Rimmericks

[si]

I saw this over at TOS yesterday, and am a little surprised it’s not been mentioned here (as far as I’ve noticed), not even by that TOSser, Seb:

http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/competition/

So, yeah…prizes for poetry, and everything. Let’s see…

A shithole site set up by Symes
Lent itself well to making up rhymes.
A Dwarf ship that’s Red,
Where everyone’s dead,
‘Cept for Lister, who knows all his lines.

Anyway,competition ends Friday, 12pm (lunchtime, yeah?).

[Pecospete666]

You should win at both sites! I do not know what G&T are giving away but they should reward this effort!

[Pecospete666]

SI II think a night with Melanie Robinson would be a good G&T gift
http://twosexyladiescbd.wordpress.com

[Phil]

There was a commenter named Pete
His input was always a treat
“It’s Vogans!” he’d say
In that adorable way
And the admins would reach for “delete”

[anniescribe]

Good luck you eligible UK cats
Alas, for us American brats
Dave thinks we’re slags
And we can’t get goodie bags
We’re only wanted for our DVD stats

[Katydid]

Red Dwarf had many a quote
Which caused the forum to dote
Over buttery puns
They came out in tons
The brilliant ones made us all gloat

[Seb Patrick]

There was a young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Who had a trans-Menai-Strait-travelling cock
From his home he could screw with
His girl in Bontnewydd
That happy young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

[si]

There was a young man from Sheffield
Who was shit at limericks.

[HelloMabel]

I’m digging these, especially the butter one!
Here’s my attempt:

A studious young man from Japanymede
Was researching Titan and Ganymede.
But he stumbled on this site
And, caught up in its shite,
Said, “Sayonara, five-year planymede!”

[Danny Stephenson]

There was a young man called Lister,
If Kochanski showed up he’d’ve kissed her,
But it’s only a dream,
Or so it would seem,
For the proof: on his hand is a blister…

[Reece]

I wanted to enter the competition,
But my hopes will not meet fruition.
It’s a load of bull,
I’m not eligible,
Oh shit, something from Red Dwarf… eh… inquisition.

[Pecospete666]

Phil you win a night with Melanie Robinson too.
http://twosexyladiescbd.wordpress.com
Just give Ian the bills!

How come nobody pissed and moaned about my new avatar?

[Phil]

There once was a pile of poo
Though some would call it Pete Part 2
“A dinosaur’s loose!
The ship’s full of shit juice!”
Screamed cartoonish shells of the crew.

[Jonathan Capps]

This THIS is a good thread.

[MANI506]

I used underpantski twice.

[HelloMabel]

Some topics I’m tired of (or hate):
Why ‘slag’, said by Dave, was just great!
Why Norm was a jerk,
Just how *do* light bees work?
But most of all, seven v. eight.

Gladly accepting suggestions on how to fit ‘which Rimmer it is’ in there. :)

[Ben Paddon]

I used underpantski twice.

Red Dwarf has come back from hiatus,
And so limericks have been created.
But spent my time instead
Nominating this thread
for that coveted Hall of Fame Status.

[Brayds2006]

I once met a man from Red Dwarf,
I told him I owned a Wharf.
He asked me for proof,
and not so aloof,
I told him to go fuck himself.

…that’s how it works, right?

[si]

I am actually struggling to come up with a competition entry. :/

Mind you, SFX are running a competition with almost identical prizes, and no poetry skills necessary… http://www.sfx.co.uk/2012/11/14/red-dwarf-x-competition/

[takerdemon]

I suck at limericks but here’s an futile attempt.

Lister committed crimes that were petty,
Kryten found kebabs brown and sweaty,
The Cat’s pretty dumb,
And the other one,
His mum likes alphabetti spaghetti

[Phil]

Lister said “slags” in Polymorph
It’s true, he said “slags” in Polymorph
I thought this was your favorite show
I can’t believe you didn’t know
That Lister said “slags” in Polymorph.

