Draft To Reality

It’s the best episode of Red Dwarf of all time. Undefeated in all four of our anniversary polls so far, more often than not the winner of other wide-ranging surveys by the Smegazine and Better Than Life, and even given a special BBC2 repeat screening under the title The Best Ever Red Dwarf. It happened to be the first episode I ever saw, probably the one I’ve rewatched the most, and quite possibly the single piece of media in the entire history of human civilisation that I’m most familiar with. I could quote every line of dialogue word for word, perfectly duplicating the intonation. I can picture each and every visual effect in my mind’s eye. It taught me the words “seppuku”, “twonk” and “calamari”. After 33 years, what more could we possibly learn about this episode? Well…

I recently came into possession of a rather special script. Dated 1991. Series V. Show One. Draft One. Back To Reality. The very first draft of the very best episode of our favourite show. Only a small handful of deleted scenes are included on the DVD. A version of the script was released as part of the Primordial Soup book, but that was a much later draft, and doesn’t contain anything that wasn’t either in the episode or on the DVD. We know a lot about this episode, but we don’t know how it started out, before it was honed to perfection. Let’s do this.

We don’t have long to wait until our first piece of “new” material, coming as it does on the very first pages of the script. As a bonus, let’s also include the full scene-setting stage directions, as Primordial Soup only features a much cut-down version.

MODEL SHOT

EERIE MUSIC.
UNDERWATER. AN OCEAN BED
STRANGE, UNFAMILIAR FLORA AND FAUNA. NO FISH.
(WE MIGHT EVEN INTERCUT WITH STOCK)
WE PAN ALONG THE DETAILS OF A CRASHED SPACESHIP, THE SSS ESPERANTO.
THE MUSIC SHOCKS US, AND SUDDENLY, TWO BRILLIANT, GLARING LIGHTS FLARE THROUGH THE WATER INTO THE CAMERA
GRADUALLY, WE MAKE OUT IT IS STARBUG, SETTLING ON THE OCEAN BED, CLOSE TO THE WRECK.
OVER, WE HEAR:

CREW
(TECH GOBBLEDEGOOK, ENDING IN:)
The flounder has landed!

There’s more, but we’ll pause here to note that Rob and Doug didn’t even bother to specify the technobabble that the crew would be spouting, nor which of them it is that’s speaking. This leads straight into three whole scenes that were never filmed, and mostly excluded from the script book.

UNDERWATER TANK

WE SEE A FUTURISTIC DIVING BOOT CRUNCH ONTO THE OCEAN BED. IT STEPS OUT OF FRAME, AND THE BOOT OF THE FOLLOWING DIVER CRUNCHES INTO SHOT.

A LOW ANGLE SHOT: LISTER IN DIVING SUIT, CARRYING SALVAGE EQUIPMENT, A VERY POWERFUL TORCH ON TOP OF HIS HELMET. WE CAN SEE HIS FACE THROUGH THE HELMET VISOR, WHICH IS LIT FROM INSIDE THE SUIT.

INT STARBUG COCKPIT UNDERSEA

RIMMER IS HUNCHED OVER A MONITOR, WHICH IS RELAYING SHOTS FROM LISTER’S POV.

LISTER
(DISTORT – RADIO LINK. EACH SPEECH PROCEEDED BY A BURST OF STATIC) We’ve got the airlock. It’s rusted up. We’re torching our way in.

RIMMER GLANCES OVER AT A COMPUTER READOUT

RIMMER
Your vital signs are good. Pressure stable. You’ve got forty minutes.

LISTER
(FZZT) It’s incredible down here, Rimmer. The plants … the colours … the peace. So tranquil. It’s like … it’s like God’s bedroom, man. I wish you could see it.

RIMMER
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Bloody hippy.

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) We’re through, sir.

OB. INT. CRASHED VESSEL LOW LIGHT

(WE MIGHT EVEN GO BACK TO THE THAMES WATER PUMPING STATION AND SHOOT IN THOSE DARK PASSAGES AND RECESSES)

THE SHIP HAS BEEN HERE FOR SOME TIME. WATER DRIPS FROM VARIOUS PIPES. THERE IS A FILM OF WATER ON THE FLOOR. IT’S SO DARK AND GLOOMY, WE CAN’T MAKE OUT MUCH MORE.

