Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum hypothetically making the worst possible ep of RD

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  • #212061
    By Jove its holmes
    Participant

    As a light hearted look at the weaknesses and inadequacies of our favourite show, how would you create the worst possible episode?

    You can mix and match things from across the entire series.

    #212062
    Brayds2006
    Participant

    Pete Part II + Medi-Bot + Taiwan Tony

    /thread

    #212063
    Jawscvmcdia
    Participant

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    #212064
    Phil
    Participant

    A bottle episode with Cat Priest and Bird Man reminiscing about the times they fucked Taiwan Tony.

    #212065
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    An elderly Lister recounts to a young Jim and Bexley how he met their mother, but spends far too much time focusing on the minutiae of that time he turned a bird into a dinosaur.

    #212066
    Kris Carter
    Participant

    No laugh track. Film it on 1988 video, then add ‘film effect’ over the top. Then add another film effect for good measure. No model shots. only CG. But not 3D models. 2d cut outs, CSO’d in, with blur effects added. No Howard Goodall music, only library music. The credit music would be the extra verse shitty versions from those god-awful sci-fi theme CD’s SFX used to give away.

    A remastered Skutter would zoom across the screen at 3 minute intervals.Chris Barrie wouldn’t be in it. Norm would have a six minute monologue in act one. Kryten would screech a lot, and have a mask only glued on to Roberts face at his eyelids. The LED’s on his costume flash, but only on the right shoulder. Cat gets a six minute long dance scene with Starbug.

    Lister gets given a long, noble speech that inadvertently comes across (on reflection) as a bit rapey and objectifying women. Lister also has no scenes with the rest of the cast, and appears only by being green screened into the set. Every computer speaks in a racist, stereotypical accent. The sets are designed by Paul Montague, from his rejected notes. Rob Grant returns, but he and Doug only write every other word and do not collaborate in the same room. Every fourth sentence contradicts a previously established bit of Red Dwarf lore. There are bad, Remastered style sound effects played at an obscene volume.

    The cast of Red Dwarf USA guest star, as the show is a backdoor pilot.

    The show is filmed single camera, but on a massive Red camera rig that can only be crane mounted, and records at 50K, so every hair is visible even after the film effect processing. The camera hard drives do not have back ups, and are stored on the roof of Grant Naylor Productions, unprotected, for six weeks before any post is started. Babycow Productions are employed to provide craft services only. The show then airs once on Dave, and is cut off halfway through due to a transmission error – but that’s ok, because it leaked online the night before when the broadcast tapes were accidentally affixed to a Dave-sponsored advertising drone that crashes just outside Milton Keynes.

    Buzzfeed later run an article proclaiming that you won’t believe which episode is voted to be the best episode of Red Dwarf.

    #212067
    Jonsmad
    Participant

    The crew are trapped on starliner a new ship to surface vessel that resembles an Inflated bin bag, (it was shot in HD by people doug didnt have time to direct cus he was writing, rewriting, directing live actors, building the set, composing the music on a kazoo due to budget problems and knitting the costumes with hair from the company chimp)

    The episode opens with kochanski (now played by Miranda hart), getting annoyed at some plumbing.

    There is a studio audience for the episode, but there is no laugh track as they dont laugh at anything during the shows 18 and a half minute length (extended cut), its mostly silence with the occasional groan when lister struggles with his dot to dot book, at 17 minutes in you can hear the unfortunate suicide of a fan in the third row who hurls himself off some lemmings.)

    Lister comes in with half his package hanging out of his long johns and explains that even though the new ship looks like it has a cockpit with windows showing the clearly small relative internal scale there are in fact millions of miles of water slides in the ship for no fucking good reason, thats causing the plot of plumbing. napoleon a mutated version of one of rimmers military collectors dolls arrives by waterside starting a 10 minute montage of gags you only get if youve recently seen bill and teds
    Excellent Adventure. lister phones some gelf plumbers and gets put on hold.

    Kochanski falls over.

