I Would Just Like to Denounce…

[Dave]

…racism, stupidity, Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, The Catherine Tate Show, catchphrases, lol, bananas that are yellow but still aren’t ripe, people who repeat your joke seconds later but slightly louder, tequila, the person who says “I know what you need: tequila”, nuns, two fifths of the Eggheads, only discovering my copy of Catch 22 with half the pages in a random order just as I started really enjoying it, the Daily Mail, singers and rappers becoming actors, Eurovision, caravans, Bakewell tarts, those Lego sets that look like you can only make one thing with them, people who give me advice when they have less life experience than I do, losing my hair, the guy from Flog It, orange fake tan, Billy Connolly’s purple beard, England supporters in any team sport, sudoku, Todd Carty, Loose Women, brain training, marzipan, only discovering my copy of Catch 22 was also missing pages as I worked my way back and forth through it, insomnia, people who automatically make a joke about an Egyptian river when they hear the word Denial, chitz, chav tracksuits, most remakes, double barrelled names, tattooed breasts, Big Brother, parma violets, dogs in costumes, people wearing baseball caps with the pricetag still attached, the way that Green Wing manages to squeeze a half hours worth of jokes into an hour, Coldplay, The X Factor, Ludo, my landlady’s musical doorbell, scratched DVDs, honey, nostalgia for nostalgia’s sake, Zavvi, managing to be a pessimist and be disappointed at the same time, the clear jelly stuff in pork pies

Topic

[Ian Symes]

two fifths of the Eggheads

CJ deserves to die in a big fire. But pork pie jelly is great, you big twat!

[Seb Patrick]

The public appearance of bitter ex-soap stars who thought they could go on and do other things besides. The centre-court’s amusement at the ballboy’s mishap. That bobbing up and down thing that they do at the proms. Opinionated weather forecasters telling me it’s going to be “a miserable day”. Miserable to who? I quite like a bit of drizzle so STICK TO THE FACTS. Channel 4 presents “Blowjob”, introduced by Adrian and Sophie Horn, who is of course one bloke with a pierced dick, who’s just had the nod from Planet 24. Hear him say “surreal”, “bizarre”, “sad git”, “yes indeedy”, “completely and utterly”, “footie”, “anorak” and “respect”, before whipping the audience up into doing the Time Warp. Watch him take us live to the Queen’s Arse and Firkin, where Joseph Bloggs and his Amazing Technicolour Shellsuit are about to abort their Steely Dan routine and instead embark upon fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah. Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah. Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah. Adrian-stroke-Sophie wants us the viewers to ring in and say how we think the punters will react.

These are a few of my favourite things…

I’m incredibly bored with the word “millennium”. And with the Jehovah’s Witness. Millions now earmarked will later be wasted, Her Majesty Marvellous, Mother the Musical, the fireworks lighting up the Houses of Parliament, death in Trafalgar Square, death in the armchairs of cliched old spinsters who’ve never been loved. Every day is Australia Day. Sons & Daughters and Home and Away. And then the news comes on, and the sound goes down, ‘cos she can’t be bothered with all them politicians. They’re all just a bunch of flaming drongoes. She died with her telly on, eighty-seven and confused. There’s not enough hospital beds ‘cos all the money’s been used on the end of the century party preparations, and they reckon the last thing that she saw in her life was Sting! Singing on the roof of the Barbican, Sting! Singing on the roof of the Barbican!

[Anonymous]

I don’t like coriander.

[si]

I quite like Paul Martin (the guy from Flog It).

[Joey TORDFC]

I like Parma Violets :(

[Anonymous]

I like turtles!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=CMNry4PE93Y

[Paul Muller]

I like tequila and pork pie jelly.

and colouring in.

[Ben Paddon]

My, my, my, it’s a beautiful world,
I like swimming in the sea.
I like to go out beyond the white breakers,
Where a man can still be free, or a woman if you are one.
I like swimming in the sea.

My, my, my, it’s a beautiful world,
I like drinking Irish tea.
With a little bit of Lapsang Souchong.
I like making my own tea.

My, my, my, it’s a beautiful world,
I like driving in my car.
I roll the top down, sometimes I travel quite far.
Drive to the ocean, stare up at the stars.
I like driving in my car.

All around is anger,
Automatic guns.
There’s death in large numbers,
No respect for women or our little ones.
I tried talking to Jesus
But he just put me on hold.
Said he’d been swamped by calls this week
And he could not shake his cold.

And still this emptiness persists,
Perhaps this is as good as it gets.
When you?ve given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes,
Now I leave the party early, at least with no regrets,
I watch the sun as it comes up, I watch it as it sets,
Yeah this is as good as it gets.