[takerdemon]

I think this one is a little better than my first effort actually. Simple yet effective… as you can tell I’ve mastered pomposity even if say so myself!

In The End he was a joke among men,
He’s snuffed it a few times since then,
That wasn’t goodbye,
You live once then die,
But sometimes you can live again.

[Bexley Heath]

Red Dwarf scripts are written quite witt’ly
But they’re almost as funny done shitly
The Smegups are great stuff
I just can’t get enough
Of watching Chris Barrie say “chitley”.

[Ben Kirkham]

He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
Without him life would be much grimmer,
He’s also a fantastic swimmer –

Oh, hang on.

[HelloMabel]

takerdemon and Bexley, this is for you:

Look at this fine pair of limericks
Worthy of the title of ‘Rimmericks’.
Should you meet Chris Barrie
At DJ, please carry
Your Rimmericks right up to him-mericks.

[si]

Just over twelve hours left to send my email. I’m still having trouble actually coming up with something that might win. Has anyone actually entered?

[anniescribe]

If those of you who are eligible to enter don’t do it, I’m gonna choke a bitch. I have three and I can’t do a thing with them. So enter, already.

[Blisschick]

^^ This, because I can’t enter, either, and my poetry streak has been sucked away by my current English class.

[HelloMabel]

> I can’t do a thing with them.

You could always post them here. Just a thought. :)

[takerdemon]

> Your Rimmericks right up to him-mericks.

This line broke me. Kudos!

I’ve entered, I expect nothing but since I thought it was written already and the rest of my life is only going to be 30 seconds, WHAT THE HELL!

[Pete Part Three]

If there’s one thing I’m shit at, it’s limericks,
So I’m jealous of you lot, you pricks,
Tried to think of a rhyme
But I ran Out of Time
Like that episode from Red Dwarf VI

[CoziFantozzi]

There was a technician called Rimmer
His long-service medals a-glimmer
With Cadmium 2
He murdered the crew
And chance of promotion looked slimmer

[MANI506]

I actually had the idea of using underpantski twice and entering it today. I thought a good natured reference to series seven might endear me to Doug. Sadly I had the idea two hours after the competition closed. Oh well, the DVD will be bought and devoured on Monday anyway.

The love of my life Kochanski
A stir in my underpantski
I sit by the machine
As the laundry cleans
And rotates her underpantski…

It’s crap.

[HelloMabel]

> A studious young man from Japanymede
> Was researching Titan and Ganymede.
> But he stumbled on this site
> And, caught up in its shite,
> Said, “Sayonara, five-year planymede!”

A lovely Red Dwarf fan from Brighton
Has an urge that there’s just no use fightin’.
When she meets that Japanymeder
She’ll find that he can complete ‘er –
Guess where they’ll meet? ________ _ _____!

[SgtSmileyUK]

lol many inspiring rhymes there.

There was a fashionable feline named Cat
In the days when Doug was Phat
and Dave was much slimmer,
and hung out with rimmer
so Kryten plucked up his Strat.

Didnt enter, as the time came too fast
I was really meanta but couldnt be arsed.
thought tO site seemed like my cup of tea,
but I dont like tea or beer only coffee.
and something green to put in de rolly.

another ting I dislike I should say
is smegging knobs , god there so gay…
but lucky for you all I came here today
to keep u updated on my RDX game coming this way….

[si]

Cheers.

