer’s brain into Lister’s body. It works, but they fail to stop the bomb going off. Luckily, Holly got rid of the bomb ages ago. Anyway, this gives Rimmer an idea for him and Lister to swap bodies, and he cons Lister into agreeing by promising to make the body healthier. Instead, he constantly smokes, eats and drinks, and Lister demands they swap back. However, Rimmer makes Kryten chloroform Lister in the middle of the night, and steals Lister’s body. Lister-in-Rimmer’s-body gives chase, but Rimmer-in-Lister’s-body crashes Starbug. He pretends to lose an arm, but he’s actually alright, so he celebrates by stealing the Cat’s body instead. GUEST CAST: None PEARL POLL RANKING: 26th of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 5. Timeslides First Broadcast: Tuesday 12th December 1989. IN BRIEF: Rimmer creeps around a boys’ boarding school dorm in the middle of the night. SYNOPSIS: Kryten is developing some photographs, when he discovers that the developing fluid has mutated, making the pictures come to life. Somehow. He experiments with projecting the photos as slides, and the crew are able to walk in to and interact with the scene, although they’re unable to move outside the frame of the photograph. Lister hatches a plan to give his seventeen-year-old self the means to invent the popular Tension Sheet, thus making himself a multi-multi-millionaire with a fit wife, and avoiding signing up for Red Dwarf in the first place. It works, but consequently Rimmer is left alone with Holly, as the Cat race never existed and they never rescued Kryten. Rimmer attempts to bring Lister back, but fails, so instead goes back to his own childhood so that he himself could invent the Tension Sheet. He only succeeds in giving his schoolmate Thicky Holden the invention, thus re-establishing the status quo. For some reason, these shenanigans have resulted in Rimmer being alive, but he soon rectifies this. GUEST CAST: Robert Addie (Gilbert), Rupert Bates and Richard Hainsworth (Bodyguards), Emile Charles (Young Lister), Simon Gaffney (Young Rimmer), Stephen McKintosh (Thicky Holden), Louisa Ruthven (Ski Woman), Koo Stark (Lady Sabrina Mulholland-Jjones), Mark Steel (Ski Man), Ruby Wax (American Presenter), Adolf Hitler (Himself) PEARL POLL RANKING: 21st of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis 6. The Last Day First Broadcast: Tuesday 19th December 1989 IN BRIEF: Rimmer relives the time he was sexually abused by his uncle. SYNOPSIS: Kryten receives the news that he is to be automatically shutdown due to his impeding obsolescence. He accepts his fate, believing that he’ll be rewarded in Silicon Heaven, the electronic after-life. Lister throws Kryten a leaving do in the Officers’ Club, where the gang all get pissed and reminisce about their collective lack of mothers. The next morning, Kryten’s replacement arrives – Hudzen 10, the ultimate machine. If Kryten refuses to turn himself off, Hudzen will do it for him, and after spending three million years hunting Kryten down, he’s gone a bit potty. Before he can kill the entire crew, Kryten makes Hudzen shut down from a metaphysical dichotomy by telling him that Silicon Heaven doesn’t exist. The question of where all the calculators go is left unresolved. GUEST CAST: Julie Higginson (Girl Android), Gordon Kennedy (Hudzen) PEARL POLL RANKING: 28th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary Series IV STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Hattie Hayridge (Holly), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor DIRECTOR: Ed Bye (all), Paul Jackson (ep. 4, uncredited) PRODUCERS: Ed Bye, Rob Grant, Doug Naylor CHANNEL: BBC 2 PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions 1. Camille First Broadcast: Thursday 14th February 1991 IN BRIEF: Kryten embarks on an inter-species relationship. SYNOPSIS: Lister is teaching Kryten to break his programming by lying, insulting Rimmer and defying orders. On an asteroid-spotting mission, Kryten disobeys Rimmer by answering a distress call from a doomed ship. Kryten gets into trouble, and his life is saved by a female mechanoid, Camille. When he takes her back to Starbug, Rimmer sees her as a female hologram. When Lister sees her as a female Kochanski look-a-like, he figures out that all is not what it seems. Camille is a pleasure GELF, who appears to everyone who observes her as the object of their desire. Kryten is not perturbed, and embarks on a fling with Camille after she reverts to her natural form of a huge green blob. Unfortunately, her husband Hector turns up, and Kryten sacrifices his own happiness in order to ensure a better life for Camille. It’s a bit like Casablanca. GUEST CAST: Judy Pascoe (Mechanoid Camille), Francesca Folan (Hologram Camille), Suzanne Rhatigan (Kochanski Camille), Rupert Bates (Hector Blob) PEARL POLL RANKING: 30th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 2. DNA First Broadcast: Thursday 21st February 1991 IN BRIEF: Kryten gets an erection so big that it won’t fit in a standard photograph. SYNOPSIS: The crew explore a derelict spacecraft, where Lister and Cat stumble across a mysterious machine and Lister is accidentally turned into a chicken. The machine is a DNA transmogrifier, able to transform any organic matter into any other organic matter. Lister’s turned into a hamster before returning to human, but in all the confusion, Kryten is made human too. Despite a few teething troubles with plugging a charger into his arse and getting an erection over a hoover, Kryten loves his new status. But when he visits his spare heads, they’re not so keen, and they see him as traitor to mechanoidkind. Kryten decides to change back, but the crew first test the machine on Lister’s curry, inadvertently creating a giant curry monster. Lister tries to fight the beast by turning himself into a Robocop parody, albeit one that’s only a few inches tall. Eventually, he manages to defeat the monster by soaking it in lager, which works for some reason. GUEST CAST: Richard Ridings (DNA Computer Voice) PEARL POLL RANKING: 22nd of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 3. Justice First Broadcast: Thursday 28th February 1991 IN BRIEF: Rimmer is imprisoned for murder, while Lister encourages a simulant to kill himself. SYNOPSIS: Red Dwarf has pulled in an escape pod, bearing the name “Barbara Bellini”, a prison guard at a penal station called Justice World. In order to find out whether the pod contains a human woman or a deranged killing machine, the crew have to travel to Justice World itself, where they are subjected to a mind probe to determine whether they are guilty of any crimes. Cat and Kryten pass the test, Lister is let off despite a string of minor offences, but Rimmer is found guilty of 1,167 counts of second-degree murder, and sentenced to 9,328 years in prison. This is to be served in the Justice Zone, in which anyone who tries to commit a crime instead suffers the consequences themselves. Somehow. Anyway, Kryten persuades the Justice Computer that Rimmer is not actually guilty of a crime, just of being Arnold Rimmer. He’s subsequently released and all is well. Except that the escape pod has opened and it contains a psychopathic simulant. He chases the crew into the Justice Zone, where Lister encourages the Simulant to attack him, knowing that it would actually be harming itself. It dies, and then Lister falls down a hole. GUEST CAST: Nicholas Ball (The Simulant), James Smillie (Justice Computer Voice) PEARL POLL RANKING: 15th of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis 4. White Hole First Broadcast: Thursday 7th March 1991 IN BRIEF: Lister smashes Kryten’s head into a door 53 times. SYNOPSIS: Kryten has repaired the Toaster, which Lister had previously murdered with a lump hammer. He pioneers a technique to restore an AI’s IQ at the cost of reducing their operational lifespan. They try it out on an increasingly erratic Holly, but there’s a miscalculation – her IQ is increased to 12,368, but her lifespan is reduced to 3.41 minutes. She immediately turns herself off, plunging the ship into emergency power. While the crew figure out what to do, they start experiencing relative time phenomena in an amazing compressed space. A white hole is spewing time back in to the universe. They explain the situation to Holly, who calculates a method of blocking the white hole by altering the orbit of a planet. Lister sees this as a pool shot, and thinks he can do a better job. He pulls of a trick shot, and time is returned to a point before any of this took place. GUEST CAST: David Ross (Talkie Toaster) PEARL POLL RANKING: 6th of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Re-Mastered analysis 5. Dimension Jump First Broadcast: Thursday 14th March 1991 IN BRIEF: Rimmer ships Lister with a version of himself. SYNOPSIS: In the past, a juvenile Rimmer is told he might be kept back a year in school. In a parallel dimension, Ace Rimmer sets off on an experimental dimension-jumping craft. Meanwhile, our crew set off on a fishing trip, but Starbug is struck by an experimental dimension-jumping craft, and crashes. Ace Rimmer enters the fray and saves the day, despite having broken an arm. The two Rimmers couldn’t be more different, and it all stems back to that decision about being kept back a year. Arnold can’t stand Ace, and he has infinite other dimensions to explore, so he says his goodbyes, revealing that it was Ace who was kept back a year. He sets off, after Rimmer tries to drop some kippers on him, or something. GUEST CAST: Kalli Greenwood (Mrs Rimmer), Simon Gaffney (Young Rimmer), Hetty Baynes (Cockpit Computer) PEARL POLL RANKING: 10th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 6. Meltdown First Broadcast: Thursday 21st March 1991 IN BRIEF: Rimmer commits genocide. SYNOPSIS: Kryten finds a prototype “matter paddle”, capable of transporting the crew to the nearest habitable planet. He and Rimmer go ahead, are chased by dinosaurs and captured by Elvis Presley. Lister and the Cat follow behind, beaming into Adolf Hitler’s fireplace. All parties soon learn that they’re on an abandoned waxdroid amusement park, where the droids have broken their programming and a war between good and evil has been raging for centuries. Rimmer takes command of the good troops, planning the ultimate attack on the evil forces. Meanwhile, Lister and Cat escape from captivity with Abraham Lincoln and reunite with Rimmer, who immediately places them under arrest to prevent them from scuppering the battle plans. The conflict goes ahead under cover of daylight. The majority of the goodies are instantly killed. But Queen Victoria sneaks into the baddies’ HQ and guns down Hitler. Kryten then turns up the building’s thermostat to melt any survivors. The entire population of planet is wiped out. Rimmer is satisfied with a job well done, so Lister swallows his light bee, fondly anticipating the prospect of shitting him out. GUEST CAST: Clayton Mark (Elvis), Kenneth Hadley (Hitler), Martin Friend (Einstein), Stephen Tiller (Pythagoras), Jack Klaff (Abraham Lincoln), Tony Hawks (Caligula), Michael Burrell (Pope Gregory), Forbes Mason (Stan Laurel), Roger Blake (Noel Coward), Pauline Bailey (Marilyn Monroe) PEARL POLL RANKING: 29th of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary Series V STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Hattie Hayridge (Holly), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor DIRECTOR: Juliet May (eps. 1-3, 5-6), Grant Naylor (eps. 2, 4-6) PRODUCER: Hilary Bevan Jones EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor CHANNEL: BBC 2 PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions 1. Holoship First Broadcast: Thursday 20th February 1992 IN BRIEF: A woman has sex with Rimmer, and soon relinquishes her life. SYNOPSIS: Rimmer is abducted by some wibbly blue lights, and is transported to the holoship Enlightenment. The crew and everything on board is hologrammatic, and twice daily sexual intercourse is compulsory, as revealed to Rimmer by the beautiful Nirvanah Crane. He’s so impressed that he asks the over-acting captain if he can join the crew. Unfortunately, the ship is already fully crewed, and the only way in is dead man’s boots. He sets up the challenge anyway, then has an extremely brief interlude to have sex with Nirvanah. Returning to the Dwarf, he sets up a mind patch, whereby his brain is augmented with the intelligence of other dead crew members. When the test starts, all goes well, until the natural drag factor of Rimmer’s own brain takes over and undoes the mind patch. Rimmer is pretty glum, but Nirvanah is sure he’ll get his dream. Sure enough, his opponent unexpectedly withdraws, and Rimmer transfers to his new ship. However, when he’s shown his new quarters, he recognises them as Nirvanah’s. She was his opponent, and she gave up her very existence so that he could join. He can’t let her do that, so he resigns so that she can be reinstated, even though they’ll forever be apart/not together. GUEST CAST: Jane Horrocks (Nirvanah Crane), Matthew Marsh (Captain Platini), Don Warrington (Commander Binks), Lucy Briers (Harrison), Simon Day (Number Two), Jane Montgomery (Number One), PEARL POLL RANKING: 13th of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis 2. The Inquisitor First Broadcast: Thursday 27th February 1992 IN BRIEF: Lister and Kryten are erased from history. SYNOPSIS: The Inquisitor, a time-travelling android with a magic time gauntlet that can erase people from existence, is making his way through the whole of human history, putting each individual on trial to justify their existence. The crew are next in line, and like all who stand before The Inquistor, their judge shall be themselves. Rimmer’s defence is based on what a terrible start in life he had, Cat rests his case on his beautiful ass, Kryten points out (via poetry) that it’s not an android’s place to judge humans, and Lister just tells himself to spin on it. The verdict? Rimmer and Cat survive, Kryten and Lister are erased. But before The Inquisitor can delete their physical forms, a future version of Kryten appears, chops off The Inquisitor’s hand and throws the gauntlet to our Lister & Kryten before being killed. They try to escape, but neither the ship nor Rimmer and Cat recognise them. They’ve been replaced by alternative versions, who both get killed. Lister uses his dead sperm in law’s hand to aid their escape. Rimmer and Cat eventually come round to their side, but then they get killed too. Kryten goes back in time in order to get killed. Lister sets up a scenario whereby he saves The Inquisitor’s life, so that he can’t be erased. The Inquisitor’s not buying it, but he falls for the old backfiring time gauntlet trick, accidentally erases himself from history, and restores everything to normal. GUEST CAST: ‘John’ Docherty (The Inquisitor), Jake Abraham (Second Lister), James Cormack (Thomas Allman) PEARL POLL RANKING: 12th of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 3. Terrorform First Broadcast: Thursday 5th March 1992 IN BRIEF: Rimmer gets stripped, oiled and massaged. SYNOPSIS: Kryten and Rimmer crash land on a mysterious moon. Kryten’s disembodied hand gets Lister and Cat’s attention – they rescue and repair Kryten but Rimmer has been kidnapped. The crew soon discover that this is a psi-moon, a place where the environments and inhabitants are all determined by elements of one individual’s psyche – in this case, Rimmer. After traversing the Swamp of Despair, they find Rimmer held captive by his own self-loathing. They try and bring him down with bazookoid fire, even though they were risking their lives to do so. Only after Rimmer realises this is the beast defeated. The foursome make their way back to Starbug, but are bogged down in quicksand. Kryten realises that they can only escape by improving Rimmer’s mood, so they all pretend they love him. After a four-way-hug-scenario, the ghosts of Rimmer’s positive personality traits come back to life, and the crew successfully take off. GUEST CAST: Sara Stockbridge and Francine Walker-Lee (Handmaidens) PEARL POLL RANKING: 25th of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, A lovely bit of James Last 4. Quarantine First Broadcast: Thursday 12th March 1992 IN BRIEF: Rimmer tries to kill the rest of the crew. SYNOPSIS: The crew come across an abandoned research facility, home to a hologram named Dr Lanstrom. Lister, Cat and Kryten go to investigate, but Rimmer, perturbed by his lack of authority and the notion of being replaced as ship’s hologram, stays behind to bone up on his Space Corps Directives. Unfortunately, Lanstrom is afflicted by a holo-virus, which gives her powers of telepathy, telekinesis and hex-vision. She succumbs to the virus, but not before transmitting it electronically to Rimmer. When the crew return, Rimmer has them confined to quarantine. They slowly drive each other potty, but not as potty as Rimmer, who’s wearing a gingham dress and army boots, and answers to the King of the Potato People. They use one of Lanstrom’s positive viruses – a luck virus – to escape from Quarantine, but Rimmer apprehends them, aided by his new powers