Rimmericks

[si]

I saw this over at TOS yesterday, and am a little surprised it’s not been mentioned here (as far as I’ve noticed), not even by that TOSser, Seb:

http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/competition/

So, yeah…prizes for poetry, and everything. Let’s see…

A shithole site set up by Symes
Lent itself well to making up rhymes.
A Dwarf ship that’s Red,
Where everyone’s dead,
‘Cept for Lister, who knows all his lines.

Anyway,competition ends Friday, 12pm (lunchtime, yeah?).

Topic

[Pecospete666]

You should win at both sites! I do not know what G&T are giving away but they should reward this effort!

[Pecospete666]

SI II think a night with Melanie Robinson would be a good G&T gift
http://twosexyladiescbd.wordpress.com

[Phil]

There was a commenter named Pete
His input was always a treat
“It’s Vogans!” he’d say
In that adorable way
And the admins would reach for “delete”

[anniescribe]

Good luck you eligible UK cats
Alas, for us American brats
Dave thinks we’re slags
And we can’t get goodie bags
We’re only wanted for our DVD stats

[Moonlight]

Red Dwarf had many a quote
Which caused the forum to dote
Over buttery puns
They came out in tons
The brilliant ones made us all gloat

[Seb Patrick]

There was a young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Who had a trans-Menai-Strait-travelling cock
From his home he could screw with
His girl in Bontnewydd
That happy young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

[si]

There was a young man from Sheffield
Who was shit at limericks.

[HelloMabel]

I’m digging these, especially the butter one!
Here’s my attempt:

A studious young man from Japanymede
Was researching Titan and Ganymede.
But he stumbled on this site
And, caught up in its shite,
Said, “Sayonara, five-year planymede!”

[Danny Stephenson]

There was a young man called Lister,
If Kochanski showed up he’d’ve kissed her,
But it’s only a dream,
Or so it would seem,
For the proof: on his hand is a blister…

[Reece]

I wanted to enter the competition,
But my hopes will not meet fruition.
It’s a load of bull,
I’m not eligible,
Oh shit, something from Red Dwarf… eh… inquisition.

[Pecospete666]

Phil you win a night with Melanie Robinson too.
http://twosexyladiescbd.wordpress.com
Just give Ian the bills!

How come nobody pissed and moaned about my new avatar?

[Phil]

There once was a pile of poo
Though some would call it Pete Part 2
“A dinosaur’s loose!
The ship’s full of shit juice!”
Screamed cartoonish shells of the crew.

[Jonathan Capps]

This THIS is a good thread.

[MANI506]

I used underpantski twice.

[HelloMabel]

Some topics I’m tired of (or hate):
Why ‘slag’, said by Dave, was just great!
Why Norm was a jerk,
Just how *do* light bees work?
But most of all, seven v. eight.

Gladly accepting suggestions on how to fit ‘which Rimmer it is’ in there. :)

[Ben Paddon]

I used underpantski twice.

Red Dwarf has come back from hiatus,
And so limericks have been created.
But spent my time instead
Nominating this thread
for that coveted Hall of Fame Status.

[peepingsignal]

I once met a man from Red Dwarf,
I told him I owned a Wharf.
He asked me for proof,
and not so aloof,
I told him to go fuck himself.

…that’s how it works, right?

[si]

I am actually struggling to come up with a competition entry. :/

Mind you, SFX are running a competition with almost identical prizes, and no poetry skills necessary… http://www.sfx.co.uk/2012/11/14/red-dwarf-x-competition/

[takerdemon]

I suck at limericks but here’s an futile attempt.

Lister committed crimes that were petty,
Kryten found kebabs brown and sweaty,
The Cat’s pretty dumb,
And the other one,
His mum likes alphabetti spaghetti

[Phil]

Lister said “slags” in Polymorph
It’s true, he said “slags” in Polymorph
I thought this was your favorite show
I can’t believe you didn’t know
That Lister said “slags” in Polymorph.

[takerdemon]

I think this one is a little better than my first effort actually. Simple yet effective… as you can tell I’ve mastered pomposity even if say so myself!

In The End he was a joke among men,
He’s snuffed it a few times since then,
That wasn’t goodbye,
You live once then die,
But sometimes you can live again.

[Bexley Heath]

Red Dwarf scripts are written quite witt’ly
But they’re almost as funny done shitly
The Smegups are great stuff
I just can’t get enough
Of watching Chris Barrie say “chitley”.

[Ben Kirkham]

He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
Without him life would be much grimmer,
He’s also a fantastic swimmer –

Oh, hang on.

[HelloMabel]

takerdemon and Bexley, this is for you:

Look at this fine pair of limericks
Worthy of the title of ‘Rimmericks’.
Should you meet Chris Barrie
At DJ, please carry
Your Rimmericks right up to him-mericks.

[si]

Just over twelve hours left to send my email. I’m still having trouble actually coming up with something that might win. Has anyone actually entered?