[RedDwarfFan2982]

I wrote a couple(I’ll post all but the one I entered, for now)

Upon the mining ship Red Dwarf
the crew came across a polymorph
There was a big commotion
As it stole their emotions
Rimmer’s anger was fourth

My series X themed one:
Rimmer met his brother, Howard and lied
The crew took Jesus for a ride
Simulants attacking
BEGGs are snacking
Cesiumfrancholithicmixialabidumrixidixidoxidexidroxide

When Marooned, you know it’s crucial
To ration food, when escape is futile
The dog food was a disappointment
Aswell as the bonjella gum ointment
And worse to come is the dreaded pot noodle

Rimmer is a man of many goals
Tries his hardest with his soul
His failure, he blames
His parents and nicknames
on rare occasions he’s called Arsehole

Let me know what you guys think :)

[HelloMabel]

> Let me know what you guys think :)

Of those four I liked the Polymorph one the best. :)

[Pecospete666]

I liked series X!

[Reece]

Pretty sure Pecospete666 is the clear winner here.

[Ben Paddon]

PecosPete liked Series X,
So hilarious he wet his kecks!
His favourite scene
was the vending machine
being lifted but looking like sex.

[clem]

There once was a man with a plan.
He’d planned it – it was his plan.
On a farm he’d breed horses
With horses and horses
But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

[clem]

There once was a slob and a cat,
A robot and an utter twat,
A computer named Holly,
Rimmer’s blow-up dolly,
Some skutters and a CGI rat.

I think my competition entry was better than those, but not much.

[Pete Part Three]

There once was a man with a plan.
He’d planned it – it was his plan.
On a farm he’d breed horses
With horses and horses
But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

Awesome.

[Bexley Heath]

To make their show pre-watershed
Rob and Doug coined the swearword “smeghead”
But innocent mentions
by kids at conventions
are something the cast’s come to dread.

When fanficcers write about Rimsy
the pretexts are always quite flimsy
When thinking of Listy
his eyes go all misty
What happens next goes beyond whimsy.

[si]

There once was a man with a plan.
He’d planned it – it was his plan.
On a farm he’d breed horses
With horses and horses
But for Krissie, he’d need a dustpan.

I’m with Pete Part Three, Clem – that is, indeed, Awesome.

[Seb Patrick]

Shall I be the annoying pedant who points out it doesn’t scan properly, then?

[Seb Patrick]

(That sounded mean. I do think it’s good. It just possibly needs a slight tweaking.)

[Jonathan Capps]

To my eyes, it just needs an extra word in the second line. Something like “He planned it for it was his plan” but better.

[si]

I read that line with a beat’s pause where the dash was.

[NoFro]

I thought the line was a reference to “It was me plan! I planned it.”

[Pecospete666]

Benny the Blade.

Went on a crusade.

Looking for a slag to shag.

He found a old hag.

And When she started to gag.

She told him she was a old queen in drag

[clem]

Thanks for the praise guys. Seb you palestine! TOS is shit bring back Ellard etc. ;)
Did you enter the competition in the end then Si?

> I thought the line was a reference to “It was me plan! I planned it.”

It was.

[Uncle Monty]

>Benny the Blade.
>Went on a crusade.
>Looking for a slag to shag.
>He found a old hag.
>And When she started to gag.
>She told him she was a old queen in drag

That’s not a limerick, you twat.

[Reece]

That’s not a limerick, you twat.

You’re right.

It’s a Rimmerick.

[si]

I did enter the competition, yes. Came up with something just after 11am on friday. Saw a Tweet not long ago saying that the cast has picked a winner today, and that we’d know more tomorrow. Assuming I don’t win, I’ll post my entry here then.

[Ben Paddon]

The limerick’s premise is simple,
You’ve just got to… uh…
um…
er….
…dimple.

[HelloMabel]

> Shall I be the annoying pedant who points out it doesn’t scan properly, then?

That’s rich coming from Mr. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch! ;)

[Danny Stephenson]

There was a young man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
Who thought he had warts on his cock,
This first diagnosis,
Was just simple psychosis,
It was Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis….

[Ben Kirkham]

Danny wins, I think.

[Ben Paddon]

But it’s not a limerick.

[Ben Kirkham]

No, but I’m in awe of the spelling. I’ve been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, lovely place.

As for actual limericks, I love Clem’s ‘plan’ one, though there are many of high quality.