THE CAT, LISTER AND KRYTEN APPEAR FROM AROUND A CORNER IN THEIR DIVING SUITS AND BRIGHT TORCHES, AND BEGIN CAUTIOUSLY WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
KRYTEN HAS A PSI SCAN.
HE SPOTS SOMETHING (A TERMINAL) ON THE BULKHEAD

Only the very last couple of paragraphs are included in Primordial Soup, sadly omitting the note about a potential filming location. They did indeed film it in the famous Sunbury Pumphouse, as revealed in one of our previous script forays. Lister describing things that were presumably too expensive to film is interesting, as is Rimmer’s response, but I’m glad they stuck to their nerve and went for an entirely joke-free opening for the finished episode, maintaining the dark tone for as long as possible.

This then leads into Kryten informing Rimmer that they’ve located the black box terminal, which is the where the actual final episode opens. There are a handful of minor dialogue differences in the following scenes, none of which are covered in Primordial Soup.

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) Mr. Rimmer, sir. It’s only me, sir. Just to say we’ve located the black box terminal. We’re hooking up a remote link. You should be getting something now …

RIMMER
Final entry: routine stuff. They spent the day cataloguing and indexing the new life forms … Then it stops.

LISTER
(VO – FZZZZT) Suddenly a salvage operation doesn’t sound quite so sexy.

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) No implication intended, sir. It’s purely an observation.

LISTER
(FZZZT) You’re saying some huge great damn fish has come along and eaten everything, aren’t you? You’re saying there’s some kind of gigantic prehistoric leviathan out there who’s wolfing its way through this entire ocean.

From wolf to pork, like The Three Little Pigs. I’m amused by Kryten’s almost apologetic tone when first contacting Rimmer, but it’s perhaps a hangover from earlier in Kryten’s development, rather than something the much more confident Series V version would do. We then come to the first big woofer of the episode, and an apt opportunity to see evolution in action.

CAT
(FZZZT) Wait a minute – I’ve got it: Don’t fish swim south for the winter?

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) No sir, they don’t.

CAT
(FZZZT) There’s no such thing as fish bank holidays? No chance they’ve all gone away for the weekend?

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) Unlikely.

It’s a decent gag, but the one in the final episode is much funnier, as well as being shorter and snappier. I’d love to know how exactly that change came about – was it Rob and/or Doug going back to the script and tinkering, or did it come about more organically with the cast during rehearsals? Relatively minor alterations to the next few lines reveal a handful of discarded details about the dead crew members – the first was “approximately 35”, the second was “male… Afro-Carribean… late twenties” – before a rare early example of a Series VIII-ification of a joke is averted.

CAT
(FZZZT) Hold it, hang five, guys, I’m getting something: (INDICATES THE [NOW OOV] CORPSES) He committed suicide, he committed suicide, he committed suicide, and the fish committed suicide: there’s some kind of link there that I can’t quite put my finger on.

KRYTEN
(WISTFUL – FZZZT) Suicide …

CAT
(SNAPS FINGERS – FZZZT) That’s it!

Next, when Lister finds the venom, he says “Kryten – what’s this stuff?” in the script, rather than “hang on a minute guys, check this” in the episode. We then go in to what is the first deleted scene in the relevant section of the DVD, where Kryten stands around blabbering whilst in mortal danger. Just to add extra layers of deletedness, there are a handful of differences between what was initially scripted and what was shot, most but not all of which were included in the Primordial Soup version of the script.

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) Just completing the chemical analysis. Ah.  Oh. We have answers.

LISTER
(FZZZT) For what?

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) Unfortunately, for everything.

LISTER
(FZZZT) What? What?

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) Oh yes, uhm, ahhh, well … No, wait … ermmm … Yes. No. Better still … Yes. Uh, Suh, sir, I am invoking Space Corps directive 1947945, which clearly states that a mechanoid may issue orders to human crew members if the lives of said crew members are directly or indirectly under threat from a hitherto unperceived source, and there is inadequate time to explain the precise nature of the enormous and most imminent … yes, terribly imminent, death threat. Under these conditions I therfore empowered to issue the order – (IN THE SAME TONE) Get the hell out of here.

LISTER
(FZZZT) I’m history.

THEY MAKE TO MOVE OFF

In the version they filmed, Cat and Lister have already scarpered by the time Kryten gets to the order, so he doesn’t get to actually give it. As indicated by the red sections, some bits got trimmed down between script and location, and the actual directive number Robert gives is 1975456/6. Insert Series VI style gag here. What’s really interesting is seeing the tools they would eventually use to disguise the removal of this section, laid bare in the script.

INT. STARBUG COCKPIT. GLOOMY

SHOT: LISTER’S POV MONITOR, SHOOTING THE FLOOR AS HE RUNS TOWARDS THE AIRLOCK.

RIMMER
What’s happening?

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) Entering airlock – we’re on our way back, sir.

