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  • #203737
    si
    Participant

    I saw this over at TOS yesterday, and am a little surprised it’s not been mentioned here (as far as I’ve noticed), not even by that TOSser, Seb:

    http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/competition/

    So, yeah…prizes for poetry, and everything. Let’s see…

    A shithole site set up by Symes
    Lent itself well to making up rhymes.
    A Dwarf ship that’s Red,
    Where everyone’s dead,
    ‘Cept for Lister, who knows all his lines.

    Anyway,competition ends Friday, 12pm (lunchtime, yeah?).

    #203738
    Pecospete666
    Participant

    You should win at both sites! I do not know what G&T are giving away but they should reward this effort!

    #203743
    Pecospete666
    Participant

    SI II think a night with Melanie Robinson would be a good G&T gift
    http://twosexyladiescbd.wordpress.com

    #203744
    Phil
    Participant

    There was a commenter named Pete
    His input was always a treat
    “It’s Vogans!” he’d say
    In that adorable way
    And the admins would reach for “delete”

    #203751
    anniescribe
    Participant

    Good luck you eligible UK cats
    Alas, for us American brats
    Dave thinks we’re slags
    And we can’t get goodie bags
    We’re only wanted for our DVD stats

    #203752
    Katydid
    Participant

    Red Dwarf had many a quote
    Which caused the forum to dote
    Over buttery puns
    They came out in tons
    The brilliant ones made us all gloat

    #203754
    Seb Patrick
    Keymaster

    There was a young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
    Who had a trans-Menai-Strait-travelling cock
    From his home he could screw with
    His girl in Bontnewydd
    That happy young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

    #203756
    si
    Participant

    There was a young man from Sheffield
    Who was shit at limericks.

    #203757
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    I’m digging these, especially the butter one!
    Here’s my attempt:

    A studious young man from Japanymede
    Was researching Titan and Ganymede.
    But he stumbled on this site
    And, caught up in its shite,
    Said, “Sayonara, five-year planymede!”

    #203759
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    There was a young man called Lister,
    If Kochanski showed up he’d’ve kissed her,
    But it’s only a dream,
    Or so it would seem,
    For the proof: on his hand is a blister…

    #203765
    Reece
    Participant

    I wanted to enter the competition,
    But my hopes will not meet fruition.
    It’s a load of bull,
    I’m not eligible,
    Oh shit, something from Red Dwarf… eh… inquisition.

    #203766
    Pecospete666
    Participant

    Phil you win a night with Melanie Robinson too.
    http://twosexyladiescbd.wordpress.com
    Just give Ian the bills!

    How come nobody pissed and moaned about my new avatar?

    #203784
    Phil
    Participant

    There once was a pile of poo
    Though some would call it Pete Part 2
    “A dinosaur’s loose!
    The ship’s full of shit juice!”
    Screamed cartoonish shells of the crew.

    #203788
    Jonathan Capps
    Keymaster

    This THIS is a good thread.

    #203818
    MANI506
    Participant

    I used underpantski twice.

    #203826
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    Some topics I’m tired of (or hate):
    Why ‘slag’, said by Dave, was just great!
    Why Norm was a jerk,
    Just how *do* light bees work?
    But most of all, seven v. eight.

    Gladly accepting suggestions on how to fit ‘which Rimmer it is’ in there. :)

    #203829
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    I used underpantski twice.

    Red Dwarf has come back from hiatus,
    And so limericks have been created.
    But spent my time instead
    Nominating this thread
    for that coveted Hall of Fame Status.

    #203830
    Brayds2006
    Participant

    I once met a man from Red Dwarf,
    I told him I owned a Wharf.
    He asked me for proof,
    and not so aloof,
    I told him to go fuck himself.

    …that’s how it works, right?

    #203852
    si
    Participant

    I am actually struggling to come up with a competition entry. :/

    Mind you, SFX are running a competition with almost identical prizes, and no poetry skills necessary… http://www.sfx.co.uk/2012/11/14/red-dwarf-x-competition/

    #203853
    takerdemon
    Participant

    I suck at limericks but here’s an futile attempt.

    Lister committed crimes that were petty,
    Kryten found kebabs brown and sweaty,
    The Cat’s pretty dumb,
    And the other one,
    His mum likes alphabetti spaghetti

    #203858
    Phil
    Participant

    Lister said “slags” in Polymorph
    It’s true, he said “slags” in Polymorph
    I thought this was your favorite show
    I can’t believe you didn’t know
    That Lister said “slags” in Polymorph.

