Better Ending to Officer Rimmer?

[Flap Jack]

I’m just thinking about the way they defeat the Rimmer abomination here; you can put any snarky “Officer Rimmer had an ending?” reactions aside for a moment.

It was well established in the episode that Bio-prints disintegrate once they’ve served their life’s purpose, so: what if they had beaten the Rimmer monster by convincing it that it had fulfilled its purpose?

E.g. they somehow promote the Rimmer monster to Captain, or they make a Bio-print of Rimmer’s dad, and get him to tell the monster that he loves and is proud of him.

You’d have to rewrite some details to make this work, but it might be a more satisfying pay off than just them distracting it for a few seconds so they have a chance to shoot it in the face. -_-

Topic

[International Debris]

Yes, the ‘stops existing when its job is done’ plot seems like such an obvious way to end the episode in an interesting / clever way that it’s hard to believe Doug went with ‘shoot it’.

Of course I’d actually stump for a proper shot of it exploding from bazookoid fire over the ‘we stopped the tape 10 seconds early’ feel of the actual ending.

[Ben Saunders]

All that episode needs is a big BOOM at the end as it cuts to black, I’m telling you. That’s it. And for the credits to come in a bit sooner, to negate the ‘stopped the tape 10 minutes early’ feel.

[bloodteller]

that the monster doesn’t even react to being hit by the bazookoid fire (nor do the shots even seem to impact the monster) makes the ending of the episode all the more awkward- it feels like there’s an effects shot missing here. at least have the monster explode or something, you know?

[bloodteller]

when the episode first came out i remember someone on the forum suggesting that a better end to the episode would have been the monster exploding into a big inky mess, resulting in lister making a crack about rimmer being “really self-absorbed”. that would’ve been quite good

[Moonlight]

As I was first watching the episode, I was expecting them to be ennacting a plan to kill the Rimmonster by tricking it into completing the list they were getting it to make.

Here’s my slightly ironic slightly serious pitch:

After a volley of ineffectual bazookoid fire, Rimmer has a stroke of brilliance and tells the Rimmonster that it has completed its duty now that the Officer’s Club is empty. The Rimmonster dissolves into paper. Rimmer attempts to begin a self-aggrandizing speech about his valor in the face of certain death, but he is quickly cut off as the rest of the crew beat him to death Tikka to Ride-style.

[Bargain Bin Holly]

There’s no reason to have a new ending really, it leaves it pretty clear the boys just killed the Rimmer gestalt and that’s all.

[Dax101]

Red Dwarf has had sudden endings many times before.

Funny enough many of the new shows don’t have great endings but i don’t really have an issue with Officer Rimmers one.

For example in Samsara they solve the mystery and leave… thats fine with me. but why is the Cat that finds the playing card and makes a fuss about it? surely Rimmer should have found it? really odd.

[Ben Saunders]

Because the Cat of oblivious to why he shouldn’t make a big deal over the card and so we can get a nice shot of Rimmer’s reaction, if Rimmer found it it wouldn’t quite play out in the same way and idk if it would be as funny

[Moonlight]

it leaves it pretty clear the boys just killed the Rimmer gestalt and that’s all.

Kindly direct me to the people who are claiming otherwise.

[Flap Jack]

Ha, I literally said that this had nothing to do with the abruptness of the ending, yet people have still ended up discussing the abruptness of the ending. I shouldn’t have fought fate.

OK, here’s another variation:

The Rimmer monster is rampaging through the corridor when Rimmer rushes out in front of him, wearing a curly wig, a fake moustache and a yellow jacket.

“Stop! I know you think you still need to absorb the original Rimmer, but you miscounted! There are no more Rimmers left – so your life’s work is done!”

The monster looks incredulous and gestures at Rimmer.

“Me? Oh no, I get why you’d think I was Rimmer, as we do look very similar, but as you can see- ”

Rimmer gestures at his name tag.

” – I’m Knott.”

[Ben Saunders]

RIMMER MONSTER: You’re not what?

[Moonlight]

Lister: You forgot the last item on the list!

Rimmonster: What’s that?

Lister: Falling down a big hole!

(The Rimmonster falls down a big hole for some reason. The audience is dead silent.)

