Favorite Doug Dwarf gags

Moose gag, obviously. Just for the sheer relief.

It’s a small one but “Kryten bring those forks we might need them” in The Beginning should’ve got a bigger laugh than it did.

Cassandra stands out for the familiarity. Lots of funny stuff.

Otherwise, I handily noted down some funniest bits in the Refresh for the Memory threads and have whittled those down.

I will say though that Moonlight’s example of the tangerine gag is maybe the best one in the Dave era in terms of recaptured the feel of classic Dwarf. There’s something so perfect about it.

Git Central.

“It’s because I’m Hitler, isn’t it?” is an all timer. “Apart from me and him and him” is burned in my brain from how often they played that trailer on Dave. 

I know there are some examples of ‘proper swearing’ in the bubble era, and I’m no prude, but I’ve always found this a bit much. 

For me that’s what makes it funny. You expect something either milder or more in-universe (goit, gimboid etc.) so the twat surprise is an amusing one.

I know there are some examples of ‘proper swearing’ in the bubble era, and I’m no prude, but I’ve always found this a bit much. 

For me that’s what makes it funny. You expect something either milder or more in-universe (goit, gimboid etc.) so the twat surprise is an amusing one.

That’s fair enough, comedy from the unexpected.

I do agree with Quinn a bit though, also not a fan of the delivery.

Easily bubble era quality.

The Brylcreem gag made me smile.

This is an excellent joke and I won’t hear any different.

The first thing that came to mind was the cut to Kryten calling for Cat and Lister over the tannoy in Skipper. So well timed.

Easily bubble era quality.
A nice gag. Paul Alexander’s I believe.

It’s plausible it’s a Doug contributed line so I’m claiming it.

In his Mr. Flibble interview, Paul Alexander named the spine gag and “salty goodness” as two of the jokes that he came up with that he was proudest of.

Edit: I’ve just checked that interview and it seems I have misremembered. He actually named “tennis girl” and “salty goodness”.

I do recall that Andrew Ellard once mentioned that the spine gag was Paul Alexander’s, but whether he knew that for certain, I don’t know.

Is it really a gag? But I love Rimmer’s dance in Twentica.

In chronological order: 

TIKKA TO RIDE

“The Lone Ranger without that Indian bloke.” 

“What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now?”

“One minute you’re down, the next you’re right back up again.”

“And only then will my reputation be restored in history?” “Mm. And I can get a smegging curry.” 

“It’s just that firing my eyes out of my head at the speed of sound does invalidate my Diva Droid service guarantee!” 

STOKE ME A CLIPPER

The opening scene 

The Camelot sequence

“Morning!”

Rimmer’s head-desking 

“Why, it’s sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone’s eye!”

“I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness. We don’t always get what we want!”

“Your brain moves faster than a nun’s first curry.”

OUROBOROS

“He’s losing it. He really is.”

“Rimmer.” “Yes, ma’am?” “Have sex with someone. That’s an order.” 

“So if she walked in here now and took all her clothes off and said, Oh! Make love to me, you horny dude,”

“You’re lyyyyyyyyyyyyying!”

DUCT SOUP

“Oh my goodness. It’s Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker went that way, ma’am.”

Kryten’s hallucination of Lister leaving him

“Here, have another drink, hetero boy”

BLUE

The Rimmer Experience

BEYOND A JOKE

Kryten sabotaging the Pride and Prejudice Game

Robert’s PSA-inspired performance as Able

“Well, I could check. It’d only take 20 seconds”

“That’s what people say… but where’s the evidence?”

“So even though we didn’t plant a bomb, the only thing that explains what we’re doing is if we did… which we didn’t!”

I’m so ugly! I never get invited to parties!”

EPIDEME

Gary Martin’s entire performance. Every single line delivery, bar none. 

“Can this story maybe wait? Ideally until after I’m dead.”

“Ah! Double bed mode!”

“What am I gonna do with 58 minutes?” “Have half a juggling lesson?”

“MISTER LISTERRRR!”

NANARCHY

“There must be more… that guy from the Fugitive? What was his name?” “The One-Armed Man?”

The hand-pick-up-the-ball scene

“It’s the way the light was shining on your – what’s the word? – face, I suppose…”

BACK IN THE RED

“Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your nose, or is this a bad time?”