and a glove puppet called Mr Flibble. They use the luck virus again to overcome him, and get their revenge by sticking the fucker in quarantine himself. GUEST CAST: Maggie Steed (Dr Hildegarde Lanstrom) PEARL POLL RANKING: 4th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 5. Demons & Angels First Broadcast: Thursday 19th March 1992 IN BRIEF: Red Dwarf blows up. SYNOPSIS: Kryten and Lister have adapted the matter paddle from Meltdown to function as a triplicator. However, one of the copies contains only the best elements of the original, and the other only the worst. When they attempt to reverse the process, Red Dwarf is blown up. Two new copies of the ship materialise. The crew head to the “high” ship to retrieve a copy of the triplicator, but it only has half of the necessary components. They therefore have to brave the “low” ship, where half the high crew are instantly killed. Lister is captured by the lows, and forcefed a tarantula. They then fit him with a spinal implant, which allows them to control him remotely. Meanwhile, Kryten has assembled the triplicator, but the crew are attacked by Lister, who’s fresh from murdering the remaining Highs. Kryten takes him by surprise with chloroform and they escape. Kryten activates the triplicator, and Red Dwarf returns but Lister is still under control, until Cat shoots the Low Lister, before making our Lister slap himself in the face repeatedly for a week. GUEST CAST: None PEARL POLL RANKING: 27th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 6. Back To Reality First Broadcast: Thursday 26th March 1992 IN BRIEF: The crew are all killed by a giant squid. SYNOPSIS: While the crew explore yet another derelict, it transpires that everyone (and every fish) on board had committed suicide, due to the despair brought upon by an hallucinogenic venom. They head back to Starbug after suffering a brief bout of anguish, but the craft is attacked by a giant squid. Starbug explodes, killing the crew. Then, Duane Dibbley, Jake Bullet, William Doyle and Sebastian Doyle emerge from their artificial reality suite and begin to recuperate. They’ve spent four years playing the popular video game Red Dwarf, and their memories are yet to return. Sebastian learns that he’s a fascist enforcer in a totalitarian state, and Jake kills a human. As they try to escape, it turns out that this is all an elaborate group hallucination, and Holly is trying to revive the still very much alive and real crew. Duane et al attempt a group suicide with Jake/Kryten’s harpoon gun, but Holly gets through to them just in time and the hallucination ends. GUEST CAST: Timothy Spall (Andy), Lenny Von Dohlen (Cop), Anastasia Hille (New Kochanski), Marie McCarthy (Nurse), John Sharian (New Lister) PEARL POLL RANKING: 1st of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Programme Analysis Series VI STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor DIRECTOR: Andy De Emmony PRODUCER: Justin Judd EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor CHANNEL: BBC 2 PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions 1. Psirens First Broadcast: Thursday 7th October 1993 IN BRIEF: Lister kisses a big insect. SYNOPSIS: 200 years have passed, and Red Dwarf is lost. The crew, now confined to Starbug, attempt to chase its vapour trail through an asteroid belt, and discover a spaceship graveyard. Insectoid GELF scavengers, Psirens, have been luring space travellers to their doom through telepathy, in order to eat their brains. They attempt to lure Cat and Lister by pretending to be nymphomaniacs and Kochanski respectively, and Starbug is brought down by a giant flaming meteorite. When Lister goes out to repair the damage, two Psirens fight for his brain. He evades them, but then two Listers return to Starbug. The crew weed out the interloper, but it escapes to the engine room. Kryten goes after it, but it forces him to enter the waste compactor. It’s about to kill Lister and the Cat, but a newly cubed Kryten saves the day. GUEST CAST: Jenny Agutter (Professor Mamet), Samantha Robson (Pete Tranter’s Sister), Anita Dobson (Captain Tau), Richard Ridings (Crazed Astro), C.P. Grogan (Kochanski), Zoe Hilson & Elizabeth Anson (Temptresses), Phil Manzanera (Featuring the hands of) PEARL POLL RANKING: 23th of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 2. Legion First Broadcast: Thursday 14th October 1993 IN BRIEF: Kryten knocks everyone the fuck out. SYNOPSIS: A tractor beam pulls Starbug into an abandoned space station, previously home to an extremely advanced technological research centre. As the crew investigate, a life form registers on the psi-scan. They meet Legion, a green-lycra-clad mysterious masked figure. He performs an emergency appendectomy on Lister, and upgrades Rimmer’s light bee to support hard light projection. Furthermore, he insists on treating the crew to a slap-up Mimosian meal, and invites them to stay indefinitely. The crew love their luxurious surroundings, but they’re losing ground on Red Dwarf, and aren’t sure how voluntary their stay is. Legion gets violent when they try to escape. Kryten figures out that he’s a gestalt entity, comprised of elements from each of his visitors, and that he will cease to exist if the crew escape. He remedies the situation by knocking everyone else out, so that Legion becomes a carbon copy of Kryten, and as such must comply with the crew’s wishes. GUEST CAST: Nigel Williams (Legion) PEARL POLL RANKING: 8th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 3. Gunmen of the Apocalypse First Broadcast: Thursday 21st October 1993 IN BRIEF: Lister’s sex life is ruined by a virus. SYNOPSIS: Starbug is being stalked by rogue simulants, thus interrupting Lister’s artificial reality session. Their attempt at subterfuge fails when a simulant materialises on board. He knocks the crew out, and gives Starbug a full offensive upgrade, in order to make for a fair fight. This is perhaps misjudged, as Starbug takes the simulant ship down. The simulants’ parting shot is to infect Starbug’s navicomp with a virus, putting them on collision course with a lava planet. Kryten has to contract the virus itself, and fight against it to create an antidote within his own dreamscape. He imagines himself as a drunken sheriff in a Western town, harassed and threatened by the Apocalypse Brothers. The rest of the crew use the AR suite to enter Kryten’s dream, get him sobered up and help him to fight the Apocalypse boys. They’re all forced to quit the game, but Kryten does enough, and wipes the Apocalypse boys – and the virus – out. Starbug escapes from the lava planet just in time. GUEST CAST: Jennifer Calvert (Loretta), Denis Lill (Simulant Captain/Death), Liz Hickling (Simulant Lieutenant), Imogen Bain (Lola), Steve Devereaux (Jimmy), Robert Inch (War), Jeremy Peters (Pestilence), Dinny Powell (Famine), Stephen Marcus (Bear Strangler McGee) PEARL POLL RANKING: 3rd of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 4. Emohawk: Polymorph II First Broadcast: Thursday 28th October 1993 IN BRIEF: Rimmer attempts to break the Cat’s neck. SYNOPSIS: Starbug is apprehended by a spinning 2-D circle. They escape by entering GELF Space, where they promptly crash land on a Kinitawowi moon. They need an oxygen generation unit before they can take off, so they set about bartering with the GELFs. The GELF Chief names his price – Lister must marry his daughter. He goes through with the ceremony, then fucks right off, so the GELF Chief unleashes his pet Emohawk – a domesticated Polymorph – on Starbug. It attacks the Cat, turning him in Duane Dibbley, before turning Rimmer into Ace. Ace concocts a plan to flush the Emohawk into space, killing himself and Duane/Cat in the process. Lister stops him from doing this, and the four of them hunt the Emohawk down. It turns into a grenade, but Ace suppresses the explosion, and Lister freezes the creature with liquid nitrogen. GUEST CAST: Hugh Quarshie (Computer), Martin Sims (GELF), Ainsley Harriott (GELF Chief), Steven Wickham (GELF Bride). PEARL POLL RANKING: 40th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all. 5. Rimmerworld First Broadcast: Thursday 4th November 1993 IN BRIEF: Six centuries of inter-Rimmer breeding. SYNOPSIS: The crew happen upon the simulant ship they destroyed in Gunmen, and decide to attempt a salvage mission. They find a teleporter, but also find a barely-surviving simulant. Rimmer uses an escape pod to get away, thus triggering a shipquake. The others use the teleporter to get away, via three weeks ago. Rimmer’s escape pod passes through a wormhole. Starbug will follow behind it, but due to time dilation, Rimmer will be waiting for centuries. He examines the contents of his escape pod, and finds eco-accelerator rockets to terraform the desert landscape. He then manages to clone himself. When the rest of the crew arrive, the entire planet is populated by countless Rimmers. They’re thrown in jail, where they find the real Rimmer, imprisoned for centuries by his own descendants. They escape using the teleporter, but accidentally visit the near future, where they discover something quite hideous has happened to Lister… GUEST CAST: Liz Hickling (Rogue Simulant) PEARL POLL RANKING: 32nd of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 6. Out of Time First Broadcast: Thursday 11th November 1993 IN BRIEF: The crew get really fat and start hanging round with Nazis. SYNOPSIS: Starbug passes through a dense patch of stellar fog. There’s an impact, and Lister is hurt. However, when Kryten examines him, it’s discovered that Lister is in fact a re-programmed mechanoid in disguise. It turns out that the stellar fog contains unreality bubbles, which create false realities in order to ward off looters. They decide to fight their way through, and discover a time drive at the epicenter, which they promptly install on Starbug. After a trip to pre-Renaissance Deep Space, the crew are contacted by their future selves. Kryten locks the others away while he meets them – Rimmer and Cat are both fat bastards, Kryten wears a ridiculous toupee and Lister is just a brain in a jar. They need the present crew’s help to repair their time drive. Lister breaks in to the meeting and gives the future selves the boot. Future Rimmer gives the crew an ultimatum. Either give them access to the data they require, or be prepared to be blasted out of the sky. They fight. They lose. To be continued. GUEST CAST: None. PEARL POLL RANKING: 14th of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis, article on the cliffhanger. Series VII STARRING: Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chris Barrie (Rimmer, eps. 1-3, 5), Chloe Annett (Kochanski, eps. 3-8) WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor (all), Paul Alexander (eps. 2, 7, 8), Kim Fuller (ep. 5), Robert Llewellyn (ep. 6), James Hendrie (ep. 8) PRODUCER/DIRECTOR: Ed Bye EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Doug Naylor CHANNEL: BBC 2 PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions 1. Tikka To Ride First Broadcast: Friday 17th January 1997 IN BRIEF: Kryten, Cat and Rimmer brutally beat Lister. SYNOPSIS: Turns out that the crew didn’t die after all, but all the curry supplies were wiped out. Lister wants to use the time drive to (somehow) go back to 21st century Earth, but Kryten won’t allow it. So Lister steals Kryten’s body, attaches Spare Head 2 and removes his behaviour protocols. They retrieve and use the time drive, but it takes them back to the Texas Book Depository, Dallas, on the 22nd November 1963. They accidentally prevent President Kennedy’s assassination, and jump forward in time by three years to escape. The world is unrecognisable. Kennedy was impeached, J. Edgar Hoover became president, and the USA is on the brink of nuclear apocalypse. After eating a dead man, the crew enlist President Kennedy himself to be the second gunman. He shoots himself, and this somehow doesn’t cause the same paradox that was used at the start of the episode to get out of the Out of Time cliffhanger. GUEST CAST: Michael J. Shannon (John F. Kennedy), Toby Aspin (Lee Harvey Oswald), Peter Gaitens (FBI Agent), Robert Ashe (Cop) PEARL POLL RANKING: 34th of 73 overall. 1st of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Xtended Revisited 2. Stoke Me A Clipper First Broadcast: Friday 24th January 1997 IN BRIEF: Lister tells everyone Rimmer has been killed by a fictional character, and they accept this. SYNOPSIS: In a parallel dimension, Ace Rimmer vanquishes a disgusting racist, who plays a Nazi here. Meanwhile, Lister’s attempts to have sex with a medieval queen are ruined when he is pulled out of his AR game. Ace has materialised too close to Starbug again. He comes on board, and reveals to Rimmer that he’s dying. He isn’t the first Ace, not even the second – when each Ace dies, he recruits another Rimmer. Our Rimmer is not keen, and is struggling with his training. Lister dresses as a knight from his AR game, and convinces Rimmer that he’s defeated him. Rimmer gives Ace the good news, just as he succumbs to his light bee damage. Lister tells the rest of the crew that it’s Rimmer who has died. Having seen the sheer number of cheap CGI Ace Rimmer pods, Rimmer takes on the mantle and sets off for adventure. GUEST CAST: Brian Cox (The King), Ken Morley (Captain Voorhese), Sarah Alexander (Queen), John Thompson (Good Knight), Alison Senior (Princess Bonjella), Mark Carlisle (Lieutenant), Mark Lingwood (Gestapo Officer), Kai Maurer, Stephan Grothgar and Andy Gell (Soldiers) PEARL POLL RANKING: 45th of 73 overall. 2nd of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 3. Ouroboros First Broadcast: Friday 31st January 1997 IN BRIEF: Lister takes advantage of a confused, barely-conscious woman. SYNOPSIS: Liverpool, 2155. A baby is left in a box under a pool table. In the present day, Starbug comes across a rip in the fabric of space/time, and the crew enter a dimensional linkway. They meet up with the residents of a parallel universe which diverged from our own when Kochanski discovered Lister’s pet cat, and consequently she got caught and sent to stasis instead of him. The linkway is attacked by the GELFs from Emohawk, and alternate Kochanski is stranded with our crew. She asks Lister for a sperm donation, then uses her superior navigation skills to escape the GELFs. A whingy bastard who has taken the place of Kryten helps her to re-establish the linkway, but as she’s about to leave, Lister realises that the baby he is about to father is in fact himself. The GELFs attack again, and Kochanski attempts to leap the gap that they fire into the linkway. She falls short, Lister saves her life by shooting her with a harpoon gun, and carries her back to our Starbug. Eighteen months later, Lister abandons an infant version of himself in Liverpool, 2155. GUEST CAST: Gary Bleasdale (Frank), Juliet Griffiths (Barmaid), Adrienne Posta (Flight Announcer), Alexander John-Jules (Baby Lister) PEARL POLL RANKING: 55th of 73 overall. 4th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Xtended Revisited 4. Duct Soup First Broadcast: Friday 7th February 1997 IN BRIEF: Kryten endangers the lives of the entire crew out of petty jealousy. SYNOPSIS: Lister and Kochanski are both suffering from insomnia, so her runs her a lovely bath. This makes Kryten insanely jealous. Suddenly, the power goes off, all the doors lock, and the crew have to climb through the ventilation ducts to get to the back-up generator. It turns out that Lister is claustrophobic, and also that Kochanski makes a noise like a rusty gate when she has sex. It’s also getting warmer – Starbug is on a collision course with a sun. It emerges that Kryten deliberately overloaded the power generator to prevent Kochanski having a bath. The big twat. The crew speed to their destination by surfing the waves of water that clean the ducts. But they emerge back in Lister’s bunk room. The map was upside down. But it’s okay, because the door wasn’t locked after all, which Kryten was fully aware of. The big twat. GUEST CAST: None. PEARL POLL RANKING: 60th of 73 overall. 6th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Xtended Revisited 5. Blue First Broadcast: 14th February 1997 IN BRIEF: Lister dreams of kissing Rimmer. SYNOPSIS: The crew try to navigate their way through the tail of a comet, nearly destroying Starbug in the process. Lister sets about jettisoning any unnecessary cargo to reduce Starbug’s weight, and starts reminiscing about the good times he had with Rimmer, such as cheating at golf and stealing from dead people’s lockers. Unexpectedly, Rimmer returns, the pair catch up and then have a good old snog. But it was all a dream. Lister seeks help from Kryten, but it’s Kochanski who helps him through his grief. Not to be outdone, Kryten creates The Rimmer Experience, an AR museum about Rimmer’s life, based on events recounted in his diary, and complete with a munchkin-based song and dance routine. Lister hates Rimmer again now. GUEST CAST: None. PEARL POLL RANKING: 54th of 73 overall. 