[Moonlight]

Everyone: Dying!

(The Rimmonster hits a tripwire and a bucket of kippers dumps over top of it. There is a long pause.)

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF

[bloodteller]

lister finds mineopoly cards in the rimmermonster’s pocket and the real cheater is revealed

[Moonlight]

Lister: You forgot the last item on that list!

Rimmonster: What’s that?

Lister: You’re going to be an uncle!

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S KIND OF

[Hamish]

Cat convinces the Rimmonster that he is a psychopath and shoots it in the face.

[Ben Saunders]

Lister reveals that he has passed the chef’s exam and freezers in mid-air while saluting; the rest of the cast remain in motion and act confused.

[Dave]

It turns out the Rimmer monster was actually just Holly. Jape of the decade etc.

[Moonlight]

Rimmer knees the Rimmonster in its many ballsacks and says, “Officer Rimmer die young!”

[cwickham]

Lister: You forgot the last item on that list!

Rimmonster: What’s that?

Lister: The smeg it is!

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S KIND OF

[Dave]

The Rimmer Monster hid in Lister’s clean underpants drawer, where it died of loneliness three years later.

[International Debris]

Rimmer Monster: I need your bike
Lister: You got it!

The Rimmer Monster flies off out of the side of the ship, looking suspiciously like a cutout.

[Dave]

*before Lister can fire, the Rimmer Monster grabs him and breaks his neck*

Kryten: Mr Lister!
Cat: Is he okay?
Kryten: He’s… dead, sir!
Rimmer: The Rimmer Monster’s going to get us. We’ll all be dead in a minute.

*the Rimmer Monster stabs Cat in the eye with a pen*

Rimmer: Cat?
Kryten: Dead. But there may be a…

*the Rimmer Monster crushes Kryten against the wall*

Rimmer: Kryten! There may be a what? A whu-a way out of this? I-is that what you were going to say? Speak, Kryten! How can we change what’s happening…?

*DRAMATIC MUSIC BEGINS*

[Hamish]

Following the barrage of Bazookoid fire, the Rimmonster wakes up on a hospital bed.

LISTER: (VO) Rimmonster? You okay?
RIMMONSTER: What happened to me? Where am I?
CAT: (VO) Quarantine!

The observation window depolarizes, revealing the Cat, Lister, Kryten, and Rimmer dressed in red and white checked gingham dresses, matching bonnets, pigtails, and army boots.

KRYTEN: But don’t worry.
LISTER: We’re here to entertain ya!

Lister squawks like a chicken and flaps his arms as Kryten does a jig and Cat pulls a face. Rimmer just plays with Mr. Flibble for a bit.

[Dave]

The Dwarfers walk up and down the same corridor for a bit until the Rimmer Monster falls through an open manhole into some water. “Thank god for that,” says Cat.

[flanl3]

RIMMER: This is just a dream, isn’t it?
RIMMONSTER: Yep. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy it.

RIMMER THINKS.

RIMMER: Alright. Pipe me!

[flanl3]

Wait a minute. What if all of Can of Worms was just Cat’s wet dream?

[Moonlight]

Lister sneaks up behind the Rimmonster and pours the sexual magnetism over its shoulder. It is then gang raped.

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF

[International Debris]

The Rimmer Monster realises it’s cornered, whips out a mop head and some false teeth and sneaks past the crew in its Dibbley ‘disguise’ to the tune of ‘Little Green Bag’.

[cwickham]

Lister: You forgot the last item on that list!

Rimmonster: What’s that?

Lister: Fuck my arse we’re on the last page of the script!

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF

[Ian Symes]

LISTER: You forgot the last item on that list!

RIMMONSTER: What’s that?

LISTER: Saying “nureek”.

[Dax101]

Turns out it was the Rimmer Squid all along and everyone wakes up.

[bloodteller]

LISTER: You forgot the last item on that list!

RIMMONSTER: What’s that?

*The Taxman emerges from the closet*

TAXMAN: My eighteen grand! Come on, it’s bone crunching time, me old china. Now where’s those little thumbies?

