Painstakingly Obvious News is Painstakingly Obvious

[Ben Paddon]

So Kotaku are reporting that GoldenEye 64 is never, ever going to be released for either the Wii or for Xbox Live Arcade. Well bugger me if we didn’t already know this two years ago.

It’s a nice thought, isn’t it? GoldenEye 64, playable on a new system. Hell, maybe it’d even have a graphical update. Perhaps they’d bring back the “play as any Bond actor ever” feature that got shitcanned for legal reasons before the game first came out.

But y’know what? It’s not going to happen. It was never going to happen, for the same reason that Doctor Who: The Movie will never get a US home video release – there are too many companies with a stake in it. You want to play GoldenEye on your Wii? Install the Homebrew Channel and an N64 emulator and hope for the best. Boom. Done. That’s the closest you’re ever going to get.

Topic

[Beligium]

To be fair, the game plays and looks like a dog these days. It’s one of those games that helped ruin my A-Level grades with it’s addictiveness, but i just find it painful to play now.

Off topic i finally got round to installing Homebrew on my Wii last week. Best thing i ever did to it :)

[redhead85]

> Off topic i finally got round to installing Homebrew on my Wii last week. Best thing i ever did to it :)

So did we – downloaded Raving Rabbids II and House of the Dead: Overkill. Two games we would never have paid money for I’m afraid….

[Nick R]

> To be fair, the game plays and looks like a dog these days. It?s one of those games that helped ruin my A-Level grades with it?s addictiveness, but i just find it painful to play now.

Oh, I don’t find that. Although I can acknowledge that many elements are dated and have been surpassed, I still count it as my favourite game ever. I’ve played it so much over the years that I can quickly switch between it and more modern FPSs without the control system or framerate bothering me. (Although I do find I still have to play GoldenEye and Perfect Dark with inverted aiming, whereas I’ve since switched to normal for all other twin-stick console FPSs.) Going back to it for a time attack session or to mess about with the cheats is always comfortingly familiar.

The GoldenEye Source Half-Life 2 mod is definitely worth checking out. It’s not quite what a full official remake would be like, but it’s great fun and looks fantastic. It’s also possible to play the N64 version online using emulators (and hack the game to make new levels), but I’ve never tried that.

The Xbox Live Arcade version of Perfect Dark is still on its way. I think that of the two games, that is the one that was too ambitious for its host system, and will therefore benefit more from being playable at a consistent 60fps. (Although I doubt it’ll do anything to fix Elvis and the alien levels…)

[Ben Paddon]

I still say that TimeSplitters, the spiritual sequels to GoldenEye 64 and the first Perfect Dark, is easily one of the best console FPS series of all time (assuming you avoid the first game, which is a bit pants). TimeSplitters II has an utterly fantastic singleplayer campaign and has some fantastic multiplayer modes. TimeSplitters: Future Perfect has a disappointing singleplayer campaign (although the time travel shenanigans are a lot of fun) but has pitch-perfect multiplayer. The only thing that would have made it better is if they’d somehow found a way of incorporating GE & PD maps into the game…

[The PerformingMonkey]

Two of the greatest games of all-time. Unlocking the cheats on Goldeneye and Perfect Dark is still the hardest thing I’ve ever achieved on a game. The ones on Perfect Agent are just fucking ridiculous, but do-able once you’ve developed a certain mental state. This is like 8-9 years ago…I hardly even pick up games anymore. How the times they a-change.

Goldeneye deathmatch was the sole reason for Sixth Form free periods and lunch breaks. Always some twat playing as Oddjob so you can’t shoot them without aiming down, then you’ve got idiot noobs playing as Jaws who you can hit from a mile away. Licence to Kill on Facility, Pistols, first to 10…I’m actually choking up thinking about it…

[Pete Part Three]

Nah, Licence to Kill, Pistols, first to ten…but Archives. Smaller, and you can’t beat the shattering glass.