    #203861
    takerdemon
    Participant

    I think this one is a little better than my first effort actually. Simple yet effective… as you can tell I’ve mastered pomposity even if say so myself!

    In The End he was a joke among men,
    He’s snuffed it a few times since then,
    That wasn’t goodbye,
    You live once then die,
    But sometimes you can live again.

    #203863
    Bexley Heath
    Participant

    Red Dwarf scripts are written quite witt’ly
    But they’re almost as funny done shitly
    The Smegups are great stuff
    I just can’t get enough
    Of watching Chris Barrie say “chitley”.

    #203864
    Ben Kirkham
    Participant

    He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
    Without him life would be much grimmer,
    He’s also a fantastic swimmer –

    Oh, hang on.

    #203874
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    takerdemon and Bexley, this is for you:

    Look at this fine pair of limericks
    Worthy of the title of ‘Rimmericks’.
    Should you meet Chris Barrie
    At DJ, please carry
    Your Rimmericks right up to him-mericks.

    #203875
    si
    Participant

    Just over twelve hours left to send my email. I’m still having trouble actually coming up with something that might win. Has anyone actually entered?

    #203877
    anniescribe
    Participant

    If those of you who are eligible to enter don’t do it, I’m gonna choke a bitch. I have three and I can’t do a thing with them. So enter, already.

    #203879
    Blisschick
    Participant

    ^^ This, because I can’t enter, either, and my poetry streak has been sucked away by my current English class.

    #203893
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    > I can’t do a thing with them.

    You could always post them here. Just a thought. :)

    #203895
    takerdemon
    Participant

    > Your Rimmericks right up to him-mericks.

    This line broke me. Kudos!

    I’ve entered, I expect nothing but since I thought it was written already and the rest of my life is only going to be 30 seconds, WHAT THE HELL!

    #203898
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    If there’s one thing I’m shit at, it’s limericks,
    So I’m jealous of you lot, you pricks,
    Tried to think of a rhyme
    But I ran Out of Time
    Like that episode from Red Dwarf VI

    #203908
    CoziFantozzi
    Participant

    There was a technician called Rimmer
    His long-service medals a-glimmer
    With Cadmium 2
    He murdered the crew
    And chance of promotion looked slimmer

    #203909
    MANI506
    Participant

    I actually had the idea of using underpantski twice and entering it today. I thought a good natured reference to series seven might endear me to Doug. Sadly I had the idea two hours after the competition closed. Oh well, the DVD will be bought and devoured on Monday anyway.

    The love of my life Kochanski
    A stir in my underpantski
    I sit by the machine
    As the laundry cleans
    And rotates her underpantski…

    It’s crap.

    #203921
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    > A studious young man from Japanymede
    > Was researching Titan and Ganymede.
    > But he stumbled on this site
    > And, caught up in its shite,
    > Said, “Sayonara, five-year planymede!”

    A lovely Red Dwarf fan from Brighton
    Has an urge that there’s just no use fightin’.
    When she meets that Japanymeder
    She’ll find that he can complete ‘er –
    Guess where they’ll meet? ________ _ _____!

    #203962
    SgtSmileyUK
    Participant

    lol many inspiring rhymes there.

    There was a fashionable feline named Cat
    In the days when Doug was Phat
    and Dave was much slimmer,
    and hung out with rimmer
    so Kryten plucked up his Strat.

    Didnt enter, as the time came too fast
    I was really meanta but couldnt be arsed.
    thought tO site seemed like my cup of tea,
    but I dont like tea or beer only coffee.
    and something green to put in de rolly.

    another ting I dislike I should say
    is smegging knobs , god there so gay…
    but lucky for you all I came here today
    to keep u updated on my RDX game coming this way….

    #203966
    si
    Participant

    Cheers.