LISTER’S BOOTS JUMP INTO THE AIRLOCK. WE HEAR AIRLOCK DOOR CLOSE.

KRYTEN
(FZZZT) Repressurising, now.

RIMMER
Kryten – what’s going on?

We assume that this was all shot as scripted, with the exception of Kryten’s “repressurising” line going to Lister, but then rearranged in the edit. We cut out of the previous scene early, and so the information that the crew have scarpered has to be conveyed another way. So when they cut to Rimmer in the cockpit, they have to borrow some audio from another episode. Both iterations of Kryten saying “we have to go” are taken directly from The Inquisitor. It was hiding in plain sight all these years, but now we know the reason why. Furthermore, the POV footage of the crew running away is used in full screen, rather than shown on Starbug’s monitor, which allows them to shorten the gap between Rimmer’s two lines. The effect of all of this is that the story beat of Kryten analysing the venom and the crew hastily running for the airlock in a panic takes about ten seconds rather than a minute or so, maintaining the action packed pace and elevating the sense of peril.

There’s one small but notable change to the airlock scene – Cat likens the situation to “Saturday night at the knitting circle” rather than the Wailing Wall. Then we go into the deleted scene of Rimmer’s attempted joke telling, which remarkably Chris performs almost completely verbatim from the script, even down to the placement of the pauses and stuttering. The subsequent Starbug scene has one brief addition which isn’t included in the deleted scenes, so it’s unclear whether or not it was shot.

RIMMER
This venom. Are we safe in here?

LISTER
Rimmer – it penetrated the hull of a class D Space Corps seeding ship. In comparison, we’re a sardine tin.

HOLLY
The venom is absorbed into the hull’s metal at a molecular level. It can pass through pretty well anything.

CAT
Hey – we survived one dose. We can do it again.

KRYTEN
That was only an incredibly mild exposure, diluted over who knows how long. A direct hit …

RIMMER
It’s moving.

Perhaps having extra detail of how the venom works at this precise stage, making it fresh in the audience’s minds, would be too much of a blatant clue as to what’s going on in the subsequent scenes. Next up, a minor rewrite to Lister’s line and Cat’s subsequent reply.

LISTER
I say move. There’s only three alternatives – It thinks we’re either a threat, food or a mate. It’s going to either kill us, eat us or hump us. We’ve got two shots at staying alive: either we dress the Starbug in sexy octopus lingerie, close our eyes and think of earth, or we get the hell out of here, PDQ. Vote?

CAT
Are you out of your mind? To be humped by a giant squid – on a first date? We go.

The dialogue remains the same for the remainder of the crew’s death, but the stage directions reveal some interesting details that didn’t make the final cut. We were supposed to see a tentacle ripping off one of Starbug’s landing legs, which was perhaps a little ambitious. Although it’s interesting to note that even in this very first draft, it’s specified that “WE SEE AS LITTLE OF THE SEA CREATURE AS POSSIBLE – SHADOWS, DETAILS, ETC”, so it wasn’t a decision based on the perceived limitations of the model, like with the Self-Loathing Beast earlier in this series.

The following stage direction is included in Primordial Soup, but I’m adding it here anyway because it’s so cool.

MODEL SHOT:

STARBUG EXPLODES AND EVERYONE IS KILLED.

SO WE NEED AN EXPLOSION WHICH IS SO COMPLETE, NO-ONE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE SURVIVED IT.

WE SEE DEBRIS SINK TO THE OCEAN BED, INCLUDING KRYTEN’S HEAD, AND MAYBE THE ODD LIMB OR TWO. HUGELY SAD MUSIC, AS WE TRACK KRYTEN’S DEAD HEAD TO THE BOTTOM.

AT THIS POINT, THE MUSIC CHANGES TO AN UPBEAT ELECTRONIC ARCADE-GAME VERSION OF THE RED DWARF THEME,
AND WE MIX TO …

The thing they mix to is of course the ultimately deleted scene of our boys as computer sprites. This section of the script contains an hilarious footnote.

By hooking an Amiga up with a genlock we might get something amazing and cheap

I’m not sure what they used in the end, but the result was certainly one of those two adjectives. For the record, the script isn’t exactly the same as the version on the deleted scenes, with some extra lines that weren’t recorded, and without Kryten’s much better answer of “only deeply unpleasant ones” when asked if he has any theories.

LISTER SPRITE
Is it just me, or did everything suddenly become two dimensional?

CAT SPRITE
What’s happening?

RIMMER SPRITE
Kryten? Any theories?