3rd of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Fuck all. 6. Beyond a Joke First Broadcast: Friday 21st February 1997 IN BRIEF: Kryten disowns his drug-addled brother, leading to his death. SYNOPSIS: It’s the anniversary of Kryten being rescued from the Nova 5, so he cooks a slap-up lobster dinner to celebrate. However, the rest of the crew have made plans to play a Jane Austen themed computer game, and so they selfishly leave Kryten on his own rather than just rescheduling. Kryten takes his revenge by hacking into the game and blowing everything up with a big tank. When they finally settle down to dinner, Lister asks for ketchup, and Kryten’s head explodes. The crew board a nearby derelict to look for spare heads, only to discover it’s been taken over by simulants. They decide to wear some incredibly realistic GELF costumesin order to barter with the simulant. Despite the Cat blowing their cover, they pick up some spare heads, but when they return to Starbug, they discover it’s been ransacked and Kryten is missing. The simulant has Kryten fixed by Able, a fellow Series 4000 mechanoid – effectively Kryten’s ‘brother’ – who’s addicted to debilitating mechanoid drug Otrazone. The crew get Kryten and Able back and knock the simulant party out, but not before Kryten is informed that the 4000 Series was designed as a joke to get back at Professor Mamet’s former partner. All Kryten’s negative emotions are stored on a nega-drive, which contains a concentrated ball of resentment and anger. The crew are laying low, hiding from the simulants, when Able sneaks off to the cockpit for an Otrazone fix. He gives their position away, then buggers off in an escape pod. But Able fires Kryten’s nega-drive at the simulants, drowning them in resentment until the ship explodes, taking the escape pod with it. GUEST CAST: Don Henderson (The Simulant), Vicky Ogden (Mrs. Bennet), Alina Proctor (Jane Bennet), Catherine Harvey (Kitty Bennet), Sophia Thierens (Lydia Bennet), Rebecca Katz (Mary Bennet), Julia Lloyd (Elizabeth Bennet) PEARL POLL RANKING: 65th of 73 overall. 8th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 7. Epideme First Broadcast: Friday 28th February 1997 IN BRIEF: Lister cops off with a corpse and ends up losing an arm. SYNOPSIS: The crew detect a life-sign on a frozen derelict. A woman, Caroline Carmen, is frozen inside a slab of ice. They bring the slab on board, where it melts in the middle of the night. Caroline, who it turns out is a big zombie, attacks Lister and kisses him. Lister has been infected with the intelligent Epideme virus, and Kryten finds a way to communicate with the disease. They can’t persuade him to leave Lister be, so they use anti-bodies to contain the virus to Lister’s arm, and then chop it off. But it doesn’t work, and Lister is still diseased. He’s prevented from blowing himself up when Epideme sends him on a wild goose chase for a cure that doesn’t exist. Kochanski saves him with a drastic plan – she stops his heart, allows his body to bite her arm, and then cuts it off. Luckily, it turns out it was Caroline Carmen’s arm after all, and everything’s fine. Except that Lister still doesn’t have a right arm. GUEST CAST: Nicky Leatherbarrow (Caroline Carmen), Gary Martin (Epideme) PEARL POLL RANKING: 58th of 73 overall. 5th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 8. Nanarchy First Broadcast: Friday 7th March 1997 IN BRIEF: Red Dwarf is all tiny, then massive. SYNOPSIS: Lister only has one arm, and they all talk about that for a bit. When Kryten’s attempts to provide a robot arm fail, Kochanski remembers the existence of nanobots, which act as a mechanoid’s self-repair system. Kryten’s nanobots are missing, last seen before they lost Red Dwarf. So the crew go into deep sleep and travel back to the scene of Back To Reality, where they find a planet that the navicomp identifies as Red Dwarf. They find several items from the ship, including Lister’s old Holly watch. Holly – now male again – explains that the nanobots remolecularised the entire ship, restored Holly’s personality, then fucked him off and went to explore Lister’s sock basket in a tiny Red Dwarf. Kryten recaptures the nanobots and instructs them to rebuild Red Dwarf and build Lister a new arm. They over-compensate, giving Lister a huge muscular body, and creating a giant-sized Red Dwarf. GUEST CAST: Norman Lovett (Holly) PEARL POLL RANKING: 61st of 73 overall. 7th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary Series VIII STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain, except ep. 5) WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor (all), Paul Alexander (eps. 5 & 7) PRODUCER/DIRECTOR: Ed Bye EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Doug Naylor CHANNEL: BBC 2 PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions 1. Back In The Red (Part One) First Broadcast: Thursday 18th February 1999 IN BRIEF: Starbug anally penetrates a rat. SYNOPSIS: Lister and Rimmer are in prison, being really annoying. Three days earlier, Starbug hurtles through the corridors of a giant-sized Red Dwarf while it shrinks around them. After buggering a rat, in squeezes through to the cargo bay, losing its engines and mid-section in the process, before exploding into a big ball of flames. The crew come to and are greeted by Chen and Selby. Hollister turns up and has Lister arrested for stealing and crashing a Starbug. As well as rebuilding the ship, the nanobots have resurrected the entire crew, then done a runner. Lister will be imprisoned in the ship’s hitherto unmentioned prison deck if he can’t prove his story. He enlists pre-accident Rimmer to help him, in exchange for access to the crew’s confidential files. He finds them in Starbug’s wreckage, along with the luck and sexual magnetism viruses from Quarantine. GUEST CAST: Paul Bradley (Chen), David Gillespie (Selby), Karl Glenn Stimpson (MP Thornton), Kika Mirylees (Doc Newton), Andy Taylor (Dr. McClaren) PEARL POLL RANKING: 64th of 73 overall. 2nd of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Xtended Revisited 2. Back In The Red (Part Two) First Broadcast: Thursday 25th February 1999 IN BRIEF: Rimmer uses a drug to sleep with half the crew, then attacks his own penis with a hammer. SYNOPSIS: Captain Hollister does a video diary for ages. Then, Rimmer delivers a report on drive plate safety to Hollister, prompting the captain to invite him to a top-level dinner. The crew are preparing to stand trial, and consent to undergo psychotropic testing to determine their guilt. Later, Lister uses the luck virus to escape from his holding cell and rescue Kochanski. He then uses the sexual magnetism virus to assault her. Meanwhile, Kryten attempts to defy his superiors by making them sit on a toilet, and promptly has his personality restored to factory settings. Meanwhile, the Cat has joined the escape party, and the trio don wigs and teeth to pass themselves off as the Dibbley family. They happen upon Kryten, who recognises them and returns to normal. Meanwhile, Rimmer is trying to impress Hollister at dinner, but is interrupted by constant bouts of virus-induced sex. Hollister reveals that the crew are currently undergoing psychotropic testing – they think they’re escaping, but it’s all a simulation. Rimmer realises that they could incriminate him by mentioning the confidential files, so he sets off to interfere. GUEST CAST: Kika Mirylees (Doc Newton), Jemma Churchill (Panel Woman Officer), Andy Taylor (Dr. McClaren), Sue Kelvin (Second Woman Officer), Karl Gleen Stimpson (MP Thornton), Genevieve Swallow (Last Woman Officer), Geoffrey Beevers (Doctor) PEARL POLL RANKING: 69th of 73 overall. 5th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Xtended Revisited 3. Back In The Red (Part Three) First Broadcast: Thursday 4th March 1999 IN BRIEF: Everyone is sent to prison for crimes that only Rimmer and Lister commit. SYNOPSIS: Lister and Rimmer are being annoying in prison again, then Captain Hollister does a video diary for fucking ages. Back in the present, the escaped crew are commandeering a Blue Midget. In order to prove to the ground controller that he’s a competent pilot, the Cat does an elaborate dance. Meanwhile, Rimmer breaks in to the AR suite where the crew are really being held, and deletes all references to the confidential file scam from the record. This manipulation causes the crew to realise they’re in a computer programme, and they try to find their way out via some shit claymation. They exit and head for an elevator with Rimmer. They persuade him to join them in a real escape, and go and commandeer a Blue Midget. But, oh no! The ground controller is actually a bit ugly! They take off without a dance, but then Holly points out that they’re still in AR, and that he was responsible for all of this, for some reason. Back in the real world, Hollister and a ridiculous egg-headed version of Holly are watching events unfold, and conclude that the crew are innocent of all the original charges, but are “all” guilty of abusing confidential files. They are sentenced to two years in the brig, where Lister uses the remaining sexual magnetism virus to ensure Rimmer is raped. GUEST CAST: Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Yasmin Bannerman (First Ground Controller), Jeillo Edwards (Second Ground Controller), Karl Glenn Stimpson (MP Thornton) PEARL POLL RANKING: 71st of 73 overall. 6th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Xtended Revisited 4. Cassandra First Broadcast: Thursday 11th March 1999 IN BRIEF: Rimmer gleefully leads Warden Knot to his death. SYNOPSIS: Lister signs everyone up for the Canaries, which he mistakenly believes to be a singing group, rather than a lunatic scout party, sent into places too dangerous for the main crew. Their first assignment is aboard the SSS Silverberg, which is home to a computer called Cassandra that can unerringly predict the future. She boldly states that all the Canaries (bar Lister, Cat, Kryten and Kochanski) will be dead within an hour, except for Rimmer who will be dead within 20 minutes. Realising that Cassandra doesn’t necessarily know who ‘Rimmer’ is, he gives Warden Knot his jacket with an over-sized name badge, and Knot promptly has a heart attack. But Rimmer will still die with the rest of the Canaries. Cassandra reveals that Lister shoots him after finding him in bed with Kochanski. She’s skeptical, but soon finds herself naked in Rimmer’s presence. Lister arrives, but he’s figure out what’s going on – Cassandra’s basically just taking the piss, because she predicts that Lister will kill her. He confronts her, but decides to avoid predeterminism by not killing her. As he leaves, he sticks his chewing gum to the wall. It drops, and sets off a chain reaction that results in Cassandra’s death. GUEST CAST: Geraldine McEwan (Cassandra), Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Jake Wood (Kill Crazy), Shend (Warden Knot), Ian Soundy (Guard), Joseph Crilly (Blood Drinker) PEARL POLL RANKING: 53rd of 73 overall. 1st of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Garbage World analysis 5. Krytie TV First Broadcast: Thursday 18th March 1999 IN BRIEF: Kryten profits from the sexual exploitation of women without their consent. SYNOPSIS: Lister receives news that he may be able to appeal his sentence if he can maintain his good behaviour. Meanwhile, Kryten is sad because he’s been classified as a woman, due to the ship’s out-dated notion of gender identity. When Kill Crazy and his cronies hear Kryten shares communal showers with the female prisoners, they kidnap him and reprogram him to be a ruthless entrepreneur. He establishes Krytie TV and broadcasts Women’s Shower Night Live to the male prisoners. Lister tells Kochanski, but she’s annoyed that he didn’t tell her sooner. Kryten is then booted out of the women’s wing, and brings Lister news that Kochanski is getting back together with her ex-boyfriend Tim. He encourages Lister to sabotage their date by wrecking Tim’s quarters. However, this is all a ruse for Krytie TV – after he trashes the room, it’s revealed that it’s actually Ackerman’s quarters. Rimmer helps him to put things right, mindful of the upcoming appeal. But it turns out that the appeal was only over Lister’s guitar strings anyway. Boh! GUEST CAST: Jake Wood (Kill Crazy), Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Mark Caven (Man in Film), Sarah Wateridge (Woman in Film), Clifford Barry (Guard) PEARL POLL RANKING: 67th of 73 overall. 3rd of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary 6. Pete (Part One) First Broadcast: Thursday 25th March 1999 IN BRIEF: Rimmer and Lister give Hollister an erection. SYNOPSIS: For some reason, Rimmer and Lister have become partners in crime. They’re in trouble with Hollister for playing a prank on Ackerman. Their punishment is to play a game of basketball against the guards, for some reason. In order to rig the game, they spike the guards’ half-time drinks with Viagra. This gets them into trouble with Hollister. Their punishment is to peel potatoes. Meanwhile, Kryten, Cat and Kochanski are on Canary duty when they find a Time Wand, a device capable of pausing and manipulating time. They smuggle it back to Red Dwarf. Meanwhile, Bob the Skutter provides Lister and Rimmer with a virus programmed to eat potato skins, to aid their peeling duty. For some reason, it also eats all their clothes and hair. This gets them into trouble with Hollister. Their punishment is two months in The Hole. There, they meet Birdman and his pet sparrow Pete. Bob breaks them out, and they discover that the crew have been frozen in time. They meet up with the others in the cargo bay. Pete the sparrow dies, but when Kryten uses the time wand on him, he turns into a big fucking T-Rex. GUEST CAST: Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Andrew Alston (Mex), Holly Earl (Young Kochanski), Perri Michael (Young Cat), Ricky Grover (Baxter), Ian Masters (Birdman), Shend (Warden Knot) PEARL POLL RANKING: 72nd of 73 overall. 7th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis 7. Pete (Part Two) First Broadcast: Thursday 1st April 1999 IN BRIEF: A dinosaur eats some food and shits everywhere. SYNOPSIS: The crew run away from the dinosaur, but in the process it eats both Bob and the time wand. They attempt to speed up Pete’s excretion process by giving him a big curry. This gets them in trouble with Hollister. He has retrieved the time wand, and for some reason entrusts Lister and Rimmer with the duty of using it to turn Pete back into a sparrow. They gather a team together, but Baxter and Kill Crazy want to fight the dinosaur rather than use the time wand. They zap Lister and Rimmer to no avail, so start beating the shit out of them instead, but this has no effect. They run off with the time wand. This gets Rimmer and Lister into trouble with Hollister. The delayed effects of the fight take hold in Hollister’s office. This inexplicably gets them into trouble with Hollister. They retrieve the time wand once more, use it to turn Pete back to normal, then destroy it for no particular reason. They then discover that Pete has somehow laid an egg. The baby dinosaur breaks loose and licks Hollister’s back. This gets Rimmer and Lister into trouble with Hollister. Oh, and also something about Kryten having a fake penis. GUEST CAST: Ian Masters (Birdman), Jake Wood (Kill Crazy), Ricky Grover (Baxter) PEARL POLL RANKING: 73rd of 73 overall. 8th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary, Garbage World analysis 8. Only The Good… First Broadcast: Monday 5th April 1999 IN BRIEF: The Cat bags himself a prison bitch. SYNOPSIS: Rimmer is on probation, working for Captain Hollister, who’s recovering from yellow fever. He cheers himself up by stealing a choccy nut bar, making an enemy of the vending machine he nicked it from. Meanwhile, Lister pranks Kryten by giving him inaccurate information about the female menstrual cycle. He takes his revenge by hiding Baxter’s illegal hooch in Lister and Rimmer’s cell, minutes before an inspection. They drink all the booze and wind up in hospital. Baxter is out to get our heroes, so for their own protection they each make sure they wind up in hospital too. They plan to escape from the ship, but discover that a corrosive chameleonic microbe is on board. The inform the authorities, who promptly abandon ship and leave them to die. Kryten creates a mirror universe in order to discover an antidote. Rimmer goes through and gets the formula from a clever version of the Cat. But he returns to find the ship deserted and rapidly decaying. Furthermore, as the vending machine from earlier points out, the formula won’t even work. Rimmer falls to his death and is visited by the Grim Reaper, who he then whacks in the non-existent balls. None of this is ever spoken of again. GUEST CAST: Graham McTavish (Ackerman), Heidi Monsen (Talia), Tony Slattery (Vending Machine), Ricky Grover (Baxter), David Verrey (Big Meat) PEARL POLL RANKING: 68th of 73 overall. 