Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum The Greatest Pun Of All Time

Viewing 36 posts - 1 through 36 (of 36 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1996
    pfm
    Participant

    I came across (no pun intended) this page which includes the following line –

    And the former Hollyoaks star, 22, hopes her 34F curves will turn Myleene Klass?s D-cups into a distant mammary.

    and it made me think, ‘why are we here, what is our purpose in life and our place in the universe? Do we really deserve our existence as sentient beings? Let’s just end it all now, shall we?’ No it didn’t actually, it made me think the word ‘mammary’ is quite funny, isn’t it? Ah, you’ve got to love the world. Here’s a couple of puns –

    – A boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital. When his grandmother called to ask how he was a nurse said ?No change yet?. *ba dum tsh*

    – If you don?t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

    – What’s the definition of a will? Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!

    Apparently, the greatest ever pun is in the Bible, the line ‘Thou art Peter, and on this rock I shall build my church’ is apparently a pun/joke because the name ‘Peter’ is translated from Latin as ‘rock’ or ‘stone’, so it’s essentially a joke (albeit not a very good one) that the whole of the Church is built upon! He he.

    Why so serious?

    #125482
    Seb Patrick
    Keymaster

    Gemma Atkinson is wrong, anyway, because her tits are nasty and fake, and Myleene’s are natural and lovely. So there.

    Ahem. What were we talking about, again?

    My favourite pun ever comes (sadly) from a Sun headline, after (then) lower-league chancers Inverness Caledonian Thistle knocked high-fliers Celtic out of some Scottish cup or other :

    SUPER CALLY GO BALLISTIC : CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS

    #125484
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Gotta love The Sun’s reaction to Sven’s appointment as England manager : “SWEDE FA”

    #125494
    mick
    Participant

    Man: Hello there, I’d like to purchase a watch.

    Watchmaker: Analogue?

    Man: No just the watch.

    #125496
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    is this a Tim Vine Appreciation Thread, then?

    #125502
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    Man : Hello I would like to sign up for your Yoga classes…

    Woman : How flexible are you?

    Man : I can’t make Thursdays…

    #125503
    Ian Symes
    Keymaster

    Swedish Chemist’s Shop.

    – Hello. I’d like to buy some deodorant.
    – Ball, or aerosol?
    – Neither, I want it for my armpits.

    #125507
    pfm
    Participant

    – Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other
    says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

    – A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

    – A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

    – Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true,” exclaims Daisy, “no bull!”

    – The undercover cop’s plan was foiled by a pesky smurf, who blue his cover.

    – I always prayed during my maths tests. One time it worked. I received a sine from above. (get it? a ‘sine’ from above! not a ‘sign’ from above, a ‘SINE’ from above!!! you’ve got to admit that’s fucking funny……seriously, ‘sine’, that’s ‘SINE’ from above!!!!)

    #125510
    Andrew
    Participant

    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Put it in a microwave and wait until its Bill Withers.

    #125511
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    What do you call a japanese boxer who’s father has diarrhoea…

    A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy pappy!

    #125512
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    What’s the difference between a nun and a woman in the bath?

    One has hope in her soul…

    #125513
    Phil
    Participant

    >wait until its Bill Withers.

    Jesus Christ.

    #125515
    John Hoare
    Participant

    What?s the difference between a nun and a woman in the bath?

    One has hope in her soul?

    Danny wins.

    #125518
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    :D

    #125519
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    VICTOLY.

    #125545
    Paul Muller
    Participant

    It was Christmas Eve I was walking to the village church for the late night carol service. As I strolled down the road, I saw old Roger the farmer, stood in a field with a shetland pony. He was caressing it gently with his hands, running them up and down it’s back and mane.

    “Are you not coming to the carol service Roger?” I called.

    “Ahh not tonight,” replied the farmer.

    “But it’ll do you good, a big old sing-along, it clears your chest!” I said.

    “I know,” replied Roger, “But I’m feeling a little horse at the moment.”