    #203977
    RedDwarfFan2982
    Participant

    I wrote a couple(I’ll post all but the one I entered, for now)

    Upon the mining ship Red Dwarf
    the crew came across a polymorph
    There was a big commotion
    As it stole their emotions
    Rimmer’s anger was fourth

    My series X themed one:
    Rimmer met his brother, Howard and lied
    The crew took Jesus for a ride
    Simulants attacking
    BEGGs are snacking
    Cesiumfrancholithicmixialabidumrixidixidoxidexidroxide

    When Marooned, you know it’s crucial
    To ration food, when escape is futile
    The dog food was a disappointment
    Aswell as the bonjella gum ointment
    And worse to come is the dreaded pot noodle

    Rimmer is a man of many goals
    Tries his hardest with his soul
    His failure, he blames
    His parents and nicknames
    on rare occasions he’s called Arsehole

    Let me know what you guys think :)

    #204001
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    > Let me know what you guys think :)

    Of those four I liked the Polymorph one the best. :)

    #204020
    Pecospete666
    Participant

    I liked series X!

    Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

    #204021
    Reece
    Participant

    Pretty sure Pecospete666 is the clear winner here.

    #204028
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    PecosPete liked Series X,
    So hilarious he wet his kecks!
    His favourite scene
    was the vending machine
    being lifted but looking like sex.

    #204031
    clem
    Participant

    There once was a man with a plan.
    He’d planned it – it was his plan.
    On a farm he’d breed horses
    With horses and horses
    But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

    #204039
    clem
    Participant

    There once was a slob and a cat,
    A robot and an utter twat,
    A computer named Holly,
    Rimmer’s blow-up dolly,
    Some skutters and a CGI rat.

    I think my competition entry was better than those, but not much.

    #204041
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    There once was a man with a plan.
    He’d planned it – it was his plan.
    On a farm he’d breed horses
    With horses and horses
    But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

    Awesome.

    #204042
    Bexley Heath
    Participant

    To make their show pre-watershed
    Rob and Doug coined the swearword “smeghead”
    But innocent mentions
    by kids at conventions
    are something the cast’s come to dread.

    When fanficcers write about Rimsy
    the pretexts are always quite flimsy
    When thinking of Listy
    his eyes go all misty
    What happens next goes beyond whimsy.

    #204051
    si
    Participant

    There once was a man with a plan.
    He’d planned it – it was his plan.
    On a farm he’d breed horses
    With horses and horses
    But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

    I’m with Pete Part Three, Clem – that is, indeed, Awesome.

    #204054
    Seb Patrick
    Keymaster

    Shall I be the annoying pedant who points out it doesn’t scan properly, then?

    #204055
    Seb Patrick
    Keymaster

    (That sounded mean. I do think it’s good. It just possibly needs a slight tweaking.)

    #204057
    Jonathan Capps
    Keymaster

    To my eyes, it just needs an extra word in the second line. Something like “He planned it for it was his plan” but better.

    #204058
    si
    Participant

    I read that line with a beat’s pause where the dash was.

    #204062
    NoFro
    Participant

    I thought the line was a reference to “It was me plan! I planned it.”

    #204069
    Pecospete666
    Participant

    Benny the Blade.

    Went on a crusade.

    Looking for a slag to shag.

    He found a old hag.

    And When she started to gag.

    She told him she was a old queen in drag

    Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

    #204070
    clem
    Participant

    Thanks for the praise guys. Seb you palestine! TOS is shit bring back Ellard etc. ;)
    Did you enter the competition in the end then Si?

    > I thought the line was a reference to “It was me plan! I planned it.”

    It was.

    #204073
    Uncle Monty
    Participant

    >Benny the Blade.
    >Went on a crusade.
    >Looking for a slag to shag.
    >He found a old hag.
    >And When she started to gag.
    >She told him she was a old queen in drag

    That’s not a limerick, you twat.

    #204074
    Reece
    Participant

    That’s not a limerick, you twat.

    You’re right.

    It’s a Rimmerick.

    #204076
    si
    Participant

    I did enter the competition, yes. Came up with something just after 11am on friday. Saw a Tweet not long ago saying that the cast has picked a winner today, and that we’d know more tomorrow. Assuming I don’t win, I’ll post my entry here then.

    #204077
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    The limerick’s premise is simple,
    You’ve just got to… uh…
    um…
    er….
    …dimple.

    #204102
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    > Shall I be the annoying pedant who points out it doesn’t scan properly, then?

    That’s rich coming from Mr. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch! ;)

    #204103
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    There was a young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
    Who thought he had warts on his cock,
    This first diagnosis,
    Was just simple psychosis,
    It was Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis….

    #204117
    Ben Kirkham
    Participant

    Danny wins, I think.

    #204130
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    But it’s not a limerick.

    #204133
    Ben Kirkham
    Participant

    No, but I’m in awe of the spelling. I’ve been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, lovely place.