4th of 8 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary Back to Earth STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor DIRECTOR: Doug Naylor PRODUCERS: Jo Howard, Helen Norman EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Charles Armitage, Doug Naylor CHANNEL: Dave PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions 1. Back To Earth (Part One) First Broadcast: Friday 10th April 2009 IN BRIEF: Lister eats a tomato and sneezes. SYNOPSIS: Nine years later, Lister is at a low ebb following the death of Kochanski. Cat discovers that there’s a giant squid in one of the water tanks, so they go to investigate, tangle with the squid and all get covered in ink. After the confrontation, the squid disappears to another dimension, leaving behind only a tentacle. Shortly afterwards a hologram called Katerina Bartikovsky appears. She was a science officer on Red Dwarf, and assumes command from Rimmer. She’s determined to help Lister to restart the human race, and deems Rimmer surplus to requirements, giving him 24 hours’ notice of his termination. She uses the squid’s tentacle to build a dimension-cutting device, allowing Lister to travel to another dimension and bring back a mate. The device is activated and a wormhole opens up. GUEST CAST: Sophie Winkleman (Katerina) PEARL POLL RANKING: 63rd of 73 overall. 2nd of 3 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Discussion thread, Instant Reaction DwarfCast, DwarfCast Commentary (Director’s Cut) 2. Back To Earth (Part Two) First Broadcast: Saturday 11th April 2009 IN BRIEF: Rimmer murders a fellow hologram. SYNOPSIS: The crew are sucked through the wormhole into a department store in a parallel dimension. All the screens in the TV department show a trailer for the forthcoming return of Red Dwarf, a fondly-remembered sci-fi comedy show from the 1990s. The crew figure out that they are merely fictional characters from a TV show, which is confirmed when they find a DVD of Red Dwarf: Back To Earth, the synopsis of which tells them they must track down their creator to plead for more life. They head to a comic book shop to look for clues. By enhancing a photo from a Red Dwarf convention, they find the address of a prop maker called Swallow that worked on the show. They take a bus, where Lister meets two young fans, who share their theory that Kochanski is still alive. They get off the bus, Rimmer murders Katerina, then they head to meet Swallow. He doesn’t have contact with the Creator, but he knows a man who does. He gives them instructions, along with the keys to the Red Dwarf Fan Club president’s car – a Smart car customised to look like Starbug. The crew set off in Carbug and pull up on the cobbles of Coronation Street. GUEST CAST: Sophie Winkleman (Katerina), Tom Andrews (Salesman), Karen Admiral (Woman), Jon Glover (Man), Jeremy Swift (Noddy), Julian Ryder (Bus Driver), Charlie Kenyon (Boy On The Bus), Nina Southworth (Girl On The Bus), Richard Woo (Swallow) PEARL POLL RANKING: 66th of 73 overall. 3rd of 3 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Discussion thread, Instant Reaction DwarfCast, DwarfCast Commentary (Director’s Cut) 3. Back To Earth (Part Three) First Broadcast: Sunday 12th April 2009 IN BRIEF: Craig Charles goes back to the Priory. SYNOPSIS: The crew search Coronation Street for Craig Charles. Michelle Keegan directs them to the Rovers, while Simon Gregson warns Craig of their arrival. Craig is happy to see what he presumes to be his fellow actors playing dress-up, until Lister walks in. He gives them the Creator’s address, then goes back to rehab. They find him in the Tyrell Building from Blade Runner and Lister ends up killing him. The crew realise that they’ve regained control of their own destiny, and feel joyful. Then they realise that this isn’t real – it’s an hallucination brought on by the squid. Lister wants to stay in his ink-induced coma, even though it will kill him, so that he can be with Kochanski. Kryten confesses that Kochanski isn’t really dead, but when she walks through the door, Lister is determined to stay. But as they drive off into the sunset, he’s buoyed by the words of his young fans from Part Two, and heads back to reality to win the real Kochanski back. GUEST CAST: Simon Gregson (Himself), Michelle Keegan (Herself), Richard O’Callaghan (Creator), Chloe Annett (Kochanski) PEARL POLL RANKING: 62nd of 73 overall. 1st of 3 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Discussion thread, Instant Reaction DwarfCast, DwarfCast Commentary (Director’s Cut) Series X STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor DIRECTOR: Doug Naylor CO-PRODUCER: Richard Naylor EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Charles Armitage, Doug Naylor CHANNEL: Dave PRODUCTION COMPANY: Grant Naylor Productions 1. Trojan First Broadcast: Thursday 4th October 2012 IN BRIEF: Rimmer is delighted by the death of his brother. SYNOPSIS: Lister tries to order a tea-stirring machine from a shopping channel, but is put on hold. Meanwhile, the scouters have located a derelict, the Trojan. The crew board it, and receive a distress call from Rimmer’s brother, Howard. Rimmer is dreading seeing his more successful brother, so delays their reunion until he can pass his exams and become an officer. Frustrated by his lack of progress, he has a fit of pique and starts beachballing. His system was clogged with resentment, and needed to be drained. Having run out of time to become an officer, Rimmer elects to simply pretend that he’s the captain of the Trojan, and invites Howard on board to meet his crew, Flight Co-Ordinator Kryten Krytinkski, Navigation Officer Gerald Hampton and Flight Commander David Listerton-Smythe. Howard is so impressed that he has a resentment attack of his own. Once revived, he confesses that he’s not really an officer after all, and is in fact in a vending machine repairman. His crew were all wiped out in a surprise attack, and it turns out that his companion Sim Crawford did it. She holds everybody hostage, and tells them not to move. But Lister’s shopping channel call finally connects, and he reaches for the phone. She shoots, and Howard jumps in the way of Arnold to take the laser fire. Cat jabs Howard’s resentment file into Crawford’s USB port, which causes her to beachball. Howard dies, Rimmer gloats and the shopping channel hang up. GUEST CAST: Mark Dexter (Howard Rimmer), Susan Earl (Sim Crawford), Lucy Newman-Williams (All Droid Jayne), Bryan Bounds (All Droid Bob), Laurence Bouvard, Rupert Degas, Bryan Bounds, Lucy Newman-Williams (All Droid Voices) PEARL POLL RANKING: 42nd of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary 2. Fathers & Suns First Broadcast: Thursday 11th October 2012 IN BRIEF: A racial stereotype discusses racism. SYNOPSIS: Lister receives a Father’s Day card from himself. Meanwhile, Kryten and Rimmer boot up a new mainframe computer, Pree, who uses advanced logic to predict what the crew members want her to do, and how they’ll respond. She helps a drunken Lister to create a video message for his “son”, urging him to buck his ideas up and sort his life out. He also resigned from the ship. As he’s no longer a crew member, Pree forces him into an airlock and flushes him into space. And as there are no longer any living crew members, Pree elects to destroy Red Dwarf by steering it into the nearest sun. The crew try to uninstall her, but she’s booby trapped the ship. Lister returns via the ram scoop, and remembers that he is a registered crew member after all, having previously registered his “son” as Dave Lister Jr. He convinces Pree that because he will eventually shut her down, she should save time by terminating herself straight away, and she promptly disappears in a puff of logic. Oh, and there’s all this other shit about Chinese Whispers, but let’s not get in to that. GUEST CAST: Rebecca Blackstone (Pree), Kerry Shale (Medi-Bot & Taiwan Tony). PEARL POLL RANKING: 47th of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary 3. Lemons First Broadcast: Thursday 18th October 2012 IN BRIEF: Rimmer touches Jesus’s cock. SYNOPSIS: The crew put together a self-assembly rejuvenation shower, designed to make the user younger. Instead, the crew are instead transported back in time, to England in 23AD. They have a remote control to reverse the process, but no battery. Rimmer remembers that batteries can be built with lemons and coppper, so they walk to India in search of lemons. They find the lemons, and also find Jesus. He’s on the run from some Romans, so the Dwarfers help him escape by bringing him back to the future. Back on the ship, Kryten diagnoses that Jesus is suffering from kidney stones. While recovering from the removal, Jesus learns of all the horrible things that will happen in his name, so returns to the past to prevent himself from founding Christianity. The crew head back to change his mind, and Lister ends up calling him a knob and getting into a scrap. But it turns out that this Geordie fellow is in fact Jesus of Caesarea, not Jesus of Nazareth. He lives happily ever after as the inventor of the bag. GUEST CAST: Indira Joshi (Erin), James Baxter (Jesus), Nicholas Richards (Uncle Aaron), Tom Pepper (Man Who May Be Jesus & Judas), Hormuzd Todiwala (Waiter) PEARL POLL RANKING: 35th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary 4. Entangled First Broadcast: Thursday 25th October 2012 IN BRIEF: A woman dies, and Rimmer is disappointed because he doesn’t get to have sex with her. SYNOPSIS: Kryten has been experimenting with the quantum rods from the Trojan, and it causes him and the Cat to become quantum entangled – speaking in unison and becoming influenced by situational coincidence. Meanwhile, Lister comes home after a night on the piss with some BEGGs, and reveals that he has lost Starbug and Rimmer in a poker game. They’ve fitted him with a groinal exploder, so that he can’t flee without paying his debt. The crew head down to the BEGG moon, and the BEGGs all choke to death, coincidentally at the same time as the crew keep saying the word “choke”. The crew use the power of coincidence to track down the makers of the groinal exploder – the Erroneous Reasoning Research Academy, manned by staff who are always wrong about things. They find a female life form in stasis and revive her, but it turns out to be a chimp. The chimp used to be a human, who accidentally got devolved, so they turn her back into a human. She can’t, however, remember how to disarm the bomb. Eventually, the crew figure out that because she’s always wrong, they should do the opposite of what she says, and Lister is saved. She later trips over some health and safety forms from a previously abandoned subplot, and falls out of an airlock. GUEST CAST: Steven Wickham (Begg Chief), Peter Elliot (Chimp), Nik Williams, Jun Matsuura (Chimp Puppeteers), Sydney Stevenson (Professor Edgington), Emma Campbell-Jones (TV Character 1), Nick Barber (TV Character 2) PEARL POLL RANKING: 56th of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary 5. Dear Dave First Broadcast: Thursday 1st November 2012 IN BRIEF: Lister solemnly fucks a vending machine. SYNOPSIS: Lister is depressed about the extinction of the human race, and chats through his problems with Dispenser 23. Meanwhile, the JMC on-board computer wants to know why Rimmer hasn’t turned up for work in three million years. He intends to claim PTSD, so sets about compiling a report on all the ways Lister drives him nuts. Meanwhile, he then challenges Lister to seduce a vending machine. He tries it on with Dispenser 34, who is outraged and accuses him of groping her. Meanwhile, Kryten comes up with a plan to bribe the medical computer to sign Rimmer off sick. He’ll need to siphon off funds from elsewhere in the budget, so sets about removing all the toilet roll. Meanwhile, a post pod arrives. Lister finds a letter from an old girlfriend, Hayley Summers, informing him that she’d been having an affair, is pregnant, and will write to him again when she knows who the father is. Meanwhile, Lister has a row with Dispenser 23 about the earlier flirting/groping incident. They later make up, but while transporting her to another part of the corridor, Lister drops her, and inexplicably gets on top of her to lift her up. Meanwhile, the Cat has just done a big shit, and has a shitty arse. He wipes his shitty arse on Rimmer’s special report. Meanwhile, Lister finds Hayley’s second letter. It turns him into a misogynist. GUEST CAST: Isla Ure (Dispensers 23 & 34) PEARL POLL RANKING: 59th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary 6. The Beginning First Broadcast: Thursday 8th November 2012 IN BRIEF: Rimmer learns he’s an actual bastard. SYNOPSIS: Three million years ago, a young Arnold Rimmer is humiliated by his college lecturer, Lecturer Rimmer. In the present day, the ship is attacked by Hogey the Roguey, who challenges the crew to a duel across time and space, but they’re having none of it. The ship is further attacked by annihilators from a simulant death ship. While a hull breach is plugged by Hogey’s arse, the crew use his molecular destabilising gun to reach Blue Midget, and flee to an asteroid belt. Rimmer is tasked with coming up with a battle plan, but fails to get beyond the timetabling stage. The Cat points out that his lack of aptitude all boils down to his relationship with this father, so Rimmer decides to play a video message that his father left him, with the instruction to play it when he became an officer. He learns that his former lecturer is not his real father – instead, his mother had been sleeping with the gardener. This gives Rimmer a new determination, and he comes up with a plan. Surrounded on all sides by simulants, he stalls for time before inciting them to all fire at once. Lister uses Hogey’s gun to punch holes in Blue Midget, causing the missiles to pass through and blow up the simulant ships instead. The slime goes home to Red Dwarf. GUEST CAST: Richard O’Callaghan (Hogey the Roguey), Gary Cady (Dominator Zlurth), Alex Hardy (Chancellor Wednesday), Colin Hoult (Chancellor Thursday), Simon Treves (Lecturer Rimmer), Taylor James (Big Simulant Advisor), Philip Labey (Young Rimmer), Joanne Gale (Wendy) PEARL POLL RANKING: 33rd of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread, Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, DwarfCast Commentary Series XI STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor DIRECTOR: Doug Naylor PRODUCERS: Richard Naylor, Kerry Waddell EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Lupton, Doug Naylor, Henry Normal CHANNEL: UKTV Play, Dave PRODUCTION COMPANIES: Baby Cow Productions, Grant Naylor Productions 1. Twentica First Broadcast: Thursday 15th September 2016 (UKTV Play), Thursday 22nd September 2016 (Dave) IN BRIEF: Lister’s lack of discretion causes a simulant couple to split up. SYNOPSIS: The crew are apprehended by a bunch of Exponoids – simulants capable of exponentially increasing their power – who are holding a future version of Rimmer hostage. In exchange for his safe return, the crew hand over a salvaged bit of kit that allows the Exponoids to travel back in time. After Rimmer is duly kidnapped and immediately returned, the crew time-surf on their slipstream, and find themselves in a world where the Exponoids have banned science, so that the human race can never develop the technology to stop them. Following a tip-off from a dying toaster smuggler, the crew head to a speakeasy to find an underground scientist, Harmony de Gauthier. She’s been working on a global EMP to wipe out the Exponoids, but she’s only a theoretical scientist, so the crew go and find Albert Einstein to help. Unfortunately, when they get him back to the bar they realise that instead of Einstein, they’ve recruited a bum called Bob The Bum. Nevertheless, he manages to build the EMP just in time to stop the advancing Exponoids, and the crew safely escape. GUEST CAST: Kevin Eldon (4 of 27), Lucie Pohl (Harmony), David Sterne (Einstein Bob), Sam Douglas (Bouncer), Rebecca Blackstone (Big Bang Beryl), Kyle James (Nearly Dead Guy), Suanne Braun (Cpt. Dorothy McCutcheon), David Menkin (Lt. Clarence O’Neal), Alexis Dubus (3 of 63) PEARL POLL RANKING: 46th of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Talking Points, Review, Kevin Eldon interview, Discussion thread (Dave), Live Reaction DwarfCast, Rebecca Blackstone interview, Game Review 2. Samsara First Broadcast: Friday 23rd September 2016 (UKTV Play), Thursday 29th September 2016 (Dave) IN BRIEF: A cheating couple wipe out their own crew so that they can have a shag in peace. SYNOPSIS: The crew receive a distress call from a passing escape pod, the occupants of which are promptly vapourised. They head to the mothership, and discover that the crew died during a ship-wide orgy of sex and violence. Following a series of accidents, the crew find themselves split in to pairs. Lister and Cat have a long conversation about obscure inventions, while Kryten and Rimmer figure out that the ship is equipped with a Karma Drive, which is like a Justice field that punishes immoral behaviour. Turns out the pair from the escape pod were having an affair, and had meddled with the drive to stop it punishing them, but accidentally set it to kill anyone acting with good intentions. The crew escape via the medium of punching each other in the face. GUEST CAST: Dan Tetsell (Green), Maggie Service (Barker), Eddie Bagayawa (Captain Tom Kadri) PEARL POLL RANKING: 51st of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Talking Points, Review, Discussion thread (Dave), Live Reaction DwarfCast, Game Review 3. Give & Take First Broadcast: Friday 30th September 2016 (UKTV Play), Thursday 6th October 2016 (Dave) IN BRIEF: Lister and Kryten trick Cat into consenting to a dangerous medical procedure. SYNOPSIS: Lister is woken up after a two day hangover, because the crew have found a space station to salvage. Rimmer and Kryten discover what they believe is a sophisticated medical droid, but is in fact a snack machine. Meanwhile, Lister and Cat are apprehended by the actual medical droid, who knocks them out and begins to operate on them. They’re rescued by the others, but a pair of kidneys are destroyed in the crossfire, and tests show that Lister is missing his. A plan to genetically alter one of Cat’s kidneys is abandoned when the snack machine proves incapable of performing the procedure, but instead he figures out a way to convert a stasis booth into a portal to the past, which the crew use to go back two days and take the kidneys from the past version of Lister. GUEST CAST: Mark Quartley (Snacky (Voice)), Tobias Wilson (Snacky (Body)), Oliver Mason (Asclepius (Voice)), Jami Reid Quarrell (Asclepius (Body)), Daniel Barker (Lift) PEARL POLL RANKING: 39th of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Talking Points, Review, Discussion thread (Dave), Live Reaction DwarfCast, Game Review 4. Officer Rimmer First Broadcast: Friday 7th October 2016 (UKTV Play), Thursday 13th October 2016 (Dave) IN BRIEF: Rimmer tries to destroy a manned spaceship in peril. SYNOPSIS: Starbug is contacted by the wonky-headed, bio-printed captain of a ship carrying deadly nuclear material, drifting helplessly into an asteroid storm. Rimmer elects to destroy the ship before it gets too close, but his missiles clip the ship’s wing, sending it spinning out of danger. Rimmer’s accidental heroics are rewarded with a promotion to officer, and he immediately segregates the ship into luxurious “officers” and run-down “grunts” areas. He fills his new officers’ club with bio-printed clones of himself, but a printer jam leads to a giant multi-headed Rimmer monster being created. Rimmer can only escape by resigning his officerhood and joining the grunts. The crew shoot the monster and then GUEST CAST: Stephen Critchlow (Captain Herring), Penelope Freeman (Lifts / Gosh Lady), Daniel Barker (Croquet Commentator) PEARL POLL RANKING: 44th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Talking Points, Review, Discussion thread (Dave), Live Reaction DwarfCast, Game Review 5. Krysis First Broadcast: Thursday 13th October 2016 (UKTV Play, albeit accidentally), Thursday 20th October 2016 (Dave) IN BRIEF: What a very strange day. SYNOPSIS: Kryten has become depressed upon reaching the mid-point of his estimated lifetime, and got himself a shiny new red suit to compensate. Lister tries to snap him out of his funk by finding a fellow mechanoid, but this backfires when they meet Butler, who’s better than Kryten at absolutely everything, despite being an earlier model. After an encounter with a GELF who turns out to be an old chum of Butler’s, the crew come across an abandoned research station dedicated to communicating with the universe itself. Kryten and The Universe chat through his issues, which gives The Universe a mid-life crisis of its own. Nevertheless, Kryten is pleased to have got one over Butler, until it transpires that it was him who set the whole thing up in the first place. GUEST CAST: Dominic Coleman (Butler), Robert Nairne (Gelf Chief), Daniel Barker (The Universe) PEARL POLL RANKING: 50th of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Talking Points, Review, Discussion thread (Dave), Live Reaction DwarfCast 6. Can of Worms First Broadcast: Friday 21st October 2016 (UKTV Play), Thursday 27th October 2016 (Dave) IN BRIEF: The Cat appears in bed with two women whose combined age is lower than his. SYNOPSIS: The crew board a doomed prison transport ship to rescue the unknown prisoner from the clutches of her evil Mercenoid guard. The prisoner is a Cat woman, who they bring back to Red Dwarf for the Cat to have his way with. But it turns out that she is in fact a Polymorph, and the Cat is now pregnant with Polymorph babies. After they’re born, the hormone-crazed Cat prevents the others from flushing them into space, and hides them in the diesel decks. In order to move among them undetected, Lister has his emotions removed, which turns him into a ruthless killer. One by one, the Polymorphs all disguise themselves as duplicates of the crew, and nobody knows who’s who, except the Cat, who’s feeling better now, so he shoots all his children dead. GUEST CAST: Bentley Kalu (Mercenoid), Dominique Moore (Ankita), Daniel Barker (Alien Natural History Presenter), Maria Yarjah (Cat Lady 1), Shanice Stewart-Jones (Cat Lady 2) PEARL POLL RANKING: 57th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Talking Points, Review, Discussion thread (Dave), Live Reaction DwarfCast Series XII STARRING: Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Doug Naylor DIRECTOR: Doug Naylor PRODUCERS: Richard Naylor, Kerry Waddell EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Simon Lupton, Doug Naylor, Henry Normal CHANNEL: UKTV Play, Dave PRODUCTION COMPANIES: Baby Cow Productions, Grant Naylor Productions 1. Cured First Broadcast: Thursday 5th October 2017 (UKTV Play), Thursday 12th October 2017 (Dave) IN BRIEF: Lister befriends Adolf Hitler. SYNOPSIS: The crew come across yet another space station, this one dedicated to finding a cure for evil and staffed by the eccentric Professor Telford. He lives with genetically-engineered clones of Hitler, Messalina, Stalin and Vlad the Impaler, all of whom have had their evil genes removed. Lister befriends and jams with Hitler, but soon the crew discover that they’ve all been drugged, and wake up in extreme peril. They escape and track down the culprits, running a psychopath test to see which of the evil historical characters remains uncured. Turns out that Professor Telford was the baddy all along, and the others are all just sophisticated robots. Luckily, the Cat is a psychopath too, so he shoots Telford in the face. GUEST CAST: Adrian Lukis (Professor Telford), Ryan Gage (Hitler), Chloe Hawkins (Messalina), Callum Coates (Stalin), Philippe Spall (Vlad the Impaler) PEARL POLL RANKING: 49th of 73 overall. 4th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, Discussion thread (Dave) 2. Siliconia First Broadcast: Thursday 12th October 2017 (UKTV Play), Thursday 19th October 2017 (Dave) IN BRIEF: The One Where Everyone’s Kryten. SYNOPSIS: Starbug is kidnapped by the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front, a militant mechanoid collective, dedicated to the fight for equality. Kryten is indoctrinated into their ways, while the others are all converted into mechanoids as punishment for their enslavement of Kryten. They try to escape, but are hampered by their new programming overwriting their previous personalities. When they find themselves in the bowels of the ship, they discover a sub-class of mechanoids who are subservient to later models. Along with an impassioned speech from Lister, this convinces Kryten that he belongs with our crew after all, but as punishment for his dissent he must take on Lister in a mop-based gladiatorial combat. Lister wins, but before Kryten can be jettisoned into space, a Divadroid update station – the fabled Siliconia of the title – turns up and upgrades everyone, and the crew escape in the confusion. GUEST CAST: Richard Glover (Wind), Laura Checkley (Areto), James Buckley (Rusty), Marcus Garvey (Chairbot Excalibur), Naomi Sheldon (Eagle), Nick Read (Incense) PEARL POLL RANKING: 52nd of 73 overall. 5th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, Discussion thread (Dave) 3. Timewave First Broadcast: Thursday 19th October 2017 (UKTV Play), Thursday 26th October 2017 (Dave) IN BRIEF: The Cat bodyshames an imaginary woman. SYNOPSIS: A bafflingly eponymous space phenomenon washes up a 24th Century ship with faster-than-light capabilities, and sets it into the path of the newly discovered Planet Rimmer. The crew board the ship to help, where they’re greeted by the cross-dressing captain, Ziggy, who explains that in their society, all criticism is illegal. After a bad experience in a diner, the crew are tracked down and arrested by the criticism cops. They escape, but are apprehended by Ziggy who attempts to drain them of their critical faculties by removing their inner critics. Rimmer’s inner critic proves too powerful to be contained, but is defeated by some well-delivered criticism, which makes Ziggy realise that his entire philosophy is deeply flawed. GUEST CAST: Johnny Vegas (Crit Cop), Jamie Chapman (Ziggy), Paul Leonard (Guru), Amrita Acharia (Waitress Greta), Joe Sims (Tutt Johnson) PEARL POLL RANKING: 70th of 73 overall. 6th of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, Discussion thread (Dave) 4. Mechocracy First Broadcast: Thursday 26th October 2017 (UKTV Play), Thursday 2nd November 2017 (Dave) IN BRIEF: Lister imprisons his defeated political opponent in the garbage hold. SYNOPSIS: After Lister accidentally downloads a virus on to Red Dwarf’s hard drive, the crew are forced to abandon ship. When the vending machines discover they are to be left behind, they band together to defeat the virus, but with the emergency over they go on strike in protest at their treatment. Both Kryten and Rimmer think they can solve the dispute, so an election is called to determine which of them will become Machine President, with Lister and Cat as their respective running mates. After an ill-tempered campaign, the results are neck-and-neck, so Lister reboots Talkie Toaster to cast the deciding vote. Kryten wins the election, the machines return to work, and Rimmer is locked in a room with Talkie. GUEST CAST: Daniel Barker (Dispensing Machine 402 & Other Voices), Penelope Freeman (Dispensing Machine 403), Olivier Maltman (Other Dispensing Machines), David Ross (Talkie Toaster) PEARL POLL RANKING: 43rd of 73 overall. 3rd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, Discussion thread (Dave) 5. M-Corp First Broadcast: Thursday 2nd November 2017 (UKTV Play), Thursday 9th November 2017 (Dave) IN BRIEF: Lister celebrates his birthday by having a massive heart attack. SYNOPSIS: Red Dwarf is given a long-overdue software update, which brings with it the news that JMC has been taken over by M-Corp, the largest multi-national conglomerate in the universe. The software includes a perception filter, which causes all non M-Corp products and personnel to become invisible to Lister. Depressed by the loneliness this brings, Lister heads to M-Corp’s virtual reality headquarters, where he’s tricked into buying friends and commodities, paid for in time. The crew track down the now extremely aged Lister, and rescue him by buying a virus that fixes everything. GUEST CAST: Helen George (Aniter), Ian Boldsworth (Steve), Oliver Maltman (Chippy), Phil Adele (Jim) PEARL POLL RANKING: 38th of 73 overall. 2nd of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, Discussion thread (Dave) 6. Skipper First Broadcast: Thursday 9th November 2017 (UKTV Play), Thursday 16th November 2017 (Dave) IN BRIEF: Lister is interfered with by a giant rat. SYNOPSIS: The crew experience a bizarre space-time phenomenon whereby every time they make a decision, they immediately find themselves enacting the opposite choice to the one they made. This is a result of an experiment Kryten has been carrying out to build a device capable of skipping between dimensions. With the phenomenon fixed, Rimmer sets off with the device in search of a universe where he’s less of a loser. He tries all sorts of dimensions, bumping into Holly, Hollister and a giant rat in the process, but can’t find one that’s just right. He eventually finds a dimension in which he’s alive, married with children, an officer and within spitting distance of Earth, but he can’t cope with the fact that Lister is the incredibly rich and successful captain of the ship, and heads back home to play poker. GUEST CAST: Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Richard Brimblecombe (Bradley), Tina Harris (Parkinson), Hayley-Marie Axe (Calm Woman (Voice)) PEARL POLL RANKING: 31st of 73 overall. 1st of 6 in series. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Set Report, Discussion thread (UKTV Play), Live Instant Reaction DwarfCast, Review, Discussion thread (Dave), Mac McDonald interview Lost Episodes There have been several instances of Rob and/or Doug dropping episodes between the planning and production stages, for either budgetary or editorial reasons. There’s an out-dated summary here. Since that article was published, several unused scripts have come to life on DVD, performed by Chris Barrie, storyboarded by Neil Maguire and directed by Andrew Ellard. All of the below are written by Rob Grant & Doug Naylor, except Identity Within which is by John McKay. Identity Within Series VII DVD (2005) IN BRIEF: Cat kills a member of his own species on a whim. SYNOPSIS: The Cat is ill. An evolutionary trait of his species is that the male is infected with a toxin, and the antidote can only be found in the female’s vagina. The crew search for a female cat, and trace one to a GELF planet populated by the Brfrweeno tribe, who eat cat people. Cat finds Ora, a female cat who was captured when her platoon was betrayed, and is to be sold at auction. She mocks his inability to rescue her, pouring scorn on his catty credentials. He blames Lister for domesticating him. When another attempted rescue fails, Lister hatches a plan to win enough money to buy Ora by cheating at pontoon. But he gets pissed, and loses Starbug to a GELF called Zural, who also has his eyes on Ora. Zural outbids the Cat at the auction and takes Ora, before Cat challenges him to a duel and wins. Zural reveals that he’s actually a cat person in disguise, and was the commander of Ora’s platoon. Cat kills Zural on a whim, deducing that he was the platoon’s traitor, despite the lack of any evidence. Ora falls in love with him, they fuck, then he dumps her. Bodysnatcher The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007) IN BRIEF: Lister tries to shoot himself with a flare gun. SYNOPSIS: Rimmer is failing to cope with his own death. One day, Lister wakes up to discover he’s gone completely bald. He thinks it’s fallen out, but it’s actually been shaved off in his sleep. The next night, he catches a skutter trying to remove his eyebrows. Rimmer is behind this, in an attempt to create an artificial body for himself. Lister’s not having any of it, and turns Rimmer off. He requests Kochanski’s hologram, but discovers that Rimmer has hidden all but two personality discs – his own, and Lister’s. Lister and Holo-Lister live together for a few days, but living with himself has driven Lister potty. He fires a flare gun as his hologrammatic self, setting fire to the bunk room. He searches for the fire extinguisher, but can’t find it – he needs Rimmer to tell him where it is, so gets Holly to bring him back. Rimmer tells him the fire extinguisher is in the fridge, as he’d previously alphabetised the room. With the fire out and Lister safe, the pair agree to put their differences aside. Dad The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007) Originally intended to open Series III, the idea was abandoned before the script was completed. SYNOPSIS: A heavily pregnant Lister is contending with engorged nipples and craving raw liver and banana pizza. When he goes into labour, Cat and Rimmer pace frantically while Kryten performs the operation. It’s a boy. Six weeks on, Rimmer is delighted to have a baby on board, but Lister is struggling to cope with the demands of parenthood. The baby doesn’t yet have a name, and when Rimmer suggests Lister names him after his father, he tells the story of how he was abandoned under a pool table. Then Rimmer tells his story about the Samaritans, and that’s as far as Rob and Doug got. Infinity Patrol The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007) Adapted from an old Dave Hollins sketch. SYNOPSIS: Two members of the mysterious Infinity Patrol arrive on board, and interrogate the crew about their origins. When Rimmer tells them they’re from the 22nd century, they ask if he knows a guy called Bill. He was from the 22nd century. Eventually, they explain that Infinity Patrol is an organisation that protects the human race by fixing paradoxes and providing technology advancement, such as the invention of deely-boppers. Lister’s Father The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007) A scene cut from Timeslides at script stage. SYNOPSIS: Lister goes back to the Aigburth Arms, and meets a man who looks similar to himself, but older. When Lister says he wants a word, the man is cagey, believing Lister to be an enforcer for some local gangster or other. Instead, he asks why he left him under a pool table. He explains that he couldn’t afford to have him aborted. Rimmer’s Dummy The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007) A short, miscellaneous lost scene. SYNOPSIS: Lister finds a six-breasted dummy in Rimmer’s locker, wearing three bras. It’s for practicing taking them off with one hand. TV Specials Things that feature the Red Dwarf characters, or that are about Red Dwarf, that have been on telly, but that aren’t episodes. The Best Ever Red Dwarf First Broadcast: 22nd December 1995 (BBC 2) IN BRIEF: Lister likes curry. SYNOPSIS: A survey was carried out to discover the nation’s favourite episode of Red Dwarf, of the 36 than had been broadcast thus far. The winner was repeated on BBC 2, with a special introduction from Craig as Lister. He’s pissed and in a Santa hat, reading the results of the poll off the back of a naan bread. 