KRYTEN SPRITE
My psi-scan does not appear to be functioning

OVER THEIR HEADS, THE GIANT LETTERS:
GAME OVER
APPEAR
THEY ALL LOOK UP.

CAT SPRITE
I have a very bad feeling about this.

RIMMER SPRITE
Oh my God …

LISTER SPRITE
This can’t be happening.

KRYTEN SPRITE
I’m afraid it is, sir.

Also, in the version that was recorded, Cat’s line comes before Rimmer’s, and the GAME OVER text appears after Lister’s line. Now that we’re out of the game/in the hallucination, the script reveals a handful of unrealised ideas for how things should look. It’s interesting to note that some of these details were omitted from Primordial Soup, possibly in order to make the book closer to what readers will seen on the telly.

INT. GAMING BOOTH. DAY

LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN AND THE CAT IN THE SAME POSITION, BUT CONNECTED TO SOME COMPUTER BANKS BY VR-ISH HELMETS, SUITS, ETC. THEY HAVE FEED TUBES ATTATCHED THROUGH MOUTHPIECES. THEY HAVE A METAL ENDOSKELETON, PRESUMABLY TO INTERACT WITH THE GAME

One detail that is in the script book, but bears repeating anyway, is that Jake Bullet is apparently a “Cyberzoid”. The “high tech electronic add-ons to his mask” that are mentioned here didn’t happen, although it does specify that he has a metal skull plate. The dialogue in this scene has only very minor variations to what ended up on screen. Originally Rimmer replied to Andy’s question of how they got killed by saying “killed?” before Kryten mentions some kind of squid. And Kryten is scripted to say “didn’t possess a laser cannon capability” rather than “have”, while Rimmer was going to say “how on Earth” instead of just “how” before calling Andy a Brummie git. That’s the level of detail we’re at. Two small trims to Andy’s dialogue too; he was going to say “Coh! How long did you play this game?” before the insufferable pratt line, and “You really don’t know about Rimmer?” before explaining he was a special agent.

The only other change in this scene is that Andy originally said “Rimmer, in you go son” instead of Kryten, so before we move on, let’s just enjoy what has since gone down in history as a legendary stage direction.

FOUR FAIRLY GOOD-LOOKING, WELL-BUILT GUYS COME IN. THESE ARE THE NEW RED DWARF PLAYERS
(ARE YOU WORRIED, YET GUYS?)

The version in Primordial Soup puts the comma in a more conventional place. Into the Recuperation Lounge scene, and there are a handful of tiny extensions to some lines. Lister originally appended “I’m not me, am I?” with “I’m someone else”, while Rimmer added “I’m not dead” to the end of “I’m not a hologram”. The stage directions also say that he “BRAYS DELIGHTEDLY” after realising he’s not Rimmer. Cat’s next line simply says “who are we?” rather than including “the hell”, whereas there’s a rather harrowing extension to Lister’s theory.

LISTER
We’re the kind of sad acts who want to spend four years playing a computer game. Either we’re running away from God knows what, or we’ve got nothing worth living for in the first place. In Red Dwarf, we didn’t have much, but we had hope. Maybe that’s what we were doing in there. Maybe artificial hope’s the only hope we’ve got.

THEY ALL LOOK AT THE FLOOR FOR A WHILE

The nurse then comes in with Duane’s clothes and possessions; originally she was going to be followed by an orderly bringing in the remaining three cases, but this was streamlined by simply having the nurse say “here are your party’s clothes and possessions”. Amongst those clothes, the script says “Hush Puppies” instead of “plastic sandals”. Perhaps this was changed to avoid potentially defaming an actual brand. A much more significant change occurs shortly afterwards, where instead of Cat/Duane’s line about druids and places of worship, we get this:

RIMMER
I’m sorry, but I’m afraid it makes perfect sense … Duane. Imagine a guy with no élan, no style, a misfit. Doesn’t it make total sense that this hapless creature would give his buck teeth to play someone like the Cat in a computer game?

CAT
I’m going to kill him.  

LISTER PUTS OUT HIS ARM TO HOLD THE CAT BACK

CAT
Let me at him! I’m going to kick him silently to death with my Hush Puppies. I’m going to electrocute him with my Bri-Nylon shirt. I’m going to rub my head in his face until he passes out with Vitalis poisoning.

Some fairly funny lines, but Cat’s quiet, contemplative confusion throughout the scene is a better choice than the angry response. And we go straight into another alteration:

RIMMER
Kryten (FLICKS FINGERS) Open the next one.

KRYTEN
(WHEELS ROUND) Listen, whoever you are: don’t push your luck by ordering whoever I am around, because, whoever I am, I’m almost certainly not the kind of guy who takes crap from whoever you are, OK? Probably.