    As for actual limericks, I love Clem’s ‘plan’ one, though there are many of high quality.

    #204134
    si
    Participant

    RedDwarfHQ have just Tweeted a link to a vid of the cast reading the winning entry – alas it’s not mine, but to be fair, it is pretty good.

    http://t.co/y639wAsH

    For what it’s worth, my entry(below) had a similar theme to the winner, I thought…

    *ahem*

    Red Dwarf was a hulking great Miner,
    With a crew-you’d be pushed to find finer.
    Wiped out in a blast,
    Now it’s crewed by the last
    Man alive…it’s no luxury Liner.

    #204136
    SgtSmileyUK
    Participant

    lol was that it? the simplest one won. I was sure going by some of the aboves standards that it was gonna contain a little more. Im not Jealous cos I didnt even enter but i gotta admit some Ive seen blew me away with their brilliance that I thought Id have no chance. still, we got a lotta chuckles out of Limericks again so erm, which way is out

    #204138
    RedDwarfFan2982
    Participant

    Here’s the one I entered:
    Anything can happen when you are alone
    Stuck in space a long way from home
    Spend the night getting drunk
    Then waking up in your bunk
    Thinking “Where the smeg did I get this traffic cone?”

    #204140
    NoFro
    Participant

    There was a BSC SSC swimmer
    Who by his parents was treated as dimmer
    He found his brother was a dope
    New parentage gave him hope
    And by the end of “The Beginning” he was a winner

    #204141
    anniescribe
    Participant

    Awww. NoFro’s is definitely the cutest.

    #204152
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    I think a lot of the limericks were rejected because THEY AREN’T SMEGGING LIMMERICKS.

    #204155
    Jonsmad
    Participant

    Here’s the limmerick I sent in.

    I asked the computer called Pree.
    To send in this Limmerick for me.
    She said “I’ll save you some time”
    “You dont win, no need to complete your last rhyme”
    . . .

    #204158
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    I don’t think they were keen on my palindromic haiku.

    #204162
    Bexley Heath
    Participant

    The winning entry:

    “There once was ship that was red
    Her crew, for the most part, were dead
    Wiped out on a mission
    By the 2nd Technician
    What a total and utter SMEG HEAD!”

    Jeeeeezus. IMHO, that’s rubbish. I can see why they’d choose to pick something so obvious and unoriginal as the winner, since the T&Cs implied they might use it in marketing. But still, I reckon there should be a follow-up competition which actually encourages the kind of witty micro-referencing that’s been going on in this thread (e.g. Clem’s effort).

    …Not that I’m bitter…

    #204164
    Seb Patrick
    Keymaster

    >I don’t think they were keen on my palindromic haiku.

    Critics dislike you
    If you write rhyming haiku
    Imagine their whines
    At a haiku with four lines

    #204166

    This is genuinely my entry:

    There was a writer called Naylor,
    Whose movie funding attempts were a failure,
    The fans started to sadden,
    Red Dwarf: The Movie wouldn’t happen,
    But then Dave became their saviour

    I can’t understand why I didn’t win.

    #204167
    anniescribe
    Participant

    Iambic pentameter not even given a chance
    Shakespeare in his grave’s rolling in a dance

    I was not eligible, so I bloody couldn’t try
    The DVD itself, I couldn’t even really buy
    “It’s my best gift idea” said Sister Dear
    So if by Thanksgiving it is still not here
    Surely I should have it by the Fourth of July

    #204210
    Reece
    Participant

    My entry:

    I like Stork Margarine because I’ve only got one leg.

    #204216
    Alex
    Participant

    Might have won if you’d enclosed a fiver.

    #204217
    Reece
    Participant

    Might have won if you’d enclosed a fiver.

    Mum’s the word!

    #204242
    Ben Kirkham
    Participant

    Slip Digby won it. The organist.

    #204248
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    That’s not what they said in court…

    #204353
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    > I think my competition entry was better than those, but not much.

    What was it, Clem?

    #204356
    si
    Participant

    There once was a CENSORED named CENSORED,
    Who reckoned CENSORED was CENSORED!
    When CENSORED said CENSORED,
    CENSORED and CENSORED got CENSORED,
    Now CENSORED is CENSORED cunt!