“If the board finds us guilty, what happens then?” “They’ll probably have a pot of tea, bit of a chat and go home, I suppose.”

“They’re gonna throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the bookcase and then the library, brick by brick.”

“Maybe I should take the Fifth.” “If I were you, I’d take the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth too.”

The McClaren and Kryten scene

Sickbags on Standby

“The world loves a bastard”

Rimmer’s extra-long salute

“I was diagnosed as being quirky and unstable. Spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!”

“What other father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of conception?”

“I’m going to LOOK at you!”

The Reservoir Dogs parody with the Dibbley family

“You mean after all this, I still haven’t got a date? Damn! Another year when I have to send a Valentine’s card to my hand!”

“I’m gonna cut both his b- blunt knife!”

“I want his babiessss!” (one minute later) “Oh God, that’s so embarrassing”

“We’re giving you a second chance at life, and an oppurtunity for you to screw it up in a new and original way.”

CASSANDRA

“What did women tennis players reckon was so important? Begins with C?” “Cunnilingus” (To be fair, it’s not a line I laughed at, but I did get a big laugh out of the Gallifrey Gals getting starry-eyed over it)

“Harness your stupidity, sir! Employ your witlessness!” 

“You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why? You’re going to die too.”

Annette’s performance in the scene where Rimmer tries to seduce Kochanski. Probably the funniest bit in the whole season. “Oh, but Cassandra promised…!” 

“20 seconds later, you could’ve been on top and I could have used you as a human shield!”

“Smeg.”

KRYTIE TV

“It’s hideously dull, I can’t describe it. They stand around soaping themselves, their bodies all wet and foamy. Can you imagine it? … Oh, my goodness, we’ve been frozen in time again!”

“It’s voyeuristic, exploitative and immature.” “All right, who are you and what have you done with our Rimmer?”

The Kochanski and her new boyfriend Tim routine

“The appeal!”

PETE

“I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much-respected officer yesterday. That is just not true. We played the prank on Mr Ackerman, sir.”

Hollister’s breakdown at the very end of the episode

ONLY THE GOOD

“A choccie nut bar… a choccie nut bar (!) has been removed without payment! … You are my nemesis! One day, our paths will cross again and I will destroy you!”

“Have a fantastic period!”

Chris and Craig’s performance when they get drunk off Baxter’s hooch

Kochanski with the pot on her head

Professor Cat 

“Could I have an extremely long piece of paper, my dear?”

“But I’m your sister!”

The vending machine somehow understanding all the mirror universe smeg. I don’t know, his long-winded exposition dump always cracks me up. 

The alternate ending where Rimmer salutes Hollister goodbye. 

BACK TO EARTH

All the scenes with Sophie Winkleman as Bartikovsky

“Pray to God there’s some car chases in this one”

Carbug

TROJAN

Susan Earl’s performance as Sim Crawford. Especially the funky Simulant salute.

“But you were an utter twat!” 

Kryten’s breakdown over the phone

“It’s not about the Stirmaster anymore, Kryten!”

FATHERS AND SUNS

“All over the ship, there’s this really annoying whiny sound.” “Yeah, it’s you. Stop talking.”

Every single scene with Pree

Lister Sr and Lister Jr

“Cause Taiwan Tony’s from Taiwan, and Taiwan’s a bit… Chinese-y”

“You realise we are out of anestheeeetic”

“He know nothing! He all pre-package! All microwave!”

LEMONS

“Earth! It’s always Earth with you guys. You see some trees, it’s Earth. Who’s to say it isn’t a planet entirely populated by naked warrior cat babes who need me to make love to them all?!”

“First they were garrotted to death, then they were burnt to death, then they were drowned to death. Three deaths to appease the three gods. Then the druids drank their blood and ate their meat and said the harvest would be bountiful.” “Right. Have you got any lemons?”

(Rimmer to Cat after they meet Jesus) “Enjoy the moment. You’re no longer the dumb one.”

“Lister, have you given Jesus a vindaloo?”

ENTANGLED

“The man, or the system?” “The man.” “Was it the man, though?” “It was, yes.”

“Sir, where is Starbug?” “Let me finish! As I was saying, we were sat round the-” “Sir, you lost Starbug in a card game?!”