    #125546
    John Hoare
    Participant

    This is my favourite thread ever.

    #125547
    Phil
    Participant

    It was Christmas Eve I was walking to the village church for the late night carol service. As I strolled down the road, I saw old Brutus the farmer, stood in a field with his wife. He was stabbing her continuously in both eyes with a big knife.

    ?Are you not coming to the carol service Brutus?? I called.

    ?Ahh not tonight,? replied the farmer.

    ?But it?ll do you good, a big old sing-along, it clears your chest!? I said.

    ?I know,? replied Brutus, ?But I?m stabbing my wife in the face at the moment.?

    #125548
    John Hoare
    Participant

    THIS IS MY FAVOURITE THREAD EVER.

    #125550
    Ian Symes
    Keymaster

    I knew this kid at school was really into tractors. He was completely obsessed with them, to the extent that his father had to intervene. He said “son, I’m worried about you and your tractor fascination. It’s just not normal. You need to give it up. Tell you what, if you can make it through til the end of the week without reading your tractor magazines, or watching your tractor videos, I’ll take you to McDonalds for your tea on Friday.”

    And so, the kid duly agreed. It was tough, but he made it through to the end of the week without any sort of tractor activities at all. His father kept his end of the bargain, and took him to McDonalds. On the way there, the son told the dad that he’d seen what a fool he’d been, and that he now thought that tractors were rubbish. He had absolutely no interest in tractors any more.

    When they got to the counter to give their order, the fire alarm went off. There was a fire in the kitchen! With complete calm and composure, the boy walked into the kitchen, sucked all the flames and smoke up through his mouth, walked over to the door, and blew it all out safely in to the open air. The McDonalds staff were shocked, but delighted. As they offered the pair a free meal, the restaurant manager asked the father exactly how the boy did it.

    “It’s all right,” said the dad, “he’s an ex-tractor fan.”

    #125551
    Andrew
    Participant

    I read the first line and the punchline. It seemed quicker.

    #125555

    John, if you’re a fan of puns, I suspect you’d really like the works of the Marx Brothers (if you don’t already).

    #125558
    Ian Symes
    Keymaster

    > I read the first line and the punchline. It seemed quicker.

    Philistines!

    #125559
    Ian Symes
    Keymaster

    > John, if you?re a fan of puns, I suspect you?d really like the works of the Marx Brothers (if you don?t already).

    John is possibly the biggest fan of puns in the world, and yet he has never seen Airplane!

    #125561
    Baz
    Participant

    Surely you can’t be serious?

    #125562
    Jonathan Capps
    Keymaster

    He is serious. And, funnily enough, he IS called Shirley. Ian is just his stage name.

    #125563
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Ah, but has he ever seen a grown man naked?

    #125564
    Jonathan Capps
    Keymaster

    Do you like movies about gladiators?

    #125565
    Seb Patrick
    Keymaster

    Looks like I picked a fine day to quit sniffing glue.

    #125566
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    > Ah, but has he ever seen a grown man naked?

    That’s not as bad as the line that it replaced…

    #125567
    mick
    Participant

    wasn’t is something like “have you ever sucked a mans cock?” ?

    #125568
    Danny Stephenson
    Keymaster

    that’s the badger…

    #125569
    Phil
    Participant

    >wasn?t is something like ?have you ever sucked a mans cock?? ?

    Wow. Much more vulgar, but I’d say it’s probably only about 10% as funny. It was a change for the best.

    #125580
    Seb Patrick
    Keymaster

    After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

    The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

    Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”. “No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

    The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced that he had found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

    The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”.

    “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

    The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

    The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”.

    The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armlessmman’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

    Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

    “I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but…. he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

    #125596
    Andrew
    Participant

    Again, reading just the first and last lines allows one to get the gist without wasting a lot of time ‘reading’…

    #125598
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hahaha! I did exactly the same thing but also spotted a punchline in the middle.

Viewing 36 posts - 1 through 36 (of 36 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.