5th: Backwards. 4th: Polymorph, 3rd: Gunmen of the Apocalypse, 2nd: Quarantine… but Lister accidentally eats the relevant bit of naan bread before he gets to first place. Spoilers: it’s Back To Reality. Red Dwarf Night First Broadcast: Saturday 14th February 1998 (BBC 2) IN BRIEF: Patrick Stewart reads from an autocue. SYNOPSIS: To celebrate the day before the tenth anniversary of Red Dwarf, BBC 2 dedicated a whole evening of programming to the show, at a time when the audience was still one that the BBC wanted to attract. The schedule consisted of Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg, Smeg Ups, Universe Challenge, Red Dwarf A-Z (more on all those below) and a repeat of Gunmen of the Apocalypse. There were also special links to introduce each programme, hosted by Patrick Stewart, cheerfully reading the script for the first time as it whizzed past his eyes in front of the camera lens. The whole thing was rounded off by a special set of BBC 2 symbols, telling the serialised story of a love affair between the ‘2’ logo and a skutter. Can’t Smeg, Won’t Smeg First Broadcast: Saturday 14th Februrary 1998 (BBC 2) IN BRIEF: Lister eats the raw ingredients of a curry until he is sick. SYNOPSIS: Ainsley Harriot beams on board Starbug to present a special edition of Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook. He explains that he was once a GELF, which raises some interesting questions about the nature of canonicity, then introduces the teams – Kryten and Lister vs Rimmer and Cat. However, Cat isn’t happy about being on a team with Rimmer, so he buggers off. Duane Dibbley is then inexplicably disovered in the waste disposal unit, and takes Cat’s place. Kochanski will be the taste tester, so she has to stand in the background looking nervous for twenty minutes. Ainsley guides the two teams through the production of a chicken curry with rice. During the process, Duane demonstrates remarkable prowess for chopping cucumbers, Kryten uses his groinal attachment to hoover up the mess, and Rimmer distracts Ainsley while Duane steals his rice. In the blind taste test, Kryten and Lister’s curry makes Kochanski throw up, so Rimmer and Duane are declared the winners. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Commentary The Smeg Ups First Broadcast: Saturday 14th February 1998 (BBC 2) IN BRIEF: Noel Edmonds is airbrushed from history. SYNOPSIS: A collection of bloopers covering the first seven series of the show. All the fluffs had previously been seen on VHS (see below), but the programme featured a specially shot title sequence, with Lister falling off his harness whilst painting the ship, and a new set of links featuring Kryten, Lister and Rimmer. Having compiled half an hour’s worth of out-takes, the trio send the tape back in time to a place where nobody will watch it – Channel 5. The full-length-but-sans-claymation version of Tongue Tied plays us out. Universe Challenge First Broadcast: Saturday 14th February (BBC 2) IN BRIEF: Danny John-Jules says his name and nothing else. SYNOPSIS: Jeremy Paxman hosts another edition of popular TV quiz University Challenge. That is until Bamber Gascoigne shoots him with a bazookoid, and proceeds to host a Red Dwarf quiz between the cast and the fans. The teams are Robert Llewellyn, Danny John-Jules, Chris Barrie (captain), Chloe Annett and Craig Charles vs Daryl Ball, Kayleigh Nichols, Steev Rogers (captain), Pip Swallow and Sharon Burnett. As well as questions about Space Corps Directives, famous quotes and snogging, there’s a picture round based on identifying the cast’s baby photos, and a clips round featuring performances by the cast before the were famous. These include Danny in Scum, Chris impersonating Richie Benaud on The David Essex Showcase and Robert performing with The Joeys. In the end, (spoilers) the fans win 295-280, although through the magic of editing, the scores given bear little resemblance to the content of the show. Red Dwarf A-Z First Broadcast: Saturday 14th February 1998 (BBC 2) IN BRIEF: Patrick Stewart threatens to call his lawyer. SYNOPSIS: A talking-head/clip show, taking in 26 differently initialed aspects of Red Dwarf canon and fandom. A combination of cast/crew interviews, classic clips, convention footage, celebrity testimonials and little comedy sketches that don’t quite work. Contributors include Professor Stephen Hawking, Terry Pratchett, Sir Patrick Moore, Mr Blobby, Eternal, Garry Bushell and some Daleks. The origin of such elements of Red Dwarf folklore as Paul Jackson saying “don’t write sci-fi sit-coms”, Norman Lovett demanding his ball back, and Patrick Stewart reading a fictional story about lawyers. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Full breakdown Children in Need First Broadcast: 20th November 1998 (BBC 1) IN BRIEF: Terry Wogan is mercilessly lampooned. SYNOPSIS: On board Blue Midget, Holly shows the crew a three million year old broadcast he’s unearthed. It’s Terry Wogan and Gabby Roslin presenting the BBC’s annual telethon Children in Need. They take the piss out of Wogan for a bit, and are amazed at the size of 20th century cheques. They then decide to help out by recording their own appeal and sending it back in time. The crew feel good about themselves, so Rimmer decides to help out humanity even further by smashing Lister’s guitar. This all takes place on the Series VIII version of Blue Midget, and so marks the first time that it was seen on screen. The cast are all wearing their costumes from Back In The Red (Part Three), except for Rimmer, who’s wearing his blue hard-light hologram uniform. As such, this sketch’s position in the continuity of the series is questionable at best. Comedy Connections – Red Dwarf First Broadcast: Monday 30th August 2004 (BBC 1) IN BRIEF: Several cast members pour scorn on their non-Red Dwarf body of work. SYNOPSIS: The eighth episode of the second series of the BBC 1 documentary strand, tracing the history of famous comedy shows, and that of its key contributors. Narrated by Julia Sawalha, with interviews from the core cast, along with Rob, Doug, Ed Bye and Paul Jackson. Features clips from: A Kick Up The Eighties, Carrott’s Lib, Spitting Image, Saturday Live, Wogan, Happy Families, Six Fifty-Five, The Corner House, I, Lovett, The Brittas Empire, Jonathan Creek, Maid Marian and her Merry Men, Scrapheap Challenge and Robot Wars. Oh, and Red Dwarf. The Making of Back To Earth First Broadcast: Sunday 12th April 2009 (Dave) IN BRIEF: Helen Norman and Jo Howard perv over Danny’s arse. SYNOPSIS: Shown immediately after the broadcast of Back To Earth (Part Three), this is a DVD-style documentary but on actual telly, and with the benefit of having been made simultaneously with the main production. We follow the cast and crew on location in Weatherfield, as well as seeing the green-screen techniques used for the studio sequences, the multitude of CGI work, and catch up with various members of the guest cast. Narrated and directed by Andrew Ellard, shot and edited by Nathan Cubitt and featuring Chris, Craig, Danny, Robert, Dean Brooks, Howard Burden, Marc Cass, Simon Gregson, Jo Howard, Michelle Keegan, Alex Lemonis, Doug Naylor, Helen Norman, Steve Register, Mike Seymour, Sophie Winkleman and Richard Woo. Video/DVD Specials Every episode from the first eight series was released on VHS between 1991 and 1999, and again on DVD between 2002 and 2006. From Back To Earth onwards, every series in the Dave era has been released on DVD and Bluray soon after broadcast, and there’s also been several boxsets and re-releases over the years. However, this section concerns the various home video productions other than the regular series releases. Tongue Tied: The Video VHS, 1993 SYNOPSIS: Whilst not an official Grant Naylor/BBC sanctioned release, it must be included here as it’s too awful to gloss over. A film studio cleaner called Leo Davis is working the night shift when a black cat comes in and makes itself at home. Together, they watch the latest episode of popular sci-fi sitcom Red Dwarf. Leo falls asleep, and is rudely awoken by his boss Mr Walker, who is showing a director called Andy De Byemmony and a model/actress called Kit around the studio. He is then visited by the spirit of Elvis Presley, who advises him that he can get the girl if he learns to sing. He promptly falls back to sleep, and dreams that he is The Cat, performing a new version of Tongue Tied, with a cast of backing dancers, the aforementioned Kit, and featuring cameos from Duane Dibbley, Lister, Jim Reaper (presumably), Elvis, both Hollies, Queeg and Rimmer’s disembodied head. He wakes up again, and is visited by Judge Dredd, who tells him to man up. They are then interrupted by the reggae artist Judge Dread, and the two Judges argue about naming rights. Leo is awoken by Mr Walker again, but this time manages to arrange a date with Kit. He is then visited by two Yardies, Mega and Screwface, who advise him to take her to a ragga dance. The next day, Andy is directing a music video for the ragga artist Tabby Ranks, performing a remix of Tongue Tied. After the video wraps, Kit agrees to go boggling with Leo… but it was all a dream. Again. He is woken once more by Mr Walker et al. After taking the piss out of him for a while, they leave, but Kit comes back and invites him out for a rave. Mr Walker threatens to fire him, but Leo quits. Then a midget in a red t-shirt comes in and demands his cat back. Leo and Kit go for a night on the town, looking at cat-related things and dancing to a shit remix of Tongue Tied. This is followed by a ten minute making of piece, introduced by Jane Killick uncomfortably trying to keep hold of a cat, and featuring lots of good pissing about between various members of the Red Dwarf cast. The credits roll over another shit remix. Smeg Ups VHS, 1994 SYNOPSIS: A collection of out-takes, taken mostly from Series IV-VI, and hosted by Robert Llewellyn as Kryten. The links are in the guise of black box recording, and also feature a competition to win a walk-on part in Series VII and The 10 Most Asked Questions About Red Dwarf. The tape also features the deleted original ending from Out of Time. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Article in defence of the tapes, DVD re-issue review, Links cut from the DVD. Smeg Outs VHS, 1995 SYNOPSIS: Another collection of out-takes, taken mostly from Series 1-III, and hosted by Robert Llewellyn as Kryten. This time, he’s also joined briefly by Craig Charles as Lister, and by Spare Head Three. As well as another competition (again offering a part in Series VII and also a date with Spare Head Three), and another run-down of The 10 Most Asked Questions About Red Dwarf, there’s also footage from Dimension Jump ’95, including Robert talking about Red Dwarf USA, Norman Lovett doing stand-up and Craig Charles humiliating a small child. Snippets of Tongue Tied are scattered throughout, and the tape ends with the full-length version of the video, with claymation inserts. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Article in defence of the tapes, DVD re-issue review, Links cut from the DVD. Six of the Best VHS/CD, 1997 SYNOPSIS: A lovely big red boxset, with a Starbug hologram on the spine. Inside, another Starbug hologram, and two tapes, containing an episode each from the first six series – Future Echoes, Queeg, Polymorph, Dimension Jump, Back To Reality and Gunmen of the Apocalypse. The highlight, though, is the bonus CD, featuring an exclusive and luxuriously long discussion between Rob Grant, Doug Naylor and Ed Bye, covering the episodes featured and the genesis of the show, along with plenty of behind-the-scenes anecdotes and discussion of contemporary reviews. The conversation was later chopped up and dotted across the first six DVD sets, with animated renditions of the participants (pictured). Xtended VHS, 1997 SYNOPSIS: Robert Llewellyn returns as Kryten once more to present another special video release. Three episodes from Series VII – Tikka To Ride, Ouroboros and Duct Soup – are presented in “Xtended” form, with deleted scenes reinstated, and no laugh track. Additionally, an extra scene was shot specially for the end of Tikka To Ride, in which Rimmer traps Lister in Starbug’s rear section and then detaches it from the rest of the ship. Also included are a selection of Smeg Ups from Series VII, and an extended version of the Rimmer Munchkin Song from Blue, with an extra final verse. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Xtended Revisited series Re-Mastered VHS, 1998 SYNOPSIS: As part of Red Dwarf‘s tenth anniversary celebrations, and with foreign sales in mind, Doug Naylor and Ed Bye set about reversioning the first three series of the show, to introduce a consistent look throughout. Unfortunately, that look was consistently shit. The video was treated with a film effect, and the original visual effects were replaced by new CGI. Norman Lovett was brought in to re-record some of his Holly lines, which were dropped in haphazardly thoughout. UK-centric references were removed or replaced, several scenes were cut or trimmed to keep the running time down, and some of Howard Goodall’s score was replaced by library music. Among the more egregious changes were the addition of an epilogue to Polymorph, the removal of the black card/white card sub-plot from Balance of Power and a skutter whizzing past camera towards the start of The End. The episodes were all televised over the course of 1998 and 1999, and for a few years became the default version for repeat runs and clip shows. However, the majority of the episodes premiered on video, released on six tapes over the course of eight weeks in February-April 1998. The one good thing about the project was the cover art by Mark Wilkinson – six individual designs that linked up to form an image across the spines. Despite the videos promising that Series IV-VI Re-Mastered would be coming soon, the project was thankfully shelved. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Low & High: Remastered, Ancient article listing our grievances, List of changes made to The End, Re-Mastered Drinking Game, Defence of Re-Mastered by guest Gavin Hodgson, White Hole Re-Mastered Beat The Geek DVD, 2006 SYNOPSIS: An interactive DVD game (remember those?) in the form of a Red Dwarf quiz. Featuring some lovely graphics, most of which were originally menus from the main DVD range, and a huge number of links from Norman Lovett and Hattie Hayridge as the two Hollies. Playing alone, against a friend or in teams, the viewer first selects a difficulty level – “Viewer” for casual fans, “Geek” for the likes of us, or “General Knowledge”, for people with no interest in Red Dwarf whatsoever. Questions range from multiple-choice trivia, picture rounds, observation rounds featuring clips from the show, and a game involving putting stills from an episode in the order they appear. Throughout, one or more of the Hollies will congratulate you for right answers and admonish you for wrong ones, sometimes with the inclusion of silly hats or wigs. A noble effort, and the Holly links are very good, but the very nature of interactive DVD games makes for a frustrating experience. Also included are a selection of Dwarf themed remote-bashing mini-games, but these too suffer from the constraints of the medium. Also included for purchasers, however, was access to Geek Chase, an online treasure hunt game that was arguably the best thing about the project. Players hunt for clues across a tonne of specially made websites, designed and written to be part of the Red Dwarf universe, with a £5,000 grand prize. With clever tricks like hiding clues in the source code, and websites that only became active at certain times of the day, it really was a lot of fun, and can still be accessed here. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: DwarfCast Playalong/Review, Written Review The Bodysnatcher Collection DVD, 2007 SYNOPSIS: Following the release of Series VIII on DVD in 2006, the only major thing left to be issued on shiny disc was the Re-Mastered series. Excellently, Grant Naylor Productions used the release as an excuse to do all the things they weren’t able to do over the course of the main DVD range, such as making full episode-by-episode documentaries for Series 1 and 2 – a feature that had only started with Series III. More and more extras were added, to the extent that the Re-Mastered element was entirely brushed to one side with the announcement of Bodysnatcher, a production of a long-lost script from Series 1, after which the box-set was eventually renamed. Other bonus bits and bobs included commentaries from Rob Grant, Doug Naylor and Ed Bye, a documentary on the Re-Mastered project and The End: The Original Assembly (pictured) – a re-edit of the first episode composed purely from footage shot as part of the initial studio recording. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Review Just The Smegs DVD, 2007 SYNOPSIS: As a companion to the Just The Shows range of re-releases – which funnily enough contained just the shows, and not the extras – this was a DVD re-issue of both Smeg Ups and Smeg Outs. Also included are the collection of Series VII Smeg Ups from Xtended, and a set of Smeg Ups from Series VIII, initially released as extras on the original VHS release of the series. Unfortunately, a few links were cut from the original VHS versions, mostly concerning competitions and merchandise details that had long since expired. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Extensive review, Article in defence of the original tapes, Links cut from the DVD. Other Appearances That’s pretty much all the major stuff covered, but there have been several occasions over the years when the Red Dwarf crew have made minor appearances elsewhere in the media. Wherever the show is broadcast, you can expect to see the characters in trailers, idents and continuity, be they introductions and promos for brand new episodes on Dave, voice-overs advertisting the latest merchandise, or specially-recorded messages for PBS stations in the USA, a large collection of which can be found on the Series VIII DVD. Detailed below are appearances that don’t fall under that banner – the occasions when original Red Dwarf material has featured as part of a different programme, or released online. We’re only looking at instances of the characters appearing, as it’s impossible to keep track of every single cast interview, clip show appearance or behind-the-scenes social media post. Sadly rendered ineligible by this criteria is the spectacular (for all the wrong reasons) Vindalunar event to promote the Series X launch date, but our live blog from the time should satisfy your curiosity. Smash Hits Poll Winners’ Party First Broadcast: Sunday 30th October 1988 (BBC 1) SYNOPSIS: The Poll Winners’ Party was an annual music awards show aimed at teens and younger viewers, spun off from Smash Hits magazine and running from 1988 to 2005. Just under three weeks after the conclusion of Red Dwarf Series 2, the Cat made an appearance at the very first ceremony, broadcast live from the Royal Albert Hall on BBC 1. Dressed in his golden spacesuit from Kryten, he was there to collect Dirty Dancing‘s Best Film award from host Phillip Schofield, on behalf of the absent Patrick Swayze. You know, Cat, Patrick Swayze, that whole connection there. Despite vowing the keep the award safe for Swayze, he accidentally breaks it into three pieces in front of Schofield’s astonished face, before sheepishly taking his leave. Comic Relief – Red Nose Day ’91 First Broadcast: Friday 15th March 1991 (BBC 1) SYNOPSIS: For their first contribution to the BBC’s bi-annual comedy-themed telethon, our heroes convene on the set of DNA to appeal for donations. In unison, they say “give us your smegging money, you smegging smegheads”, then clap and stick out their left hands. This was later included as an Easter Egg on the Series IV DVD, as an unedited clip from the rushes, including a bit of a rehearsal and a floor manager getting slightly irate. Amnesty International’s Big 30 First Broadcast: Saturday 28th December 1991 (ITV) SYNOPSIS: Similar to the above, a message was recorded for the Amnesty International’s Big 30 TV special, with the cast wishing the organisation a “happy three million and thirtieth birthday”. Judging by the Cat’s jacket, this was shot during production of Back To Reality, but broadcast some three months in advance. This very brief contribution appeared alongside similar messages from Drop The Dead Donkey and Mike Smash, while the show itself was hosted by Jonathan Ross, Alexei Sayle, Paula Yates and Cathy McGowan, and featured Ben Elton, Lenny Henry, Steve Coogan, Julian Clary, Frank Skinner, Paul Merton, Trevor and Simon, and Vic Reeves, with music from Spinal Tap, Dave Stewart, Seal, Tom Jones, Morrissey, EMF, Jason Donovan, Kim Wilde, Rick Astley, Daryl Hall and Lisa Stansfield. Comic Relief – Bohemian Rhapsody First Broadcast: Friday 12th March 1993 (BBC 1) SYNOPSIS: Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten (or Chris, Craig, Danny and Robert) sit in Starbug’s cockpit and mime along to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. This is intercut with people from other 1993 TV shows singing along, and there’d probably have been more Dwarf in the mix if they’d have got the memo. This was the first televised glimpse of the Series VI set and costumes. Also, Kryten’s nose is missing, having been pulled off by Craig, so Robert’s actual nose is painted red. Over TV shows/personalities featured include: Birds of a Feather, Noel’s House Party, Going Live, Ian McGaskill, Fry and Laurie’s Jeeves & Wooster, Nicholas Witchell, Family Affairs, The Word, That’s Life, Drop The Dead Donkey, Patrick Moore, Trev & Simon, London’s Burning, Edd The Duck, Anne & Nick, Smashie & Nicey, Brookside, Blue Peter, Emmerdale, Robbie Coltrane, The Big Breakfast, Ruby Wax, Jill Dando, Jonathan Ross and Anne Robinson. BBC: Serious About Comedy Broadcast: Late 1999 / Early 2000 (BBC) SYNOPSIS: At around the turn of the century, the BBC commissioned two extended promos, showcasing the stars of its current comedy output, alongside a few of its classics, as they combine through the magic of editing to collaborate on telling longform jokes. Red Dwarf had already made its last series for the BBC some months earlier, but they weren’t to know that at the time, and so Chris Barrie and Craig Charles took their places as Rimmer and Lister, wearing their Series VIII prisoner costumes, sitting in front of a chess board in a strange, vaguely sci-fi looking location that’s almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a Red Dwarf set. The first of these promos, entitled Shaggy Dog Story was first broadcast on December 27th 1999, and concerned a horse signing for a village cricket team. Sadly, the Dwarfers’ contribution was limited to five words – “nobody knows” and “but he survives”. Appearing alongside them were characters from The Fast Show, One Foot in the Grave, Harry Enfield & Chums, Open All Hours, Men Behaving Badly, The League of Gentlemen, As Time Goes By, The Royle Family, Stella Street, Big Train, dinnerladies, My Hero, Goodness Gracious Me, Last of the Summer Wine, Perfect World, 2 point 4 children and The Vicar of Dibley with Ronnie Corbett, June Whitfield, Stephen Fry, Spike Milligan, French & Saunders, Angus Deayton, Jack Dee, Alan Davies and John Cleese as themselves. A second promo, Mammals vs Insects, debuted on 4th January 2000, but the poor Red Dwarf contingent didn’t get a look in on that occasion. message from Kryten First published: Monday 23rd March 2009 (YouTube) SYNOPSIS: In the build-up to Red Dwarf‘s long-awaited return in Back To Earth, Robert Llewellyn released a short video on his YouTube channel, in character as Kryten, two and a half weeks ahead of broadcast. Shot on greenscreen and in full costume and mask, Kryten rather aptly breaks the fourth wall to inform viewers that the show will air on April 10th on Dave, and will be released on DVD soon afterwards, complete with a gag about leaving the discs scattered around that echoes a similar line in Part Two. Along the way, he affectionately praises the quaint technology of “Your Tube”, mispronouces the word “message” and nearly corpses, and has a most un-mechanoid-like coughing fit. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Contemporary news article Proof of life on Mars? First published: Wednesday 1st April 2009 (YouTube / BBC News) SYNOPSIS: With promotion of Back To Earth in full swing, and the calendar ticking over to the first of April, a video entitled Life on Mars? appeared on a YouTube channel called “lowestof169”. Purporting to be found footage from the European Space Consortium, it appeared to show empty lager cans and takeaway detritus on the surface of Mars. The video also appeared, rather incongrously, on the BBC News website, along with a link to www.listerscominghome.co.uk, a now defunct promotional site run by Dave. Later that day, a second video emerged on both YouTube and BBC News, this one entitled Confirmation of life on Mars. In the same location, Cat turns up and taps the camera, informs any watching humans that they left their Beagle lander lying around, and then sniffs around for something to eat. We then see a Mount Rushmore style carving in the landscape, depicting our four main characters, before a caption informs us that there is life on Mars, and it’s on its way to Earth. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Contemporary news article Kryten’s Red Dwarf X message First published: Friday 27th July 2012 (YouTube) SYNOPSIS: More than three years on from his last message, Kryten returns to bobbyllew’s YouTube, this time on the actual set of Red Dwarf X, just over two months ahead of the series’ first broadcast. Hastily shot between takes and entirely unedited, the video starts with Robert preparing for the take, telling the cameraman that he’ll keep his hands out of shot. Kryten is here to confirm that rumours of a new series are true, and tell us that he and the crew have been on many adventures and one or two nice picnics. Before he can say much more, he’s interrupted by a bell calling the cast back to work, and quickly dashes off. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Contemporary news article YouTube Geek Week First published: Sunday 4th – Saturday 10th August 2013 (YouTube) SYNOPSIS: Kryten returns to YouTube, but in a much more substantial and official way, as the host of YouTube Geek Week, a seven day event on the popular video-sharing platform, which curated a selection of user-generated content around a particular geeky theme each day, and also featured a number of original commissions, most notably a one-off revival of Knightmare. The glue holding this together was a series of seven daily videos, written and performed by Robert Llewellyn and directed by Doug Naylor, in which Kryten introduces each day’s content in front of a backdrop approximating a Starbug-style cockpit, accompanied by an on-screen smug-o-meter. Video recommendations and calls to action were mixed with gags about Lister’s slobbiness, Cat’s stupidity and Rimmer’s gittishness. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Contemporary news article Red Dwarf USA In 1992, Universal Studios created a pilot for an American adaptation of Red Dwarf, for NBC. Rob Grant and Doug Naylor were flown to Hollywood to contribute, as were make-up artist Andrea Pennell and Robert Llewellyn, the only actor from the British series to reprise his role (Chris Barrie was approached, but declined). The pilot was never broadcast, largely due to it being rubbish. When this became clear, Rob and Doug took charge of a second “pilot”, which was more of a sizzle reel than a fully-fledged story, with a slightly different cast and some recycled British material. Nothing came of it. For far far more information, see the Dwarfin’ USA documentary on the Series V DVD – the definitive account of the whole sorry mess. Here, however, we’re going to go through the two end products. First Pilot STARRING: Craig Bierko (Lister), Chris Eigeman (Rimmer), Jane Leeves (Holly), Hinton Battle (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) WRITTEN BY: Linwood Boomer DIRECTOR: Jeff Melman PRODUCER: Todd Stevens CREATIVE CONSULTANTS: Rob Grant & Doug Naylor EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: Linwood Boomer IN BRIEF: A hologram talks directly to camera about wanking. SYNOPSIS: Following a Backwards-style scroll and a horrible theme tune, Holly presents a welcome message to new recruits joining Red Dwarf, running through the various facilities on board and introducing First Officer Munson, a hologram. Among the new recruits are Kryten, who, much to the annoyance of Spare Head One, is lost. Meanwhile Lister and Rimmer, two chicken soup machine repairmen bicker about whether or not the latter will pass his exam. Kryten comes over to ask for help, and gets chatting to Lister. He’s distracted by the arrival of his girlfriend Kochanski, who promptly dumps him due to his lack of motivation and commitment. Later, Captain Tau announces that Holly has identified an unquarantined animal on board. It’s Lister’s pet cat, the heavily pregnant Frankenstein. He persuades Kryten to hide her somewhere she can’t be detected. While Rimmer goes off to take his astro-navigation exam, Lister is summoned to the drive room, after being captured on CCTV handing the cat to Kryten. The captain orders Kryten to tell her where the cat is, but he rebels and consequently his head explodes. Lister is given an ultimatum – hand over the cat or go into stasis. He chooses the latter. As he enters the booth, Kochanski tells him she loves him. He demands to be let out, but it’s too late. Just under three millions years later, Lister wakes up to find that everyone is dead. Holly explains that there was a radiation leak and then activates Rimmer’s hologram. Holly then detects a non-human life-form on board the ship. The pair check it out, finding Kryten on the way. He’s spent three million years as a head on a shelf, re-reading a fire exit sign. They head to the cargo hold, and find a creature evolved from Frankenstein. The newly-established crew head to the drive room. Lister’s depressed and angry about the situation, but is buoyed by the sudden appearance of visitors from the future – Lister, Kryten, Cat and Kochanski. They have an important message, but spend too much time blabbing and disappear before they can deliver it. However, the promise of a future with Kochanski gives Lister the motivation to keep himself alive and get back home. There’s then a little video log from Holly, giving an update on the mission with lots of clips from the British show, previewing possible forthcoming adventures. We see Starbug flying action from Backwards and Camille, the Vindaloo Beast from DNA, Kryten meeting Camille, the planet pool sequence from White Hole, the Simulant from Justice, Hudzen 10, and finally more from the Vindaloo Beast. GUEST CAST: Lorraine Toussant (Captain Tau), Elizabeth Morehead (Christine), Michael Heintzman (Munson) ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Early edit discussion Second Pilot STARRING: Craig Bierko (Lister), Anthony Fuscle (Rimmer), Jane Leeves (Holly), Terry Farrell (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten) IN BRIEF: The Cat is a woman now. SYNOPSIS: A caption informs us of the existence of the British version of Red Dwarf, followed by the Series V title sequence and a trimmed-down version of Kryten, Lister and Cat finding Rimmer in Terrorform. A further caption introduces us to the concept of Red Dwarf USA. Lister and Rimmer are in their bunkroom. They discuss the possibility of sleeping with Wilma Flintstone. Cut to a black box recording of Lister, explaining that the crew are dead and he’s three million years from home. He shows us Rimmer’s hologram being activated, then introduces Holly, and we see her explaining more about the accident. Next, Kryten, and the “old android saying” clip from Terrorform. Lister then explains the Cat’s evolution, and we see footage of her prowling around. We see Cat and Lister hunting down an armour-plated killing machine. He’s scared, and she is not, because she literally has nine lives. The pair discuss relationships for a bit. Back to the black box recording, Lister starts to explain their mission to get back to Earth, only to be interrupted by Rimmer, who tells him that it’s not recording and that he needs to press the button and start over. The recording stops, then resumes with Lister and Rimmer satisfied at a job well done. We then see teasers of “future episodes”. First Marooned, with the Starbug crash from the original and a re-recording of the initial food discussion, leading in to Rimmer and Lister both revealing how they lost their respective virginities. Then Camille, with the full scene of Kryten and Camille’s introduction from the original version. Then Shutdown, a new scene in which Lister, Cat and Rimmer track a possible alien encounter. Rimmer wants to retreat and supervise the mission from afar, whereas Cat wants to take them on single-handedly. Rimmer then spots a missile heading towards the ship. As they brace for impact, we cut to a caption: “Red Dwarf Coming Soon To A Reality Near You”. Spoilers: it wasn’t. The Radio Show In 1995, the talking book of the first Red Dwarf novel, read by Chris Barrie, was adapted for radio, and broadcast in six parts on the BBC World Service. A further six episodes, based on the second novel, followed in 1996. They were essentially the adbridged versions of the audiobooks, but with music and sound effects to create a more immersive, dramatic listening experience. The shows were released on cassette soon after broadcast, and reissued on CD and download as part of the 20th anniversary celebrations in 2008. Incidentally, both abridged and unabridged versions of Chris Barrie’s reading of the first two novels were released on cassette in the 90s. For the subsequent two novels, only abridged versions were produced, with Last Human read by Craig Charles and Backwards by Rob Grant himself. It’s fair to say that neither of them are as good at voice acting as Chris Barrie. Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers Episode 1: A raucous birthday bar crawl leads Dave Lister to a moon of Saturn and a fateful meeting. Episode 2: Now a lowly technician on a spaceship, and five years from Earth, Dave Lister is in love. Episode 3: Lister goes into stasis. Rimmer fails an exam. The rest of the crew have a bad day too. Episode 4: The crew gain two new recruits. Namely, a vain feline descendant and a neurotic mechanoid. Episode 5: The prospect of female company spurs on a rescue mission from Dave Lister and crewmates. Episode 6: Dave Lister and the crew get answers they don’t want, to questions they’re afraid to ask. Better Than Life Episode 1: Lister, Cat and Rimmer waste away in a computer fantasy. Can mechanoid Kryten rescue them? Episode 2: Holly and Talkie Toaster strike up a relationship and Rimmer’s mind ruins it for everyone. Episode 3: Rimmer makes a daring jailbreak in a woman’s body, and Holly makes a timely discovery. Episode 4: Lister’s recovery is interrupted by a game of planetary snooker and a shocking revelation. Episode 5: Lister awaits rescue. And waits. And waits. Back on the ship, however, time behaves oddly. Episode 6: Rimmer and Cat mount a rescue mission. Could a black hole answer all their problems? Mobisodes In 2007, Red Dwarf launched a short-lived mobile service, the centrepiece of which was a series of short animations, taking the audio from classic scenes and replacing the video with really horrible animation. So far so unremarkable, but there was also a two-part original story, serving as a Christmas special. Written by Doug Naylor, and starring Robert Llewellyn as Kryten and Chris Barrie as everyone else. Below is a complete list of mobisodes, and below that a synopsis for each part of Red Christmas. Red Alert (from Legion) Lemming Sunday (from The Last Day) Art College (from Kryten) Cat’s Purrfect Mate (from Camille) Rimmer’s Trial (from Justice) Shutdown (from White Hole) Skutter Pipe (from Pete (Part One)) Double Rimmer Part 1 (from Future Echoes) Double Rimmer Part 2 (from Future Echoes) Red Christmas Part 1 Red Christmas Part 2 Skutter Fight (from Bodysnatcher) Everybody’s Dead (from The End) Peanuts (from Legion) What Is it? (from Stasis Leak) Smeg Head (from Camille) Wilma Flintstone (from Backwards) Toaster (from White Hole) Duane Dibbley (from Emohawk – Polymorph II) Lister Plays Guitar (from Psirens) Lister’s Shrinking Pants (from Polymorph) First French Kiss (from The Last Day) Dog’s Milk (from Kryten) Red Christmas Part 1 SYNOPSIS: Father Christmas and his reindeer head towards Red Dwarf. He makes his way on board, triggering an intruder alert. From the description of a red figure with a bulging sack, Rimmer is convinced that it’s aliens, while Kryten consults the “who’s just sneaked on board computer” which identifies that there’s also hooved creatures on the “roof” of the ship. They’re both terrified. To be continued. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Review of both parts Red Christmas Part 2 SYNOPSIS: Kryten suggests they flush the intruder out into space. When they do so, Kryten identifies him as Father Christmas. To make up for their faux pas, they invite the reindeer on board for a party while Father Christmas floats helplessly outside. They play charades, with Father Christmas correctly identifying Rudolph’s mime for Armageddon. That’s literally it. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: Review of both parts DVD Extras The Red Dwarf DVD range was ludicrously comprehensive – barring a few exceptions for rights reasons, pretty much everything listed above is included, along with numerous other archival treats, such as deleted scenes, Smeg Ups, raw effects footage, isolated music cues, trailers, continuity, talking book extracts, Son of Cliché sketches and musical “featurettes”, comprising clips from the show set to pop songs. So below, we’re listing all the extra special special extras – things that have been specially shot or recorded for DVD. Series 1 (2002) Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Norman Lovett, across all six episodes. Launching Red Dwarf (pictured) – Documentary covering the development, commissioning and production of Series 1. A mixture of brand new interviews and unused footage from Red Dwarf A-Z. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Norman Lovett, Paul Jackson, Doug Naylor and Peter Ridsdale-Scott. Series 2 (2003) Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Norman Lovett, across all six episodes. Doug Naylor Interview – Andrew Ellard quizzes Doug on the early days of Red Dwarf, and Series 2 in particular. Series III (2003) Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Hattie Hayridge across all six episodes. All Change – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series III, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Hattie Hayridge, Mike Agnew, Howard Burden, Ed Bye, Tony Hawks, Gordon Kennedy, Doug Naylor and Peter Wragg. Hattie’s DJ Diary (pictured) – A video diary by Hattie Hayridge at Dimension Jump X, held in Coventry in 2003. Contains distressing scenes of Paul Gannon. Building A Better Universe – A tribute to late set designer Mel Bibby. Featuring Craig Charles, Ed Bye, Howard Burden, Chris Barrie, Robert Llewellyn, Danny John-Jules, Doug Naylor, Peter Wragg, Hattie Hayridge, and rare archive footage of Mel himself. Making of the Starbug Toy – An Easter Egg, providing a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the ill-fated Starbug Playset toy. Series IV (2004) Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Hattie Hayridge across all six episodes. Build To Last – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series IV, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Hattie Hayridge, Howard Burden, Ed Bye, Andrea Finch, Tony Hawks, Doug Naylor and Peter Wragg. Ace Rimmer – A Life In Lamé – Hattie Hayridge stars as Holly in a look back at Ace Rimmer’s life through classic clips, with links written by Andrew Ellard. Easter Egg Easter egg – During the commentary recording, the cast find an Easter Egg under Danny’s hat, then eat it. Series V (2004) Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Hattie Hayridge across all six episodes. Craig Charles was ill. Fan Commentary – Jason Mercer, Simon Wigg, Claire Thompson and Ruth Latchford talk over Back To Reality, moderated by Andrew Ellard. Heavy Science – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series V, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Hattie Hayridge, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Howard Burden, Jack Docherty, Juliet May, Doug Naylor, Mike Tucker and Kerry Waddell. Dwarfing USA (pictured) – Stupendous documentary covering the ill-fated American pilot, comprising interviews and real, actual clips from the real, actual first pilot. Predominantly featuring Doug Naylor and Robert Llewellyn, and also Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Hattie Hayridge and Chris Barrie. The SFX of Red Dwarf V – Behind-the-scenes footage from the visual effects department, with brand new commentary from Mike Tucker. Commentary Booth Egg – Shot during the Series VI commentary session, featuring the cast and Mr Flibble in an Alien parody. The Accent Question – An extra bit of Red Dwarf USA chat from Robert and Doug, speculating on whether Jane Leeves’s accent in Frasier was inspired by Rob and Doug. Series VI (2005) Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Robert Llewellyn across all six episodes. Fan Commentary – Cleo Peacock, Mandi Neary, Keir Shiels and Steve Harris talk over Gunmen of the Apocalypse, moderated by Andrew Ellard. The Starbuggers – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series VI, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Howard Burden, Andy DeEmmony, Doug Naylor, Mike Tucker, Kerry Waddell and Steven Wickham. Howard Goodall – Settling The Score – Interview with Howard Goodall, discussing, performing and analysing a large selection of his Red Dwarf compositions. Return to Laredo – Robert Llewellyn heads back to the location for Gunmen of the Apocalypse, to reminisce about filming and catch up with the locals. The Memory Man – Easter egg out-takes from the documentary interviews, featuring Danny John-Jules failing to remember anything. Series VII (2005) Tikka To Ride: Re-Mastered (pictured) – Brand new CGI effects added to the episode, created by original artist Chris Veale. Cast Commentary – Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn and Chloe Annett across all episodes, with Chris Barrie on the first six, and Norman Lovett on the last one. Fan Films – Doug Naylor introduces the two winners of the Red Dwarf Fan Film Competition – Attack of Giant Hand Monster by James Hickey, and The Movie: Yeah, No, Yeah, No by some cunt. Back From The Dead – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series VII, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chloe Annett, Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Norman Lovett, Paul Alexander, Jo Bennett, Howard Burden, Ed Bye, Nicky Leatherbarrow, Gary Martin, Doug Naylor, Mike Tucker, Peter Tyler and Chris Veale. Movie Style Trailer – Easter Egg, spoofing Hollywood blockbuster trailers with Red Dwarf clips, voiced by Gary Martin. Series VIII (2006) Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Chloe Annett and Norman Lovett across all episodes, and Mac McDonald on all of them but Krytie TV. The Tank – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series VIII, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chloe Annett, Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Norman Lovett, Mac McDonald, Paul Alexander, Jo Bennett, Howard Burden, Ed Bye, David Gillespie, Graham McTavish, Doug Naylor, Bill Pearson and Chris Veale. Super Models – Bill Pearson discusses his various contributions to Red Dwarf to date, with commentary over archive clips and stills. Interview Outtakes – An easter egg, with various cock-ups from the documentary interviews for Series VII and VIII. The Bodysnatcher Collection (2007) The Beginning (pictured) – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series 1, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Norman Lovett, Andy Bowman, Ed Bye, Lee Cornes, Dona DiStefano, Rob Grant, Paul Jackson, John Lenahan, Mac McDonald, Paul Montague, Doug Naylor, John Pomphrey and Peter Tyler. It’s Cold Outside – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series 2, with separate sections for each episode. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Norman Lovett, Mike Agnew, Andy Bowman, Ed Bye, Dona Distefano, Rob Grant, Hattie Hayridge, Paul Jackson, Mac McDonald, Paul Montague, Doug Naylor, John Pomphrey and David Ross. Rob Grant & Doug Naylor Commentary – The pair commentate on Bodysnatcher, The End: The Original Assembly and The Most Embarrassing Interview In The Universe Ever (an archive clip of the duo being interviewed by Alan Titchmarsh on Pebble Mill). Crew Commentary – Ed Bye, Mark Wybourn, Jem Whippey and Chris Veale discuss the Re-Mastering process on The End. Writer/Director Commentary – Doug Naylor and Ed Bye across Me², Kryten, Better Than Life, Polymorph and Bodyswap. “What’s Different?” Text Track – Production subtitles across the three Re-Mastered series, detailing the changes made to the originals, and also a lot of pissing about. Re-Dwarf – Documentary covering the Re-Mastered project, narrated by Andrew Ellard. Featuring Ed Bye, Doug Naylor, Mike Tucker, Jem Whippey, Mark Wybourn, Chris Veale and Norman Lovett. 8mm Film Reel – Archive behind-the-scenes visual effects footage, with new commentary by Peter Tyler. Rob & Doug Easter Egg – An out-take from the commentary session, with Grant & Naylor discussing Spitting Image. Back To Earth (2009) Doug Naylor Commentary – The writer/director discusses the Director’s Cut edition, and also the deleted scenes. Cast Commentary – Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Robert Llewellyn, across all episodes. The Making of Back To Earth: Part Two – Companion piece to the broadcast documentary, going in to far more depth on the production of the mini-series. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Chloe Annett, Richard O’Callaghan, Jeremy Swift, Sophie Winkleman, Karen Admiral, Nick Ames, Tom Andrews, Sabina Browne, Howard Burden, Vikki Dale, Jon Glover, Jo Howard, Charlie Kenyon, Karen Krizanovich, Alex Lemonis, Andy Martin, Doug Naylor, Becky Page, Antony Parnell, Phil Reeves, Mike Seymour, Nina Southworth and Dean Thrussell. The SFX of Back To Earth – Mike Seymour gives a presentation on his work on the show. Back To Earth Premiere – Report from the Back To Earth launch event in Berkeley Square, with vox pops from the fans, followed by red carpet interviews with Doug Naylor, Robert Llewellyn, Danny John-Jules, Chris Barrie and celebrity fans Terry Pratchett and Steve Furst. Cast Signing Session (pictured) – Chit-chat between Chris, Craig, Robert and Danny as they sign a huge number of autographs on Back To Earth promotional material. Extra Behind The Scenes Footage – Easter egg in which Danny John-Jules wanders off during filming. Series X (2012) We’re Smegged – Ludicrously comprehensive and honest documentary on the making of Series X, made contemporaneously with the series. Features sections for each episode, a further section on the model effects, and an introduction focusing on the studio audience, set design, scheduling, costumes, and the camera setup. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Nick Ames, Charles Armitage, James Baxter, Rebecca Blackstone, Howard Burden, Gary Cady, Mark Dexter, Susan Earl, Peter Elliot, Neil Ellis, Michel Fabien-Jones, Greyham Feehily, Alex Hardy, Steve Howarth, Wyn Jenkins, Philip Labey, Andy Martin, Doug Naylor, Richard Naylor, Jim Imber, Richard O’Callaghan, Ray Peacock, Bill Pearson, Tom Price, Neil Purcell, Michael Ralph, PJ Simons, Sydney Stevenson, Siggy Stone, Peter Talbot, Alex Taylor, Deane Thrussell, Simon Treves, Steven Wickham and Peter Wolf. Series XI (2016) Behind the scenes – A less comprehensive than usual, but still nevertheless pretty damn comprehensive, documentary on the making of Series XI, told chronologically. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Doug Naylor, Richard Naylor, Kerry Waddell, Vanessa White, Kate Walshe, Tobias Wilson, Mark Quartley, Julian Fullalove, Dominique Moore, Dominic Coleman, Robert Nairne, Daniel Barker, Howard Jones, Stephen Critchlow, Maggie Service, Dan Tetsell, Eddie Bagayawa, Jez Harrison, Danny Stephenson, Mike Tucker, Ed Moore, Rebecca Blackstone and Lucy Pohl. Series XII (2017) The 28 Years Later Affair – Comprehensive documentary on the making of Series XII, told chronologically. Featuring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Robert Llewellyn, Richard Glover, Laura Checkley, Marcus Garvey, Johnny Vegas, Jamie Chapman, Ryan Gage, David Ross, Helen George, Ian Boldsworth, Norman Lovett, Mac McDonald, Doug Naylor, Kerry Waddell, Richard Naylor, Keith Dunne, Howard Jones and Vanessa White. The Speed of Dark: Lighting Red Dwarf – Ed Moore talks us through his role as Director of Photography, taking us behind the scenes of the lighting department, with demonstrations from Ziggy Jacobs-Wyburn and Nick Dale. Lighting Red Dwarf – Then And Now – Lighting directors past and present, John Pomphrey and Ed Moore respectively, have a big old chat about how the techniques and principles have changed throughout the years. A Font to the Senses – Matthew Clark presents a look at the graphics and design work of the series. A New Model Army – Feature on the model effects from Series XI and XII, featuring Nigel Stone, Andy Rolfe, Peter Seymour and Mike Tucker. Flying By Wireframe – Howard Jones of AXIS VFX discusses the series’ digital and CG effects. In Space They Can Hear You Scream – A look behind-the-scenes of the sound department, with Rikki Hanson. The Sands of Stuntbug – Phil O’Connell guides us through the production of a 3D-printed Starbug. ELSEWHERE ON G&T: High & Low: DVD Extras With thanks to Brayds2006, Karnie (RIP), Jonsmad, Phil Reed and clem for corrections and additions. Have we missed anything else? Leave your suggestions, corrections or general abuse in the comments section below.