    An artificial knight escapes from virtual reality and threatens to kill the crew if they don’t turn on the and fix the water slides. So the Cat does and ends up drinking the contents of one of the slides believing it to be flowing with cat milk but it turns out to be 10 years of listers congealed jizz stored in it drained off from when he would borrow krytens groinal attatchments linked up to the virtual reality game “better than wank.

    In a surprise return to the series two episodes after leaving as rimmer, chris barrie returns He is now playing gary prince. A genetically engineered zero gee footballer. He gets zero laughs too. Then Norman Lovett walks in and asks for the football back.

    The cat now full of fluid and hit in the balls by a football urinates on the knight causing him to rust and reveal it was holister inside the knights suit of armour all along ( we only see him shot the neck up removing the helmet,) his first line is “dino shit and now this. Doh i’ll get you lister”, and he says he was trying to take over the ship and return them to red dwarfs prison for the next series set up. Subtitled red dwarf back to prison. Cat turns to camera and in a daune voice says ” prison. hash tag cliffhanger.

    In a post credit sequence. after the kazoo end theme.
    Kryten winges about kochanski falling over,

    #212068
    Phil
    Participant

    >Kryten winges about kochanski falling over

    “You’re lying!!!!…down.”

    #212069
    Ridley
    Participant

    napoleon a mutated version of one of rimmers military collectors dolls arrives by waterside starting a 10 minute montage of gags you only get if youve recently seen bill and teds
    Excellent Adventure.

    Pfft, “recently”.

    Dunno, for me, worst possible episode would have to be some Skydivers-level poor acting, dialogue etc. and Taiwan Tony calling me out personally by name to stop taking racism so seriously in a rant that goes on for the full length of the show that mocks me for ever being emotionally invested in Red Dwarf.

    #212070

    Thanks Jonsmad, that was already brilliant, and then came “Then Norman Lovett walks in and asks for the football back.”

    Doug, please make this episode.

    #212071
    Ben Paddon
    Participant

    The Red Dwarf VIII opening titles play. Then, episode seven of Hyperdrive plays.

    The end credits are replaced with an extended cut of The Angry Video Game Nerd Movie.

    #212075
    Renegade Rob
    Participant

    Angry Video Game Nerd Movie? That’s a deep cut.

    I think a worst episode of Red Dwarf would have to be one that was bad while still technically being a ‘Red Dwarf.’ Obviously you could show footage of flies eating poop for 30 minutes and slap “Red Dwarf” on it to make a bad episode, but that’s cheating. The harder task is to make a ‘worst episode’ while still being true to what makes an episode essentially still Red Dwarf.

    If we take the worst episodes, we’d end up with VIII for sure and also some BTE and VII, and dipping into X and the classic series we’d get some Emohawk and Waiting for God as well as the Taiwan Tony stuff. So from all of these, what would make a show the worst while still being Dwarf? Well:

    1) Too many lulls between jokes, with the jokes themselves not being good enough.
    2) Lack of a cohesive plot or theme.
    3) The characters not being true to themselves.
    4) The humor being too broad, off-color, or wacky.
    5) Wasted opportunities and lack of conceptual innovation.
    6) Self-indulgence that amuses the writer or plays to the audience instead of being good.
    7) Leaning towards stereotypes and being racist and/or sexist.
    8) External silliness, when non-Dwarfers are sillier than the universe should allow.

    So off of that, a hypothetical worst episode would perhaps look like:

    Lister finally locates Kochanski, but she wants nothing to do with him. So he locates the sexual magnetism virus and uses that to draw her to his bed and bangs her nonstop. The B plot is that Rimmer and Kryten wonder if Lister’s actions are rapey and sexist, so they ask a bunch of robots, holograms, and vending machines what they think; all of these are female and portrayed broadly as stereotypical girly-girls by Kerry Shale, and all the machines sign off on Lister’s actions as perfectly hey-ho pip and dandy. But while things already are confusing, the third act is incredibly extra-sloppy and rushed. An enemy shows up as part of a completely unnecessary and disconnected C plot, forcing the crew to escape in Blue Midget, including the requisite Blue Midget dance and the studio audience laughing and applauding at gunpoint. Then at some point the crew return and track down the enemy using a fire extinguisher. The scene will be shoddily shot and will involve inflatable golden hot dogs and cardboard hats. But then literally two seconds after the enemy is frozen by the fire extinguisher, the Cat (who has been temporarily transformed into Duane Dibbley) will accidentally freeze Kochanski, who shatters into pieces, dead. Duane will exclaim “What a Dibbley!” and the episode ends as Lister, who has once again lost the love of his life and object of his unethical sexual magnetism, looks down at Kochanski’s shattered remains and replies, “What an absolute slag. Have you got a pen?”