    #204362
    SgtSmileyUK
    Participant

    chuckled@Si love it

    #204373
    dodgelister
    Participant

    There once was a competition online
    Where we each entered a rhyme
    I was hungover
    And wrote when it was over
    So no one ever read mine :(

    #204454
    clem
    Participant

    > What was it, Clem?

    There once was a roguey named Hogey.
    He was a demented old fogey,
    But with his wiblifier
    The Dwarfers escaped from a dire
    Situation as sticky as bogies.

    #204463
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    Buh BAH bah buh BAH bah bah BUH,
    Muh MAH mah muh MAH mah mah MUH,
    Buh BEE bee boo BEE,
    Duh DEE dee doo DEE,
    Luh LAH lah luh LAH lah lah LUH.

    #204466
    HelloMabel
    Participant

    > But it’s not a limerick.

    > I think a lot of the limericks were rejected because THEY AREN’T SMEGGING LIMMERICKS

    > Buh BAH bah buh BAH bah bah BUH, […]

    Hang on. Are you trying to tell me everybody’s dead…wrong? ;)

    #204472
    anniescribe
    Participant

    Gordon Bennett, Mabel, everybody’s wrong. Everybody’s wrong, Mabel. Wrong, everybody is, Mabel!

    #205019
    stooeyking
    Participant

    We are the boys from the Dwarf,
    We’re about 3 million years off course,
    We’ve fought simulantants, psirens and GELFs,
    Hallucinations and personifications of ourselves,
    And 2– some say 3– Polymorphs.

    #214320
    Blisschick
    Participant

    One night drinking wine, I came upon a thread
    That I had forgotten and now seemed dead.
    I drank a little more,
    And realized that before
    I should have had more in my head.

    (Okay, so it’s a horrible limerick. I’ve had a bottle and don’t care. Cheers. Now revive this thread. Some of you were good at this.)

    #214322
    si
    Participant

    Four years on and nothing has changed
    We’re all a bit weird and deranged
    Reviving old threads
    We thought long since dead
    And na na na something restrained

    #214323
    si
    Participant

    Wanted to change the last line to ‘We’re all still decidedly strange’. It scans better.
    But I can’t.

    #214324
    Blisschick
    Participant

    Aw. Okay, I’ll just read it that way. For you.

    #214325
    si
    Participant

    Ta.

    #214327
    Nick R
    Participant

    A guest star from Scotland called Craig
    Human Confidence was who he played.
    He moved to the States –
    The cruellest of fates!
    ‘Cos everyone there calls him Cregg.

    #214330
    clem
    Participant

    Many fans didn’t like Taiwan Tony.
    Racial stereotypes make them moany,
    But at Pree they went “Phwoar!”
    Now they’re hungry for more.
    Let’s all hope XI’s not pony.

    #214332
    GlenTokyo
    Participant

    Not gonna lie, didn’t read the date on the post, oh well.

    There once was a lifeform known as the cat,
    Wherever he wanted he shat,
    A smelly gift in your shoe,
    He could do it on queue,
    Confronted, “Deal with that” he said with a splat.

    There was a young scouser called Lister,
    His arse was beginning to blister,
    A curry so hot,
    He was glued to the pot,
    Spewing what could be called a shit geyser

    #214339
    (deleted)
    Member

    In ’07 those guys Doug and Rob
    Reconvened to talk shop through their gob
    For no reason then
    They split up again
    Which was really strange and no-one mentions it I mean it was genuinely quite confusing at the time and I still haven’t fathomed what the deal was and when was that Son Of Cliche reunion only cause he seems to have gone a bit disassociative with it all again and they don’t follow each other on Twitter I checked out of curiosity cause I’m a nosey knob.

    #214341
    performingmonkey
    Participant

    They didn’t exactly ‘split up again’ seeing as there was no indication they were gonna rekindle their writing partnership. What is ‘really strange and no-one mentions it’ is the fact that Rob was script editor on the first series of Stressed Eric.

    #214342
    (deleted)
    Member

    I find it easiest to think of them in terms of the Mitch & Mickey plotline in A Mighty Wind. That’s pretty much exactly The Grant Naylor Story.

    (I’m also being largely frivolous – I’d much rather them have rekindled their friendship, however long-distance, than their professional partnership, and that’s obviously what happened. But that didn’t make a bathetically funny last line to a limerick.)

    #214373

    Us G&Ters are getting old and fat
    Just like the Dwarfers (except Cat)
    We’ve matured a touch
    No one says “cunt” as much
    And hardly a mention of a foaming twat

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