[si]

RedDwarfHQ have just Tweeted a link to a vid of the cast reading the winning entry – alas it’s not mine, but to be fair, it is pretty good.

http://t.co/y639wAsH

For what it’s worth, my entry(below) had a similar theme to the winner, I thought…

*ahem*

Red Dwarf was a hulking great Miner,
With a crew-you’d be pushed to find finer.
Wiped out in a blast,
Now it’s crewed by the last
Man alive…it’s no luxury Liner.

[SgtSmileyUK]

lol was that it? the simplest one won. I was sure going by some of the aboves standards that it was gonna contain a little more. Im not Jealous cos I didnt even enter but i gotta admit some Ive seen blew me away with their brilliance that I thought Id have no chance. still, we got a lotta chuckles out of Limericks again so erm, which way is out

[RedDwarfFan2982]

Here’s the one I entered:
Anything can happen when you are alone
Stuck in space a long way from home
Spend the night getting drunk
Then waking up in your bunk
Thinking “Where the smeg did I get this traffic cone?”

[NoFro]

There was a BSC SSC swimmer
Who by his parents was treated as dimmer
He found his brother was a dope
New parentage gave him hope
And by the end of “The Beginning” he was a winner

[anniescribe]

Awww. NoFro’s is definitely the cutest.

[Ben Paddon]

I think a lot of the limericks were rejected because THEY AREN’T SMEGGING LIMMERICKS.

[Jonsmad]

Here’s the limmerick I sent in.

I asked the computer called Pree.
To send in this Limmerick for me.
She said “I’ll save you some time”
“You dont win, no need to complete your last rhyme”
. . .

[Pete Part Three]

I don’t think they were keen on my palindromic haiku.

[Bexley Heath]

The winning entry:

“There once was ship that was red
Her crew, for the most part, were dead
Wiped out on a mission
By the 2nd Technician
What a total and utter SMEG HEAD!”

Jeeeeezus. IMHO, that’s rubbish. I can see why they’d choose to pick something so obvious and unoriginal as the winner, since the T&Cs implied they might use it in marketing. But still, I reckon there should be a follow-up competition which actually encourages the kind of witty micro-referencing that’s been going on in this thread (e.g. Clem’s effort).

…Not that I’m bitter…

[Seb Patrick]

>I don’t think they were keen on my palindromic haiku.

Critics dislike you
If you write rhyming haiku
Imagine their whines
At a haiku with four lines

[Jason aka Smeg4Brains]

This is genuinely my entry:

There was a writer called Naylor,
Whose movie funding attempts were a failure,
The fans started to sadden,
Red Dwarf: The Movie wouldn’t happen,
But then Dave became their saviour

I can’t understand why I didn’t win.

[anniescribe]

Iambic pentameter not even given a chance
Shakespeare in his grave’s rolling in a dance

I was not eligible, so I bloody couldn’t try
The DVD itself, I couldn’t even really buy
“It’s my best gift idea” said Sister Dear
So if by Thanksgiving it is still not here
Surely I should have it by the Fourth of July

[Reece]

My entry:

I like Stork Margarine because I’ve only got one leg.

[Alex]

Might have won if you’d enclosed a fiver.

[Reece]

Might have won if you’d enclosed a fiver.

Mum’s the word!

[Ben Kirkham]

Slip Digby won it. The organist.

[Danny Stephenson]

That’s not what they said in court…

[HelloMabel]

> I think my competition entry was better than those, but not much.

What was it, Clem?

[si]

There once was a CENSORED named CENSORED,
Who reckoned CENSORED was CENSORED!
When CENSORED said CENSORED,
CENSORED and CENSORED got CENSORED,
Now CENSORED is CENSORED cunt!

[SgtSmileyUK]

chuckled@Si love it

[dodgelister]

There once was a competition online
Where we each entered a rhyme
I was hungover
And wrote when it was over
So no one ever read mine :(

[clem]

> What was it, Clem?

