good or near-perfect line readings?

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    By Jove its holmes

    My two are:

    “You’ve ruined this, Rimmer!”


    “This is going to be about waffles, isn’t it?”



    “I swear, one time I caught this two pound black-ribbed knobbler”

    “Look at that! It’s a bucket and spade! Look at that… it’s, it’s clever that, innit?”

    (I’ve just realised one of my favourite Red Dwarf bits is in Pete. Something for everyone.)



    Not really, I need it to turn the lights on and off.



    “And then they did a jigsaw?”

    “It’s because I’m Hitler, isn’t it?”



    “Ohhhhhh dear…!”

    (seeing brain-in-a-jar Lister in Out Of Time)



    Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning!



    “Current under tension is equal? Current under tension is expandable? Current under tension is expensive? What does this MEAN?”



    The blue midget is loaded


    Ben Saunders

    Trumped up piscine
    Sawed off shotgun


    Stabbim the Skutter

    “He died in a plane crash. He was making love to his 14th wife and lost control of the plane.”
    “Have you got any pictures?”
    “…Well not of THAT, no!”


    Taiwan Tony

    I’ll second the Ohhhh dear.
    And I’ll add “And then, I’m going to have you.”
    Basic stuff, but perfect.


    Taiwan Tony

    Craig looking at the photographs of Robert’s erect penis was pretty perfect as well.


    Plastic Percy

    “Man, that’s a fine present. He was probably only expecting a tie.”


    Paul Muller

    “We’re still in deep space sir, only now we’re in deep space in the 15th century!”

    Also the slightly deflated “Well, yes.” that follows Rimmer’s line.


    Pete Part Three

    “And you think that’s mine? It’s not possible there is an Andy Hitler or an Ainsley Hitler? And even if it did stand for Adolf, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is mine… Oh no that it is mine.”

    I think most people watching that knew how the line was going to end, but the line reading is so good.





    pi r squared

    …but the line reading is so good.

    It really is. On the night of recording, they did that bit a good 5 or 6 times (with, if I recall correctly, variations of the ‘A’ names used instead of Andy and Ainsley) and the “it is mine” line and delivery got a huge laugh every single time.

    Also from a guest performance, the brilliant “I’m sure there’s no cause for oh dear” in M-Corp is also one of my favourites.


    Taiwan Tony

    “You can’t have been a full member of the golf club, then.” I cite this one because it’s so easy to fuck it up and he does it excellently.


    Ben Paddon

    “Well, it means you’ve got a more tasteful cockpit.” One of my favorite Holly jokes, one of Hattie’s best reads.


    Ben Saunders

    Almost every Hattie line is delivered well, even when it’s just exposition about opening doors



    I’m shocked she never got an Emmy



    Norman – ‘and then they did a jigsaw’ (Thanks For The Memory)

    Chris – ‘It’s you, isn’t it.’ (Timeslides, maybe my favourite line from all of Dwarf)

    Craig – ‘It’s not about the Stirmaster anymore Kryten!!!!!’ (Trojan, lmao well perhaps not, but whatever)
    – ‘Souper!’

    Danny – ‘I’d prefer chicken!’ (Better Than Life)

    Robert – ‘I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column.’ (The Inquisitor)t



    Oh, Danny’s “I will!” after his bulk order of trout a la crème.


    Ben Saunders

    It’s always wwwwiiiinnnnneeeeee



    “Well junior angler’s the best you’re gonna get out of me, buddy!”


    Captain Bollocks

    Look, Lister, there’s no point feeling sorry about Holly. It’s a kindness. Like a blind old incontinent sheepdog, he’s had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barrelled shotgun and blow the mother away.


    Taiwan Tony

    Well I say let’s get out there and twat it.

    I mean, it got its own t shirt for fucks sake



    “Maybe you can stick a spike in your head and pretend you’re the Taj Mahal!”

    “Who? Only a Yogurt.”

    “Someone who badly needed a pen.”



    Not a joke, but I always like how Craig says “stacked to the gills” in Rimmerworld.



    I’ve always chuckled at The Cat’s “Someone get me a brandy!” in Camille.


    Captain Bollocks

    I… am Tarka Dal.


    Pete Part Three

    “Well, this is awful. I’ve got you down for sprouts almost every meal. I tell a lie. It is every meal”

    It’s Gordon Fucking Brittas.



    It’s not comedic, but Craig’s delivery of:

    “I’m pretty cool, I don’t take any smeg, and even though I’m disgusting, sometimes I can be quite brave.”

    Is brilliant. I love his inflection on “disgusting” leading into “I can be quite brave”, such a lovely way of emphasizing the negative into a positive.



    Do I ever find my singing tie pin.

    Listen butter pat head.

    I agree with Veni and appreciate BTE more and more for Lister’s character stuff.



    Cat, from Entangled: “We’re all really sorry, bud. Apart from me, and him, and him.”

    That episode may fall apart as it gets further along, but the parts that weren’t hastily rewritten had some great stuff.


    Seb Patrick

    It’s already been said, but “It’s you, isn’t it?” is probably The One for me.