Kryten heating up the cutlery with his arse

Rimmer thinking that Lister has finally become the vending machine repairman of his dreams.

“Does not help. Does not clean. Will have sex with a-ny-thing!”

“La-bogo-a-row-go-bay-len English boarding school…”

“Did it work?” “No.”

Sydney Stevenson’s performance as Prof. Edgington.

The professor accidentally getting blown out into space.

“Have you got a pen?”

DEAR DAVE

The opening scene 

Lister’s love triangle with vending machines.

Chris Barrie’s Jacobean impression

Rimmer and Lister competing over letters

“While his finger-wetting machine was working overdrive…”

“What an absolute slag.”

THE BEGINNING

The opening scene, especially the performances of Mr Rimmer and Young Rimmer

A duel across time and space

“So, you don’t want me to, er… ooh, I don’t know, er, commit hari-kari or anything?”

The gag about the micro-organism in VIII

“PS – naturally, I won’t be sending you any more birthday presents.”

TWENTICA

Using the Casket of Cronos to keep the pool table level

“Who do you think I am? 3 of 63?” (and the subsequent punchline at the end of the episode)

“They will have no hesitation using hackneyed old cliches if it suits their purpose!”

“Americans love the English accent, so that rules out Lister.”

Harmony de Gauthier’s entire character and performance. Fucking brilliant.

Kryten reassuring Bob about the string

“I am Bob… the Bum!”

“A dirty no good scientist who’ll discuss theoretical physics with anyone so long as the funding’s right!”

“Two potato makes… one potato!”

“Don’t rely on machines, Kryten, or else we’ll lose the very thing that makes us human.” 

SAMSARA

The Mine-opoly game and subsequent bunkroom scene with Rimmer and Lister

“Why can’t I take money from the orphan fund? Who’s gonna know?” “Only you. And your conscience. Foreverrrrrrrrrrr…”

“And you can swing from trees, right? With your super-swinging monkey arms, right?”

“We can survive in here for days, weeks, months even! Just the two of us.” “Kryteeeeen!”

“I’ve got to be genuinely nice? Oh, this is impossible.”

GIVE & TAKE

“Will you really? Or will you really be a long time?” “A really long time, sir.”

“There are plenty of young, thrusting lifts around here who would give their eye teeth to transport someone of my stature up and down their shaft.”

Snacky’s design

“Sir, I merely asked you to introduce me, you didn’t have to big me up!”

Rimmer’s therapy session

“Tuck tuck tuck tuck, tucky-tucky-tuck…”

“I’m a snack dispenser!”

OFFICER RIMMER

Rimmer’s Boeing 727 routine

Pretty much all of Rimmer’s egotistical antics in this episode are hilarious. 

“You traded away the map categorizing every detail of your genetic makeup for 100 dollar-pounds and half. A packet. Of fags?!”

“Sir! If you think I’m going to select all these files and then take my leave – taking my leave, so you can press

that button there, you’ve got another thing coming!”

The Barbershop Quartet

“Come on, we’re going in. I’ve got a cravat!”

The Rimmery game of Pacman

“Have you got a pen?” “We ALWAYS have a pen…”

KRYSIS

“Well, we’ve actually been doing that now for the last seven years…”

“It just seems so unfair that all the Blackberries should burn in Silicon Hell.”

“Have you ever felt-” “Noooo!”

“Mozart went on to write the Best of Mozart! And the Best of Mozart, volume two!”

The Butler character. Spectacular guest performance.

Bloody hell Rushy, you don’t half-arse things! 

I got busy, so I stopped halfway through XII. 50% of arse was given there. 

Inb4 gerrydelasel “None of them!”

To be fair that might not be a Doug Naylor Joke. it was co-written by Paul Alexander. And i assume unlike with Rob Grant, when something was co-written for 7 and 8, it was just written by the co-writer and then Doug made alterations or changes if needed. 

The Smeghammer line is quite funny in Smeg Ups.

I think this one would be funnier if it wasn’t being said in the Red Dwarf universe.

True, but I don’t think a hologrammatic catering officer would be particularly useful. Especially a permanently hungover one.

“One minute you’re down, the next you’re right back up again.”

Yes, this.

BLUE The Rimmer Experience

Harsh. Not even Nuremberg hypnosis?

“What other father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of conception?”

Especially since it’s actually true.