LISTER
All right, chill it, guys. This is a bad time for all of us.

KRYTEN
(JABBING HIS FINGER AT RIMMER) I just want it clear that I’m not your on-board mechanoid anymore. So don’t order me around until we’ve established if I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t mind being ordered around, or I’m the kind of guy who gets uptight being ordered around by the kind of guy you are. Clear?

The minor variations in word order on the bits that weren’t cut are probably down to Robert’s memory rather than deliberate rewrites. Absolutely none of this is reflected in Primordial Soup, by the way. It does however include an extra bit of Rimmer trying to justify William Doyle’s piss-stained clothing, which is also in the deleted scenes verbatim so we won’t bother transcribing it here. The rest of the scene plays out virtually as televised, other than Lister/Sebastian having a “hover” in the long term car park rather than a limo, and one extra line from Rimmer/William:

RIMMER
Well. Clearly, you were privy to all the breaks and privileges life denied poor old William Doyle, here. While you were scoring goals at the Eton Wall Game, I, no doubt, was scoring smack for my old mum.

As the episode progresses, one interesting change is that the “Vote Fascist” and “Government Informer” posters are only seen, and not read out loud by our heroes. A no-brainer really, to have the messaging made clearer for the audience and keeping the action pacey. The scene with the cop plays out almost unaltered, other than Kryten being the one to ask why the Voter Colonel had been away for four years rather than Cat, and the cop amusingly referring to the little girl as “voter urchin”.

As we start seeing glimpses of the real world, Kryten was originally going to be holding a “SMOKING FLARE GUN” rather than a harpoon. There’s no mention of speed bumps in the subsequent car chase, instead the crew “BUMP UP AND DOWN ON THEIR SEATS AND LEAN FROM SIDE TO SIDE” as they navigate “THE IMAGINARY CAR PARK’S SPIRAL EXIT”. The penultimate trimmed section from the deleted scenes comes here, with Holly interjecting to tell everyone they’re all crazy. The only other tiny difference is that Cat originally said “I need to rest” as they head to the alleyway, presumably in reference to his imaginary bullet wound to the arm.

And in a case of Grant Naylor pretty much nailing the very first draft, very little changes between now and the end of the episode. The instruction for Kryten to “walk forward three paces” is given here as “walk to your right five paces”, which was presumably only changed due to the layout of the sets. After Rimmer asks if he’s quite finished being strange, he originally said “let’s get on with it”. Then after the lithium carbonate takes effect, there’s an extra Cat line after Holly welcomes them back to reality: “This is Reality? Really Reality?” After Kryten wraps everything up, we have the final piece of trimmed dialogue from the deleted scenes (Cat speculating about there being other squids out there, which is interesting considering what we learn in Back to Earth), before an extra few lines at the top of the very last scene.

INT. STARBUG COCKPIT. GLOOMY

OVER THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE, KRYTEN & LISTER CLIMB INTO THE DRIVING SEATS, CAT AND RIMMER STAND BEHIND, HOLLY ON MONITOR. THEY FLICK SWITCHES AND MAKE CHECKS, PREPARING TO LAUNCH FROM THE OCEAN BED

KRYTEN
It occurs – if Earth ships have seeded other planets in this way, it is entirely possible we may encounter some bizarre and unusual life forms in the months to come.

RIMMER
(LOOKS AT LISTER) I think we have more than enough of those already, quite honestly, Kryten.

HOLLY
Flight co-ordinates programmed, switching to pilot co-operation until we hit the surface. You’ve got the stick, Dave.

In the end, only the first bit of Holly’s line is used, over a model shot. I wonder if Kryten’s speculation was intended as foreshadowing for future adventures, bearing in mind that Back To Reality was originally intended as the opening episode of Series V. Nothing they encounter for the rest of this run fits the brief, but it could have been an alternative origin story for the Psirens, Legion, the Kinitawowi or Epideme in the years to come.

The most notable thing about this draft is just how close it is to what ended up on screen. Some of the previous early drafts we’ve looked at have felt like completely different episodes, most notably the likes of Beyond A Joke and Nanarchy. But here the fundamental structure of the episode is entirely intact, and around 95% of the dialogue is present and correct, with only the most minor of alterations for the most part. Not that this makes its dissection any less fascinating; the best ever episode of the show was almost, but not quite, perfect from the get-go, but Rob and Doug weren’t completely satisfied with getting it so close at the first attempt. They couldn’t resist a sprinkling of tinkering to ensure that the magic they captured was utilised to its absolute fullest.