    THE END.

    Thanks everyone. I’m here all week.

    #212077
    By Jove its holmes
    Participant

    How about Elvis as played by that guy from Meltdown as a character in a Lister-centric episode with flashbacks to Lister’s tragic childhood and the episode ending with Elvis singing “In the Ghetto” as a tribute to Lister?

    #212080
    Pembers
    Member

    First of all we see Lister and Kryten looking into the camera. Kryten says something about ‘if we’re successful Sir he’ll retain all memory blah blah blah’ basically they reboot Holly and he’s like he was in series 8. Rimmer annoys him so he gives him a pink perm which he has for the rest of the episode.

    Then they get a distress call, it turns out to be the Cat people who were on the other arc. Their ship is badly damaged and they need help repairing it. They come aboard and the cat is in heaven, amongst his own people, but gradually their vanity and selfishness starts to grate on him, he realises he’s changed and isn’t ashamed of it.

    There is then another distress signal, its from a lone escape pod, a Starbug one. Its Kill Crazy. He explains he stowed away in the captains pod by disguising himself as a pizza, they ask where he is now, Kill Crazy said he went crazy so he killed him. He asks how Red Dwarf is in tact. Lister tells him Rimmer had returned as Ace, crashing Wildfire through the science lab, spilling luck virus all over it which then caused all the other liquids to form into the antidote. Wildfire then came to a stop on top of Nano-Rimmer. Rimmer insists it was deliberate.

    Lister then tells him the Cat people are on board. He looks terrified and says ‘we have to get out of here’ ‘Why?’ says Lister, When suddenly there is a gun shot and he drops dead. The Cat people walk in and say ‘Because we’re secretly evil and after a while we kill everyone we meet’ The Red Dwarf Cat comes rushing in and says ‘oh my god what are you doing’ or something and they tell him to be quiet or he’ll die too, some of the cats then grab him to stop him intervening. The Cat with the gun then points it at Lister and says something like ‘Any last requests hahaha’ in an evil voice. Then suddenly he and all the other cats fall to the floor clutching their heads and writhing in agony.

    Holly comes on the screen and tells them all to groove on into the corridor. The door closes and we hear a whoosing sound and all the cats screeching. Holly explains that he played a sound only cats could hear and it was unbearable for them. He then jettisoned them (and Kill Crazy’s corpse) into space.

    Rimmer then asks how come it didn’t effect Red Dwarf Cat, Holly says ‘Blimey that was lucky, I didn’t think of that’ Kryten then says ‘It appears after all these years Mr Cat has become quite……human’ to which Cat replies ‘You’re wrong bud, after all these years I’ve become………a boy from the Dwarf’ and they all do the hand shaky thing with Holly wiggling his ears.

    There you have it, a Cat episode, a resolution to Series 8 and Holly’s back, isn’t that wonderful?

    #212081
    Phil
    Participant

    A 30-minute mobisode.

    Content not important.

    #212123
    performingmonkey
    Participant

    The worst thing about Taiwan Tony is that it’s in the middle of an, otherwise, fucking great episode.

    Okay, as far as all-time most cringeworthy Dwarf imaginable…

    Let’s say Miss Kochanski being ‘on the blob’ (an actual Lister line from the episode), is threatening to cause some kind of spacetime-bending, cataclysmic event, due to the fact that this is the time she should have been pregnant to Lister with a child that was…basically the John Connor of the Dwarf universe (yeah I just watched Terminator Genysis, ‘bite me’).