[Kris ‘Drivaaar’ Carter]

Goldeneye… sweet jesus, the memories. I swear, ages 16-18, my mates and I just shot each other mercilessly on this game. Damn good fun though. Used to love just taking the piss with proximity mines, placing them around the body armour, in the hiding places, or better yet, all the re-spawning points, hahaha…. good times.

The mad race for that fucking Golden Gun…

Random Goldeneye memory – my wife bought me an N64 for my 27th birthday – Ebay, console+pad+Goldeneye, ?15 INCLUDING postage. Absolute steal…. and I immediately remembered my mate importing his N64 from Japan, day of release, ?700…. what a difference a decade makes.

Dammit, I’m choking up too! And shattering glass – YES.

[Ben Paddon]

I’d like an N64, actually. Le sigh.

[Beligium]

>I?d like an N64, actually. Le sigh.

The more annoying thing for me was the last time i visited my family, finding my old SNES and N64, and nothing else. No Power cable, no AV cable, no pads… :(

[Carlito]

I still have a SNES and N64 hooked up in my house. Now and again when I’m bored, I’ll get myself lost in Donkey Kong Country or WWF No Mercy for a couple of hours.

Never got on with Goldeneye. I think it’s mainly because my mates, particularly Mr Beligium there, knew it off by heart and used to just amuse themselves by instantly killing me. They knew exactly where I was at any time, and exactly how to fuck me up. Blood sports. And because I didn’t have a copy of my own, I never got any alone time with it.

The only times I ever played Goldeneye was in the multi-player mode with mates who knew the game obsessively. No wonder I turned against it.

[si]

My best mate bought my younger siblings a brand new N64 (Goldeneye pack) one christmas. We enjoyed ourselves that year.

[Seb Patrick]

Goldeneye is overrated. That is all.

I remain convinced that the majority of people who declared it BEST EVER were people who’d never played a decent PC-based FPS in their lives.

Multiplayer is just so SLOW. And QUIET. And BORING.

I did quite enjoy the single player, but I never got onboard with multiplayer as this incredible experience.

[Pete Part Three]

>Goldeneye is overrated. That is all.

Pfft.

>I remain convinced that the majority of people who declared it BEST EVER were people who?d never played a decent PC-based FPS in their lives.

Pfft.

>Multiplayer is just so SLOW. And QUIET. And BORING.

Pfft.

[Jonathan Capps]

> I did quite enjoy the single player, but I never got onboard with multiplayer as this incredible experience.

Agreed. At the time, the PC was millions and millions of miles ahead in terms of FPS in single and multi-player in every conceivable way.

However, taking into account the considerable limitations of the N64, Goldeneye was remarkable and no console FPS I’ve played since has given me the impression that it so belongs on the platform as much as GE did. Once you were used to the frankly ridiculous pad, it was a joy to play because the gameplay and general mechanics suited the console so well.

As time progressed and console FPSs became more and more like the PC games, everything went to complete shit. I will still never, ever understand how the control pad is somehow considered a preferable way to play any modern FPS and further more, why everyone seems so determined to spunk all over Halo.

[Jonathan Capps]

Also:

> Multiplayer is just so SLOW. And QUIET. And BORING.

You say slow, quiet and boring and I say tense as fucking fuck.

[The PerformingMonkey]

> I remain convinced that the majority of people who declared it BEST EVER were people who?d never played a decent PC-based FPS

Ohhh they started badly, they got worse, ohhh your programmes, your programmes. And you’re making a fool of yourself.

Er, unless you regularly played multiplayer Quake deathmatches on a network, which I’ll readily admit were the bollocks. Some utterly amazing times on the school PCs. Though you can’t fault Goldeneye for ease of setup and sheer addictiveness.

[Beligium]

/Beligium is wondering if he can get N64 games running decently on his Macbook…

Not that he would ever condone such an act…

Goes off to check…

[Beligium]

Bit buggy, but Hi-res :D

[ChrisM]

I just read ‘Macbook’ as ‘Mancock’ for some reason.

And I certainly wouldn’t condone that act either.