There once was a roguey named Hogey.
He was a demented old fogey,
But with his wiblifier
The Dwarfers escaped from a dire
Situation as sticky as bogies.

[Ben Paddon]

Buh BAH bah buh BAH bah bah BUH,
Muh MAH mah muh MAH mah mah MUH,
Buh BEE bee boo BEE,
Duh DEE dee doo DEE,
Luh LAH lah luh LAH lah lah LUH.

[HelloMabel]

> But it’s not a limerick.

> I think a lot of the limericks were rejected because THEY AREN’T SMEGGING LIMMERICKS

> Buh BAH bah buh BAH bah bah BUH, […]

Hang on. Are you trying to tell me everybody’s dead…wrong? ;)

[anniescribe]

Gordon Bennett, Mabel, everybody’s wrong. Everybody’s wrong, Mabel. Wrong, everybody is, Mabel!

[stooeyking]

We are the boys from the Dwarf,
We’re about 3 million years off course,
We’ve fought simulantants, psirens and GELFs,
Hallucinations and personifications of ourselves,
And 2– some say 3– Polymorphs.

[Blisschick]

One night drinking wine, I came upon a thread
That I had forgotten and now seemed dead.
I drank a little more,
And realized that before
I should have had more in my head.

(Okay, so it’s a horrible limerick. I’ve had a bottle and don’t care. Cheers. Now revive this thread. Some of you were good at this.)

[si]

Four years on and nothing has changed
We’re all a bit weird and deranged
Reviving old threads
We thought long since dead
And na na na something restrained

[si]

Wanted to change the last line to ‘We’re all still decidedly strange’. It scans better.
But I can’t.

[Blisschick]

Aw. Okay, I’ll just read it that way. For you.

[si]

Ta.

[Nick R]

A guest star from Scotland called Craig
Human Confidence was who he played.
He moved to the States –
The cruellest of fates!
‘Cos everyone there calls him Cregg.

[clem]

Many fans didn’t like Taiwan Tony.
Racial stereotypes make them moany,
But at Pree they went “Phwoar!”
Now they’re hungry for more.
Let’s all hope XI’s not pony.

[GlenTokyo]

Not gonna lie, didn’t read the date on the post, oh well.

There once was a lifeform known as the cat,
Wherever he wanted he shat,
A smelly gift in your shoe,
He could do it on queue,
Confronted, “Deal with that” he said with a splat.

There was a young scouser called Lister,
His arse was beginning to blister,
A curry so hot,
He was glued to the pot,
Spewing what could be called a shit geyser

[(deleted)]

In ’07 those guys Doug and Rob
Reconvened to talk shop through their gob
For no reason then
They split up again
Which was really strange and no-one mentions it I mean it was genuinely quite confusing at the time and I still haven’t fathomed what the deal was and when was that Son Of Cliche reunion only cause he seems to have gone a bit disassociative with it all again and they don’t follow each other on Twitter I checked out of curiosity cause I’m a nosey knob.

[performingmonkey]

They didn’t exactly ‘split up again’ seeing as there was no indication they were gonna rekindle their writing partnership. What is ‘really strange and no-one mentions it’ is the fact that Rob was script editor on the first series of Stressed Eric.

[(deleted)]

I find it easiest to think of them in terms of the Mitch & Mickey plotline in A Mighty Wind. That’s pretty much exactly The Grant Naylor Story.

(I’m also being largely frivolous – I’d much rather them have rekindled their friendship, however long-distance, than their professional partnership, and that’s obviously what happened. But that didn’t make a bathetically funny last line to a limerick.)

[Jason aka Smeg4Brains]

Us G&Ters are getting old and fat
Just like the Dwarfers (except Cat)
We’ve matured a touch
No one says “cunt” as much
And hardly a mention of a foaming twat

[Author]

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