    So…they miniaturise Starbug (as you do) with Lister, Cat and Kryten onboard (Rimmer stays behind for moral support), in order to enter Miss Kochanski via her vaginski, into her wombski and up the fallopian tube, lickety split, then fire the modified Time Wand towards her ovary, taking it back a while in order for Lister to have a go at fertilising the right egg at the right time…

    Of course, the Time Wand doesn’t work as planned, and what Kryten ends up doing is devolving Miss Kochanski’s ovary, thus the child that is eventually born is…no, not Neanderthal man, or proto-human, but Martian, therefore confirming that women are in fact originally from Mars (and men as well, but it’s funnier that women are).

    When Kryten tries to rectify this, the baby turns into a giant, psychotic sperm beast which hunts down the crew and…..yeah.

    Basically Kochanski having a period. Again. Cause that’s what women do. And it’s funny.

    #255429
    bloodteller
    Member

    >The Red Dwarf VIII opening titles play. Then, episode seven of Hyperdrive plays. The end credits are replaced with an extended cut of The Angry Video Game Nerd Movie.

    was the the Angry Video Game Nerd Movie really that bad?

    ….alright, yes it was. i just like to pretend it wasn’t

    #255430
    Warbodog
    Member

    Running low on ideas, Doug makes bobbyllew’s ‘Baby Kryten’ episode as the Red Dwarf Special. The Gold Kryten from the Ouroboros universe arrives (pause for applause) and gives Kryten the Baby Kryten. In the ’emotional Kryten’ voice, he explains that Archie crossed over to his universe and penetrated him while he was asleep. We see a flashback of the pregnant Kryten, achieved using a convincing inflated beach ball effect. Kryten accidentally kills the gold Kryten, even though he was about to return to his own universe anyway and this is completely unnecessary. Taking responsibility for the child, Kryten names him ‘Kryten 3XB,’ to follow on from his own ‘2XB’ designation. Rather than the costly animatronic proposed, Doug contacts Chris Veale to make a CGI Kryten baby. Annoyed at the ongoing fan criticism of his work in previous series, Chris sends Doug that 3D animated dancing baby video from the 1990s as a grumpy joke, but Doug, with his infamously poor judgement of computer graphics, thinks it’s great, and is so taken with the dancing aspect that he writes a dance-off between baby Kryten and Cat as the big set piece of the special, lasting 10 minutes. Not displaying any particular emotional reaction, Kryten zaps them with the Time Wand to watch it seven further times. Holly makes an off-colour quip about aborting autistic children. Cat says the dance was “gold, man,” which leads Kryten to the realisation that the baby is, in fact, the “gold man” – the Gold Kryten from the Ouroboros universe. They use the Time Drive to travel to the Ouroboros universe in the past and abandon the child, not dwelling on all the horrible stuff that will happen to it in the future, instead presenting it as a resonant, life-affirming ending. Lister and Rimmer aren’t in this.

    #255433

    Red Dwarf Special: STAR KNOT

    As a result of a nearby Star Knot, the SS Enconium travels forwards through time and appears new Red Dwarf. The crew come on board, and Ziggy stumbles across some sexual magnetism virus, and applies it to himself when he sees Lister. Lister then takes him back to his quarters for a good bumming. Rimmer, Cat and Kryten stand outside the room listening to all sorts of comical groans, wails and squelching noises, all the time murmuring comments like “this is wrong, man,” “absolutely disgusting,” and “two men having it off with each other, what is wrong with them?!”

    Later, Kryten applies a new serum he’s been working on to make Rimmer intelligent; however, it goes wrong, and Rimmer is reduced to a gibbering vegetable (“Reduced?!” ~ Cat), portrayed by Chris Barrie shoving his tongue into his front lip and making grunting noises (“What a spacker!” ~ Cat). Lister comes into the room in a dressing gown, notices Rimmer and quips “Sounds like me when Ziggs hits my prostate!” Cat vomits.