Well my, my, my, it’s a beautiful world,
I like sleeping with Marie.
She is one sexy girl full of mystery.
She says she doesn’t love me but she likes my company.
For now that’s good enough for me.

Well my, my, my, it’s a beautiful world,
I like swimming in the sea.
I like to go out beyond the white breakers,
Where a man can still be free, or a woman if you are one.
I like swimming in the sea.

[peas_and_corn]

lol.

>tattooed breasts

IT GIVES ME AN EXCUSE TO STARE AT THEM

[John Hoare]

catchphrases

Feck off.

[Anonymous]

I like egg in soup served with a pork pie sausage roll.

[Phil]

I wish I was handsome like Dagless.

[Anonymous]

I’m a one-track lover.

[pfm]

People that regularly quote from films and television programmes that they’ve never actually sat down and watched. People that slate books/films/TV that they know nothing about. People who’s first reaction to you mentioning Doctor Who news, such as the recent casting of Davros, is ‘oh god, here we go…’. People who think The League Of Gentlemen is a sketch show. People who watch The Wright Stuff and actually think Matthew Wright is right when in fact he’s just a bitter, miserable bastard. People who confuse Neil Young with Neil Diamond. People who take the tabloids and BBC news as gospel. People who insist on watching Ready Steady Cook, Saturday Cooks, Masterchef, Jamie At Home, Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, Hell’s Kitchen, every fucking cooking show on TV and yet they’ve never so much as fried an egg. People who can’t differentiate between a comedy character and the actor playing that character. People who only know Jarvis Cocker through him ‘disrupting’ Michael Jackson’s performance at the Brits. People who fart and then laugh as though it’s a big joke when, in fact, everyone around them is about to breathe in the former gaseous contents of their intestines. People.

[Phil]

>People who think The League Of Gentlemen is a sketch show.

In fairness, it DID start off as one (pre-TV, obviously), and I’m sure I’ve heard the League themselves refer to it as a sketch show as well. I understand what you’re saying, but I think it’d be more accurate to describe it as a non-traditional sketch show than “not a sketch show.”

>People who confuse Neil Young with Neil Diamond.

If Neil Young sang Holly Holy, I’d assassinate everybody in the arena. Myself included.

[Dave]

>catchphrases

To clarify: I’ve always defended catchphrases when done well, The League of Gents, The Fast Show never seemed to me to be relying solely on the stock catchphrase for the laugh, but the result of the commodification of these catchphrases led to shows like Little Britain, Catherine Tate & Bo Selecta in which scenes are reduced to dead air points between the catchphrases.

I love Series VI’s Space Corps Directives & Deader Thans, which is a formula but one which allows for a bit of originality, not merely an attempt to make repetition funny.

There is a thread on here somewhere describing The Fast Show as mediocre, but created impressive characters and then over three series they drove them all mad, whereas Little Britain simply treads water.

Catchphrases have been spoiled, and I think they need some time off.

I still don’t pork pie jelly though.

[Ridley]

But the League of Gentlemen is a sketch show for the first two series…

[Dave]

>But the League of Gentlemen is a sketch show for the first two series?

Sort of, but Royston Vasey is a more unifying concept than just a framing device. I’d still think of it as a sitcom.

[Ridley]

It shares elements but I don’t think the story arc (or setting), for the first series at least, are necessarily needed for most of its humour.

[Danny Stephenson]

> CJ deserves to die in a big fire. But pork pie jelly is great, you big twat!

Sorry Ian, when I read that I thought the ‘pork pie jelly’ was a nickname you had given to one of the other eggheads (you all know which one I’m talking about). And you’re right, CJ is a cunt.

[Ian Symes]

Judith is the second worst Egghead, after CJ. She’s so bloody smug and posh, and she uses it to disguise the fact that she’s a bit rubbish.

[Jonathan Capps]

> Judith is the second worst Egghead, after CJ. She?s so bloody smug and posh, and she uses it to disguise the fact that she?s a bit rubbish.

I’d say Chris is worse than Judith. His smugness is through the fucking roof.

[pfm]

I reckon you lot should form a team and go on Eggheads. Dressed as Dwarf characters. I’ll give you three guesses at what the team name should be…

[Danny Stephenson]

“We hate CJ”?

[Jonathan Capps]

I’ve always wanted to go on Eggheads just so I could refuse to stakll before answering. Just being able to say “A” or “Pass” with a completely deadpan face would please me hugely.

[pfm]

Smeggheads, obviously.

[Danny Stephenson]

Yes, I did get that…

[pfm]

I don’t believe you.

[Author]

Replies