[anniescribe]

If those of you who are eligible to enter don’t do it, I’m gonna choke a bitch. I have three and I can’t do a thing with them. So enter, already.

[Blisschick]

^^ This, because I can’t enter, either, and my poetry streak has been sucked away by my current English class.

[HelloMabel]

> I can’t do a thing with them.

You could always post them here. Just a thought. :)

[takerdemon]

> Your Rimmericks right up to him-mericks.

This line broke me. Kudos!

I’ve entered, I expect nothing but since I thought it was written already and the rest of my life is only going to be 30 seconds, WHAT THE HELL!

[Pete Part Three]

If there’s one thing I’m shit at, it’s limericks,
So I’m jealous of you lot, you pricks,
Tried to think of a rhyme
But I ran Out of Time
Like that episode from Red Dwarf VI

[CoziFantozzi]

There was a technician called Rimmer
His long-service medals a-glimmer
With Cadmium 2
He murdered the crew
And chance of promotion looked slimmer

[MANI506]

I actually had the idea of using underpantski twice and entering it today. I thought a good natured reference to series seven might endear me to Doug. Sadly I had the idea two hours after the competition closed. Oh well, the DVD will be bought and devoured on Monday anyway.

The love of my life Kochanski
A stir in my underpantski
I sit by the machine
As the laundry cleans
And rotates her underpantski…

It’s crap.

[HelloMabel]

> A studious young man from Japanymede
> Was researching Titan and Ganymede.
> But he stumbled on this site
> And, caught up in its shite,
> Said, “Sayonara, five-year planymede!”

A lovely Red Dwarf fan from Brighton
Has an urge that there’s just no use fightin’.
When she meets that Japanymeder
She’ll find that he can complete ‘er –
Guess where they’ll meet? ________ _ _____!

[SgtSmileyUK]

lol many inspiring rhymes there.

There was a fashionable feline named Cat
In the days when Doug was Phat
and Dave was much slimmer,
and hung out with rimmer
so Kryten plucked up his Strat.

Didnt enter, as the time came too fast
I was really meanta but couldnt be arsed.
thought tO site seemed like my cup of tea,
but I dont like tea or beer only coffee.
and something green to put in de rolly.

another ting I dislike I should say
is smegging knobs , god there so gay…
but lucky for you all I came here today
to keep u updated on my RDX game coming this way….

[si]

Cheers.

[RedDwarfFan2982]

I wrote a couple(I’ll post all but the one I entered, for now)

Upon the mining ship Red Dwarf
the crew came across a polymorph
There was a big commotion
As it stole their emotions
Rimmer’s anger was fourth

My series X themed one:
Rimmer met his brother, Howard and lied
The crew took Jesus for a ride
Simulants attacking
BEGGs are snacking
Cesiumfrancholithicmixialabidumrixidixidoxidexidroxide

When Marooned, you know it’s crucial
To ration food, when escape is futile
The dog food was a disappointment
Aswell as the bonjella gum ointment
And worse to come is the dreaded pot noodle

Rimmer is a man of many goals
Tries his hardest with his soul
His failure, he blames
His parents and nicknames
on rare occasions he’s called Arsehole

Let me know what you guys think :)

[HelloMabel]

> Let me know what you guys think :)

Of those four I liked the Polymorph one the best. :)

[Pecospete666]

I liked series X!

[Reece]

Pretty sure Pecospete666 is the clear winner here.

[Ben Paddon]

PecosPete liked Series X,
So hilarious he wet his kecks!
His favourite scene
was the vending machine
being lifted but looking like sex.

[clem]

There once was a man with a plan.
He’d planned it – it was his plan.
On a farm he’d breed horses
With horses and horses
But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

[clem]

There once was a slob and a cat,
A robot and an utter twat,
A computer named Holly,
Rimmer’s blow-up dolly,
Some skutters and a CGI rat.

I think my competition entry was better than those, but not much.

[Pete Part Three]

There once was a man with a plan.
He’d planned it – it was his plan.
On a farm he’d breed horses
With horses and horses
But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

Awesome.

[Bexley Heath]

To make their show pre-watershed
Rob and Doug coined the swearword “smeghead”
But innocent mentions
by kids at conventions
are something the cast’s come to dread.

When fanficcers write about Rimsy
the pretexts are always quite flimsy
When thinking of Listy
his eyes go all misty
What happens next goes beyond whimsy.

[si]

There once was a man with a plan.
He’d planned it – it was his plan.
On a farm he’d breed horses
With horses and horses
But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

I’m with Pete Part Three, Clem – that is, indeed, Awesome.

[Seb Patrick]

Shall I be the annoying pedant who points out it doesn’t scan properly, then?

[Seb Patrick]

(That sounded mean. I do think it’s good. It just possibly needs a slight tweaking.)

[Jonathan Capps]

To my eyes, it just needs an extra word in the second line. Something like “He planned it for it was his plan” but better.

[si]

I read that line with a beat’s pause where the dash was.

[NoFro]

I thought the line was a reference to “It was me plan! I planned it.”

[Author]

Replies