    And “I’ve always got a pen.”



    “Oh please sir, don’t order me to help you, you know how much I hate helping you!”



    “Then I say fight.”


    Ben Saunders

    “I’m so gorgeous, there’s a six-month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear every time I am near.”


    Captain Bollocks

    “I’ve been reading that fire exit sign over there.”



    “quick, let’s get out of here before they bring him back”



    “they were gonna sort that out in the dub”


    Pete Part Three

    “Noel Edmonds….gotta be Noel Edmonds”

    The re-record of “Smeg Ups….gotta be Smeg Ups” was not nearly as good.



    “I owe my life to him.”



    “Morning!” from Stoke me a clipper is great.

    That whole scene opening is, VII’s style used well, love that pan across the cockpit.


    Pete Part Three

    “Have you got a pen?” the only thing in Entangled worth keeping. Throw the rest in a burning bin, including the context of the line (a shit character has just been killed off and no one cares) , but Criag’s delivery is brilliant.


    Pete Part Three

    Yes. Criag.



    Good or near-perfect cast naming.



    “Rimmer, you couldn’t pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse’s mouth with that one!”



    Just rewatched Justice and the whole of that courtroom scene is full of great line readings with Bobby obviously stealing the show.



    The rate this thread is going we’ll have voted every line in every episode good or near perfect.

    Except for “Starbugs thrusssster” from Cured



    >Except for “Starbugs thrusssster” from Cured

    On the shit list list with “curly shoes and Hugh mass” and “telescape”



    Oh, and for pure grammatical wrongness “I can’t actually see quite clearly” from Out of Time



    ‘The thought occurs…’ all of that is awesome.

    Also, the whole of the ‘well it probably is deja vu’ scene, from Future Echoes, aka one of the best scenes in all of Dwarf.



    Every scene from Legion, which has my favorite scene of all of Red Dwarf in it.

    “Ah, Legion, we have considered our position, and have decided our best option is to make a new life here with you!”

    *reveal of the greatest sight gag in Red Dwarf history*

    “You truly believe I would be deceived by that schlock plan from Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls?”

    I have vivid memories of laughing my ass off at that scene in particular and I never did laugh at Red Dwarf very much. Also I’ve gained further appreciation for Chris’s delivery of “here with you!” and how obviously phony it sounds (it sounds cut-off so there’s probably a deleted scene but I don’t care).



    Honestly, I can write an essay on that scene. How fast-paced the gag is setup and paid off, the complete and utter crapness of the fake Lister coupled with the dramatic walk Legion does toward the table, and the sheer concept that the boys are so idiotic that proves to be their best escape plan. I love, love, love it.

    But anyway, this isn’t about the line itself really, so don’t mind me.



    Legion is brilliant.



    Rimmer’s monologue about why Lister is like his sandwich is one of my favourite bits of Red Dwarf full stop, and I think a lot of that is in the delivery.



    Also: “Because there are nooooo soooounds to hear.”



    Also: “Because there are nooooo soooounds to hear.”

    This is probably my favourite suggested so far.


    Ben Saunders

    One of my favourite line deliveries in Red Dwarf is in The Inquisitor: “…and compete in tales of blood-chilling teh-rawrr.” Why is he being so dramatic lmao



    Yeah the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls stuff gets me every time, beginning with Lister’s description of the plan as ‘truly award-winning’. The reveal of the front of the sculpture with the face drawn on, the ‘schlock plan’ line, and Lister behind Legion in just his union suit, struggling with the other sculpture, is superb. Really builds beautifully.
    Little wonder Legion finished second in the World Cup of Guest Characters. ‘Yes, of course. Primitive. So basic’ as he pulls the wires out of Rimmer’s light bee is another highlight of an all round excellent performance.



    Duct Soup after Kryten Heimlich’s Kochanski, he says “So if worked then?” She pauses and replies “Noooooo it didn’t work!” and while it’s not a particularly hilarious line in one of the worst episodes of Red Dwarf, it’s delivered brilliantly imo.



    Baton twirling practice.



    “When most people think of classic wines, they are unlikely to consider the Estonian reds, yet Estonian grapes are among the fruitiest and most subtle!”

    Mostly because of the way Danny sings the word “fruitiest”.



    Yes, that is good.



    “see you in 10 minutes” … the 3rd one though, that’s when he nails it. The rest aren’t as good imo.



    “Goodness me, it’s Marilyn Monroe!”


    Ben Saunders

    No particular line, but I love the main cult leader dude in Siliconia. A lot of the guest performances in the Dave era are a bit shit, but he really has a unique cadence to the way he speaks, and really involves himself in the role, it’s great to see.



    “he’s so warm and snuggly”



    Or basically anything from Mr Rat. Danny absolutely nails that performance.


    Ben Saunders




    “Sometimes they even sleep with me.” “MMMMMMMMMMMH. Yeah.”

    It’s amazing they pulled that one off.


    Pete Part Three

    That’s what Lister said.



    “Jump-starts the second big bang?”

    The perfect mixture of contempt and incredulity.

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