Complaint letter…

[Jo]

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

I’m sure that you all have had this emailed to you about 20 times today (if you haven’t then do read it, it’s excellent) however, it’s got me thinking.

Maybe it’s my suspicious mind working overtime but it would be a fantastic bit of publicity. This has spread over the internet like wildfire, it’s in the papers and everything but is it genuine? Now I realise that it’s not exactly good publicity, however Dicky Branson has come out of it quite well as the papers are all saying he called the customer personally and the majority of workers in offices over the UK are talking about it.

Maybe it’s because I listen to customer complaints all day but what makes me doubtful of it’s authenticity is that it’s just so well written. I find that people who complain usually do so in anger and so they aren’t quite as eloquent as this – there are obviously exceptions and this may well be one of them. I’m just wary of it…

Topic

[Zombie Jim Undead]

It is indeed brilliant. I’d say it was real. I’ve heard in the past that Dicky Branflakes is a nice sort of fellow, so I can also believe that he was amused and responded as claimed.

[Dave]

That’s fantastic

[TheLeen]

Hahaha.

I wish my customers complained to me that way.

[Seb Patrick]

My dad sat next to Richard Branson on a plane once.

The flight was with BA.

[Ian Symes]

But I thought he didn’t get on no planes, sucka?

[James]

Face man drugged him again!

There is another complaint like this for Virgin, but this time for it’s cable service.

[Jo]

Not seen the Virgin cable one but I remembered this one, which has been doing the email rounds for a few years now. This was for NTL…

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties – or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website….HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
– an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools –
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived… six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server’s downtime is roughly 35%… hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman…and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don’t
care, it’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration’s
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god awful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That’s why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn’t
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom – wankers though they are – shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver – any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit – they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day – may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of cunts.
John

[James]

That’s the one!

[ChrisM]

It’s strange but why is the repetition of the name “Richard” in that article so funny? It’s not the only thing funny, but it really sets the tone.

[Danny Stephenson]

I like constructive and sarcastic complaint letters. The Virgin one is hilarious. The NTL one is funny because it’s so unrelenting.

[Mr Flibble]

The Virgin one is good. Plus, unlike a lot of complaint letters I’ve seen in the past, it has good grammar and spelling.

[Ian Symes]

From today’s Holy Moly:

Remember that Virgin Atlantic complaint email that did the rounds last week? Turns out it was a (SHOCK!) PR stunt dreamt up by WCRS designed to get Virgin in the news. Bummer.

Jo wins.

[Jo]

WIN!

[peas_and_corn]

Why do they want to get Virgin in the news? Is virgin a sponsor of the station?

[Tarka Dal]

What’s Holy Moly?

[Ian Symes]

http://tinyurl.com/5bdegw

[Seb Patrick]

Hmm, the guy that wrote it has denied that it was a publicity stunt. He works for WCRS, but Virgin aren’t clients of theirs…

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4383938/Virgin-complaint-letters-author-revealed-as-Oliver-Beale.html

[Jo]

And so Virgin gets yet more publicity… is Jimmy Hill a client of theirs?

[Author]

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