Maybe that dodgy Cha’Mone Ma’fo’ Selecta on in the background dipping my mind in the gutter.

[hummingbird]

I wonder what Freud would say about that?

[Beligium]

Probably not a lot being dead and all…

[Dave]

I was shit at GoldenEye, whenever my friends played multi-player tournaments I was always last. I was George Lazenby.

[Pete Part Three]

I was mediocre. I was Pierce Brosnan.

[Nick R]

Ben:

I still say that TimeSplitters, the spiritual sequels to GoldenEye 64 and the first Perfect Dark, is easily one of the best console FPS series of all time (assuming you avoid the first game, which is a bit pants). TimeSplitters II has an utterly fantastic singleplayer campaign and has some fantastic multiplayer modes. TimeSplitters: Future Perfect has a disappointing singleplayer campaign (although the time travel shenanigans are a lot of fun) but has pitch-perfect multiplayer. The only thing that would have made it better is if they?d somehow found a way of incorporating GE & PD maps into the game?

TS2’s story mode is only really good for the first level (the dam), but the challenges made up for it. I love the series. I think a lot of people were put off TS2 because it stuck to the GoldenEye aiming method of having the crosshair move around the screen, whereas by that time the convention was to have it stay in the centre of the screen. Most people don’t seem to know that TimeSplitters Future Perfect has the option to switch between the two.

Have you played Free Radical Design’s Second Sight? Great little game, with a fantastic storytelling technique which fits in perfectly with its plot’s big twist.

Seb:

I remain convinced that the majority of people who declared it BEST EVER were people who?d never played a decent PC-based FPS in their lives.

I’d love to be able to dispute that, but I can’t because I think the only FPSs I’d played when I first tried GoldenEye were Zero Tolerance and Corporation on the Mega Drive, and a very brief go on Duke Nukem 3D on the PC (although I may have just watched someone playing that).

So I’m afraid the best argument I can offer is that even the reviewers for multi-format magazines like Edge and C&VG raved about GoldenEye and its multiplayer, despite presumably having access to the best of what was out on the PC at the time. (Which isn’t a very good argument. Sorry.)

Jonathan:

I will still never, ever understand how the control pad is somehow considered a preferable way to play any modern FPS

The consensus is that aiming is quicker and more accurate with keyboard and mouse, but based on my success rate in Counter-Strike and Team Fortress 2, that rule applies to everyone except me. :)

I can acknowledge that K&M might be more practical, but I find pads more fun to use. Things like rumble, and having firing/grenades/iron sights on triggers rather than mouse or keyboard buttons, make all the difference to me. All other things being equal, I’d rather play an FPS designed from the ground up for a pad.

and further more, why everyone seems so determined to spunk all over Halo.

Oh, I can prattle on for ages about why Halo 1 is every bit as wonderful as its reputation suggests. And this is from someone who didn’t even get to play it properly until last year, by which time I’d already played later console FPSs that had incorporated features it popularised like a weapon limit, recharging shields, and instant access to grenades and melee attacks.

Essentially I like it because…

– I prefer the design philosophy of having all weapons staying useful in different situations all through a game, rather than your first gun being made redundant when you get better ones.
– The two weapon limit adds extra complications to consider, such as the fact you have to remember where dead bodies are that you can return to if you need a different gun.
– The AI strikes a good balance between convincing believability and exploitable predictability.
– The repetitive level design doesn’t matter at all because there’s enough variety in the setup of encounters, and in the way you can approach each one, for it to stay fresh.
– Legendary difficulty is genuinely worth mastering because of the entirely different feel it gives the game, and unlike in Halo 2 is never unfair.
– The whole thing encourages more spectacular (and funny) near-miss “did you see that?” moments than anything this side of Grand Theft Auto.

Obviously YMMV if you prefer your FPSs to focus on different things, but it nails all the combat elements that appeal to me.

[Ben Paddon]

Haven’t played Second Sight, but always wanted to. Wouldn’t object to picking up a PS2 copy on the cheap.

Bloody Hell, this website is slow on the iPhone.

[Author]

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