    Suddenly, a Cat ark arrives through a wormhole and broadcasts an announcement to the ship: “Cloister the Stupid, we have discovered you are a false God. You are to answer for your crimes, or your ship and all its crew will be destroyed.” Cat starts to broadcast an emotional monologue, about how his people made a huge mistake in the name of religion, including references to paedophile Cat Priests, but fundamentally Lister is a good guy, citing several examples of him being decent, honourable, and a good friend to Cat – as part of a seven minute sequence of clips of old episodes – but is then interrupted by Kryten saying “Smeg this!” and firing Red Dwarf’s newly installed photon cannon and destroying the Cat arc (“Nice shot, play-doh head!” ~ Cat.)

    Kryten realises they need to work their way back to the Star Knot to utilise its time-bending properties and restore Rimmer to his pre-serum self (“But why? Retards are funny!” ~ Cat.) The Star Knot seems to be out of energy, so Kryten comes up with the plan of firing the photon cannon into it to re-ignite it. The first time it happens, they are all aged dramatically, with Kryten appearing in a comedy ‘old person’ beige coat, trousers and hat, smoking a pipe. They fire the torpedo again, and are all reverted to babies, including a child in a Kryten costume wailing in a cot. Third time lucky, time starts reversing slowly, and we see Ziggy ejaculate into Lister’s bum, only for the semen to go back into his body – cut to him looking shocked with all his hair standing on end. The crew of the Enconium walk backwards onto their ship and it reverses out of the landing bay and into the Star Knot before disappearing. The Star Knot ruptures and glitches in a loop, leading to the final scene in the science room:

    Cat: So what is it?
    Kryten: I’ve never seen one before, no one has, but I believe it’s a Star Knot.
    Rimmer: A Star Knot?
    Kryten: A twist in the fabric of space, where time becomes a loop.
    Cat: So what is it?
    Kryten: I’ve never seen one before, not one has, but I believe it’s a Star Knot.
    Rimmer: A Star Knot?

    IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

    #258483
    Offline
    Member

    Danny John-Jules does a new run of commentaries for Series I to VI, by himself, while hungover.

    The fucking terror of that idea.

    #258495
    Ridley
    Participant

    Dunno, for me, worst possible episode would have to be some Skydivers-level poor acting, dialogue etc. and Taiwan Tony calling me out personally by name to stop taking racism so seriously in a rant that goes on for the full length of the show that mocks me for ever being emotionally invested in Red Dwarf.

    Thanks, Timewave.

    #258767
    tombow
    Member

    – the jokes would all be really lame and obvious, like, Lister saying “there’s some kind of hideous grotesque creature out there” and Rimmer saying “that’s just your laundry basket” and kryten cleaning with his willy

    -there would be some kind of LGBT-phobic element like they pick up a crazy stimulant and he’s wearing women’s clothing and tries to kiss them and that’s the scary part

    – it would ignore canon, like they would meet other human beings and no one would mention it, or Rimmer would say he was raised in a hippy commune or something that contradicts what we know, or cat would talk about an ex wife

    – the final act would be a fight with a CGI monster and doesn’t have any jokes or funny parts

    – end credits now sung by Craig Charles with a band of BBC6 experimental musicians on minimalist keyboards

    – model shots were all lost so Doug does them himself with a small Red Dwarf toy and phone camera

    #258768
    Ben Saunders
    Member

    >they pick up a crazy stimulant and he’s wearing women’s clothing and tries to kiss them and that’s the scary part
    That sounds genuinely scary, imagine that happened to you. Sexual assault from somebody much more physically able than you would be more than a little worrying

    #258770
    tombow
    Member

    I suppose in my hypothetical “worst episode” there is an undercurrent of the aggressive simulant representing real gay people. Like the scary gay people in the Police Academy films. I mean I’m imagining the worst of what Dwarf could have been, maybe I didn’t think it through enough,

    #258773
    Dax101
    Participant

    >– the jokes would all be really lame and obvious, like, Lister saying “there’s some kind of hideous grotesque creature out there” and Rimmer saying “that’s just your laundry basket” and kryten cleaning with his willy

    Not sure any of that would be “obvious” tbh ;p

    Sounds fairly unexpected to me.

    Id say an obvious joke example would be from skipper.

    Lister: Is it serious?
    Cat: Unless the chick with the really calm voice starts talking it isn’t serious.
    *chick with the really calm voice starts talking*

    Who in the audience didn’t see that coming?

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