*Thump*

GAME OVER

[International Debris]

RIMMER: What’s that?
LISTER: Dying!
RIMMER: That’s ‘Dying, Mr. Rimmer Sir!’

*jumps into the air*

[cwickham]

Lister: You forgot to set a course for the last item on that list!

Rimmonster: What’s that?

Lister: The slime’s coming home!

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF

[Pete Part Three]

Lister: You forgot to set a course for the last item on that list!

Rimmonster: What’s that?

Lister: Souper

[Rimmonster dies of embarrassment]

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF NEXT ON DAVE SOME MORE RED DWARF OR MAYBE TOP GEAR I DON’T KNOW

[Ben Saunders]

Lister: You forgot to set a course for the last item on that list!

Rimmonster: What’s that?

Kryten: You are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever been my misfortune to encounter!

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF

[cwickham]

Lister: You forgot to set a course for the last item on that list!

Rimmonster: What’s that?

Lister: The second Rimmonster, which was much less intelligent than the first, [small amount of laughter obviously pasted in from elsewhere] stowed away in my clean underpants drawer – where it died of old age many years later! [Bigger, equally obviously pasted in laugh]

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF

[Hamish]

RIMMER: Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?

KRYTEN: Where are we going?

RIMMER: We’re going to do to the Rimmonster what Alexander the Great once did to me.

[Moonlight]

I failed to get “Rimmonster” to catch on in the initial discussion of Officer Rimmer when it aired. A year and a half later I succeed.

[Dave]

*a second Rimmer Monster appears, carrying two baby Rimmer Monsters*

Rimmer Monster (shouting): I CAN’T SEE YOU BUT I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME. I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET YOUR TWO SONS: THIS IS RIMMER, AND THIS IS MONSTER. OH, STOP CRYING AND SAY SPITONAWRIST, BOYS!

[Flap Jack]

[The Rimmonster rampages down the corridor with astonished, excited grins on its faces.]

Rimmonster: “Kryten, unpack Rachelmonster and get out the puncture repair kit! I’m alive! I can touch, I can feel, I can absorb other Rimmers, I’m alive! Don’t you think it’s incredible? I. AM. ALIVE!”

[The Rimmonster is suddenly bombarded with bazookoid fire until it explodes.]

Cat: “What was he saying?”

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF

[cwickham]

[CAT, KRYTEN and LISTER see the RIMMONSTER staring at them silently. It holds up a card, on which is written:]

“I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.”

[The RIMMONSTER puts down the card and holds up a second:]

“I may never speak again.”

LISTER: You forgot the last card in that conversation!

[The RIMMONSTER selects a new card:]

“What’s that?”

LISTER: DYING!

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE THERE’S NO KIND OF ATMOSPHERE

[International Debris]

Rimmonster: It’s Wednesday night; it’s amateur Hammond organ recital night. Ok, take it away Skutters!

DOODLY-DOO-DOO

[Dave]

*Lister hands the Rimmer Monster an envelope. The Rimmer Monster opens it.*

RIMMER MONSTER: (Reads letter) “What an absolute

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

[Ridley]

“You’re a model employee? In that case, ‘step into my officer’.”

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

[flanl3]

RIMMONSTER: Open it! Open it! I want to see what the last thing I’ll be doing is!

LISTER OPENS THE POD, AND PULLS OUT THE ETERNAL ENDLESS VOID, HOLDING IT UP IN THE WINDOW. RIMMONSTER MAKES A FACE OF PRIDE THAT SLOWLY MORPHS INTO DISGUST.

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE, THERE’S NO KIND OF

RIMMONSTER: It’s dying!

ATMOSPHERE, I’M ALL ALONE,

RIMMONSTER: It’s smegging dying!

MORE OR LESS, LET ME LIE

[cwickham]

RIMMONSTER: It’s blue for not dying, right?
LISTER: Yes!
RIMMONSTER: Oh, good news, excellent news, Listy!
LISTER: Oh, thank God!
RIMMONSTER: I’m going to be an angel!

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

[flanl3]

TALKIE LISTER: Would you like the last thing you’re going to be doing?

RIMMONSTER: NO DYING!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S

[Ian Symes]

MORE OR LESS, LET ME LIE

wat

[Author]

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